Margm

Karen, I was wondering where you were. Life does get in our way sometimes but having life get in our way means it is still out there.. I think our son got comfortable staying with us for two months and I got too comfortable also. He has lived with us off and on all his life. I can live with him perfectly, but his girlfriend, who is in and out, I cannot live with and they cannot live with each other full time either. I give her credit for hating it in this part of the country so she does not like to come. They can carry on this kind of relationship, as if they were married, and not see anyone else for 10 years. But, he did take the RV back to AR and will take courses in Plein-air painting from a man up there. He is an excellent artist, but cannot rely on that for a living, but gets VA Disability also. Please Karen, let us know how your son is doing. I know you worry. I am taking Brianna this morning for ultrasound of her tummy. She is hypothyroid and has periods about once every three months. Also has gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD), so we will have to take a trip to get this done as she has Arkansas insurance. Will be 18 in July. Good to hear from you Karen.

I'm sorry Gwen. I know panic attacks, but I do not know them to the extreme depths that yours afflict you. And no, meditation does not help. It is like giving an aspirin for a broke leg. Sometimes the things that help some people cannot help everyone. I manage my Xanax in a way that is probably in itself panic. Just know we think about you. And sometimes the things that help some people does not touch other people. No words help. I wish there was someone to hear you that could help you though. I know you have stretched your limits. I was washing clothes today and hanging them up. There was a woman in there and it is totally against my nature not to talk to people. Somehow, I could not even acknowledge she was there. I'm sorry unknown woman. I just was not up to it. The only thing I can do is prayer and to be honest, I am not sure it will go any higher than the ceiling. I will do my damnist though. Please know your cared for. You are one of us and any failure is our failure also.

Congratulations Gin, but you know we all knew you could. You were the only one doubting. Glad Al helped you.

Eagle, you have read my guilt and questions. You are young, but as old as I am I will always question that I should have done something else. None of his family lived past their early 70's, and to you that is a lifetime, but to me, I was going to get him to at least 80, if I could. Unfortunately, God took away my "God" magic wand and let me know who was boss after all. My Mama lived to 95. And, this is terrible, but I resented her living longer than Billy. He enjoyed life. She was bedridden and in sane moments wanted to leave and be with her sisters (very seldom mentioned my dad), but missed her family. It is hard to accept the most precious things were never in our hands to control. Now, I have to quit procrastinating and do what I should have been doing for the last three days. (It has been raining, but I use anything as an excuse.)

Tom, I am probably the rowdiest, meanest (is that a word) on here. And, how do you scold old people? They cry......or curse. We skirt religion and politics, some of us are thin skinned and take offence at minor things, but this is the best bunch of people I have "never been around." And Marty is a wealth of information. (To me) she is so much better and easier to talk to than counselors. (And Tom, I have had shrinks and counselors before.) We all hurt. Sometimes we hurt worse on alternate days and that person who is not hurting as bad today as yesterday is able to reach out and touch us. But, sweet, gentle Marty, she really gives us some leeway in our feelings, but there is a line, and we all know it and feel it. A wonderful bunch of hurting people that reach out and try to help with their heart. We kind of walk that line because no one wants to lose anyone.

I saw this on Yahoo this morning. I certainly think it is one way to look at the death of a spouse, but I am not sure it is any my opinions. https://www.yahoo.com/news/teacher-just-called-apos-m-204905793.html

Actually Nightwinds, they cannot help us. Our family fight their own battles of loss. I won't go into that further, I already have, ad nauseam. I may never have been "on my own" before, and yes, I have had full blown anxiety attacks and if I do, I am allowed two Xanax a day. Have taken more, but only when I had to. They get to where they really don't work if you take them too much. You seem to "need more," or at least I do. I do not mind using them as a crutch. At my age, a crutch sometimes might be needed. No apology. I honestly would drink, if I could. I cannot. That would be suicide, and we have skirted that issue. But I have responsibilities whether Billy is gone or not. I cannot take antidepressants, however, in reality, this is not depression, this is grief. I am going to put a link in my "hell" posts that I read on Yahoo this morning. Might get a laugh out of it, or at least a shaking of the head. Anyhow, we do what we can, when we can, however, we can. I see you live in AR. That is where Billy passed away at St. Vincent. I find the memories in going back very prickly and my daughter and son moved back. I cannot do it yet. Not sure I ever will, even though Billy loved it and it is the most beautiful state to live in.

