Margm

One show Billy would always record was one called Heartland, filmed in Canada with Canadian actors. So, I guess you all from Canada know all about it. Today, before Brianna got up, I made myself watch some of the shows. It did not hurt near as bad as I thought it would. Beautiful country. Good clean series.

Gin, I wrote one of my word salads and all I am doing is repeating myself. We are half a person, but until we have to leave, we have to function. Sometimes I can feel possibly my heart having trouble. And, we all are scared because we are all one fall away from the nursing home. Okay, we have grief, we have terrible fear, and we still have to keep going until our body completely wears out. Some of us are not in as good health as others. We have lost our will to live. I have my granddaughter I have to consider, so I cannot consider me. But one consolation, if I am gone I won't have to worry about it. And they won't have to pack all my things up. I never unpacked. Kevin, I admire your forge ahead attitude. Hope you didn't hurt your back. Loved picture of your Angela. I know we are all hurting and I don't think we are going to quit. People learn to live with disabilities and this is one we have to learn to live with. I worry about our fellow in his car. I think I could live in my car if I had to. I remember three members of a family that lived in their car at this public park for years (and it can get cold and wet in winter) until the police finally had them do something about it. They were in the middle of two major highway arteries so everyone saw them. Sometimes life's a bitch and then you die. Butch, maybe we need another chocolate picture of Gracie.

Since Billy left I do not plan my life. I hope I can stay long enough for Brianna to find a life. But, that is something I don't do anymore, I don't look ahead. I'm in this apartment, I take Brianna to school and to the doctor, but I don't plan for myself. I think that goes along with what we are all suffering from. I know that Jackie and Rose depended on their faith. After my daughter spent three years being molested by the youth minister, I was so distraught I went inside a Catholic church. Actually, the priest's brother was one of our doctor's at my hospital (I didn't know ahead of time), but I needed reassurance, my church was breaking up and he told me evil happened in the Catholic church also. Well, I know all this. But, after the nun praying holding my hand each day I was supposed to be dying, I felt such peace. So, if one thing does not work, why not try something else? But my last emotion to Billy was anger for giving up, so what do I know about anything. I know nothing.

Well, I used to have a cartoon of a group of people putting the elderly out on an ice floe and pushing them out to sea. Not many ice floes in Louisiana, guess I'm safe. Thanks Ana.

Kevin, it still hurts to see Billy's pictures, but I think that is sweet of you putting her picture up. You can always go get the jacket out of the box, if you want to. I have a lot of Billy's clothes hanging in between mine. It has provided no magical fantastical illuminating moments, but they don't take up much room.

Your daughter's choices run on the same rails as my granddaughter. I pray she will have the bravery of your daughter with you and Ron both behind her. Billy was the only daddy my granddaughter ever knew, but she could not have had a better one. I just wish she could have had him longer, as you yourself wish.

George, I have one sister. I am nearly nine years older than her. I fussed at her one time after we were grown and she cried. I will never fuss at her again. No, she is not right all the time. Her education has made her where when she talks, it is more of a different language than the rest of us. One friend rode back home with her from a state meeting in the capital and he told my husband he did not understand one word of what she said. Yet, that little sister of mine worked for over 20 years in a department of state government that took children away from bad parents. I would talk to her at night and could hear the tinkle of ice in the glass. The horrible circumstances she found those children in led her to drinking to forget. She lived alone in the French Quarter in a very nice place. So alone. She entered herself into a rehab and we could not see her or hear from her for a long time and then she attended AA meetings religiously. She and Mama helped her complete more education to teach in colleges and then all of a sudden she was stuck taking care of our mother for 11 years. I give her leeway, but as much education as she has, it does not help her live in this world by herself as disabled as she is. Your sister sounds like she has heard the footsteps heavy behind her. And, being one of two siblings, it is hard on both of you. I did not do near enough to help my sister. I lived too far away, but we were moving down here when Billy passed away. Too little, too late. Your sister has her husband to depend on also, but maybe she feels she is taking care of him also. We were called the hamburger generation. We were the meat in the middle stuck between grown children and aging parents. Your mind is clear that you have done as much as you can and if your sister cannot see that, then you did right in not discussing or fussing about it. She might be totally unreasonable because, like I said, she has heard the footsteps heavy behind her, and you have lived without your mate when she still has hers. Life seems so unfair sometimes. I admire you for not fussing with her. Sometimes we females have too much to say..............yep.

I knew we had gone too far in enabling our kids. We both knew it, but we both said if we had to do it all over again, we would do things the same way. So, we never "learned" and we never did like the animals and birds, we never pushed them out of the nest. There was an old saying "How will they learn to walk if their feet never hit the floor" and that resonated with me over the years, but I just could not gently push them away. Neither could Billy. You pay for what you get. We paid, I still pay. Not fair to them for when I am gone.

