Margm

How do we measure the depth of our pain? A broken hip while young will be fitted with the kind that can be removed and a permanent put in when they are old. I admit that when I had to pull the charts (before computers) for patients that were old, (they were big heavy charts, sometimes 2-3 for one person) I would gripe and complain in my head (I was in my 20's) and even think "If they are so sick and old they ought to just go on and die." Cruel? Yes it was. In my college English class we were discussing ageism and learning. My smart mouth (in my 20's) said it was wasted on those over a certain age because they would forget it and could not learn like young people. I sat in front of the class. An aged ex-Marine in back gave me my answer. I think they could have turned off the lights and my fluorescent red face would have lit up the room. I was so wrong, but it was not my first time to be wrong, or my last. I'm getting paid back in spades (and not sure what that means either). Maybe to dig my grave. Billy and I had years and years together. We had children, grandchildren and great grandchildren, in fact we had so many worries and problems to take care of, our song was "A Time for Us." We were at that stage in life that it was a time for us. We still had plans, we did not feel old.......but it is now only a short time for me, alone. I am sorry for those that did not get to live out their lives together. I have a cousin a year older than me I need to go check on. She just lost her husband of about 56 years. Billy and I had a good run. We went through some trials and tribulations that most couples would have given up on. Last night after my nightly "potion" I was still awake at 2:00 a.m. and films of our life played through my mind. I could not shut them down. My chronic depression hit a very low ebb. I did the unthinkable, I took a 2nd Xanax and shut those nightmares down. You see, memories are good. I have mostly good memories, but I have some very bad ones too. I don't get to choose which keeps me awake. All I knew last night was, I didn't want to live without him. (Still have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, RF). Yesterday was a very bad day. Of course all days are bad, but there are some worse than others. Billy did not believe in all my magic and mystic feelings, he, of course, did not believe in anything supernatural. I always, after kicking cancer, had feelings of magic and faith. It was a good feeling seeing spring blossom out, to see the autumn leaves changing colors. There is still a feeling, but it is a lost in time feeling. He said I was him and he was me. He took all of my "me" feelings with him when he left and I am now up against his negative feelings. We had many years, many happy moments, and many moments that I would not wish on anyone, and he would feel the same. I'm sorry for those that were left with very few years. I am glad Billy and I had enough time to heal the bad times and become best friends. But, when I get off by myself, knowing he is not at home waiting, I am so scared. I am scared of living without him, so many years with him, I was him, now "I" am lost as anyone, no matter the years, maybe because of the years. Needing to do so much, putting it off, procrastinating in my "word salad." I ache too.

I never remember dates or days of the week anymore, so I am glad you reminded us. I hope that she does great. We know, it is hard doing things alone. When I was so ill I had family that did not even want me to get out of the lounge chair. Wanted to drive me everywhere, wanted to do everything ffor me and I felt myself losing myself. Well, now it is all on me, and also worrying about other family members. I could do it just as long as I knew Billy was there. He didn't have to be with me, but he was "there" where ever "there" was. Now I feel totally inept at running myself around, running the family around, and it is because he is not "there." Gin and Kay are independent women also, but none of us really want to be. Wanted to be independent as long as Billy was "there." Now I have no faith in anything I do.

Gin, I hope you are feeling better. Hate the flooding. My husband's family rented his whole life so when it came time for us to buy, he was not prepared for/and did not want to take care of a house. We woke up one morning with water covering the kitchen, washroom, living room, hall, and den. Pipe had burst under the sink. I put a note on refrigerator to remind him to replace other pipe under the sink. That was 4-5 years before he passed. I removed the note when I was moving. I look at other people's lawns and beautifully kept up houses and wish sometimes we had been "homesteaders" but if we had of been, I might not be renting now. My family had never rented and my dad was a Mr. Fix-It. Billy never was, and I was not Susie Homemaker, so we teamed up just fine. Billy's nephew's wife did all the home repairs so sometimes women can handle things by themselves. Not me. I hope you are on the mend, and so is your house.

Butch, words do not help. I will pray and I am so sorry. My heart is with your family.

Gin, the reason I did not go to GriefShare was because when I left I felt worse than when I went in. Now, that is just me. I am the one that started writing my feelings down after Billy left and when I reread them it was like taking a 100 stitch wound and ripping it open. It hurt that bad. I know it could not have hurt worse physically. And again "THIS IS JUST ME" The majority of people are not off kilter like I am. It is a study, and I believe it is to help her as a doctoral candidate. I know I have read the responses from the people who talked to her and it seemed to help them. As I said, I am off kilter, and at 74 right now, I don't want to open any wounds. We talk about things on here. It is funny watching "Grace and Frankie" as they are facing aging, heck, they have already had age smack them in the face over and over. In real life they are that age too, and older. (I have to wait till next year, I've already watched 13 episodes in two nights. Besides, she might decide to do a whole nuther case study for us oldies. I think she would have loved my grandmother's "book."

