Clematis

I watched my dad grieve my mother for the ten years he survived her. He would sit and cry in restaurants when a guitar player/singer played songs that reminded him of their past together. That went on for ten years...the musician would become concerned and ask if he should avoid those songs that my dad cried through, and he'd say no, no...give them a big tip and keep coming back. Eventually the musicians would remember and play those songs for my dad, even though none of us understood what he was going through exactly because he never said a word about it. Somehow it worked for him as a way to process his feelings. I guess it was a lot cheaper than therapy.

I remember my dad telling me when I was a teenager and there had been some kind of argument and I was upset with him, "I know you may not believe this now but no one will ever love you more than your parents do". I remember hoping that wasn't true because I wasn't sure about either of them. They both had their issues and my mother was just mean. Looking back at it later I think he was really speaking for himself when he said this. We certainly had a long time when things were difficult with my entire family, but after my mother died everything changed. I was able to see him as who he really was and as I've been told, the two of us were like two peas in a pod. My mother was like that with her father - they were very much alike, but I didn't see that with my dad and me for a long time. I'm not sure why, because he was my hero and role model throughout my adult life as a developed my career and struggled to find my way in the world. So he moved out west, telling my sisters that they each had their own family and he was going to "be family for Laura". He told me that everyone needs a support system and that we were going to be that for each other. As his health declined he used to comment, "you never guessed what you were getting yourself into when you asked me to move out here" and "I'm sorry to be such a burden on you". I felt like coaxing him to move west was the best thing I ever did and the ten years we had together was the best chunk of my life. I wouldn't have traded any of it for anything. I told him all of that every time in response to any of those remarks and he would always say, "Oh, you've been wonderful". I always felt grateful to have the chance to befriend and care for him when he needed me because he had done the same for me when I was little. It's hard to believe after all those years that all that's gone. I sure miss him...

That's really nice...

I went down to my dad's house to pick up something and chatted with a neighbor I've recently met on the way. It got rather cold while we were standing there, so I went rummaged through his hall closet when I got to his house. Mostly filled with my coats, but in there with them was a lovely light-weight periwinkle coat that was one of my dad's favorites. I wrapped myself up in it and wore it home. On the way I realized it still smelled like him. A friend had urged me to give away all of his clothing since they were men's clothes. I'm so glad I didn't. Not only was it warm and cozy - it was like snatching a hug from him out of the void...

The noise ordinance is from 10:00pm until 6:00am. There are also association rules, which these neighbors have ignored. They rent their unit, and a condition of their lease is that they follow the HOA rules. Naturally, the frequent rule breaking is a repeating violation of their lease, but they don't seem to be able to find a way to do anything about it. Maureen, the property manager of the HOA would like to get rid of them altogether, but that's up to the property management company the neighbors lease from. The best Maureen can do, as far as I can tell is to bug them, and I in turn can bug Maureen, which I do - with several emails a week with pictures of violations. Hopefully they both get tired of the frequent emailed complaints.

What a long day! I wasn't able to squeeze in the swim class, which was too bad. I had a horrible headache by the end of the day and came home to the wall thumping with the beat of the neighbor's bass beat on her stereo. It is almost 10:00 and it has been thumping for hours. Not the way to get rid of a headache...

I played last night with the Jerome Ukulele Orchestra, and it was really nice. I didn't realize how much I'd missed it. I haven't seen them much in a long time. At first I was too verklempt from grief, and then I couldn't drive after the car accident, and then i was just too exhausted from struggling to recover and reclaim my life - whatever that is now... But now I think I can go back to this. It was hard - I'd already had a long day and however fun it was noisy and I had to carry my cello on my back and schlep my amp down a very unevenly surfaced hill (and back up after) on a luggage cart. By the time I was in my car at the end of the day I felt like my head was going to explode and I had already taken Ibuprofen. Nevertheless, it got better as soon as I got the cello off my back, I slept well, and today I am ready to go test a squirmy student for three or four hours - with aqua aerobics in the middle of that, and then drive over the mountain and back so I can go to Trader Joe's and Costco. Prescott has been a big trigger since my dad died there - just thinking about it makes me overcome. But there are some things I really want from there and my friend Greg has been in New Mexico filming for almost two months. We have a two person Trader Joe's buying club - whoever gets there first brings stuff back for the other one. So, I'll have to go myself...

