Clematis

This is a hard one for me - although it seems like it should be easy. I've been struggling to get up to speed with the paperwork in my new district, where I am hoping to make a good impression. I worry about making mistakes although no one seems unduly concerned. I suppose the truth is that other people make mistakes and understand some amount of error, especially for a new person. I think confusing myself with Hercules is due to coming from a critical background where nothing was ever good enough. Also, when I first started working as a school psychologist I was the only one in the district and I had no one to follow or to help me, while I was surrounded with staff who were vigilant in watching for any tiny error for which they could report me. Or they just made stuff up. It was a work environment that was so treacherous it made the prison system where I had worked the previous five years look nurturing in comparison. I totally fell right into my role there because I am used to pushing myself as if there was never any limit. But this year, working through grief and a head injury that doesn't work When I push myself too hard it only makes me regress. I guess this is a lesson that I would have to learn at some point; better now than after letting my neurotic patterns destroy my health. Anyway, I have been resting and am lots better!

Dang - that's terrible!

I know what you mean about missing them and feeling them around. Pets touch us in vulnerable places and make a mark on our hearts that is like nothing else. Just like people, no new pet can ever replace one that is gone, and some leave a lingering void that never goes away. I don't think my mother ever stopped grieving her dog Beaux and I think they are together now, even though it was about fifty years between their deaths. My cat Lena is the love of my life, but she doesn't replace Freya, whom I can't honestly say I ever got over, even though I have a much deeper relationship with Lena. Freya disappeared several times, once for 10 days, then for 11 months, and finally for good, right before I was moving. She was kind of wild - or she would have never survived for all those months and ended up living by killing birds at a trailer park nine miles away. The residents, who were feeding the birds, were distressed by the carnage in their front yards and called animal control to pick her up. Fortunately, Freya's tag on her collar had my phone number at work, which was more stable than I at the time. Because I never knew what became of her in the end - 34 years ago, it was harder to accept that she was really gone and I have dreamed of her for years, usually like a Hallmark movie ending where we finally get together and run towards each other in a field of flowers and she leaps into my arms. I had a dream about Freya last night in which she was living with Lena and me. The three of us walked over to the house of a friend to visit, narrowly avoiding being struck by speeding cars three or four times in the two-block walk. We made it there and my friend said the cats should stay outside because someone had a problem with cats. I didn't want to leave the cats outside where they could be killed by speeding cars, and apparently Lena and Freya agreed, since they just marched in. The dog left to join the husband in another room and Lena stayed near the door to the outside, while my friend and I sat on the couch and talked. There was a little pet bed in front of a sliding door to a closet - too small for the dog. Then I noticed there was a cat that I recognized as "Booger" my good friend's beloved cat, who lived far longer than Freya, but they were born about the same time. They never met in life, but here they were together in my dream, playing some silly kitty game in and out of the cat-bed and the closet. Both would be in the closet, then one in the bed and then switch, as if they were pretending each to turn into the other, Booger the tabby and Freya the tortoiseshell cat kind of blending together. I woke up with Lena lying in my arms. In some ways Freya has been on my heart all those years. Her disappearance is the reason that every cat I have had since then has lived exclusively indoors and every cat has a collar and name tag. It's dangerous out there, with speeding cars and whatnot. It's not that I have been actively mourning her for over thirty years, but at some level I still miss her and feel her spiritual presence in my life. Some relationships permanently change who we are and the loss of those beloveds also permanently alters us. That some of those relationships are with pets is immaterial.

Robin - I am so sorry to hear this painful news. Addiction is a curse that cuts across all lines. Some of my absolute favorite people in my life have died of additions and their aftermath, and they were all absolutely splendid people. It is heartbreaking to see lives of wonderful people ruined and lost over addiction, but I agree with you - it's a tragedy. Some people see any kind of weakness as an embarrassment, but we all have weaknesses of some kind - weaknesses are just part of who we are as humans.

Here is my latest - it's for the program cover for this upcoming season for the community orchestra I play with in Flagstaff. It's really an honor to be able to contribute my art like this and I hope the orchestra loves it as much as I loved painting it for them!

