Margm

WARNING, FAITH SPOKEN HERE: Again, might be wrong place to put things. I have no proof. I am reading on a book by Steve Musick "Life After Heaven". He was in a coma for five weeks. I won't go into the details. I have two books here that I kinda distance myself from. Well, actually three. Two of my Christian widow friends have both told me I need to read Psalms. I am no novice at the Bible, but yet I am also. I have a son who was shot in some kind of drug deal gone wrong. Shot in the leg, how bad can that be? I found out it was the main artery of the leg and he needed multiple units of blood that people that knew him and us donated. He coded twice on the OR table. We were traveling back from NM. No cell phones back then so I stopped at pay phones every few miles to get updates. My hospital, my resident friend operating. He coded twice, once it was in a dark place, next in a place of total light that he did not want to return from. The man in the book did not want to return. He walked with Jesus, he described him, felt God was there but never saw him, and did not want to return. It was beautiful where he and Jesus were. Singing, feeling of being held in a way that was comfortable. Beautiful light. Jesus told him everything that had happened to him in his life. Grasses that were so high he knew a farmer would be wanting to make hay. Light and beauty uncompared. I have a book written by a neurosurgeon who "died" also, but cannot find it. I have tried reading Psalms. My two friends keep their Bible open. I have many Bibles. I do not read them. I am afraid all I have is my mustard seed faith, but I have not lost it. It took this man many years before he would write this book. Jesus told him he could not stay and he could not understand leaving a place so perfect to lay in a hospital bed (will not give out book specifics) but he went from 195 pounds down to 126 in those five months (weeks?). Living was the hardest thing, but not yet the hardest thing he would have to do. During all this time he is thinking "why? I don't want to be here" even though he was a young man with his whole life ahead of him. Many "men" have said they believe this man's story. Many skeptical men like you and me. They believe him. I am human. I read things and I am just sometimes as negativistic as any of you. Some times maybe more so. But, my little mustard seed faith sustains me. My son said he saw many people and he knew them, yet did not know how he knew them. Billy would question my faith, he was very human also, yet when my faith was at the lowest, he told me about the Shepard that left his 99 sheep to find the one lost sheep. Billy told me that, just out of the moment I was my lowest. Then, when I knew I was dying he told me that if I did die that I would have no worries or pain and those would be left to us living. After reading part of this book (I have not finished it), I truly believe Billy is in a place that he does not want to return from. Time to them is nothing. It is not "time" as we know it. I want my magical, mystical belief, I want to believe that he wants to help me and our kids, like he did in life. Maybe I suffer a little disappointment thinking that perhaps he is happy, oblivious to my suffering. That would not be "my Billy." But, I believe that he is where he should be and it is up to me to carry on while I am here. I now do not believe "my Billy" wants to return. I do not feel abandoned though. It took this man many years to tell this story, many. He was thrown back into a body that was wracked with pain and almost dead, and he could not understand why he had to return to such a place. The Bible was written by men. We have accounts from men/humans that we can accept or not accept. There are people on here that have visited many different religions, one man I know for sure came back to Christianity. My son has visited many different religions. I really don't discuss it with him. Billy was a skeptic, but brought my faith to the forefront, on purpose, for some reason. We have to believe however we believe. It took this man many years before he could even talk about it with his wife. How do you tell your wife you did not want to return to even her? Do I believe this? I still wear my mustard seed.

kay, I'm thinking of you and know I will have to have something done because they told me I had beginnings of cataracts. I know its not my colon, but I don't want them touching me anywhere. Gotta get over that. Your in my thoughts and prayers anyhow.