Now that picture should be put somewhere with the caption "Grandpa had me for the week-end, can you tell?" As many toils and trouble that that little one has had, her picture brought my first smile of the day. Life does go on, whether we are here to watch it or not. It goes on..............

Oh Butch, I hope you can take the time off too, but I do know that during the time off you will be worrying about not being there with them. It is just the nature of the beast. You have been through so much and I hope you can take a deep breath without worrying about not being there. Prayers with you my friend, and your family also.

Too true.........

I don't know if this even fits here, but when has that ever mattered to me. Knowing Billy was dying was sprung on me so fast I denied it. I don't even remember what my daughter told me last night. When Dr. Southerland was in the room telling us we could not take him out of the hospital because his treatment had already started, I was just wanting to take him back to our smaller hospital. They had told me his type of cancer would be treated the same way no matter where we went. I don't even remember him saying this "Don't you all know that I know what is going on?" I don't remember it because I was not going to let it happen. I was going to have a miracle. Then God demoted me to a regular person. Our main doctor knew my feelings and she wrote out the orders to leave. I had talked to our oncologist that had got so excited about my Factor IX blood disorder, it was one of two hospitals I retired from, they literally saved my life and I was going to have another miracle. The oncologist told me that the other doctor was wrong, I could have left that hospital right then, but instead I let them put Billy through pain I could have prevented if I had had a backbone. Tom, I wanted to go too but Billy had told me "the one left must stay." Hurt my feelings. Doug Flutie's parents died within minutes of each other, I believe. My friend's brother-in-law passed away. His wife, at the "viewing" had a heart attack and passed away. No matter how bad I wanted to go, religion stood in my way, and also Billy saying that the one left must stay. I think of the funeral director at Billy's last place to be, he was married 66-years-and directed hundreds of grieving people. He had just lost his wife of 66 years and his lips were put in a permanent smile, but his eyes were the saddest things and told his story. They said every evening he would just go sit at the graveside and talk to her. Lots of living and dying, but sometimes we don't have a choice, we have to stay behind. And how I hope that when we meet again, it will be glorious. I am Baptist (mustard seed Baptist).

I called the credit union that financed our RV. They take the money out of my credit union as payment. There are still $16,000 owed on this RV. Of course I am never late, but I told them today (I have written them a change of address), but even after telling them on the phone, they wanted me to write it with my driver's license picture. I told them the one who purchased the RV had passed away 10/17/2015. I also told them I would pay for it as long as I lived, but I guaranteed them they would not get anywhere near $16,000 for that piece of "stuff". I also told them that when I left there would be no estate to take the money from and they might get $5,000 for the RV, if I left real fast. Someone put the picture of a dog that was 15-18 years old that his owner had passed away and the pup just did not understand. So, you might say "just my dogs" but you make up their life. So, you do have something that depends on you. When I was making my decision to go to the woods, I was thinking of nothing but myself and following Billy. But you see, we all have something or someone that depends on us. You are important. I am important. All the people on here are important. And yes, you would be in all kinds of fixes with or without him. Sharing makes it easier. Life is not easy.

Nope Gwen, my backwoods trip was wrong. Let me tell you what I have been through with my kids. My drug taking bipolar son, I fought keeping tabs on him constantly because he had told me he did not want to live. He had lost both kids through divorce and his foray into drugs, into the drug world was terrifying. I came to his friend's house and I found him laying on a futon mattress with roaches crawling all over him and he looked like a skeleton. I finally decided I could not take it anymore and went on a camping vacation into the Gila Wilderness. The forestry service found us. He had tried to collect on a drug debt for mob related debt. I didn't know he was in this "mob" and that is as far as I can go with that. The police would not even let me have his glasses. He was in ICU and had coded twice, but he was only shot in the leg. At my hospital (no cell phones then) so I would stop and call my girls in the office. It hit the femoral artery and he tied off his leg with his coat. Friends and family donated blood and it took a lot of it to save this life that he would have given up so easy. Then my daughter, bipolar also. I visited her psychiatrist at an upper floor in my hospital. I told him I was so worried she was going to commit suicide. He looked me straight in the face and said "If she is determined to do it there is nothing you can do." Not this mama, I was going to fight this if I never slept again. Ironically, this very psychiatrist committed suicide not a year later. I guess he knew himself. I know some of you feel you are alone, and by losing that most important person in our life, we are alone. I stay in a quandary all the time worrying about my family, and believe me, I have one crazy family. What can I expect with me as a mother, but somehow or other, despite all my chronic lifelong depression, I never knew I wanted to live so bad as when I had cancer. So, I have dealt with the suicide portion of life, all my life. Gwen, I still think there is some reason to keep living, and I pray (yes my mustard seed faith) that you find a reason and soon. I have no answers, you do have a counselor, and I know that I for one would miss you terribly if you took up my backwoods idea, and would have another guilt added to my already tired brain.