Practice is good. The first day was kind of rocky, but it didn't take me long to get back in the groove and remember what I should be working on and thinking about. I need to find my metronome. I really have no idea where so many things are. My brain was in such a fog when I moved. I tried to mitigate the damages of that by having my helpers mark things well and having "priority" boxes and bags that had really important things I didn't want to lose. I also exasperated both of them by hand-moving many things and doing things gradually. Bonita really wanted me to turn her loose on just boxing up everything - because she thought she could do that by herself and is would be easier, but I put as little in boxes as possible in favor of taking armloads, bags and open boxes from one house to the other in small car trips. Even still, I feel like I am lost in a house that doesn't look my house and much of my own stuff is either gone or in a mystery location. It's very disorienting. You are right on the job situation. This was my hope - that I could piece things together through the school year, get through the summer somehow, and work on next year in April when things start to clarify for the next school year. Another place to find a keyboard would be Craigslist, but I would start at the church because you might not only get a good deal but also make someone happy (relieved of their guilt at not playing it) that it found a nice home. Even I have a keyboard I don't play. I'm hanging onto it because I use it occasionally to spell out chords when I'm arranging something or play a tune I don't quite have in my ear - it's hard to sight read novel things on an instrument with no frets like a cello. I bought it when I was playing violin but had some fantasy I would really play the keyboard because I played piano as a kid, but this never happened. If I only played fretted instruments, that keyboard would have been long gone. Good luck! It's never too late if you've ever done anything musical - like singing. There a few people who never matched pitch in any way, but anyone who has ever played anything or sung has the rudiments in their ear to learn to play, and later may be better because a person is more motivated when it's their own idea. If you have the ability to cringe when someone hits an off note, you have a ear that is good enough to play. Keyboards/piano is probably the easiest thing to take up later in life. The ukulele is also very easy to take up later. Also, cello is a lot easier to take up later than the violin, but using the keyboard as a way to get going would be an excellent strategy.

Two days in a row of cello practice! I used to practice every day and Lena would come running, sit at my feet and ring the bells that hang from my music stand to get treats. She still rings the bells when she feels like it and gets treats, but the bell-ringing-for-treats became a stand-alone with no musical connection. But tonight, a couple of minutes after I sat down and started, Lena suddenly woke up and ran into the room, sat at my feet and looked at me expectantly. She remembered our little routine from more than a year ago, and suddenly so did I. It seems sometimes like everything is lost, but just then something came back out of the void. It felt like a little miracle...

What an enormous relief - I have been covering for another school psychologist for three months while she was on maternity leave. I have been hoping that I would continue to back her up when she returned to work, but this has seemed uncertain. Anyway, I learned today that this is definitely the case. So I will have continued income throughout the rest of the school year. This is fantastic news! I will probably have somewhat less work and income than I have had - and more time, but at least I won't have an income of $00 per month until September 2017. I was getting a little worried about that 10 months of zero income.

Kay, you also might just look around and let people know. Lots of people buy keyboards, frequently for their kids, and they never really get played, and so eventually end up at yard sales. Someone at your church might have one no one is actually playing is likely to play. It's hard to let go of an instrument you thought you wanted to play but it didn't work out. Sometimes it doesn't take much to push someone over the edge of deciding to cut loose of it - like knowing that someone might actually use it. I am not one to let go on instruments, but some point I fell in love with a beautiful red jazz guitar and the only way I could pay for it was to let go of an electric violin, a bass guitar, and the folk guitar my ex-husband had given me decades ago. None of these instruments had any future with me, but I had trouble letting them go. The bass was a black Ovation with black strings and it ended up with my painting teacher's teenage son and he was over the moon about it, which made me very happy. My jazz guitar had belonged to a local musician and his widow had hung onto this one for some time after his death. She died not long after I bought the guitar and I felt badly when I learned that her daughters were trying to find it. But then I didn't feel so badly when I also learned that they were selling all of their dad's stuff they could get their hands on and they wanted this particular guitar not for sentimental reasons, but because it was a collector's item and could have sold for more than I paid for it. But the man's widow had been pleased that the guitar found its way to someone who was in love with it and would play it. I think there are all kinds of instruments that are waiting for a new home somewhere, and their owners are holding out for someone who will value and play them. Your keyboard may well be out there somewhere waiting for you.

