Margm

Billy's aunt lived into her 90's and Dr. Slay was asking her how she kept so healthy. I typed her clinic note and she said she drank apple cider vinegar (with the thick "mother") and a teaspoon of honey in a glass of water each morning. Dr. Slay said, "whatever works." My whole "innards" feel so damaged, I think only MiraLax will help. I am way past natural healers, though I believe in them for "normal" people, I just am damaged from the radiation all on the inside. But, I sure used to like those golden raisins and I think soaking them in gin sounds pretty darn good. I can no longer eat raisins though. If I could, I would give that one a try.

Well, he is long gone. Do not remember the reason, but I doubt WD40 really helped him. Maybe if he thought it did.

Kay, I always say if Adam and Eve's family was the first family,, and Cain killed Abel, then I guess we all come from some dysfunctional family. I think sometimes mine will kill me, and they might, but only cause I let them. Not my intentions, but............

Karen, the longest I lived in one place was 17 years. I had to keep my kids in the same school, like I was kept in the same one 12 years. My little granddaughter has gone from one to the other with drastic results. It works for some kids, for some it doesn't. We lived on the lake (was to be our retirement home) for a number of years, we had the house built with a big porch to watch out over the peaceful lake. Louisiana lakes are really not peaceful, lots of noise, and we very seldom sat on that porch. Could not leave fast enough. Billy caught an 8 pound bass off the dock and after that, it just lost its appeal. I cannot imagine staying in one house 50 years. Either I could not leave, or I could not leave fast enough. Knowing me, I just am a nomad at heart. I do not regret leaving the big house in the small town. It was never home, no matter how long we lived there. I loved the tiny RV we lived in right after we married more than any other place, except the RV we retired in. So, an apartment suits me fine. As I have said, it would not suit Billy fine at all. An older man and woman live one apartment down from us and she is looking forward to moving into a trailer. She has heart trouble and he has blood clots in his legs. He is a big man although she does all the heavy lifting. They have been here a long time. Myself, I want an apartment in the city closest to us. That is where my kids graduated high school and we lived the longest. This is not for sentimental reasons though, it is to have a washer and dryer in my apartment. Hard to find here in this little city. I need to be close to the 2-3 colleges for my granddaughter, if I can lean her that way. If not, it will be close to jobs. (Not for me, I'm through with that). Good luck with the privacy stuff. My granddaughter's friend is coming for a week soon and I look forward to retiring to my room and just reading.

"Wash-room" with 20 washers and 20 dryers and it is only a stone's throw from my front door. I have a buggy with two big wheels and two smaller ones that holds at least 3 loads of clothes, soap and all the stuff that goes with it, so I have everything with me except a washer and dryer. I make it easy on myself. You all know, I could do 20 times more things by myself if I only knew Billy was back home. I was still a "young" woman. Now I am ancient and scared to leave the house. But, I do it anyhow.

One of my friends on FB this morning was asking for ideas to help her lower backache. I used to walk all the time. Because of the colon rupture I had to cut down on the length of my travels unless I had Billy on cell phone to come get me FAST. I think, just like the tin man in Wizard of Oz, I just need WD40. (I did have a distant uncle who swore by that stuff on his knees). Know I have to get some movement going in my joints. I think all of us seem to become more dormant after a loss. I do see you and George still working at it and one of our new women on the forum goes to the gym. And many walk their fur babies. Mine is just plain laziness........mixed with unknown fear.

I'm so glad I can still walk, no running, my bladder is not attached as well as it used to be, and bending over to pick up stuff has not had much practice, so it hurts. All-in-all, 2/3rds or 3/4ths, it has been a wild ride.

I don't have a tattoo. It is not because I don't believe in them, it is because I have freckles and I just did not want to confuse the artist with losing focus and trying to connect the dots. My son just got Thor's hammer on his neck. He was in the submarines and as a navy man, he felt he should have lots of them. As an artist, he loves them. When he was treated for his hep-C, at the time he fit the criteria for all the things that could have given him the hep-C, right on down to the multiple blood transfusions. We were going to get tattoo rings for our 50th. Instead bought new rings. Billy's fell off his hand trying to work on the motor in the middle of the lake. Mine is solitary now, so it sits in my jewelry box. I love tattoo's.

My word for it would be "hell-hole." What is it they say "you don't miss your water till your well's run dry?" I hate putting my clothes into machines other people use. Lots of things you don't think out when you do something in haste. Still glad to be away from the house.

I was with Mama and Daddy for 18 years. My next birthday I will be 3/4 a century old. I was fortunate, but I sure miss him.

I visited my dad's youngest sister recently. We had had a falling out a few years ago. She is closer to my age, about five years difference. We are as different as night and day in lots of ways, but age gets to be a common denominator. She lost her beautiful daughter over 10 years ago and of course she never got over it. We have the addiction gene in our family and this sweet girl with three little ones got divorced, began drinking, and as many interventions as could be done, as many rehabs as could be attended, it was like a train without brakes. She died in her 16-year-old son's arms. He was the oldest. The family has picked up, life has gone on, marriages, children, grandchildren that this young lady would have loved. There were no wild parties, nightclubs, it was simply a habit that took a young beautiful life. Sometimes, and we see it on here right now, life throws us curve balls we can never touch. Nothing we can do. My aunt lost her husband later (who did not live with her), she was a difficult woman to know. Still is. I have one in my family that is difficult also. I do think she will be the death of me. No point in this post except to say a lot of us have lost so much and as the one who said it,, we just put one foot in front of the other. In two days we would have been married 56 years. I had him a lot longer than a lot of people did their mate. Somehow that does not make it easier, maybe luckier, Some days I hear those heavy footsteps behind me louder than other days and as much as I wanted to go after he left, I now have......promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep. (RF). I am not afraid for myself, just the one I am responsible for. And later on, maybe I will be worry-free, like Billy is. But first...........