Thank you! Here it is - all done. Lena also posed for the eye of the cat. It looks a lot better with natural light.. .

Oh, I'm sorry to have asked. It's really important to go through this path in the way that works for you. Grief is tortuous enough as it is, and I hope you don't feel any pressure from me or anyone else here. I really feel for you - you seem to really have had a staggering load. I find it helpful to remember that when I'm overwhelmed, whatever it is, it doesn't have to be dealt with at all at once. I also find that I usually expect more of myself than anyone else would. My grief counselor is always talking about nibbling around the edges of what I need to do and going for the low-hanging fruit.

Thank you, Kay - you are very sweet. I barely left the house and took a big fat nap. I did no work and did not drive to Flagstaff to Orchestra rehearsal, and that was a relief. I did, however get one monkey off my back. I was thrilled to be asked to do the artwork for our community orchestra's program for this season, and wanted it to be special. But I've been so tired and out of sorts I kept putting it off, although I did have a basic plan and had done a lot of sketching. So I did that today.It's not quite finished, but here it is... It looks more yellowish than it really is, due to the incandescent lights. Check out that little blur near the violin's chin rest - it's Lena's tail. I had the painting sitting on a chair to photograph it, and right as I snapped the picture, Lena jumped on the chair!

Thanks! I am already doing better. I wonder how you are doing. You really seem to be staggering under a big load of losses. Are you still having to move? What is the name of your cat? Do you have a picture? I feel really badly for you losing your cat. I can't imagine losing a cat on top of everything else...

I am sick - no doubt - and it's like getting knocked down again. It's very discouraging. I'm so sorry about your cat - that is really sad, and the last thing you need. Cats are such a comfort

To me the first words that some to me are pompous a**. Or, how about this - extreme narcissist? Either would do. He doesn't deserve to have you - or any other girlfriend. Kay has good advice - no contact. The other thing would be to every directly tell him what you think. It might inspire him to decide that no contact with you was safer. That was kind of what happened with my sisters, who are both very passive aggressive. They had a lot of insipid little nasty remarks that were said to each other in front of me or indirectly to me. I think the "rule" of the passive aggressive communicator is that they say things that by design cannot be responded to directly, and you are not supposed to respond, but to go slinking away. I don't like playing those games and tend to respond truthfully and directly, even if it "ups the ante" and makes someone really angry. Usually in time the truth stands on its own in time and is apparent to everyone. I have more than enough on my plate without sacrificing myself for people who don't really care about me and so do you. In the immediacy it may seem like it's easier to go along with things and hang onto people no matter what they do to you, but in the long run it may just make you feel worse. I think going along with or instigating "no contact" can make it feel like you are adding to your own suffering, but the opposite is probably true. At least for me that is the case. Here's another strategy - imagine that someone else was in the situation you are in, being treated as you are...what would you think they should do?

This is so discouraging - seems like as soon as things start to get better I get knocked down again. I was starting to get ideas of things maybe I could do, but I think all I can do right now is the bare minimum that I have to do. Dang!

Lena does a little hiking, always on a leash. She likes to get down and roll around in the red dirt and come back as a brown cat. It always involves a little bit of picking her up and carrying her - because there is a dog off leash or because we want to go in different directions. I could slip in a tiny bit of weight lifting that way...hahaha! I know what you mean - I want Lena to live forever - it's hard to imagine how I could ever live without her. But she's still young - will be six in December. Hopefully we have many good years together yet. My neighbor in the end condo unit was here for the last week and we had a great visit. She hadn't been here in over three years and brought a friend with her from her primary residence in Portland OR. They are both from the UK. The friend was absolutely enraptured with Lena, calling her "Sweetie Darling", petting her, raving over her and playing with her. She said the absolute highlight of her trip to Sedona was Lena doing a "high-five" with her.

Thanks, Kay! I was thinking that I should start back to lifting weights - like tomorrow, before I got sick. Now I realize that's totally ridiculous. I was talking to my friend Adrienne today; she is very smart and full of good information. She told me that even with just my head/neck injury it was too soon for that. She said I should walk or go on gentle hikes. Dang! I hate it when she's right. She isn't always right but I always listen to her, and I'm afraid this is one of those times... Say, how is Kitty?

