mittam99

I want to make something clear about my beliefs. I had no preconceived notion of whether there was or wasn't an afterlife. I wasn't open minded or close minded... I simply had no idea. When I was traveling 800 miles to go to Tammy's funeral and fell asleep and crashed into a concrete barrier (at 70 mph) and there was no damage whatsoever, how can you explain that? Or the ceiling fan that Tammy loved so much that turned itself on when I was getting visibly upset on the phone (talking about Katie being rough on Tammy). Or the other things that felt like it could only be Tammy looking out for me. Gin, I know you said you're looking for confirmation you will be with Al again. And like you said, no one can prove that. To me, it's a matter of believing that the love Tammy and I shared is endless and that for sure she is a part of me, heart, mind and soul. It's about faith. And I don't mean that in a religious sense. You need to have faith that the love you shared with your soul mate is a power to be reckoned with... something that will never die. Without that belief and the peace and comfort that brings, this grief journey would be unimaginably hard. These are just my thoughts and how I feel.

Gin, I've posted many times about my feeling that somehow Tammy is with me. The thing is, it's not that I "feel" her presence per se. It's a combination of things. There have been events that have occurred since Tammy died that can't just be explained away. And, it's the fact that I find it impossible to believe that someone with a life force as strong as Tammy's could simply cease to exist. So, for me, it's as much a mindset and a belief as it is "feeling" her presence, if that makes sense. I can tell you that my belief that Tammy is still here in some fashion has given me a comfort level that has allowed me to advance forward in my grief journey.

That's an easy one there Marg. It's pretty normal to feel discombobulated when you're grieving the loss of the man that you shared your love and nearly your whole life with. I'd be more shocked if you weren't discombobulated!

Marg, all I'd like to do is give you a big hug right now. I don't have the words.

Wow. I'm impressed with your mechanical ability Polly. I know it was out of necessity, but still, it's wonderful that you can do all that. I imagine Rich is giving you two thumbs up from heaven.

"Stretched more ways than plastic man" ... I can only imagine how overwhelmed you must feel these days Marg. You have so much on your plate and to handle all this while you are still deeply grieving the loss of Billy, boggles my mind. I'm so glad you are posting and venting here and you still have your patented sense of humor. Give yourself a pat on the back, that's quite an accomplishment! On another note, and I hope this isn't too personal, just how old is your mom??

Marg, I guess I just don't understand what you mean by "blocking". In my life, Tammy has left physically, but she is with me, heart and soul and with every thought I have and breath I take. Are you "blocking" Billy because the pain is too much to bear? For me, there are some things (events) I try not to dwell on that cause me anguish, but, how can I block the person that was the best part of my life? Tammy gave me more love than all the other people in my entire life, combined. I think we need to feel all the emotions that are tied into the loss of the person we adored. If we don't, can our grief journey truly be healing?

Joyce, that means so much to me, that I've been able to touch your heart. I've read many posts by you that have touched me. We're all in this together! All of us here are hurting and we honestly have no idea where this new life will take us. Often, it feels like we'd rather not even be along for the ride. But, we are here and I feel like we may as well make the best of a very, very difficult situation. When I make a post these days I have a mission. I want my words to help others. If I can ease someone's pain, or give them an idea that sparks something positive in their lives, or gives them comfort, I've accomplished my goal. I know what it feels like to be in that dark place where torture and intense pain live 24/7. Where tears and loneliness are your closest friends. Where all you want to do is sleep because it's easier than facing this new reality. I'll continue to do my best to help those here who are hurting.

I know what you are feeling, Bill. Why bother even going through the motions, right? Life has no meaning now... I don't know if this will help but I was looking at my topic "Dealing With Those Moments" and I found an interesting quote I wrote over a year ago: I know it's hard living a life without the person who made you whole. Who made your heart beat faster. Who shared your world and loved you like no other. And it is very hard to feel like fighting for yourself and your own well being without her by your side. But like I said about Tammy, your beloved Mary Kay would not want you to give up. Just like her life meant everything to you, you know your life meant everything to her.

This all has to be a huge relief to you and your dad, George! Terrific.

