Clematis

Thank you, Anne! Those Clematis are SO beautiful-so vibrant and healthy and SO purple! I just LOVE those photos-I was so surprised by the sight of them I had a physical reaction and popped right up in my chair where I was slumping. Thank you! It makes me feel good, just looking at them. Today was a much better day. I had a neighbor who came to help me for awhile and also, I was actually able to work on some stuff alone, and I have my friend coming three days this week. Next week I'll have Greg back as well. Today was a real treasure hunt. found some very cool things-from both of my parents, but mostly my dad. I found (the guts of) a music box that plays Lara's theme from Dr. Zhivago that seems to be meant to go on a rocking chair. When I was in high school and college I had an old family drafting set and adored it but someone stole it from me, which was very sad. Well, today I found another old one in my dad's woodworking stuff, apparently my dad's-although it could have been his father's. Unfortunately I don't know its exact story but it is a family item and a treasure. I also found two small sets of tools - one is adorable and pocket-sized. Some of these finds are such treasures, even if I never saw them before because they are so much like him and also so much like me. The housekeeper who worked for my dad, then both of us, and then just me, told me one day, "You guys were like two peas in a pod!" I think I saw some of that after my mother died, and in a way it was new to me-that he and I were more like each other than any other two people in our family. When I was little I adored him and thought he could do anything that was cool. It was always about him-for me. Then as I got older I realized that he could be a real jerk and had an awful temper, like his own dad. Then as he got older, he got over his impatience and temper. He just got a lot nicer-especially after my mother died. I was ecstatic that I was so agreed to move to Arizona. My sisters were glad to get rid of him and told him they did not want him to move to their town; they lived very close together an hour away from my parents. When I suggested that I was his best option after my mother died, they said, "No, you were his ONLY option!" But I don't think that's true; I think he wanted to be with me and wasn't just desperate. I don't know why he agreed to move out to AZ to be with me, but after he got here, he liked it. People would ask if he liked AZ (yes) and tell him that he was lucky to have a daughter who spent so much time with him. He always had the same reaction; his voice would break, he would get choked up and teary, and say, "Oh, she's wonderful!" I saw him at least ten times a week and we had meals together every night I didn't have music rehearsals-lots of breakfasts and lunches too. I sure miss him...I knew I'd miss him, but I had no idea it would be like this-like the world had collapsed under me.

It is very cool that Lena has decided to be my lap cat... Say- I forgot to tell you guys something about my Hawaii trip. On the Sunday we were in Maui, we went down to Lahaina Town and in the park where an enormous Banyan tree takes up an entire block. There was an arts and crafts fair going on and a Hawaiian band playing - guitar, bass, and naturally-a ukulele. A woman who was Hawaiian, but casually dressed up in shorts came out and did a hula dance. Then a little while later a Hawaiian man who was also casually dressed came out and danced hula to another song. I took hula classes about five years ago and vaguely remembered the first and easiest dance we did. I used to play the song on the ukulele and sing it. So, I was walking around this park talking to the Hawaiian vendors to see if any of them could dance this hula dance (the band said they knew it). I thought maybe I could find someone who could dance it and kind of follow them, from what I could remember. They all said, "No no I don't know that one. You should just dance it yourself. It's easy-it's in English". Eventually I did. I got up on the stage and did this hula dance alone, with the band accompanying me and singing. Even more amazing, I had fun doing it. There was enthusiastic applause-I think mostly for my just getting up and doing it to join in the fun, even though it is obvious to anyone that I am not an accomplished hula dancer. I could feel the support from the audience, even as I was dancing. And a number of people said nice things to me afterwards. It was pretty exciting!

Yeah, that can be dangerous. I had a friend who had serious bipolar-the kind that goes totally manic. I thought she was going to kill me when we were on a trip to San Diego together. I was halfway through grad school and had no idea what I was dealing with. I was terrified. Later, I worked in a prison setting with quite a number of people with bipolar, who were there for the things they did when they were manic. Finding a workable medication or combo of meds can be a long period of trial and error that may never lead to success. Or the drugs may be working and then they don't. Or the person decides to stop taking them. It's a dicey situation.

