Margm

Your family have to appreciate you so much. A very good son and brother.

I deleted my synopsis. Amazon usually asks a critique on things you get from them, but this came from Walmart. .

By now everyone knows I am an odd creature and I do not wear grief comfortably. I know, none of us are comfortable in our grief. "Life After Heaven" by Steven Musick, was a very good book to some people and was written with a purpose. He waited years to write it, unsure how it would be taken. Not sure it needs added to our list, since it had such a disappointing feeling to me, but thank God everyday, not everybody is like me. I think the proceeds from this book go to one of his charities, and he is such a giving man. There are some people who do not believe in an afterlife and I have never put any real thinking into reincarnation or stuff like that. But, people have their own beliefs and mine should not shake theirs at all, no wind in these trees. I have enough trouble with my mustard seed faith. I do like reading about people of faith, but still, mine, yours, everybody's faith in what they do or don't believe is their own. I felt guilty (typical me) giving a synopsis of a book that might mean something glorious to some people. Did not make my mustard seed sprout mustard leaves (do they have leaves?) but since he does so much good, I should take nothing away.

Some one on this forum said, when I first joined 19 months ago that time to them is nothing. Ten years is a second, not counted at all. And, I don't know how people know that. I know my son was shot and coded twice on the operating table. First time he remembers nothing but second time he remembers it all being light with people all around him and he knew them all, but didn't know how he knew them. I know strange things can happen, and have happened to me, but just like hearing the women's voices going up Signal Peak in Pinos Altos, NM, Billy said he heard them too. When we got to the top there was no one and they would have had to pass us on the way down. Billy was not superstitious at all. So, when I told someone about hearing them I said "didn't we hear them Billy?" He said "I didn't hear anything." That was my Billy. I did a lot of reading about the voices and this mountain and they had been heard before. Billy took all my mystical magic with him though.

I think the book was "Life After Heaven" by Steven Musick. Did not make be doubt Heaven, but I just could not talk to Billy after that, not and think that he heard me. I know that sounds weird. Still, my mustard seed faith is the same, just don't feel he wants to hear from me. And, I do know how creepy that sounds.

Oh my gosh, how beautiful. I hope you opened the window and just breathed in all that oxygen those trees are producing.

George, I read some of this book. I do not find it objectionable. I have read so many books by widows and widowers and tried to see if they were feeling what I was feeling. I have read so many, I forget the names of the famous people right now. One famous author was sitting across the table from her husband when he just died suddenly, no warning. And the woman that I followed and bought her books on bipolar illness and then her crutch, her reason for living passed away. He had kept a log of her moods. He was a doctor too, specializing in things about her illness/mental disability. That is what bipolar does sometimes, it provides a genius level sometimes to part of the brain that imparts art, composing, writing, all kinds of talents. This woman was very intelligent, had this disability and lost her reason to keep going. But she did keep going, and she had many friends in the big college where she and her husband were on faculty. It was a shock to me, and should have made me happy for her, that she remarried a couple of years later, to another colleague. My acquaintance from long ago, she was an immaculate housekeeper, so her husband stood in the bathtub and shot himself, so as not to stain her carpet. Life is so strange. I did all the research on my cancer (no internet or google then) but in our school's medical library. It became an obsession that I was lucky I did not lose my job because of. My doctor begged me to quit. Ordered me to quit. And then one day I just quit. I had read research into a rabbit's genitourinary system and I realized, yes, I did know how to spell the words and I did know a lot of the meanings, but this was totally uncharted territory. I was out of my league. That one article stopped an obsession that had taken over my mind (and scared me nearly to death). I quit reading the books when I read one man's description of heaven. He had been in a coma so long and the book was compelling up until that point. I am not going to doubt that he felt he had visited heaven. But the feelings he had about heaven made me think that if Billy felt the same way then I could not really even talk to him anymore. I felt Billy needed me to talk to him. I don't feel that anymore and I let that book take away my closeness feelings of Billy. I try not to let it, but it has interfered with my grieving and I won't read any of the books anymore. I think most of us on this forum have paths that we follow that are closely aligned to each other. I think your a wonderful Christian George and I appreciate you very much. ADDENDUM: I just visited another part of our forum and saw where Steve had recommended a book called "Grief Diaries" It has some more to it, but, I put it on my Kindle. I think and hope it will nullify that last book I read. I don't mean I hope that there isn't a heaven, I just mean I might feel like Billy is listening maybe.

