mittam99

I thought this was an interesting quote about hope and very wise. It's easy to be hopeful when times are good. To be able to see real hope through the darkness of grief is a very special thing.

One thing to at least consider is seeing a grief counselor. I don't know if you've considered the idea yet. Your son might be helped as well. There is no easy answer you can give your son. There are no easy answers in grief, no "user guide" or "grief handbook". We all are learning on the fly, so to speak. Your telling him to take it one day at a time is fine advice and really, all you can do. You both need to get your rest, eat well and drink plenty of water. Grief takes a lot out a person physically and emotionally. Don't feel bad for not knowing what to say to your son. Clearly, you love him and that's as important as almost anything you can say. Sometimes all you need in the moment is a hug. I know you're only four weeks into your grief. You may be interested in a topic I started when I was a bit less than four weeks in. It sort of chronicles the first few months of my grief journey and I know others that are new to grief have found some solace in it. Dealing with those Moments Mitch

Kevin and Steve... I am alone and I do feel lonely. Maybe it's the fact that you two are much further along in your journey. My social life pretty much consists of going to work. Beyond that, I'm just not ready to do more. I try to occupy my time as best I can but it only serves one purpose... it occupies time and that's it. It doesn't fulfill me. My life still feels like it's in a holding pattern. I mean, I understand I'll never have the sheer joy I had when Tammy was alive again, but, I don't really understand what comes next for me. I am sort of re-learning how to live my life. As far as this grief journey goes, I still feel like a toddler.

Dawn, I understand your feelings regarding many in the medical field. Over the years, my wife Tammy and I dealt with so many "professionals" that were incompetent and had the bedside manner of a wet rat. But, here's the thing. Right now, try not to dwell on them. They aren't important. You need to save your emotional energy for your own well being. For this grief journey. They have have to live with themselves... you don't. By the way, mittam99 is my screen name, you are welcome to call me Mitch, like everyone else.

Ana, that's the only way I too can survive this horror show of a life they call a grief journey. I have to believe that Tammy is here by my side, loving me. I'm glad you felt Fred's presence and I'm so happy you're feeling a sense of peace today. Thank you for donating blood. My dad died of leukemia and transfusions were a regular part of his treatment.

Kay, here's wishing you nothing but comfort and peace on your beloved George's birthday today.

I'm off of work this week and the loneliness, emptiness and meaninglessness of life without Tammy is so magnified. I feel so alone. When I go to work, I do have some sense of purpose five days a week. A mission. Sure, it's not 24 hours worth of meaning but it does help. Being with people helps. But... I needed this time off, badly. I was getting a little burned out emotionally at work and physically my body needed the break. It's just that I can't seem to get motivated to do the things I need to do around the house. But you know what? That's ok. One thing I've learned about grief is to be gentle with myself. This life is hard enough, being too hard on yourself does absolutely nothing positive. So, if I'm off this week and accomplish nothing beyond sleeping, bathing and feeding myself, I'm OK with that. Then again, I really do need to take out the trash and mow the lawn. And vacuum. And do the dishes. And go to the bank. On second thought, I think I need to go back to bed.

I still tell Tammy I love her pretty much daily. Hope she isn't getting tired of me saying that!

Believe me, I understand the anguish that you're feeling. The sense of regret or guilt that plays on your mind. My wife Tammy died unexpectedly last March 6th and it felt like my life ended with hers. We were madly in love and inseparable. She was my everything. I too have wrestled with the feelings of guilt. Those "what-if's" have played on my mind. But here's the thing. The only thing you were "guilty" of was loving your Lucien. Sadly, life is unpredictable and unscripted. Even if you had told him to come back with you there's no guarantee that something like this wouldn't have ever happened. Truth is, you were being selfless and loving when you told him to have fun with his friends. As far as feeling somewhat abandoned by family and friends, join the "club". So many of us have experienced the same thing. Most people just aren't equipped to handle someone else's grief. That's the great thing about members here. We do understand what it feels like and we can help. Mitch

Dawn, those "milestone" dates like anniversaries and birthdays are extra challenging. It's just another painful reminder of not only our loved one's death, but of the loss of the future that we had planned together. That happy world that we were living in (and thought would be for always) was suddenly and permanently taken from us. Empty and numb as you mentioned is pretty much the norm in grief. I guess the opposite would be fulfilled and lively and it takes a long time to get there. How long? I have no idea. After 15 months, it still feels empty to me. This life we never wanted is hard. So hard that we wonder how on earth we will ever find comfort or a sense of happiness. It's all baby steps. And just when you have an "OK" day a grief wave hits and you're rocked to your core with anguish and you feel like you've taken two steps back. It takes time. A lot of it. You need to be gentle with yourself and you need to take care of yourself, body and mind. You need to try to surround yourself with supportive and understanding people. And it's all easier said than done. I think it will help to not only post here often but to read what others have written. This forum is a wonderful resource filled with stories of love and the pain of grieving and importantly, hope. You gotta have hope. Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day for you and for all of us. Grief truly is a day to day, moment to moment world.

