Clematis

I am so sorry to hear of your going through this. It sounds excruciating. I think the only thing you can do is take it one step at a time, and keep coming back here. All of us here have found tremendous support and comfort in each other as we travel the difficult paths we are on. You aren't alone.

Kay, I just noticed this post of yours. It's really heartbreaking. I can't imagine what you went through before and after he died. I think a lot of people discover things after someone has died, but all that seems really overwhelming.

That's really cool, Patty, that you're connecting with him. This is the way it seems to me. Remember how it used to be before cell phones and pagers and all that? You'd call somebody and sometimes you'd get lucky and they'd pick up the phone and you had the immediate gratification. But sometimes you'd have to leave a message and you would probably hear back from them, but it might be the next day or after the weekend or some such. But sometimes the message would get lost and you'd have to try them again later.

I talked to my friend who is a psychiatrist about this. She was alarmed and said, "well, they're sociopaths". I thought about it and realized she was right - I just never thought about it like that and I'm not sure why. After all I am the one who worked as a probation officer, worked at a prison in mental health for five years, did my graduate thesis on the topic, and have had a lot of personal experience - my former brother in law, a previous neighbor, and so on. I suppose on some level I really didn't want to think about it and just worked hard at ignoring their misdeeds, getting along, and even covering for them...huh!

Thanks, Kay - I am doing that and hoping for the best. I looked online and found this about AZ state law: "You may serve a notice for immediate termination based upon irreparable and material breach i.e. (but not limited to) illegal discharge of a weapon, threatening or intimidating, assault, serious property damage and/or other criminal activity." When Maureen heard what Adam said to me and to her about refusing to comply with the HOA rules, she went immediately to her office and called the property management people to get going on eviction. She has spent the past 20 years working to make this a nice development, not to have this kind of thing going on - the police being called, a tenant using his car to intimidate another resident and all of that, after years of being a continual rule-breaker.

I agree with you - love is wonderful and I love pink, but 3-1/2 years of me doing nothing but being very positive toward them, helping them, and looking the other way while they constantly broke the rules yielded me neighbors who became openly hostile as soon as I asked anything of them -to turn down music that was giving me a headache on a daily basis. I don't think I am responsible for him using his car to intimidate me and almost hit me. I do feel for their little girl. They have tried very hard to be good parents to her, but their behavior is likely to cause them all to lose their home. I am doing my best to stay out of harm's way. I had a neighbor once before who was really awful and I couldn't wait for an eviction process or anything else because I was afraid for my life. I went to the landlord to tell him I was leaving, he pointed out that I had a lease, but when I told him what was going on with this bonafide psychopath, he agreed that I should leave. I don't think he wanted a dead girl instead of a tenant. Now, I can't just move out because I own my condo. I suspect that some kind of immediate action needs to me taken - but not by me.

My mother died 11 years before my dad. After about a year he came out to AZ to be with me and we had ten great years being friends and family to each other. I know that he missed my mother terribly and there were many times that he wished he could just join her but always concluded that I need him as much as he needed me and that he should stay here - alive - as long as he was meant to be here. I have wondered a lot about where he is and what he's doing now, and I have no clues. When he talks to me it's always something supportive of me and never about what he is doing. I have wondered if at some point I would stop hearing from him because he was with my mother and had no more time for me, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I have the feeling that he is spending time with my mother. I also have the feeling that my mother is spending time with her father and paternal grandmother, who have both been gone for many years - as well as her sister, who recently died. My mother adored her grandmother, and they were both artists. She also idolized her father and they were very close. They were very much alike and I don't think my mother ever stopped missing her dad. I guess we can't really know what happens after we pass, but I do think that the same dimensions that bind us are not applicable to people who are "on the other side of the veil". People say that time is not the same for them as it is for us and I think that's true. I think the 11 years my parents were separated by death was a lot more difficult for him than for her. I truly believe that she was watching over him even though she was reconnecting with her father and grandmother and beloved dog Beaux from her childhood. Somehow it seems that none of that conflicts for them. I have often heard people say that once people are in a spiritual form they are freed from the neurotic things that made things difficult for them and people close to them when they were alive. I don't have the sense that they are angry and spiteful and envious, or any of the things that may have made it hard for us when they were alive - like my mother. I hear people talk a lot about the veil that separates us from those who have gone, and that while it seems very far from us and we can't see them, that they can see us clearly and feel close by. I feel like my dad responds to me when I am very distressed, when I talk to him out loud, and when there is something in my immediate environment that would get his attention - like imminent danger. For some reason I am sensitive to that kind of thing. My dad was not and never got any messages from my mother. What I got my mother was rather indirect, but it's hard to say whether she communicated with me through rabbits because that's all I was ready to hear from her or because that's all she could do. One way or another, I eventually got the message from her that she really did love me, which I never got when she was alive. But that seems to have been important to her to communicate. I don't have the sense that people who have passed have to choose between one person and another. I believe that my parents are together and my mother also is with her father, sister, grandfather and the others as much as they want to be, but that doesn't seem to keep him from being available to me when I especially need him. Anyway, those are just my thoughts...