I think that is why this group is here, we all have loss. And, NW, I cannot let my guilt go, but I don't let it control me anymore. I let a brief moment of happiness in when I wanted to go see "Journey" and they are coming to neighbor city. I was so elated that I shocked myself back down into the guilt gutter. I shocked myself. Happiness? I am not allowed happiness unless Billy shares it with me. At 19 months, I now realize that anything I feel that is close to happiness, is mine. Actually, the guilt is fading. Time? No, that thin layer of scar tissue covering the wound. It does not take much to rip it away and leave bare hurting wounds. I realize, we are not denied happiness. That is allowed, but somehow I cannot find it yet. I don't go back usually and read old posts I have made. Maybe I should. Sometimes I just repeat things. I'm sorry, I wrote the same stuff below, so I will just delete part of it. I remember my grandmother, this was my Mammaw, and she was a sweet woman, I wanted to be like her, but as a grandmother, not as a person who repeats things over and over. Bless her heart, after my dad passed at age 64, she kinda lost her little mind and would repeat something over and over. Maybe I have reached that point.

Enough of my history crap, I said I was not going to write anymore. Mama always said when anything went wrong I always looked guilty. Dave, you were not a secret. When you say her "ex" husband, he is the father of her boys, but she was not under his house anymore. Boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance, fiancee, whatever you are to someone, you are not a secret that would cause her children to think different of their mama. Mama's and Daddy's are not saints, we do lots wrong. But, by the time I slide on outta here, there will be no surprises. Not perfect parents, not perfect partners (except the last part), but I would not want my grown kids to find out their dad had been anything any different than the man they knew all their life.

I felt so strong about it that I wrote and wrote and deleted and deleted. I wish I was as wise as you, I would have kept my opinions to myself. And, they are very strong opinions, and when they are, that is when I need to keep quiet.

Oh Butch, he is growing up so fast from the other pictures. Your family has been through the flames, I hope you all have as peaceful a time as you can from here on out. Thank you for letting us meet Caleb again.

I do apologize to the group as a whole for my insensitive remarks to a member of the group. I am sorry, I cannot apologize to that person directly, or indirectly, but for those that think I said too much, I agree. I erased a lot, I rewrote a lot, and finally I left a lot that really did not need to be said. We all hurt over loss, that is the common thread of this forum. This time this stirred up a firestorm that I should have squelched at the beginning. I know that. We have all kinds of relationships on here, but I cannot see harming a family that has already lost their mother. Obviously he expected an apology, but you have to apologize from the heart and I did not feel it. I do apologize to the group though that thought me insensitive.

Thanks Kevin, we sure see enough valleys. Beautiful poem. Sometimes we are given longer lives and I fall back on "only the good die young" and I consider anything and up to my age as young. One thing with loss, we have a lot more valley's to explore. I wrote that she had passed away but cannot find the article I read to back that up, so maybe she is not. I hope not. We need more poems like that.

Marita, I am the insensitive person making the remarks. I have told why and do not want to see this woman's family hurt anymore than they already are. I will remove my posts, they are my opinion and mine alone. We all have lost someone who means the world to us and there is no excuse for my being hateful. I will not reply to any more of these posts, as I do feel strongly about what I have said. We all hurt in different ways. Grief does not belong to one person and I am afraid I let my personal life guide me. I cannot apologize because I still feel very strongly in what I said. If it was insensitive to others, and I am sure it was, then I have no excuse, because it came from my heart and worry about the family of a deceased person. I cannot apologize. But, I do wish I had kept my feelings to myself. I will watch my words more closely and will not reply if something makes me angry. Everyone is in a lot of pain and the point is not to cause anymore pain for the deceased loved ones. I guess my mistake was in not considering him, and considering her family the most.

