Margm

Oh, you captured what I want to have, a long neck. Always wanted a neck that did not sit on my shoulders almost. We get what God gave us and instead of the Native American I wanted to be, my DNA tells me I am a red-headed redcoat. Oh well, the Native Americans would probably make this red headed, freckled face anomaly stay outside the tepee compound. Thank you both. What would I do without something to bitch about? One of the first things my new mother-in-law told me was "you would not be happy if you were hung with a new rope." I think she was right.

I have tried every remedy, the meditation and finally the Xanax. I tried screaming into pillows (made my head hurt terribly), I tried crying till I ran out of breath and I thought it so peaceful to just not breathe anymore, this did not hurt physically and seemed so easy. I had his 50 morphine pills and my plans were to go into the deep woods and then walk to where only hunters could find me. I liked that plan. It did not make me sad until I started thinking about religion. What if I could not be with him. We think so many things afterwards. Then I remember Billy saying when I was so sick "the one left must stay." I thought that very selfish of him at the time since I felt I was the one dying. I ordered him not to give up. It was too late. Three days later I found this forum and while it did not make my grief any less, it showed me other people suffering and still living. And me, the coward, I wanted to leave. I feel so wrong welcoming you to this forum, but it did save my life. Sometimes that does not feel so wonderful, but there are many who depend on me that I would have been letting down. "The one left must stay." Might not have been the exact words, but the meaning was the same. I have to stay until I cannot, just like Billy.

My cousin and I argued over who had it worse losing our fathers. Hers by heart attack, mine by four years of torture from cancer. I was actually on the outside looking in. I did not want my daddy to suffer so bad. Her dad didn't suffer, but she did not get to tell him goodbye. I do envy those that got to say goodbye. Billy was telling me he had to leave and he got my anger for giving up. He had fought so hard for me to live and I was angry because he would not "mind" me and live. And, he was so vain that my last vision of him would be something he would not want me to think about. But I do. And, I have to tell my brain "no, no, no" and I have to quit it. It would hurt Billy's feelings to know I remembered his death mask. Cannot get it out of my mind. The good memories are still painful also. And Tom and Eagle, it is hard to welcome you to this forum, but it is the best place you can come to because we all hurt the same/different/many ways. I joined when Billy had been gone three days. I wonder if he helped me find this place. For whatever reason, here it is and I hope you find one small atom of peace from being here.

I love this. Actually, I read this last night and was thinking "my newest fret" and I have them constantly. Scott calls me on the phone. It is Billy's voice I hear, even just for one instantaneous moment. I read books on how widows/widowers cope, and really I have my own book written on this forum, it is how we all cope, or try to, or try not to cope.. We want to help ourselves. I hear a noise in the apartment and I first think "Billy" and in that same thought, "no, it is not Billy, Billy would not live in an apartment.." In my building (there are numerous apartments (8) in each complex and they are kept up so nice, flowers, bushes, a park in front of my window, across the little street with the speed bumps. I hear the kids in the swimming pool, playing basketball on the court in front of my window, across the street. I have a deputy sheriff, city policeman, family that the man drives a security company car, my little boy Jimmy, just back from the front lines in the war we are still fighting somewhere, and Brian, one of mine and Billy's friend's son's friend, if you can follow that. He knocks on my door nearly every day wanting to know if I need something. Scott is back in Hot Springs, only about 170 miles away. My daughter is going to move me back whether I want to come or not. My granddaughter has to finish the school my daughter started her in. Still she insists, and makes herself sick because I won't "mind" her. Scott asked me "why do you let her boss you around?" and I start thinking, that is my life, I have always been "bossed around." My sister says "poor Marg" and goes into detail how this first born was bossed around and whipped. My folks were only doing what their folks did. Billy and I made some big mistakes raising our kids, but they always knew they were loved and no matter what the problem was, we were there to help. "How will they ever learn to walk if their feet do not touch the floor" was written by someone. I am getting weary from carrying them and I guess since I was born I have had someone telling me what to do. "Now you can find yourself" was what my friend told me. I didn't feel lost then, today I feel lost because I don't know where or who I am. But, I still keep functioning. So do we all.. We put that one foot in front of the other, we get out of bed, we get groceries, we pay the bills, I lift up my head and I talk to my neighbors, I smile..........but, why?

