Margm

No, it is not easier Gin. When they left, we knew they were gone. We still know they are gone. Not a single, solitary thing we can do about it. Our own bodies are here but our heart and most of our brain are still on another realm. Last night I watched the salute to the BeeGee's and I was by myself part of the time. I cried whatever part of my heart that is left completely out, but I still am here and he is not.

After the loss we try all kinds of remedies to alleviate the suffering. Of course, nothing works, but we keep on trying. One fellow that I read often is Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. He has a book called "Grief, One Day at a Time." At first I read it every day. I don't know if it helped, but I came to like this fellow. I don't know if he has been through those flames we walk through on Earth himself, but somehow I feel an understanding heart, like Marty has. I had his book at the bottom of my laundry cart and picked it up. Have not read it in a long time. Does that mean that I did not need his daily advice, or did it just mean my memory did not remind me. My memory is terrible. Today I picked it up, and you know Billy took my magic, mystic life with him and left me with his disbelieving in miracles. "I am him, he is me." He did take part of me with him when he left. You know how I hate dates. Today is the 17th, it is now 18 months. Today he said "Trying to forget doesn't work, in fact, it's pretty much the same as remembering." (Rebecca Steed). He wrote a lot more, it hit home. I am not cured, but I am showed the truths I already knew but was not fluent in the grief language enough to say it. "When we learn to embrace our memories, instead----allowing and even encouraging them, then befriending whatever feelings they evoke---we find that we gain energy by giving up the pretense of forgetting. We let the power of memory wash over us and carry us forward." I wish I could just see those high cheekbones, the trimmed beard, the blue eyes, and feel those soft sweet hands. But, I am not crying.

Kay, I'm so sorry. I am remiss in reading sometimes, I think. I did not know she had lost her baby. I know you say you never hear from her. Now her husband is leaving. I do not know the situation, have no idea of the situation, but maybe there was a controlling element there that you might not have seen. Being married for so long at such a young age, I was married to many men in that one man. But the little girl he married, she could be a conniving, cheating, lying witch at times too. We were one of the lucky ones, we weathered the trials and became friends, but there were many times it might not have ended that way. We never know really what goes on in other families. I hope she has support among those she works with. This is going to be very hard for her and she might need her Mama at one time or the other. You can give good advice because you have been through the fire yourself. I know your smarter than I am though, I have to watch myself or I say way too much............well, you can imagine. Actually, I do my talking on here, I do not approve of either of my kids choices for mates, but I don't have to approve, they do.

Butch, I know of no words. I am not given the privilege of sight, but I like to believe Mary is holding Noah in her arms. I like to believe they are together where no pain or suffering can touch them. I love to believe they are in a perfect place together, and Mary has the twins and Noah in her arms and they have that "peace that passes all understanding." That is what I want to believe.

And, rather than edit the above, I will just apologize. Honestly, I have a lot of people who care for me. But, I have a lot of people who depend on me too. I know I should thank God that I have all these people, and I do. A silly analogy is this. You have German Chocolate cake. My aunt used to make me a cherry cake. Those, as a kid, were heaven on earth. They were wonderful, so they let me have my fill of both of them. I got so sick. Now, they are neither my favorites. Sometimes you can starve for affection/food/attention and you have none. Then sometimes you have so much on your plate that you cannot consume it all. No matter how hard you try. There once was a time I got to thinking of people as vampires. And, then there is the opposite. There is no one that wants the burden of caring, or showing they care. My grandmother raised nine children in all, six of them hers. I remember the letters my mama would get when I was a teenager, the letters had been sealed and snuff was on the outside. I remember my mama fussing "Does she think all I have to do is think about her? I have to work, I have kids to take care of, my husband works, when does she think I have time, yada, yada, yada." All of this in answer to a little country mouse of a grandmother that was only asking for a visit ever so often. Can't there be a happy medium?