I worked the 11-7 shift at the hospital from 1970 until 1977. I did it so I could be with my kids when they came home from school and Billy could be with them at night. I took legal amphetamines to keep me awake at night and probably never got more than 5-6 hours sleep every day. It took a toll on my marriage and my wellness. But, each night when I got to work I would pick up the Shreveport Journal. (A newspaper that eventually ceased production). I would read the fishing report on the sports page, read the sports, a column by Wiley Hilburn and a column by Erma Bombeck. Losing both of those people was like losing a family member. Wiley would write about his family, his whole family, and he was a teacher/head of the department of journalism at a local college. His was the first time I learned about the black dog of depression. I felt like he and Erma were almost family members. Both are now gone, and Erma wrote this below, I think after she found out she was terminal. Cannot remember, but think it was in the beginning of kidney transplants that had not been perfected like they are today, but just going on a faulty memory with that. It always spoke to me though. These are her words below. Someone asked me the other day if I had my life to live over would I change anything. My answer was no, but then I thought about it and changed my mind. If I had my life to live over again I would have waxed less and listened more. Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy and complaining about the shadow over my feet, I'd have cherished every minute of it and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was to be my only chance in life to assist God in a miracle. I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed. I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded. I would have eaten popcorn in the "good" living room and worried less about the dirt when you lit the fireplace. I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth. I would have burnt the pink candle that was sculptured like a rose before it melted while being stored. I would have sat cross-legged on the lawn with my children and never worried about grass stains. I would have cried and laughed less while watching television ... and more while watching real life. I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband which I took for granted. I would have eaten less cottage cheese and more ice cream. I would have gone to bed when I was sick, instead of pretending the Earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for a day. I would never have bought ANYTHING just because it was practical/wouldn't show soil/ guaranteed to last a lifetime. When my child kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now, go get washed up for dinner." There would have been more I love yous ... more I'm sorrys ... more I'm listenings ... but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute of it ... look at it and really see it ... try it on ... live it ... exhaust it ... and never give that minute back until there was nothing left of it.” I miss Erma and Wiley, and so many others, most of all Billy.

I think I need to go by faith alone and if I find something that I do not really want to read, then I think I need not read it. I don't like concrete. I like mystical, magical, still don't like to put my feet under my bed getting into bed at night and still afraid of the dark.

Everybody has got to die, but I have always believed an exception would be made in my case. William Saroyan I've always been a big reader, but years ago, when I thought I possibly was going to die young (to me), I had the little book where Saroyan said this in. I seem to remember it as being small and it hit home with me. Saroyan had just been given the kiss of death and being the writer that he was, it came out as very powerful to me and must be what many people think. It was only yesterday I remember those terrible crow calls and animal calls that Billy would sit on the couch and make with his collection of "calls," and I would think, "your aggravating the heck out of us on purpose but one day I will wish I could hear them." And, it was just yesterday. Time to me is no more. I went back and read about this statement. Actually he passed away in 1981, and just before he died, he called someone and gave this statement. He was Armenian (but I believe lived his life in California) and had a big white mustache and I could have seen him playing in "Fiddler on the Roof." I remember the reason I was reading his book, and it was a book on depression, his own, that he had written. Sometimes my "remembering" lies to me, or I lie to myself. Sometimes things that never happened seem more real that the last five minutes.

Honestly, after I read the last book I mentioned, I feel he is even further away. I want him to be totally happy, not hurt, for time to not be a thing, but I feel a real distance I have not felt till now. Of course he is gone forever, how could he be anymore gone than he has been for 17 months? But he is in my heart and all the other cliches. I don't know how I feel, sort of stupid and alone. He did not do this on purpose, I know he wanted to stay and I told him he couldn't leave. He did not listen to me. We were immortal, yet we weren't. Now I cannot find him. I don't want him hurting or worrying. I just cannot feel him listening. Now it is time to find me. He is gone and I am sorta pissed off.

Besides "inquiring minds want to know." Yes, I am nosy. I am thinking about this "landlord" and what becomes of the trial. Now, I do wish you and Steve happiness, but I honestly am more interested in a woman winning out over a man in a lawsuit. Yes, I'm just that mean. Hopefully Steve can help. But, if your partner was "touched or somehow manhandled" by that landlord, I want the screws put to him.