I totally agree this is not something that should be said, and I am speaking from the perspective of having worked as a counselor with a high suicide risk population (prison), where I was involved with hundreds of assessments and interventions for suicide risk over the years. I was also trained to do trainings for the correctional staff. Based on what I have seen, this kind of statement would be appealing to someone who was seriously considering killing themselves - because that is exactly what they want - a permanent solution to a festering problem that seems to have no other solution. A permanent solution is what everyone wants for any problem. I have had headaches every day for the four months since my car accident and I would like a permanent solution, but I believe that this won't last forever and the treatment I am involved with will permanently solve the problem. I can believe in the possibility of my headaches ending because I can see a progression in my improvement. But for people who have a problem that seems to have no solution, and things seems to be getting worse...well, desperate people do desperate things. The most helpful thing I know about people who are in this situation or close to it is this. Statements of suicidal ideation or intent should always be taken seriously - every single time. Also, people who are contemplating suicide are almost always ambivalent. Granted, there are some people who are so intent upon killing themselves that they will try one thing ofter another until they are successful, and the attempts tend to be increasingly lethal. But the vast majority have mixed feelings, which is the reason there are so many failed attempts. People want a permanent solution but they have mixed feelings and have some amount of hope. Professionals work to examine what is in the mixed basket of thoughts and then help the person to see the positive more clearly and look at the negative seriously without minimizing it so that what is feared becomes less certain.

To me it seems like depression plus grief is just that - depression plus grief. Depression can certainly be exacerbated by life events, but I think the grief from a staggering losses a new thing as well. Say you already had a monkey on your back and now you have a new monkey as well. It would make the weight of the first monkey seem heavier, but now you have two monkeys. If things change and the meds you were taking aren't working anymore, the best thing may be to go back to the Dr. or NP who is prescribing them, and realize you are likely to be in for a new trial and error experience as well. Good luck, Jen - I hope you can find something that works for you.

I am now getting sick on top of everything else. Dang! Just yesterday I was thinking that I was getting enough better that I would start going back to the gym; it seemed like I was getting more energy. I think it is a bacterial respiratory infection - I get those a lot, and it seems that the sooner I get Zithromax from my doc, the milder it is and the faster it clears up. I'll see if I can get hold of him later today... Meanwhile, it may not be the best time to go back to the gym

I seem to be getting sick now on top of everything else...most definitely not what I need!

Oh, that is very cute! That makes sense that walking a big dog would be a challenge, and getting them to not pull so much on the lead is really exhausting. That is very sad about the cat - losing a pet on top of what you are going through is really awful. Like you, I am struggling with the aftermath of a car accident along with the grief. The two together is really exhausting. My accident was four months after the loss. I think I was starting to get on my feet a bit after my dad's death and then the car accident came along. Now it's another four months and I often wonder if I am so exhausted because of the grief or the head injury. But realistically, that's probably rather pointless because it's both and impossible to tease out. I know what you mean - it is! Remember to take it one step at a time. - Laura

I have been taking Trazodone and it's been helpful on the sleep. I have 50 mg tablets and I go after them with my dad's pill-cutter. Half a tablet was good for a little while, but a whole one left me groggy the next morning, so I finally settled on 3/4. Still, the first half of the night is better than the second half. Rylee, I think we tend to focus on how grief emotionally, but I think for someone like you - or me - who was a caretaker for a person who is near the end, it's like you are fighting a battle - mind, heart, soul, and body. You come out of it exhausted, and then the grief work begins, which is even more exhaustion. To me it seems like all of these things feed each other. We have thoughts that are kind of destructive, like unrealistic guilt. That makes our emotional landscape more treacherous to cross, which leads to more physical exhaustion, which makes us more likely to interpret things in a way that makes things seem worse, which leads to more painful emotions - as if it wasn't bad enough already. Anyway, that is how it seems to me - like a snowball gathering more snow and debris as it rolls downhill. Hang in there, and try to keep reminding yourself that everything changes and evolves and changes, even grief. =^. .^=

It won't be like this forever. It's really hard to have lost both of your parents - I have as well. But everything changes. Nothing stays like it is forever, including the most excruciating pain. Five months is not very long. I am at eight months and it is different than five months, but that's not really that long either. Grief is a hellish path. Try to give yourself a break. You may be right in having concerns about taking an antidepressant. Grief and depression are not the same thing. Hang in there and keep checking in with us, ok? We walk the same path you do...