I think sometimes grief makes us unstable in ways we are not happy with. Somehow or other, this rocked my instability in ways I am not proud of. And, I'm through.

I will just go ahead and remove my reply. It really was appropriate, but maybe should not be said by me. I don't know you.

I know Karen. All the fellows I knew are either gone or somehow got old. Glad I don't look in the mirror anymore. I can be any age I want to be. Have not put on makeup but maybe five times......since. Clint Black could sure play Roy Rogers in a remake of his life.

Jase, I honestly thought I was the only one who had trouble with "kids." Mine are middle aged kids now. Some of the stories I could tell, and have. My son is like me though, he does not ask for anything. Billy's family were poor as church mice. They fought over "nothing," absolutely nothing. No money, rented house, no car, not even a horse or dog. They fought over absolutely nothing. (Billy did not fight). He said "I got all I needed from Daddy" and they were all over him wanting to know what he had. He said "I had his love" and they all shut up, wonder of wonders. I am comfortable, but if I go, they gonna lose a lot of stuff. My poor little country grandma ran a little crossroads country store that was put together with probably flour paste. She kept all her accounts on a red Big Chief tablet of paper with a #2 pencil. That is what she wrote her will on, properly documented also. That little country woman left those six remaining "children" money and land and assigned things in the house to each "child." She wrote them a letter and in it she asked "Please don't fuss." Yep, with her #2 pencil on Big Chief Tablet. (Tell me there are still people alive besides me that remember those rough paper Big Chief writing tablets.) And of course they fought. May have threatened lawsuits, and they were all so mean I know the Devil would not keep them in hell, so maybe God keeps them corralled. I hope so cause Mama was so looking forward to being with her sisters. Of course all husbands died before any of the girls, strictly for their own protection. I know your feelings are hurt. During the whole 54 years of marriage Billy tried to hold me down from "fighting back," to just be laid back and cool. I was always the antsy, anxious, panicky person. I knew Billy would outlive me years and years. Now I am listening to Billy. (I'm trying damned hard to listen anyhow). They sure can hurt us though when we are already down. My best to you Jase, protect yourself, things will calm down hopefully, but my little grandma lived into her 80's with the rowdiest family I have ever been around. Bossy, mean old kids. Good luck. They say only the good die young. Mama was 95. She was the last one. (Yep, there goes another of the 10 commandments down the drain). "Honor thy father and thy mother."

Gin, even though I had Billy all my life, for some reason he would not throw away Tee shirts. Just plain old white Tee shirts, so he put them in the chest of drawers that to me always had an odor. Not body odor, a wood odor. I guess it must have to him too because he had 4-5 drawers of just nothing but old Tee shirts. No one wants them, I am sure, they are old and yellowed from age, but I put them all in a huge plastic box with handles. (Burned the chest of drawers). I use boxes (big plastic boxes) as tables (bedside and coffee tables), TV tables, and have them stacked against the wall. I might go through them one day. I might never go through them period. Right now I am leaning toward never opening them and just thinking of different ways I can decorate with boxes. (Remember, I am not a housekeeper), not at all. And to even open one would be like stirring into something I don't want to cry over, so I won't. They are not hurting anything and if I do decide to move again, I'm all packed.

That is so good to hear cause I could not stand to stay angry at my Billy. Sometimes I think I use angry to squash down some of the grief. ""Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of man, THE SHADOW KNOWS." And, I can put that there cause I know you remember it So, I look up to the sky and I say "I love you Billy" and he looks down and says "just wait, we are having so much fun up here I don't want to come back." Dinky little man. (I love you Billy).