Football players-that is good! I'll settle for anyone who looks like they may be stronger than I, although it is difficult to ask. I'm getting better at it, though. I used to be terrible and not only would I not ask for help but would rebuff any help that was offered. Oh, yeah-I'm 5'4" and don't need no help from nobody! Just a tad ridiculous was I...

Marg, I know what you mean about the nicotine-addiction can do funny things to one's thinking. My ex-H used to smoke - cigarettes and dope, but he thought drinking a lot of carrot juice would negate the effect of the tobacco and dope. He also thought that celery was dangerous unless it was organic, saying, "it's just a sponge for chemicals!" Apparently when he was a kid he saw or did the classic science experiment where they stick celery into water with food coloring so the kids can see the capillary action occur. He was not convinced by my retort that the celery experiment is merely a graphic depiction of what all plants do, and nothing special about celery. Ok, so celery is dangerous and smoking Camels is ok because they don't have a dangerous and scary filter? My ex was charming and had an amazing memory for lyrics, but he was a big dope-hence the ex part. He decided that he couldn't handle the stress of working at his cush job, and so he would quit his job, , work 3-4 months a year, we would sell the house and we would go live in his Teepee in the woods near Flagstaff. At 7000 ft elevation where it can hit 20 degrees below zero. He thought that I was going to bear him children in this setting, the dope! I lived with him in the teepee for a summer once and it was a bit much...outhouse, wood stove, spiders and mice everywhere, taking showers from a "solar shower" bag hung from a tree. And people a mile down the road had indoor plumbing-hot AND cold, real walls, a roof, and possibly even a furnace! Why live in the 20th century as if you were living in the 18th? He just didn't want to work hard enough to make the money to pay for housing and utilities. I figured I could take better care of myself and left, since he could not be dissuaded. Marg, you might wanna think about having some younger and stronger people help with lifting stuff-perhaps even a stray male here and there could be coaxed into lifting some stuff for you rather than injuring yourself. I know as well as anyone that the cost of flattering them by the request may be your own humility in having to ask, but it's worth it.

I know what you mean, Marg. This is just how I feel...I may not be so good at lifting since the car accident, but the chiropractor is working on that one and it will get better. The use of the heart and brain is a problem, and organization is impossible. I have a friend who has been helping me. She had been in an office job at the local paper where they paid her a pittance and stressed her to the max. I told her she should work for me because not only would I pay her more but she could be the boss. Ultimately I have veto power over some things that I can't/won't let go of, but she organizes and gets me going. My friend Greg is the same. Without them I am totally lost-like a kite whose string has been cut. I suppose that's why the typical advice is to not move or make any other big changes in the first year. In my case, I thought that since I had ten or so weeks off in the summer I could pull it off, especially since my dad's house where I am staying and my own house are so close. But still I am moving and all of the work of sorting and tossing I still have to do. Finding myself in the middle of the stream, as you are, Marg, I realize that the water is way over my head as well. I had a deep and long relationship with my father, which was complicated by many things. In the end I totally took care of him. There are so many unresolved issues around his stuff, our history, and his absence. I feel it is way too soon to be going through his things. I am doing it anyway, but I'm not ready, and it seems that you aren't ready either. But here we are. I've gone back through your posts and have had trouble connecting the dots about why you are moving, as well as from where and to where, but I do have the sense that you felt that you felt desperate about getting it underway. For different reasons, I have also felt desperate. I have acquired an additional contract for the upcoming school year and so I will have more work (and more income) this coming school year, which is good. The problem is that I'll have less time to do anything after the school year begins. This last year I had the least work since I started doing contract work. It was good timing for a light load, given that my father was declining as things turned out. But it seemed to me that if I didn't get the move pulled off before summer, it would be waiting until NEXT summer, and I would be saddled with two houses and their respective upkeep and expenses for a full year. It didn't seem like much of an option... Six weeks and counting before the school year starts...

