Clematis

Thanks, Kay, Marty, and George... The weirdest thing is - I feel kind of relieved. I should feel terrified about how I will survive, and demoralized or something. But I don't. I have some work right now - covering for another school psychologist who is on maternity leave until October 31, and then will have some part time work there for the rest of the year, kind of helping her out as she needs it. Also, I was paying a friend to help my work on the estate during the summer. I have moved, but there is still a lot of work to be done. I should do it myself, paying myself out of the estate rather than paying her. That will bring me some ongoing income for awhile, and I can scout for more work as things go along during the fall and winter. My friend Mike tells me that there is a shortage of school psychologists. Also, I am credentialed as a counselor and a counselor/psychotherapist and have 20 years of experience doing that. It's quite possible that something may come up - something closer to home. I need to work on networking and letting people know that I am available and what I can do. It is worrisome, but I am very relieved about not having to drive out to the reservation. It is such a brutal drive... maybe I can address my health issues a little better. It would be good for me to sleep more, exercise more, eat a better diet, and lose some weight. I should look into refinancing my condo and see if I can lower the payment. Maybe I could even paint some and play a little music...have more of a balanced life.

Well, it's now official...I did not get the work on the reservation...

So this is it - today's the day when I am supposed to find out whether I am going to continue working on the reservation or fall into an abyss of wondering how I will survive with very little income and little sense of what to do next...I feel paralyzed, but I have a lot to do.

Thanks! Unfortunately it's not all that unusual. It's hard to know why this sort of thing goes on. My friend Mike, who has worked for Michael off and on for twenty years has encouraged me to not despair because his experience is that there is always work and things change, even during the school year. I'm trying not to panic...

Yeah, five hours of commuting in one day is really tough. I generally do it only two days in a week. Sometimes it ends up that there are three days in one week that I go out there and it seems really brutal. It's especially bad when the days are back to back; I try to get them spaced out so that I have two days in between. Some people like to do two days back to back and they stay at the cultural center (which has a restaurant and small hotel in it). I could never do that because I had to come home to be available for my dad, as well as take care of Lena and my flowers-especially when it's hot you can't leave overnight without someone to water the plants. The job situation is unsettling and I'm trying not to panic. I talked to Michael and he finally talked to the principal of the school where I worked the last four years and hope to work again this year. She said that they got our bid and two others and have not even opened them. They plan to open them on Thursday, make a proposal to the board on Thursday night, and then let the three partied know who got the contract on Friday. School starts the following Monday...

I am not an employee of any of the schools where I work-I do contract work, where they pay me by the evaluation (as a school psychologist) or by the day (as a school counselor). I subcontract with a guy named Michael, who has been doing this for more than 20 years. Michael gets contracts with charter schools and small schools/districts that are too small to pay a full time employee, and then he subcontracts with people like me to do most of the work. The work is in Flagstaff and the vicinity, including two reservations. Generally these schools put out RFP's (Requests for Proposals) in late April - early May and professionals like counselors, school psychologists, speech paths, occupational therapists, and physical therapists put in bids to get the work. The reservation school where I had most of my work last year had a new principal and assistant principal, but we were in the middle of a two-year contract, and they just left it as it was. We think they put it out for bid because they thought they were paying too much money and could find someone else to do the work for less, but they didn't put out the RFPs until mid to late June. Michael has been providing services at this school for sixteen years and part of the reason is that his rates are very competitive. They pay less than a lot of schools pay that are in town or close to town. It's hard to get professionals who are willing to drive an hour and a half - or more - to do the work. For me, living in Sedona, my drive is two and a half hours each way - or maybe a little bit more. This year I have a contract with a school that is much closer, but I am covering for a school psychologist who is on maternity leave and so it is only for a few months. After that, I will be helping her since she is likely to be busy with a new baby, but she is coming back to work. I have been trying not to panic and trust that Michael will come up with some work for me. I have a friend - Mike - who has worked for Michael for almost 20 years off and on. He has sometimes left to work on his own contracts, and then returned to working for Michael. Mike says that Michael always has work for his people somewhere out on the two reservations, but it can change unpredictably and for no reason. Mike says that for the reservation schools to do something like this - deciding very late - is not unusual. I've been talking to Michael and he hasn't known anything. I'll talk to him later today. The district where I have my own contract wants to know what days I am available, and I can't tell them anything for sure. It's a little frustrating because I want to make a good impression. I hope I will be able to continue working there, even if it is only a little work...

Unfortunately, people don't want to pay much for paintings either, unless you have well-known name...selling your name. I'm sure I could sell a few paintings, but not at prices that would do much in the way of supporting myself, and it would be only a tiny fraction of what they are worth to me. I still have not heard about next year's work; the school where I worked last year and hoped to continue has not told us anything. And school starts a week from tomorrow. It's rather unnerving. I have been clearing out my email inbox, which is so cluttered that it makes the computer run really slow...sort of a digital version of my house and my dad's house after letting everything go for years while I took care of my dad while his health deteriorated. So I go flashing by these hundreds of emails that are nothing personal, but related to things we talked about, and it makes me sad. Or they are from the last six months since he has been gone, and therefore things we never had the chance to talk about since he's gone. Will it ever end?