Bill, you are very early in your journey, that's understandable. You can ask long time members what they felt when I joined here. Many were concerned that I wasn't going to make it, I was that devastated. At that time, life not only felt empty, it felt futile to even care. Now, a year and two months later I'm still here and coping. It's a long, tearful, gut wrenching journey. I still have a long way to go to feel like my life has a real purpose. But I am trying. I'm able to do push forward because my darling sweet Tammy is in my heart and soul. You may find this topic of interest to you.

Our priorities in life are so completely changed now, aren't they? I believe the procrastinating we do is our minds going into a sort of "self protection" mode. There's only so much our fragile psyche can handle at one time. Too bad our grief journey doesn't come with one of these...

Maryann, I know what you mean but I don't really think it's simple procrastination, per say. And believe me, I've always been a procrastinator. I think it's more to do with the fact that everything in this new life overwhelms. Decisions, major and minor, overwhelm. Back in my life before Tammy died, I procrastinated to an extent out of laziness. It's different now. Now, I put things off because I feel like (emotionally) I can only handle so much at any given time. I'm sort of pacing myself so I don't get too overwhelmed. Does that make sense?

Thanks. One thing you told me a long time ago helped me in my journey. You told me to remember that Tammy will always be with me. And that nothing could ever change that. That was a bit of an epiphany for me.

Ana, grief changes everything. In many ways we are a different person. Lack of focus and concentration are all normal. Things that gave us joy no longer do. It's going to take time to adapt. A lot more time than any of us imagined. You can only do what you can do at any given moment. I have no doubt you have the ability in you to accomplish great things. Hugs.

Do you ever have thoughts in your head that makes a bunch of sense but you don't know how to best explain them to others? Well, that's what I'm going to attempt to post now. Hopefully what I write next will make sense. I was thinking about this grief journey and how incredibly hard it is to function at a level higher than just "existing". We've just lost everything that was precious to us. We've lost pretty much all the love that existed in our lives. In many ways, we've lost our purpose. We've lost our happiness and our joy. We've lost the person in the world we trusted the most. We've lost our sense of belonging. In many cases, we lost our anchor. Many have lost their protector. Their "safety net". The list of losses can go on and on. No wonder this new life feels so empty, meaningless and impossible at times! We can barely cope and can hardly function beyond the basics. The idea of somehow finding happiness and joy seems absurd to many. Yet somehow, a meaningful life has to be our goal. Some days, the pain is so bad, the tears so heavy that we don't have the energy to push forward. Some days (I had one of them yesterday) it feels like we are in a deep hole of grief and there is absolutely no way out. And it would be understandable to say "I can't live like this God, please take me away". We've all had those moments, haven't we? So, how the hell do we ever look at this new life as anything but a horrible and empty shell compared to the rich, full of love lives we once had? That's the dilemma we each face in this grief journey. And, as we all know, there is no easy answer, no quick fix, no handy dandy book that will solve this mystery. It boils down to one day at a time and trying to figure out what works and what doesn't work for you. The truth is, time doesn't heal all wounds. We will always be grieving our loss, til the day we die. That's a given; we've lost our one true soul mate. And as far as I can tell, that's a once in a lifetime experience. This grief journey is painful, horribly lonely and feels meaningless. How do we ever get to a point that we feel like this is a life worth living? Truth #1: This is the only life we get. We have a limited time on earth. There are no do-overs. This is the only life we get. We can spend it feeling nothing but misery or we can try and accomplish things to the best of our ability. That's the goal, but it's a hard one. Truth #2: The last person in the world that would want to see us hurting and in misery is our soul mate. Our beloved would not want us to suffer. That may be cliche but you all know in your heart that it's the truth. Of course, this is way easier said than done because it's that love we feel that makes it hard to go on. But it's something to think about. Truth #3: Change is hard. Our lives have changed forever. We are missing that person that completed us. That made our life feel so much better. But, they've died. And we are left alone and grieving. We have to adapt to this new life and somehow re-invent ourselves to function in a world we never wanted. Again, it's a very very hard task. Truth #4: You learn something new each day (or at least you should). Life is a learning experience and grief is no different. It's a slow process but we have to take each day and see what helps and what doesn't help. It's different for each of us but after a while, you learn what you need to do to get by. Truth #5: We all need a measure of hope in our lives. You gotta have hope. It's pretty simple. If you have no hope, everything feels hopeless. I don't know if this will give any of you hope, but In my journey I feel like I am in a somewhat better place than I was just a few months ago. Sure, the waves come and go but I am functioning better. Don't give up on yourself in your journey! OK, those are just words. Just my thoughts and ideas. There is no "cure" for our grief. It's a 24/7 journey that will take many twist and turns. There will be some hills and some valleys and a bunch of road blocks and detours along the way. My hope is that all of us see some sunshine in this life and the pain we feel becomes lessened in time. And that somehow we find some comfort and peace in our world. Mitch

Thank you Cookie. What you said about my contribution to the site means the world to me. If my words can reach someone or help someone in pain, my day feels so much better.

