Clematis

My house is partly painted, and everything is falling into line. Most of my old furniture is not out on the carport or outside end of the garage, waiting to be "re-homed". Saturday, Monday and Tuesday to finish painting. Maybe Wednesday as well. Appliances arrive on Wednesday. Carpet gets laid on Thursday. Next Friday through the next Monday I'll probably do some packing of my stuff at my dad's into boxes...getting ready to move. Tuesday July 26, the rug cleaners bring the persian rug back and Wednesday the 27 is moving day; I have a truck with a ramp reserved and about five people - at least three men - lined up to help. There are things that are apparently very difficult to get rid of - like refrigerators and used beds, even if they are in good shape. Anyway, I have been working hard at finding new homes for these things, by either giving them away or selling them for very little. It's a huge relief to finally be getting rid of these large items, and getting the painting done and whatnot... But I am so....tired!

Marg - I'm sure you feel like Jello because Jello=Exhaustion. Bravery is what you call what's required to be doing what you have been doing. I don't think anyone feels brave when they're exhausted from working really hard while their world and everyone in it seems to be collapsing. I think that if you saw someone else going what you've been doing given your situation, you would probably be saying something like, "Wait right there-I'm gonna go get you a stretcher!"

I am on a waiting list to see a neurologist. They only book appointments three months out, and it is taking people 4-6 months to be seen. The neurologist in Prescott left, which was probably good. My dad was him and he didn't do much. Then he saw a neurologist in Cottonwood and he was great, but he is now gone. Now there is only thing place in Flagstaff, which is really overbooked. By the time I can get in, there will probably be not much reason to go. I am seeing a chiropractor twice a week and a speech path once a week. I also see an OT twice a week. I am getting better and now am strong enough to work hard physically all day so that I am totally exhausted by the end of the day by what I did, and totally overwhelmed by how much there is still yet to do before I get back in my house. I am so tired... I wish I was living in some house that was in some order and had my own car and felt like I had some ordinary semblance of a life. My car is getting repaired and I was driving my dad's Mercury Grand Prix from 1993 in the meanwhile, but it was really getting to me. It's huge and unfamiliar, and floats around on the road. So they gave me a loaner, since the repair that was to take 3-4 days is taking more than two weeks. So I got this other car-the loaner- and that was great, but I don't know this car at all. My friends were painting until 10:00pm and I went out to get pizza. When I got to the pizza place I couldn't get out of the car. It took me awhile because it was dark and there doesn't seem to be any dome light, even then you do get the door open, so then it's hard to figure out how to lock it-or unlock it. And the passenger door has no keyhole, so you can't unlock it from that side. It's some Nissan mini SUV hatchback thing. I hope it gets easier. I won't get my own car back for another week. The grocery store is only a mile away and the milk ran out, but I don't feel comfortable going over there at night. What if I can't get out of the car again? If I had my own car I would just get in and go, and I could have milk at my house in about five minutes. But not today... It's a little thing, but it just seems like too much, after everything else. My friends that are helping me have gotten into some intensive efforts to micromanage me and arguing because I won't do something the way they want it, arguing incessantly until I can provide a sufficient reason why I am doing something a certain way. It is very weird having my friends badgering me in my house until I can convince them that I have a good reason to do some little thing--in my own house! I have lived alone for a long time, and having this go on is really stressful, as if I needed any more stress than I already have. I have no idea if I am going to have a job in a few weeks and being really freaked out because it's too much to do, or panic stricken that I have no income. Also there are other things. I was supposed to pick up a script from my Dr.'s office today but forgot, I was supposed to pick up my taxes from the accountant today - or maybe it was the day before. There is a problem with the utilities - one at one house and one at the other - like a deadline where it will be cut off but I can't remember which problem goes with which house. Also, I have some insurance/medical bill stuff I have to straighten out for both my dad and myself and I can't remember what the status was for each of us. Ao now my dad's house is totally cluttered with my stuff on top of his, and mine is empty except the garage is stuffed. I am also supposed to be keeping track of the furniture and stuff that is being sold or gotten rid of by Craigslist or FreeCycle...lots of emails and phone calls but no furniture has left the house yet. How do you get rid of used mattresses? Who knows? Just too many things to deal with...and my dad's house! I have to figure out what to do about that...how long do I keep paying the mortgage if it's probably going to foreclose. If I do a regular sale, they will want me to do all kinds of stuff and it will cost me a lot of money just to sell it because the mortgage is about what it's worth. I don't what to forfeit $10-20,000 just to get rid of it. But I am still living in it...but not for long. But then I will still need it to sort out whatever didn't fit into my house. How long will it take to do that if I am working will time. Maybe I should be worrying about my job, or the house-which house? It's just too much for one person to do at once.

