Margm

The long ER wait with me going to desk constantly. They allowed me to give him his morphine. We were there in daylight, in a room by just around 4:00 a.m. and by 7:30 a.m. he was gone. Those long hours of suffering in the ER were the most he suffered, that I could see. That man took pain without fussing. He was so strong, I was not going to allow him to die. Showed what a lowly human I was. I had no choice. His whole body was wracked with cancer. Things I should have noticed I did not see. The letter I was to write to the hospital (one I had retired from) has never been written, complaining about the ER wait. I found a diary I kept of the short time he was sick. At the end I wrote "no more to write, he left me on October 17, 2015. I think there does come a time you quit counting. Then you remember. No, you will never forget. After 54 years of waking up with him beside me, sometimes I still think he is there, for just one moment, then I get out of bed.

I cannot remember when there was no Billy. I know I must have enjoyed the beauty of spring and especially the beauty of autumn. He left me in autumn, the time we would have been taking pictures. I don't see autumn. I understand where you both are coming from. The flowering trees, the bushes, the fluorescent green of the new leaves. With Billy looking too, they were beautiful. Without him, I notice them, I think they are pretty, but they will never be as lovely as they used to be. Still looking for my green folder.. I found my hospital bill from June of 1962, giving birth to Scott. They kept us four days cause I had a little trouble. Total bill, including circ for baby boy was $126.50.

Marty, I glow so much I should be tapped as an energy source. I like your father. I wish I could remember more of what my dad said, but I'm not sure Mama let him talk much.

I'm glad you got to see your daughter. Those were pretty powerful winds. We have been having bad winds also. My grandfather used to warn about the "Ides of March" and you know I don't remember much about history and have not googled it, but think it had something to do with Julius Caesar. The thing was, my grandfather died during the ides of March. Gonna have to google that. I'm glad your eye feels better. Know eventually I will have to have cataract removal but last exam they just said I had the beginnings of cataracts. Your daughter must live fairly close. I've never been up the northern coast, but we had planned on going. My daughter is back in AR and happy as a Lark, thank goodness. She said the wind blew all the time in Kansas and she wanted to get back to where there was moisture and a person could sweat (or perspire as we southern girls are supposed to do.) I kept an allergy in Albuquerque, maybe from the dryness. Hope you slept good.

I lived through it too George. Also, my son is a Navy veteran of the submarines. She is a good actress, and I don't approve of the things she did during the Vietnam war. But, I do like to laugh and the series is funny, to me. I also read her autobiography. Yet, I am not a fan of hers. I do like the series though. There were Vietnam veterans living in the hills around the RV camp we ran while the family was gone. One came down from the hills, he "borrowed" a bar of soap. I had a new box of a soap that was not opened. He was so honest he brought the soap back to me. Our boys were not treated right. One of my dad's and for my growing up years, one of our neighbor's son's died last month. His brother was listed as missing in Vietnam. Billy tried to join but was 4F, or whatever they call it. My son spent months on a submarine that went inside Russia's waters. But, the show was funny. I needed funny. I was able to accept her as the character, not Hanoi Jane.

We don't all have the same sense of humor Gin. My friend Wanda would probably not speak to me again if I told her to watch it. Also, women and men from the Vietnam time had/has a grudge against Jane Fonda. But those two women came to me at a time I thought I would never laugh again and it sure felt good to laugh. And, I can see myself as the hippie one with her mantras, waving around the burning sage and wait till you get to the peyo-tea (peyote). In one scene Grace tells her husband "I wish you had died." It made me think, oh heck, it would have been a surprise, but I would rather Billy had lived, even if it wasn't with me. I'm the only one in my family likes to know what happens in a show or book before it happens. i used to get so involved in a book and had to put it down so I would read the last chapter. If it was a good book I would go back and finish it, even knowing the ending. My mama used to do the same thing.

