Margm

I keep one by the computer. I have so many one words I stick down I don't remember what for. Thanks Gwen, I needed that. I joke around a lot, but this is no joking matter. I've got to where most times I just tell my kids I don't remember and I don't try to tax my brain to remember. Maybe I should. This is a real problem for me. This is not a joke. I might really try to joke a lot of times but this immediate amnesia scares me. I've just fired my family practice doctor and I really cannot take any medicine but the Xanax. I don't lean heavy on it, I never go over my 2 a day and the only time I will take one in the daytime is if I have to talk to people and it keeps my chin from quivering/shaking, which it will naturally do with my congenital tremor, but if I get excited I don't see how the temporomandibular joint hangs together. All I can call it is amnesia for something that happens in the last few hours. And if they say "Mama, you said it" then I cannot argue. I cannot say this is new, and I have always excused it as "grief fog" but just don't know how long it lasts. The first thing was buying the comforter and don't remember where or when. Still don't. I was fixing to go back to Walmart for the lost bag of groceries but Brianna made me look where I would naturally keep the stuff and it was there. That is why I cannot stop putting phone in right pocket, keys in left pocket, glasses on printer. Purse by computer. If I go off this schedule, I really panic. I've got some phone numbers to call tomorrow. If I have an appointment, I remember. I remember how to get places. I never have a fog about where I am going or how to get there. It is little things.

Did I say I got the DNA back. 70% redcoat, 13% Irish, I think 5% Iberian Peninsula, and a little Scandinavian. I have not a thing against English people, it was just the idea that my people came into this country and moved the natural inhabitants off their land. I don't have one whit of Native American. So, I'm guilty of taking the land away from the Native Americans. I am from the deep south and my family probably were the biggest slave owners in the south. Well, you don't get to choose your ancestors. I did pick cotton on my grandfather's farm once, I made a nickel and most of that was because I picked the bolls too. Maybe I get my gypsy blood from the Iberian Peninsula (which I am sad to say I did not know where it was located.) But this is "looking for the positives" and today I got groceries. I am more prone to go into panic mode when I cannot find things. One bag was missing. My granddaughter saw me running here and there searching, not in the car, not in the house. I got a flashlight and looked in places my old eyes don't see good in. So, the positive for today was: I had put things were they are supposed to go. They were not lost. Of course I have no memory of putting them there, but I actually did something right. Anytime you do that, it is supposed to be good, right? Worries the dickens out of me. I don't remember putting the things up. My memory does worry me sometimes. Even after this length of time, am I supposed to have amnesia of immediate memory?

I definitely am slipping. A subject I have not "word saladed" yet. I have already written my diatribe this morning so I won't go into my mindless philosophies. I am just (and I hate that word old, because I was not old until Billy left), but I am really just an ole southern, countrified, small town redneck that hurts. Sometimes I think it is unbearable hurting, but sometimes I pray for life so I can stay alive for my granddaughter. My family practice doctor suggested medical remedies for me and I guess I shook her to the core when I told her I just wanted to live long enough to see my granddaughter on her own two feet. She gave me antidepressants, that if she had read the side effects, could have killed me. I called and told them to cancel next appointment. I would not be back. Doctors will kill you sometimes if you let them. Anyhow AB3, and I know you have a name, you are in good company. This is grief 101. If there is such a class, you are in the right one. I think it is like that song "Hotel California" and the words are not correct, but what I remember is "you can check out anytime you want, but you can never leave." So, you have joined us at this hotel. And, I honestly have to get something done today, but I had much rather stay with you people who share my feelings rather than get on with life. I have a new vacuum cleaner and I hope I get it out of the box today. I have had it at least a week. We are not stingy on this forum. We share our grief with you. And, we are all hurting.