I spent most of the day today crying about my dad and thinking about him. I got nothing done on my big moving project aside from collecting boxes from the grocery store. I got almost nothing done, as if I was paralyzed. Lena did go to work today - she's a therapy cat, and Glo, who makes pet videos for pet holidays was meeting us there to film Lena. It was kind of amazing I was able to pull myself together to even go. Other than that, I did almost nothing. I spent most of the day feeling like I was absolutely back at the beginning. I cried all day. I felt like my chest was caving in. I had trouble eating because I could hardly chew. Several times I was in the kitchen of his condo where I am staying, and looking down into the sink I had the idea that if I just looked up he would be sitting in his chair 20 feet away. It was a hard weekend, maybe just because I was totally alone. When I have my friends and helpers around, I push myself to get stuff accomplished so that I can get moved back in my own house by August. But when I am alone, I fall apart and do nothing. I wonder when and if this will ever end...

LilyPad, that is a terrible tragedy and horrible in how sudden it was. It is always awful to lose someone that you care deeply about, whether it is sudden or not. My dad and I were very close...he had Parkinson's and I spent ten years fearing every time he didn't answer the phone that he was dead. Many people asked me if it was sudden-well yes, and no. I have a good friend whose parents died in a car accident together-one minute they were fine and then something happened, he over-corrected and they were both gone. I think when you start the grieving process you focus on the details a lot, but ultimately I think what defines the depth of your grief is more about the depth of your love more than the final details. Please take care of yourself and remember to focus on being careful. You were very close to your grandmother, and I'm sure she knew how much you loved her. You probably told her many times how much you loved her. I wasn't with my dad in his final hours and I initially felt badly that I didn't get to say good-bye. Then I realized that I spent the ten years I took care of him saying goodbye. And I believe you spent years telling your grandmother how much you loved her-maybe your whole life. She knew. Death is horrible in its finality and that is something we all share here as fellow grievers. A grief counselor can be helpful and if you want more support, we are here for you. Every person's situation is somewhat different, but we are nonetheless on the same path.

I know what you mean, Marty. I often think twice before "liking" something. But when someone says they "like" my post, I choose to interpret it as their being supportive of me and not, for example, that they liked it that I cried all day or whatever it was.

Thanks, Marty! I knew you would help out on that one. I don't expected that people will respond every time I post; I merely feel happy when they do, and so I hate to miss it.

Now that is funny! You know how to do all kinds of things...but you seem more like a "people" person rather than a byte-head, gear-head, technophile, etc. Personally, I think having good social skills and being likable (like you) is way more important than having those other skills...if people like you, you can get help with the technical stuff...

Thanks, Marg. I thought maybe there was something in the Notifications "Settings" that you could set for a reply to a post, but I didn't see that there. Maybe I missed it or it's called something that I couldn't figure out. Marty will tell us; she reads everything and I have total confidence in her.

I was rather taken aback by Marryann's comment about feeling hurt by someone not commenting on a response, because I have done this quite a number of times-not responded to a reply- because I just don't get it. Just this morning I came across a response that Kay had sent me two or three days ago. I just didn't see it until today, but she sent it two or three days ago. It really makes me feel good when someone writes a response to my posts and I look around frequently to see if anyone has responded to anything I wrote because people's kind words have meant so much to me and it has been so helpful to hear words of encouragement. But sometimes I don't see them-or I see them days later, like a little treasure that turned up somewhere. I must be missing something. Sometimes when I am online, I will see a little box that says there has been a reply and I can click on it. But if I don't click on it right away, the little box goes away. If someone replies at a time that I am not at the computer, I get nothing and then stumble on it later. I know that if someone likes a post, it shows up under notifications, and that is nice. But if they reply-which is even better-nothing shows up, unless someone quotes part of my post. I must be missing something...

For me, a tiny bit of Valium does the trick-relaxes me just enough that the wheels stop spinning in a frenzy. I have done this for years and most of that time slept without it. But when something really super-stressful is going on I take it again but try to stop as soon as possible. I started up again when my dad was going downhill and was trying to get off it when my aunt died and was back on it. And then my aunt died and everything fell apart with my sisters and I was back on. I was tapering off when I was in the car accident and gave up. Now that I am feeling more relaxed after my trip to Hawaii I am trying again to get off and crossing my fingers. It is always most effective if I haven't taken it for awhile, and I don't want to lose that potential...

