mittam99

Here you go Steve. And you're right, failure to communicate seems to be one of the biggest issues there is.

So sad when someone so young is taken away by a senseless and brutal act of violence. R.I.P. Marissa. Kay, you truly are a good person and a beloved friend to many here.

Peter, I know how you feel. It sometimes doesn't feel like you want to be here, alone. Life feels meaningless. You're still in shock. You're numb. One thing I always remember is how blessed I was that Tammy was in my life. I was so proud she chose me to be her husband. Not many couples experience the bliss of being true soul mates. But, with deep love comes deep grief. Your journey is just beginning and while it may feel hopeless. I promise you that at some point you will see hope through the darkness. Continue to post here, it will help.

Peter, I too lost the love of my life, my sweet Tammy, on March 6, 2015. She was my world, my everything... my once in a lifetime soul mate. I could have written your post virtually word for word about Tammy. This is the hardest thing any of us can go through. About the only thing you can do, is live moment to moment. Then an hour at a time. And then one day at a time. I think you'll find solace and understanding here at the forum. We are all living our lives without the person that made us complete. Some here are newly bereaved like you, others, like me, are over a year into our grief journey and many here have been grieving for a very long time. And that's one of the wonderful things about this forum. You truly will get some perspective on grief. And it will help. For now try to take care of yourself physically by getting rest and eating properly. Try to spend time with people who are supportive, if you can. Consider grief counseling as well. Last but not least (as Stephen mentioned), you didn't fail your wife. I've also wrestled with those feelings, but, you have to remember the truth is, you loved her with all you had and you did the best you could. Unfortunately, things happens that ultimately, are out of our control. I'm so sorry you lost your dear wife and I hope you're able to find some comfort in the near future.

Robin, it's very clear you love Kevin deeply. The fact is, you wouldn't be at this forum if you didn't. It's that love you feel that has you questioning your every move and bemoaning the things you feel you did "wrong". But there is one important fact that can't be overlooked. We are all human beings and we all have our faults. In my world, Tammy was perfect for me but she wasn't perfect and neither am I. None of us human beings are. I understand how magnified all these thoughts are now. There is no "do over" in life and it's hard to come to grips with those regrets and those shouldas and couldas. The feeling of guilt can be overwhelming and debilitating. Remember though, you're very early in your journey, everything is new and raw and each day is a challenge. It take times to absorb all of this and to find your way. Grief can't be rushed. It truly is a one day at a time experience.

Marg, my heart goes out to you. It's hard enough to have lost the love of your life but the additional drama that you are dealing with is staggering. I hope I'm not speaking out of turn regarding Kelli. I know you said you forgive and forget and you put up with her antics but it seems to me she is a toxic individual who needs serious help. At a certain point, if everyone in your family is being impacted in a negative way, something needs to change. I don't know all the particulars but it saddens me that someone as good-hearted as you (and dealing with deep grief) is being tormented by her own daughter. Hugs and prayers that things get better.

Robin, I understand what you are saying and I hope in time you can forgive yourself. ((((Hugs))))

Robin, it certainly is your journey and your choice to not seek counseling. I respect that. I wanted to talk about your mention of this being your cross to bear and it being "well deserved". Believe me, I understand the sense of guilt and regret you are going through. You've said you didn't do enough and didn't appreciate him the way you should have. In many ways, I think we all have had similar thoughts. After all, they're gone and we're still here. Losing the person that we loved with all our heart is devastating enough. But then hindsight rears it's ugly head and we begin to question if we somehow were to blame in some way. And the pain we feel and the sadness is worsened. You don't "deserve" any of this devastating pain and anguish. Deserving implies that you need to be punished somehow for your actions. The thing is, you didn't cause this tragedy and you certainly never wanted it to happen. Please try to keep that in mind. You need to try to be gentle with yourself and not "beat yourself up" so much. Of course, that's much easier said than done. This grief journey is like walking through a field filled with emotional land mines. With each step you take, you never know where those mines might be. Unfortunately, they're pretty much unavoidable. I'm sorry everything feels so unbearable right now and I wish I knew the right words to help soothe your pain.

