mittam99

I was very happy to open a birthday card just now from daughter Katie. She apologized for not really staying in touch and said she loved me. That did make my day a little brighter, I have to say.

You're right, words are words. But sometimes a kind or encouraging word can be very powerful and even emotionally healing.

I don't know any other way to put it... today sucks. So, what's different today versus all the other miserable, painful, lonely days in L.A.T. (life after Tammy)? Well, for starters, it's another day without my best friend, my confidant, my lover, my soul mate, my perfect wife, my joy... my everything. And... it's my birthday. Now, I will admit it's been a while since my birthday brought a real sense of joy. It's just a "special" day to make note of the fact I'm one year older. I'm also a bit under the weather and it's a chilly, gloomy day here. The only thing that would have made today a good day is having Tammy back. She made every day we spent together so much better. That's the only present I need. Can someone wake me up from this nightmare and let me know it was all just a terribly bad dream? On a somewhat better note, my sisters took me out to dinner Sunday for a Mother's Day/Mitch's Birthday celebration. It was very nice but it's still painfully hard sitting in that chair as widower Mitch and not having my Tammy by my side.

That is incredibly fantastic news Butch!!

Marg, it's not like you're going to feel like he is with you 24/7, following wherever you go. He may just have some other things to take care of from time to time. Seriously though, I've had a number of things happen that allows me to feel that Tammy is still in my life somehow. Those things that happened have given me some comfort in this journey. But, it's not like I feel Tammy's presence, exactly. I just have a sense that she is still helping me and showing me love. This whole thing is way beyond the comprehension of any of us.

Ana, believe me I understand. I loved cooking meals for Tammy and sometimes they were pretty elaborate. It gave me so much pleasure knowing my food made her happy. Now, it's just open the fridge, look for something easy, and call it a day. Food used to bring pleasure, now it's just something you need to do. And really isn't that pretty much how everything feels in this new life? Nothing feels as good as it did. The same music that gave us comfort, now brings tears. TV shows we used to watch with our beloved seem almost unwatchable. The hobbies we used to enjoy don't have the same meaning. Finding pleasure is a near impossible task. But this life we're living is our new reality and somehow we need to find something that gives us enjoyment. All of us are a long way from reaching that lofty goal. I'm functioning better than I was. I've adapted to this new life in some ways. But functioning and adapting are a far cry from pleasure and enjoyment. It all goes back to just taking things moment to moment. Maybe when we aren't even looking for it, that spark of hope and even some sense of happiness will find it's way into our lives. ----------------------------------------------------------- On a lighter note, these are for you Gwen.

Ana, that's totally understandable, but please take care of yourself, ok? I know your boyfriend's not here and life isn't the same. I'm sure you have days you just don't care about this life... But, you are still here and you are a good person. Get some rest and feel better!

Here's hoping all our Grief Healing Discussion Group's mom's have a good day (as good as possible). To those of us whose mothers have passed on some time ago, today is a day of reflection. And to those who have recently lost their mothers, sincere condolences.

Awesome news on Gracie's continuing weight gain. Glad she has a good appetite! Looks like she may have been caught mid-yawn in that picture. Looking so cute. Happy Mother's Day indeed.

Ana, if you're feeling ill, the best thing you can do is try to rest and take care of your body. You need your health and your strength in this journey none of us want to be on. Hugs.

Noah in the 21st Century If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this: And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices. Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls. The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending. Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe. Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard. The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'. And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years." Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

Joyce, I've moved around some stuff and put some things in closets (like medical) and in drawers. But, beyond that everything is where it was. I haven't touched Tammy's clothes or her huge collection of pocketbooks purses (Tammy always got on my case for calling them pocketbooks ). I had just bought her a brand new laptop and a tablet a few months before she died and I haven't touched them. She had just gotten a new phone and it sits on her nightstand. It's so painful knowing that I redid our living room to include this really awesome and beautiful craft center/sewing table setup and Tammy never got a chance to use it. You may remember, it took me a year to finally move the plates I used for our lunch on March 6th, 2015. Our life was changed forever when our perfect soul mate died and these little changes are another painful reminder of our loss.