Moving is hell, huh? I am just heading into it in about a week. We are working on the painting, then the carpet comes, the rug comes back, and then I actually move. I have been so focused on how to get these other things done that I haven't even figured out how to do the actual moving. I am hoping that once the painting and carpeting are done the rest may be more apparent and happens quickly, because I really hope I am at a point where I am able to find my basic stuff by the time I go back to work, assuming that I am going back to work, which is somewhat uncertain... Well, good luck, Marg, my moving buddy! I am so exhausted I can hardly move, and I don't thing I've even hit the hardest stuff yet.

If I didn't have people helping me, I would be absolutely nowhere. They have helped me SO much! I just don't get much done on my own...and after the accident I was on restriction for some time. I think I'm still supposed to be careful, and if I do too much I get a headache...

Thanks, Kay! It also had a $10 bill in it, which no bout had been there all along but still felt like a gift. Yeah things are really bad. I went to sleep crying last night, but woke up with Lena lying in my arms purring. We have almost everything out of my own condo and are prepping to paint. After the paint, the blue carpet and new fridge and microwave come in, the blue persian rug returns from the cleaner, and I can move my dad's furniture, and all of my stuff that I brought with me to his condo along with s lot of his stuff back up to my house. Then, his house will no longer be his house. Actually it has already changed a lot since there is so much clutter, and that persian rug is gone. I think it really hit me when that rug was picked up by the cleaners, one day before the six month mark... I am panicked and feel like I am in free fall. I am also wearying of having people push me. We are all being pushed by the time frame but all the constant questions and interruptions are getting to me...

I found a card that my dad gave me a few years ago that said inside, "You are amazing-stepping out every day with the grace and love to do what needs doing. Even when life asks so much, you respond with the patience to see things through. No one could have a more loving and thoughtful daughter, and you deserve to be celebrated! So, happy day, sweetheart-happy week, happy year, happy always. Love, Daddy" What a treasure-I think it means so much more now than it did when he gave it to me. He really did love me. He told me when I was a teenager, "No one will ever love you as much as your parents do". I think he was referring to himself more than my mother, and I think he was right. I had no idea... He gave me so much advice and assistance all throughout my life, and when I was young I just took it-and him-for granted. I hear him talking to me every day, and I still miss him like crazy. I knew I would miss him but I had no idea it would be like this. I go to sleep every night missing him and often crying, and every morning the first thing that hits me is that he's gone. It was six months today since I lost him and I wonder how I am going to get through my life like this...

Yeah, here's to some nice dad dreams! I had a funny experience about my dad last Saturday. I was getting ready to go out to dinner and a free outdoor concert on Saturday night with two friends, and I heard my dad tell me, "better take some cash with you. If you have to take some from that money from my account"-it was in a drawer, and so I took $20 out of the drawer since I had only $5 in my wallet-kinda typical-I usually rely on my debit card. So we got to the restaurant and the first thing they said to us was that their computer was down and they were only taking cash-no debit/credit cards. Maybe you will get some good advice from your dad in a dream-like to not let your mother ruin any more of your days or nights-enough already! I'm glad you were able to have the time with him that you did, and it really sounds like your son has had a clear view of the family dynamics for a long time! That is rather remarkable for a ten-year-old.

Miri, I have seen so many similar stories that are so similar on this site, and I have to say I find it utterly bizarre, although it seems to be common. I really really do not think it is your fault in any way. I don't understand it. My dad died in January, and I have had the experience of having several people dump me as I was grieving-my sisters and a friend of 30 years. I have tried very hard to not alienate anyone, even though I have been more emotional and less stable than usual during the last months. I can't imagine voluntarily taking on any more loss of connection at this point-to toss away support from someone close to me. So, I am responding, not because I have any light to shed from personal experience, but to share my viewpoint that receding and isolating is a way of dealing with grief that is foreign to me and probably to many people. I have worried about clinging too much to people in my grief-the opposite extreme to dumping someone close to me because I am grieving...I don't get it, and I am sorry you have been going through this-it sounds excruciating.