Family is wonderful Gin. You obviously trained your kids right while Billy and I made enablers of ours. And, when we discussed it, we said we would do the same thing all over again, and I am sure I do it with my granddaughter also. Years ago there was a TV advertisement (if I remember right) with some woman telling her mother "Please Mother, I would rather do it myself." My kids struggle, but they struggled when Billy was here too. We worked 80 years for our retirement and SS and I get a retirement that is bigger than they make doing what they do. I do not have to rely on them, but they rely too much on me. Mama taught me never to rely on her and Daddy. I was independent, or wanted to be independent, before I met Billy. I wanted no help from my parents, ever, yet my sister depended on it so much that now she is elderly with a huge education, but no retirement. So, Mama, in letting me know I would get no help from them, did not make me resent my sister, but it made me independent. I could not do my kids the way my mom did me, and I keep thinking about nature and nature teaching the birds and wild things they have to fend for themselves. That lesson was taught to me but we never taught it to our kids. They will learn though and it will be hard on them. You people that do not hear from your kids so much, you must have trained them right. I saw something on Yahoo, or somewhere that it is the law in China, the children are responsible for all the parents over age 60. Now, wouldn't that be something? I keep telling my kids at my age they should be taking care of me. My son tries. You and I both, we are at 19 months. The day is filled with anxiety. Yes, maybe you need one of the necklaces. My daughter (thinking her daughter would have to move back in with her), told my granddaughter that Mamol needed to live in assisted living. I sent word that assisted living would take away the car she drives and the RV. Nothing else was mentioned. I realize I am only a fall away from assisted living, but I am not there yet. I have to take these past 19 months and start moving my body so I can keep moving my body.

“Don't waste your time with explanations: people only hear what they want to hear.” ― Paulo Coelho I know people do not want you to grieve, to be morose, to walk around with a "long face" all the time, but you do not live to please people. I say this, and I think sometimes I live to please my family. I do not say that being kind, and I certainly am glad I have them, but I wish they would let me a little bit alone sometimes. I am at the age the woman wrote about when she wrote "when I am an old woman I shall wear purple, with a red hat, etc." Advice is easy to give, all a person has to do is open their mouth and tell you how you should act. But, let that person be in the same situation you are in and how would they react, how will they react? I came back down here wanting to restart friendships with our old married friends. Billy was jealous and wanted me to get rid of all my friends because they were a part of my "past" and at 18, honestly, you don't have much past except Mama, Daddy, grandparents, cousins, high school friends. So, I accepted he wanted me to cut ties with my friends. (This was a young, unsure, immature Billy, he changed later on.) I have not received a phone call from any of them, although all my old high school friends are right there for me, even after all these years. Then it hit me. We all got married around the same year of time. They are my age. I am a walking, talking reminder of their friend that is gone. Also a reminder that they hear the heavy footsteps coming behind them. Unfortunately, one of the men friend's is still in rehab from a bad stroke. No, they do not need me as a reminder of things to come. Most of my friends from my"past" have already lost their husbands so if I need a friend, I have them to rely on. I have guilt that I have not visited a relative that is my age that just lost her husband, my cousin, and yes she is my cousin (this is Louisiana), but cousins from different sides of the family. I need to reach out to her and just to let her know that life does go on. Sometimes I wonder "does it go on?" and think maybe I am not one to talk to her. So, to Billy's friends (and a small part of them my friends), I am just a reminder of things to come. I have the dreaded disease of life, life without their friend. They are afraid, and I don't blame them. I should reach out my hand to my relatives and friends that death has visited their house. I cannot offer advice other than "here I am, still alive." I cannot understand people who say ugly things to survivors. All I can advise you, the person who has lost your mate, is stay away from well meaning people and their advice. You live and mourn the best way you can, actually, the only way you can. You want to be "better." Well, you are "better" just by being here. I, you, them, they, all of us, we hurt, we understand. And sometimes we repeat ourselves. I am sure I have this same thing written somewhere else on this forum at least once, maybe twice.

