Clematis

I've been over at my dad's house sorting through more of his things. I really wonder if this will ever end. Some of it is getting easier now, but overall it's still overwhelming and I get stuck in things and am totally stymied. My credit union in Flagstaff is doing a special collection of warm items for people who don't have enough clothing to stay warm in the winter. I thought I'd go through what is left in my dad's closet and although did find some things to take to the credit union, I found it was harder than I thought it would be. Maybe that's why I put it off. It is now a year exactly a year since my dad went so abruptly downhill and we both saw the writing on the wall that he was not going to be able to keep living at home because he could hardly walk, was incontinent, could not transfer himself, and so on. He was adamant that he did not want to continue if he couldn't stay at home and I tried SO hard to keep him going so that he could stay at home. A year ago he was at the nursing facility where I now take Lena - for five days respite - so I could figure out how to get some help so he could stay at home. I tried so hard but it was so futile and he was so weak it was just awful. So here I was a year later going through the things on the shelf of his coat closet - things he hadn't worn since he moved to AZ because it didn't get cold enough. Leather gloves, cashmere scarves my mother bought for him, wool ascot hats, angora lined leather gloves... I remember him as a strong man out shoveling the snow, walking home from the train station, shoveling more snow and wearing those things. He was so strong and had enough energy for several people. I put my hands in those gloves and it is like looking at his hands. Time is such a strange thing. Sometimes it seems like he was alive last week and sometimes it seems like it has been ten years. But whatever it's been it's still hard to believe that he's gone and he's never coming back. Except I can hear him talking to me, telling me that he's not really gone and he'll never leave me. Going through his hats, scarves, and gloves I kept wondering how crazy I really am to feel as I do, but I kept hearing him tell me that I should just do what I want..."Get rid of all of it if you want" and "If you want it you should keep it". I just want to see his hands in those angora-lined leather gloves, ready to go shovel the snow...

The cookies look great! How is Arlie doing? Did he get better? Hope so!

Lena has a pink fleece Pajamagram that matches one my dad bought me for Christmas a few years ago at Christmas. Being a cat she doesn't like wearing this sort of thing, but she is willing to put them on long enough for me to take a picture. Then I can content myself with looking at the picture. Two seconds after I took this picture she made it clear she was about to shred it with her back feet if I didn't promptly remove it. I complied. Lena's the boss!

Thank you! And I am so happy you are enjoying your painting!

My dad had a fabulous rosebush behind his house, which I am now saying goodbye to via a short sale. I loved those roses and am hoping to have more of them someday because a botanist was so kind to me and propagated some plants from cuttings for me. Meanwhile, the bush put forth a few last blossoms before the depths of winter and I have been painting the last few blooms, keeping them in the refrigerator while not painting them, to keep them from opening too fast. I did this a few days ago...

I think that's really cool, Patty. Lots of people have wakeful dreaming of one kind or another, but transforming those visions into art is really magical.

Why wait for Christmas! She is now snug in her Mickey Mouse dome by the tree...

I know what you mean - sometimes people just can't stay at home because they aren't safe without more help than there is at home. The staff in these places try very hard and many people have frequent visitors, but even those with frequent visitors are mostly with staff and other residents. It is really sad that some people get no visitors at all - or this woman who does get frequent visits but is isolated by her not knowing English. I am doing what I hope someone would do for me if I were in her situation. I think it is really hard for family members who have someone in a facility who is really no longer themselves and who doesn't recognize their family and close friends. My father was in the same place where the Turkish lady is - placed there by hospice for 5 days respite for me. I visited him two or three times a day, and Lena came with me at least once a day. The other residents were always so happy to see her and that is why I decided to return there with Lena. I found it was hard to see him there and it would have been even worse if he didn't recognize me. He was just counting the days until I got him out of there and there were only five of them... It would have been hard to have him there declining for a long time. My dad and I both dreaded the possibility of him being in a facility longterm. I would give anything now to be able to drive across town to see him, no matter what condition he was in. But it wasn't what he wanted. I guess he got what he wanted - to live at home as long as possible. I just wish it had been longer...