Oh Patty, I feel for you...you are working so hard you are exhausted, and you are grieving, which is exhausting in of itself. I think that feeling is part of exhaustion- the "I just don't know why I am doing it anymore". Grief can make you wonder if there is any purpose in anything-even in your life, because a big part of what gave your life purpose is forever gone. Sometimes the only thing you can do is just put one foot in front of the other on the path you're on-and you're doing a great job of the putting one foot in front of the other. I used to do a lot of hiking in the Grand Canyon, mostly alone. Later, looking back on it I got this idea that life is like hiking out of the Canyon alone. In some parts you have a great view and you can not only see where you are going, but where you are going, and you feel fabulous about your accomplishments. But there are other times when you have no view-in front of you or behind-and it's steep and it's hot and you have no idea when it will ever end or if you will even make it. And then you come around a corner and can see the giant hill you just climbed and you know you did something amazing. But you're not there yet. Neither am I. But we will be. Somehow you will get through this, even though it's hard to even imagine. I can't imagine how I will get through the next year, finishing up on my condo so I can move back in, finishing up with my father's estate, getting rid of enough stuff so that what is left of mine and my father's stuff will fit into my own condo, going back to work and working professionally as a school psychologist and school counselor very full time while still dealing with the estate, possibly losing most of my income halfway through the semester, and all the other unknowns. But somehow I will get through it, even though I have no idea how (Oh yeah-one step after the other), and so will you. Somehow I will be painting flowers again next summer...it may be in Hawaii again, like I did the last two summers, and it may be three feet from my front door. But I'll be painting flowers new spring because it's what I do. And by the way, we are in your real life...Here is proof-I painted this last summer at the cactus garden at Kapiolani Community Community College at Diamond Head at Waikiki. That is my cat Lena, who is actually black, but here she is white, to go with the subtle colors of the desert rose. Hang in there Patty. You're doing it even if you don't feel it. I also feel like I'm stuck in quicksand, but no one else sees it like that. Laura

Maybe we're sisters! No, actually our mothers have a lot of company. I have struggled with what I have in common with my mother. Mercifully, she has been gone for 11 years, which has made it easier to come to grips with some things, and realize that some of the things I inherited from her genetically are good-like being an artist. The worst "mirror" I have related to my mother is my sisters. They have this thing going where if they have a transaction with me in which they feel the way they felt with my mother, it means that I might as well be Mother because they feel the same way. And since they agree on this, they must be right. It sucks! So I worked hard to help them both and get my dad to help them financially after my mother died, since neither of them has much of an ability to support themselves financially...they were raising children while was developing my career and ability to support myself. They both ended up divorced, although the younger one now has remarried. So, silly me-I thought that If I helped my sisters and got our father to help them financially after my mother died, that they would like me more. I took care of my dad for his last ten years, by coaxing him into moving across the country, to their extreme relief. Also, taking care of him all those years so that he could stay at home meant that he did not spend down every dime he had by living in assisted living, and so there is a little money for all three of us that would have otherwise been gone years ago. I figured that my sisters would appreciate all of that, but they do not. It has made them feel much more negatively towards me. I was never trying to make them feel bad-I just wanted to help my sisters because I loved them and was concerned about them. But my generosity towards them made them feel inadequate and inferior, just as my mother's cruelty, endless criticism, and stinginess did. They look at me and see my mother because they feel the same, and they are punishing me for the way she treated them and made them feel, because at some level they voted and decided that I am her. Then when my dad named me executor, it was more than they could take, so they told me I was just not nice to them and stopped speaking to me. Marita, sorry that was kind of long-winded, but I don't think that I am my mother and I don't think that you are yours either. If you resemble her, that is unfortunate given your feelings and history with her, but it doesn't mean that you act like her or are much like her. You are a different person and it sounds like you have worked hard to be your own person and not repeat her legacy. You probably have not, and your son probably is aware of that. Growing up with narcissistic parents is one of the most difficult ways to begin life. I feel for you, Marita. It makes everything harder, having what you and I had in the way of "mothering".

Patty, are you still having problems with your new partner? I know you're really struggling to keep your business and deal with some really aggravating situations along with your grief. It would be really great if we could take a vacation and let a lot of things go while grieving...it's really tough to add that to what would be a heavy load by itself. I know I feel like I have way too much stress and stuff going on right now, and you do too! Anyway, we are here for you and interested in anything you want to share about what's going on out there...

