mittam99

Steve, you could have learned that word (obama) a while back if you checked out this post I made: Update: I see you deleted it, Steve. I honestly don't think any rednecks or Marty would have been offended. Humor is actually very therapeutic.

So Lucy (Marg), "Splain me this"... (you have to read that with Ricky Ricardo's voice in your head)... What happened at the table if you were eating and a burp just came up naturally? Did your parents send you to your room?

"Sucks" is actually the perfect choice. Try and think of any other single word that describes it more accurately. I've tried. Smoke comes out of my ears and my brain hurts. Dreadful-horrible-atrocious-painful-meaningless-wretched-miserable-lonely-awful-abysmal-empty... is that a word?

Maryann... I certainly hope you knew I wasn't implying that it was only men that hide their feelings inside. All I know is when I was young I did exactly that. And it didn't work. At some point, those emotions would build up and I would basically explode. In grief it's even more important to vent and let your feelings be heard. And not just heard... understood. Here at the forum, that understanding and empathy can be the difference between having a good or bad day.

Steve you talked about guys having a hard time showing their vulnerability and that's true. We were brought up to be the "strong one" and to "have a stiff upper lip" to a degree. I guess I'm unusual in that I grew up with two sisters (no brothers) and was close to my mom and my grandmother and had a bunch of female friends. I've never been afraid to show my emotions. Matter of fact, I learned a long time ago not to keep my feelings bottled up inside. Allowing them to "fester" inside can be quite unhealthy, IMO.

I think from time to time and for various reasons, people may just be reading and not posting. There are some days, personally, I just don't have anything enlightening to contribute. On the other hand, there are days I feel like I post non-stop and even give the mighty Marg and Kay a run for the money!

rdownes... It's certainly your perogative to not try counseling. And I can respect that. The only thing is, you are clearly consumed with a sense of guilt. And guilt is one of those things that will tend to eat at you and won't let go. I know this first hand. When I first joined here a few weeks after my beloved wife Tammy died unexpectedly, I was filled with pain, with tears and with guilt. Why couldn't I save Tammy? Why did I ever get in an argument with her? Why wasn't I a more perfect husband? The guilty thoughts went on and on... I did go to grief counseling and it helped to an extent, but I found my best insight here at the forum. Everyone here is going through the same type of grief. Everyone is dealing with or has dealt with those feelings of regret and the "what-if's". And those gut wrenching "woulda coulda shoulda's". The members here have helped me so much with their kindness and mostly, their understanding. Continue to post your feelings here. Talk about your beloved husband as much as you want. I know it won't be easy (nothing in grief is) but it will definitely help. And please, try to be gentle to yourself.

Thanks Steve. I was thinking about your "parallel lives" comment. You know, let's face it, we're guys who've lost our beloved wives. That makes us pretty unusual here at the forum. We probably make up less than 10% of the regular posters here. Ladies, you have us outnumbered and surrounded... we surrender. Grief is grief so to speak but I do think that guys have to deal with a somewhat different set of changes than the women do. And because we are such a "rare commodity" here at the forum, I think our voice is important, and hopefully, helps.

A failure? Butch please don't ever even think that! You're a man who loved his wife and everything about your life with her. Hearing a sentimental song like that rekindles all types of powerful emotions. It's love. We all deal with those kind of triggers. That's just grief. No more "failure talk", ok? Got it?

Thank you for all your thoughful words and ideas. You guys are awesome. I'm going to go ahead and use the new bedding set. I know Tammy would be ok with that. Like every other change or decision though, nothing comes easy or without anguish. Last night I was confused and in turmoil. Now I feel at peace with this decision. This feels like one of those "moving forward" moments in my grief journey. Truth is, things like bedding, are just that, things. Tammy touched and used many things in this house and most are still here and aren't going anywhere. And the most important "thing" that Tammy touched was me. She touched my heart and my soul. And I plan on living with Tammy as a part of me for the rest of my life. Isn't that what really matters? This is just another small step I've taken on my journey. I think I'm now past the baby steps stage and have taken my first "toddler step". I believe Tammy would be proud. And hey, she can check out the new comforter and pillows anytime she wants.