Thanks Kay, I did it - finally sat down and played a bit. I am extremely rusty; it's been a year since I had a lesson. It was rather rocky at the start, but if I can just make myself sit down with the cello every day it will come back. I met a group of ukulele players when I was in Hawaii and each had the goal of playing for at least one minute every day. Of course, once you sit down with your instrument you are going to play more than a minute, but it keeps you out of that loop where you think it's not even worth it to try if you don't have at least an hour or a half-hour or whatever seems minimal. If a person ended up playing only ten minutes a day they would do so much better than not playing at all. So that's my plan. You know, Kay - you could always start playing piano now. All you need is a keyboard - make sure it has full-size keys. Everything else you can get online for nothing. Lessons, sheet music, everything! And if you have no teacher you have only the pressure you put on yourself. All those years you sang in choir would really help you! Just a thought...

I did it! Solved the stand light problem; the bulb turned out to be on the fritz and would go on and off whenever touched. Got a new one and all is well. Also cleared out the chair, which is near the music stand even though I have yet to sit in it. Also downloaded the pdf music files and the sheet music, which is printed out, taped together and ready to play. I am off to a massage appointment, where we will listen to the pieces. Later tonight perhaps it will finally happen - me practicing.

I think you're right. The stand light is a little iffy and so is something else. The stand light works but doesn't like to be moved around. I need to take a little lamp with a solid connection and test where I plan to plug it in until I find a good spot, and plug the stand light in there. Then I need to de-clutter a chair to practice in and keep it clear of junk so I can sit and play a bit any time I want. I was thinking I would download the sheet music for the next concert and start looking at it, rather than waiting for the next rehearsal, a week from tomorrow. Some if it I've played before, and that will be a help. It would also be good to get the music to listen to as well and burn it onto a CD to listen to. It would probably be good to have something positive to focus on.

I survived the concert. It was a little dicey because I really didn't know the music very well since I had not been able to practice at all. Just too tired and headachy and overwhelmed. I haven't practiced in so long I can't even remember when, and I'm not even sure where I would practice exactly. Well I guess I know where I would but it hasn't happened yet. The music stand and music shelf are in the little bedroom, where I sleep, and I tried it in there once but the stand light would not cooperate with the plug and kept flickering on and off as I fiddled with it. I finally gave up - it was just too much to figure out why the light wouldn't work since the bulb is good. I guess I need to test it a little more systematically. I'm going to try harder to practice before the next concert - on Dec 17. Throughout my adult life practicing some instrument or another has always been a big part of the structure of my life. It's been at least a year and a half now, starting when my dad really went downhill. I spent every spare moment with him. At some point I took a cello to his house, thinking I could play some while I was there, but it never happened. Not even once. And now it's been so long. I think for me to not be playing music every day adds to the disorientation I feel in my own life. Who am I if I am not playing music?