I've noticed that as well. When I was young I was frequently devastated by this, because I would be thinking that this person and I were really friends, and then would realize that we had been work buddies and that was it. I have found the same thing to be true with musicians I have played with. The same people who couldn't have been friendlier and enthusiastic were nowhere to be found once the music situation ended or changed. I've also noticed that single women seem to be omitted from social situations. There doesn't seem to be a problem with having a stray male here and there, but a single female seems to be an intolerable threat, and it seems like it is often the women who are behind the excluding behaviors. I have often wondered if they ever gave a thought to the possibility that if they lost their mate they might find themselves in the same situation of being excluded and isolated. When my dad moved out here I wondered if that would change things, and amazingly enough, it did! People saw us as a duo and I had a lot more invitations for the two of us than I ever did alone. Marita, I feel for you. And even though I was not widowed - it was my dad that I lost - in a lot of ways, I might as well have been...

Thanks, Marty! Now there is a scary idea-moving to or from Hawaii; just the idea of the paring down one would have to do is frightening When I moved to Flagstaff, I came on the bus with a suitcase, and shipped my two bicycles in boxes and sent everything else in a large trunk. I used to be able to fit all of my sheet music in one small cloth bag with handles that I had made. Now it has an entire shelf and will not fit. And now there is a ton of stuff from generations before. I found a little bundle of letters from my mother's father to her mother when they were were courting, postmarked 1927-1928...just as an example. I now have several large photo albums from my parents' wedding. My sisters were talking about their portions of this stuff some time when we were together in the past year and were saying that Mother just hung onto all of that old family stuff way too long. By the time it got passed on, she was dead and we were at or near the point of paring down ourselves. When we were growing up and young adults, we were intrigued by all that old stuff because we knew those people-two generations above us and grew up listening to stories about the generation above them, and my mother would barely allow us to touch any of it. But the next generation didn't know any of those people and they don't want that stuff...

Thanks, George! I may have to wait. If I can't get my friends to do it by early next week, I'll call on my dad's handywoman. She and her crew were referred to my dad by my friend - one of the two that have been helping me with the house project. It will get in - I may just have to wait for a few days. I could also walk across the street and ask my neighbor if I could heat up something in her microwave over the next few days. She is about two years younger than my dad's age and I know she missed me while I was living down there for seven months. She probably wouldn't mind... You're right - it does feel really weird. Well, maybe tomorrow will feel better when I'm hopefully not so exhausted... I finally heard my dad say something to me..." the next time you go down to the other place you should bring my fire extinguisher back with you - you really ought to have one in the house".

Thanks, Kay... I appreciate it. The microwave is the kind that hangs from the cupboards over the range, and it requires two strong people-like men-to hold it up and install it. Also, the vent is supposed to somehow connect to the duct that leads to the outside. So I have no way to cook other than going down to my dad's house. Greg is out in CA shooting a movie or commercial or something (he's a camera assistant). He texted me he would be shooting a scene at the beach this evening and some other thing tomorrow. I think he'll be back here on Monday. So, for the most past I am back in my own house, with most of my own things that I need, aside from some minor details like clothing and a kitchen. I thought it would feel better to be here, but I feel devastated. Could be partly because I am totally exhausted from yesterday and spent most of the day on the couch - other than three appointments in the morning. Going down to my dad's house now feels horrible because he is so very much NOT there...it's just a dirty condo with tons of junk in it. And up here at my own condo, it doesn't look too mad, but it doesn't seem right either. I have lived my entire adult live across the country from my family, so my sisters' homes were full of family pieces that were handed down to them by my parents as they acquired nicer newer furnishings and also inherited things from my parents older relatives as they passed on. Meanwhile, I had nothing from the family. Now my house has only about six small items that my dad brought to me when he moved to AZ and only one item - a lamp - that I had before that. Everything else here was his and it doesn't seem right because he's not here. I haven't heard him talking to me yesterday when I was frantic with moving or today, exhausted from moving either. I think I need to hear from him that he got the memo that we were moving. I never summon him; he just shows up & talks. I asked Lena to try to contact him; I think animals may be closer to spirits than people. I got a lengthy response from the cat but I'm not sure what it all meant...

