mittam99

Kat... Whatever gives you a measure of comfort or takes your mind to a less sad place is a welcome thing. If the sound of other's socializing helps you and makes your day go better, that's wonderful. None of us are going to take giant leaps into happiness. It's these little moments that help along the way. Mitch

http://www.stephaniesabar.com/uploads/-4__Levels_of_Loss.pdf I think this is the one.

Maryann, Mark's love and encouragement and your experiences together will influence your life forever. And that's a good thing. It's wonderful to hear that you're finding a positive and creative outlet like that.

During Tammy's many years of being ill, maintaining our house fell way to the bottom of our priority list. Money for Tammy's healthcare and meds always came first. And money for food and clothing and gas and Katie's school related items and bills and incidentals... on and on. Now, I look around (I've got a lot of time now to do that) and realize much of our house needs "sprucing up". So I'm doing many mini-projects. Trimming overgrown bushes, painting trim. fixing damaged window screens, shining up all the dull brass inside and outside and more. It keeps me busy and gives me a sense of accomplishment. I guess it also shows that I'm trying to live a life with some sort of purpose. Of course, I'm not really sure what that purpose is yet. A few months ago doing projects like this would have brought sadness and pain to my mind. "Why isn't Tammy here to see how nice this looks?" Or, "I feel guilty for having a few extra dollars for a project like this." Or, "I wish Tammy was here so I could tell her about it". While I still have those same feelings, I also have a bit of a smile on my face knowing she would have been happy with my effort and the results. I think what I'm trying to say to those in the early stages of grief is that we do evolve over time. It's not that things ever get easy again, our old life is gone, after all. The person we wanted to share our life with, is gone. But we do learn to adapt somehow. Will we ever be as happy as we were? No. But, I believe there is life after the death of our spouse. A few months ago, I don't think I could have typed that.

Gin, you've done the biggest accomplishment of them all. You're here. I know there are times you feel like you'd rather not be here but you are only 6 months in. Don't be so hard on yourself. This new world is hard. We're living in a world without the intimacy, the laughter, the love, the sharing etc. that once filled our days. No one is going to accomplish very much after just six short months. I'm nearly a year and a month into my journey. It's baby steps, but I do feel like the fog is less dense than it was 6 months ago. I feel like I'm accomplishing a bit more. It takes a lot of time to adapt to this new way of life. Keep posting at the forum and members here will try to make your journey a little easier. Mitch

We've all have dealt with people on our grief journey that just don't get what we're going through. These words truly explain the futility of trying to get through to them:

I'm so sorry about your little guinea pig, Pippin. That had to be so awful coming home to see what you did. Don't let those people who say "get over it", get to you. They are insensitive and clueless.

Marty, thanks for the kind words. Posting my thoughts is important for my own sanity. What's left of it anyway. It's also a wonderful thing if anything I write can ease someone else's pain or help in some small way, You have a phenomenal community here. From what I've seen, the best grief based forum anywhere online. There are also some absolutely amazing members. A few of which I am proud to call friends.

I was crying while I was typing it up, I'm surprised I had no typos. I know it's hard to look at this new life of grief as being a blessing, but it is. We can take each day and accomplish as much or as little as we want. We can breathe the fresh, crisp Spring air and feel the warmth of the sunny skies. Yet, at the same time, it often feels cold and dark in our world. It is hard. This isn't the same life we had not too long ago and we aren't the same person in many ways. Given the choice, none of us would be here, Our loved ones were taken from us way too early. But, here we are and we're still alive. It's just hard to get motivated when the one thing in your life that truly made you happy is gone. That's the challenge of this new life. Finding your way and to an extent redefining yourself and your goals for the future. Having said all that, all we can do is wake up and face the day the best we can. Simple, right? As if.

We had dinner dates, late night dates and often, lunch dates. Just being in the car with each other was special. As Tammy's health deteriorated, those dates got to be less frequent. After Tammy's last appointment at her rheumatologist, we planned to go to a restaurant. Sadly, halfway there, she became too sick to go. We drove home and never went to a restaurant again. We were such a good team, Tammy and me. She made it out of the hospital in February and into rehab. She made it home on March 4th. Tammy wanted to get better, we both thought she would. We had so much more of our life story to write. And less than two days later, my perfect wife, my everything, my sweet Tammy was gone. I'm so sad.

