Margm

Somehow, I guess marrying so young, I never thought about death. Through my cancer, colon rupture, through his renal obstruction, through every day we fought to live, I never thought his death would be the one. He had back trouble all his life. We were immortal. Only, we weren't. My slow moving man who was so laid back, who kept me from being anxiety ridden, he was so slow moving, I knew he would never die of a heart attack (might have). I dreamed somewhere between 4:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m., that he was alive, that he was terribly demented and did all the crazy things that people with dementia did. I woke up alone, of course, Billy was not there. Possibly the brain aneurysm made the changes his mental activity was going through, but it does no good to think about those changes. He is not here. My slow moving man made a fast race to death. And, I really don't know how to handle life. My son asked why I let my daughter boss me around and I got to thinking, I've always had someone to boss me around. Now, I just don't know how to live.

When you think about it, some of us have not found any happiness and don't think we ever will. I will read from Alan D. Wolfelt, from his book "Grief One Day at a Time" ever so often. I keep searching for something and after reading this, I realize I probably am not going to find it, because this is me. "The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference." Eli Wiesel. "The opposite of grief is not joy, it's indifference. Muting my grief mutes my soul. " Alan D. Wolfelt. The shoe might not fit your foot, but unfortunately, it slipped right on mine.

Butch, I have never lost a child or grandchild. That is really one subject I run from as fast as I can, it scares me so much. No one will ever replace your dad or your mom, and no one will ever replace your wife in your life. No one will ever replace Noah, just like Gracie did not replace the lost twins. They were/are all individuals and losing one is my greatest nightmare. You have been through so many nightmares, and this little boy will be a welcome part of your family, on his own merit, just as Gracie is. I know that no one will ever replace your wife. I think God made our hearts so big that there is room for so many in it. Our hearts have lost so much, and I have not had the experience you need to even talk of such things. But, I know your loving heart, and I know when that little boy is admitted into this world, he will not replace anyone. He will have his own place in this big family. Just as with any death, there are no words that can fill in the hurt. No words can help. I am not sure time can even help. I think we have to endure and it is so hard for me and others and for you, I cannot even begin to imagine. Like with my granddaughter, she fills my life with such worry, such love, such hope for a better tomorrow for her, and I think that is all we can do. And you have done so much.

And that happens much too often (the forgetting). Bri makes a game out of it but sometimes I am too tired to play.

I know people are trained to interpret what we tell them and then call it something. I wonder sometimes, living in our small papermill town, the many moods of my dad. He would have been amenable to going to a psychiatrist then, but that part of the medical establishment had sort of hid in the background after Freud and Jung, but Kubler-Ross was a psychiatrist also, I believe. I started studying the psychiatric field of medicine when I started typing the reports. Pardon the pun, but sometimes the jargon and intentions went way above my head. I had a third year resident at the medical school start practicing a form of transference on me that I knew was just wrong. So, I started going to his "teacher" who was an associate professor at the medical school, and she was my doc off and on for 15 years. Chronic depression. Yeah, I could tell that. When both of my kids were diagnosed bipolar I needed to know if it came from me. Think the gene came from my dad (if it is true about such things, but medical science finds genes in families that cause so many things, you accept it. I started reading the books of Kay Redfield Jamison. She is a bipolar psychiatrist. I found many things the same as my daughter, but my son was diagnosed as a rapid cycler and right now he is in depression, and I'm hoping it rapidly goes away. KRJ's books told me so much. Then she married a doctor and he passed away. She wrote a book after his death and I can only think of it like trying to build a boat inside a bottle. Her husband kept her level, he would chart her moods, and then she lost him. Bipolar or not, her depression had to be fought just like ours does. Maybe being a doctor made it double hard for her, losing her husband and trying to go on. I read the book and learned that a couple of years later, maybe not that long, she remarried. Another doctor. I do hope she is happy. Why does it matter? Because if this doctor found hope and a life with someone else, maybe there is hope that we may just find ourselves. Maybe not happiness so much as just discover who we are besides a grieving widow or widower. To me, in my weird mind, her grief must have been very complicated since she lost the very person who kept her more on an even path of her bipolar disorder. (Do we call this a disease?) Certainly it is coded as something. The emotional part of our brain makes us all complicated, and this grief makes for such an empty life, even with people all around you that need you. And, when you cannot help everyone, that makes it even more complicated because you need time to help yourself. And, you feel guilty for needing that time, so you give it up. Another soup spoon word salad.