Mitch, the last thing I want to do is to give you or anyone a sleepless night. Working in a written format is sometimes challenging because all you have is the words and no body language or voice tone and inflection to help your real meaning. If we were in a car, you were driving and I was giving you directions and I pointed to the left and said "turn right-right there after that blue house", you would know what I meant, or would at least wonder about it. But if I wrote you directions that said "turn right after the blue house" you would just turn right after the blue house. Unless you didn't really need the directions anyway and you also know that I barely know my right from my left. We are just having a little discussion about semantics on the side of what we are are really doing (dealing with grief). I believe that words have meaning and power. Using words that say the opposite of what you mean can be confusing, and all I am doing is saying that. I am not upset (as I was when asked why I was posting on the Spouse forum since I had not lost my spouse), and I am really not trying to upset anyone else. I am only suggesting that thinking about wording is worth the effort because it's all the reader really has, unless they know you well and know that you may say the opposite of what you mean. Brad, I am totally with you that this is a safe place where we don't have to censor our thoughts and feelings. Nevertheless, I think it is worth taking a little care with the wording so that we don't inadvertently offend someone. All of us do that all that all the time...we don't refer to people of given races by certain words, and we don't talk about the mailman anymore-it's the mail carrier (it's kind of weird if you are a female mailman - like a female male man?) We used to use the words "man" and "men" instead of "people"..."to all men everywhere" for example. I think it was a to shorten more then exclude women, but you don't see "men" used as an exact synonym for "people" like you used to. You can certainly use the same words and say that this is the "Spouse forum" for the "select few who have lost their one and only true soul mate". I am only pointing out that this language looks very exclusionary-it sounds like "all others keep out", although I totally believe that is not what you mean. I have found comfort, acceptance, affection and support here and it has been so helpful to me I cannot even begin to express how important and helpful it has been to me. All I am doing is suggesting that if we say the opposite of what we mean, some people may be confused and others may be upset and turn away...and I don't think that is what any of us want. We may have to just agree that we disagree on this word usage...and it's nothing more than that.

Karen, I live in Arizona as well, and I agree-having a lawn is kinda crazy, but not as crazy as being expected to have a perfect lawn here. Also, once you have one it sure is a pain in the neck and a big expense to get it switched over to desert landscaping. I have been fortunate in not having that situation my self; when I lived in Tucson the house I bought had a desert landscaped yard with no grass, and now, in Sedona I'm in a condo and have gravel and whatever I plant in pots on the patios. The Homeowners Association property manager is always unhappy about what she sees as an excess of plants/flowers at my house. Unfortunately for her, the rules do not specify an exact number of plants and while it does say they have to be in pots, it doesn't specify how expensive the pots have to be. Also, the neighbors-most of them-really enjoy the flowers. I had a neighbor tell me that I must be a plant hoarder because I have at least 20 of them. I told her, well I paint flowers-it's what I do. So, if I was wanting to paint flowers on that day, for example, how many choices would I have today? About three out of the 20 had a bloom that was open that day, which is pretty typical. And in the winter when the plants are mostly dormant the mgr complains that they are mostly dead. I guess she never took a science class, or she would realize that if they have buds, they are alive and if they have some green stems or leaves, they are not dead either. This is Arizona; it gets really hot in the summer, and in many parts it gets too cold in the winter. It is not Hawaii here.

What sweet pictures of a lovely cat-I especially like the one in the snow. Cats are such a treasure in one's life-especially if it's just you and your cat at home. It makes such a difference to have someone to come home to. I hope maybe a new kitty will find his or her way into your life and heart. One does not replace another, but would help you to get through your days and nights.

I am sorry to hear of the painful times you have had with your "maternal unit". My mother was really awful, but mercifully she was the one who went first, and then I was able to have ten years of being able to finally get to know my dad as himself, and not as a satellite around my narcissistic mother. After losing my dad in January I am in the position of having to consolidate my dad's and my condos of equal size into mine, with no assistance, support, or even contact from my sisters, who got their share of the family "stuff" after my mother died 11 years ago. The deal was that whatever my dad selected to take to AZ with him would be my part, but I would have to wait for it. I would have been happy to wait forever if it meant having him around, but alas, he is gone and I have this monstrosity of a job of dealing with his stuff. Fortunately I've had help from friends. I've paid them to help, but it's been way better than having my sisters involved and interfering at every step. So, today I ran across a little plaster cast of my hand that I had done in Kindergarten with my name and the year. It was very cute, but it was broken down the middle. It also reminded me of a remark that my mother made once to me when I was in my mid 20's or so. She was complaining about how awful it had been to have us bring home all these little crafty items we made in school and how they were always cheap and messy and she had been put in the uncomfortable position of knowing that she was supposed to act enthusiastic about all that trash and junk, when the only ones we ever gave her that she liked were those little plaster hand casts. (No one taught us how to make diamond earrings in grade school). Anyway, I was surprised to see it and don't remember how it came to be in my possession-no doubt after my mother's death. I had such mixed feelings when I saw it, I wasn't sure if I should glue it together or heave it at the rock wall behind the house. I related my story to Greg, who gently took it away from me and said he would fix it up for me, because it was a cute reminder that I had once been a small child and that had been my tiny hand, which had nothing to do with my icky mother. Marita, it is really awful to have a mother who has treated you like yours has...I can really sympathize with you. I think it makes other things in life more difficult because you didn't start life with the nurturing support you should have had - the nurturing support from parents - especially a mother - to give you a firm foundation and belief that you really had value because she saw such value in you. I would encourage you to remember that the way she treated you was never your fault and you deserved much better. You are really going through a lot, in dealing with your current loss under the shadow of your early history. I feel for you...

