Clematis

I'll join you on that one...I moved out of my own house and my dad's house gradually-starting before his death and continuing right afterwards. Now I'm trying to move back into my own house, having somehow in the middle of the moves having consolidated our two overstuffed condos into one as well as painted mine and replaced the carpet and a couple of appliances. Most of the work on this is being accomplished in ten weeks, which started with me being involved in a car accident (not my fault) and a head injury, which has not helped my focus or ability to do the physical work. When I told my dad's attorney this was my plan, she thought it would be amazing if I could pull that off. My sisters came out to my dad's service in March; they were here for four days, during which they drank some wine, watched me, complained that they weren't getting more money, looked overwhelmed about that whole thing, and then bolted for the other side of the country, from where they have had very little to say to me. I have had a fair amount of help, most of which I have paid for with money from my dad's estate (half of which is mine-which means I won't have it later, and my sisters get to help pay for it whether they want to or not). I just couldn't see any other way to do this. I work during the school year and so I came up with this plan whereby I would do this during the summer when I wasn't working. It seemed like I could live in the relative calm of a functioning house (his) while I worked on mine. I suppose I could have let his house just sit here for a year and pay the mortgage and utilities...and then worked on moving next summer. But that would have been even more expensive. I think my sisters thought I should have heaved all of his stuff into a storage unit, put his house on the market, and then dealt with my own house while living in it. It's amazing the things people come up with that have no information. Anyway, I'm stuck in the middle of the river at this point...about halfway through the summer. I really need to pull this off, but I think maybe it was kind of crazy, and I still don't know if it is even possible. I just know that at the beginning of the school year I am going to be crazy-busy with more work than last year and I'll sure be relieved if I am actually back living in my own house by then. Marg, I'm not sure I understand why you moved when you did, but I have the general impression that you felt desperate, as did I...

That's really interesting, Kay-do you have any idea what the article was or where it might have come from?

Phoenix is definitely not for the faint of heart. They call it the valley of the sun, but the truth is more like it is the surface of the sun. Sedona is considerably cooler, but even still the past month has been difficult! Hopefully the monsoons will start soon... Dang! it's 82 degrees and it's 10:30 at night and the air conditioner is running about all the time...Dang! And this is only Sedona...sorry about you being in PHX...dang!

Butch-I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. It's really hard on top of your other losses. It's nice that she was able to meet Gracie and that your dad is staying with you. I hope you and your dad can be of support to each other. I'm sure he is really staggering under this. My parents met when they were something like 10 and 12; they were childhood friends and then met up again and began dating in college. He lived 11 years after her death and never really got over losing her. But he made the decision at some point to hang on, I think really for me...but it was really hard for him to lose her. I'm sure it is for your dad as well.

Marg, you need to rest up. A lot. Seriously. From what I can tell, you are always moving so fast no one can even see you! Here is something to scare you into resting up. I heard on the radio that today if you are 65 or older today your life expectancy by statistics is in the 90's. If you live another 20 years, don't you think you'll need to be better rested to get through that? I don't mean to be flippant, but you have every reason to be tired and you have no idea what is around the corner. You may need your strength. It seems likely that there are others who could be doing more so that you would get more rest. Marg, you seem like a very generous and kind person who puts a lot of energy into helping others. But if you don't take care of yourself, you can't help others. Also, it sounds like you have some people who would like to help you. I think it is very hard for people who are the "helpers", "healers", and "givers" in the world to accept help from others, but I think it is critical. I must admit that I am one of them. I am not yet 65, but getting closer, so I may not have a life expectancy in my 90's, but then again I may. There is a lot of longevity on both sides of my family, even for people who spent their lives smoking and slamming scotch. I figure I have to pace myself and am working hard on that - accepting help from people who offer, delegating, asking for help, and not always jumping in to do more than I ought. It was hard to ask for and accept wheelchair support through the airport on my recent trip to Hawaii, but I figured it would be better than the possible alternative of collapsing and having my traveling companions and anyone else around having to deal with that!