Ana, I don't know how anyone could say it any better. I look up into the clouds on a cloudy day and want to see his sweet face, but he took my magic, mysticism imagination with him. Now, it seems like it is so long since I have seen him and all I can bring up in my mind is his death face and Billy was so much more than that. He had an ego that would be stupefied, horrified at my remembering that. Cannot wish a happy anniversary, that would be words that cannot be true. I wish you as peaceful anniversary as can be had. On our first anniversary apart, I bought him a card and wrote the sentiments I would have written if he had been here, then I said "but your not here" and I know he is in my heart, I know we do not lose them out of our heart, but somehow they are empty words for an empty heart. And as to marking days, the only way I know what day it is, is when I have to remember to record a favored TV show. I forgot NCIS-LA last week. Or was that yesterday? I never know. One day is the same as the other. I wanted to go out and look at the moon last night, I talk to Billy then, but I have let myself get paranoid by the parking lot incident at Walmart and know I am just silly.

Let us hear how things go George. Our hearts are with you..

Pasta Arizona sounds good. Louisiana pasta sounds good. Pasta sounds good. With her skills she will be teaching at whatever college is within reach and cooking in a new restaurant. I love Arizona. I hope this dream comes a reality.

Mitch, I could not pull the RV, period, just not at all. My son could not pull the RV with his small Ranger truck. I cried the whole time I cleaned out the big black truck. The whole time. My son has the truck. He pulls the RV. I kept backing into poles with the long bed Ranger so I bought a tucked in tail clown car called a Toyota Yaris. He is my Ferris Yaris. My granddaughter named "him" after Ferris Beuller (sp?) from the movie. I have not backed into anything yet, and I get to see Billy's Toyota all the time. Wish I could see Billy. Congratulations on the new vehicle. In the parking lot of Walmart a man started asking me questions about my car. I understood wanting to know how many mpg the car got, but then it got personal. I hurried into my little car and like a silver streak I was gone only to see him following me not far behind. Honestly, Ferris Yaris is such an unnoticeable little clown car that no police thinks it worthy to be seen stopping such a little car. Anyhow, I was able to turn off the back road in front of a line of cars and he never could see where I turned. Slightly unnerved me, but I have not really been afraid except in the big house Billy left me in. I was very afraid, and never understood that. I wish you many happy miles of safe driving.

George, your family is prayed for. We are having a very hard time ourselves. Had Bri at the ER last night and "Thank the Lord" our ER accepts the medicaid from AR that her mother has on her now. She will be 18 in two months. These impacted wisdom teeth make her think she is dying. Have to find another therapist, went the limit with the other and with her mother's medicaid/medicare changing states so often when she gets 18, I will have her on mine. Marita, none of us know what problems our families have had. I came across the date my mom passed away in August. She was my mom. We are supposed to honor our parents according to the 10 commandments, but honestly, that is not the only one I've broken. I have not killed anyone yet, but I've sure wished harm on people. I wonder if that is like the one that Jimmy Carter got in trouble with about looking and lusting after another woman being the same as adultery. I hope Rosalind forgave him that little slip of the truth. Anyhow, my hope is for health for all of us and our families. George, your family will be on my heart. Please Lord, give peace to Butch's family. Sometimes you don't know what to say in tough times because words do not always help. And being in my prayers and heart from such a long distance does not help either. But, ya'll have it anyhow.

This is my complicated grief. I'm sorry I put so much personal business on here. You all know Bri is my first priority. We are working on solutions. Bri will be 18 in 82 days.

I love your remembrances George. I wish we all could have had longer "happily ever afters" and we miss them so much.

Grieving is complicated because we are doing something we don't want to do for reasons we do not want to understand. The big question is "why?" And we cannot see the big picture that was painted by Salvador Dali. This is not our life. But it is. One word we have to learn is "acceptance." Never gonna happen. Our mate is not here, is not ever coming back, we know this. Realistically, we have to accept that. But, we will never really do that. Not really. So, we wait.............

