Margm

Eagle, my mom with Alzheimer's when Billy passed. We never were close enough to talk anyhow. But that one real time of recognition, that one moment in time, and I shall cherish that moment even though it could have not been more than 10 seconds. She looked at me with my mama's face, her eyes sad, and she said "it's hard isn't it?" and for that one moment in time, my mama validated my feelings. I didn't need her validation, but it was like a tiny little gift. Then she asked my sister (who had on a tee shirt with the Marvel characters) if those were her children. But, I had that precious moment. Your mother-in-law will understand you on more levels than anyone. I'm happy you still have her.

Why do I not want Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD to retire? Well, I don't know really if his feet have been raked over the coals, I don't know how much loss in his life he has had, but I will tell you that the man can talk to me anytime. I won't go into all he says today, but I will repeat his end of page quote. His own. "Just like the scars on my body, the scars in my heart tell the stories of my life. I choose scars over an unscarred, loveless life." ADW (I don't like scars anywhere, but if you live long enough, guess your gonna have them dammit)

I may have already said this, not going back up to find it. Don't talk to others (unless you have a counselor), and even then, a counselor cannot understand. I always say not to read or talk to anyone whose feet have not touched the flame. You have things to say? Talk to us. Don't make the mistake of talking to someone that won't understand. And fear is very real. Sometimes it gets so real I don't want to leave the apartment. Right now I am putting off washing clothes that have to be washed. Gotta do it though. Stuff we have to do and even if we don't want to. And it always leaves little scars. We are here.

Kay, when I fell with the weight of my fluffy behind on my foot, there was no doubt it was broken. What could withstand that weight? I could hardly walk and hated using the cane (remember my mom hating to use the cane). When they did the MRI, I heard them say it was not broken but something was "displaced" and I guess it just replaced itself because now I cannot remember which foot it was that was hurt. I wish you well with your doctor's visit. Sometimes it seems like we could put that $1200 back in something that we could use for doctor's visits. Then I remembered, there was a plan that let you put the money back, but medical care is so expensive the $1200 would not pay for you sitting on an ER gurney. And Marita, we don't any of us know what went on in your husband's mind. Maybe, like Robin Williams, he saw no other way out. It seems to be the act of someone that does not want to hurt anyone any more than living with something would do. As said before, being around all the suicidal thoughts of myself and my children, I see where things seem hopeless sometimes. We cannot control what goes on in our loved ones minds. We want to, we try, but sometimes they see more than we do. In 2014, I took up all my husband's time trying to save my life when it was his life we should have been fighting for also. I required too much attention. That haunts me. I feel my useless life was saved at the expense of his.

Sure you are in shock. It is getting near 20 months for me. I cannot remember what I wrote the three days after his passing when I got on here. I will not go back and look at things because I repeat myself so much and then I delete it. I am going to go wash clothes. I have put it off because I left my washer and dryer in my house I leased very soon after Billy left. There are still some things I might need to "fix something" and I remember, I don't have those things anymore than I have Billy. I have a washateria in these apartments and I miss my washer and dryer the most. (Aside from Billy.) The house was empty, it was big, the silence was so loud I was going deaf. You don't do something as big as move that first year. I left as soon as humanly possible and I cannot go back. Luckily the lease is working into them buying the house. Good leasers that used to own a plant nursery and have invested much in that house. That is okay with me. We were leaving anyhow. Our dream house was a 23 foot RV, at one time it had been a 19 foot 5th wheel. I could not go back to what were our dreams because even though he was me and I was him, we were not an "our" anymore. I did not want to forget him, I wanted to find him in our old hometown. He is not here either. I still have my moments of hearing my son call (sounds just like Billy), and just hearing a noise in another room, in an instant I think of Billy. I got up too early this morning, but staying in bed the memories flash like a movie. Memories are good, and I am remembering some of them now and it is okay. Some are not. I am not "happy" but I am surrounded by strangers above, in front of, to the side of, and getting to know them. I don't want that solitude of the beautiful house in paradise that we lived in. I want distractions, and I am living exactly where Billy would not have lived. That is one thing I knew I had to do. I had to do this for me. I could not help or live with my Billy, so I live among strangers in the land of my roots, our roots, and sometimes it provides comfort.