I see so many people that seem to get peace from "reading" their rosaries. And faith........well, I am Baptist forever, never tried anything else, but because of what the youth minister did to my daughter, I find myself among people I am suspicious of. Yet, at my age, I know that is a cop-out. "Faith of our Fathers" does not have to be ours, but how long a time do I have to search, and the only ones who come searching for me are the Jehovah's Witnesses. I saw my "good man" father push people out of the church because they were sinners and lived together without being married. He was one of three deacons and did not do it alone, but everyone looked to him as a good man, and he was, but that is what church is for, to accept us all as sinners. I am getting too deep in a subject that whirs in my head like a Nutri Ninji mixer. It, like politics, should not be discussed here and sometimes I break enough laws of man. (I understand politics less than religion). Health: That is something we take for granted a lot of times, and we are all here for reasons of different health crises that have hit our families. My granddaughter has had hypothyroidism for years now, and she is only fixing to be 18. Lots of her troubles they attribute to this. Volunteering: I do that every day, but it is family. We go tomorrow for an ultrasound on my granddaughter's tummy and why she has the pains she has. I have to move her primary care physician closer. Will get papers and fill them out tomorrow. Or send them to her mother to fill out. In the meantime, we wait. Now it is 4-6 weeks to get her wisdom teeth out. Who is to blame? Government red tape that will choke the life out of so many people. The length of time you have been alone Gwen, that shows me you are a mighty fighter. Even fighters get tired sometimes though. But you, we all, we keep fighting. Are battles ever happy battles? Probably not. I have lots of questions about life for someone who has lived as long as I have. I think the answers are elusive. Besides, if I find an answer, I have already forgot the question. Hang in there Gwen, it is not a happy time for any of us, but we are all on that front line with you fighting.

I have had to fight mightily the guilt of not holding him. I did not know he would die. I had told him he was not going to. I ordered him not to. I lay my head on his bed, I slept almost two hours. The nurse checked on him about 7:00 a.m. and at 7:30 a.m. he had the death mask, eyes open. I could have been holding him. I should have been holding him. Oh, I have said that so much, I have written that so much and none of it does any good. I didn't. As I said also, he was so vain he could not stand me thinking of this. So, when it comes to my mind I say "no, no, no, no" over and over until it goes away. It seemed so peaceful when I cried till there was no breath to just let go and not breathe. It has been 19 months now for me. My son calls and for one tiny instance, it sounds like Billy. I hear a noise anywhere in the apartment and the first thought is Billy, it never ends. I know he is gone, but he will never be gone. He is just not here. Last night I dreamed of him and even in my dream I told myself it was not real. I have said this so much I actually get sick of myself. But, we have to live with ourselves. It hit my kids very hard, they are not kids, of course, but middle aged adults, but to parents they are always our kids. I wish you and others just some moments of peace.

I am going to put this on here in hopes that I won't be hogging someone else's post. Marty put something on one of my post by Dr. Alan Wolfelt. I have become so taken with everything he says that I have to include it. Hope I am not making some illegal infringement copying this. Dr. Wolfelt’s Tenets of Companioning the Bereaved Companioning is about… Being present to another person’s pain; it is not about taking away the pain. Going to the wilderness of the soul with another human being; it is not about thinking you are responsible for finding the way out. Honoring the spirit; it is not about focusing on the intellect. Listening with the heart; it is not about analyzing with the head. Bearing witness to the struggles of others; it is not about judging or directing these struggles. Walking alongside; it is not about leading. Discovering the gifts of sacred silence; it is not about filling up every moment with words. Being still; it is not about frantic movement forward. Respecting disorder and confusion; it is not about imposing order and logic. Learning from others; it is not about teaching them. Compassionate curiosity; it is not about expertise. One of these really stood out to me. It is "Listening with the heart; it is not about analyzing with the head". (Also, my biggest fault (that I am aware of) is "filling up every moment with words." There are many of us that are just totally lost and we cannot analyze with the head, we have to hear with our heart. At times when I overflow with words I am listening with my heart. I had lived through two life threatening illnesses. We brought Billy through a long life threatening illness before the cancer. I thought we were invincible. Only human.