It has been said that time heals all wounds. I don't agree. The wounds remain. Time - the mind, protecting its sanity - covers them with some scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone. Rose Kennedy I repeat what Rose Kennedy said. She was 104 when she died. She had had nine children and I think five outlived her. I think one is still alive. Her daughter-in-law Jackie once told a priest (I think) that she did not think her MIL had good sense, she would rather hold /read her rosary than a book. I have two friends who have lost their husbands. I have many more than the two, but these two women, if I go to their house, they have their Bibles open, more than one Bible, but they are open at every place they sit. I envy these women their faith (that passes all understanding). I quit GriefShare because of the many lost children and I could not bear their grief. Now you Dave, Karen, and I think one more I cannot remember right now. Your losses are so tremendous it makes me feel two inches high. I have to climb up chair legs to sit down. My children's lives hang on by threads. My son was so into drugs and a mafia sort of group that he went to beat up a man to collect drug money. He got shot by the man and coded on the OR table and they had to take him back to stabilize him. The forest rangers found us in a secluded spot in the Gila National Forest, could not, would not tell us the emergency. I called my friends at my hospital where I worked, where he was, and they knew we were traveling at a great rate of speed to get home. Told me he was shot in the leg. He was. Now how bad could that be. I found out. I talked to one of his surgeons (also a close friend). A major artery and they wanted to remove his leg. He declined. Right now his 31 year old son, my only grandson, is lost somewhere, homeless in the wilds of California's drug forests. His little brain is fried. But you brave people that have lost your mates and a child, you make my grief, my crying sound like a sniffling baby. Now Dave, I add you to Karen, and the other people on here that have lost children and mates. I have no answers and I admire Rose Kennedy her faith. I admire my two friends their faith. And if there is an answer for me, it is to find that faith that I have lost. It is not for everyone, and obviously, since it is not providing me solace at this moment, I am still searching, I still have my mustard seed faith, you see. "Time, the mind protecting its sanity" is what I hang on. At one time I was fighting cancer, Billy was in ICU, I was working two jobs, and going to a shrink. I lost my mind. One night I was driving home from the hospital, from the ICU (my daughter, a nurse, wanted to stay with him, so did I). He told me to go home. Driving home a car came into my lane, headed directly for my headlights. I felt my body float to the top of the roof of the car, I was not in control, then all of a sudden I was driving again, the other car was gone, I was safe. Another time, I got lost on the way to the shrink's office. I lived here for gosh sake, how could I be lost? My mind left my body more than once. (And, at that time "Jesus Take the Wheel" had not been written). I tell this now because I understand what Rose said. "The mind protecting its sanity." I asked Linda, my long time psychiatrist what was wrong with me. The mind, protecting itself goes into something called "dissociation" and some of you may have already had that. You won't admit to it because it is just pure downright insane. Yes it is. But, it is your mind protecting itself. It happens. It happened to me more than once. I cannot make it happen since Billy left though. Not even in the moments after his death. I used to see people brought in by the police on my 11-7 shift at the hospital. Maybe full moons bring out the insane. One believed he was Jesus. My supervisor, her sister was in a nursing home, she thought she was Mary, Jesus's mother. She would write letters addressed "To the Whore of Babylon" and her sister would get her letter mailed to her house. Some came in thinking they were a king, or some other celebrity. I always felt sorry for them because their dose of reality was a drug that made them mindless and what was wrong with them thinking they were king, or even Jesus? Okay, my morning word salad. Dave, if I can get a prayer above the ceiling, you and all of us are getting one from me. I'm counting on my mustard seed.

There used to be people that would take limbs woven together and flog themselves as self punishment. My shrink told me I would not have been bold enough to go against what I believed in if it was not for the legal prescription black mollies. I know they sure made me friendly. I would like to think that was true. But instead, periodically I flog myself with the limbs just to punish myself. I talked to my pastor and told him I thought God gave me the cancer to punish me. He looked at me and said "God is not a punishing God" like that. Well, in my Missionary Baptist Church I was taught that I would be punished. I asked "the guy" didn't he feel guilty. He said "no, I confess my sins to the priest." I confessed mine to the shrink. And other times I would flog myself with the limbs (figuratively). I find myself sometimes still doing that. I still think Rose Kennedy, who had the experience, who toiled out a very long life knowing her husband was a philanderer, she lost one child after another to war, to assassination, had her daughter have an operation on her brain and institutionalized, because that is what her husband thought ought to be done. She did not know. Still she was a wife to him and had more children to die or be assassinated. Then her husband died. (She should have thought "thank you God" but I know she hurt just like the rest of us. And she told us that time does not heal wounds. The brain protects itself and builds up scar tissue on these wounds, on these hurts, and sometimes it gets knocked off and the hurt is as bad as ever, but again, scar tissue covers the wound. That is all we can do, like she did. We can allow scar tissue to build up over this wound, a wound that won't quit hurting, but possibly a wound that sometimes we might forget hurting for a few minutes, a few hours, a few days even sometimes and the guilt will go away also. In the meantime, if you have someone you have to take care of, someone you have to help, do that. It won't make the scar tissue hurt any less, but our mind might not be on that hurting wound constantly. I cannot give advice, I am probably the worse person in the world. The only 10 commandments I did not break was I have not killed anyone. But, I'm not through yet. I don't think I have wished for things my neighbor had that I didn't either.