English can be a tough language for those who don't speak it natively. Here are some actual signs found throughout the world where the translation to English didn't quite work out... An Italian hotel brochure:
 This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude. Sign at a French swimming pool:
 Swimming is forbidden in absence of the Saviour.

 On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
 Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
 Ladies may have a fit upstairs. 

Outside a Paris dress shop:
 Dresses for street walking.

 In a Rhodes tailor shop:
 Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

 In a Japanese hotel:
 You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
 The lift is being fixed for the next day. During the time we regret that you will be unbearable. French hotel:
 A sports jacket may be worn to dinner, but no trousers. Sign in hotel lift In China: Please bump your head carefully. Shanghai metro from the public security bureau: "If you are stolen, call the police at once." In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. 

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. 

In a Rome laundry:
 Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

 In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
 Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

 In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. 

In the office of a Roman doctor:
 Specialist in women and other diseases. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

 Bangkok Dry Cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results. Those places need better translators!

Like you said Marg, our life before we lost our soul mate was filled with responsibilites, too. It's one of the "not-fun" parts of life. What's so different now is we don't have that special person by our side to help us, to hear about our problems (regarding those responsibilities) and to make us feel better. Combine that with the fact we sometimes aren't even sure we want to be here and every annoyance is magnified. Comfort in this new life is a hard commodity to come by.

I wasn't sure where to add this. I just came across these beautiful wedding vows that were written in the 12th century by the German writer, Frau Ava. This sums up the term "soul mate" to perfection... Groom In your eyes, I have found my home. In your heart, I have found my love. In your soul, I have found my mate. With you, I am whole, full, alive. You make me laugh. You let me cry. You are my breath, my every heartbeat. I am yours. You are mine. Of this we are certain. You are lodged in my heart. The small key is lost. You must stay there forever. Bride You are my inspiration and my soul's fire. You are the magic of my days. You help me laugh, you teach me love. You provide a safe place for me, unlike I've ever known. You free me to sing my own song. You are more of an amazement to me, each day I rediscover you. You are my greatest boon. I am yours. You are mine. Of this we are certain. You are lodged in my heart. The small key is lost. You must stay there forever

Marg, all our questions, all the torment, all the doubts are all coming from the same place. A place of unending love.

First of all my condolences on the reason that brought you here. That is so horrific. I am so sorry you lost your precious husband. As to the grief counseling, it is generally a good idea. You've just had a traumatic, life altering event. You need all the help and emotional support you can get and being with a professional one on one is a good start. This grief journey is hard and I hope you continue to post here. We're all dealing with the trauma of losing a loved one and we're all here for each other.

Dear Marg Mary Sunshine, We all have the woulda coulda shoulda syndrome. And the what-if's and but-only's. And the maybe's. And the self-doubts. And the guilt. So many questions play in our minds over and over. All because we miss them so and we want answers! Why isn't our loved one here? Was I somehow to blame? I think we all know we'd never do anything intentionally to cause them harm. We just want and need them back. Nothing in this journey is easy is it? On a side note, Katie used to refer to me as "sweet daddy sunshine" when she was little. I loved that.

It's interesting that you said that Gwen. I was just thinking about that earlier today. Every time I move something of Tammy's it's very emotional for me. Do I need to leave her toothbrush there because she somehow still uses it? Does my brain think this is all some awful dream and I'll wake up and realize this was all a bad nightmare? Moving Tammy's things and especially tossing her stuff out is a painful exercise in ambivalence. But, there's another more practical reason I need to keep most of Tammy's things here. Let's call it character or personality. Before I met Tammy I was a bachelor and my house looked the part. Not that it looked like a man cave, just that it had a masculine look. When Tammy moved to live with me in Maryland, she brought many of her nick-nacks and some of her furniture from her apartment in Illinois. She loved country style and things like frogs and her precious moments sculptures and sock monkeys and her crosstitch. That stuff really wasn't my thing but over the years I began to appreciate all of it. I realize now when I put some of those things in a closet the house loses some of it's charm and personality. It feels too pristine and sterile. I loved everything that Tammy brought to my life, to my world. Being surrounded by her stuff makes me feel like her personality and her personal touches live on.