Brad, that is wonderful to hear. I'm learning to adapt to this new life and I function but finding real pleasure and joy is something that has eluded me. Maybe some day, I too will find some semblance of happiness.

Kay, just throwing this out there as a guy who knows a little about cars. First off, a Camry is a good car, but... Generally speaking, an 18 year old car with nearly 160k on the speedo is probably only going to be a short term solution. Regular maintenance is great but there are so many potentially expensive wear and tear components like the suspension, brakes, water pump and timing belt (just to mention a few) that might break at anytime. Does your daughter drive a lot of miles? Hopefully though, she gets a couple years out of it. That would be a huge positive!

Robin, I know how something like that can anger you. Everything is so raw and you're living this painful life overwhelmed with grief and reading those words feels so wrong. Truth is, the person that wrote those words, isn't the authority on your grief. Words can be very powerful especially when we are in an emotionally fragile state. The longer I live this grief journey of mine, the more I realize my grief will last a lifetime. It's a question of somehow adapting to and enduring the incredible roller coaster ride we're now on. I know I've said it before and it's only a suggestion, but please, think about grief counseling, ok?

19... I'm so sorry for your loss. You're so right about sad not even being close to accurate to describe your feelings. Devastated comes close but there is no one word to describe it. The person you loved with all your heart has died and your joyful "perfect" world has been rocked to the core with this one event. My wife Tammy died unexpectedly last March 6th and I lost my one true love. I lost the woman of my dreams and I lost the future that was to be our life together. Like others have said, the fact that you are 19 doesn't mean your sense of loss is less or more than someone older. This is, without question, the most painful loss imaginable. You know those people that say "you'll get over it" and you'll "move on"? Well, to put it bluntly, they're clueless. People that haven't experienced the loss of their soul mate don't have an idea of the depth of pain you're experiencing. Sure, they want to make you feel better, but, you don't get over a loss like this. And "moving on" needs to be replaced with the phrase "moving forward". But that's a discussion for another time, much further in your grief journey. I'm 15 plus months into my grief journey and I know that I'll never get over losing my Tammy. What happens is, with time, you learn to adjust to an extent but there will always be that hole in your heart. You need to cherish those memories of your time with your guy so that in a way, his spirit and that love never fades away. To this day I still talk to my Tammy and it does make me feel less alone. For now though there's only one thing to do. Take it a moment at a time. Make sure you surround yourself with people that make you feel better and are understanding and supportive. Posting here will help and grief counseling is a good idea. Get your sleep and try to eat well. I wish you some sense of comfort in the coming days and weeks. Mitch

Gwen and Kay you're both so right, what we wouldn't give for one of those mundane "normal' days of old. The days when just watching TV or eating a meal was special simply because we were together. The problem is we now have a new reality, a "new normal" if you will. In my world, I'm learning to adapt to being alone. The trick for me is that I do talk with Tammy, sometimes verbally and sometimes in my mind. Sure I have many moments I cry when I think about all that Tammy went through and how unfair so many things were, but, I have to try to focus a good portion of my attention to the present. If I focus too much on the past, I have a hard time functioning. I have to sort of "compartmentalize" my grief thoughts so I'm not feeling constantly overwhelmed. Does that make sense?

Bill, I know how much it hurts and how futile it feels. It's an empty life without the woman that loved you and that you cherished like no other. It feels like your heart was ripped from your chest and someone tossed a hand grenade to your soul. It's the worst feeling in the world. We're left behind in a world that we don't recognize, and we're not even sure who we are anymore. What I try to do is always remember how it felt to have Tammy by my side. That's the life I loved. No, we can't go back in time, but, we can live this life with our beloved "with us" all the time. I talk to Tammy, I see things through her eyes, and I know she still is here and wanting to be with me. Of course it's not like being able to touch her or hold her in my arms. But, it helps me get through the day without feeling life is 100% futile. Again, it's all about having some sense of hope. I understand that what works for me may not work for you. I think we all sort of figure out what helps and what doesn't, in time. I'm so sorry your life is filled with so much anguish and I wish I could help more.