Cookie, when Billy's dad had skin cancers, we talked to his doctor. His doctor assured us that those skin cancers were not going to kill Billy's dad. This was before the skin protections, only wearing a hat. He drove a tractor alongside the road, all day, every day. He was at the doctor all the time to have the skin cancers removed. Then one got inside his parotid gland and it was all over with. He was a tall skinny man like Billy. Billy took care of him the last months. When he bathed him, he could hear bones break. He carried him down to the squirrel woods (his favorite place to be), it was not squirrel season, the wildlife officer came by, it was right off the highway. He left him alone. I don't know if he killed a squirrel, but it was his favorite place and Billy carried him. Yes, the skin cancers did kill him. Dangers of his occupation, dangers of the time we lived in. And the poor doctor, no skin cancers are not supposed to kill a person, but even skin cancers can do that. We had one removed from Billy's back, one that had been there forever it seemed. He got all borders he said. (the doc). But, could that have been the start of Billy's cancer? Cannot know.

When I cleaned out Billy's cabinets under his bookshelf I found all the films he had made. I put them in a bag (like you buy at grocery stores, mostly Sam's) that is for cold or hot food. It is a very pretty bag. It is up at the top of the closet/pantry off the kitchen. I will have them put on CD's (or whatever mode the world is using) one day, or at least they are there for the kids to have put on something. I cannot do it now. I put the movie camera with them. Maybe if I live long enough.

Ana, my heart is with you. I have tried not to focus and have been some successful. I will tell you something the others and you too will probably think is funny. My daughter did. In the group GriefShare a mother had lost her son. My friend who brought me to the meetings told me to go back through the obits to find this woman's son. I have not read the obits since Billy left. In going back through them I saw the picture of the girl he had cared for before he and I started going together. He and I were kids, but he had gone with her for a long time. I think she broke up with him. So damn, he has three old girlfriends that have passed on. I guess he is not lonesome. And, I say this in jest. Mostly.

I just hope this is safe for her and makes her happy cause goodness knows, I cannot remember the last time she was happy. (Me either). I hope your daughter gets in touch with you soon.

I don't know why, but a lot of my stuff is going to spam. I don't know how to change it except go into it and change it into my inbox. I think because we lost them we can think of so many things we should have done, but I have let that beat me to death for so long, I am trying to change. Sometimes it comes out. My daughter could tell I had been crying and asked why. I told her about getting angry at Daddy for giving up and she said Daddy never would have faulted me. And he wouldn't. But I would and do. Sometimes I can get rid of it. People who have lost their mate through mismanagement of their care have a right to have that mismanagement brought to justice.. Like a murderer, I don't think I am a good enough person that I would not want that person to pay and pay and pay. Not money. I would want that person to suffer for killing my loved one, but some people do not get that justice. Some people forgive. I am a mean person.

Yes he did and I think his mom and whole family died of pancreatic cancer. Jimmy Carter is in his 90's and has beat cancer again. Yes, USA kept him one term. I think he was either too good a man, was not a hawk, or either he should not have looked lustfully at a woman. Really though, as far as being a good man, as far as we know he was about the nicest. I think he still works for habitat for humanity building homes everywhere (if he is still able).

For you and many like you Autumn, investigations need to be done. My letter to the ER has not been written yet. I sometimes think "what's the use?" But, I retired from this hospital and they did save my life, but not through the ER. I would have died too if Billy had not called an ambulance. In thinking back, that is what I should have done, but he could walk to the car, both kids were there to help, and when I went I was comatose. But, if I had helped him live longer, would I have put him in the position of his dad and my dad. In my case, I cannot look back. In many cases, the ER's, doctors, nurses, and others need brought to task. I see your point and the others. I just cannot help anyone unless it is the wait in the ER. Honestly, the fight went out of me when he left, but this is people I knew and worked with. I should bring them to task, even though it won't help Billy, it might help someone.