George, it took me so long not to see Billy's "death mask." I could close my eyes and there it was. The reason I jump out of bed (I should not say jump, I slide gently out of bed) instead of laying there. But, my Billy had an ego as big as Alaska. My last view of him, my last memory of him being his death mask, if he was alive it would totally drive him crazy. So, I have had to get rid of that, just to please him. I'm sorry we all have conflicts. Took Bri to new clinic and they have 12 doctors there at all times. This was a very satisfactory visit. She does not want any more counselors, and I am going to go with her feelings on this. I don't want anymore counselors either. Marty is plenty enough. You all are plenty enough, for me. As Kevin said from RF: ............It goes on.

Pat, a lot of good people on here that understand grief. Just pour out your heart. I verbally bleed all over the place and I usually cannot keep it to two lines, but I will try. You joined early, like I did. I guess there is no cure, but if misery loves company (I know that is a hard thing to say), but we have plenty to share. Come on along with us. (Well, it was two lines before it printed out.)

Tom, when I bought a new purse with my first retirement check that had been Billy's, I cried in front of the J.C. Penney's girl that rung me up. I had to tell her. I could not stand spending our money on just me. I have not changed the SS account yet. I will have to eventually. Right now I am on "Billy's 5th Kindle" and will never change this account because Billy, my non-reader when we were first married, had turned into a voracious reader. I joined the $9.99 Amazon book club just so I could get him so many free books. I can remember a time that he would get angry at me for reading and not paying him attention. It was just like fishing. He was a rough fisherman when I first met him and by the time he left, he was a very educated fly fisherman. He fished in our front yard more than anywhere developing and practicing the different techniques. I say "rough" fisherman because he and his dad used bamboo poles stuck in the Louisiana mud banks of the borrow pits down from his town. Then he put out yo-yo's when he got a boat and always ran trotlines. But reading, not much. Then he discovered Louis L'Amour, Michael McGarrity, Terry Johnston's Titus Bass series, C.J. Box's Joe Pickett series and every mountain man book he/I could find. I would print him out the synopsis of each book and he kept them all stapled together. He read so many books I could hardly find any he had not read. I made a book monster out of him. Maybe that is why it is hard for me to get back in reading. That is something I cannot give up.

Mike's girl, I cannot look at his pictures. I cannot go past the Texas line out west. Don't want to visit our places in Arkansas, I got prickles on my skin when I had to do that. Sadness beyond belief. Could not even call my coworker friends to let them know I was there. I will not go back to our places of joy. But, I will try new places. I find things I did before we knew each other, I can still do them, or at least go there. There is a mixture of sadness and familiarity in places that were "mine" but we visited together. Music is something I could not handle, although I am getting to where I can a little. Anything that held me back before, if I can walk into it now, I have found out the world is not flat. I do believe time makes the "scar tissue" and then it can be ripped away so easily. ........."it goes on."

Another word salad deleted. Why can't I say what I want to say in two lines? So many unnecessary words. If you know the person is toxic, get rid of them. I use symbolism a lot in my life. The fluffy clouds, the moon, the night sky are all Billy. The cross on my wall at the foot of my bed, I pray to Jesus and Billy with. I figure they are best buds by now, neither can figure me out. I hope Jesus helps him. No worry in heaven. Oh my, I have a bushel of them here on Earth and I ask Billy and Jesus for help. You have no answers to why your mate left in the way he did. There are no answers. I have found that out the hard way. Lots of questions though. I think it comes down to Kevin's RF quote........"it goes on." And, knowing you the tiny bit I do, I know you have responsibilities, responsibilities that are hard alone. You all have lost someone important and you don't need a toxic person around them. Or you. It is hard and I welcomed the numbness so much. It does not last. We still want to escape. We cannot. Another RF quote is .................."promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep." Read about his life sometimes. I think he knew. I found the cross on the wall when I was coming in and out of a coma caused by septicemia. With Billy leaving a year later, he should have been the one being worked up for cause of illness, but I cannot go back. The nun was holding my hands, praying. I felt it.

Pictures of grandchildren, children, fur babies, all those things bring a smile to our lives. Keep them coming Kevin and Butch. That old refrain from Reba that says "Is there life out there" from one of her songs, well, the pictures of Gracie, of your grandchild Kevin, they make us know, even if we have lost so much, there is still "life out there" and sometimes it brings a smile to a hurting heart. Thank you. I know Father's Day is coming up, and we honor our father's like we do our mothers and if you had one to remember, then Happy Father's day. Billy was a better mother and father than I could ever hope for, and a wonderful caregiver. His children and grandchildren all miss him, as do I.