Okay, I know the topic "How did I get here" and I know I got here probably about October 20th, three days after Billy left me. See, I still consider "he left me." I know it was not on purpose, but I hate the words "death, dying, died" even though they are true. Somehow or other, even at our ages, I wished he had "left me" for another woman, or even a man. Would make me "less a woman" but I don't know how I could get any less than I am right now. Still sometimes cannot think he is gone. I look to the sky, I talk to the sky, I talk to him and Jesus. But, I do not feel him with me, I just feel he "left me" and is not coming back. Sometimes my way of thinking is not like everyone or anyone elses way of thinking. I cannot really think of him as gone. I cannot see him and he won't talk to me, and intelligently I know he is gone. I know he is not coming back. I've said over and over "I've never been on my own" and I guess I still am not on my own. I have people all around me. I have a daughter that thought her name was Dorothy and went looking in Kansas for the Land of Oz, and I cannot get her home. I knew she would get up there and be stuck. I beg Billy to help me. I beg Jesus to help me. I don't know how good I'm doing raising a teenager. She is 17 and is still scared of the world. She faces school each day. She goes to therapy. I take her to the doctor. She has thyroid problems. My sister is not well and has to look for some way of making money this summer. What do you tell someone with so many degrees how to find a job, how to go to whatever department that helps with these things? I don't have answers to anything. The will to live is very much alive in me because "I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, RF" I might want to be with Billy, and if I was gone, these people would have to live for themselves and solve their own problems. Like Billy said "if you are gone your pain and your worries will be all over with and the people that love you will have these problems." I don't want to leave anyone any problems.

Patty (and others) remember "A woman is like a tea bag, you never know how strong it is until it's in hot water." Eleanor Roosevelt. I figure that woman knew what she was saying.

Did you know when I first started medical transcription we did not even have proper books. (State hospital). Of course, that was so long ago, I did start on the IBM Selectric and hated computers. Rather have 4-5 copies to correct. Then when we got computers we didn't have spell check. I never had that until about 10 years before I retired. Then computers took my job (voice recognition) and I had to be an editor and correct a doctor saying "parenthesis" and the computer hearing "bull flatus." I wish I had left it and retired right then. (And I'm sorry, did not look what the topic was. It was the last thing that came to my email and I will read them tomorrow, did not mean to hijack).

Billy used to ask me about my "blind faith" and I knew he had started college to be a Methodist minister. He had put a little too much faith in man, and won't say why, even though Billy is not with me, I believe enough to know he would not want me to give the reason even though all of the people have passed. This turned him against religion, and as a young man, like he was, I can understand. My dad was a good man, but one of only three deacons, and that many years ago, I saw things that were just wrong, done in the name of religion. As a young child, I saw they were wrong. Billy so much wanted me to keep my faith, and even though he questioned "why" one time, he accepted that I believed if there was a heaven, or if there was not a heaven, I had much rather be on the believing side than the non-believing side. He accepted this, and again, I want to believe that is how he believed. I will cling to that belief, like Brad said "I choose to believe that we are destined to find each other and travel together come what may." I cannot believe otherwise. If I am wrong, then it is for me to find out.

Somehow or other, for some reason or the other, maybe "as the twig is bent" this is what I believe. I sometimes think mine go no further than the ceiling, but sometimes I do feel there is someone far mightier than I am listening. It might not save anything, but then again, it might. And most times I feel like the elephant from "Horton Hears a Who." "Don't give up. I believe in you all; a person's a person, no matter how small." Dr. Seuss

I felt you were raised Catholic. I have no answers to anything, I only have to believe. And, I know when I can get back to where I once was, it will help me. It is just easier for me. My way is not everyone's way, but I have to travel that path. It is never a straight line. My heart is with you my friend. Mama used to quote to me that we will have the "peace that passes all understanding." I hope she has that now and is with her family, that is what she believed, and I hope it happened. We have to go our own way about a lot of things, and I hope for only the best for all of us. I am very saddened tonight for some reason. I will take my potion and pass on out.

Okay, typical PTSD, this was so traumatic, I think we have a case. You go girl.

Patty, I'm mean. If that landlord put his hands on your partner I want you to sue his..........self. I know they had to have taken pictures. Sue him and take the whole building. I know it cannot be so simple, unless you have pictures, take the whole building. I have only had two tickets, I forgot about the no seat belt ticket Billy and I both got when they were $25 each. My other ticket was $10. But the older I get the meaner. I wish you all the luck in the world my friend.

Brad, I hope you can find some peace during the trip. I know traveling without them, without them seeing the same things you see, I know it is going to take an extraordinary effort on your part to separate the pretty from the beautiful, the moderately interesting from the magnificent. I know it will make a difference, but the length of time you will be gone, then maybe your mind can sort things into some sort of interesting trip. Billy never believed in the supernatural in any way. I used to. I used to believe in magic and even a little bit of the supernatural. Billy took that with him, and I wish he would bring it back to me. I hope your trip turns out to be wonderful.