Today has been a kind of down day for me. Had a couple of intense grief bursts that took my breath away. It's gloomy and cold and rainy here, too. One of those days when it's hard to find any positives and hope seems to be a foreign word that I can't comprehend. One of those days that Tammy would have made "all better" with a smile or a hug. That's all I've got for today. No encouraging, hopeful words of wisdom or uplifting thoughts. Sorry.

Thanks to everyone for their birthday wishes. It meant a lot. I do feel very blessed to have found this group. From day one, the members here (and site owner Marty) reached out and gave me encouragement and support. This place has always been my oasis in this awful and painful new existence. Sherbear, I've always been a believer in giving back if something or someone has helped me. Plus, it just feels good trying your best to help others cope with this difficult life.

Marty, there certainly is truth to that but I know many of us don't feel like we are idealizing or glorifying. In my case, Tammy genuinely was the sweetest and most courageous person I've ever known. Was she perfect? Of course not. We all have faults. We didn't fall in love with each other because we were perfect. We fell in love because we were perfect for each other. Well, as perfect as two perfectly imperfect human beings can be anyway. (Marg, while I was typing this up I see you basically wrote the same thing about you and Billy), Just a little story to illustrate the type of person Tammy was. She was in the hospital and was not doing very well. An older woman (a volunteer) came into our room to ask Tammy how she was and how the hospital was treating her. The woman mentioned that she volunteers because the hospital had helped her husband in the past. I'm sure most patients at that point would list their complaints about the hospital to the volunteer. Instead, Tammy asked the woman about her husband and how he was doing. When the woman told her he had since passed away, Tammy asked the woman to come closer so she could hold her hand. The woman was genuinely touched by this act of kindness from Tammy. Tammy was such a loving soul. I think what happens, is that, when our loved one dies, we are left with time to contemplate what we had and what we've lost. In our lives together, there wasn't really time to stop and reflect about things. Now, we realize, more than ever, how perfect our union really was.

Cookie, of course you're not ready to let go of him and who says you ever have to? Only do what you feel is right in your heart. Please don't ever feel pressured into doing something you're not ready to handle. Hugs. You got it right Marg. We only have one person to answer to in this journey and we see them in the mirror daily.

Cookie, that's the only way I think we can survive in this new life without it feeling like a meaningless, empty shell. Take that love you shared, the courage you saw, the sacrifices that were made, and have that empower you to get through each day. Down the road, it may not just be "getting through the day". Maybe you will even have some glimpses of happiness and a feeling of peace. The person we want to be with isn't here anymore. It wasn't our choice and it wasn't theirs. So here we are, alone. But, in a way, are we really alone if our soul mate lives in our heart forever?

Marg is so right. This forum is a place you can come to for understanding and even some sense of comfort. I remember in the earlier days of my journey when I honestly didn't think I could survive the anguish of losing my Tammy, members here gave me some enlightening words. It helped. And as you can see, I am still here today. Matter of fact, many here now look to me for sage words of wisdom to help them in their struggles. Believe me, the outside world does not understand our loss. Don't get me wrong, they do care but they don't have an inkling of what this feels like. Please continue to post here. Post ANYTHING that you are feeling. You might be pleasantly surprised at the results. Mitch

That plaque says it all, Bill! When you find that perfect person, your soul mate, you have truly found all you need in life. And that's what make our loss so devastating. We had the best. Now we feel broken. It feels like we're going through the motions. Robotic. Repetitive. Our life has been shattered into a million pieces yet somehow we're supposed to find our way..This is one journey that no one wants to take. I want to relate what I told my sister-in-law in a text message earlier today: That love that Tammy gave me (and the courage she showed) truly gives me a measure of strength to endure the overwhelming pain of grief.

Believe me Maryann, I love all my Grief Healing Discussion Group "buddies". This is the best group therapy ever. And the hourly rate is really resonable.