My mom was "different" and she held a tremendous hatred for my grandmother, my dad's mom. My dad's family applauded my mom's taking care of my dad. They had known my mom for 44 years. If my grandmother was ever hateful to my mom, she did it when no one else was around. I have to say, the woman (my grandmother) was as close to being a saint as they come. My mom was jealous of her from day 1. My dad could not show his mom any attention or do anything for her, though he was the oldest son, without my mom throwing a fit. After my dad passed she was telling a man in the grocery check out lane what a terrible woman her MIL was. No reason for doing this. I turned around to her, in front of this man, and I said "Mama, she has been gone seven years, give it a rest." My mom really had something mentally wrong, and we all knew it, but verbal abuse (and some physical abuse against my dad), and whippings were the only things she did to my sister and me. She took very good care of my dad, but had been up for a promotion at her job when he got so ill she had to quit. She did it grudgingly. And, she never shut up about his being ill made her have to quit such a wonderful job. She took care of him for four years. She made it where my grandma could not come see him. They offered my mother nothing but kindness. More than she deserved. One time my grandmother said "I know you hate to see him suffer and know you had rather be sick than have him sick." My mother looked her square in the face and said "No I do not, if I was sick, how would I take care of him?" Sometimes logic was lost on my mom. This was the differences in Billy's mom and mine. My mom would say "if wishes were horses, beggars would ride." Billy's mom said "wish in one hand and S__T in the other and see which one fills up the fastest." I would not wish this pain on Billy. We shared everything. I was him, he was me. (His words), but sometimes I am selfish enough to....................wish.

Gin, I think sometimes (and I cannot speak for everyone, just myself), we just plain feel guilty because we did not go first. I was supposed to. I think sometimes too (and again, I am speaking for myself, only me) that I wish I had.

Gwen, I certainly am certifiable, but I have been for a long time. Sometimes it helps. People don't expect as much from me.

I grew up in a time when the two words "politically correct" were not put together. I have a granddaughter that corrects me when I even say retarded. In my little sawmill/papermill town we had many things that were just wrong. At the time I did not understand how wrong. We grew up with separate bathrooms, closet doors that were kept shut, black schools and white schools. My sister teaches at a predominantly black college. It is a historic college called Grambling. Those are her children, she hears their stories, she sees how many were brought up. The funny thing is, the older blacks are just as prejudice against whites as the whites were against the blacks in my growing up period. One of the little towns, on the outskirts of town, had a sign that they (blacks) better not be out after sunset. This is true. My son came home from first grade with a new best friend, a little black boy and to two people who did not go to integrated schools, it was a shock. (Actually, Billy and I both liked this acceptance by our son). That was an Air Force town and I guess they moved on. My son quit the Mason's after being accepted because in the small AR town the rules and regulations did not include the blacks. My granddaughter has a bio mother that is white and a bio father from Thailand. Not a prejudice bone in her body. The words I use sometimes, she corrects. Billy used to love to tease her by using words she would jump on him about. He did it just to get a rise out of her. I've learned to clean up my language over the years. I did let the "N" word slip the other day and should have said "Jerry-rig" about my laundry buggy fixing. There are so many words now that are not politically correct and crazy and retarded are two of them. It is possible to teach an old dog new tricks easier than it is to break him/her from their old tricks. I actually think they do use the word "bats__t" in language now, but I think they use the product in explosives or something like that. I like the word eccentric, I am eccentric, but if a medical classification needed to be given for BS crazy, I guess it would be politically correct to call it chronic depression, but somehow medical words get lost in the translation. We have had to learn to accept people that when we (Billy and me) were growing up, we could point out a couple on the street. One in one town and another in this town. Knew them by name. Just two. Then, our world exploded and we had to learn to accept very close relatives that had swung open the closet doors and that was hard on me and Billy both. It took brave people to break down those closet doors. But accept them we did. You love your relatives and you do not want them to undergo the trials and tribulations they face every day. You might not approve, and they know this, but you do accept it and you love these relatives and their friends. You do not admonish them that you believe they are going to hell, because your interpretation of the Bible says this, but just like being politically correct, you try to learn to evolve. We live in a "crazy" world, or should I say "bats__t crazy" world? Dr. Phil is a character who makes lots of money from his opinions. Oprah gave him his chance. I had two grandma's until I was in my 40's. One was so loving and precious, I wanted to be just like her. My other grandma, she had to spread her love to a lot more people than my dad's mama. I'm afraid I have some of her coldness, but I sure wish I could be more like my sweet grandma. My granddaughter keeps my heart from being frozen, but in some ways it is still frozen. My sweet grandma's husband (my grandfather), no one seemed to mourn his passing. My kinda cold grandmother, we and she always mourned my mother's father's passing. Billy will always be mourned, but I think I will probably slide on out without much notice.

I'm so sorry. No words.