He did, they did, and I have hit that low many times. They were so much a part of our life, they were our life, and now we are a hollowed out shell. And they, well, we don't know where they are. But in our heart of hearts we know they would not have left except they had to. No matter how they left us, no matter when, or in what condition their mind was in when they left, they had no choice. Now, we have no choice. And although I am not at my lowest right now, I got up thinking he was beside me, thinking I had to go to the bank, thinking I have two other people in my house I have to think about too, thinking I had a big chunk of money from tax returns, thinking I have to pay for my Mama's succession, thinking I want to be taken back to AR hospital to die, why do we (I) have to pay $1500 to settle Mama's estate, an estate I want no part of, but it has to be paid anyhow, and luckily I get money back from income tax to pay it. I had to get out of bed. There is some quote, and I cannot remember it, but it says "you think too much" and there is more to it. Well, it is Easter Sunday, I cannot go to the bank. There are people who have to be fed and I am out of groceries (almost) and people that depend on me. Too many people.

I'm glad that my family never did much celebrating. Oh, when the kids were young we had their birthday parties and our biggest kid (Billy), he always started dropping hints before birthdays, Christmas, and Father's Day. I remember one time fussing at him because the kids could not afford some of the things he wanted and I so wish I had not done that. They enjoyed buying for him. Call me "The Grinch" because some days I feel like that ole monster. I'm still selfish, mostly on days to remember I just spend my time trying to forgive myself for being a joy breaker. I am still that way, I don't want to celebrate anything.

WBS, your beautiful note just shows me we have the best of the best on this forum. So much sorrow, so much pain that it is palpable, but everyone keeps on going. I have met many inspirations on here.

Butch, I am like those people who never know what to say. Marty said it all perfect. We love your family Butch and you too. No words can fix this, but you and your family are thought off all the time and I say my mustard seed prayers. Sometimes even the smallest voice is heard. I wish you peace dear Butch, and your family also. I know it won't happen now.

Cookie, my good friend had her pup relieved of his pain today also. Her sister and brother-in-law are veterinarians. Beans was a big eyed pup she had had for years. My friend's daughter is studying to be a veterinarian also, to work with her aunt. I am so sorry for your pup's illness. My friend has all kinds of animals running around her house, lizards of all kinds, chickens, and she loves all of them. I don't want us to have anymore pain.

Same here Gwen. I think we are fully qualified and educated to grieve our own grief. My last book I probably spoke about is on the Heavens. I cannot count my other books, there are too many. Enough to say I supported Amazon for 18 months. I think we are on our own. We have family here. But grieving, I don't think any book can verify what we know to be true. Hugs to you.

At first I read them to see if what I was feeling was shared. Certainly it was shared by everyone here. I find no one else is different. We are not (politically incorrect term) crazy, even though if feels worse than at my craziest (and I have been there). I read Kay Redfield Jamison's because she is bipolar, and I wanted to see how she handled both. She got married again. I knew my son's experience with "heaven" as we call it. I wanted to read more. And I read with fear. I know now how everyone takes grief. We grieve. Heaven is another dimension I hesitate to read other's claims. They came back, even though they did not want to come. I want Billy to be safe and happy. We certainly aren't. I do read with some hesitation some books, and some I have to put down.. You cannot believe everything you read. Except on here. And as to the other, well, "I believe" (One of my CD's songs from the 50's.

I have not read everything. All I know is all my fairy tales had "happily ever after." Then one day I read William Saroyan saying "Everybody has to die, but I always believed an exception would be made in my case. Now What?" He died the year before my cancer was diagnosed and I read those words afterwards. I just bought another book. Please Lord, don't let me get any more confused, depressed, alone, and a bunch more words. It is called "The Heaven Answer Book" by Billy Graham. It came from 1960 to 1995. I know myself (well, that is a lie, I have no idea who I am), but I can damn sure tell you if he was my age writing it, not sure I would read it. Not saying I am dumb. I am not. Sometimes I am brilliant. But, it lasts too short a time to get it written down, and then it disappears.

Steve, maybe because he was 20 and I was 18, and we married for all the wrong reasons, and we weathered storms that should have destroyed us, sometimes I felt I almost hated him and sometimes he would look at me like I knew he wanted to be somewhere else, but we could not stand to be away from each other either. We were separated for six weeks once, yet we saw each other every day. I miss him.