I think sometimes it is not a myth, the redhead's temper.

I wear Billy's wedding ring that we bought on our 11th anniversary, when we got our 50 year rings he had that ring melted into a white gold nugget. His 50 year ring slipped off his finger and is at the bottom of the lake up here. I have mine, but wearing it does not mean he is here. I wear my mustard seed necklace with his nugget necklace. I sleep on a lot of pillows, always have. He slept on a pancake pillow. In between my pillows are two pair of pants that he wore all the time and I recently found a Tee shirt he used to wear all the time. They are tucked between my pillows. Does not bring him back, but we all do different things, rituals maybe even. I talk to the clouds and like I said, Jesus and Billy have gotten jealous of each other because I talk to both of them at the same time. Either that or they shrug and say "consider the source" but I think they both like me.

I don't think people in glass houses throw stones. I use Xanax regularly. I do not take more than my prescribed dose, and at my age, I doubt I ever will get off it. If I take 2 a day then it does not work as good. I have a congenital tremor that is worse after the colon rupture. When I have to go somewhere I take one. If I am at home, I try not to. But, the first few months it was necessary, and I have all kinds of meditation apps on my Kindle. I cannot drink because of the colon rupture, which is probably a good thing because I would be fixing a Margarita every night "Healthy, normal mourning is a process of honestly facing the reality of your loss, coming to terms with its impact on your life, learning to access all available resources for recovery, finding meaning in your loss and continuing to live productively in the years that follow. " I know it has to be done, that is why we are here talking with each other. I am better. I know I am. Bless his heart, I think I still get sorta angry for him leaving so fast. And, I am selfish, I keep thinking he could handle this so much better than I can. Will my daughter, granddaughter, sister, and son all having some sickness keep me from "healthy mourning?" Am I just too damn prone to feel sorry for myself? I really just want to crawl into myself and hide but no one will let me hide, everybody needs me for something. I think I am supposed to be thankful for that. I wonder if I don't grieve my mom because she lived to be 95 and Billy didn't have a chance to get any further than in his early 70s. And, don't think I do not recognize the irony of my complaining when some mates did not even make it to age 50. I was gonna make him live into his 80's. I guess it taught me a lesson. I am not God, but also I don't feel this is healthy normal mourning. It is just crappy mourning. I am mean, and I am a coward but I sure hate to face life without him. Still, I have done it for 19 months now and in those 19 months me and Ferris Yaris have put some miles on the road. And honestly, if I could, I would probably drink. I definitely don't need to throw stones.

Everyone has to go their own path, and it is not always the path of others. I tried writing about my experience, my feelings each day and when I went back and read them I destroyed the notebook. Each response from my own thoughts ripped open the scar tissue as if the date it happened and days afterwards were all happening again. Some people can do some things. I thought I would never listen to music again. I do now. Even some sad songs, and I do cry, but I listen. Writing my feelings down just make those first days a reality to live again. I cannot exactly put it behind me because it surrounds me like a bubble everywhere I go. I have started looking up instead of running like a mad woman shopping. A smile sometimes is given to someone but holding my head up and making eye contact is still hard. I go places because I have to. I have not had the "dinners" my friends wanted to have. Just cannot do it yet. Went to two functions and it was okay. I think if it were not for my family, I would disappear inside myself but their problems make me react. Maybe that is a good thing. I do buy Billy a card each occasion we celebrated. But Billy and I never "celebrated" in the manner some do. I underline the words of the card, just like we used to do, and I place it beside his urn. I can see his gray beard in the clouds, but I do think he and Jesus are jealous of each other because I still pray to both of them. And please, do not let anyone tell you how to handle this grief. You are the only one who can handle it. Marty's words help. But Marty is here to help. Acquaintances, relatives, those real sweet meaning advice givers, this is not their grief, it is yours, and they cannot walk your path. Only you can, and only you can ignore all these people that mean well, but do not have a clue..