You know, washateria always comes up with a red line under it. I want my own washer and dryer again. I have a teenager that loves big hanging clothes and when hers get dirty she heads for mine. Laundromat does not have a red line. Hmmmm.............redneck southern again. Love you too Gwen, and you know you have lots more. That's why I like this forum, most folks take us like we are. We do have testy folks sometimes, but that's life. I think I will use that word without the red line under it.

Kevin, you are one of the men on here who gives me courage to "go on" (as if there is a choice), and George gives me courage by praying for me. Kay is a voice of reason in a storm, when despondency wants to take over. Marty is a saver many times with her voices of reason. Butch hangs in while the storm beats all around him and gives each of us a smile when we see little Gracie. Gwen, you are one person I wish I could say something positive to, someone I wish I could talk to but we would probably just both break down and cry all night. Then, maybe some haywirey TV show could make us lose the moody blues for a few minutes. If I was 20 years younger we sure could hang one on (but I am a bad drunk, I just throw up a lot). It does not take me but three drinks, so that would not be fun for long. I wish I had answers for all of us, heck, I wish I had answers for me. I did write somewhere today asking a question about why I could not talk to Billy anymore. I bookmarked the place. It has my email. I think the last thing answered was 2013. I doubt I will hear anything. Definitely don't want to read anything else that might bother me. Oh yeah, I don't know how to find where I bookmarked the place.

Billy and I are coming up on our 56th on July 3rd. I would not have cared to have 56 more. But, we were not perfect. I think there might have been 2-3 times (or more) that both of us would have been happier somewhere else rather than together, but the trouble was neither of us could escape the other and there had to be a reason for that. I had to have him with me or he had to have me with him. He was stronger than me and I was a tiny bit over 5 feet with him being nearly 6'3" and lots of times he had to use those long hands and arms to just hold me off. I might be swinging, but could never connect. Finally I would wear down and it was funny. No need to go into anything except he was the best friend I ever had and I will miss him the rest of my days. No difference than anyone else. And as far as my childhood days, my mom and dad were hard on me but I think I grew up a very idealistic life, escaped it, but Mama and Daddy did not have a book on how to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. They did their best. So did Billy. I could have done things better, but I didn't, and that's all I have to say about that. I say things wrong lots of times. Billy used to get tickled because I would talk backward, he understood me. " I would not have cared to have 56 more" was supposed to mean I would have loved to have had 56 more. Sometimes I need a translator that understands redneck southern. But the main thing is, I love reading all of your love stories.

You know, this is where Billy and I began. He is not here though. I know he is not where he left me either. But, my sister is here and as much younger than me as she is, she is my best friend now. I never expected that to happen. Of course Billy was my best friend and always will be, but it is nice to discover I have a champion in my little sister also. And, I think she said she only had four cigarettes in four days. I know it is hard for her, We never were close. It's nice to discover a friend and the best thing is she is your sister. I still have to help my granddaughter make a start at life and in the meantime make her think it is all her idea anyhow.

Well, that sure brought a positive smile. Love it.

I like your attitude Darrel. Onward we go.

What better company for a kid than Grandpa. What better to bring smiles than grandchildren. Thank you Butch. Hope Caleb gets to feeling better fast, know it is hard with the depression he feels, that you all feel, but then there is Gracie, a smile every time I see her. It is a long time till October. Hope Katie feels much better.

I did take it personally Mitch. I knew of no other way to take it.

I'm removing my post. My mustard seed faith believes judgement should come from where faith originates.

No specific names, all of you perhaps, I resist reading things now, except on here. I started reading one that had spiritual "hookups" with the "departed." It gave me chills to even think of going there. What faith I have is religious faith, and I guarantee you that mustard seed is still worn, but I have to do the work myself.

I am the most immature, I am my weakest, if it did not hurt my back my hands would skim the ground like the cave women. And I am 74. If I don't straighten up and out a good straitjacket might help my disposition, but I want a padded room too. And, I love everyone on here, but I want my own room by myself.

A book that was supposed to be uplifting, supposed to be true for one man, should have been uplifting for me, threw me into a dark place that I cannot talk to Billy anymore. I am not delusional enough to think he could answer, but I was possibly thinking he was listening. A book that was supposed to strengthen my faith called "Life after Heaven." Kinda reminds me of a Mark Twain quote, "Be careful reading health books, you may die of a misprint."

Gwen, my association with the Doors was the movie and Val Kilmer. My granddaughter is a musical genius and played the music for me straight away. It's true. (In 1967, I was strictly country).

I wonder sometimes looking at my friends. One had to have loved her husband as much as I loved Billy, they were high school sweethearts. I asked her if she still talks to her husband (been about 7 years), and it was kinda like she patted me on the head (figuratively), and said "your still young in your grief." And now I cannot talk to him. Don't know why. Not what she said. It is a block. He did not talk to me back of course, but I kinda felt he heard me. Now he doesn't. I sure wish I had my mystical, fantastical, magical imagination. I think that part of my life left when Billy left.