I've gotten stuck on Lucky Charms. In the beginning, it was macaroni & cheese and Lucky Charms. Some snack things from Schwan's and whatever I could find in my dad's freezer. Food that was his was better than any other food. I managed to steam vegetables. And that was all I ate for months. A few weeks ago I finally managed to make my own macaroni & cheese and it was so much better than the stuff I could buy. I felt like I had performed a miracle to bake macaroni & cheese, and I am eight months out. I was talking to a fellow griever about how when I go to Walmart, I feel like there is an elephant on my chest and the bottom has dropped out of my stomach and my world. He said, "I know the feeling". I was trying to explain why that happened in Walmart even though I actually had no idea why Walmart was the biggest trigger I know of. Then as I talked, it came to me. It wasn't just the times I was there with him. More like every time I was in Walmart, with him or alone, I was always thinking about him and if maybe somewhere in this huge store maybe there was something that I could bring him that would save him - or help him have an easier time - or just cheer him up, make him laugh, or remind him that he wasn't alone in the world. But after my dad died, it was too late to save him or help him or cheer him up with a cute seasonal T-shirt, because it's just too late, and there I am in Walmart and alone in the world. It's still hard, but I think it's a little better understanding why I feel like it's the end of the world just to walk in the door.

I had a lot of strange rabbit encounters after my mother died -she had a life-long obsession with them. I would be out on a trail or even driving through the neighborhood and a rabbit would come running toward me and stop fairly close by and stare at me, fearlessly. It took me a long time to figure out what she was trying to say to me through the rabbits, but I never doubted that it was her. With my dad I just hear his voice and there have been a few dreams. I miss my dad terribly - we were very close and I miss him every day. Hearing his voice is nowhere near having him here but it is reassuring.

It's true - they are trying vey hard to provoke me. That's what he was doing in his car when he was following me around in his car taking videos of me and taunting, "What are you going to do now, Laura? What are you going to do now?" And he came close to hitting me with his car. I do think they are dangerous and they are also facile liars. They behave like criminals, doing whatever they want and figuring they will always win with a person who is following the rules and telling the truth. And they are right - I am no match for them and have more to lose. But I think Maureen is likely to become more and more eager to get them out of here.

I do have their home phone number. I have called them a few times, but sometimes the music is so loud I doubt if they could hear it - they could barely hear me when I walked over and was banging on the door. But now they have finally spoken their preference and I will call them. I'm not sure why driving around after a pedestrian in a car is ok. I was telling this to the cop and I thought it was assault - as in threatening someone, but I think he was focused on was my comments about videotaping me while taunting me verbally. After I walked over to his car to explain that I had been trying hard for years to work with him and be flexible was when he got really crazy, yelling at me to stay away from and lurching the car back and forth like in little K-turns and almost hit me. having dodged all of that, I walked about 40 feet away to where my dad's car was parked and he followed me in his car, trying to provoke me with the taunting and phone stuff. Right now they are spraying my back patio by shooting their hose over the privacy wall in between. I took pictures of the wet patio. The were actually spraying my door with their hose, which would have gone through the screen had I not closed the sliding glass door midway through the spraying. I'm going to ceramics class all day today. Hopefully there are no further problems. I guess if there are I should call the police back.