Daigle, a good ole Louisiana name. This was a beautiful story. It is like Brianna grew up with Billy. I kept the radio off and talked to Jesus and Billy all the way to Magnolia and back, about 90-100 miles total, probably less. Talked to Jesus more probably cause now I feel that there is no way Billy would return, and it is my feeling (mine alone) that I am not sure anyone would want to return. Kinda of tee'd me off a little thinking that, but I so hope that is true. No more pain, only happiness. Daddy would have to teach a class at church some Wednesday nights and he and Mama talked. (Usually they fussed about something), might have been arguing this time but what Mama said stood out back those very many years ago. "You shall know as you are known." I have not looked it up. My faith runs all over the places like the Smurf's. I still have it though. Just a few more questions that I am not even sure I want answered cause I might have to be gone to know the answer. This was a beautiful story, beautiful voice, and her grandfather must have loved to hear her sing. I wonder if the daughter he saw as he was dying was her mom. Thank you George.

I sometimes criticize the Baptist, because I have always been one. I mentioned my dad was one of three deacons in our little Missionary Baptist Church. Sorry Kay, like I say, I am still Baptist, but looking to change, always have been, but not looking too hard. As a child, I knew some of our "laws" were not actually fair to everyone and that sometimes (and I grew up with some strict family laws) it seemed my little church figured everyone was going to hell but them. I mentioned also, when I was grown and back in church again, our Southern Baptist Church was preaching about two religions, about the people going to hell, and I got my purse, stood up in front of the middle of this group of people and turned my back and walked out. I don't remember going back. (But I also do not remember getting out of bed this morning, but I did). Could not go to sleep till 3:00 a.m., even with my "potion." Religion is another path we choose, just like faith, non-faith, or whatever way we choose to go. If the Jewish faith makes you feel something (at this point feeling anything is wonderful), then you go your own path, and you leave your footprints, others may follow. I tend toward the Catholic, have not studied it too much but did retire from two hospitals, one was Catholic, and I can still see that cross on the wall going in and out of my coma. I remember the nun holding my hands and praying over me and a feeling of peace. I don't know if it was my "peace that passes all understanding" or what it was. I am still searching. And, I will do what is right for me. I might leave footprints also.

Well George, that is one that I definitely need to read. Now putting it into practice is gonna be another thing entirely. Sometimes I can be a hard woman, but most times I am butter in the sun. Thanks for the book reminder.

No Cookie, we can never "let it be" but I think I understand something I have wondered about. Letting "scar tissue" grow over the wound. I really think I understand what Rose Kennedy meant now. I have wondered about that for awhile.

Patty you needed help, emotionally and in business too. What you have is your's and Steve's business and no one else's. I personally am glad he is there to help you through this business, with your business. I think he probably has the experience and no one is going to walk all over you because you are a woman. We have come a long way baby, but we women can still be "used" as the "weaker sex." Sometimes it is hard to stand up to by ourselves. Wish you both nothing but happiness.

Wow, a memory came to my head reading back over this. I think it was a country song and it was a date that had gone bad and I think she said "and I shaved my legs for that!" I am sure it is on google but I'm headed to town. Okay, my OCD got the best of me. Do you ever fight with yourself not to go back and look at something and you know your gonna do it. Well, this will help nobody but me. It was a Deana Carter country song. Funny how things will stick in your head. This is it, to nobody in the world but myself. George, don't shave your legs. I bought these new heels, did my nails Had my hair done just right I thought this new dress was a sure bet For romance tonight Well it's perfectly clear, between the TV and beer I won't get so much as a kiss As I head for the door I turn around to be sure Did I shave my legs for this Read more: Deana Carter - Did I Shave My Legs For This? Lyrics | MetroLyrics

“ ’Tis true they are not worth a ‘tinker’s damn’ ” (1839, from Henry David Thoreau’s journal); I loved it. Being from the south, we have so many expressions that others do not have, or maybe even understand. We are taught in school never to say the word "aint" and yet we use it as much as "bless his/her heart." My language was even laughed at by Billy. If I was thirsty, it always came out as Thursday. Ants were always "aints." Last night I used a word that my granddaughter (bless her heart) came unglued with and she honestly fussed at me. She is a quiet little thing. I am glad I don't have a cooking show because I would have to make a tearful confession to using a term that was commonplace with my growing up. My laundry basket wheels are shot, Scott tried to fix them. I said "never mind, I will "the N word" rig them. It just automatically came out of my mouth. I have been properly chastised and won't say it again. It is not something I say all the time anyhow. I wouldn't dare. Gosh it is hard to be so politically correct all the time.