Dave, being southern myself, and having extensive training trying to please doctor's and clean up their grammar for over 40 years, I became very sensitive to word usage. Then, I decided to just let it all "hang out" now because I don't have to correct anything. (I'm retired more than once). Someone mentioned disliking the word "ain't" which is used wrong and aggravates some people. Most people try to use proper English, and my sister (college language arts teacher) wanted to rewrite Billy's obituary. His obituary was long, but it was not an English composition. It was something he would have liked. I would not change a thing on it. And in daily talk (most everyone I know talks in the same language I use), if someone notices my southern dialect, that will only make me exaggerate it more. I have typed so many doctors with English as a second language, I now consider my southern drawl with its peculiarities as my English as a second language. We once had a proper doctor come down ever so often and give us a lecture in punctuation and language. His name was Lowenstein. (I loved him). We would all get in a circle and he would reread things. We only put our initials at the end of reports. I mentioned something to him and he said "which one are you?" I said I was "mhm" and he said "I remember you, you are the one who keeps changing my punctuation." I told him that he and I did not agree sometimes. He told me "I appreciate your right to disagree, but from now on put it where I say put it." And that is exactly what I did. My cousin retired from a state college. She had her PhD. She was an English teacher. My sister also teaches in college, a primarily black college in our state. I notice my cousin now writes like she wants to. If she wants to leave a participle dangling, it just dangles right on. If she wants to leave a run-on sentence, she just lets it run-on. There are words we are not supposed to end sentences with, but at this point in life, who cares? We southerners use a lot of wrong words, but mostly if you cannot see us pointing at the subject, you will understand. Which reminds me. My granddaughter and I tried to break Billy's habit of pointing. Never could break him. Like me, if he thought it aggravated either of us he was going to do it more. Finally, he started shoving his elbow out to do his pointing. Wish I could see him do that comical thing a few more times.

Gin, often Billy and I would compare our hobbies with other people. Lots of people could not understand why we did not want to live in the same house all our life. One friend, her dad was born and died in the same house. She had spent all her married life in one house (50+) years. Yet here were kinfolks, people she knew that wanted to hit the road and go "who cares where." We were supposed to have a destination. We didn't ever. We stopped when we wanted to, where we wanted to and one of my most exciting times was sleeping next to a big 18 wheeler at a rest stop. I was never afraid. We had friends that raced cars, raced motorcycles, rebuilt cars, houses, collected horses, raced horses, and all kinds of various hobbies, but here we were, just nomads. It was fun till it stopped and lots of folks did not understand, but we sure met more folks that did understand than those that didn't. We are all different. I like vanilla ice cream, but prefer other kinds ever so often. I miss it. But our kids had already stopped it and we were finally 18 years later going to finish our dream. I planned to outrun death, but it caught us before we got restarted.

Gin, I so wish I could take Brianna to those plays. She loves musicals but I was hesitant about showing her Cabaret and Phantom of the Opera. Honestly, that music from Phantom of the Opera haunted me forever. Well, West Side Story (which had really held my interest when I was young so many years ago was just a stupid play and it played out as such. (The movie). Sad too. I had forgotten. I had watched Phantom of the Opera but got lost. Les Miserables had some good music but neither of us liked it. Phantom just carried her away though. I was sorta disappointed, as much as I had loved Cabaret (years ago), it just was not the same and I had waited so long because I knew she could not understand Hitler's war. There is one new one "Dear Evan Hansen" she just loved but I hated it. Of course it is up for every Tony award. (What can you expect from a mainly country music grandmother?) I just wish we could take an Amtrak train and go to off Broadway shows. She loves musicals. I want her to watch "The King and I" but I want her to watch the one with Yul Brenner. She is dragging her feet at that one though. Her bio dad was from Thailand. She knows all the music to "Hamilton". In fact, she knows the words to all songs for all the plays. I know we could never get her on stage, but I want to take her to some Shreveport Little Theater productions. Somehow, I just think her future is connected in some way.