This is in regard to the post Marty gave about there being hope. I moved it from the post it was on. Marty gives the best advice. I read books written by widows, I get them on my Kindle all the time. Not to suffer more, but to see if some of this suffering is just me or other people. We all know my word salads and sometimes they don't make sense, but in Marty's post she mentions the word "hope" and somehow that is one four letter word I want to try to center on. I wish I could take advice and use it. Honestly, sometimes I can and sometimes my grief, anxiety, fear, phobia, and a lot of times like batsh__t crazy, so many moods, it is like a giant bug that runs into a windshield, splat everywhere. I honestly do not look forward to dying anymore. The only fear I have of it is leaving before I leave things my family has to take care of. Quoting Billy again "if you die your worries and pain will be over with and it will be placed on those that are left." I don't want to leave anything to clean up for my family. That is one fear I have no control over unless I finish the goals I have in place. But, Billy had goals too. I do not think I am going crazy. I like other words for crazy. My favorite is eccentric, and I have always been that. Billy really hated my worrying. I never gave that up. Still have not. But that damn green folder with all his death certificates, there is a force that pulls me away from it. Like the nugget I searched for, it was right in front of me and I could not see it. Marty, you give excellent advice, you even give advice that has hope in it. It is up to us to take and run with it. You, well, you are the expert and sometimes I am just that damn bug splattered all over the windshield. There is one word you give though, "hope," that may not be seen yet, certainly not by the bug splat, but I ain't dead yet. Autumn, I am a lot older, sometimes it seems like life is not worth living, but that little four letter word "hope" keeps popping up. I know a lot of four letter words. Love is one of them and so is hurt, but it is nice to know there is still hope, even if we cannot see it yet.

I am moving this to my "hell" post. Butch, we are given "hope" and that is my word today. Even a little hope is hope and dear Butch, my mustard seed faith prayers are the size of a pineapple going to prayer for your grandson, you, and your wonderful family, who have had too much to bear.

This poor family. Too much. All our prayers, hope and love.

I don't know how to copy using this tablet. I hate to be a downer, but maybe the light at the end of the tunnel is the same one I hope Billy saw. I know there will never be happiness like we shared. Fear is not new to me since I have my phobias I always had. Still scared of dark, and this is dark. Maybe there will be different degrees of dark. And I am ready to move again. But like the old saying goes, no matter where I go, there I am.

Sun is out, beautiful day. I like apartment living. I guess they are susceptible too. Really, these things around in these parts are common, but still cause death and damage. I grew up being afraid of earthquakes, (which we don't have)..

Patty, this old world does not seem to play fair a lot of times. A Rabbi once wrote a book about "When Bad Things Happen to Good People." And I never questioned why I got cancer, why I had to go through such horrible treatments to a place I considered private. Couldn't it have been my cuticles, anything that was on the outside. But, me being the Missionary fire and brimstone Baptist that I was, I always figured I got what I deserved. That was not true, but when you are brainwashed from a toddler on, you grow up believing things. Yes, I always figured I got what I deserved. That was wrong. What about all those other people around me at MD Anderson, long before the TV show "The Walking Dead," this is what I saw. I remember one pretty woman going to play tennis with her son at one of the Mississippi colleges saying "well, I did not want to get old anyhow" and she was in such a good mood. I know it was forced. I don't know what will happen today. I don't know our time difference, but I would like you to write us the results of the trial. I am hoping for a wonderful outcome and your saying you would let your attorney do your talking was spot on. We are thinking about you and wish you so much the very best outcome. And Karen and Gin, Kay, hope you all are feeling better. Kinda a pun intended Kay, but Jim sounds like a gem. I am glad you have help. Hope your results are what you want.

Patty, most people will not like me to say this, but something I have found over the years is a woman's tears sometimes melts the ice around a lot of things. I said I have never had a traffic ticket, but I did not tell about two times I was stopped and was so scared I started crying. No ticket. Even after nearly 55 years, Billy was not immune to them either. I don't look on it as being weak, I look on it as a weapon. unfortunately, I will cry when i am angry too. But, like I said, most people will think that is dirty pool. I will say I can curse a blue stream too, but the tears seem to work better. (I really don't do much cursing the closer I get to Heaven).

Gwen, it is when I am in bed that my mind has to be quieted. It works in the daytime, I mean the wheels turn, not always they way they should turn, but I'm able to fight off the bad stuff. Alone in the car ........... that is alone, and afraid. That used to be my place of solitude, now it is fear. I think I might be afraid I will forget I'm driving.

George, we have tornadoes all around us. Look at the weather map around Shreveport. Strangely, I am not anxious.

Well, I am so glad you are there. You think that people would be kinder to a widow, but it is like a predator who finds the last of the pack, the one who is hurt, and they will pounce on the hurt one. There has to be a special place for people like that. Glad you are there to let us know what is going on and good luck to all of you.. I hope the partner goes after the tow truck driver. I kind of like it when the woman wins. Just count it to my feminist side.

