Burial Is Not The End....there Is The Matter Of Their House

[FUNNYFACE]

I have been very proud of myself the way I think that I have been handling this....being the only child and all....lost my Father in March and Mother in Sept.......

Now comes the resurection of all the feelings.....the house that I grew up in has to be emptied and sold......just walking in the front door brings back so many memories.....all the great stuff ....but memories just the same.....walking into the kitchen I can smell breakfest cooking and my Mom standing there by the stove...and in walks my Dad in his sleeve less T-shirt......I walk into my bedroom and I am definitely a child all over again......

Then comes the sorting of all their tresures.....it feels like I am totally invading their privacy going through dresser drawers, closets ...and cherished possessions. what to keep....what to donate....what to through away. ....there is a big dumpster in the driveway for that.......movies, pictures, clothes, chidhood treasures, dishes....you know ..all the stuff.

I hadn't been in my Father's gargage for over 5 years....since he left for the Alzheimer unit....it was his little heaven ...and when I walked in it was the hardest thing I ever had to do.......

Took 2 days....( I had gone through some things a year before) to wipe out their 50 years together in that house.

Next day was the Title company.......I was going to sign away the house I was raised in......that was also so very painful.......I have spent the last 2 days totally in bed......just sleeping.....maybe if I sleep I won't have to think about what I have done.......this is almost worse than losing them.

I know that it is a good thing to get this over with and move on with my life but I didn't realize it would be so very very painful.......

I so appreciate being able to just ramble on and on.....

Thanks....

Funnyface

[Maylissa]

FUNNYFACE,

Although I never 'got' to do what you just did, I can well imagine how hard that must be for you. I know, even out of the very few little personal things I managed to be allowed to take of my Mom's ( like some Avon products, old make-up, etc. ), every time I finished one of them, it felt almost like a betrayal throwing out the container...another tiny piece of her life, gone again. So to have to do this with an entire household.....gad.

Of course, I'm on the opposite side of the spectrum, still having the occasional dream about being able to do this task, being the only one doing it, instead of it all being sold out from under my nose, then my brother taking what was left and refusing to share even the meagerest of pieces, of memories. How can one experience memories when you're in a complete rush to get (just) clothes sorted and packed-up for shipment, having to be ever vigilant about one's father, who might explode at any second and kick you out of the house without getting anything at all then?

It seems that no matter which way it goes, it's the stuff of nightmares. I'm so ambiguous about this ~ it would be so terribly lonely to do this kind of thing all by oneself, without at least one caring person there by one's side...and yet for me, it would have been preferable to not being able to even stop and hold something precious, stop and look at ( and save ) some precious photographs of years gone by, without any outside pressure or hostile family member around to stop the tears and those memories. For my situation, it was worse for me having 2 family members there, but feeling totally alone regardless...alone in my sorrow, alone in my frustration and anger. Although my now-dead brother was there, too, he was his typical mostly-detached/removed self...with both of us under our father's critically-watchful eye, so what little we could have shared was denied us anyway. Oh, to turn back the hands of time and be able to change how it all happened....

My parents had been in our family home for about 45 years, so I know, too, how much history is wrapped up there....almost my entire lifetime, at the time. It can feel so very much like it's your life that's ended as well. That's part of what makes losing a parent(s) so much harder in some ways than other losses. It's not just about them - it's our childhood and adolescence and at least part of our adulthood, too....all entwined in physical stuff. I thought I'd emotionally given up alot of those sentimentalities years ago, when I'd had to estrange myself from everyone but my Mom ( for my sanity ), but I was so wrong. And since my Mom was the only one who really loved me, being denied physical possession of the 'girlie'-type household items, the things my brothers and father wouldn't have cared less about anyway, was like being denied my daughterhood, making her absence even more stinging.

I don't know if I'll ever really get over this part of what is now also a part of my depressing history ( a part I'd rather forget ), either. It just added another dimension of pain to carry, and all the logic in the world, all the intellectual mind-play in the world, isn't going to fix this insult. To me, it's just one of the many, huge ways my Mother's life, and death, was unchangeably demeaned, forever.