That is really nice, Marg. I'm glad you had a visit from Billy

It is SO hard losing a parent with whom you really had a strong bond and connection. I think anybody who knows me and my immediate family would say that I was the "strong one". But any strength I have seems inadequate for a loss like this- losing my dad, and it sounds like you feel similarly with the loss of your mom, Butch. I remember talking to a man who was about my dad's age-while he was still in PA and had not yet moved out to AZ. This man was talking about how he had lost his daughter-and she hadn't died but gotten married and moved about an hour away. His wife had been gone for some time, and in the years since he became very close to his daughter and they "did everything" together. He talked about losing that and how he really had no desire to go on after losing that close bond with her, even though she was still alive. I recall marveling that the bond between a parent and adult child could be that strong... Little did I know what I was headed for-that I was about to discover how hard it could be. And I really had no idea what I was headed for after he was gone either. I knew I would miss him, but the intensity of it has blown me away. Butch, I really feel for you in being alone as you grieve the loss of your mom.

Thanks, Kay! I just now saw this...I'm not sure why I didn't see it earlier. But I appreciate your encouragement. You are right-I am grieving and my sisters are not. When my mother died, it was very different. None of us was very connected to her because she was so hateful to us, and my father didn't protect us and inflicted some wounds of his own. Nevertheless, I spent years crying in therapy about the losses of the ideal parents I would never have, particularly my mother. Then I spent a few years ranting at my father, and I have a wonderful letter that I treasure in which he apologized for ever hurting me. Then I spent more years working at building a friendship with him from across the country. When my mother died, I was relieved more than anything because I believed that there would be a chance for healthier relationships between the ones of us that remained. I think my sisters were more involved in drinking wine and acquiring what they could of the family goods as my father pared down to move from the big house he had shared with my mother for 30 years to move to AZ to be family for me. By that time I was ready to give him a clean slate and a fresh start, putting the past behind us as we began a life together as friends. My sisters were very happy to see him go. I really won the giant prize then, in reclaiming my father and earning his love and trust in a new relationship. I guess it's really not my business to worry about what my sisters are doing or not doing in the way of grief. They weren't bonded to him. They never did the hard work of therapy to work through all of the issues from our childhoods. It's not like I have no issues, but I emerged as the strongest one around, and hence the one to attack. I envy my three cousins, the children of my mother's sister-our beloved aunt Nancy that all six of us lost in March. We loved her to pieces-she was so kind and loving to all of us. As one of their children said to me after her service, Nancy's kids were "totally a team" and they are working through it together. They had a mother who taught them to hang together and be there for each other, while her sister-our mother-pitted us against each other and taught us to compete for everything. My sisters are not able to get beyond that, and so the fact that I would like to move past that and be there for each other means nothing. Or nothing I can do anything about. I keep trying to plough through my summer's work because I know the fall will be difficult enough and I have to be settled back in my house before then. You're right, Kay. Everything I see, read, go through, and touch is connected to my dad and a reminder of my grief and loss. I have really lost two fathers-the guy I adored as a child who could do the most amazing things, taught me tons of stuff, inspired me to negotiate the world, but could be a jerk sometimes-especially when he was drinking. But I also lost the dad I had for the last ten years, when he was my best friend and constant companion. Also, through his loss, I really lost my mother again, because the best parts of her lived on in him and his love for her and his loving memories of her. It's been really hard. It's a good thing that I have a lot of help, because when I am alone I feel paralyzed and tend to cry a lot and get almost nothing done, except to feel more scared and guilty about not doing more. Thanks again Kay for your support. Encouragement from my friends-online and the ones here in town-is critically helpful in getting through this. I'm not sure how well I'm doing at it, but I'm doing the best I can...