Very nice work, Kay and Patty. That painting is absolutely amazing, Patty. Truly mesmerizing. And I like to think I have a pretty good eye for art (my parents ran a small art gallery for years). I'm in awe.

Wow, I am really wrestling with this whole changing bedding situation. I was pretty much back and forth all night trying to figure out what to do. It's really playing on my mind. It probably doesn't help that I'm off this week from work and I'm home 24/7. Hopefully, some members here will have some thoughts to post after they read my words. I've been trying to "spruce up" the house over the past few months. During the last few years much of our time and money was spent dealing with Tammy's health issues. Now alone, I have the time and a few bucks to spend (here and there) to fix things around this old house. I'm working on the master bedroom now. The only thing I was thinking of changing was the bedding and the curtains. The comforter is looking pretty shoddy these days. Here's the problem... Tammy's Lupus and other conditions meant she suffered from extreme fatigue. She spent most of her time in our bed. When I lay in bed, or even look at the bed, I think of Tammy. I actually picked out that comforter but Tammy adored it. Unfortunately, it looks terribly worn these days. So I bought a new set in similar colors. Put it on yesterday afternoon and it looked great... but... it just didn't feel right. I like sleeping in bed knowing Tammy slept on those pillows and used that comforter. So, I took the new set off and put it in the closet. But it didn't end there... All yesterday evening, it bothered me. Tammy didn't like it when I wasted money of stuff, nor do I. Steve mentioned in a post that there needs to be a point when you make changes for yourself, knowing that Tammy would be OK with it because she loves me and wants me to be happy. So, even though I had just put the old bedding set back on, I made the switch to the new set again! Well, that lasted about two hours and I switched it back to the old again. By this point I'm worn out. How many times can you lift mattresses in a day? As you can see, I'm really confused and this is causing considerable angst. I don't know what to do. In a way, putting on the new set had me wondering if I was somehow "moving on" and forgetting Tammy. Not that it would ever happen, just wondering. At the same time, the new set looked good and Tammy was all about changing things up for a fresh look. I think I'm just stuck in the thought that being in that bed will feel bad/wrong because I'm losing some of Tammy's "essence" in it. Does that make sense to anybody? It's like I'm throwing Tammy out of bed or something. I know that sounds nuts, but grief will do that to you. Your thoughts and gracious words needed... Mitch

Ana, that's the best way we can look at things. Let's be real here... most of our days feel awful... and painful. When we do have a "good" day or actually feel hopeful, we should cherish the moment. There's a good possibility our next overwhelming grief wave is close at hand. That's just how grief is. Hopefully, down the road, all of us will have more good and peaceful days than wretched and agonizing ones.

There's no doubt that Marty's site has the best grief-based forum online. It's not an exaggeration to say it's been a lifesaver for many. Kath, I just want to touch on this 1-4 year grief journey concept you mentioned. Honestly, there is no time frame or time limit on grief. Matter of fact, I believe that my grief journey will last a lifetime. Not that the pain will be the same or my life will still be "going through the motions". It's just that I've learned it's a marathon and definitely not a sprint. I'm glad you've chosen to post here. It will help in many ways. And I'm so glad you have hope. Hugs.

Butch, seeing those pictures of the beautiful and healthy Gracie, one word pops into my head... Superstar!

Steve, thank you for that wonderfully written and enlightened post! That really helped.

I love the quote as well, Marita. The thing is, I hurt every day. It's such an unbearable existence at times... living life without my sweet Tammy by my side. It's often hard to fathom how I've even survived these past 15 months. But, two things have helped me cope and move in a forward direction. First and foremost, the love Tammy and I shared. It's a very powerful thing. That love though, can be a double edged sword at times. We often hurt because we yearn for that life of love we're now missing. But, if we use that feeling of love in a positive way, we realize how blessed we are. That love we shared never dies. No one can take it from us. The other thing that is so needed, not just during this grief journey, but in life in general, is hope. Let's face it, it's basically impossible to move forward in a positive way if life feels utterly hopeless. Of course, so many of us feel so much despair that even the concept of hope is unimaginable. I try to hold on to and cherish every small glimmer of hope I find. Those glimmers can be few and far between so they need to be savored.