OMGosh, get out of my way grief fogged brain. The answer is here. I knew it all along but I still add 2+2 and get 5. Money does play a big roll in psychotherapy or any other mental therapy. Then you have to think about your husband and you going to marriage therapy, she takes a liking to him, quits therapy and they (he and marriage therapist married) and started a cowboy church. (Truth is stranger than fiction.) (He was the last of my girlfriend's five husbands, enough was enough). Belleruth Naparstek has the answer right in front of us and we don't have to go repeat the same story to a dozen therapists. Eventually, you just type it all out and say "here, deal with this for me." "People who can’t find or afford a therapist; or who don’t like the idea of going to one; or who need more than a 50-minute session, once a week; or who crave the autonomy of self-administered therapies; or who have panic attacks at 2 am and need something right then to keep them company until the sun comes up - all these folks can now get help by pressing PLAY, on their smart phones, iPods and MP3’s." My first poor psych doc was an angel. And I laid all the blame on Billy. You have got to see me. I look totally innocent, look like I would do nothing wrong and can cry if you point your finger at me. I was the wronged wife. He tried to help me and I totally suckered him in. (And I will forever all my days feel guilty) because one day I told him that everything I told him was a lie, I got up and left the office. Now that is a real witch/bitch (and I was also 30 years old) and still did not understand life. He passed away a few years ago, he had been a neurologist and I was one of his first psych patients after he started practice. He saved my life. I was coming off of cold turkey amphetamines and I was one crazy bitch. So see, I don't have to lie, I don't have to reprint all my sins, I can just listen to someone who does not know me and cannot see me. I might have been a good girl if I had had this 40 years ago. I doubt it. I am home from my Hot Springs visit. Mount Ida did not bother me and that was where we had lived, but I worked and we lived in Hot Springs the first years after retirement. I made some damn good girlfriends (still are), but everywhere I looked pushed a painful button somewhere in my mind and I got up this morning and left so early. This place was where we ate out, shopped, got his medicines at Kroger and everything reached out and put a knife in my heart.....................I am not used to this reaction. I read ya'll's reactions and I have not really had them to that extent I had them yesterday. Seeing the mountains in the distance, the trees, the lakes, all the beauty was ice piercing my heart. Will have to go back when they schedule her wisdom teeth removal but will rent a room, daughter's house too small for all of us.

I know you understand Marty, and that is why you are so beloved by us all. Right now, I am scared to death to go back to that city and it is one of the most beautiful little towns in America. I know it did not take my Billy, but (in my opinion) they mistreated him. I have had a Xanax and I am still afraid and it has been over 18 months. I have been to Mount Ida twice and it was not traumatic. Somehow, this is traumatic........but I can do it.

I cannot read all this now. Getting ready to take Brianna to Hot Springs as she has to be where her mother can sign for her. I feel like I am going into hell for a number of reasons, maybe most because Billy left me there. I have read up on complicated grief, and possibly the most uncomplicated grief is if we purposefully follow along behind our mate. Nothing to study. I am going to read all of the articles. Psychiatry is many, convoluted paths to follow. My daughter was student body president at her college, was only taking Wellbutrin for depression. Made her feel better so she took more and had a seizure at the podium addressing teachers, students and congressmen who had come to this important meeting. From there her "depression" has been treated with every new psychotropic medicine that has come out. Yes, she has permanent diabetes now. She was on the honor society at her college. More meds added on, no levels drawn on Depakote for two years sent her into the mental hospital nearly dying. I had same psychiatrist off and on for 15 years. She has a new one every time she moves, which is often. Hence, our trip to Hot Springs today when we had this all planned for Louisiana. This is complicated mental illness, in my opinion. You help. I appreciate that. Some Family Practice doctors should not act as psychiatrists. I worked for three family practice physicians and they have to be retrained on all the new things every three years, I believe. That is why it is so important to find a therapist and find one you can stay with, one you trust. I am not trusting, I am afraid, from the treatment my daughter has received. Unfortunately, there are a lot of cracks to fall through and they are getting wider.. No offence please. You have helped me and others many times. This is what you are trained in. There are many people treating though that should not. I don't know how to find one personally, because if they give me a bad feeling, I'm gone. My first medication so many years ago was a tricyclic that is supposed to take up to four weeks to work. I was so depressed (in the 1970's) that when I took that first pill the whole world opened up to me, I was no longer depressed. One pill. Our minds protect and sometimes torment us.

Gonna rant a little. I don't like them using any grief on a psychiatric DSM code. Gwen, Cookie, all the others, we all have our moments, hours, days. Got a whole lot on my mind right now. Lots and lots of family worry. No fussing thank goodness. I know "complicated grief" now has a psychiatric code, but you know what used to also? Transgender and homosexual. They took them off the list. I used to type psych reports all the time, cannot remember what they are called, DSM codes? Grief is complicated. It is traumatic and complicated, and confusion, and foggishness, forgetting everything, sometimes can be downright dangerous. But complicated grief as a psychiatric code? I am sure there are rules and regulations for such things, and I remember stories of grief complications, but a DSM psychiatric code? I guess that means we carry it too far for "normal" human actions. Someone tell me what that means? Normal human actions. That damn code is just that, it doesn't describe you, or me, or them, or they. Find a cure for cancer, but let us grieve the next 1, 5, 10, 20 years we have left. My grandmother still grieved after 18 years, as if he had died the day before. Yet she lived her "complicated" grief alone, way out in the country, kept her grocery store accounts with a #2 pencil on a Big Chief tablet, and no one cheated her. All five feet of her collected the debts that were owed her, no gun, no threats, just the perfect stamina of someone that had determination, and the mountain caved in to her bravery complicated grief life. That little ratty store left money to all six surviving kids and each were given acreages of land. One little five feet tall plain ole southern smarts with about a 9th grade education. And she never quit missing my grandfather. Outlived him about 25 years. She never gave up. One cardiologist told her she needed to walk for exercise. So she walked that road from one telephone pole to the next and back. When her main cardiologist found out he was livid. She was not supposed to be exerting herself like that. My marriage could be a very complicated marriage, why shouldn't my grief be the same? Guess you need a soup spoon for this salad. I think I have been angry a lot lately...............maybe that is complicated grief.