It is so painful when your mother says things like that about you, her daughter, and the sting lingers. It sounds like your mother was envious of you. Mine was as well-and probably my sisters as well. She was beautiful and smart and creative. When she was in college the guys called her "the body". She really had it all. But by the time I was in high school I had all of that as well as youth. I never had a perfect figure, but was athletic and so she picked at that. I was "the pretty one" and "the smart one". My younger sister was "the athletic one" which was easy to be since my older sister and I were totally uncoordinated, but then I ended up being the actual athletic one once I found individual sports that required stamina and strength--and no flying balls, teammates, or having to aim. My older sister was "the creative one", and people raved over her art and music; I was considered a zero in both music and art, and my sister actually demanded at some point that I give both up. Obviously I never did, continued in athletics and went on to get two advanced degrees that I used to make a living. Oh, the family b.s...! I guess every family has it. Marg, I'm sorry that she said those things to you...she should have been thrilled to have you as a daughter. As far as I can tell, you are an asset to the planet-and always have been!

Thanks, Marg-that was very sweet, and you are right I do have friends, and losing my father has really clarified which of them are true friends and which are more "social" friends...I don't know what else to call it. Some of them are great for the good times, but can't hack the tears that go on and on. Others have tried to help, but it seems clear to them that "this is junk and this is trash and someone else could be using this better than you", and while I have a clear need to jettison a TON of stuff, I need to be the final arbiter of what's to go and what's to stay, which may change tomorrow. Initially I kept the bookshelf in the 'great room' of his condo exactly as it had been, but then two days ago I looked at it with one of my helpers and realized that most of it could go, as these books were mostly self-help medical books that someone had sold him (I would look up that kind of stuff online rather than leaf through a book that was 5-10 years old). There were also a lot of books that belonged to my mother's father. He had such an extensive library that he developed his own cataloging system. Jack's books were always considered to be family treasures just because they had been Jack's. But since he died in the 1960's, they are all really old. Some are from the 1800's! At this point all but a few have found new homes. I have an allergy to book mold and they are not worth risking my health over. Also, I had plenty of my own books that were sitting on the floor at my house with no place to go. I hope to end up with a few bookshelves full of books I need, use, and/or treasure with no stacks on the floor. Hopefully it will be a pleasant co-mingling of my dad's books and my own. Last night I looked in the bottom shelves of a tall bookshelves with doors on the bottom--and while most of that can probably go, I found a small collection of children's books that were obviously selected by my mother to read to her grandchildren. Historically, I have had a great deal of pain and difficulty with a mother (gone for 11 years) who was so infatuated with her grandchildren but not her own children. One day when I was about 25, she told me that none of the three of her daughters had done anything that she could be proud of to the smallest degree and it pained her to have nothing that she could brag or tell her friends about. But when her first grandchild started to learn to read, she was ecstatic-it made her so happy that she had a grandchild who could read. Anyway, when I found those beautifully illustrated books, it touched something in my heart that had been far far away from me...

I think you're right. I think that's also true of me. I certainly wasn't married to my dad, but in the end after my dad and I really were a team and we totally depended on each other. Sometimes it was clear who was leaning more on the other. I was leaning more on him when I lost my job and he picked up the pieces and carried me financially and emotionally through the years until I was working again. At the end when he declined rapidly in his health, he was leaning much more on me. But all in all, we were a team, and it didn't really matter who was leaning more on whom. I sure miss him!

No, it works however it works. I'm sorry it doesn't work that way for you. I do appreciate your story about the comm in WWII. It's an interesting and pertinent story. Kathy is probably trying to tell you something, but I know what you mean-sometimes it's hard to get the message clearly enough. Some people get stuff in dreams and others when they are awake. Who knows-maybe my dad talks to me in dreams as well and I just don't remember the dreams. There is probably some reason I woke up this morning crying and feeling all alone in the world. Maybe there's a good reason-having lost my dad, my aunt, my painting teacher, and a few other people, as well as contact with my sisters. I am fairly much alone, except for my cat. It's been a hard weekend. After a trip with friends, which was really nice, I came home to an empty house-except Lena-and memories of the ten years I had here in this condo with my dad. And now I have a pressing urgency to dismantle his house and get the most significant part of it over to my condo, having somehow jettisoned half of what the two of us owned, since both condos were overstuffed before he died. So I came back here to be alone and deal with this big mess alone, while suffering the effects of the car accident-related head injury and another blow to the head while in Hawaii. And my friends who were helping me are out of town. Bonita is off with her husband, and Greg is shooting a movie-actually two of them-in CA. Bonita will probably be back tomorrow, but Greg won't be back for another week. We talked on the phone last night, and he was very helpful, encouraging and offering advice about what to do next and how to go about it... I had been feeling better emotionally, but this morning I feel like I am back at the beginning emotionally. My dad and I were totally a duo and I always had someone to talk to, do things with, share meals with, go places with, and everything else. He totally had my back and vice versa... I knew it wouldn't last forever but I sure wasn't prepared to lose him and all of that. As I write this, I feel him come into the room, sit in the chair next to me and say, "I'm so sorry-I couldn't do it any longer-it was just too hard. I never wanted to leave you." I love that he talks to me, but I have his spirit in the chair next to me and his ashes in a lovely blue and white urn across the room. It's just not the same as having him with me in one piece. He keeps telling me that I'm doing just fine with this project I never wanted, but I sure don't feel like it!