I know you have no reason to remember this. But, we (USA) had a President Carter. A very good man, ole peanut farmer, Southern Baptist. He made the mistake of saying he had looked at women and lusted, which was a sin. Well, it was a sin with God, but with Rosalind, his wife, it was an admission of bad conduct that made Clinton's admission of "not inhaling" weed look like "Mary, Mary quite contrary, how does your garden grow." I'll bet Rosalind gave him a tongue lashing that no Southern Baptist Minister had ever even thought of. Like I said, we weren't perfect, but we were perfect for each other" and that was what mattered. Billy forgave me, I forgave him, and trust was more embedded in the later years than it was in the beginning. We finally grew up.

My Billy was riding the elliptical for 30 minutes before August 31st. Have you ever tried to ride an elliptical? One time I worked up to 30 minutes but it took me listening to a whole album of Journey and knowing each song was 4 or 5 more minutes and saying "I can do this." (and also working up to 30 minutes). Now, I could not ride one five minutes. August 31st we found out about the brain aneurysm while having scans of his back, which we had gone to a spine specialist for that. They told us about the brain aneurysm. Also said they thought it was old. Nothing other than back trouble to clue us in. He did have frozen shoulders two years ago and went through therapy, and he broke through that in record time. Always his herniated disks. We knew about them in his late 30's but the surgery back then was so radical and he did not want to be in a wheelchair. Always his back. In his 30's we would be walking our 3 miles and one leg would give out from the nerves pinching on the disks. August 31st, neurosurgeon. The news was actually good. They could take care of it. Best neurosurgeon in Little Rock, but it happened to be at the state hospital. I retired from state hospital in Louisiana. Good hospitals, but............ We were uplifted some and ate at Outback. That night and morning he went through terrible stomach pains. Went to the ER and came out with hydrocodone. That night I gave him enough hydrocodone to kill him. I gave him 6-7 over the night period. It did not touch the pain. The cancer, we knew nothing about had obstructed his mesenteric arteries. They scheduled a liver biopsy with this man that took pain like it was nothing, after the liver biopsy and the pain medicine they let me in the room with him screaming for someone to please just shoot him, please help him, he was grabbing onto me screaming in pain. The narcotic finally took hold. I can only consider they let a first year resident do the biopsies because the pain is supposed to be bad, but nothing like this. When they put a stent in the mesenteric artery, the doctor told me at most he had six months. His body was riddled with cancer, all over his body, in his bones, and yes, i believe in his brain as well. How could we have missed this? I am a medical transcriptionist, not a doctor. (But, in looking back, Billy's skin was sagging, why didn't I see that? To a trained eye it is called skin wasting, a sign of something bad) I see words, not organs, blood, and guts. I have seen scans, CAT scans, MRI's and PET scans. I knew how to read an EEG and an EKG, but I mostly knew words. I picked up a skipped beat on Billy's blood pressure (yes, I knew how to do this) and had him at our clinic immediately, they sent him to a cardiologist and we followed up, nothing really unusual, he was okay. He went to his nephrologist twice a year (he had kidney stents in two arteries, he had three arteries, an anomaly, or he would probably have died from hypertensive crisis/stroke, but this was in his 40's and he still saw a nephrologist twice a year. He was interested in his kidney functions, I know he did not read his liver functions or we would have caught this lots sooner. Yes, I am angry, but knowing this doctor like I do (I used to have him cry dictating a death summary on an elderly woman), I know he missed Billy's LFT's and I know he knew it. He never sent a bill. But, if the primary was liver, the results would have been the same, so why am I going to call this doctor who by not sending a bill, admitted his shortcoming, but still could not bring Billy back. He was a nephrologist, he was only interested in his kidney function. On Billy's death certificate it is called CA Colon. He had one colon polyp. What am I going to do? Do I go back and make them read for a primary? He underwent three grueling days of colon prep for the colon biopsy. They dropped a tube down his nose to drain off cannisters of stomach fluid.. He was a tall skinny man who had so many IV's his weight was well over 200 pounds when we got him first home from the hospital. He had home physical therapy and a home nurse twice a week. From the time we learned he had cancer it took him five weeks to die. There is that word, yes he died. And my only saving grace is that he did not have to go through what his dad and my dad went through. I know some of you want to know the cause of death. I know the ER was very negligent in not getting Billy back to a room. I was popping him his pain pills (at their okay) and one time I went up and told them he was comatose. We got to the ER in sunlight.. He got to a room at 4:30 a.m. They were giving him ice cold fluids. I was covering him up and holding him and his hyperventilating I could calmly bring down. I was loving toward him because I was him and he was me. But, I turned on him in anger when it looked like he was giving up.. My head was on his bed when I looked up at 7:30 a.m. and saw his death mask. He was not hurting when we put him to bed. He was not in pain. And his death certificate says CA of colon. Nah, I don't think so. I don't want to even see his death certificates but I have more business to attend to so I have got to find that huge folder I have hidden from myself, not meaning to hide it, but have no memory at all of where I put it. I have to find it. Another book written. I am sorry, some of you have to know the reasons. There may also be medical neglect in a lot of cases and you have to find out. I can understand your wanting to find out the reasons. I understand. And you understand also why, this is the last I write about this. I cannot bring him back.