Gwen, I know exactly what you mean. It's so hard to go from sharing everything with the person you chose to spend your life with to this lonely, irrelevant existence. I've always been a funny guy and I loved making Tammy laugh. I still have the same funny thoughts but now I don't hear Tammy's one of a kind, contagious laugh. I can't tell her about my crazy day at work or cook a meal that makes her smile. There are no intimate moments anymore. No more squishy hugs. No doubt about it, this new life is so ridiculously hard. But, it's the only life we have. And we need to understand that as awful as things may seem, life is a blessing.

I made a small donation recently. Sorry I couldn't afford larger one. This site is an excellent source for those in grief and it's important we help keep it online.

Good news for a change. Awesome! Keep up the good work, Gracie!

Have any of you experienced this type of guilt? ... I've posted many times about feelings of guilt related to Tammy's death. This post will be about guilt of another sort. About a week ago I was doing some chores and found myself whistling. And I started to feel guilty. Why? Tammy always loved when I whistled. She said I seemed like a happy little boy when I did. Uh oh, does this mean, I'm happy? I started feeling guilty for the whistling and stopped. Tammy loved to buy things. Shopping made her happy. On the other hand, I was a bit more practical. I knew we needed to cut back on the shopping sprees when Tammy lost her job due to illness. And there were times I had to ask Tammy to curtail the online shopping a bit. Fast forward to my life today. I don't like shopping, never did. But, if I need something, I click on EBay or go to Amazon and have it delivered to my door. I've ordered everything from shoes and clothes to my recent purchase of an electric pole saw. And I feel so guilty! Do I feel guilty because I'm here and Tammy's not? Do I feel that I don't deserve any pleasure in this new life? Why do we torture ourselves like this? Is it just me?

Marg, Kay is right when she talked about standing up for yourself and finding your voice. When our soul mate dies, I believe we incorporate some of our lost love's persona into our own. And that's a very good thing. That "meanness" you talk about is Billy's backbone inside of you! He will always be a part of you.

Some words of truth and wisdom for us on this journey of grief

You and all the rest of us, Marg. Grief will do that.

I know we all replay those last days, last hours and last moments in our heads, over and over. I certainly do. My emotions say I failed Tammy, that I should have known and recognized the signs. I should have done things differently. I made "mistakes". Emotionally, I think we are all way too hard on ourselves. We're not doctors; we're not God. We are just human beings that were madly in love with our soul mate. We're looking for answers as to why our beloved died so tragically. Maybe looking for someone to blame; be it the doctors, God, fate, and in many cases ourselves. Emotions run high and often cloud our logical side. This happens to me often. When my emotions calm, I start thinking things out with a clear head... Fact #1: I'd NEVER want anything bad to happen to Tammy. She was all I had and all that made me happy. Fact #2: During Tammy's last days and on March 6th, I made decisions to the best of my ability based on the knowledge I had and based on the fact that I only wanted Tammy to be okay and to be with me forever. Fact #3: No matter how much we think we are in control and have a handle on things, the truth is, much in life is absolutely beyond our control. Still though, it's easier said than done and in grief our emotional side often wins out over our logical one. Grief is so hard. The struggles are many. Unfortunately, none of it will bring our loved ones back. March 6th was the worst day of my life but I can't let it define my life with Tammy. We had an amazing love story.

Not doing well right now. I'm overwhelmed and waves of confusion and guilt are flowing through me. I just read about Patty Duke and that she died of sepsis. The day Tammy died, she was super tired all day and seemed to not be herself... she seemed confused. I thought it was the new narcotic pain med she just took. My brother in law the doctor thought the same. Then, suddenly Tammy started to get the sweats and my first though was... "No, this can't be". She had had sepsis before and this was one of the symptoms. Tammy was very uncomfortable but still saying she was just very tired. Then, it all went bad quickly... she was having trouble breathing and by the time the ambulance came it was too late. Tammy had so many medical conditions going on. Her lupus, the raynaud's. the sjogrens. The new blood clots in her legs, Her kidneys weren't in great shape on and on. Tammy was always the one who knew her body. If she needed to go to the ER she'd tell me. Why didn't I see all these symptoms as more than just confusion or fatigue? If she got to the hospital earlier would it have made a difference? I know it's hindsight but this is tearing me up inside.