Gwen, a long time ago (sometimes in the past 17 months) I was, and am still, concerned about my faith. I leaned toward the Catholic because I loved their pageantry and I worked out in my head that since I did not understand purgatory, I figured this must be purgatory. You explained to me it wasn't. So, I know that you know about the religion, some how. I have had some major hits on my Baptist faith until I started wearing a mustard seed necklace. Cause, I gotta hang onto something. Lots with major faith, some with minor faith, some with none, some with questions, no answers. I wish we all could find that "peace that passes all understanding." Your all in my heart and I wish we all had more answers than questions. I like that lighting a candle. I don't understand it, but I know many faiths light a candle.

I think years and years ago people had a "drove" of kids and that was their security. My cousin, who really lived the "old ways" passed away, his wife (my cousin on other side of family), they had a small income, inherited land, but had five kids within minutes of their house, and one unmarried daughter took care of them. I am really remiss in not going to see her. We grew up fairly close, but she married at 15. I know she suffers and she only lives less than 20 miles away. I have a minimum schedule and seem afraid to wander off it. If there are no children, for whatever reason, we are on our own. My biggest problem is me. I have to offend myself to take a shower. If I did not have the responsibility, (perceived responsibility), I would not come out my front door. So my responsibilities may be my saving grace. I made myself take a shower this morning. I don't do anything to work up a sweat. To be totally honest with you, I have to shake myself and say, "I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, RF" Sometimes, and. I really am ashamed to say this, I wanted to go first, and still sometimes want to follow, but I cannot let my granddaughter, son, daughter, or sister down. I really was very ill one night last week and my sister was calling over and over. I really lost so much fluid I had mild aching over my heart. I got the keys, bought the Gatorade, hated it, drank it anyhow and got the Ensure down the next morning. I'm not afraid of dying, but I still have Billy's and my unfinished business. Perhaps I have a purpose. (I smell good anyhow).

The thing that surprised me, still does, was the anxiety and depression I felt for feeling I was too dependent on this forum. Then the old saying "misery loves company" came to my mind and that seems so cruel. I do not love your company because of your hurt and pain, but maybe sharing the hurt and pain and knowing other people feel that way, maybe that is the same thing. But, why would I let go of a life preserver if I cannot swim. I will take my granddaughter to school and my "resourceful" daughter has me going to look at a house in a neighboring town that she might move back to. And life goes on. Brad, I don't know when you are leaving, I might have to read backwards to find out because memory serves me not at all.

I avoid the topic except on here. My being older might be a blessing for me.

Gwen, I'm glad you mentioned it. At seventeen months out my memory is still not worth a damn. I've had friends ask me don't I remember and the things that strike the most anxiety is "do you know where something is located" and "do you remember?" If the memory does not hit me fast, I put it out of my mind. My granddaughter plays games trying to make me remember sometimes. I tried smiling in the grocery store at first, and meeting people looking them in the face. Now I keep my head down and just buggy on. My sister came up to me last week and I had my head down not looking at anyone. I have dream amnesia mostly and do not want "flooding" but if it comes on, I will be glad you told about it first. I woke myself up the other morning dreaming I was a man. Do not remember circumstances. Too late for me to check into this transgender stuff. I hope maybe spring will bring on better circumstances. I wish you both peace, we have enough upheaval.

Karen, this is what we are here for, me too. I do not revel in your pain, on the contrary, I wish there were ways we could climb over this calamity that life throws at us. My daughter being in Kansas bothers me very much, but I cannot get her back home. My sister knew how worried I was and said "She is very resourceful like her Maw" (my mama) and will find a way. She is right. She found her way up there, drove a big moving truck through Dallas with her car behind, alone.. Had already hired someone to help unload. She did that on her own, so I suppose she can do it again. Mothers never stop worrying or giving. I know I feel guilty that both of my grown children are bipolar and thus far we have had a lot of lively entertainment, but I always had Billy to help. Karen, Gwen, Joyce, Cookie, Gin, and any I have forgot, we have Kay as an example that we can make it. And remember, she has to shovel snow and get firewood and fight the elements. And our guys on here, they are models we can follow after too. We see that they are trying so hard to make it day to day and that is all any of us can do. My heart is with you Karen, I do understand.