I used to play the game of remaking ourselves. After we retired the first time (for me), we stopped one time at a seniors only park and they wanted to see our driver's license. Then family made us get off the road and we made ourselves trailer park people (I loved that), then farmers, then little town dwellers again, then we finally had to settle down for 10 years so our granddaughter could have roots. We lived many lives. When we first got married we moved every 3-4 months. No furniture, just boxes. He used to tease me that every time the dishes got dirty I was ready to move. Finally into the RV's and could move our home all around within driving range of our jobs. We were definitely not homesteaders, but managed to stay there long enough in a brix and stix house so our kids could go to the same school, we were there 17 years, then built the house on the lake and was going to stay on the big porch and just look out at the water, or on the big pier. Billy caught an eight pound bass off that cypress tree covered pier. We never sat on the porch long. It was boring. Even Billy got tired of the lake house, and that had been his dream all those years. So we bought our first RV and our life had been found. We did a lot of living, fussing, and loving in those 54 years, and a whole lot of growing up and forgiving.

Since I read my last book, don't remember the name of it, I left it in the washateria, but I mentioned it on here. The man visited a place where Jesus was. He was in a coma for either months or weeks and when he came back, Jesus said it was not his time, he spent years being actually living with a disaster for a body. He did not want to be here but he could tell no one because he had a family. I know it was a book, but it was not written as fiction. It was one man. Many skeptical men vouched for the man, the man himself. But, my son had the same brief experience. I hope it is that way, I hope Billy does not want to come back, but it has shut down my talking to him. I know this is just my problem and it is one I don't want corrected because I want to believe Billy is in a place he does not want to leave, I don't want him to have worry or pain and believe time to them is no more. But I did not think he could get further away from me, but he is. My superstition, magic, mysticism is no more. I felt like Billy helped me find the nugget. I felt he and I finished reading the book he loved. I don't feel he found the folder for me. I don't ever want him to hurt again. Sometimes when things get too much for me though, I wish he could help. I know this crosses the religious/faith/no faith line, and I know no one can help me. I don't cry much anymore. I did find my big box of CD's from the 1950's. I can listen to everyone without crying. I did not know Billy then.

I married right out of business school. My mom did not want me to take the best job offer, small town. I honestly did want to be one of those go-go dancers way before your time. but my deacon dad would have disowned me. My new husband (was all talk) and said no wife of his was gonna work. I asked to use "our" car one day and he said "No!" He told me marriage was 75-25. Out of the frying pan into the fire. I couldn't run from one prison to another. Years passed and that ogre became my best friend ever. By that time marriage was 100% both of us. I would not change a thing except I would have liked 54 more years.

Well girls, I was married one time for 54 years. But, I cannot tell you how many men that one man was. The little mama's boy I married, the mental abusive (could not have handled physical) person, my children's father, the ladies man, and then finally the forgiver and my best friend. We had any number of reasons to quit, I sure was not perfect, but finally after about 30 years we got it right. We are just lucky we didn't kill each other during those first 30 years. But, if I had to do it over again, well at my age now I couldn't handle him or myself those first 30 years. I think we finally just decided we could not get rid of the other one and settled into a comfortable existence. Too comfortable. I miss him terribly, but somehow, I think he is in a safe place and would not come back if he could. That kinda hurts, but thinking that helps me some too.. For sure, the reason I came back "home" was to feel him here as a young man. He is not here. I am.

Welcome Anne. I found the picture you quoted from Charlie Brown. It is so true. Thank you for mentioning it. Gwen, Kay, I hope you all get some spring weather. I've never been to your part of the country but wanted to go. It was on our bucket list, Canada too. I had a movie DVD that Billy surprised me with once. I had seen the movie before and read the book by Margaret Craven "I Heard the Owl Call My Name" and I do not recommend it because we do so much crying already, but it was so beautiful, the message it contained was beautiful and the song "Amazing Grace" playing at the end brought buckets of tears. I've lost the movie now, but Billy had ordered it for me as a surprise. Kevin, you just keep moving on. You don't let things slow you down. I'm proud of you. I have to go talk to my granddaughter's therapist today without her, a request from the therapist. I know what she wants. She wants to put her in group therapy. A child with social anxiety, and I am going to let her with the stipulation that she only has to join in if she wants to. It will come, but it will come at her own time. I do not believe in forcing it and hopefully the therapist agrees.

One thing I did that probably helped. When I moved I have a new area code and new phone number. In my name. No calls for Billy. Our son's name is Billy Scott, so when something comes for Billy, I know it is for him, so those reminders do not haunt me.