I have found that as well - almost everything I really worry about never happens. I think that's because if you are really concerned about it, you take steps to keep it from happening or at least mitigate the damages if it does. It's stuff you never thought of that blindsides you. I tell myself that when I get overwrought about something. Also, I think about when I lost my job in 2009 and the economy was trashed and there was no work anywhere. I was positive I was going to end up living under a bridge with my canoe over me as shelter and trying to prevent my guitar from being stolen as I slept. My dad kept telling me he wasn't going to let that happen, but I wasn't sure I could trust him. Nevertheless, he carried me financially through it all. I made what I could by playing gigs and a little social work but it wasn't much. After it was over and I had a much better working situation than before and looking back I couldn't even remember why or how I was in such a panic. Looking back, I have had at least four times in my life when I struggled desperately to hold onto some untenable work situation that anyone else would have walked - or run - away from. Each time, after it fell apart, a period followed it in which I had no or little money but got through it somehow while I licked my wounds and regrouped. After each of these I ended up with a much better work situation and a better income than before. I keep telling myself that, but I fear that as I get older I may be less employable.That may not be true - I look younger than I am and have a stellar resume that no one has when they are young. Thank you, Kay and Marty - I really appreciate your helpful and supportive comments.

I feel frightened about the future due to my uncertain employment - as well as the fact that I am still partially disabled. I always had such stamina and as much energy as a group of people. And where is it now? What will become of me? I was sitting here going through my orchestra music, adding some bowings and arranging it to tape together so the page turns come out right when we play. I was feeling rather bad about this because I have hardly been able to prepare for this. I will have to play quietly and air-bow some of it. It's tempting to not go at all, but I know it is upsetting to the group when people come to rehearsals and don't show up at the concert. Also, I did the art on the program cover...I have to go. I feel badly about not being better prepared, but I would feel worse if I didn't go. Then I was sitting on the Persian rug that my grandmother, then my parents, and then I loved and decorated around - taping my music together on the nifty table my dad bought for my mother and then we enjoyed in his AZ condo. The Bose radio my dad gave me two years ago was playing some divine violin and piano concerto, Lena was wandering around above me on the sofa, and I suddenly wondered what exactly was the emergency. I may have to live on part of the money I had hoped to hang onto for my retirement, but probably not more than part of a year. I have a lovely condo with beautiful art and furnishings that have been in my family for generations. I am hardly hanging by a thread - I just don't know the future. Nevertheless, I can feel my father's love and confidence that I will find my way through this and continue to provide for myself and Lena. She is lying here with me, curled up and listening to Gregorian chant. It is really an honor to have the total trust of a small furry one...

It's true - I am. The PT wants to use a technique called Dry Needling PT that stimulates and oxygenates problem areas that have developed an "-osis", unlike an "-itis" (inflammation) situation. The dry needling targets the tight points within muscular tissue that produce and refer pain. It's meant to work together with other strategies like the therapeutic massage I am already getting. Here is an article about it. Diane told me a little about it, but we didn't have a lot of time left after my talking to her about what had happened and her doing a thorough initial assessment. I found an article online that made a lot of sense and filled in some missing pieces. I can see why Gretchen is so enthusiastic about Diane, telling me that she is totally different than the other PT's and OT's where she works. Just for starters, the others tend to put you on a machine "to warm up" and then have you work with an intern, and the certified professional who is billing for the session sees you only minimally. Diane spends the entire session working with you and is constantly assessing your condition and progress. Here is the article in case you're interested. http://www.apta.org/PTinMotion/2015/5/DryNeedling/

I feel like I lost three dads, the dad was so much fun when I was little and he did all the cool stuff, the dad who was not so cool with teenagers and young adults (impatient with a quick temper) but he was my hero and role model as I struggled with establishing my career, and the dad who moved out west to be my companion and best friend during his last ten years. Hard to believe all that's over, it's just hard to take in, even still.

Ok!

Hi Patty, good to hear from you. I feel like that too lately - that there are no words - just triggers everywhere and I've already said it all. And then there's the head injury. My new constant companion is a headache. Pretty much every day for 5 months now. Sorry to hear about your struggles and your bad dream.