Ana that quote is, of course, very true. There's nothing about this new life we have that is easy. Our beloved is no longer with us physically. Sure, we can touch the clothes they wore or put our head on their pillow or spray their cologne or perfume. We can look at photographs... but... as we know, that's not nearly the same. On the other hand, that intense love we shared, and that wonderful bond that made us a couple will always be inside of us. And for me, it's that intense love Tammy and I shared that allows me to live in this new world and have some moments of comfort. The hard part is being able to harness all that love and use it in a motivating way. It's hard to feel motivated when all your thoughts and memories bring tears to your eyes and knots to your stomach. Maybe what I'm saying isn't ringing true for you right now. You may not be at the point in your journey to do this. I'm sure some people think "that's all well and good for you Mitch, but I'm not feeling it". And that's ok. We all go about this journey at our own pace. To the beat of our own inner drummer. I'm only saying that, for me, this is the way I've been able survive and to function.

My deepest condolences on your loss.

Thanks for everyone's kind words who have posted. I just wanted to reply to a couple of quotes and then a final thought (I've been thinking of the best way to put it into words since early this morning). Marita, thank you for saying that. You have no idea how much that means to me and how important those words are to me. I know you're struggling right now. Please keep posting at the forum and we will try our best to help. Thanks Gwen. Tammy was a joy to me in every way. Early on in our relationship, we both knew we were made for each other. We always had fun. We were like two kids in a candy shop, just living the life. When her illness started to get bad (in 2007), I realized how incredibly courageous Tammy was. I've never seen anyone handle such adversity with so much grace. Tammy tried not to let her illness consume her or change her happy go lucky spirit. Sepsis, a cardiac arrest, serious kidney infections, lung surgery, hemorrhaging, blackouts on and on. A different person might have found it easier to just give up. But that wasn't who Tammy was. She wore her battle scars with pride. When she survived when they didn't expect it, well, that was just another notch in her belt. And I have to admit, my positive, encouraging spirit helped Tammy get through those difficult moments. Tammy always knew I'd be there at all times, giving her all the support and love I could. Being her champion when she couldn't speak for herself. We did have a love for the ages and we were a perfect team and better together. -------------------------------------------------------- A final thought... My grief journey, like all of ours has had many ebbs and flows. I'm at a point now where I believe my journey can help others who are in pain. I know from first hand experience how painful this all is. Those memories of our beloved can hurt so bad. Knowing that the person who made your life complete, is gone. It's normal to question why you even bother trying to move forward. The reality is sometimes it does feel like a bleak world of nothing. Nothing but hopelessness. And yes, it would be easier to just "give up". But you know what? Your loved one that died, the one who made you feel like life was worth living, they can serve as your inspiration in life now. How horrible would it be if those memories of your love only brought sadness and tears? Let's not make the legacy of our loved ones our new world of pain and misery. Let's remember them and all that love and all their courage and use that as energy to propel us forward and to give us hope.

Today is exactly 14 months since my precious Tammy died. And it's a Friday just like it was on March 6, 2015. This is not easy. So much has changed yet so much is still the same. My love for Tammy is unchanged. Many things in our house are unchanged. But life doesn't feel the same in any way. It doesn't feel the same when I come home from work. That used to be the greatest feeling. Knowing I would get to be with my sweet Tammy after a hard day at work. Now it's just me, myself and I trying to figure out a way to stay motivated once I'm home. Cooking food is now a chore and no longer the pleasure it was when I would see Tammy's face light up when she ate one of the meals I made her. Laying in bed and rolling over towards Tammy's side no longer means I can reach out and snuggle her or tickle her or touch her. I miss the softness of her skin. Now I just see two pillows and an empty space (unless you count my phone and the remotes laying there). Watching TV now is mostly just background noise or the occasional distraction when I actually do watch it. I miss watching the old classic movies on TCM that Tammy and I loved so much. Heck, I even miss watching some of the shows that Tammy got me hooked on like the Housewives and Project Runway and Y&R. We loved all the cooking shows like Chopped and Top Chef and Cutthroat Kitchen. I can't watch any of them now. I feel so sad that I've found some great shows on Netflix to watch but Tammy can't enjoy them with me. We used to love our date nights at restaurants. Now, I can't even imagine eating at one alone. I miss the intimacy of being with that special person that you can share any thought with no matter how silly it may be. I miss Tammy's incredible laugh and her soft, sweet soothing voice that was filled with love. Everyday, in every way, I miss my Tammy. Yes, we had many, many challenges. Money (well lack of it) was a major issue. Tammy's poor health was something we dealt with daily. Katie was not an easy child in any way. But, at the end of the day we knew we had it better that most because we were together. Because we had a love that few had ever experienced. We knew we were soul mates; two people could never be a more perfect fit. It's cliche, but we were made for each other. That I'm even functioning at the level I am these days is a testament to the power of our love. In my life with Tammy, my goal was to be her knight in shining armor. Hers was to be my perfect wife, a goal she definitely succeeded at. In this new life, it would be easy to just give up. After all it's not the life I wanted or the life I had before. Many days it feels like not much of a life at all. But Tammy never gave up in the face of overwhelming odds. She faced every day with courage and grace and humor. And I choose to live my life in the same way. How could I not? Tammy and I always inspired each other in life and though she physically isn't here with me she will always be the best part of me. My Tammy. My angel. My inspiration.

