mittam99

Something to consider when it feels like hope is lost... A thought about courage...

Marg, sorry to hear about the fall. That could have been bad. You doing ok? Ladies, here's an important public service safety reminder: "Put purses on dresser, not floor".

I think the sad thing is the fact that we are now in this new life without the one person that was our everything. Finding ourselves, finding meaning and purpose isn't so much sad as it is difficult and often feels downright impossible.

Even though I made a post that contained my "personal report card", I do not constantly judge my progress. I just posted it that way to give my feelings on my "progress" after nearly 15 months. Cookie, here's the thing... I know we have people here that are in different places in their journey both in length of time and emotionally. Those who are in an emotionally bad place will take remarks like "pity party" or someone using a "personal report card" and be taken aback by it, maybe even appalled. The people who are in a different and somewhat more hopeful place read the same words in a different way. It's all your point of view. Each of our journeys is our own, it's personal. All of us grieve in our own fashion. If I want to give myself a personal report card from time to time, I'll do it. If Marty feels like that can be problematic for others, I do understand. But, this is my journey and I'm doing it in a way that feels best/right to me. In life and especially in grief, we all beat to our own inner drummer. In terms of your counselors suggesting anti-depressants, in no way do I think they were saying "Cookie, what is wrong with you? You should be in a better place by now". They see a woman in deep pain emotionally and are looking for ways to have you feeling a little better. I think that's a pretty normal reaction. The bottom line is that grieving a lost soul mate is like being lost in a rowboat in uncharted, shark infested waters. And from time to time that rowboat develops leaks and you need to figure out a way to fix them (on the fly) or you will be sunk! I think that's a pretty apt analogy. No one should be the judge someone of else's way of handling their grief. Each day is our own. To do with it what we may. Grief... the hard as hell journey no one wants to take.

Marty, as an aside there seems to be a ton of issues on mobile using the quote system. And if you accidentally quote something and need to delete the quote, you can't. You can on my desktop but not on my phone or tablet (Android).

Marty, my post was only my own thoughts and certainly wasn't meant for others to "grade" themselves. Like you said, we all grieve in our own way and I expressed my personal thoughts on my own journey. I put it in report card terms for myself. That showed me I'm making progress. Six months ago my "grades" would have been lower. A year from now maybe the "happiness grade" won't be "incomplete". Again, this is me talking about me and no one else. I realize everyone's journey and time frame in grief is different. But, every post I make is documenting my journey and I think for that very reason, it's helpful (for me). Absolutely no one here is an "underachiever flunking a grief course". IMO. We are all different people from different backgrounds who have led different lives. We are brought together by an immense loss that has changed our lives forever. Every post I make is done with the intent to help others or sometimes just to talk about my personal journey. Anyway, I hope people understand that what I wrote regarding "grading myself" was only my thoughts on my own journey. I guess I should have added a disclaimer. Sorry, if it was the wrong thing to do.

Just a thought, Ana... Maybe try to be as gentle with yourself as Fred was with you? Hugs.

Ana, the way I look at it, you are honoring him by the immense and undying love you clearly have for him. I don't think it's necessarily a question of "following in his footsteps". It's more of a "living with his essence and his love in your heart" kind of thing, which you obviously do. Of course he would want you to be happy but reaching that goal when you've lost your biggest source of happiness is a monumental task. I sure wish you weren't so hard on yourself but I understand. We all tend to be too hard on ourselves, don't we?

Ana, why do you feel like you aren't honoring Fred very well?

Hoping Butch has a speedy recovery. Sounds like he has a loving and supportive family and that's wonderful.

Another day of loneliness and longing for the life I shared with Tammy. I lay in bed and my thoughts are all over the place. I'll be thinking of some present day issue and then my mind takes me back to something that happened five years ago. In an instant, I'm back to the present and crying that Tammy isn't here. All the while a tv show is on and I'm sort of watching it. That seems to be how my brain works these days. I simply can't seem to concentrate on any one thing for an extended period of time. No matter where my mind goes it always comes back to one simple and horrible fact... My life changed forever on March 6, 2015. Tammy didn't want it to happen. I didn't want it to happen, but it did. Now, I know that no one is truly in control of their destiny. Nothing is for certain in this life. I think about how Tammy courageously dealt with everything bad thrown her way. How she had to struggle for most of her life. And ultimately, she only got 45 years here on earth. It's not only unfair, it's unfathomable. How can I somehow look at the future in a positive way? Believe me, I do want to. I've had moments where I thought I was seeing life from a newfound perspective of hope. Recently though, I've fallen into that deep hole of grief and I seem to be stagnating there to an extent. There is a real ebb and flow to grief. It literally is moment to moment... not just day to day. Some days I'm hopeful, some days not so much. The grief bursts I have today don't last as long as they once did. I have adapted to grief in that sense. You don't get used to it, but you learn to cope. Grief is among other things, a learning experience. It's on the job training so to speak. In that vain, here's my personal "Grief Report Card" so far (graded by me)... Coping ... B Functioning... B- Honoring Tammy... A Finding meaning in this new life... Incomplete Finding happiness... F Trying to help others... A I have a long way to go, but, the simple fact that I'm still here (and trying my best) in a world without sweet Tammy by my side says something positive, I guess.