First off, please don't let anyone tell you how to "deal" with it. Right now it is something that has its talons in you and you are at its mercy. I love your attitude and your love for your beautiful wife. I know this is not a place you want to be, but you have men and women all hurting on here and we hurt with you and for you and for all of us. Marty always is attuned to our feelings and has "readings" to help us. Please just return and pour out your feelings and do not think you are ever "saying too much." (Although most times I write word salads that you have to have a soup spoon to read). And I usually say nothing, but I say it anyhow. So can you. We are all here for you. I am sorry you have to be here.

No, you cannot fool anyone with that or kale either and that kale smells terrible fast. You know down here in the south we eat a lot of collard greens (they do, I don't), but Mama could cook them the best because she used so much bacon grease. Heck, back in those days we did not know bacon grease/meat grease was bad on a person. She made a "wilted" salad using greens from the garden (she always had a garden going), little green onions, and the wilting dressing was hot bacon grease. I'm afraid my family does not eat healthy and I do very little cooking. Oh, we get lots of chicken. Billy would fix the "fried cabbage" which was just butter/margarine and the cabbage cooked slow with top on and no water. He would fix it because I even hated to smell it cooking and that was the only way they were going to get it. They loved that and cornbread and sweet tea. I fixed kale "chips" in the oven for Bri one time and she loved them. I just won't cook anymore.

When they cut out my fiber, then I quit making smoothies. Selfish of me wasn't it? Scott's girlfriend enjoyed making them so much I just gave it to her and she loves it so much she would fight someone for it. I bought lots of frozen fruit and I have honey and bananas, I will fix her one tonight.

I just got another Ninja thingy that I used to use to make us smoothies and gave away. Will fix her some fruit smoothies. I mentioned throwing in a carrot or two and she was grossed out. I used to make them for me and Billy with baby spinach and used kale once. Don't think I am going to get by with veggies, but have plenty of frozen fruit.

Thanks Kay. I woke up to my granddaughter not feeling like getting out of bed and I've got to do something and don't know what. The teeth are to come out next week, hopefully, but I cannot get her to eat to make her "go to the bathroom" because her mouth hurts. No fever. Anyhow, you made me laugh and I needed that.

Nineteen months today. I think this forum has taken the place of any counselor for any type of our grief. You all/us/we listen, we share, we share grief. You know that others hurt and someone in their life is gone, just like the person is gone from your life. We adjust as best we can. As one has said, we put one foot in front of the other, as Marty has said, we get out of bed in the morning, and as George says above. Maybe Rose Kennedy was correct, in time we develop scar tissue. And lots of times we just feel guilty because we might have had an uneventful day. Maybe we did not cry as much as we did the day before. I remember the idea of going to see the band Journey made me, for a few minutes happy, and then SPLAT!!!!! the guilt hit me. How could I be happy? Even though Billy would have rather had teeth pulled than go with me to see this band. They were my music, he never cared much for music. But the guilt hit me in the face, and I honestly have not felt like going to see them after that. We are grieving, we are never supposed to feel good again, no happiness, but for some reason, some times there is a strange feeling like "Damn Billy, why did you leave? Don't you know I cannot live without you?" And somehow you are living, simply because you did not take those 50 morphine pills into the deep forests of Arkansas where no one could find me. "The one that is left must stay." Prophet Billy said that. Not sure how long I will stay, not in my hands like I intended it to be. Time does not heal the wounds, but as RK said, you develop scar tissue. And then the next minute you are miserable again. But you had a minute or two that you weren't.