Kay, you are a good woman. How often do I judge on my middle aged children's and my grandchild's behalf. This healthcare situation is so different in each state, and honestly, I don't have healthcare problems because I don't go. I have tried to establish myself here in my hometown, but somehow I am going to have to give a little to just have a healthcare provider that I don't think I am smarter than. I do not have a prescription pad, thank goodness. If I need a doctor I still go to my AR nurse practitioner. I did have all my records sent to a clinic here in town. Have had occasion to go to the ER when I fell once and cannot praise them enough, fast and efficient. I told my daughter that they were no longer called dermoid cysts/tumors, they are now called teratomas. Her doctor asked her how she knew that and she said Dr. Mims told her. She told him that I had been a transcriptionist for nearly 50 years (it was just 43), and he said "well, I'll bet she does know as much as most of our physicians know and she covers all specialties." I finally did read about Kelli's problem and Bri's dry sockets also, but I broke myself from reading Web MD,, Mayo Clinic and all the other health sites a long time ago. I did not read up on Billy's illness because of guilt. When given the diagnosis, I noticed things I should have seen a long time before he passed. I slept with this man every night and did not notice any changes except what I believed was natural aging, on both our parts. My colon rupture and sepsis had been a miracle to come out of and I did not want to read up on all this. I do not know the words exactly, but Mark Twain said "do not read health books, you might die of a misprint." And again, I am not looking this verse in the Bible up, but I can hear my mama saying "do not lean onto your own understanding." I know there is more to that one, but not going to look for it. I hope all our families heal, because losing a mother, father, husband, sibling, a child, they all have their own set of consequences in the grief process. And Gwen, whatever people say about this, I think God invented Xanax for a reason.

And, just a bit of good news is what we all need ever so often. Good luck Karen. Our families provide so much just by being time consuming and requiring so much attention that sometimes the word "grief" is not the "word of the day." Survive is a word too.

It really bothered me that I had left my keys in the car in the on position. I am so careful with my purse, glasses, keys, cell phone, and have a certain place they have to be. I get so scared when they are not in the place they are supposed to be. You see, I have two more pair of the pants coming in with the big pockets. That makes about 14 pair (I have worn some of them out). I never wear any kind but this kind because I can sleep in them, wear them out every day, put a nice blouse and flats with them and go to church (which I need to do bad). Go ahead and laugh. I have to make it simple. Anyhow, I wanted to check the mileage from here to Hot Springs and I had forgot to look. So, I had to have the car turned on to do this. And, I just plain forgot them, had to unpack the car, etc. Okay, the best part of this is ...............I remembered why I had left them in the car. At my age, in the state of panic my mind has been in lately, remembering is a big accomplishment. To add to my little problems Brianna has a dry socket to one of the wisdom teeth sockets. She really gets cranky when she hurts. And, I don't like my kids or grandkids to hurt.

Folks, I don't think Billy was actually listening, but when I was in my car, or just walking from the house to the washateria, I looked to the sky and talked to Jesus and Billy. Would get them mixed up but just felt like someone was listening. Then no one was at the end of my phone to Heaven. We never did too much to celebrate occasions. We had family reunions we went to in our younger years and then of course Christmas and Thanksgiving, but other than Billy needing to always get presents, not much celebrating so when the days come around they are just another day without him. I do buy him a card still and say the things I used to say, but acknowledging so many months without him. I don't know, but I think my family provides me with enough worry and problems that like today, I did cry, but I cried because Kelli's tumors have shrunk. Still have some health problems with Bri and worry about Scott, but they are all following the path that is for them and I don't want to go along for the ride, but helping when I can. Somehow, I just felt Billy could hear me. I begged/prayed for help with Kelli, so maybe they are listening. And this Dr. Lenera, is a word salad. Mama used to make a wilted salad using bacon grease on fresh greens from the garden with little green onions, and I feel wilted and tired.

Just a note. Kelli had her 2nd injection of the new chemo. It makes her terribly sick, throwing up and she loses her hair all over again, but by MRI the tumors, that are no longer called dermoid, they call them teratomas, they have shrunk down so much she might not need six months of the chemo. I very seldom have a song on my mind, but this morning I had a hymn playing over and over in my mind. For no reason. I very seldom sing or hum hymns. Actually, very seldom listen to music much anyhow. "Precious Lord, take my hand Lead me on, let me stand I'm tired, I'm weak, I'm lone Through the storm, through the night Lead me on to the light Take my hand precious Lord, lead me home" Kinda scared me. Not sure if it meant I was coming or going. Maybe Billy was talking to me. Don't know what, but know I am over the moon happy that the chemo is working and she is being followed by the best neurosurgeon. He was going to be the one to operate on Billy's aneurysm.