Something really cool happened. I have been studying Turkish because Lena and I met a woman at a nursing home where she visits; this lady is very old - in her 90's - and speaks Turkish only. They take good care of her and she seems ok, but I think it must be hard to be isolated in that way and so I have been studying Turkish so that I can speak with her. She was so excited when I first said her name and "hello" in Turkish! Every week I know a few more words and it has been a lot of fun. So tonight I went out to dinner with my friend Adrienne and her parents, sister, spouse and sister; we were celebrating the birthdays of Adrienne and her sister and having a nice time. Then we sat down at a large table to eat and discovered our waiter was from Turkey. I was very excited and said a few things to him in Turkish. He was very surprised and thought I must have picked up a few words from a trip to Turkey. He asked me where in Turkey I might have traveled and I said, oh no, no, I have never been to Turkey and explained that I was learning Turkish so that I could communicate with this woman whom my therapy cat and I had met. He asked was this nursing home in such & such town and I said yes! Turns out that this woman is the mother of his wife's best friend, and he was delighted that someone (me) had met her, befriended her and endeavored to learn Turkish to talk to her. We chatted throughout the meal, my doing my best to use what words & phrases I knew, and him helping me with grammar and pronunciation. When we finished the meal, he came out and presented us with an elegant and generous dessert, explaining that in Turkish there was a saying about giving sweets to a person who had done a sweet thing, and so he was giving us this dessert because I had shown kindness to the mother of his wife's best friend. It was so nice and I was so excited to meet someone who knows her. The staff cannot tell me anything due to confidentiality reasons, but I would love to know more about her. And her dementia is so progressed that she is not able to tell her family that I visit her. So I gave the waiter my card with my contact info and the time I visit her so that we might perhaps go get together around a visit to her. How cool would that be! Later, in response to a question from me, he explained how there is a tiny community of about 15 Turkish people in this area, including this woman, who all are close to each other and have a get-together every Sunday that lasts from breakfast into lunch at someone else's home every week. He also told the story of how he was the first in this area and the resort where he worked had helped him to get an internship in hotel & restaurant management, one thing and then another, leading eventually to him getting a green card and bring over friends and relatives over a period of several years. It was a wonderful story and just one of those things that just makes everybody feel good. And I was really happy to be able to make a connection to her people since she is not able to do that due to her dementia. Hopefully I will see them out there or hear from them soon.

Lena crawled inside this little Mickey Mouse igloo in PetSmart, and refused to come out. We were looking around to see if they had something she'd like for a Christmas present. I guess that was a pretty clear message of what she wanted, but I thought it was too expensive. I went back today and they give me a nice discount..they love Lena. They have dogs visiting all the time, but seldom cats - other than Lena!

Kay - I'm so sorry to hear about Arlie and the chocolate - that's awful. I sure hope he gets better and is ok! I agree with you about Christmas - having our fuzballs with us is more important.

I think you're right, Kay. I really miss him, even though I feel him around me. Things have been so hectic with all kinds of pressing commitments, but now Christmas is pressing upon me and it feels so cold and lonely and meaningless. Even though we didn't do much special the ten Christmases he was out here in AZ with me, we were always together and I guess that's what the special thing about the holidays is all about anyway. But now Lena and I are alone without him...

Everything fell apart with my helper and I am back to working on my dad's house alone. Not only did it fall apart but I ended up feeling hurt and betrayed by how that all transpired. I haven't been hearing my dad talk to me as much as I did at one time, but when all of that happened last weekend, suddenly he was right back at my side and I could hear him talking to me quite clearly again and frequently. I sure miss him, but it's nice to know he is still watching over me.

That is just hysterical!!!

Lena is such a good and amazing cat! I was on the phone earlier, on a long call with a parent - trying to do everything humanly possible to give her information help her child. Partway through this, I was walking around talking on the phone and Lena was under my feet trying to tell me something. At first it was little mews and then she got more intense as I walked. Eventually I walked near the bathroom and she intensified her efforts. I looked around the bathroom to see what she was talking about and realized that I had changed her litter box earlier and returned it backwards, so the opening to the covered box faced the wall. There was no way she could get in there! I fixed it up right away and she hustled in there. I felt terrible about causing her distress, even a little! I suppose we all have times sometimes when we have to hold it and are uncomfortable. But what a cat! One time I returned the box and forgot to put the litter in - it was like that overnight. I felt like a horrible human, but Lena used the box anyway. She really is amazing; I am so fortunate!

Thank you. I have always tried to make whatever corner of the world in which I find myself a better place just by being there and using whatever abilities I have to do it. I figure that's what we should all do. It doesn't always happen like that, but it makes me feel good to contribute what I can.

Lena is such an amazing therapy cat -I can't even begin to understand how she does what she does. Today Lena was visiting a woman who was in her last hours of life. The woman was in considerable distress, and the pain medication wasn’t adequate. She was moaning, crying out and even screaming. Some of the staff and residents were rattled, but Lena snuggled up to this life-long cat lover and didn't budge. I sat with them at the bedside, guiding the woman's hand to stroke the cat’s fur over and over as she had done so many times herself. We stayed there for some time and the nurse came in and checked on us several times, nodding her head each time. After a while the woman calmed and quieted. The woman made a gesture with her hand, and Lena meowed and got up; both signaling that the visit was over. Then Lena and I went across the hall for a pet visit with another resident who was quite distressed by listening to the moaning and crying all day. I tried to comfort and reassure her as she petted Lena and fed her treats. I hardly took my eyes off the cat during all of this and never thought about it because I had to make sure Lena was ok. Bending my head down like that really gave me a headache, but it was an honor to work with Lena and be able to help this woman. We also spent some time (first) with the Turkish woman. I have an app on my phone from which I am learning Turkish. We went through a short unit together, while she petted Lena. She was very engaged in using this app and followed it closely, correcting my pronunciation enthusiastically as we went. It was great, and amazing that two weeks ago I only knew three words in Turkish. Now we can actually converse in a very limited way. The activities director told me that this woman's daughter had reported that she used to speak English well but she lost her English as she developed dementia. It seems very sad that she seems so isolated there, but it is nice to see her light up when I come in with Lena and have a little chat with her in the only language she has left.