I guess this wasn't of much help to you, but I just keep having to talk about it....sorry.

[FUNNYFACE]

Thanks Maylissa :

It is great being able to communicate with people going through basically the same thing....I am so sorry about your other family members....that is one thing that I didn't have to deal with......I could take charge so to speak and not hurt anyones feelings......

I really need to snap out of this.....my house is so full of dust that I bet tomatoes would grow.....we are planning a family trip: me, my husband, son, his wife and her father but I can't get into it.....I am leaving everything up to them.....it is a once in a life time trip but I really don't care..

Still have one more time actually in the house.....Hospice couldn't pick up everything and needs to come back.....then the dreaded day to sign the final papers for the sale of the house.....EVERYTHING my parents worked for a sacrificed for gone.......I plan to walk through when everything is gone and take pix....at least that is my plan now......

I hope you are feeling better....and don't worry about rambling on.....that is what this is for !!!!!!!!!!

Funnyface

[Maylissa]

FUNNYFACE,

Had to laugh, imagining those tomatoes growing! LOL! ( I always appreciate some good humour to lighten the load! ) But I know what you mean...a number of years ago I had to slow down some in my lifestyle, for both physical and mental reasons, but NOW....it's gotten ridiculous! With grief, comes so much energy depletion, we're so involved in emotional release ( or suppression! ) that we expend great amounts of energy just in trying to heal. I've now got housework that's been due for YEARS, not just weeks or months....and I'm a neatnic, so this doesn't sit well at all!

For your trip, I know someone who was still grieving a loss, and the one-year anniversary fell just 2 days into her trip, so she was both worried and very ambiguous about going. However, just getting away from her rut did help her, and even on the anniversary date, she found she was so busy with things that it went much better than she'd anticipated. So you could maybe try not to put any expectations on yourself, one way or the other, and see how it just goes naturally. Maybe you'll get enough of a break from griefwork that it will all be worth it afterall. It's also a good thing for you that your family is willing to do the work of planning everything - I doubt I'd get that much cooperation or instigation out of my husband! lol!

And I'll be waiting to hear how everything goes for you after signing those papers, etc.

[FUNNYFACE]

Maylissa: Well.....I went for a job interview today...I am a nurse so jobs are plentiful.....only 2-3 days a week.....in a doctor's office....I think it will help me get going with my life.....right now I have no reason to get up in the morning....no motivation to do anything and now I will be forced to do it 2- 3 days a week. I miss being around patients and helping people feel better( how's that for irony ?).....I don't start until 2/13 so I still have time to back out. I helped get a law passed here in Az regarding intermediaries for finding adopted adults and birth parents.....this is all I thought about for 25 yrs....I wanted to be a certified confidential intermediary......never could due to working.......once I quit I took the class...passed the 4 hr test and couldn't wait to get me first case.....that was in Jan 04......now.....I could care less......have to open cases and just can't seem to get into it anymore.......come to think of it.....I can't seem to get interested in anything anymore......Next week I sign the house over and I sure don't know how I will feel.....of course I know how I will feel.....REALLY EMPTY

Thanks for answering me....it sure helps to sit down + write and express my feelings to someone that knows what I am going through....my husband says he's worried about me and wants me to go see a Hospice Counselor......that would be defeating for me.......

Funnyface

[Maylissa]

FUNNYFACE,

Well, whether you really feel like going or not, I say "Good for you!" for putting a bit of activity back in your life. It's probably best that it's only part-time for now. And if you're going to, it might as well be something that also makes you some money, too, if it's also something you like to do! You might find it quite beneficial, as I know when I had to make a few appts./wk. for awhile there, it gave me added energy...and a chance to get out of the house for awhile. As the 'experts' have said, you need to push yourself into doing things while mourning any loss, or you just stagnate and everything can get worse. What you do is up to you, but do something to dig yourself out of that hole.