I know! Here she is supposedly learning how to follow the rules to get along in the world, and she has this going on. She was standing on the side of their car when I talked to her mother about parking in front of my garage. Her mother was on the far side, but the girl was on the side towards me and looked like she was frozen stiff, and looking me like I was a monster, the neighbor who has been chatting with her and giving her things since she was four.

I think you're right, Steve. I think speaking aloud is good. My dad has been fairly responsive to me, but now that I think about it, most of the time he has responded to things anyone would notice if they were bodily standing there, like pointing out that I should buy gas, that the airbag light was on, that the only fire extinguisher was still down at his place, etc. After eight months of silently ruminating about the combination to the keypad on his car (keyless entry), I had the dream in which he gave me enough clues that I was able to find it. But it didn't happen until I started messing around with the keypad that I got a response.

Thanks! I think you're right, and I imagine Maureen has thought of that - she owns a bar and has been around. I think they are probably pot smokers. They are very paranoid and jittery at times, but other times are very laid back and mellow. They think they can do whatever they want. When all this happened this afternoon, he went over to his house and started banging something on the wall. I have no idea what he was doing, but it was still going on when the cop got there. He heard this banging, as it was really loud and asked me if this was something I had heard before. I told him no, never before - I thought he was just doing this to annoy me. I figure a little police contact was probably good for them. It was annoying that she told the cop I was really aggressive when I was asking her to stop parking in front of my garage. My voice may have been a little louder than my "inside voice" because she was 25 or 30 feet away from me and I wanted her to hear me, but my friend was with me and she said that by no stretch was that aggressive. I do think she may have found it shameful to be chastised for not following the rules in front of her eight year old daughter. That's a good suggestion. Ear plugs and headphones tend to give me a headache and music is distracting when I'm trying to work (write reports), but I could have the fan run whether the A/C was going or not...mask the noise a bit? I think I'll do what the cop told me as well - call them if it's too loud, and if they don't turn it down, call the police. Eventually that will be a problem. I'm sure Maureen doesn't want the police in here every day. No one does. I just hope I can sleep after all that...

Kay -That sounds really awful - this is more of an annoyance, although things escalated today and Invited the police over for a chat. I went outside this afternoon and the woman and little girl were getting into her car, which was parked in front of my garage door. I asked her to please stop parking in front of my garage and she said yeah, while rolling her eyes and making a face. I pointed out that I had asked them to stop doing that at the beginning of the summer and... (I didn't get to finish, as she had gotten into her car and slammed the door) Then later I was standing near my dad's Mercury, which was parked in one of the Visitor's spots rather briefly and Adam was sitting in his car in front of the other neighbor's garage. he got out of his car, walked towards me and started taking pictures/videos of me and the Mercury with his cell phone. I walked a little closer to him and was telling him that I had tried to work with him and be flexible and...I didn't get to finish that one either because he got in his car and began pivoting the car this way and that going back and forth in the intersection and almost backed his car into me - missed me by less than a foot, but I got away from his car. Then he pulled up next to me and continued to taunt me and take videos of me with his call phone. So I called the police and they came over and I told them all this. Then he went next door and talked to the neighbors. She told him that when I asked her to stop parking there that I was really aggressive. He told the cop that the only reason he had refused to turn down the stereo was that I had come to their door rather than phoning them. They made it out like I was harassing them by coming to their door all the time and that was why they had put a lock on the gate was because they don't like being bothered like that. They never told me to phone them and I have been at their door less than ten times in three years. The cop told me to phone them if there was a problem, and then call them if they were unreasonable. He also said that I should keep in touch with Maureen and be patient about the eviction process. He also said he would talk to Maureen - small town here - and she does own a pub... I was talking to a friend on the phone about this and she thought I am likely to have a positive outcome from this - either they will start following the rules or they will be evicted since they are renters and signed a lease agreeing to follow the association rules.