The Association manager cc'd me on an email she sent to the rental agent from whom my horrible neighbor rents. The email requested that the horrible neighbor come to the next board meeting to discuss her repeated violations of five different rules, mentioning that the manager has extensive documentation of these violations. Indeed - I have sent her 63 emails in less than two months, most of which had photos attached. I was amazed. Finally something happens! I doubt the neighbor will show up at a meeting where she is obviously going to at least be berated by a group (the board of directors) with plenty of documentation of her infractions. But if she refuses to go, that will look worse for her.

My helper showed up and we got started today; turns out he really does want to help me, and this is a relief. He needs the money and I need the help from someone I can really trust on multiple levels. He is a really sweet guy.

Tonight I played a gig with my ukulele group at the Elks club. It was fun to be out playing the cello and being with my friends, but since my dad was a member there it was sad to be there without him and know he's never coming back. I sure miss him and I feel lost without him.

Kay, I think I will do it! I had thought I had found a new helper to help me work through what is still left that I need to deal with in my dad's house, getting my camping stuff put back away (from September), making room for the tree, getting it over here, an all that so that I can even think about getting the tree over here and up. Wow- that was a humdinger - was it even a sentence? Anyway, he was supposed to start tomorrow and now I don't seem to be able to get hold of him. I hope he's still going to help me. I think I can do it if I have some help. This guy is very sweet and would be perfect... He said he would help me, but then he got sick, then I saw him and he was ok and then today I couldn't find him. I hope he hasn't vanished.

Kay, if you had one square inch of beauty around you for every bit of love, compassion, and comfort you give constantly to the world around you, you would be surrounded with nothing but beauty because there would be no room for anything else to appear even close to you. It doesn't really work like that, but I hope you have some sense of what a treasure you are to so many.

I know what you mean, Kay! I have been trudging through the last year struggling in so many ways and I keep hearing this annoying Ping! Ping! Ping! of all this groovy stuff my sister was doing - the one who wasn't speaking to me, and was really annoyed. I stopped following her, but the constant Ping! Ping! Ping! continued. I realized that my cello, Mister Cello, who has his own fb page, was still following her. I made him stop but I still had the constant reminders. I figured it was some karmic justice for who knows what and just gave up. About the time she resumed speaking to me, I realized that my precious pet, Lena Furbena had not gotten the memo. As if that cat was actually paying any attention to her fb anything! Sometimes it's just too much. Usually it is just too much.

I guess I would rather have it, even though it will be hard to have his tree without him. I keep thinking it's getting kind of late, but that's probably not true, especially since I usually leave it up until at least Valentine's day. Last year I took it down a few days before my sisters came out in mid March. The year before we left our trees up until June - my tiny tree and my dad's big tree. I collected a bunch of cat ornaments from the thrift store that benefits the Humane Society here, but they only made it out once. Anyway, I have mixed feelings about all of it, but always enjoy the lights...

I can't figure out whether or not to set up my dad's (artificial) tree at my house or not. If I don't set it up, I'll probably get rid of it and go back to setting up a little tiny tree. If I do set it up, I will have some time to figure out what to do with it in the future and maybe let go of it, or maybe find a way to keep it. Setting it up would mean working through last Christmas and how sad that was to have my dad falling apart and my being so scared. It might also be a way of honoring how hard he tried for me to have Christmas be ok...maybe because I was trying so hard for him. I know that for him Christmas was always magical because my mother made it that way for him. I always wanted to make something special for him on the holidays but never really had any idea what to do other than just being there for him and try to do some little things for him from our shared history. I always felt totally inadequate, but he would tell me he thought I was wonderful no matter what I did or didn't do. It's so sad to have him gone. But what to do about the tree? I think if I don't do it, it will be kind of like Christmas never came and December just slipped into January. I guess that's kind of what happened last year - December slipped into January and then he was gone halfway through the month, followed by what seemed like interminable cold. Lena always seems to enjoy the tree - should I set it up for her? I have pictures of her last year near the tree and it was so sad because I couldn't really enjoy the tree or any of it because my dad was so sick and just hanging on. Last year there were still some unwrapped gifts under the tree in March because...well just because. How does anybody ever figure these things out? I always used to set up the tree for my dad because it seemed to make him feel a little more cheerful to have the lights in the house. Who knows? Maybe I should just try to do the same thing for myself that I would have done for him...