Thanks! Cat on a leash is very cute. And your dog - just give it time and take baby steps. Walk around the yard and then walk across the street and back with sunglasses on. When my dad first died I felt like I was paralyzed a lot of the time. And like I couldn't breathe. Even still I am not sure if I am exhausted from grieving - or the car accident related head injury - or both - or does it matter? I have gotten used to walking down to my dad's house and back - it's about three minutes each way. I feel sad walking down there to take care of things but I'm not crying all the way like I used to. Nevertheless, getting through things seems rather pointless. I don't remember how or when taking care of my dad became such a primary focus in my life but it sure did. Take the best care of yourself and your dog that you can. It might be easier to take care of your dog than yourself. In the beginning when I was staggering around feeling paralyzed, there were a lot of times when I had a meal only because Lena reminded me rather vocally that she was hungry and I realized that I ought to eat something as well. I wasn't really hungry but knew in the back of my mind somewhere that it wasn't only Lena that needed to eat. I am really not sure I would have survived the months since my dad died had it not been for Lena. It may be the same for you and your dog. Whatever it takes. The only thing you can be sure of is that nothing ever stays the same. Therefore what we are experiencing right now will not be permanent, but will evolve. Let's see another doc of your dog. What kind of dog is he? What's his name? Here's Lena - "Mom - open the door! Or get the staff to do it! We are on the wrong side of the door!"

Anne, I really liked this one, too. It's so true. He wrote, "As much as I miss my dad (and I do miss him terribly) I miss the me that he knew, too. I grieve the loss of our shared story." My dad told me that at the time he and my mother were having babies, he had hoped that one of us would have "intellectual curiosity" - a relentless drive to know more and more - to deeply investigate things and not accept easy answers. And he got what he wanted in me. A daughter who only wanted a Swiss Army knife for her sixteenth birthday and was working as a mechanic - on bicycles - three years later, while going to college. I never realized how much we were alike until my mother died; it was like a veil was lifted and we really saw each other. He said guys used toast him if he missed not having any sons and he said he always responded, "never for a moment!" I loved being the daughter he was so proud of. I loved that he worked so hard to take care of his family and that he was fiercely protective of me. I was so happy to be able to reciprocate for him late in his life. I felt like his pet Rottweiler, protecting him from harm when he became fragile and vulnerable. I loved being the daughter he hoped he would have. But I don't have that anymore... instead I feel like I am mostly annoying people just by being who I am.

Thank you! Sorry I didn't see this sooner. I went camping at a music festival last weekend, and then spent three days doing very little but trying to recover. I have gone to this festival - and camped - every year for almost a decade. This year was a very different experience than I usually have. I spent a lot more time in the campground because some of the music was too much for me with my post concussion headache from the car accident. I missed calling my dad from the festival, checking on him, and even missed feeling guilty about leaving him alone for three days, even though I was less than 30 miles away. I missed trying to share the festival with him over the phone, by picture messages, and getting together afterwards. Your dog looks very sweet. He would probably like a little walk. I had a really hard time taking the shortest walks in the beginning, and always wore sunglasses because I was always crying as I walked from my condo to his and back. I am still taking very short walks, but it doesn't seem as arduous. Tonight I took Lena down there with me. Walking a cat is harder than walking a dog. I have to carry her down there, but she's like a horse heading for the barn on the way home and will walk on the leash very nicely. I bet your dog would walk nicely for you and you wouldn't have to carry him...

That sounds like a great idea - use the hummingbird food as bait in a bee trap!