What a day! I had a lot of help and we moved some enormous pieces of furniture, like the sofa/hide-a-bed and tempurpedic bed I inherited from my dad. I ended up moving more than I wanted to or should have, but one of my helpers, a neighbor, got into a snit and bailed after we had arranged everything around him and gotten behind the eight ball accommodating his schedule. He made it pretty clear that he did not want any input from me about how any aspect of moving my possessions should be done. I have three tall pieces with glass in them...all are sentimental family items, two are quite old, and one is valuable. I wanted them moved lying down so that there would be zero chance of them falling and shattering the glass. My neighbor said he had formerly worked in moving and storage and was an expert. When it came to one of these tall pieces leaving the bedroom, my friend suggested carrying it on its side rather than upright, but my neighbor said, no, they should carry it upright and got it close to the doorway, from where it was really obvious that the piece would not fit through even without its little spire, but he was going for it anyway. I said, "It's not going to fit upright" and he said it was, because the spire comes off. I told him, "no it doesn't come off" (I had already tried this). He tried to wrest it loose with no success and when he realized he was wrong he announced, "All right-that's it! I'm out of here" and stormed off. The piece was 3-1/2 inches taller than the doorway... Apparently he was having some problem with his driver's license and not proving insurance, and could not resolve it at the DMV that was close by, but had to drive over the mountain at the county seat, 1-1/2 hours away. I think he was upset before he even came over (four hours after the time he said he would come), but that was not my fault or a good reason to treat me like a child and demolish my furniture. Well, I hope he gets over it. I always thought he was a nice guy...hopefully he was just having a bad day. Well anyway, I am back in my own house - mostly - and the cat and I seem to have survived it. I am really really sore. Unfortunately there a few problems aside from the fact that there is too much furniture in here. The big persian rug got shoved around when the sofa/bed came in and has big wrinkles in it. Also someone insisted on removing the lampshades from every single lamp, and the little top-nut that secures the shade vanished when I removed it to put the shade back on...probably under the sofa/bed that I cannot move. The worse problem, however, is that I can't really use the kitchen here because the guys could not get the microwave in...they ran out of time and then discovered that the holes did not match the screws in the new microwave. So they left the microwave sitting on top of the range, leaving them both useless. I guess I have to go down to my dad's house if I want to cook or heat anything. Well, I suppose it's temporary...but I sure canoe install a microwave over the stove by myself.

Thank you! I think I have eight minutes before my pals start showing up. Probably time to slip my laptop into its pack and...uh-oh--that's four minutes!

Hard to believe this is my last night at my father's house...

The mother of one of my best friends is one of the most charming, yet narcissistic people I have ever known. Her biggest talent in life has been making friends and pulling people together socially, whether in casual contact, initial meeting, parties, or anything else. Nevertheless, she has always managed to pull people together around HER, and has had them enjoying it, all over the world. Anyway, she once told me that some people live to serve and others live to be served. She was pointing out that I am in the former category and she was in the latter. She meant this as a put-down for me but I I didn't take it like that. Also, in spite of her focus on wanting to be waited on like a princess, she has a generosity of spirit that has brightened up the world around her and helped a lot of others, even if her ultimate purpose was to have them end up fluttering around her...People are interesting. So, tomorrow is moving day...I worked on packing and getting things ready all day today - and a long day...except for going to see the Chiropractor and OTs (saw a little of both of them today). The OTs and Chiro all had the same thing to say to me - they wanted to hear me say that I am supervising the moving and not planning on hauling stuff myself. Today was a long day, but the hardest thing I did was to empty this corner cupboard into 8 boxes, employing 5 rolls of bubble wrap...I had plenty of supervision, as you can see here...

Well, like it or not, I have been relying and leaning on others a lot lately...I feel badly about it sometimes, but no one else seems to think it's a problem. I think helpers are the hardest to help--those who spend their lives serving others have a tough time receiving help from others. From my personal experience and work as a home health care social worker it seems that the most resistant to being helped are retired teachers, social workers, and nurses... You try to tell them that they've been helping everyone in sight for 60 or 70 years and maybe it's their turn to be on the receiving end it gets you nowhere. I hope I'm not that bad... Also, I think the job I had laid out before me this summer was a whopping big one for anyone with any sentimentality at all. I suppose that for a person who wasn't attached to anything-like someone who handles estate sales and only has to sort between things of value and no value (sell/donate/toss) it might not have taken so long. But we each had a 900 sq foot condo (not including the one-car garage and outside storage closet, and both of them were packed.

Hello OkCrew. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. It sounds heartbreaking as well as frustrating. My mother died 11 years ago...and it seems to me that the root cause of it was a lifelong habit of no exercise. My dad and I spent years trying to get her to be more active, but she just wouldn't do it. My dad died in January from Parkinson's Disease, that he probably acquired through his career, which involved a lot of work with pesticides. So he spent his life taking care of his family doing work that eventually risked his life, although I don't think that was general knowledge at the time he really had high pesticide exposure. I had ten years with my dad after my mother passed away. I took care of him and we became very close. Losing parents that you are close to can be a devastating loss. In the end, the details seem a lot less important than the terrible reality that your mom - and my dad - are gone. Nevertheless, it's hard to stop oneself from looking back and thinking of all of the "what if" questions and scenarios. For me it has been six months since my dad died, and I still can't believe he's really gone and he's not coming back. It's hard to know how I'll go on without him, even though I know that I have lived independently most of my adult life. Well, hang in there...it's a long road dealing with a devastating loss like you have had, but if you keep coming back here to this site, you will find sympathetic companions who are on the same path as you, one way or another. I've found the site to be of great comfort and support. I hope you do as well...