Maryann, that's a lovely and heartwarming wedding moment. It's so wonderful that you have such a tight-knit family at your job. As you said, those memories are bittersweet but let's concentrate on the sweet and try to let go of the bitter if we can.

Marg, let me start by getting one thing out of the way... You are something special. Unique to a fault. You do Billy proud every day. I just wanted to say that the picture quote in your post says it all. None of us wanted this to be our life. But we had no choice in the matter. I love the positivity of that last line... "I will find my way" needs to be the mantra for all of us.

Kay, that's a fantastic point! I imagine if someone newly in pain comes to the spouse forum on a day where we all get "chit-chatty" in a topic called "It hurts so bad", that could be rather off-putting. We don't want someone in need of help running away from our forum for that reason.

After reading the replies to my post about Tammy's birthday topic, I realize that many here only check out the Loss of Spouse forum. While it's completely understandable, you may be missing some interesting, important, helpful stuff. A few months ago I started clicking the "view unread content" link and to my surprise found out there actually is life/activity beyond the Spouse forum! Just a thought.

Marty, We so badly need an Off-Topic section at the forum. Please take the time to read this with an open mind. I'm saying this from the point of view of someone who has started and managed many forums of varying kinds for nearly 20 years. I understand that this is a Grief based forum and certainly that's where the attention belongs. However, we are all human beings and even though we grieve there are other aspects that make up our lives. That's where the Off Topic board idea comes from. Let me give you some valid and pertinent examples. The recent, horrendous attack in Orlando. Sure, we've referred to the tragedy in a few posts in the Spouse forum but a tragedy of this emotional magnitude deserves it's own thread. A while back, Prince died. No one knew where to post the news so it wound up in "Loss of Friend". The thing is, no one who posted in the topic was actually a "friend" of Prince's. We were fans. I've talked to a number of members here who agree with me on this. It won't "dilute" the quality or intent of this board in any way and it might just make it even more inviting. Certainly all posts within the off-topic section would abide by the forum rules and guidelines. Sincerely, Mitch

Let's face it, we all wish we had our old lives back. We were with the person that made us complete and simply made life so much better. Somehow, some way, we need to move forward on our own. And it's a difficult task. Some things help us on our journey, some things hold us back. One thing that helps is hope. If you can't see any possibility of life getting better, it's hard to move forward. Jealousy is another feeling that doesn't help and certainly not when you're grieving. Sure it's painful to see other couples together, and you long for the relationship you had, but, (unfortunately) our loved ones aren't coming back. Jealousy or anger towards other couples only reinforces our feeling of emptiness. It's just not healthy, IMO. We need to concentrate on ourselves and try to find the positives, even though they are so few and far between. The world around us still goes on, even though, to us, it feels like the world should have stopped. Yes, this new life sucks but sometimes I think the main thing holding us back from progressing is ourselves, and believe me, I know this first hand.

Steve, thanks for the thoughtful words. I know that members here probably simply didn't see the topic. I could have made a new topic in the spouse forum but I already have started a number of them and the "Special Days" forum seemed a perfect fit. I also know there are times we are wrapped up in our own situation and our own misery and sometimes those blinders are on and we can't deal with others pain. I'm guilty of that from time to time myself. I try to honor Tammy at any chance I get. She wasn't just my perfect wife and my soul mate, she was my inspiration. My life. It's important to me that others know about Tammy. The world was a better and genuinely happier place when she was in it.

rdownes, I'm so sorry for the loss that brings you here. Losing your soul mate and the grief that follows is just about the most painful and overwhelming thing any human being could possibly endure. Reading your post, it felt like I could have written so many of the same words. I understand that feeling of your pain and anguish being different than what your children are going through. Losing a parent is a terrible thing. They raised you, were your role model etc... but, when you lose a soul mate, it affects EVERY aspect of your life and it changes you to your very core. You lose your identity. I lost my wife Tammy, suddenly last March 6th. She was only 45. She truly was my world. My everything. The best thing that ever happened to me. We were soul mates through and through. When I was just a few weeks in my grief, just like you are, I honestly didn't think I could go on. Life felt so unreal and in such a nightmarish way, I wasn't sure I even wanted to live like this. But here I am, 15 months later and still hanging on. I still cry almost daily. I'm still sort of going through the motions, but, I am here. This grief journey, will be hard. I can't sugar coat it. Right now, so early in your grief, you need to take care of yourself. That means getting plenty of rest and eating properly. I know even doing the basics like that is a challenge but it will help. Even something as basic as remembering to drink enough water can be a challenge, but it's necessary. Try to surround yourself with understanding and supportive people. Going into grief counseling or at some point seeing a grief group, could help. Posting here has made a huge difference to me because the people here really do "get" what you are going through. It's a real help and a real blessing to have a site like this available to us. I know how hard and how painful life feels for you right now. You have so many questions in your head. You have regrets, feel guilt etc... You miss him with everything you have and the idea of a future without him and seeing any happiness seems impossible. But, I can tell you this, without question. It's clear how much you loved him and how much he loved you. And that's what's going to help you in this journey. You were blessed to find your soul mate and to have the kind of love you had. Carry that with you throughout this journey. Let him always live in your heart and remember that he will always be with you. You said he "always tried so hard". Use that as inspiration. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Be patient. This is a long journey. Here's wishing you comfort and peace. Mitch

Amen, Marita. Amen.