Wish there was a happy medium. Honestly wish I could share the latest about my daughter, but after awhile it gets sorta boring. Sometimes also, the truth defies reality. Do we ever quit worrying about our kids? Mama and Billy used to talk on the phone. I figure Mama called Billy. I'm sorry, I know I should be ashamed of myself, but Mama told Billy "She was not brought up to act like that." I had been with Billy about 25 years at the time. Besides Kay, if I did not have them to gripe about, what would I do? I said I wanted to die of boredom, and I guess if I could not gripe and complain I would get bored.

People are going to do what they want to do regardless of the opinions (judgments) of others. Billy's brother was probably one of my favorite characters. He liked older women. First wife seven years older. Woman he lived with 25 years I don't think was older. She would not marry because she would lose dead husband's pension. During all this time there were other women. Borrowed our car once to take Pansy out. Joined the church and they were very busy in their church work. He even dated the preacher's wife. Sickness, unmarried wife wanted to pull the plug, Billy stepped in. BIL went to nursing home because he had ICU syndrome, unmarried wife died. He was elected king of Valentine's at nursing home. We got him out, he lived with us about two weeks. It was too confining. He had beginnings of Parkinson's disease, he had been a welder for years. He rode with me bringing his things to Arkansas. Billy drove the truck behind us. We found a seniors living place for him and he was happy. I wanted him to stay with us. He was "the man" among all those old women. When he was feeling low for running around on Mary (they were not married), I told him there would be another woman for him. He perked up and said "Do you really think so?" Must have been 70 then. Little 72-73 year old woman, adorable, he took a liking to. All the little women were after him. She would get so jealous. She had the beginnings of Alzheimer's. They had two years together (we would see them at the grocery store holding hands). They lived in downtown Hot Springs, and he would take her to all the little restaurants close by. He reminded me that I had told him he would find another woman. He died quite suddenly at the same hospital Billy left me in. He said those two years with this wife were the happiest in his life. He was a character. I would not wish any years of loneliness to anyone that might want companionship. Some want companionship. Some know being alone is never really being alone. And, if you want to stay alone, that is your business. If you want companionship, like my BIL wanted it, then make your own lemonade, it's your life. And, if you want it, in your own time, then you don't give one tinker's damn what other people think. More power to you. (I am going to google that, I don't know what it really means.)

Well, it is the only thing I have.

Well, that certainly was the truth. To me it is strictly up to the individual. Now, my friend, when she died and I called right after the funeral (day after) to offer my condolences the man's mother said the husband (her son) was on his honeymoon. He was lonesome. Now to me, in my opinion, I think that was a tiny bit soon. But, it did not hurt my friend's feelings, she did not care. Supposedly Billy would not care. I want to believe he is in a place he would not care, but I am only allowed one Xanax a night and I don't think they will give me more. In real life, Billy would not have wanted me to find someone else after he left. Yes, I am 100% positive of it. Besides, I am gonna be 75-years-old in August. What in this world would I want with another man. If I wanted a companion, I would get a dog, but that might be cruel also for the dog. Nah, I am not good company, it would run away and I would probably be glad. Now, that is just my opinion for myself. I don't believe in ghosts, but I don't not believe in them either.

Thank you Butch. She is a sweetheart and both pictures make me smile. She is adorable.

Same as Marita said. I use this forum as a crutch and life preserver. But, I know the forum is not going to call me or me check in every day except if I want to. Maybe his mom needs to have some time to grieve her own self and she has adopted you as a substitute. I just read Gwen's answer and honestly, I have no answer. Look at it from Gwen's perspective also. You all know my various family involvements/entanglements/ ad nauseam. They do provide much attention, sometimes more than I want to give. I think about moving away but I think my next move will be into assisted living.

Here I go again. This man, who was my life, I was not going to let him give up. I angrily knocked his beautiful soft hands down and told him "NO." He did not listen to me. He died without my permission. But the guilt has lessened. If the punishment is to live without him, it is a cruel punishment, but not one he did on purpose any more than my anger. One minute is better than the other. Another minute, you cry, but that does not help. You look outside and all the flowers are pretty, but life lacks something important that would make them beautiful. It goes on.

Butch, this grief work is not easy, as it is not easy seeing those we love go through a hard time. You, yourself, have been ill and as much as we love our family, as much as all the time taken away from our own problems, there never sometimes seems to be a time for ourselves. That was mine and Billy's song, "A Time for Us." It just never seemed to happen. We would break free for a little while, but then we were called back. I admit to some bitterness in the last 17 months. But one thing we both agreed on, if we had to do it any different, we would not have changed anything. We might not have been on some great adventure, but we were together.....until we were not. My hope and prayers are with you and your family. Time for a smile please, and that is a picture of Gracie.