My poor dad-unable to eat pretzels anymore and he didn't even say anything about it I think he was really struggling with a lot more than I ever knew. I wish he had told me, but I guess he would have told me if he wanted me to know

That is SO true! I just had a scare-my accountant has not done my dad's taxes or sent the check I gave him for my dad's taxes to the IRS, or corresponded with me and I panicked. Someone at his office said that someone handling my dad's taxes left due to a terminal illness, someone else working on it left for some other reason, but she didn't say who died. Later I thought-what if it was Marc!?!?! I've already lost my dad, my aunt, my friend Tim, and my beloved painting teacher in the last 6 months-and my chiropractor that I and everyone in town loved a few years ago. I can't stand it if Marc is gone too! But I started looking around and he posted something on FB less than 2 weeks ago, so it sounds like he's just having staffing problems, and he'll call me soon no doubt.

It seems to me that smells and sounds (including music) are among the most powerful triggers there are for totally taking you back in time. It's like those kinds of stimuli-smells and sounds-are deeper and they take you straight back with no filter, like as in something that required more conscious cognitive processing (such as something you might read). That's how it seems to me anyway...

I think you're right, Kay. My dad and I both thought he was going to live another five years, but it's probably merciful that he didn't. Going through his stuff after his passing has been an interesting experience, and I realize more and more how much he had declined and how much he was not able to work his way through on a cognitive level. He was really faking a lot better off than he was and deferring to me. I think this went so smoothly that I was not aware of it, and maybe he wasn't either-it's hard to tell if he deferred to me consciously or deliberately. Probably the former, most of the time. But I think if he had lived another five years it would have been a mess. Not that I don't miss him horribly, because I do. I just didn't realize that I was losing him gradually all along. Just this afternoon a neighbor was helping me go through some of his things, and I ran across some things that made me just sigh in some sadness. I found a grocery shopping list that was very organized and included things like pretzels, which he used to love but could not eat at the end because they would make him choke due to the swallowing problems related to Parkinson's. But there is the list, tucked in a book...pretzels-check!

I believe this as well. When my dad was alive, I always told him that, naturally I wanted him to live as long as he possibly could-while still having a decent quality of life. Neither of us knew or got to decide what would happen or when. I figured it would just happen-when it did. I told him that part of my goal was to keep something really stupid (and preventable) from happening. He used to have tons of papers and magazines on the floor around the chair where he always sat. I boxed him into getting a housekeeper and worked with her to keep all these magazines away from his chair, because he had a LOT of slide-into-a-fall mishaps due to the magazines. To me, it would have been really dumb to bleed to death from a head injury gotten from sliding in a pile of magazines. THAT I thought I could-and did-prevent. But why he died at the age of 88 and not 93...who knows? It's just the way it happened.

I miss my dad...I guess it's always hard in some ways to come back from vacation, but this was particularly hard. Here I am in my dad's house, to which he's never coming back. Well, his ashes are here in an urn and his spirit is here around me, but it's hardly the same as when he was all in one piece and breathing. He was going downhill cognitively near the end and wasn't always able to figure out his own stuff, much less mine. It was more me advising him near the end than him guiding me in any way. He really relied on me rather heavily in the way of figuring out what to do. He always talked about "us" and what "we" should do. But it was still him, talking to me, believing in me, trusting me, and taking care of me any way he could, just like I took care of him. It's like he told my sisters when he moved out west, "You each have your own families; I am going to go out to AZ and be family for Laura". I was lost in a stream today of thoughts about my dad...things we did together, things we planned in the future to do together, things I assumed we would be able to do again, even little things. But it's all gone and I'm alone in this giant mess of stuff, and leaking quite a bit around the eyes... Greg went to LA for 10 days to shoot a movie and it seems like forever before he'll be back to help me. I have had a couple of other people offer to help me-a woman who lives down the street who took care of Lena while I was gone-a few years younger than my dad and very nice, and also a school psychologist that I work with who is a really really nice guy who lives up in Flagstaff - actually very close to Greg. But I wonder if I'm too confused and befuddled to figure out what to ask them to do or how to ask them. I am feeling rather frightened and despairing about whether I'll be able to get enough done to move back in my own house before school starts. I wonder constantly if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm spending too much money regardless how careful I'm trying to be, if my sisters are going to try to throttle me somehow, if I'm going to be able to get through this and and wind up back in my own house. Even if I get it painted and the carpet down, how will I move my dad's furniture over there. Some of it is really big and heavy- like the couch with a hide-a-bed, the Tempurpedic bed or even the little day bed with a trundle bed that I've been sleeping in. These are really big pieces of furniture. I can't move them in my Corolla... I sure wish my dad was here...even it he wasn't able to really do anything to help me, it would still be really great to be able to talk to him...