I am reading and trying to find my faith in life, in Christianity, in just living period. It is like there is a shield up and my most sincerest prayers won't go through that shield. I guess it is anger that I won't admit to. Yet, I know, I can hear my mama say and talk about the "peace that passes all understanding." I have not reached that peace yet. It is a roadblock too big for me to climb and too wide to go around. I still know I have my mustard seed faith, but in my life (and I am only referring to my life, not trying to preach to anyone else), this peace is what I have to find and the wall or shield I throw up, I cannot break through. Stubborn I guess. Cannot make myself do this. I don't know why. This real fear is new to me. Since when was I so afraid. I have not been this afraid any of these 17+ months. I hate this fear. But AB, I truly believe you will feel more in tune with people your own age that loses their mate. We all hurt in so many different degrees, but my many years meant that I had close friends that I could talk to. At 27, I had no friends to talk to that had lost their husbands. Marty gave you some good places to go.

AB, I am an "older widow" and it does not dull the agony, but because I am older (Marty, I'm not saying the ugly word "old"), I have many friends who crossed this path long before I did. One of them is not really speaking to me right now because I would not do the "GriefShare" course. She might be peeved at me because she thinks I am not trying to help myself. I came away from the meetings more depressed than ever. I tried 2 or 3, cannot remember. I did the same with the cancer group, I could not handle it, but group therapy in psychiatry was handled okay. I Just read the first note written in Hope and Healing at Camp Widow that Marty referred to. At age 27, I did not know any widows my age and I know I would have felt like I was in a tiny lifeboat in the middle of the ocean with no help. These are women you can relate to. You cannot relate to me, although you know we suffer from the same pain. I could/and do write my word salads all day and they would not reach you at all. My friends are nearly all widows, so I have a neighborhood of women who relate to my pain. You don't, except for some on here. Being "penpals" with women your age, reading their feelings, I really think you could relate to them. But don't leave us either. Even being so much older, I feel your pain. I think we have some young people on this forum that might not join in much, but those sites that Marty told you to go to, they might be your "saving grace." At least you would have more in common and you can relate to them more. I do not like to see so many young widows or widowers, in fact, I don't like seeing so many older either.

At least you are doing something worthwhile Gin. I need so bad to find the green folder with all Billy's papers in it. It is like I am some stupid idiot that cannot move. I cannot remember where I put it and looking for it seems to be something I cannot move my body to do. It is totally necessary. It is something I have to do. My son is with me also. But, he has always been with us. He gets a small VA pension and knows he has to move on. He has the RV but it takes half his pension to live in a park. This month it took $400 to change his license from AR to LA. We have three TV's, he has his own kind of diet so he really is no trouble, but the apartment is small. In the big house there was no problem. So, he is here one more month. My daughter is on her way back to AR with her "significant other." Now I have to get my granddaughter through school, therapy, and hopefully a life where she is not scared. (blind leading the blind). Gin, I had never used our house insurance before our burst pipe so I did not know that they would have brought in someone to clean out the water and mold. Billy did it himself with shop vacuum. The insurance adjuster came out and he and I could not even talk. He was very arrogant and I told my insurance agent to keep him away from us and complained vigorously to the company. Our only time of using our insurance. Our insurance went up for a long period of time (I guess to pay off the repairs). Have you contacted your home insurance agent?

I think I live in the tornado belt. Went with my dad (who knew some of the people) when I was about 6-7-8 to small town close. I think the death toll was high and I remember the air having a green color to it. I figured the tornadoes would head through the corridor of least resistance like the flat land of Kansas and Oklahoma, but we lived for a few years in a little town called Mena, AR. Beautiful town of probably about 6,000 people, thereabouts. Mountains all surrounding the town, just cannot be matched for beauty, but that little town seems to be a tornado magnet. Don't know why. Someone lots smarter than I am can tell you. The last one, a friend of ours told his mother to sit in the hall and when he hurried to her house, there she was sitting in the hall and the house blown down around her. Weather phenomenons. I saw one in a distance traveling down I-20 in Louisiana. We have no mountains, but I would have thought (in my stupid mind) the mountains would have been protective. Anyhow, glad you all escaped them. Billy would have stood in the doorway and watched one but Brianna and I have sat in the bathroom in middle of the house many times. Daddy was so anxious about them he would make us come to the RR depot down the road from where we lived. Those things can be so dangerous that the brick building he was in was right next to the wood yard of the paper mill. Very dangerous place to be. He thought the brick building was safe.