Brad, it is just 16 months today. I hate dates. I had my head laying on his bed but I was as far away from him as life is from death and when I think of that loving man, the one who loved for me to hold him, and I did let him down, the very last seconds of his life. I cannot understand anyone wanting to know how someone they loved died. I don't know if the aneurysm burst, his heart gave out, or what happened, all I know is he is gone. Just like all the ones we loved. They are gone. They are not a dream we had, they are people who lay beside us on the bed. Every morning I get up the first thing that enters my mind is, where is he, and all of a sudden I know "you fool, he is not here." This morning I even thought of my mama, and I am an old woman thinking about my mama. Now, I have to quit crying and help prepare a day for my granddaughter to wake up to with her only grandparent left and her Mama moved to Kansas. I have to live. And Billy, I am doing exactly what you would be doing. The one left must stay. Thanks Brad. I don't know what Billy's thoughts were, but he forgave me everything, so I know he forgave me. My daughter moved out of state alone, she is not well physically and mentally, and I don't know why, but it is hitting me hard today. She is so alone, but had to get away from a disastrous nightmare here at home. We all have our story, don't we? My daughter will come back home eventually. And not to go into too much more, my granddaughter is happy. She has a counselor that helps her. She goes to school happy, she comes home happy, and that is what I am here for. She also was Billy's life.

You all know he reached for me to show he had to give up and I turned my back in anger on him for giving up. I thought it would make him not give up.. When the time comes you don't know what you will do. My dream was to hold him. My nightmare was to turn my back on him. When they are gone they are gone and we can only hope they understood, I hope he understood that I was not going to let him give up.................then, it was not my choice, nor his. And it is the most horrible thought to have to think of so I try not to do it.. You see, if I think about it all the time I will start substituting the word grief with guilt again. We try not to think about it. We try not to think about it, we try not to think about it because it will drive us crazy. He is gone, he is not with me, he is not hurting and I failed him. No.............I don't want to think about it.

Kay, they could have no better "teacher" than you. We all know I am a bit off center. Things that work for other people do not work for me, they seem to make me worse. You are working with women who need you, and again, they could have no better program director than you.

George, I always think of you as one of the most insightful people that tries to help all of us. I cannot dismiss dates, but for some reason, numbers have always been something I hated. I am not a mathematician, or even someone that remembers dates very much. I already gave Billy two more months, I said it was 18 months when it is only 16. One good thing, we never celebrated dates too much. We gave the kids birthday parties, but for each other it was hit or miss those first few years and the last years he became very concerned with remembering dates.. I had at first in our marriage, but there were so many years together, I finally just gave up on reminding him and decided they were really not that important. Other people made big celebrations for specific dates. We are just so all different, yet all the same. Yet my is with you on this important date for you and yours. I wish we could celebrate with them again.