Girls, my Billy would never gripe about pain, except his back, which with his herniated disks we had been dealing with that since his late 30's or early 40's. It never made him take to the bed. When they did the CT scan, or MRI, and found he had an aneurysm at the base of his brain, I never thought to question anything. We thought we would get that fixed, and they seemed assured it could be fixed, but the very next week we found out he had wide spread cancer. Backache was the only symptom. Primary was listed as colon, but feel sure it was liver, only one colon polyp. Liver was destroyed. The reason did not matter, he was gone fast. Could not bring him back whether it was colon, liver, aneurysm, or heart. And believe me, he had two physicals a year whether he needed them or not, strange heart beat skipping when I took his blood pressure and directly to cardiologist. Skin cancer on back, straight to dermatologist. No stone unturned, yet he was gone. One time he asked me if I was worried about his "facilities." I told him his facilities worked fine, but might worry about his faculties. He fought snakes at night sometimes. He had always had vivid dreams. One time he turned a flip in the bed, I sat up and remember thinking "that would be a 10 at the Olympics." Strange thought, strange behavior. He got road rage later in life. He was so easy going later in life this road rage was a new thing. A few other strange things now that probably could be attributed to the aneurysm. Maybe the cancer had spread to his brain, it certainly was everywhere else. Lots of questions. No answers. When they are gone, nothing we can do but mourn. And, I am an expert at that.

I get you Gwen. I am only allowed 2 a day and honestly, after I take them for awhile I sure could use more. Have not been helping at night as much and sometimes I won't take one in the daytime, unless like today and will take 1-1/2 at night. Have not been sleeping that good lately. We have bad days and sometimes really bad days. Sometimes it feels like we are only living so we can die. That is why the doc gave me an antidepressant because I don't want to undergo any more tests when they cannot do anything. She thought I was just being depressed. The woman was not listening to me. They have called the house twice and last time they called I told them what had happened with the antidepressant that I told her I could not take. I told the nurse I did not want to go to a doctor that did not listen to me. The #1 side effect was constipation and she is going to give that to someone that has already told her I have to take Miralax every night.. I'm sorry, but they take an oath to "first do no harm." Guess I am a little off my game tonight, that damn folder I had to find. I was getting afraid I did not want to face finding it. Well, it is a high and a low. What's new?

Okay, the saga of the missing green folder has been solved. It has all Billy's information in it that I have to have. I was really beginning to think I just did not want to find it. I have lost sleep worrying about it. A strange thing I have found I can do though, I can be trying to go to sleep and I can quit thinking about the bad thing and begin thinking about something worse. A new trick I have learned. My mama would lose something and my daddy would make her sit down and retrace her steps to where she was to begin with. I always marveled how she could do this. My mind is like one of those old Minnesota treadle sewing machines. It does not have a reverse. (I have my great grandmother's sewing machine that won't back up). It was in the last box I looked in that did not have clothes in it and no, I have no recollection of how it got there. And to top it all off, that light green plastic expanding folder was a true blue, no rubber bands holding it together either. That must be my image of my brain, light green see through plastic with rubber bands holding it together. Plastic word salad. I am high as the sky because I found it and lower than low because I know what all I have to go through looking at it now. Almost think I lost it on purpose, only now my tax return will help my sister save the house. We just have to keep living, "promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep" RF.

Kay, we had state group insurance. I noticed the circumcision was $5. Now without insurance it is between $800 and $3000.

I still have not found the folder. I don't know if you all do this, but for these past months if anything comes in the mail that I don't owe, anything that pertains to the medicine Billy had to take, what the insurance paid, etc., well it is all paid for, has been for months, but still I will get something showing how much the chemotherapy helping unit paid, showing I owe nothing. Do I throw it away. Do I keep it. Something else comes in. Not able to face it right now. Really not important, but today I am having to sift through all this. And, I did have to take a Xanax. How many times can they die? How many waves wash against you, even small ones knock you off your feet. Gotta get the taxes paid. Gotta make sure I have all the papers. Sometimes you can numb yourself, hey your doing good, then wham, off your feet again and the older I get the harder it gets to get up. I did find one piece, I will definitely have a DNR. I had them do things to Billy just so the kids could say goodbye. I hope he forgives me. I know he did. If anything passes through his mind, where ever he is, I know he is not worried and know he does not want to return. I don't blame him.