My Tammy died in a very traumatic way as well. We had just come home after a long hospital and rehab stay. I thought the day was going to be a good one and was setting up exercise equipment and cooking a special meal for Tammy. Then she started having trouble breathing and said I should call 911, and then told me not to bother because she must have caught her breath at that moment. A short time later, she was having trouble breathing again and I called 911 and they sent an ambulance. It all happened so fast and horribly after that. When the paramedics arrived, she wasn't doing well. Her vitals were failing rapidly. Right before they hastily put an oxygen mask on her she said, "help me... help me." She was so scared. And they whisked her to the ambulance. Those were the last words I heard her say. And the look of helplessness on her face will always haunt me. I ran outside to find out why the ambulance wasn't rushing away. And to my horror as I looked in the back of the ambulance, I saw a man pounding on Tammy's chest with his fist and Tammy bouncing like a ragdoll. It felt like my life ended at that moment. Tammy was gone before she arrived at the hospital. And so my life with my perfect, beautiful and sweet wife Tammy became a new life of overwhelming sadness and grief. 15 months later, I still hurt. You never "get over" a loss like this. You do learn to cope to an extent and you learn to ride those grief waves a little better. It really is a moment to moment existence. One moment you feel sort of "OK" and the next moment you're bawling and it feels like it did that first day. This grief journey is incredibly hard.

Gwen, I didn't think it was appropriate to post it in a thread about meaninglessness, so I posted in the more appropriate "Special Days" forum as I previously mentioned.

I too wish us all peace, as well as some sense of comfort. And days filled with increasingly less pain and suffering. And hopefully... a life that actually has meaning. And most of all, a life that truly feels worth living versus just going through the motions and living life with as much zeal and passion as a zombie.

Marg, I wasn't posting about my hurt and confusion for any reason other than I consider members here family. I know you have an incredible amount on your plate as do many here. But, it just felt like an abandonment in a way just like I've felt in my "real world". Tammy felt abandoned by many as she became more and more incapacitated. And for that reason, it hurt even more. Maryann, I posted in the " Special Days" forum because the description said it all... I posted Thursday night in hopes I could read messages of comfort on Friday. As it turned out, Friday was a terrible, painful, tearful day. All I could muster was a hand written birthday card I put on Tammy's pillow.

First of all, let me preface what I'm about to post with the fact that we all are pretty sensitive in our new lives alone in grief. We're all trying to find our way and trying to cope while the pain of our loss is raging. Not easy in any way. And we need all the love and support we can get, especially when the those moments hit when the anguish is almost too much to bear. I haven't been posting much in the past few days. I've just been feeling so sad and lonely and so hurt by something that happened here at the forum. Friday would have been Tammy's 47th birthday and I made a heartfelt post regarding that late Thursday night. I was so taken aback by the lack of interest in that post that it bewildered me. I guess I mistakenly thought that members here would post many comforting messages and the day wouldn't be quite as painful. George and Kay and Bill did respond and I'm grateful. But, I have to admit, I was hurt that no one else seemed to care. I have nothing in my life. Nothing but pain and heartache. Yet, I try to respond often to others in pain with words I hope will help. I've reached out to dozens of members here privately to let them know I'm here for them if they need help. I've posted loving words about my Tammy all over the board. Not just to honor her but also in the hope that she can be an inspiration to others by the courageous way she lived her life in the face of vast challenges. I'll get over this hurt. I'm living through a much much bigger hurt, daily. But, it certainly makes me wonder if the roles were reversed and you made a heartfelt post on the birthday of the person who made your life worth living and no one seemed to care, how would you react? After all, I thought this grief forum was about giving comfort to those in pain and not causing them to grieve in another way. I wasn't going to post this but I know that I needed to, for my own peace of mind. And I needed to post this for Tammy.

Muggs, Sorry it's been hitting you so hard recently. I lost my wonderful wife Tammy back on March 6, 2015 and the tidal waves of grief still hit me. This is, sadly, the nature of grieving a beloved soul mate. I wish there were easy answers. The only thing any of us can do is face each day the best we can. I see you've only posted a few times here. Posting here at the forum may actually be one of the most therapeutic things you can do. Where else will you find a caring, understanding group that truly "feels your pain"? I hope you find some comfort in the days ahead.