Thank you Marty. I know you remember that old saying about "point your finger at her and she will cry," well I am at the finger pointing phase. I know she is safe, so that is part of it, relief. But she is still in a strange place. This is not the "Wizard of Oz" and she is not going to find the Emerald City. Although, maybe she will. Maybe she will finally find what she is looking for, but at least she left her biggest problem behind her. Maybe after nearly 10 years she can find relief. She is a nurse who has not renewed her license for years, but is signed up for a phlebotomy course and will possibly get off disability. So maybe this is "Oz." Her's anyhow.

Well Marie, my daughter's Penske moving truck was stuck in Dallas for three hours or more waiting for a tire to be changed. I have been crying all morning. She made it to Arkansas City, Kansas, a place she has never lived. I do not know if I am crying because Billy is not here worrying with me or if I'm crying because my kids will always worry me, and I want to keep them always worrying me, I don't want to lose either one. But this move was so senseless, she knows no one, she just up and moves ever so often. That is one reason my granddaughter stays with me, to be in one place awhile. But the tears, not real common to this degree, they just won't stop. She is safe, so maybe they are tears of relief.................I don't know anything.

Marie Lee, I don't keep many family secrets. Honestly, every closet has skeletons. I don't know why both my kids were born with the bipolar illness. I once had my daughter talking to a psychiatrist and used my name as the doctor that had told her what was wrong with her. The psychiatrist told her he did not recognize my name and she told him I was a medical transcriptionist over 40 years and I thought I was a doctor. The psychiatrist told her he would not dispute me after that length of time. That is one reason I went into therapy for so long. I felt responsible for them both being bipolar. Found out I was just a dull chronic depressive. Learned my husband was severely obsessive compulsive, but the bipolar we think came from my father. Just let it be said, we had many duplicate colors in our Crayola box and also we were missing some of the primary colors. Come to find out we were a very interesting family. My neighbor was married over 50 years. She said she and her husband were never disloyal to each other. I applaud her. Like I have said, our marriage was rocky for a long time, but the last 20-34 years were perfect, until he was gone, and if I could, I would suffer through the first 20 all over again if I could just have him back. And, we would probably repeat the same mistakes. He was my best friend and i would not trade that for 100 perfect years. Subject: Grief, and we all share that.

Well Dave (I'm gonna try to keep my wordiness down a little), finding a psychiatrist has been a problem with me. I had one back in the 1970's for a long time but she retired. I need one I can talk to more than one who will give me antidepressants. (I've had my share of them and my injured "innards" won't take just anything). Even my family practice doc gave me antidepressants with me saying no. My diagnosis is chronic depression anyhow, and antidepressants did help me in the past, but cannot be taken any more, life or death situation. Again, I want to find one that has some experience with the grief situation itself, not just book "learning." I tried the GriefShare group and while it is a wonderful faith based group, it seems like going to AA (in my estimation), although I think you have a sponsor to talk to in AA. (I cannot drink either). But, I came away from the meetings sadder than I went into them. But see, you are trying to help yourself, and to me, well that shows you are doing exactly what "oldmisfit" Darrel was saying to do in the first place. One foot in front of the other. (And using good etiquette, he did start this subject).