I used to write stories on FB for my friends. I told about days gone by and old family reunions, I told stories from my grandma's book she wrote for the grandchildren, I wrote stories about growing up in a small milltown in the 1940's, 50's, 60's, and just stories my friends liked to hear. (Most had grown up with me.) I don't need to get started, cause I don't shutup. I would always have Billy read them and he loved them because he was the main character in most of them and he was a ham. I wrote of our RV adventures and misadventures, but they were never sad. After he left I swore I would not write unless it could be uplifting. I tried a few times but my spark was gone. My proofreader had left. Today, I wrote of memories of places I cannot go back to now, but it wasn't sad. “Something will have gone out of us as a people if we ever let the remaining wilderness be destroyed ... We simply need that wild country available to us, even if we never do more than drive to its edge and look in.” ― Wallace Stegner, The Sound of Mountain Water I was fishing at the top of a rocky cliff like this when I snagged a huge bass. Pulling it up, it naturally got knocked back into the water. I was not disappointed, the fun was in catch and release, it had just released itself. We saw it, it was huge. I have not seen Billy get so aggravated at the loss of a fish. It was funny to me. This is the Mountain Fork River (I think) that runs below Mena. Not our picture. While we lived in Arkansas for close to 20 years, we took advantage of the wilderness. Just on the edge of Mena was a park that had a trail that was rigorous. We walked that trail with our trekking sticks many times. You had to have a walking stick because it was a terribly unsteady trail. I saw my first mulberry tree in years and years. My Mammaw had had a huge one when I was a little girl. The most beautiful wildernesses this side of NM and Colorado, we were on nearly every day. There was a wilderness that crossed the border of the two states. The trail was about five miles long and we walked it and back. Sometimes, most times, we never saw another person, but the little creeks that led into the Ouachita, Cossatot, Caddo, Mountain Fork and Poteau Rivers, we found with no footprints of modern man. Never found an arrowhead though. I looked. Never have found one and we walked places that you knew only the Native Americans had trod. (At least in my vivid imagination). Those memories are in the past, won't happen again, but still are fresh enough to enjoy. It was a pleasant time in life. The wilderness is important, as Stegner said, "even if we never do more than drive to its edge and look in."

Deb, we don't all have the same situations, for sure. The only thing most of us have in common is we grieve. But you see, I had 54 years of marriage, two children, three grandchildren and three great grandchildren. Lots of family friction in my family, always has been, but lots of already lifetime problems held and defeated, drug addiction, alcoholism, a marriage that was a wonderful marriage (the last about 30 years), but we got married in 1961. I was not yet 19, he was just a few days from 21. I had never been away from home but knew I could not go back and we did a lot of terrible things to each other, but grew up with our children. So, every relationship is not the same. Ours could have been destroyed by things we did, but it wasn't. Some had wonderful marriages the whole time they were married, magical ones for more years than ours. I wish you the best and know your stepson is by your side and that is wonderful. The girls will either come around, or they won't. Do not know the circumstances, but you still have family and family can be wonderful, and I would not want to try to live without any of mine, but I would like to kinda lasso them ever so often and put them in a corral. It is the grief we all share. Billy was my best friend. We do what we can to honor their memory. I am not far enough along that I don't hurt often. Just this morning I thought he was on the other side of me, but I jumped up as fast as a 74-year-old woman can jump and went and made coffee (which he would have already had fixed for me to just flip the switch, then I would have brought his coffee to bed to him when he got ready to get up. (Retired, and he would read sometimes to at least 2:00 a.m.) so he was not a morning person. Here I go again, another word salad.......sorry. I could talk about Billy forever. My story on FB today was our various jaunts throughout the Arkansas backroads and rivers and creeks.