I think the like button is a very good forum "tool". There are times we read a post and it's helpful, or makes us laugh, or it touches our heart. We may not know how to respond in words so hitting the like button is a great way to acknowledge the post. On my own forum, the like button also prevents many one word posts like " thanks" or "cool". Just my two cents. Oh wait, with inflation maybe that's a nickel.

As far as dreams go, isn't it true that many, if not most dreams are based on what just happened to you during that same day's activities? Could that explain why our loved ones aren't often in our dreams? I've had dreams of Tammy from time to time. I know we all wished we had dreams where they were with us and healthy and we could somehow hold them in our arms.

Robin, None of us wanted this new life alone. There we were, minding our own business so to speak, living the life of love we wanted and in the blink of an eye, everything was turned upside down. From that moment on, we live in a different world. It feels cold and dark and dismal. It's filled with pain and anguish, and we wonder how on earth we can continue living like this. But here's the rub... we humans have this built in survival instinct. Even though emotionally it feels like we'd rather not be here, we're programmed to keep on going. And that's the challenge of this grief journey. Finding our way in a world we never wanted and somehow not only surviving, but thriving. It winds up bring a gut wrenching learning experience. Hopefully, what I've learned these past nearly 16 months can help you a bit. You're still early in your grief. You wake up and everyday your world is filled with nothing but thoughts of your loss and how impossible the future seems. And that's understandable. You're husband was just taken away from you. One thing I've learned is to not think too far ahead. Yes, thoughts of today are incredibly painful but thinking of the future hurts even more. Just try to live in the moment. And just do the best you can. You'll learn to do the "grief dance". There are different versions. Some days it's one step forward, two steps back. Other days, it might be two steps forward, one step back. And it might even be two steps backward and nothing more. It takes time. There is an ebb and flow to grief. I know it's hard to imagine what I'm going to say is true, but, it does get "better". Better being a relative term. Life will never be the same. Because you're so early in your grief and because grief is so complicated and overwhelming, you need a tremendous amount of understanding and emotional support. Posting here is a very good start, and I'm so glad you're doing that! I also think grief counseling would be a real help to you. Just like you, I wasn't sure counseling would be right for me but I reached a point that I knew I needed outside help. And my counselor definitely helped me to an extent. None of us ever wanted to be in a position where we had to join a grief community or post in a loss of spouse section, but, here we are. Continue to post here and please take care of yourself. Let your mantra simply be "one day at a time". Members here will help walk you through this difficult journey. Hugs, Mitch

Kath... It's interesting that you mentioned that. All my life, I preferred to sleep in total darkness. It just was how I liked it. Of course as a kid I made sure every inch of me was covered by the blanket. There was that fear that if a foot or something was sticking out, a monster might "attack it". Tammy was afraid of the dark so we would keep a nightlight on in our master bathroom. Of course I'd try to keep the door just a little cracked and Tammy preferred it wide open. We kind of compromised. Then a funny thing happened. Tammy would go back to be with her folks in Illinois once or twice a year. I'd stay home due to work obligations. Well, every night I'd leave a light on in the bedroom. I just didn't feel comfortable in the dark. It wasn't fear persay, I just wasn't at ease like I was when Tammy was home. And then March 6 happened and my world changed forever. I no longer like total darkness. I put the nightlight in the master bathroom on and I keep the door all the way open. Maybe a small part of that is me wanting things to be the way they were; hoping somehow that Tammy is still there in bed but I can't see her. Mitch

Marita that is so kind of you to say. Thank you for reading and replying to my updated thoughts. The reason I wanted to update it was to give others (who are early in grief and hurting deeply) a sense that there is hope. You're thoughtful words mean so much to me.