Okay, the thought of leaving made me very depressed. I am used to depression, but this was old time depression. That is what bothered me. We lose the most important thing in our life and talking about it does not bring them back. But losing the forum was traumatic and that disturbs me. I wonder when losing my mama is going to disturb me. Gwen, maybe you worry me the most. I had my son and my granddaughter here when I considered doing without the forum. I joined three days after Billy left. It was a life preserver. Literally. And for me to get so depressed over leaving. I hated that. Why couldn't you live in Texas or Mississippi. Honestly, if you were close I don't know what I would do, blind leading the blind. I used to write about when I was growing up in another forum and people wanted me to keep on, to put them in book form, but I have lost a lot of my looking back, but still do it sometimes on here. Thus my word salads. One thing about it, it does not have to be read. Maybe that is why I write my diatribes. Billy used to love to read my "blog" but I would have his okay, but he never said not okay. I miss writing for him. He loved when I would write about him, like his first foray in a kayak in winter. It was his last too. I wrote about our travels and our mistakes. Now I write about him being gone. Well, we could all watch "Grace and Frankie" together beginning again on the 24th, I think. This show was the first thing to make me laugh after Billy left. I appreciate it. But remember, if you have any prudishness left in you, don't watch it. Then you can see what type of crazy things make me laugh. Laughing helps. This stupid new show "Trial & Error" is a mockumentary that had Bri and me wanting more. They give it in short stretches because it is so stupid you cannot stand too much at once, but looking forward to the next show. We are a strange family. Billy watched every episode of "Lost." I tried to follow along on Wikipedia and never understood it. Scott and Brianna both rewatch reruns of "My Name is Earl." I liked it once. My personality may not be for the most of you. I tease and say I am redneck, I might come across as crude sometimes, but that is just me and I don't want to change. I am not for everyone. That's okay. But, even with my use of words you are not comfortable with, just remember, my heart is with all of you for the losses as they were our life and this is just a continuation of our life. And they lived happily ever after was a fairy tale. We lied to our children. I used to believe in fairy tales.

Time to be honest. I could get by simply by "going away" but I want to discuss this. People on here that I genuinely care about. I can see how caring they are and worried about each other. Real people. I can be thin skinned or let things roll off like water off a duck's back. This week, in I guess an unguarded moment I thought about stepping back completely. The GriefShare group was not for me from day one. First, it was only women, and that made it seem like men were not invited, or it was not offered to them. I am an equal opportunity grief sharer and the men on this forum opening up with their grief gave me a chance to see how Billy would have felt too, but Billy did not "open up" to anyone but me, and unless someone invited him personally, he would not have been there. Next, GriefShare was so Southern Baptist, and I am Baptist, so no offence. But, the worse part of it was I was there to try to feel better and all grief was included. (As it should have been). I felt so much worse after each meeting though, I could not go back. I miss my best friend, my whole life for nearly 55 years, but the majority of those people were missing children. I cannot say all grief is the same. I went to the cancer survivors meetings once, and at that time I was just a maybe survivor, as were all the rest. I found out there were so many people that were so much braver than I was, I did not feel adequate to return. Just like the GriefShare. My uncle, former football coach, former principal for years and years, in his 80's now. Always keeps in the best shape. Lives close to hospital rehab/weight lifting/workout place and has had two strokes now, luckily (I guess) at hospital workout room. He is the patriarch of our family now. When my dad died, he took over doing things like my dad did, as the oldest. He took care of his mom, his sisters and my mom, and my sister, and now he is disturbed because he cannot remember seeing me at my mom's burial of her ashes next to my dad. Oh, if he only knew how much I have forgotten just from 30 minutes ago, days ago, months ago. His burial plot is next to mine and Billy's. He would not take no for an answer, so I guess that is settled. I grew up with an authoritarian father, uncle, grandfather, and a husband that wanted to be. Just old southern ways like "bless your heart, ain't, and ya'll" and always will be. But, walking away from this forum gave me anxiety that worried me. Have I become too dependent on it? Like transference to a psychiatrist, have I given all my thoughts to a blank "sheet" and that is my crutch for not having Billy. Gwen, I do so worry about you and your being so alone. Gin, Joyce, some others (annoying forgetfulness), you guys, I can feel your pain and wonder how Billy would have reacted. I know, if my dad had gone first, I am almost sure he would have found companionship. My mom, she had no use for a companion either male or female. Would Billy? Neither of us felt old. If he could have found a woman to listen to him talk about the different fly fishing techniques, he would have replaced me in a minute, I think. I don't have answers for the "being alone" that most feel. I try to get Billy to help me, but he won't. I don't want to lose my family, but sometimes I wish I could share the problems with those that feel so alone and have them share in my responsibilities that I should not even have to do, but I won't turn my back to them. Then I would really be alone and have to think. I don't want to think alone. And there is my problem and my answer. Word salad March 19, 2017, my sister's 66th birthday.