Joyce, I don't know if we ever get used to it. It's more of a realization that it's not the same life we had and somehow we have to adapt our outlook to it. Easier said then done of course and each of us will take a different path to get there. "Whatever works for you" needs to be the mantra in grief.

The past couple of days have been horrible. Not really related to grief, yet, as all things do in this new life my grief affected my reactions to events. I've run a number of websites over the years. My longest running one has been online since 2002. Well the other night I couldn't sleep so I fired up my tablet and checked out that site. To my dismay, the page couldn't be displayed because "the domain expired". Basically it means the site is gone. I was in shock and immediately contacted the company I pay to host the site. They were non-responsive. The customer service phone number had been disconnected. So essentially my host went belly up and never told/warned me. Before Tammy died, I would have gone ballistic and my heart would be racing. Fourteen years of work deleted without my knowledge! But you know what? At this point, in the scheme of things, I'm taking it in stride. This is minor compared to the important things I've lost in my life. Things like love and the companionship of my perfect soul mate. Still, I am angry. Then today, after my work shift, I find my car blocked in by a contractors truck. I get ahold of the truck driver who was off in another part of the parking lot, working on replacing some cement. Anyway, after we get past the language barrier issue, he moves the truck and you'd think the story ends, right? Well, as I'm getting in my car to leave, I notice the entire car is covered in some sort of powder. Clearly it was from this construction crew. I'm not happy but I leave and go home. Two minutes into my drive it starts raining, so I put my wipers on to the "mist" setting. Then things get crazy. I realize that this white powder all over my paint and windshield is cement powder. You can actually see it thickening up on my windshield. So, I start driving at ultra-illegal speeds in an effort to get home before my car is encased in cement. Thankfully after a lot of hard work (people must have thought I was crazy washing and detailing my car in the rain) it's pretty much ok. So that incident was bad enough. But I don't have my Tammy here with me to talk things out. I really needed a hug after that. Maybe even a glass or two of wine! This all made me think about something that happened in 2010. I was driving home from work and my car was t-boned by a guy going about 60mph in a 40mph zone. My car was totaled but luckily I was able to walk away from the accident with only minor aches and pains. Matter of fact, this happened a mile from our house and I was able to walk home. So, in the house I go and I'm telling Tammy the story. At first she thought I was kidding because I was so cool and calm about it. Even making jokes. She kind of expected me to be upset and maybe even crying (the car was "my baby" and I sunk over $10,000 into customizing it). But, as I explained to her, I realized walking home that, the car was just a car. I mean, I was shaken up, but I was physically ok. And when I walked into the bedroom and saw Tammy, I realized that she was all that really mattered to me. And that's what's so hard about this new life. Tammy was all that mattered to me. She was my world, was my life, my source of unconditional love. She was truly the best part of me. Sometimes it's hard to fathom how I've survived these 14 months. But somehow I have. Tammy always said "Mitch, you are capable of anything if you put your mind to it". Tammy had a lot of faith in me. I was so blessed to have this amazing woman as my wife. And I do draw strength from what we had together. Even when my energy and reserves are low I'm able to push forward because Tammy (and her love) is always motivating me. And always will.