Sometimes I think too much, talk too much, but sometimes don't really think. I can cry at a moments notice just by thinking about Billy. Thinking about all our different griefs. Two of my friends remarried pretty soon after their husband's passed away. One's husband had been very stingy and had saved a fortune which she and a friend are now married and he never liked working, so he is enjoying the wonderfully handsome (I thought) prize of the man she had been married to for so many years. Now she is just deliciously happy, and they are enjoying all the other husband's stinginess. Their business. Another close friend, married Billy's close friend, and hints at things I am not sure I want to know. Her husband is very ill, the newest one, but he "treats her like a queen" which I figure must mean the other marriage was not what I thought. We never know. My life was an open book, some pages got stuck, but Billy knew everything about me many years before he left. I knew all about him also. We loved each other. I have regrets, lots of them. Why weren't we this way, why didn't we live a different life? We lived like we had to, we made lemonade lots of times. We were not through with the adventures yet. Riding home from the trip I got lost on (about 50 miles out of the way), Bri was asleep, had seen the doc and probably next week has the wisdom teeth operation. But next week has an abdominal ultrasound scheduled also. She was asleep and my mind wandered. (It wanders too much sometimes). Okay, supposed I found companionship. It would have to be around my age. I am not a spring chicken anymore, kinda tough for the boiler also, and doubt I would make good Thanksgiving dressing. Still, I don't want an old rooster. A younger rooster would only hope for a nice soft place to make his life and I am no fool. I think I have enough family to keep me busy and doubt very seriously I would make a good companion for anyone. I had 54 years of the best. Wanted more. Didn't happen. Don't think I will ever be totally happy again except to find out some medicine helped my daughter or granddaughter and hoping my son does not get too unhappy living by himself. His girlfriend seems to have enough sense to know they only get along on the week end. Life is a bitch sometimes. Yes, this fits here, it was my today's "reflections and musings."

Well, today is the 17th, so I hit it pretty close. Dammit, I just remembered, the 17th is the 19th month, and I had kinda decided not to notice the date and how long Billy has been gone. I should not have looked.

Such wonderful news George. It is so good to hear someone have something happy to say. Thank you for following up on this.

Gin, I have found out I can go by the house (twice in last nearly 19 months, actually) Then my daughter moved back to Hot Springs and I had loved it so much. Every place I looked was like being given a small electric jolt. It was unreal. Our son is fixing to move back up there too. He moved down here thinking he could feel his dad's essence in some way, but I think it made him depressed. At least his long time girlfriend is up there around him, and his sister, but he still thinks he has to take care of me so he is pulled. He is an artist though and his dad would want him to continue that. He has had the artist block for so long and it is just now coming back to him. That is why we moved to Hot Springs, to get him off drugs nearly 20 years ago, and he did that himself. It is a small artist colony and even though he has lost many of his friends to drugs and Hep-C, he still has a chance in that city. We don't have the art appreciation down here like that city does. I did not find Billy either, but it was long ago that we lived here. I have had massive sadness down in Louisiana, cannot quantify it with the place he left me in. I know he did not do it on purpose and he would have stayed if he could have. I am going to miss him (my son), but my sister is here and my granddaughter attends school here. I do miss Hot Springs. Really cannot leave my sister, I'm all she has. I wish she had found a companion, but it sure hurts to lose them. We have the empty feeling where ever we go anyhow.

I know that Brad was going to be gone a long time and I certainly hope that he can enjoy himself even though he was dreading it. We all know how he feels, but I do hope he can find some happiness during these weeks.

Please George, keep us updated on your family. I know your sister has fears. Prayers.

For sure. Thankful for 54, wanted 54 more years. Sometimes we dream the impossible.

Kevin, I'm not sure for certain that there was not a preexisting mental condition for myself, so perhaps mine is rather complicated.

We are all just fighting the battle. The only way we lose is if we give up. And no, that did not give me one oz. of enthusiasm. Gotta read Marty's "Loneliness" above.