I have had a dull headache that hasn't gone away for four days now. Sometimes it gets worse (and then goes back to where it was, but it never goes away. I hope the chiropractor has a clue-I see him tomorrow.

I have had the same thing happen. My dad died in mid January and initially I had a lot of support, and then everyone (almost) was gone, including my sisters, who just want me to hurry it up and get them some money, but they don't want to help or to talk to me. It is very painful and very isolating. This site has been very helpful and I've felt much less alone. Also a grief/bereavement counselor that works with the Hospice has been tremendously helpful.

Hi Kay! I'm so sorry about Miss Mocha-that is really sad, and I think at four weeks your are probably right. I did once get a cat (Freya) back after 11 months, but that was rather freakily unusual. Also, we were moving the next day and so if she came home there would have been no one there. Also, she was a strong young cat who was a really good hunter. The cat I have now-well it's hard to believe that pussycat was ever a "stray" (which was her story at the Humane Society) because she can't get into an open package of cat food on the floor! It's so hard to lose a pet and not know what happened to them. Freya disappeared after I got her back and I never saw her again. But after losing her for so long, it was hard to ever convince myself she was gone. I had dreams about finding her again 20 years later. I think that was partly about the lack of finality with Freya and partly because I had been forced to part with Mitten because of seriously worsening allergies/asthma. I didn't believe I would ever have a cat again and so was grieving that as well, but in my sad cat-less state, the one who always came back to me was Freya. But now I have Lena, who is the best cat I even had, and my allergies are dramatically better from living in a cleaner environment. So I think we're in the clear. I just have to not net any more pets. You are right-we had a joyful reunion, Lena and I, although it felt very strange to come "home" to my dad's house, and I've felt very sad to realize that his ashes are in an urn, but summer is quickly passing, and he can't help me figure out what to do because he's gone. The plan about my dad's house-and my house-is to keep emptying my house, get rid of the junk, store the things I'm keeping in the garage or with me at my dad's house, and then paint & replace the carpeting at my house once it's more or less empty. Then I will move back into my own house with the fresh paint and new carpet, bringing what I had brought to my dad's house and all of his nice furniture. Then whatever is left to be sorted will be at his house, where it can be gone through by me and/or whomever while I am back in my own house.

...so now I am home and back to the grind and only a month and a half to get a ton of stuff cleared out, replace the carpet, and move back into my own house. Everyone thinks I should paint the condo as well since the paint is 20 years old or more. It seems totally overwhelming. I had kind of a difficult trip back-headache that wouldn't go away, balance problems and all that. It's good to be home in a way, but my dad is gone and there is this gargantuan project to work on, along with therapies and legal matters and whatnot related to having been in a car accident. I hope I can get through this! The best part of coming home is definitely seeing Lena, my darling cat, who was equally happy to see me...

It's been wonderful being in Maui. We had a last day stroll on the beach and said goodbye to the ocean and the flowers. It will be hard to get back to the grind and not having my dad to go home to...

Here are photos of some of my lovely models. They are most cooperative - as long as the wind does't blow too hard, but you have to be quick about it, because many of them wilt by afternoon and are altogether gone by the next day. I rather quickly tool to scouting outside at night with a flashlight to see which buds looked as if they would bloom the next morning. The downside of this obsessive painting is that it is almost ALL I did here. My travel companions went zip lining, hiking, and more driving around sightseeing since they were more interested in other hints other than getting their next fix (of flowers to paint). I did the same thing last year, but on Oahu. I painted flowers every day - a good part of the day - but didn't go snorkeling, swimming with dolphins, or anything else. I barely got in the water. People told me last year "Well, if you don't go to the north shore, you haven't been to Oahu!" I suppose that they would say similar things about Maui. I don't know- maybe it's a little bit nuts-or more than a little bit nuts to come here and only paint flowers, but tomorrow I fly back to AZ and my enormous grind of a job of sorting out my father's estate and getting moved back into my own house. Nevertheless, Kay, this kind of trip is a very "me" kind of adventure...