Dr. Lenera, what is your specialty? The reason I want to know is sometimes after losing a person we might speak unkindly of doctors. My mother's hospice nurse gave me a book that said it is most common to blame God after a death. I find that I get angry at the entity I presume to be God. And as far as hurting our feelings, well, unless you brought down a hard argument against or for something, I don't think our feelings would be hurt. If you have read my word salads (and yes, I know that is a psychiatric term), then you know I am all over the place. As far as owning a subject, even if we start it, there will be something said that one of us will go down another path and the one after them will go down another. There is a posting subject about "whose forum is this anyway" and this subject has come up. I honestly do think sometimes people might be offended for someone using their subject to go down all the different paths we go down. But like gossip, something that is told to one person by the time it has been told to 100 people, it is completely different than the first subject. That is why I made the post "if you're going through hell" and I cannot remember if I put "your or your're" but I am not an English major so you will get a lot of southern redneck backwoods colloquialisms from me. I think the rules are not to argue religion, which we even slip that in sometimes but we don't get weird with it. I don't think we talk politics. I am so stupid that I learned today that POTUS meant President of the United States. I voted for Nixon years ago, so I am not the brightest light for politics. We don't worry about that though. Sometimes we do worry about religion almost to the point of Marty maybe having to intervene, but I cannot remember much about that one. I think the fellow that started the post and we all got off of it, somehow, I think he is still reading it. And, that is okay. Say what you want to say. If we don't like it, we will ignore it. But as much as I am ignored, I am also helped, These people saved my life. And I needed my life saved to help my granddaughter that I had not even considered when I wanted to join Billy. He had already told me "the one left must stay" and I guess he knew what I would want to do. Look ya'll, I'm sorry. I get wordy and lots of times I just repeat myself. This forum saved my life, literally, so that I could still be with my family. I am needed, but at the time all I needed was to go to Billy. I had a supervisor that I would write three paragraphs asking a question and she would answer me back in less than six words that made more sense than my diatribe. We are here to help each other. Sometimes we might not use proper etiquette, but please forgive that and pick and choose what helps you. Not the subject of the post, but the person you most identify with, the person that might feel like they are helping you. And they have all helped me at some time or the other. Maybe it is like being hungry, you are starving to death and the food is something you would not normally eat, but to stay alive, you will eat it anyhow. To stay alive, I will take all the help I can get. And as an addendum, where is Patty, Steven, and I'm missing someone else or two. I think some of you now just read more than you talk, or maybe you just think you can't top me in number of words used. I'm missing some people. Bill, your here somewhere. Brad is occasionally. My mind loses names, I'm sorry.

For one thing a group is not there for you 24/7, this forum is. I fought with myself about going back to GriefShare. I still get the little "talks" each night on my email and I save them. I will read them. I don't know what to say to my cousin who just lost her husband, but I feel led to go see her. She and her husband were both my cousins, on different sides of the family. Like my grandmother getting married at 15, so did my cousin and her husband was 15 years older. What kind of wisdom can I tell her? The path stays rocky but the hills keep getting smaller? She has been in a wheelchair for nearly 10 years. She is a year older than me. Norma, my neighbor, is in heart rehab. I watch the world go by my front window when I am on the computer. They had to put Norma's Alzheimer's father in the VA Home. Her sister just lost her husband. Just got Norma's husband out of the hospital with blood clots. Poor little Norma, she was always carrying in groceries, taking a big wash to the washateria, constantly in motion, until her heart attack. Her husband is a big man, big boned, not really fat. Someone was heard to mention that now he would have to help. I miss Billy's help. He shared in all housekeeping. I am a terrible housekeeper. We would get it clean and I will forever hear him say "Now lets keep it this way." We wouldn't. I was going back to GriefShare but the leader called me and perhaps I heard her wrong (nah, I am pretty perceptive), but I got a sanctimonious pitch to her speech to me. Maybe I have been a Baptist too long. And Kay, you and my best friends are Baptists too, (and I guess so am I, but I want to change), so I am sorry to step on toes. I walked out of night service one time when the youth minister was speaking. He was probably about 30 at the time and I did not know of his relationship with my underage daughter at the time. But, he was talking about the Mormons and the Jews not going to Heaven. I know, I know, going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than sitting in a garage makes you an automobile. I was very irreverent sitting in the inside of a bench of people and taking my purse and walking out the door in the middle of his sermon. I did not go back. He is no longer a preacher/pastor/leader of men, or little girls.

Gin, he left somewhere around 7:30 a.m. on October 17, 2015. So, in three days it will be 16 months. Damn, I'm not as far along as I thought. Well, I hate counting the time and I am not gonna think about that cause we have NCIS, NCIS-NO, and Chicago Fire on tonight, then bed. I think I might have said 18 months in one of my diatribes up above. I'll worry about that tomorrow. Gonna watch some TV now. Took my granddaughter to doctor this morning. She has hypothyroidism and sometimes it makes her periods not right on time and she has backaches and headaches that Mamol is supposed to know how to fix. They were all gone by the time we got to the door and she almost made me break the appointment. I wanted to talk this out with her doc though so that I will feel better about it. And, my giving her Tylenol is okay when this happens, and it is normal. But, my daughter is moving to Kansas (to find the Wizard of Oz, I think), and I needed to make sure she had a year's supply of her thyroid medicine at Walgreens. Her levels were just drawn and lab work is okay. It's hard being a mama sometimes at my age. She's a sweet, beautiful little girl that is about 5 or 6 inches taller than her Mamol.