Thanks Kay-I appreciate the support. I need it; I feel really badly about this. I have tried so hard to get along with these neighbors, and I certainly don't want to get into a mud-slinging contest with people who are obviously a lot more adept and experienced at it than I. I used to squirt the cat, and got her with the hose (a bit) when outside watering the plants. The "window" is actually a sliding glass door, which I love to leave open, but don't do as much lately due to the incense, which drifts inside my house. Several times I took Lena outside (with leash & harness) when I saw the other cat, who ran like hell. It didn't deter the cat and I felt badly because it's not the cat's fault. That's a good idea about the fan. it's not against the rules and the noise is annoying. A friend told me once that Sedona is a mecca for the narcissistic and I think she's right. But then again, I think our whole culture is becoming more self-absorbed and less considerate of others. These people think the rules are for other people. Adam once told me that his cat had been picked up by animal control, and he went looking for her and identified her. They were charging him a fee and he didn't want to pay it, so he told them he was going out to his car to get his checkbook, but grabbed the cat and ran. He was bragging about how clever he is. That kind of thing makes me wary and I really don't want to get into an escalating conflict with them. We live so close and I am vulnerable to them. They rent but I own my condo and may have more concerns about it. Also, my beloved plants are outside and totally vulnerable. It may be that the thing to do is to just let Maureen take care of it. She is not a good person to have crossed. I probably am not either. I tried very hard to to work with them but I am done looking the other way and trying to help them. I probably need to just stay out of any trouble myself and let things play out. They will have to start following the rules, including the car and the cat, or they will have to find a new home - and finding a nice place to rent reasonably in a tourist town is hard enough with out having two pets, a child, and a recent history of an eviction notice for not following the rules. Even if they skip Maureen and use other references to try to get a place, people know Maureen because she's been a big realtor all over a small town for a long time, has been the property manager here for 20 years and she and her husband own a very popular pub. There are two rental property companies in town who handle majority of rentals here; Maureen naturally is very friendly with both of them, and the condo next door is handled by one of them. Of course there are private rentals, but not like this - with a pool that their daughter loves. But that's not my problem. My problem is that I worry too much and neither the grief nor the head injury had helped that any. I need to find a way to stop my obsessively ruminating thoughts because they give me headaches.