I know what you mean by the new-found disinterest in normally-interesting things, though. I've felt quite panicked upon each new discovery in relation to this, mainly because all of the things I've lost interest in ( for the most part ) are things that gave me a sense of purpose and were things by which I defined myself before. Perhaps this is why so many say they don't know who they are anymore, after a loss. That's not what I say, but it's frightening nonetheless, as I wonder what I'm supposed to do with the rest of my days if I don't much enjoy the things that were among my greatest thrills. I mean....what's left then?!?! I always had a hard enough time figuring out 'what I wanted to be when I grew up' ( like, to date! ), w/o this added roadblock! I'm just hoping that, with more grief work and more focus on added activity, that might just return of its own accord.

I'd love to tell you something positive for the final signing and walk-through at the house, but I just keep imagining having to do that...and my heart just sinks. I know it's simply going to be tough - bring lots of Kleenex and remember you can always post when you're done. What day do you do this on?

Call me thick, but I don't understand why you'd find it "defeating" to see a counselor? Maybe it's just me, but I've always thought of getting counselling as no different whatsoever from going to any kind of doctor or other practitioner for a physical problem you want or need help with. As long as they're good ( same for any specialty ) and you're comfortable with their personality, they're there to help YOU. If you didn't have to actually pay for it, they'd be considered good friends, helping you out in a time of need. I liked the psychologist I was seeing, even though I'm still having some problems and need to either go back or try someone or something else besides. If it were free, I'd be there every second day!

Edited January 25, 2006 by Maylissa

[MartyT]

My dear Funnyface,

I understand from reading all of your earlier posts that you find it easier to share your feelings and experiences here in this forum with us, and I’m so pleased and gratified to know that – but as a hospice bereavement counselor myself, I feel a need to address your statement that “my husband says he’s worried about me and wants me to go see a Hospice Counselor...... that would be defeating for me......”

Like you, I am a nurse, and I know how “we” are about taking such wonderful care of everyone else, but when it comes to caring for ourselves, we often feel paralyzed and incapable of obtaining for ourselves the care we would so freely give or recommend to others. I want to share with you (and others who may be reading this) the following excerpt from my book, Finding Your Way through Grief:

If you are more comfortable in the care-taking role or feel uneasy with sympathy – or if you see the need for counseling as a sign of weakness or of mental illness – you may be reluctant to seek the help of a professional counselor. Yet it takes strength and courage to let yourself be cared for, and you need not bear your sorrow all alone. Even if you’re grieving in a normal, healthy way, it is wise to use all the resources available to help you recover your balance and put your life back together again. Sometimes friends and family may worry too much about you, get too involved in your personal affairs, or not be available to you at all. When it seems that support from family and friends is either too much or not enough, a few sessions with a bereavement counselor may give you the understanding and comfort you need.

Unlike friendship, a professional counseling relationship offers you the opportunity to relate to a caring, supportive individual who understands the grief process, doesn’t need you to depend upon, and will allow you to grieve without interference. Within the safety and confidentiality of a therapeutic relationship, you can share your intimate thoughts, make sense of what you’re feeling and clarify your reactions. An effective bereavement counselor is knowledgeable about the grieving process, helps you feel understood, offers a witness to your experience, encourages you to move forward, fosters faith that you will survive, and offers hope that you will get through your grieving. (If after two or three sessions you don’t sense your counselor has a good understanding of your grief process or doesn’t seem like the person who can help you, you should feel free to try another counselor.)

Seeing a bereavement counselor is appropriate if

•you feel uncomfortable with yourself or find yourself unable to function normally.

•you have reactions from which you can get no relief, or over which you feel no control.

•you wonder if your responses are normal, or if they’ve gone on too long.

•you have thoughts or feelings you feel guilty about or you’re reluctant to share with anyone else.

Seek professional help immediately if

•you feel no grief reaction at all after a major loss

•you have a history of mental illness, drug or alcohol abuse

•you have few sources of support

•you see life as hopeless and are feeling suicidal.

Individual bereavement counseling is available at no cost to individuals and families whose loved ones were patients of Hospice of the Valley. Please contact the Bereavement Office for further information.

[Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year, © 2000 by Martha M. Tousley, pp. 50-51]

If you had a broken arm or leg, Funnyface, you wouldn’t think twice about seeking medical attention, yet here you are with a broken heart and you’re expecting to be able to “fix” it all by yourself. Effective grief work is not done alone. Private, solitary activities such as reading and writing (and participating in an online forum such as this one) are wonderful, but it’s also helpful to work with others through talking, participating in bereavement counseling or finding support in a group. Reaching out to others is often very difficult when you’re struggling with grief, and I think it’s particularly difficult for nurses, whose very nature is to put others’ needs before our own. But experience has taught us that in grief, the more support and understanding we have around us, the better we will cope.

Rather than seeing it as a sign of defeat, you might consider bereavement counseling as a precious gift you can give to yourself, because you’ve earned it, you’re certainly worth it, and you deserve it.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

P.S. You might also find the article on Sorting helpful; click on this link:

http://griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?show...1314entry1314

[Guest Guest_Jen_*]

I can also feel what you are going through. My mother passed away earlier last month, my father passed away 5 years ago. My father always wanted a big house, but could never afford one. After his death, we took the insurance money and bought a house. Then my mother passed away, and now I have no idea what to do with the house. We have 5 years of memories in there. I haven't even stayed there since her death. It's just too painful. I don't know if I want to sell it or keep it? I just don't know. I go back to the house every now and then to get few things, and it feels like home. But then I go into the kitchen and see all her cookware and I just breakdown. I can't believe she's gone. Both my parents are gone. It hurts so much to say that. I just need some advice on what to do? Sell it or keep it? I just don't know. You talked about how painful it was for you. See, we lived in an apartment for 15 years and after my father died, we had to leave. Even 5 years later, I can't even drive by those apartments without having nightmares at night. But with our house, I feel so sad when I think of selling it. It feels like home. I just can't sleep in it. I don't know ! I'm so confused.

[Maylissa]

Dear Jen,

Firstly, let me send you my sympathies on the loss of both of your parents. It must be so very hard to bear losing both of them in such a short time.

While no one can tell you what you ought to do about the house, it seems to me that making any definitive decision about this so early into your grief is probably not the wisest thing, unless you have some pressing need ( like financial ) to settle this question quickly. Our ability to think clearly, and without having worked through at least some of our grief already, is often quite impaired for awhile. So the only thing I would feel comfortable suggesting is to wait and see, for as long as you can, before deciding whether to sell or keep it. I'm assuming, since you didn't mention anyone else, that you're the only child and that there's no one else to consider in this? If that's the case, then take your time, as much as you need. You might find that you change your mind several times as you ride the aptly-described roller-coaster of emotions during mourning. If you are comfortable sharing more of your feelings about this, and other things, you might gain more insight into what you really want to do, and some of us may have more suggestions to share as well. Take it easy on yourself...it's all so new to you yet.

[Guest Guest_Jen_*]

Dear Maylissa,

Thanks for responding to my reply. It is very difficult losing both my parents. I have a younger sister, and we both lived with my mother. We are really close. She was closer to my father and I was closer to my mother. But we both became closer to my mother after my father died. (I still have a hard time admitting this happened). We are both considering whether or not to sell the house. She doesn't want to at all. And at some point in times, I don't want to either. I'm staying with my aunt right now, and sometimes I get so anxious, I just want to go home to my house. But then I have sickening thoughts of grief nightmares knowing my mother won't be there. I think you are correct about taking time to make this decision. I really don't know. I'm still shocked. It seems like my answer changes everyday, every minute, every hour. After first, I made myself stay at the house, because I had a fear of never returning, or returning and feeling very weird. But after the funeral and after all my friends and relatives left, the house felt very empty. So I went to stay with my aunt and my sister went to stay with her boyfriend. That's what makes me so sad. My sister has a boyfriend (fiance) and I had nobody but my mother. After my father died I stopped dating and stayed with my mother. And I was perfectly happy. Now that she's gone, I feel I have no one. (maybe that sounds strange I don't know) but she was my life, best friend. Another thing my sister and I were thinking was that we could move out into an apartment for a while. I just don't know. It's a hard decision and the insurance money is being held, because they don't know the cause of death yet. So we have no direction to move yet. I just feel so sad. Thanks for responding.