I cannot compare Gwen, I don't clean house, but never did. I just hope something helps you, you are on my mind heavy.

I'm hoping they can help. It really makes his girlfriend (been together nearly 10 years) put ear buds in her ears to drown out the noise. He is really loud.. I used to type the polysomnograms and they were so boring it was like watching paint dry. Can you imagine all these people who do all these jobs we just cannot understand anyone wanting to do, but where would we be without them. So glad it helped George. I am afraid he just might quit breathing with the sleep apnea and not wake up. So is his friend. He does quit breathing for seconds sometimes.

Gwen, I read the above but does this mean you have already had your colonoscopy? All I have are words and sometimes they make people angry. I hurt because you are hurting so hopelessly. I got out in Ferris Yaris this morning just to get away from the house and tomorrow is my sister's birthday so have to get her cards. She does not want any more "junky gifts" and I honestly do no know what to get her. So, I did like my mama used to do, I bought things she can "use." I got her a bottle of the new Dove foam bath soap. Dumb gift, but I'm at a dumb age. I talked to Billy a lot this morning on way to postoffice (remember to put your keys in your left pocket, don't leave them in car), and I could pray to Jesus but I would just wind up talking to Billy. Kelli is stuck in Kansas and cannot get back home. I begged her not to go.. Scott is on my living room sofa sleeping until first of month when he can rent a space for RV. "Please Billy, help those grown kids find a life, and please help me finish raising our granddaughter." She could not sleep the other night I was so sick. She was afraid I was going to die also (and I was kinda scared when the temp went up myself). My sister won't have a job after the school session is out and only gets paid when she works. So, what am I gonna do? I hugged her yesterday and could hear the sounds in her chest. But I am here worried about all those people so maybe I don't have time to worry about me. They cannot pay for the things I pay for, for them, so I am out that much money. But then, that is a whole nuther worry than you have. You really sometimes cannot compare oranges and apples. Gwen, you have my little mustard seed prayer and I will try to make it grow. Right now I'm waiting for Billy or Jesus to straighten things out with the rest of the family. I'm goiing to see "Beauty and the Beast" Tuesday. Did you know some idiot wrote in that the whole movie was a sin because beastiality was a sin in the Bible. This whole world is going to hell in a handbasket (and I need to look that one up). Now our old fairy tales are being torn apart too. Well, being Mary Sunshine today is not my best job. I am sorry, and Gwen, you are on my heart. You see, I know a lot about how you feel. I just have a bunch of disruptions that are good and bad. I honestly think I would like to climb up in my bed and for weeks just watch Netflix, Hulu (not sure how to do that one), and my granddaughter has not taught me how to use a lot of the stuff yet. I think I could find something and could go for days without talking or seeing people.........if they would let me. Again, I did not read how your medical tests went, if you don't mind sharing.

Will look for them on Amazon. (Billy's favorite place to shop). My granddaughter, son and daughter all have trouble with sleep. In fact, at 8:00 p.m. tonight, Scott goes into the VA Sleep Lab. His snoring has always been a foghorn type of snore. It actually comforted me when he was on the drugs for the hep-C, at least I knew he was alive, but the problems with sleep apnea need to be corrected or he might not wake up period. Going into the Navy Submarine program was the smartest thing he ever did. Interested to know how this comes out. He may be fitted with a C-PAP to help. Know he won't like that.

Butch, we have not forgot you or your family. Any progress makes us hopeful. I know Gracie is growing fast. Your family is in my prayers.

I have his ashes except for those that were put in pendants for his kids. When I go, the beautiful wood urn will be mixed with mine and placed in our family burial plot. While living, I can imagine it, but like your description, he was bigger than life and my head went to just under his arms outstretched. I am sorry for your loss of such a wonderful life with this man you loved. It is a hole in our heart that will never heal, but hopefully we will develop scar tissue that does not take anything away, but maybe numbs our hurting for a moment. The funeral home took his thumb print and put it on the back of our pendants and 17 months later, I still cannot wear mine. I hope one day to be able to do this.