Thanks, Kay. I keep reading what you wrote and I just don't know how I feel. Lost and Alone, like my user name when I started. I don't feel devastated in the same way I did, but I feel more confused and frightened. I keep thinking I should be doing better than I am at handling things. But maybe that's not realistic. When I saw Diane yesterday I gave her a brief run-down and she said, "Wow-you really have a lot on your plate!" I said, "I guess". I am frightened of the future financially and my ability to continue professional work. Everyone who has worked with me tells me there is no reason to believe anything else than that I will continue to improve until I am restored to where I was, but it has been so long. It's very discouraging. But then again I have some direct evidence that injuries a lot older than that can heal. I have an old ankle injury that has come back to haunt me, from an avulsion fracture 25 years ago. It began to hurt and then became more and more swollen. I barely recognized it because it was so disfigured - it really didn't look like part of my body, and was a really hard mass of something around the outside of the joint, getting worse over several years. I was afraid to even think about it, but asked the chiropractor if that was some bizarre bone growth. He said no, it was just swelling. Than was encouraging. Then the massage therapist told me about how granulation in the fascia caused a very painful swelling and he was using a jade gua sha tool. He was talking about my neck and I was intrigued with the gua sha because it looked like a great ceramics tool. He gave me one, but it never made it to the ceramics studio. One day I put all that together and started using the tool on my ankle, elevating it, icing it, and applying Penetrex several times a day, as well as using a brace to keep the swelling down when I stand for long periods. After about three weeks of this, my ankle is so dramatically improved it is hard to believe! So I suppose that if a really old injury like that can improve, the swelling in my neck that is causing me all the pain may heal as well. I guess one of the things that is really hard is that I am having periods where I have several days of no pain and it is remarkable how different I feel. I can focus on my work, I have a lot more stamina, I feel more optimistic, and I just feel more like myself. Then the headache returns and I am back to feeling scattered and exhausted. It makes it really hard to remember that I was ever strong and competent. Diane seems to have a number of techniques and treatment strategies that are very different than anything else that has been done, and I remain confident and hopeful due to the trust and enthusiasm that my friend Gretchen has for Diane.

Ooo...some bright pink clematis! Thank you Anne - I love them!

Thanks! The insurance companies only matter because it's car-accident related and they will be paying for it. I have been attentive since the beginning to providing good documentation and connecting the dots so that they don't find a loophole or way to wriggle out of paying. This was not my fault and I shouldn't have to pay. The woman who tried to pass me on the inside of a right hand turn, saw me and accelerated into my car from the shoulder is clearly at fault and she/her insurance company is on the hook for compensation. However, the longer the treatment goes on, the more money is involved. I am concerned that they may try harder to get out of it. My attorney tells me over and over that he is not worried. I am trying to not worry but to provide him with anything that will help him, and ultimately myself. Growing up as a lawyer's daughter and working all those years myself in a legal field should not be for naught here is how I see it...

So, after I saw the Neuro PT, I went by Sprouts to pick up a few things - it was the first time I had been there in a long time. I used to always make a quick dash through there on the way home from working on the reservation, have a pit stop on the long drive and pick up a few things for dinner before hurrying home to make dinner for my dad. I know when I was doing that, people thought I was a little nuts - getting up at 4:30, driving 2-1/2 hours each way to a full day at work, and then rushing home to spend time with my dad, rather than just going home and to bed. Actually, I'd always go by my house and pick up Lena so the three of us could have dinner together... And now it's all gone. He's gone, his house will be gone soon, and my house is gone too in a way as well because it looks like a mirror image of his house - with a few changes. I have all this nice furniture and antiques and rugs and things that I have known for so long because they were in my family. But all the people are gone - it seems like everything is gone. Except Lena. My dad was so much a part of the structure of my life. I lived in Flagstaff before and then Tucson, and I was on my own there, but my mother died the same summer I moved to Sedona, and very soon afterwards my dad and I started planning on his moving out here The whole 11 years I lived here I was either with him or planning on his coming here. It is just so bizarre to be here without him. And now I also don't have my job or any financial security or health and strength or anything else. I am just here by myself. With Lena, of course. I just wonder where my life went. Everything is just gone. I have a continual headache now as my constant companion. Nice, huh?