And this hedge was across the street and down a block. This hedge was not an option to paint since it was on the driveway of another resort, but that was ok-I had plenty of Hibiscus within 20 feet of my building. So many lovely flowers...

I was very lucky in that these lovelies were on the premises where I stayed...last year, I had to get on the bus and travel a little bit to see so many flowers. ..

There it is...six days and eight paintings! ...and also a lei and a bracelet made out of Hala leaves and Rafia...

Thank you, Anne! It's been really great being here in Maui with so many beautiful flowers all around. And it was very exciting o learn how to make a lei. The next time I come to Hawaii I can start scouting for flowers to make one right away. Meanwhile, perhaps there are some flowers I could use to practice on in Ariizona... Here is my latest...

I learned how to make a lei today--here it is. I also made that raffia and leaves from the Hala tree... to

Thank you KatPilot and Kay! I have been having a great time painting here and I'm sure it's been good for me. When I paint flowers, for my models I choose flowers that are relatively simple but elegant, and very three dimensional. Daisies and their relatives are not as interesting, and flowers with a lot of petals going every which way are too challenging for me-overwhelming! I like to paint them very large and use a similar technique similar to how you would paint a cloud or a sky...loose and very fast so the water has time to allow the paint to dance around and play before it dries. To me, this seems like an appropriate stance. Just like the sky changes constantly, flowers are ephemeral and a loose light approach seems good since they are often here today and gone tomorrow...or less. They may be lovely in the morning and absolutely wilted by afternoon... Here is the lovely blossom who had her portrait painted this morning...

It's been wonderful to have the opportunity to paint every day and to have the luxury of all these beautiful flowers and different ones every day. It seems to improve one as a painter - or as an anything, I suppose - to get to practice every day. I can see the difference, not only in the quality of the finished product but also my confidence in going about things. I've had so many loses in the last year - my dad, my aunt, my friend Tim who was such an inspiration to me musically to reach out beyond my comfort range and try harder at playing by ear and taking on new territory, and of course I've lost eat relationships with my sisters even though they are still alive. I've also lost the connection that I still had with my mother through my dad. The way my mother treated me was rather brutal and so one of my losses there was grieving the "nice" mother I would henceforth never have even a fantasy of. But my dad was married to her and so that was totally different. He was smitten with her from about the age of about twelve, then they dated in college and married. Once he came out to AZ, I kind of got to know her from another angle-through him, and learned things about her that I had never known-which was healing and poignant, since she was gone. But when my dad died, I lost that as well. But the other loss I had in the last year was my beloved painting teacher. She was a real fan. I took her classes at the local community college for five years - every semester and got so much out of it, as well as adoring her as all her students did. Patty's classes were more like a club in a way, because there was a core of about bunch of painters - maybe 20 or so - who drifted in and out of her classes for over fifteen years. Patty had had melanoma in one eye, had surgery and got a glass eye, learned to cope, drive, draw and paint with one eye...and things seemed good. Then twenty years later it suddenly metastasized and she developed massive abdominal tumors, hung on for at least six months but was no longer teaching and so I didn't see much of her at the end. But to me she not only taught me a huge amount in those five years, but was a major fan and cheerleader of my painting. Any time I've really done a LOT of painting albeit over the summer or some other period of inspiration, I always looked forward to showing her my pile of new work when I got back. It will be sad to come back from this trip and not have that to look forward to upon return. Also, at the college, the painting program totally fell apart after she left because Patty held it all together. So, I've lost the painting classes as well as the teacher...

I miss my dad too, and thought a lot about him today. His cell phone is still connected and I called it today, listening to his call promising to call me back. FB had a picture of him today as a reminder of a year ago. It is hard to take that I can see his face and listen to his voice and yet he is gone...