I am a coward, but it seemed perfectly reasonable for me to take those 50 pain pills, walk way back in those Arkansas woods, and they were thick and massive. No one would have found me for months, maybe years. Of course I was only thinking of myself and Billy, and then religion came into the problem. Then at 3 days I found this forum. Still, I hope God understands, but if I have some terrible illness that I would be a burden on my family, I hope I have enough courage to go to that state that allows this. Am I wrong? Is it Oregon? No one wants to be a burden on their loved ones. I saw my mom linger for 11 years. I had a family and lived away from home, but my sister was alone and the burden fell on her. (My mom was deathly afraid of nursing homes and did not ever want to leave her home.) I know my mom was a mastermind sometimes, and it was to the point of maybe insanity, like she said, "that fine line." Mama would never let go of a penny unnecessarily, but she "invested" in my sister's education for years and years. Probably three degrees over her lifetime. My sister never accepted anything but an "A" for her grade and expected more if possible. That investment of my mother's took 11 years out of my sister's life. Can we do such a thing to our children? But, is it true that in China, after age 60, it is the law for the family to take care of the elderly. To me 60 is a young person. Old might be 86. I fit in there somewhere. I don't want to be taken care of. I want to take care of myself (however that fits into the equation) since my healthcare provider left rather suddenly.

I will copy this and send it to Kelli. She and her partner both have diabetes. The chemo plays havoc with it. Thank you.

I saw that on FB, or somewhere. I think I give in to my frailties where someone else will take something that makes them weak and use that as their strength. I admire that so much. I admire your love for your family George and your going out of your way to be attentive to them. I have put flowers on my mom and dad's grave, but I don't think I was that good a daughter. I still have not cried for my mom and she and Daddy did not have an instruction book on how to raise a difficult daughter like me. Nor did I have one for my kids. We all flew by the seat of our pants and did not do what we felt was wrong with our own raising. Billy's folks never said "I love you" to each other at all. Billy would not let me leave the house without saying it and if I forgot, I knew to come right back home and say it. That tickled him. He had his sister saying it right before he passed. I cannot talk to his sister nor she to me yet without crying, so we just don't talk. She is the only one left of that family and we went to see her in New Mexico once a year and she would come back here once a year. Some things get lost if not tended to.

Kevin and Tom, this is headed into my 20th month and things I took for granted before, these are the triggers and I feel terrible. I have some wonderful friends in Hot Springs, I worked with them 10 years, yet I could not bring myself to even call them. They would be there for me if I had called, one lost her husband just before I lost Billy, one a few years before and I wish now I had had more empathy for them. The most recent loss, she is the one that fussed at me because I would wake up and tell Billy's side of the bed I knew he was gone and would not be back and had to accept that. She fussed and said never do that again. You tell him that he will always be right beside you, and just that little thing helped me so much. Yet, I could not call them. Maybe next time. Gin, I have always talked to the stars, the moon, and to the low hanging gray and white fluffy clouds. I don't know so much that Billy heard me, (he had three old girlfriends from his past go on before he did, so I guess he was running around with them) and I am joking.......kinda. Anyhow, the connection I felt before was just me connecting with him, not so much him connecting with me. Now it seems like I just cannot connect period. I'm sure it probably has to do with my mustard seed faith.

You see how much we all understand. And, I will continue writing my word salads, my treatises to my own selfish grief, yet I cannot read any of my first posts from that October of 2015. Yes, I think I have come a long way, but I have run into a road block I did not see coming. The very young Billy, only 20-21, if I got angry "at him" he would not speak to me for a week. This was mental abuse of the worse kind for me. I was a talker, if he told me to "shut-up" if I ran out of words I would recite the encyclopedia, so this was terrible abuse to me. But, I cannot talk to him now. I try to and I cannot feel that he hears, even in my magical, fantastical imagination. What have I done to make him angry? Dr. Lenera, I don't lean on my family to discuss my grief with. I discuss it here, because this is the place that someone, at sometime in their grieving process, we have felt all these things. And, if they can get through one of my word salads, they understand everything. I think sometimes my southern, redneck, country way of thinking might make them shake their head, but they sometimes answer anyhow. Your in good company. ADDENDUM: Oh, Gwen, you know I understand the anxiety and fear stage, state, or whatever it is called. I'm with you honeychile.

Eagle, we see all the terror attacks and think about the many families that are in the throes of what we all have gone through and my granddaughter gets afraid to get outside. Last night the London born, TV's Late Night with James Cordon host, showed that Londoner's, UK population would not let these terrorists dominate them and they would all live a life without fear, it was a TV show that helped my granddaughter. Eleanor Roosevelt said “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” I once had this pasted to my PC that I worked on because I would get so scared of learning new programs. It helped me back in those younger days. I know this quote so well, it has meant so much to me in the past, but somehow now, quotes do not reach through my grief impaired brain. I wish they could.