Sometimes I feel like I am unreasonably cranky - or can't tolerate things as well as I usually do. Sometimes it's hard to tell if it's grief or the head injury from the car accident. I live in a condo, so we share walls. It's a nice place and people live here because they want a quiet place that looks good. A young family lives next door; they've been there for three years-a couple and 8-yr old daughter. I have tried really hard to get along with these people, but they are people who don't like to follow the rules and blame any problem on someone else. There is a rule about letting any pet run loose, and their cat runs all over, poops where she wants, and she likes to taunt my cat through the window and leave white cat hair all over. I ignore it. They burn incense on their back patio, which bothers my allergies and I can't go outside when they are doing that. I've asked them to not do that and they told me I should keep my door closed if I didn't like it. So that's how it is. Sometimes I can't use my patio. Oh well. They have two cars and park one in their carport, but they cannot park in their garage because they are using it as a room. They have no legal place for them to put their second car, so they park it directly in front of both of our side-by-side garages. I have ignored this since I don't park in my garage anyway (it's stuffed). I asked them at the beginning of the summer to please park behind their other car somewhere else and not in front of my garage. They continued to park there, and acted very annoyed with me on the few occasions when I asked them to move their car because I needed access to my garage since I was moving (back in). Then there is the music; they like to listen to music with a loud bass that comes pounding through the wall. Sometimes things on the wall rattle. I have had a headache every day for about four months now since the car accident, and this is just too much. It didn't use to be a problem, but they have a new stereo and they are very enthusiastic about it. The first time I went over to ask them to turn it down, after I finally got a grownup to come to the door, the mother explained that her daughter and friend were having a dance party, as if I should be respectful and go home. I apologized and said I had a headache and would they please at least turn the bass down. After a while they turned it down. A little. This has happened several times. The last time, I called them and asked Adam if he would please turn it down because someone was coming to look at my dad's condo, as well as mine, and a walk through the neighborhood. I didn't want my friend's uncle to think it was like a college dorm in here. Adam said he was leaving in ten minutes and he would turn it down or off then - but not before. It was off only thirty seconds before my friend and his uncle got there. So today I was working on a report, with a headache which got worse and worse, because the music was louder than ever. Something snapped. I called Maureen the property manager and she came up, saw the car illegally parked behind my garage, listened to the pounding music, talked about the cat, went out back and was astonished at the level of the incense, etc. We went out and she took pictures of their car. I went next door to ask them to turn it down, with Maureen lurking behind me out of sight. Adam came to the door, looked at me and said, "No." It didn't quite register and I asked him to turn down the music. He responded, "I said no" and went on to tell me that the city noise ordinance didn't start until 10:00pm and I could call the police and they could explain it to me. Maureen showed herself and explained to him that the association has rules and so on. He started yelling at Maureen - that he didn't have to listen to her and making up stuff about how I was a terrible neighbor and very noisy and that I play the cello really loud all night night long. I said no, I sleep at night. I don't particularly like Maureen but she does a great job of keeping things in order. I don't mess with her, and not one with any sense does. This is a woman who has told people with a dog that barked when they left it during the day that they had to move, get rid of the dog, or have its vocal cords surgically removed. Really and truly. Shortly after Maureen left, they made a big production about moving their cars - she left in her car and he gave his horn a loud honk as he moved it away from my garage and into his own carport. So, I called Maureen later and she said not to worry - that she was going to work on getting them evicted (they rent their unit). But it's hard not to worry - I feel like I're started a war, after trying so hard to get along with these people for three years. As I write all this, I realize it makes no sense that this is my fault. But still it seems like I've become unreasonably cranky. Or maybe I'm just unreasonably long-winded...

The other "someone" would probably be my cat, Lena. This hasn't happened in a while, but there were a number of times in the beginning when he seemed to be playing with or teasing the cat and she was responding to that, suddenly zigzagging around in a way that is different from her independent bursts of energy. The things he has said to me are novel but relevant and not things I ever heard him say before. Also, the character of what he has said to me after his death is of a sweeter, gentler quality than when he was alive. He is also more effusive in his spirit state or whatever it is. He was more restrained when he was alive. I remember times when he had watched me doing something, like playing music in public, alone or with a group, and afterwards I went up to him and his face was wet with tears. I'd ask him what he thought and he'd say, "It was interesting". I found this very frustrating - obviously he was moved to tears and that's all he could say! "It was interesting" is a non-comment; it doesn't express any thoughts or feelings at all. I knew how he felt, but I wanted to hear the words. There were times when someone commented on my devotion to him and he would get choked up and say, "Oh, she's wonderful". Eventually, he would say that to me. We would be talking and I'd tell him (like I did many times) that I didn't want to be a selfish pig and keep him all to myself if he thought he'd enjoy the company of others in assisted living. I'd tell him that I'd do anything possible to support his choice and make it happen, although my personal preference was that he remain living less than two minutes from my door. And he'd say, "Oh, you've been wonderful!" Wonderful and Interesting - a two word vocabulary. From a truly brilliant man who wrote for a living. Huh. He is a lot more effusive now when he talks now, as if whatever was keeping his feelings in check and his words under strict control is gone or has shifted. He is a lot more expressive. I think it's interesting, but I'm not sure what that means. I just listen to him. The other thing I would say, in answer to your question to how I can distinguish his voice in spirit voice from the thoughts in my head is this. It's external and feels different. It's not exactly the same as another live person in the room, but it doesn't feel like my own thoughts. I do think that somehow it's coming through me but not from me. I think it's something that he is doing, but I have no idea how. And maybe that sounds crazy. Maybe it is. Schizophrenics say the same thing when you ask them to describe the "voices" they hear. They say it's different than their own thoughts because it is coming from outside their head, but it is also different from another live person in the room. I think that's why schizophrenics are so unnerved by "the voices" - they come clearly from outside themselves, but they don't see anyone and no one else can hear or see the source. I think there are a lot of things we just can't understand or explain. A lot of people agree with that, and they are more likely to experience things that cannot be explained by science. There are cultures in which it is generally believed that your loved ones come back or stay with you in a spirit form to guide you as a spirit guide or a guardian angel or just themselves, and in those cultures, it is a typical if not universal experience. People who believe everything can be explained by science seem to be less likely to experience "paranormal" occurrences. Until something happens that they cannot explain, which sometimes moves them into the other camp because it's something they can't ignore or deny that it happened. Hope that helps.