I wanted to re-visit this topic I started 15 months ago, and about three weeks after Tammy died. I thought it might be interesting and helpful to touch on some of my thoughts and any differences I feel today. I remember so well the night I wrote this first post. I was pretty much despondent and I've honestly never felt that low before. Thoughts of suicide did cross my mind and I tried reaching out to anyone and everyone on the phone so I could vent and talk about Tammy. Many of the thoughts I had on that late March day in 2015 are still the same today. I'm still trying to figure out how to live a meaningful life. I still can't imagine true happiness. I'm still traumatized by the events on March 6, 2015. And family and friends still don't understand. But there is one major difference between then and now. It's that one word I used towards the end of my original post... "hopelessness". Back then, and in that moment, there was no hope. No hope for a life worth living. Life didn't just feel futile, it truly was. Somewhere along the way, and I can't pinpoint it 100%, a glimmer of hope made it's way into my head. It may have been some kind words spoken here or maybe it was the day Tammy's beloved ceiling fan in the bedroom turned itself on to get my attention. Somewhere along the line I heard a voice in my head saying, "You can do this Mitch". Meaning that, my perfect angel Tammy may have died but I am living with her in my heart and she will always be beside me, gently motivating me and always showing me her love. The first fifteen months of my grief journey have been terribly hard and at times almost unbearable. But, I'm still trying my best and putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes I trip over my own feet, but I now know that's part of this painful and agonizing process.

None of us know that answer. The only thing we know is that we are here. And our beloved is somewhere else... The question is... where? Some believe with death comes nothingness. It's the end. In my heart though, I can't fathom the possibility that someone with the incredible love and courage and positive spirit that Tammy exuded, could possibly cease to exist in some way. I've also had a number of events where I feel Tammy has helped me, even though she has died. That gives me a sense of hope that, yes, I will be with Tammy again someday in some way. For now though, my Tammy exists in my heart, in my memories, and in my soul. Mitch

The thing is, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday Thursday and Friday are pretty rough, too. Ever notice how everything that's bad in our lives seems magnified and anything remotely "good" seems to be minimized in our eyes? Gin, I honestly don't feel worse when I see or hear about happy couples doing happy things together. Maybe working with the public, and often couples, (on an almost daily basis) has helped me get desensitized to it. The only couple that's on my mind is Mitch and Tammy. Yes, weekends are hard, no question, but everyday is hard, alone and without the love of our life in it.

Calorie-burning activities for the sedentary Proper weight control cannot be attained by dieting alone; however, many people who are engaged in sedentary occupations don't realize that calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that don't require much (or any) physical exercise. Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume. Beating around the bush . . . . . . . . .75 Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . . 100 Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . . 150 Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50 Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25 Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250 Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500 Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50 Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . .75 Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350 Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 650

Central Maryland this time of year is generally around 90+ with our oppressively high humidity. Today is a near perfect summer day. Sadly, grief has changed everything. I'll be on the inside, looking out. No motivation and no one to be with during this lovely day.

Massgal, I'm so sorry you lost your beloved husband, Rex. Losing your soul mate affects you on so many levels, it's simply overwhelming. Right now, try to do the basics. Get your rest and try to eat properly. I know that isn't always as easy as it sounds when your whole life has been turned upside down. I lost my wonderful wife Tammy in March of 2015 after many years of devastating illnesses. She was my everything and my grief has been difficult and existence changing. And like you I'm in a very difficult place, financially. Many here are blessed in that they don't have the additional burden of living paycheck to paycheck as I do. Tammy lost her life insurance because she was so sick that we didn't have the money left to pay her premiums. Early on I knew it would be a struggle to pay bills so what I did was cut back where I could cut back. No more premium cable, cheaper phone and plan, try to use less water and electricity, etc. That shaved quite a bit off my monthly bills. Talk to your bank about your situation with the mortgage to see if they will work with you. But for now the most important thing is your emotional well being. Of course, it's all tied in. I fully understand the enormity of losing your "rock"... your anchor. All you can do is take it one day at a time. Don't overwhelm yourself too much thinking too far out. You need to worry about yourself in the moment. Continue to post here if you can; it will help. Mitch