Cookie, I don't think Kevin used the phrase "pity party" to characterize anyone else's handling of their personal grief journey. I think he was just saying that, in his journey, he's at a place where he looks for the positives. We are all super sensitive right now and written words are often interpreted differently than intended.

Gin, I just received a special truss today and we'll see if it helps. This pain is on and off and fairly excruciating.

Another sad reminder that my life is forever changed. Memorial Day weekend. Another holiday alone. I don't even have the oomph to go outside and fire up the grill. I mean, for myself? Why bother? I actually worked today (need the money badly) and driving home seeing all the happy faces, smelling the burgers on the grill... all of it just emphasizes I don't have much of a life these days. And to add to the misery, I just found out my "stomach pains" are actually from a hernia. Good times.

Brad, that's not quite right. The elderly have the highest rate increase in STD's by age group over the past few years. Must be the blue pill effect. ------------ Steve, I agree with everything you said about this site. I can only imagine how many people in grief it's kept sane over the years. What a Godsend it is.

That doesn't sound selfish or self-absorbed in any way, Maryann. It's just where you are at emotionally in your journey. I actually talk on the phone with a few of the members here from time to time. These are probably the best conversations I have these days. I mean, when Tammy was alive all I needed was to be with her. Now, in this world of emptiness, I have no one in my "real" world that is really interested in me, in any way. Or that cares about the depth of my pain. At least when I talk to people from the forum, I can talk freely and not have to edit myself for fear of the other person not understanding. And it goes both ways; I hope the people I talk to are getting some sense of understanding and help from me in return.

Gwen, your counselors name doesn't happen to be Captain Obvious by any chance? If she says this on your next visit, consider switching: Ok, sorry for kidding about your counselor. Now back to serious talk about loneliness, meaninglessness and emptiness.

Gwen... you actually pay this counselor!!??? Of course Steve is what you want. Tammy is all I want and all I ever wanted. What are we supposed to want? Some new lover? A hot new car to fulfill our every need? Maybe an upgraded refrigerator? The truth is, we can't get our old life back but all of us want it back.

Gwen, check out the new topic title. Loneliness, Emptiness and Meaninglessness I think that's more fitting. I guess I could have re-titled it "This new like sucks more than Monica Lewinsky" but nah...

I don't know if anyone has had a chance to read the article I posted but I found the very last couple lines so poignant... I totally get what she's saying. Even though I started this topic about coping with the loneliness of grief, often times I just want to be alone. I mean, Tammy is who I want to be with, no one else. No amount of company, or conversations or posts at a forum will ever fill the void of losing my Tammy. No one really understands exactly how I feel. After all, I'm the only one who has actually lived my life. Sometimes I just need to be alone in my thoughts no matter how painful they may be. Maybe it isn't really the loneliness of my life that gets to me. Maybe it's just the utter emptiness of it. With Tammy, I had love, I had companionship, I had joy. We fed off each other and made each other better. Life had a purpose, had meaning. Alone, I have 24/7 of longing for the past. I try to be hopeful and think that life will get better, but, over 14 months of Groundhog's Day has shown me this may (sadly) be as good as it gets. Now I'm thinking I might need to re-title this topic "Dealing With The Emptiness" or maybe "Dealing With The Meaninglessness". emp·ti·ness ˈem(p)tēnəs/ noun noun: emptiness 1. the state of containing nothing. 2. the quality of lacking meaning or sincerity; meaninglessness. 3. the quality of having no value or purpose; futility.

Heather, you are strong. This is the most devastating thing that could ever happen. You were with the man you loved for 16 years and had plans for your future and he was suddenly gone from your life. Yet, here you are posting and trying to get a handle on your life without your beloved Keith. That is remarkable. Of course it feels like just going through the motions, it's only been two months, you still are numb. All you can do now is take things a moment at a time and try to surround yourself with people that love and understand you. And most important, be patient and gentle with yourself.

I thought this was a pretty thought provoking and well written article on the loneliness that's so engrained in our "new lives". http://www.opentohope.com/lonely-not-powerful-enough-word-to-describe-widowhood/

Marg, I'm pretty sure you were thinking of Brad. Truth is, us guys are seriously outnumbered here. That's ok, you women are awesome!

Maryann, you type quicker than me! Such a perfect answer. Too bad I can't give you two "likes". Heather, you are so blessed to be surrounded with all that love. One other REALLY important thing. You aren't being selfish in any way. This is the one time in your life you have to do things 100% for you and your own emotional sanity so to speak.

Maryann, so true what you said earlier about joy. Sure, we all have fleeting moments of enjoyment and some smiles from time to time. Maybe even a sense of accomplishment here and there. Those feelings and moments are short lived, though. The reality is, we are living in a world we never wanted and we're in a world of deep pain. And unfortunately, there is no known "cure". Joy... true unadulterated joy, honestly, is something I can't imagine in this new life. Tammy = joy for me. May as well remove the word joy from the "Grieving Soul Mate Dictionary".