Deb, I guess the responsibility of my granddaughter and finding help for her health problems and life problems helps me the most. I think it might hinder me from totally grieving the time needed, but I think back often on what Rose Kennedy said, and I think this is true, I won't quote her exactly, I have probably too many times already, but I do know she had to lean on her faith a lot, as did Jackie, and I know that is not the answer for everybody. But Rose said that time does not heal the wounds we have, but it does provide "scar tissue." I think with time, maybe we might realize what that means, and it will mean different things to every one of us. We have faced the worse shock of our life, and we hope there will be no more, but as long as we still live, if we still have people we love, the fear will now be forever with us. I wish it was not so. My former family practice doc asked me what I would do with my life after my granddaughter was able to take care of herself. I simply stated "I don't care." She gave me antidepressants that could have killed me with me not wanting antidepressants. She knew my health history and the first side effect alone could have killed me. Maybe she was trying to help my "I don't care" attitude, and she did. I fired her. I cared more than I thought. Reading the books help sometimes, but that one book I mentioned in prior notes, it bothered me more than helped. The people's remarks, maybe not talking to me, which in my case, I only talk on here (too much), anyhow, the remarks do not bother me. But, my friends are there if I need them. It is me that avoids them. I don't want to hurt their feelings, but I honestly do not need them right now. Most have lost their husbands already and I think they understand. I do have one friend that gives me unasked for advice on FB occasionally, but I just think the world of her and she just wants to help, as she has already gone through this, but she has been remarried for probably over 12 years and he is very ill. I am older and will not face this kind of loss from a long marriage again, but I will be there for her if she needs me, or asks me. And that is what this forum is for (at least to me), to voice things we won't talk with other people about. Sometimes they don't want to hear it (our friends), but the people on here have heard it all. I say a lot of unnecessary things, some may see my notes and just pass over them (who has the time), but the thing is in the verbal bleeding. Tell your story. It might not help anyone but you, but it might help you a whole lot.

I think my first forum to ever read was the Escapee's RV forum and RV.net. Did not know there was a problem with fonts and at that time I did not know how to change them. I learned from these people that if you type in all capital letters it meant you were "yelling" instead of quiet talking. I think some of the oldsters did it because they could read it better. I obviously never learned the etiquette of emails or forums. I typed from home and my long time supervisor would send me a two line note and she put her thought across in those two lines. My questions to her always were more than one paragraph. My English teaching sister informed me I was supposed to break my FB notes up into paragraphs so, I tried to watch out for that. Wish I could get my point across in two lines.

Deb, you held on a lot longer than i could. I went looking immediately and found this place at three days after Billy had passed away. I like to think he found it for me, or at least he would approve.

D&P, you keep reading. We pour our hearts out here, at least what is left of them. I am so sorry you have to join us, but here we are, and we understand everything you have to say because we are there, have been there, and will probably go there again and again.

Kay, most days I am a "whole nuther animal" than the day before. My friend Hettie could not understand why their couple groups excluded her after her husband passed. It was rude of them and I could see they hurt her feelings terrible. Hettie did not realize that she was a reminder that they were going to face being alone, and soon. The shunning is not appropriate, but it is truthful. I wish many more years for my friends, but one already is in rehab from a stroke. The 80-year-old one that was Billy's childhood friend's brother, he was in some other world, and I think his wife has her hands full, They have been married about 56 years now. He did not know me, which showed me something was wrong. And, he is not the one who had the stroke. Another cousin posts on FB each day and I can read between the lines. When he got a clean bill of health from his prostate cancer, the dementia had already started. She reaches out each day with quotes and pictures. No words saying "Help Me" but her kids live a long way from home and like all of us, she knows she has to endure. It is like I said about Billy's cousin's wife. We were more than friends, we were true cousin-in-laws. I don't want to hurt her at all, and I'm afraid it would tear off scar tissue. Sometimes we cannot go back. Sometimes people leave us. Sometimes we leave people. And we do not practice good etiquette, we all are in a survival mode and trying to find the top of the water. If they ask for my help, when they need it, I will be there. I don't think I could reminisce with any of them though. We are all alone walking this path. I have friends, but they do not push me, yet I know, if I need them they are there. This forum keeps me from pestering anyone but ya'll.