Me too Dave. Would like to have known Dana and heard her talk about John Donne. I think it is a wonder living in the same lifetime as Robert Frost and knowing all the grief that man went through, and even after that how productive he was. I cannot imagine being productive period. And I still can see his mop of shaggy hair at the inauguration of John Kennedy. What an honor. I've seen some wonders in my lifetime, but the nicest was growing up in a papermill town where everyone knew each other and maybe being too naive to know there was so much bad in the world.

Yep, another piece gone.

Ya'll do hold me up.

Tom, I bought a new purse at J.C. Penney's with money from our first retirement check that was made out to just me. The woman who checked me out had to put up with me crying so much I could not explain why I was crying. I still have not taken his name off one of our accounts, and know I have to. But, it will forever be "Billy's Kindle" and I don't have to change that, it is just Billy's Kindle #5.

Gwen, I wrote a whole lot and reread it. You would have had to have a spatula to scoop up this word salad when this poem says all I wanted to say. This fixation with life and death has always been here. Gwen, you mean something to someone. If not to someone around you, you mean something to us on this forum and I just wish you meant as much to yourself. No man is an island, Entire of itself. Each is a piece of the continent, A part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less. As well as if a promontory were. As well as if a manor of thine own Or of thine friend's were. Each man's death diminishes me, For I am involved in mankind. Therefore, send not to know For whom the bell tolls, It tolls for thee. John Donne wrote that in 1624. So, this rhetorical question has been here since the time of man. Dear Gwen, I have no answers. I do have my family so giving advice would be lame on my part. I know the old me (I mean the younger old me) would be sitting on some bar stool when I should be in church meeting people. My gay daughter and her transgender partner have found a church that accepts them and both are happy as a lark. I'm not ready to go to church yet. I hope I live long enough that I will go back again. You, as a former Catholic, I think you probably know more about religion than I do. I have two rosaries that are beautiful, but I don't know how to use them. I feel closer to heaven just having crosses all around me. But, the stupid things I do, they would be criticized by real religious people. My sister wants to be by herself. So did my mom. I have had my life so I am gonna slide out of here very quietly, if I can, when the time comes, but I no longer am going to help it along. And, I do not know your health situation, I do not know your ability to go out and be around people, and I don't know if you are like my sister and prefer to be alone period. She is going to write a book, that is what she is trained to do. Dear Gwen, we have come to care for you very much. Actually we are all in the same boat and no one wants to see anyone jump out of the boat on their own volition.

Kay, Billy and I drug each other out from under our parents supervision (although Billy's mom did not supervise Billy). I spent the night with his folks when we went to get our marriage license. I did not know those folks. THEY USED AN OUTSIDE TOILET, how was I supposed to get along or "hold it" the length of time I was with them. I forgot, my folks had a toilet until I was about three. And Billy told me that his folks would not approve of our sleeping together. Oh well, we only had to wait three days. So actually, Billy and I were little kids together, then we played at being grownup, then we were staid, honorable old folks together. I liked the last one best.

I seem to write a book every time I get on here. (obviously I do not know how to make things small).

Well, we still read C.S. Lewis' book, so you and Dr. Wolfelt will have left us a wealth of information that might calm this savage beast of grief, if not conquer it.

They are gone is a horrible thing to say, to feel, to know. Just like my cousin and I argued, her father died of a heart attack, my dad suffered like I cannot explain except to say he had decubitus ulcers on his heels where he dug them in from the pain. The knowledge they were not going to give him anything but ice chips, were "letting him die" was experienced by both my dad and my father-in-law. My father-in-law hung on six days like this. My dad had what they call Cheyne-Stokes breathing and there would be pauses between each breath that we would pray would be the last. Billy was letting me know he had to give up. I would not accept it and missed the chance of holding the love of my life the final moments. My fault, all on me, and I feel it to the core of my very being. There is no easy way to accept they are gone. I did not allow Billy to suffer but put a morphine tab in his mouth constantly in the ER. I know he threw it right up. My sister-in-law lay on white sheets, no labored breathing, and the clock just quit ticking. No change in expression. No easy way to say goodbye whether you say it, don't say it, or angrily hold it back trying to "make them mind you" and not give up. The only thing we can hope for is a fast end to any suffering. And in my lost, giving up brain, I wanted to go so far back in the woods no one could find me and end my suffering, and join Billy. But then the doubt of religion snuck in. I know my relatives need me, but that thought of leaving was the most comfort I have felt in 19 months.