I am going to put this on this "catch all hell" post. I watched a movie last night, I watched all of it and the whole thing was not near as good as the first part of it. Shirley MacLaine is probably one of my favorite actresses. At age 84, she has still got "it." Whatever "it" is. The movie's name is "Wild Oats" and it was made in 2016. It has Jessica Lange and Billy Connerly in it too. But, the parts that reminded me of stuff I have read on here happened during the funeral of her husband and afterwards at the wake. The only sad part to any of this is "it is so typical" of what we all have heard. It is on Netflix. I lost interest, but watched it anyhow. About midway. It became too fantastical but the first part of the movie was so typical of what you all have gone through, the terribly sad things people say, and I found myself laughing. I hope you do too. Please don't think I am belittling the things people say to grieving people but honestly, at the wake the same thing was being said. "He's in a better place." That irritated Shirley MacLaine to no end. It was good to see it put the way it was. If anyone sees it that has not lost someone, maybe they will just hold their tongue, because you really cannot say anything that will help.

I do not go back and read my old notes. But, my first one must have been about October 21st or 20th, 2015. I do not know what led me here three days after Billy left me, but the guilt and suicidal thoughts were heavy on my mind. I started writing my old refrain just now, but I will not write it. But, I do sometimes think it and say "no, no, no, no" as many times as it takes to rid my brain of the truth. We had some sort of pact, unspoken, but we could not leave the house without saying "I love you." It would tickle Billy, but sometimes I would get down the road (before cell phones) and turn around and come back, because that boy expected me to say it and would get his feelings hurt if I didn't. I knew this, and I let him go without holding him. There, I did it again, I said it again, and I hate that guilt. Billy, while we were still children, married children, he was so jealous (not because I gave him reason), but because of his home situation. He was unreasonably jealous, which unfortunately I nursed a smoldering fire inside me for the torture he put me through and I paid him back. (Not proud of that). Strangely, after those first 20 years, that boy was never jealous again, my payback hurt me worse than him, and the last 30 or so years were an almost perfect marriage/partnership. I won't say we never got angry at each other, but I cannot remember them like I did the fusses of the first few years. We grew up with our children. Someone moved into the apartments and I heard her talking to two more women who lived here about one of our single men that moved in. This guy is a true redneck and I just really like him. He checks on Bri and me each day as if he was my own son. He is just a friendly fellow. (I know some of his friends). Anyhow this woman hardly looks at him, and he does not flirt with her, just is friendly with her husband the same. She mentioned how jealous her husband was of this and it all fell down on my head again and I found myself getting angry at Billy all over again. And staying angry, even though I know how senseless this is, and I need to forget that part of my life. It was just a training ground for what turned out to be good, and he apologized over and over and told me how wrong he knew he was to act that way. I know anger is one stage, but I don't like this stage. Heck, I don't like any stage of this grief.

Now if we can all tune our life to the right channel, like this woman listened to, like you hear, we can, if not dance, we can listen to the music.

Some of us have a long way to go but you lead by example. Happy Birthday, and if you don't exactly have the world by the tail, you have climbed up on its back. Congratulations, and I hope those birthdays just keep on coming. Proud of you.

After all the radiation for cancer and the ruptured colon with sepsis, I call myself a ticking time bomb. My insides won't hold a stitch, so I cannot be fixed if anything else happens. I am familiar with Marfan's. They conducted a study on it right across from our office in the medical school I worked for so many years. And lightening. We certainly have a varied lifestyle of all of us on this forum. That makes it easier to talk to everyone, we all have loss, and we have it so many ways, but however it happens, we all suffer from grief at its worse. No matter how the loss happened, we are missing that part of our life that made us complete. I feel sometimes I am flopping with half a body, one arm, one leg, part of a heart, and Billy took most of the brain with him. What I have left of my heart is with each of you.