"They" do not matter. All that matters is yourself. Just smile at them and say thank you or say "I'm fine." It is a lie, but just like in that movie with Jack Nicholson, you cannot yell at them and say "YOU CANNOT HANDLE THE TRUTH" because they cannot handle our truths. So, give them the little lie. You meet someone on the street that you have not seen in awhile and they say "how are you doing?" They really do not want to hear how you are doing. They are just acknowledging you are there and they are there. That is where WE come in. We know the truths. We know how hard to handle the truth is. I'm not gonna lose any sleep because I told Tom, Dick, or Harry that I am fine. And, they are not going to lose any sleep over me one way or the other. Advice is something everyone has to give for some reason. My sister is wanting me to change insurance that I have had all my married life. It is not too expensive, it pays fast and I am not out too much money that Medicare and my insurance does not pay. But, she has found insurance that pays "everything." To begin with, I would not meet their qualifications. But she was insistent. Again, a well meaning person who almost got in a fuss with me because I won't change. In this time of government upheaval, I am not giving up something that works. Don't worry about other people and how they think, or the advice they give that is not asked for. Just worry about yourself and don't have hard feelings about someone that is inquisitive. Tell them "I'm fine" and let it go. Right now, you have this forum to come to that will go along with you in your feelings because if we have not faced it ourselves, someone on here has.

Well, I have lots of "friends" or maybe acquaintances. I don't make a habit of talking but to 2-3 of them and a couple of cousins. My sister helps. I am very worried about her right now. She had female cancer also. Past three days she has had pelvic pain and swelling to her hips. No, she did not go back for her followups. I am worried. My daughter is taking chemo for the non-malignant tumors in her head. They do not spread like cancer, but they do grow, like blowing up a balloon, and if you cannot stop that, shrink them somehow, the results are not good. She has a partner that takes such good care of her and is so devoted to her she will do any thing for her. But, my daughter wants her mama, who is taking care of her daughter. Last week Bri, me and Ferris Yaris swam out of Texarkana. Today we swam out of Junction City, AR. He is such a good little car. No water inside so he does not leak. He's young yet though, one day he will leak. Ya'll, we are all in this fight together. Bitch away. Lots of crazy people out there. Some of us enjoy it (being crazy part), hey, it's the only fun I've had in awhile. Even being so forgetful. It did sort of frighten me but when someone asks you where or what and all you have to say is "I don't know or I don't remember." Problem solved. So, no matter how much you hurt, even if you have five seconds of clarity, enjoy it. If you don't want to answer questions, ask them why they want to know, if that is the disposition you are in. Or just say "I'm fine" (so we lie ever so often), and you will find out that satisfies most people because most people really don't want to know...........until it happens to them.

The ER was over 50 miles away. Her new primary care physician is a cake walk, only 47 miles away. We used to go that far from Mount Ida to hospital in Hot Springs. I'm sorry life is so complicated for all of us. You all have my virtual hug and please, say a prayer that they can help my granddaughter. Once she is helped and can sleep a whole night, then so can I. (Now that came out sounding selfish). Ya'll, I have to blame all my mental problems on "grief fog/brain" because in my heart, I know a shrink cannot help this right now.

They won't let me have it after the colon rupture dammit. I just cannot stand to let that little girl hurt because of government red tape. But, we had private insurance with our Medicare, had our group insurance we had had since marriage. Still the wait in the ER brought his death fast. I hate medical and it was my job for so long. I just know too much about it, and not enough to be able to do anything.

Kevin, I never was good with the horseshoes but could do good using those big washers in the dirt holes. Makes me think about when I was home, before TV, we had music playing at our house on Monday nights, played rook, dominoes, and there was plenty to do. My Daddy Wise (grandfather) would throw a fit if someone beat him at dominoes and my Mama was the same. I finally learned to figure out which dominoes were left to play. You have fun. We certainly all deserve a little time off from this journey.