Healing is a holistic concept that embraces the physical, emotional, cognitive, social, and spiritual realms. Note that healing is not the same as curing, which is a medical term that means ‘remedying’ or ‘correcting.’ You cannot remedy your grief, but you can reconcile it. You cannot correct your grief, but you can heal it. ~ Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD, in Understanding Your Grief Oh Marty, you used the words of my hero, Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD. I certainly do not know this man, and he may be a hermit living in a cave with long unkempt hair and beard, but he talks to me. I read him each day. (that I can remember to). His book is by my left hand at the computer keyboard at all times. And, I still think Rose Kennedy got it right, not in her own words this time, but time does not heal all wounds, but she believed it provided scar tissue to cover the wounds. Sometimes that scar tissue is as thin as tissue paper.

Sometimes I reach over with my right hand, when I am driving, and put my hand on my large purse and imagine it is Billy's leg, like I would do when we drove anywhere. See, we can say anything on this forum..............and I do.

Eagle, I wish I could say the little things become smaller, unfortunately, mine have become larger. I tell them to Billy when I am in the car alone. I do this when I am alone because I remember my cousin (my age) saying my aunt talked to her husband (my long gone uncle) when she was mowing the yard. She talked to him like he was standing beside her. Mike (my cousin) thought she was ready to be "put away" and at the time, I thought it was just sweet. My cousin still has his wife, but if he loses her, he will remember our aunt talking to her long gone husband. It happens.

Oh how this reminds me of the story I have told so many times. And, it also makes me aware that I am blessed and cursed, but probably more blessed. I don't know when it was now (time is totally irrelevant until that 17th day of the month rolls around), but, it was the time I was able to finish Billy's C.J. Box book that he did not get to finish. Ear buds will block out all sound, so it is probably not good to go to sleep with them in your ears. I had put the book down and was probably trying to be talked into a sleep realm by the app on the Kindle. It was around 2:00 a.m. My family could not get me to answer the cell phone by my head or the home phone in the other room, or the doorbell, or knocks. For once in my life, I was by myself. I somehow caught the doorbell just as they were going to break down my door. Two grown children and a sister in another state were frantic. I for once was blissfully sleeping. In front of my house were three police cars and an ambulance, lights flashing. My first thought was "oh no, the neighbors are going to think I am running a meth lab." I do not sleep with ear buds anymore, but I do have someone with me at all times. The sheriff's department will do "well checks" if your relatives/friends cannot get in touch with you.

I think being part of each other meant that nothing you said or did around each other you would only be comfortable doing or saying the same thing to yourself in private. We ended each other's sentences, we would hear something said and look at each other, because we knew we felt the same, or we knew we had to get the hell out of there because one of us was going to say something to another person we would regret. After 54 years, we knew what we were thinking sometimes even before we thought it. It was like being comfortable by ourselves, only with someone you loved being with. We could lay beside each other reading for hours, sometimes sharing the book, and touch, just to make sure the other was there. I dreamed of him fitfully this morning and can remember in my dream thinking.......this is not real. So, even my subconscious sleep dreams knows he is gone. The world is dreary this morning, it is raining and I have to go over to that washateria. I should thank God I can still walk though and get it over with, it is the only exercise I get and with medication, I slept almost 10 hours.

Gwen, I have gone over 54 years in my mind. I have remembered times that I could not stand Billy, and I guarantee you he could not stand me, but for some reason we could never call it off. One time we separated but saw each other every day. Over those 54 years I went through stages of despising him, knowing he despised me, so angry I think I could have stomped a mudhole in him, but he felt the same about me. We have even left each other over the years and got a few miles down the road and came back. There were so many emotions, so much fun, so much love that there was no leaving, even if tempted by someone else, and we were. It was not the ideal, totally romantic marriage, but it was the stubbornest marriage I have ever seen that turned out to be my very best, my only ever, true loving friend that I am so lost without. But we went through every emotion in the world and looking back, I wonder sometimes how we made it. Mainly because no one else could put up with him or with me like our combined , totally, compelling life. I was him, he was me. No, I am him and he is me, where ever he is. And that is why the doc gave me the antidepressant that nearly killed me. She asked me "Okay, after you get your granddaughter started in life, what about you?" And I looked at her and told her the truth......I -- don't -- care.