We all have experienced those soul crushing grief triggers. Something we see, hear, smell or just a random thought that brings us to our knees. I came across some words online that I found very interesting regarding those triggers. Basically the writer was saying that to heal, we need to experience those triggers. And instead of feeling anxious or dreading the thought of them, embrace them, learn from them and heal from them. Mitch "Grief triggers can be crushing and it’s okay to let them knock us down. It’s okay to occasionally walk backwards and let those emotions wash over us. It’s important we experience them fully and not push them away. But if we do our work and positively express our suffering, they can’t keep us down. They can’t win. As we move forward in our journey it’s possible to know that death did not take all when it took our loved ones bodies. Death can never take their spirit, their life force. It can’t have our memories or our love; only life gets those. Death is not as powerful as it thinks it is, if we don’t let it be. Healing triggers happen when those same sights, scents and sounds that once knocked us down, now lift us up because they’re a reminder of our living, breathing, laughing, loved ones. By using our time wisely we can transition from grief triggers to healing triggers. In embracing those healing memories ... we can find our smile. For our loved ones to have died, it meant they had to have lived first. If we focus on their living, and let go of their dying, we can heal; we can smile and find meaning again. Look for your healing triggers, they're everywhere."

Speaking of triggers... This was one of the more unusual ones, I've had. A little background first. As you may know from my posts, I don't like change. I have a very difficult time "letting go" of anything that belonged to Tammy. It feels like those things are the last remnants of my old life. So, Tammy's toothbrush still sits in the toothbrush holder. Yesterday morning, I was brushing my teeth and the brush seemed different. Halfway through brushing, I realized it was Tammy's toothbrush. Now, back in the day, I would have reacted by apologizing to Tammy for using her brush and then rinsing my germs off. Yesterday though, I felt bad for another reason. It may seem weird (probably is) but I was upset that I somehow "disturbed" something of Tammy's. The last time she used it was on the day she died (or possibly the night before). It's as though I feel like it's not really Tammy's brush anymore and I've ruined something. I realize how dumb that all probably sounds ... Grief does weird things.

Bill so sorry things are hitting you so hard today. You're only two months into life without your beloved. Unfortunately, those waves will hit and at the most "inopportune" times. The trigger can be virtually anything that stirs a memory of you and your lady. Sights, sounds, smells, a random thought, etc... This won't make it easier but it's truth... This grief journey will be the most emotional and difficult thing you'll ever experience. I'm over a year into my journey and I still have those triggers. It's also a learning experience. We're learning how to live in a world not of our choice. All you can do is take it one day at a time. Draw strength from your beloved to get through this. No one can ever take away her love and those moments you shared. I know it's a painful, agonizing time and it's hard to see how you will ever be happy again. It's not easy. Keep posting here and we'll do our best to help you through the challenge of grief. I hope you find some comfort. Mitch

Maryann... I know it's a very hard day and it doesn't feel like anything really special anymore. I hope the next year brings you some measure of comfort. Mitch

Gwen, let's face it, we're going to be conflicted by virtually every change we make. It really boils down to doing what is best for you. If that bed is making it uncomfortable for you and it's exacerbating your arthritis, then you're doing what you need to do. A bed is a major change that can certainly cause all sorts of grief triggers. Steve would be proud of you and smiling seeing you incorporate his skills (in this case negotiating a price) into your life. This is all new territory for all of us. Each step we take big and small, is a challenge. It seems to me though, each of these challenges helps us grow and adapt to this life we didn't choose. Mitch

Thanks for saying that Marty. She had the most amazing smile and her laugh was contagious (in a good way!). Thanks Ana. I am seeing my life in a somewhat more positive light but it's still baby steps. When I was changing my profile pic and looking through some pictures of Tammy, I started crying so hard and was drooling like a baby. Probably not a pretty sight. I look at those pictures and wonder how I got so lucky and then wonder why she's not here. Of course, a few months ago those moments lasted longer and were more frequent. I seem to be able to bounce back quicker now.