Anne-I love this article! I feel sometimes crushed to the core that all of my live with my family is all gone. My parents are gone, along with their siblings and everyone in the generations before them. And my sisters are not speaking to me for reasons you've all heard plenty about. So sometimes I feel like everything is gone and I am just going through the motions of what I am supposed to do until I am gone as well. Then, other times I feel like I could just go back to my favorite parts and just be there as I was, but without the anxiety of worrying about what was next or what someone might do that would hurt me because I already know what happens next and how it comes out in the end. Just like a scene in a favorite movie or book. But it's still sad because it's all over as if all of the movies/books had been made/written and watched/read, and there would never be any more.

In what way are things deteriorating? Are you still having problems with your business partner? It sounds like you feel very discouraged...

...the only problem is that either I don't belong here by that definition, or I am claiming that my father is my soul mate, which I am definitely not doing. Or maybe there is a clique that is the special few within the forum to which the others in the forum do not belong. That doesn't sound good... Either the words are deliberately meant to exclude someone like me, or they are not the best words, which is what I am suggesting. I have really lost my entire family. Who can say that I am suffering less-or more- than someone who lost their mate, but still has children, parents, grandchildren, siblings, or some kind of family? I have known two different women who found themselves in impossible marriages to men who had substance abuse and serious psychological problems, and as they were planning on leaving, their husbands committed suicide. I'm sure neither would say they lost their soul mate, but they really really suffered-in part because they were blamed for the suicide.

I understand that it is no one's intent to exclude me or anyone else, but "the select few" is the language of exclusion. "The ones who were in a relationship with their one and only true soul mates" is rather specific, especially when you string it all together in the same context as "Spouse forum" and "select few. My dad and I were not soul mates, but I think I share many of the same issues that most of you do. Sometimes things do not apply to me. For example, when someone is posting about the empty place in the bed, I step back and don't comment, because this is not part of my experience. Nevertheless, I believe that I am on the same path from a significant loss. I have felt comfort, acceptance, affection and support from everyone here, and I did not mean to offend anyone by commenting on the language. I cannot even begin to say how helpful this site has been to me in my grief journey. I would also be quick to point out that I have a long history of being excluded in multiple scenarios has made me sensitive to exclusion and even hints of exclusion. I was also trained as a social worker to be vigilant about language that might seem exclusionary. They really worked us over! Anyway, I just think it's worth it for anyone to think about language and how it may inadvertently come across. I am relatively new and don't have the history to understand that some words here have special meanings that no one could guess. Because "The Spouse forum" sounds like "Spouses only"; to say "This forum" would probably work if you wanted to shorten it, or "Spouses etc" would be less cumbersome than the whole thing. "The select few" sounds like a few who were selected for some reason, and when you specify that means "soul mates" it starts to sound pretty specific. My dad and I were not soul mates, but his loss has been devastating to me. I also realize that you may not agree with my comments about language usage, and that's ok too. A forum is inherently for discussion, and we may not always all agree.