Thanks George! New information...what is that? I have so appreciated the companionship, support, and understanding of my friends online and also those where I live, who have been helping me. I frequently don't understand what I am going through and fear that people will judge me for being such a basket case. That hasn't actually happened-people understand more than I would ever have imagined in my wildest dreams. Also, it was a great relief to hear from my younger sister, and that she acknowledged that my slogging through this giant project of handling my father's estate and consolidation of our possessions into one condo is a staggering load on top of grieving and a head injury. Being patient with myself is a bit of a foreign concept. My tendency is to push myself as if I were whipping a horse...and if I am not doing that I feel horribly guilty about not pushing myself like a maniac. This summer I have watched a lot of movies from Netflix and the library in the evening because I am too tired to do anything else and on any given day I probably spent a fair amount of time crying in addition to whatever else I did.

Thanks! Sometimes I think I'm being a baby and ought to be doing more--like a lot more! But I kinda know that's unrealistic. My employment is a little unclear for the upcoming school year, which is approaching very quickly. I can't tell if I'm more concerned that I won't have enough work or that I will have too much work or that I won't be able to do it (cognitively) and end up in deep doo doo in the long run. I'm trying to not think about it since there is nothing to do but wait. Anyway, I keep thinking about the period of time after my dad purchased his condo and when he actually moved into it, which was about six months. It was so empty and void of anything except my painting of his garage that summer, which took forever since I only worked on it in the early mornings when it was still cool. I thought a lot about how it would feel if he died before he could make it out to AZ to occupy his condo, and how it would feel if he came out here only to die. I couldn't tell which would be worse. As it turns out, we had ten great years of deepening out relationship and being family and company for each other, and the pain of losing that is without a doubt worse than either of the scenarios that I had feared.

Sounds interesting...I just now ordered it on Amazon and look forward to its arrival.

Thank you, Marty-that's very sweet of you. I really appreciate your help. Things seem so hard right now, leaving his house, dealing with the uncertainties of my employment, coping with the aftermath of a head injury, and moving. Moving...as if that were just a little detail after some other stuff... Maybe this week I'll finally get to services on Shabbat and say Kaddish for him. I'm not much of a practicing Jew now, but I've been thinking about it every week since he died in January. I've said Kaddish for him here alone, but not at temple. My dad wasn't Jewish-I'm a convert, or this would have been different all along. I loved the temple in Tucson and it was a great comfort to me, but the one here is foreign territory. Still, it might be good to go...

I feel like I am back at the beginning, but maybe that's not really true. I went out to eat and an outdoor concert with my friend who has been helping me and her husband. We were talking about this and she pointed out that while the car accident was a significant setback, I am still doing a lot better than I was at the start. This was good to hear. I don't necessarily feel it, but if someone outside of me sees a positive change, it is probably real

Sometimes - well frequently, really - it occurs to me that all I have done is sit around my dad's condo and cry for the last six months. But then I am reminded that I worked my regular job for the first four months, and then for the last two months I have been working on the estate, jettisoning most of my furniture and tons of other stuff, and getting ready to move. Patty and Marg - you both have had Herculean loads and are holding up and trudging along because there doesn't seem to be any choice. I suppose I am as well...but it often seems like I am just moping around feeling sorry for myself. Patty, I can really relate to what you are saying. I had a second degree burn that is finally going away, and all these blows to the head on top of the car accident (the woman who dropped the rear window from a pickup camper shell, and the woman who clobbered me on the head at a produce stand when I was in Maui)...I have had so many days when It seems like I can't stop crying. I walk back and forth between my dad's condo and my own every day to water the plants, hoping that if I just wear sunglasses no one will notice...

I feel like I'm saying goodbye to my dad again...moving seems like such an unknown, which seems very odd because I'm moving back into my own condo where I've lived for 11 years. But it isn't really the same, because for ten of those years my dad was a minute and a half away, and now instead of him I have his furniture. I also no longer have my own furniture and all that stuff I'm familiar with. I suppose I'll get used to it, but it seems like a lot of unknown territory...

Is that how it goes? Six months feels as the beginning? I guess it's also worse because I'm moving at this particular time, Also, the school year is about to start, I don't know where I'll be working, and my safety net is gone... It's scary and makes me feel like I'm in free fall