NW, don't get upset with your's and his friends. The first thing I did when I moved back to our old hometown was get in touch with his friends. We were out of state and they did not know Billy had passed. They never contacted me again. Billy was jealous of my lifelong friends and to keep peace (we were so young and immature), I made friends with his friends. We had years of close friendship until our children's activities took up more of our time, and that was all of us. When they found out I had cancer, a few got in touch with us, but somehow I felt offended at that time because it seemed they were saying goodbye. By some miracle, I did not die, but we did not all keep in touch either. We all were busy with our life that we all were living, coworkers, other people in our life, our parents getting old and passing away. We saw them then. That was okay, no thoughts of "where were you" ever thought. It was just life lived. Then I called his deceased cousin's wife, who I had not talked to in years. At the time I did not know grief, real grief in person.. She had lost two adult young sons and also my husband's cousin in a car wreck. Mary and I just loved each other as friends. At the end of the conversation, the facts had hit both of us in the face. That was a past that hurt her so much. I was part of that past and even though I knew she still cared for me, I was also part of her grief, a grief she lived with but had remarried after many years and was trying to lead her life now.. I told Billy that I was part of a painful memory to Mary (we were pregnant at the same time), and I would not talk to her again. I doubt if she knows Billy is gone. I won't call her again, I will just hope for peace for her now. Again, I informed our friends here in our old hometown. I never heard from them again. My feelings are not hurt at all. I am a reminder of something they will have to face one day and I am sure they already hear the footsteps. This is why you have to admire the real Angels that monitor a place like this and all the real Angels that work in hospice. Someone has to do these things, but for myself, I would rather try to train a tank of rattlesnakes to sleep. We carry a powerful thing on our backs and only Angels can help us with this load. I have friends I can talk to, all those friends I left when I got married, they are still my friends and reach out to me occasionally. The thing that they understand, most have already lost their husbands, is that when I am ready for socializing, I will reach out, and I know they will still be there. Don't be offended. We, somehow, show the world that we all are mortal.

Karen, that is spoken truth and our walk each day, hour, minute.

I know I sometimes sound like a Christian who knows her Bible, but I left that person behind too many years ago to even imagine. Dear Butch, you have been put through the fire and I cannot even imagine your pain. I know we are not supposed to talk religion or politics and of course I would not mention the president as an example of anything, but when I was a child I picked out people in the Bible as specific important people. My favorite book was Ruth. (And, to be sure, cannot remember if that was a book of the Bible or just an important person to me, as a child and young adult). But, in knowing you and your family from this forum, I can compare you to Job. And again, I am only going from remembering (and we know how faulty I am with that.) As a child though, I can remember wondering why so much happened to him. He was not a mean person. I also remember as an adult watching a Ra-bi on TV who had lost his young son. It was such a sad story and he went on to write the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People." I will admit not reading the book. Losing a child is something I cannot read about. I can read about losing a husband or wife, but not a child. And, I know this is not specific to this subject, but I won't watch a movie where a child dies........or an animal. They seem the most helpless of God's creatures and my understanding does not go this far. Just know that with my mustard seed faith, I do pray for peace for your little family, and mine, and all of ours. Not sure he pays that much attention to me because when I pray to Jesus, I talk to Billy too, and I am sure they look at each other, shrug, and consider the source.

I ordered this book (A Grief Observed) for my Kindle after reading one of Brad's notes (if I remember correctly). I do have to put that because remembering correctly is something I do not usually do. The task of remembering is a painful thing to do. I read up on the people who write these books. There is no telling how the grieving mind will intercept the intent of a book. I spoke of reading the book "Life After Heaven" by Steven Musick. The book was meant to be uplifting, and I believe the author meant nothing but good will by writing it. I do not know him personally, of course, but the many people who do, think he is wonderful. This book left me thoroughly confabulated. It disrupted my life in a way I cannot explain. And, it was not meant to do that. It was written to help people. I finished the book while washing clothes and left it in the washateria for someone else to read. I think it is an uplifting book for 99.9% of the population. I am just that weird minority. I will say that I am a fan of anything C.S. Lewis writes. As a child, my book collection of renting from the Springhill Library was always biographies. I needed to "know" these people, and I still need to know them. I want them all to have "a life well-lived."

BIBLE VERSE QUOTED HERE: Thank you Butch. It helps to see her and I actually know she helps you also. As far as anger with God, my mother's hospice book said that this was a normal thing. I was understanding of this because I think that is one thing we all have in common. I have repeated this before, my mama would always talk about the peace that passes all understanding. I'm not there yet and I don't think very many of us have that peace. I believe my mom has it now and I think while she was ill and long before, she knew her little mind needed that peace. I don't have it yet. Philippians 4:7 English Standard Version: And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I am known to be wrong often, but Kevin, I think we have the final season of Longmire yet. You all live in beautiful country.

Mama would have been 96 on the 2nd and they would have been married 77 years on the 8th. Daddy would have been 98. I know people live that long and are only slightly disarrayed. I can imagine Daddy would be deaf, or at least he would try to be, and Mama would still be talking constantly. I was so mean I prayed once for God to not make her sick, but to please just make her mute for a little while. I was a teenager.