I had something nice happen. My cat is a therapy cat and she is very good at it. I've noticed that she will sit on anyone's lap that I put her on, and will stay there even if they don't have the most comfortable lap. For example, my dad had a rather bony lap, but I'd stick her there and she'd stay. But never on my lap. I'd pick her up on my lap and she'd get right off, unless I was giving her treats, and she would jump off as soon as the treats were gone. When I was in Hawaii, my neighbor Georgie took care of Lena and they got along swimmingly. Georgie came over when I got back to give me the key back and Lena went running up to her and they were obviously very happy to see each other. Georgie had left me a note saying they had had a lot of "lap time" while I was gone, and she demonstrated this for me. She sat down, patted her lap and said, "Lap!", and to my astonishment Lena jumped on her lap. I, of course thought, why not me? I adore this cat and she won't do this for me...? Turns out that wasn't true- all I had to do was ask Lena and she will do the same thing for me. I pat my lap and say "Lap!" and Lena will jump up on my lap, accept treats, petting, etc. and then lie down on my lap for a long snooze. Amazing!

Oh yeah, the lady at the produce stand! I hadn't even thought about it. Now that you mention it, I think that was when the headache arrived that didn't leave for days. Just this dull headache that was untouched by Ibuprofen or anything else. The chiropractor told me that I should ice it a little, which I forgot to do. I had a bag of frozen corn I was going to use, but I ate it instead. The chiro helped the headache, but it's still not gone altogether. That's funny, I was trying to remember what might have triggered the constant headache and wasn't coming up with anything. Before that, it was intermittent, and I could get it to go away with Ibuprofen and/or rest. But it did get worse after that. Well, hopefully the chiro can straighten it out. Meanwhile, I think I saw a bag of frozen peas in the freezer at the other house-I'll go pick it up when I go over there to water in the morning. Thanks, Kay! That was a good insight-I sure hadn't put that together, but you are right.

Although we all have different situations with variations in support and resources, we all are under the burden lot only of profound loss, but enormous changes in our situations, routines, patterns of functioning, and everything else you can think of because a really significant person that we absolutely depended on is permanently missing. Each in our own way, we are all staggering around trying to cope.

I really feel my dad talking to me, but it's hardly the same as a conversation. I get little pieces here and there. This morning I was going out back to water the plants at his house, after which I had to water the front over at his house and then both over at my house, before driving his big old boat of a car, stuffed to the gills to a thrift store in Flagstaff. I was feeling this was really a lot to have to water front and back at both houses. I heard him say, "I'm sorry I'm not there to help you with the watering." That was it. I feel him around and I get the feeling that he is supportive of how I'm handling things, but it really is overwhelming to handle his affairs and figure out what to do with his stuff. I really wish he could help me figure out what to do other than "just keep plowing through it". So, his car wouldn't start once I got up there, and it took AAA two hours to get there to get it going. Once it was going I drove it to Hope Depot 1/2 hour away to look at refrigerators on the fourth of July sale. The salesman ended up talking to me about how to get under the thing and dust it off to see if it ran any better. My original idea was to take my dad's fridge to my house and swap them since his seems fine. Then I thought I'd buy a new one. Then this guy is advising me on how to fix mine. Maybe I should go back to my original idea of swapping them. Where is my dad when I need him?