I had another dream about my dad. He clearly had come to visit me, and he brought my mother with him. She didn't really say anything, which was ok. He was there to help me and she just happened to be there. We were all down at my dad's house and his furniture was all still at my house, and so a minimum of furniture was at his place, as is true. Repeatedly since his death I have tried to remember what the combination was for the keyless entry for his car - now my car. I have also beseeched him to tell me what it is, and suggested to him that he should tell it to me in a dream or something. I have often wished that we had gone out in the car together so he could explain a few things. I have figured most of this out by now, except that blasted code! So in this dream, he was showing me something in a little paperback book and telling me something about how he remembered the code, but all I got out of it was part of his old phone number in PA. Then we went outside to the car and were standing under some ledge while it was pouring rain and he was pointing to the door of the car. Then he asked me if there was anything else he could do for me. I looked at him, thinking "Yeah - a ton of stuff!" But he looked at me and said, "No, not like that - like information", and I couldn't think of anything. He said not to worry, that he wasn't going to leave me stranded. And then he disappeared and I woke up. I walked over to the car, which was parked at his condo, first thing this morning, trying the part of his phone number that came from the dream. No luck. But my memory of his relating the code when he was alive was how he remembered the code based on its relationship to his old home phone number. I kept thinking about the book he was showing me. This afternoon it finally occurred to me that I should look in the owner's manual (little paperback book). It said the number was in three places, and the only one that seemed likely to find was on the underside of the trunk lid. I walked over, looked around in the trunk and finally stood under the trunk lid looking up at it, since it was starting to rain and right in front of my face was a sticker with a five digit number. I ran over to the door, punched in the number, and the door clicked! It worked! I have no idea what his system related to his old phone number - that part makes no sense to me, but no matter. Eight months and I finally got the number!

I'm glad you like it. I agree about the browns. I would have never done that since for me it's all color color color, but it looks great. It's interesting how people see things differently. Steve's framing is so elegant-it's really amazing. I learned how to cut a double mat and put it in a simple frame when I first learned to do watercolors. The teacher thought we ought to be able to mat and frame our work, and it has served me well, but I never got past that. All of my framing is the same. I have had solo shows of my work and framed all of it, but none of my paintings have ever been in anything as elegant as this! It's very cool to see what a pro can do...

That is very cool and quite classy - it looks great in there! I would have never framed it like that. I tend toward using the same colors in the painting and have gotten a lot of flack for the crazy colors. This is really interesting to see how you have framed them, because no one but me has ever framed my paintings and it's really interesting to see my paintings through someone else's eyes. It also makes me wonder if they would sell for more if the framing was more traditionally done and not so wild as my inclination.

Thanks-I'm so glad you like it!

Steve, it was great to meet you and very exciting that you came up in your plane! It was really nice to visit with you and it was fun talking about the wind and flying. Your framing is great and I am looking forward to the show.

The framing is great! The watercolor looks like it's breathing and even those oils look good. I can't wait to see what Steve does with the Hibiscus I painted in Maui.

Sorry Marty, that was a bit more than a little...but thanks for asking!