Thanks, Mitch, I appreciate that, and even though I don't know you personally, you seem kind, warm and supportive... Nevertheless, this sentence seems to exclude... "The members here at the Spouse forum are the select few. The ones who were in a relationship with their one and only true soul mate"... but perhaps the way it is worded is not what you really meant, and that happens to anyone. I frequently say right when I mean left and everyone does. And at this point any of us may be oversensitive to various things... Laura

It is very sad, Kay, and I really feel for you. When I lost Mitten and thought I would never again have a cat, for a long time I would see something out of the corner of my eye and whirl around thinking it was Mitten, only to see a black sweater. And Freya-she was totally lost with no explanation and since she had disappeared before-once for 11 days and then for 11 months-and I got her back. So I had a really hard time believing she was gone. I had dreams about her for years, where we would be running towards each other in a field of flowers like a movie scene and she would leap into my arms. Finally I started talking myself when I woke up from these dreams, "You have to stop doing this-Freya would be more than 20 by now, and cats that are primarily outdoors don't live that long!" Some cats really do leave their paw prints on your heart. Freya really was pretty wild-I was her one-and-only and it was really an honor. And Lena is friendly to everyone, but it is clear that I am "it" and she trusts me, not only to be kind to her, but to make the world around her a safe place. It is really an honor to have the love and trust of a small animal that lives in our world without even the ability to open a can or a door. I know you had a strong bond with Miss Mocha and she was a unique cat. All cats are furry little miracles and a walking statement of grace and beauty, but some are much more so...

Mitch, I agree with you on this, but would comment that the forum is for the loss of Spouse, Partner, or Significant Other. I know quite a number of couples who have not married but are as close as many who are not married. I had a great aunt who lived with another woman -Helen- for forty years - it was a third set of grandparents to me, but in those days no one even talked about gay relationships, let alone let them become spouses. I like the feeling of inclusion that this forum seems to be arranged for - it seems to be for people who are staggering under really significant loss without getting into nitty gritty details about whether you were sexually involved, and if so married, and if so soul mates. I'm not sure that anyone could say that my great aunt's parter of forty years suffered less than a given married person when my great aunt died. Helen had diabetes, was legally blind, could barely walk, and had a pile of other medical problems. Not only that, my family (primarily my mother) forced Helen out of the house within two weeks because the house had been exclusively owned by my great aunt, and then by my mother and her sister. It has been three decades and I still cringe at what happened to Helen because it was not only excruciating in her loss but by the cruel treatment she received afterwards. If that happened today, should she be excluded from this forum because they never married - were not spouses or even blood relatives?

I have a neighbor across the street who seems to think I should be getting me a man. I went to Hawaii last summer (for a week!) and she was all excited for me that maybe I would meet a man there, and so of course when I got back she wanted to know if I had met anyone. I find this very annoying, but this woman is very sweet to me and she really really likes me. I responded with great enthusiasm and told her all about a very interesting homeless man I met there who lived under a an enormous bush like an upside-down bowl in a park where I eventually went every afternoon to paint flowers. He had a bed laid out in there and a bunch of other stuff, and would close up the hole he used to crawl in and out of. Not only that, there was a bigger park across the street that had a bathroom he could use! And he collected flowers from the plumeria trees and made them into leis and sold them on the streets. He kept being arrested because he didn't have a vendor'e license (he couldn't get one because the bush in the park didn't count as an address), but they never kept him long, so he could go home to his bush and keep making and selling his leis. He also had a lot of interesting stories to tell me, like about how cities in CA used to sometimes take a homeless mentally ill person and offer them a one-way ticket to Hawaii, figuring they would never be able to come back. So this year when I went to Hawaii, she asked me if I met anyone, and I told her that no, since I was with friends most of the time, it wasn't like last year when I was alone more and had opportunities like when I met the man who lived under the bush, and started into the details of his life again. My neighbor smiled, laughed, and asked me about my flower painting. She didn't want to hear anymore about the guy who lived under the bush. I'm not making this up! I have also responded that I already have a boyfriend (Mister Cello). Isn't he adorable? He's a perfect boyfriend-he only makes music and is charming company. And the only time he complains would be if I left him in a hot car-and I wouldn't do that... Of course it might seem ridiculous to claim that my cello is my boyfriend, but it really isn't any more ridiculous than their assuming I want their advice about how I need a boyfriend.

I'm not sure if it's true or not, but it's a nice thought. It's interesting that this occurred to me while I am pondering the significance of this very question. What lies behind me with me dad is now within-in the form of memories. What lies before us? Nothing? Or something? I don't know. Nevertheless, I was getting ready to go out to dinner and a free outdoor concert on Saturday night, and my dad told me, better take some cash with you. If you have to take some from that money from my account", and so I did. I frequently have almost no cash in my wallet, relying on my debit card. Last hight I had $5, but took another $20 from the envelope he was referring to. So we got to the restaurant and the first thing they said to us was that their computer was down and they were only taking cash-no debit/credit cards. What is that? Did my dad, who has been gone for six months just bought me dinner?