Marita, that last sentence about being an odd duck "quacked" me up. Very cute way to put it. Truth is, we're all odd ducks in our own way, and that's the great thing about this community. We all are dealing with similar situations but we all handle them in a way that works best for us, and that's OK. Grief is a very personal journey. The path taken and the direction we go are unique to us.

I have so much angst when it comes to decisions on changing things here at home. I never really was that way before. Perfect example was today. I had ordered a new comforter set because the one on our bed was pretty well worn. I knew it was going to be a difficult change. Tammy and I spent more time in bed together than anywhere else. And the new set is very nice. Similar colors to what we had (burgundy, chocolate brown, taupe, white) and that Tammy loved. But, I just wasn't ready to make the change. I guess it was a combination of guilt (guilt that she wasn't here to enjoy and use it) and that pain in the pit of my stomach that said it didn't feel right... yet. Nothing comes easy on this grief journey. So back in the bag it went and it's hiding in the closet until the time comes I feel ready. Of course, I have no idea when that will be.

Steve, here's a small area of our dresser that kind of let's you know a little about Tammy. She loved her scents, loved her lotions (especially when I was using them and massaging her!), loved her little Katie (in the picture dressed as an angel). She loved so many little "cutesy" things like anything frog related or owls or as you see in the picture, two of her many sock monkeys. The candle you see, well that's on me. Tammy loved candles so much, especially those scented ones. The thing is, I am very safety conscious and the idea of candles burning at home while Tammy was sleeping made me nervous. So, that's one of the LED candles that looks like the real thing when it's on. And finally, that black box. That's something that just saddens me. It's the watch I gave Tammy for a Christmas/Anniversary (our last one together) gift. A watch she never got to wear.

Gwen, I know what you mean. I still have things like Tammy's combs and her toothbrush and her perfumes sitting where they always were. It's not a "just in case"... I know she's not coming back. But, if there was an empty spot where those items once were, I'd feel another sense of emptiness and loss. It all boils down to living our life and doing things in a way that feels right for us.

Even though I only post about my Tammy in terms that seem to make her "superhuman", she was (as we all are), imperfect. But, she truly was perfect for me. She loved me, warts and all. I've never sugar coated the life Tammy and I had. It was beautiful and it was gut wrenchingly hard when Tammy was ill, which was quite often. It was our deep and intense love, our mutual sense of humor and our belief that " things will get better" that got us through those difficult moments. After Tammy died, I was just numb. The sadness overwhelmed. Now fifteen and a half months later I've had time to reflect on my life with Tammy and reflect on who Tammy was. More than ever, I realize how amazing she was and that maybe there were times I took for granted just how truly wonderful she was. The truth is, Mitch and Tammy together was a team for the ages. Mitch alone is an empty shell filled to the brim with sadness.

Kath... welcome to our grief community. It's a place none of us wish we had to join but it's a very important and understanding place. I'm so sorry you have lost your beloved Charley. And I'm so sorry you are dealing with so many insensitive people. That's horrible. Fact: People who haven't lost a spouse don't have a clue. It's not that they're uncaring (they think they're helping), they just don't understand the pain you are going through. That's the thing about our grief, none of us knew how hard this would be and none of us ever thought we'd be alone. We loved our husbands and wives and we loved the life we had. All you can do is go moment to moment and do the best you can. You need to try to find a support system and joining here is a great start. I know you've shut down from talking about Charley to friends, but it will definitely help to talk about Charley to us. I find it's so important to tell others about my beautiful wife Tammy. It's a way to honor her and keep her memory alive. Knowing that someone reading your words "gets it" makes all the difference in the world! Mitch

Wow Terri, sounds like that old lady has been watching way too many late night horror flicks or reading Stephen King novels or something. Sheesh. Oh wait, I do remember that little known book "Kitty Cat Cannibals". Just saying. Beware of Frankie and his "funny" stares at you. That's not short for Frankenstein by any chance?

George, I understand what you mean. Tammy, being the Midwestern raised girl, was especially fond of things like cheese and butter. She loved a lot of things that probably weren't the best choices for her health. Things like Andy Capp's hot fries. And I did try to persuade her from time to time to try to eat healthier. But, her "comfort foods" gave her pleasure, and in the world of constant pain she lived in, I do understand why she made the choices she did.