[tootie]

Oh man do I know what you are all going through. 1st off let me tell you how sorry I am for all of your losses & pain. I lost my mom almost 3 years ago now, & my dad a year & a half ago. The family shattered when mom passed away, I (the baby of 9) am so all alone. I have one sister & one brother that talk to me, & one brother that thinks he is the king of everything & will not even let any of the rest of us into the house. Noone knows what is happening with the farm, & or anything there. Both my parents were creamated, & it was only a couple months ago that they were burried. That in it's self was so wonderful to me. I now have a place to go see mom & feel free to talk to her. My son who is now 12, has taken this all so hard, & he is having bad bad troubles in school now & I feel so bad. I have had him talk to a councelor, but to no avail. When things get so bad here that I feel I can not go on, I come to this site & talk to all of you. It is so nice to have you all here. ty for that. I too feel as if my life has no meaning any more, & I do not even get dresses unless I have to. My home is a mess & my life is even a bigger mess. How do I muster up the strength to get a new start, & where do I begin?????????????

ty all again

Tootie

[FUNNYFACE]

Tootie: I know how it feels to feel alone....I am an only child and have only 1 son so he will be in the same boat as I....My father died first. It will be 2 yrs on the 19th. He was Irish and St Patrick's day was the biggest holiday to him.He would dress all in green and have a wonderful time. He had Alzheimer's for 15 yrs and the last 5 in a A. unit. My mother was in the same facility but in a assisted living apartment. She died in Sept. In some ways I was lucky because when I made a decision there was no one to second guess me but in the same token they was no one to go to for help or to grieve with. My husband has known my parents since he was 10 + considered them like his own but it isn't the same. I didn't really grieve my father until my mother passed and now I have a double header. My house too was and is a mess......I dont want to do anything at all....My husband suggested going back to work part time ...but that too has not helped...only added a extra layer of problems to the grief. I will attended a counseling session this evening for the first time....I felt that I could handle this totally on my own but I know I can't....partly due to the wonderful counselor that monitors our posts...Someone on the posts suggested a book "Healing after Loss" daily meditations for Working Through Grief". I got it though Amazon and it has really helped me....it has a daily little reading that helps me get through the day...it is not a book that you sit down and read all the way through..you read a little daily....really has helped....Most of all don't feel that you are alone....or going crazy.....we all grieve in different ways and at different speeds. You will get through this just as I will and those before us did. Like a wise son of mine said to me.....people from the beginning down have had to go through this and survived and we will too....

Funnyface

[tootie]

Funnyface,

Thank you for your kind words. They mean much more to me than you will evr know. The worst part for me now, besides missing mom, is that I am the baby of 9 & yet I am still so all alone here. Noone talks, noone gets together at all, you would not even know now a days that I even have 5 brothers & 3 sisters. It is sad. Very sad. I am lucky to have a wonderful husband & 2 very special children, they keep me alive & wanting to go on. In the beginning all of this was so much for me I just wished every day that I could die too, so I could go be with my mom. I now know & understand that will not help anything & I need to be here for my children, & hubby too. They are my reasons to live & go on with life. I still cry evry day because I miss mom so much, but I know she is still here in mt heart & soul & always will be.

Best wishes to you & I hope that you find ways to get through all of this with as little suffering & pain as possible.

Thank you again,

Tootie

[monkey_woman2]

Funnyface,

I am terribly sorry for your loss.

I cannot totally relate just yet though I will be involved in the same thing very soon I am sure.

My grandmother passed yesterday, and my mother almost 2 years ago. Both my mother and grandmother raised me in my family home. My grandmother has a second mortgage on the house and no one in the immediate family can afford to take the note on. I certainly wish that I could. The bank is going to get the house back. The thought of packing away everything is going to be closing a chapter of my life. Like you, my entire foundation is now gone.

Please take care and ease...

Edited March 22, 2006 by monkey_woman2