Margm

Martha Jane, I have not read anything above where you wrote and the things I do are not for everyone. Like his clothes, instead of getting rid of all his, I got rid of all mine, did not get anything elaborate, just comfortable, was not going for looks, I usually sleep in what I wear the next day, Tee shirts and pants that are loose, do not wrinkle, have pockets and stretch waist. Keep phone in right pocket, deep pockets (kids call it the grand canyon) and my keys in my left pocket. At night I put them on side table, next morning put them in pockets first thing. Keep my glasses on the printer. I do not change places or I will panic. When I came home to that house that he filled with just his presence and even though I had family off and on/mostly on, all the time. That house echoed him. The big window where we fed the birds (and squirrels), occasional chipmunks, and the hawks, well, I took my red broom and went yelling down the hill to run off all the hawks. One time one grabbed a bird off the feeder, hit the window, stunned it and it lay there and never let go the bird and flew off. I stopped feeding them for awhile after that. But, Billy was on my right side when I was on the computer and his presence was not there. It was not in the bed, even though the large king bed, I could reach over and feel he was there. I kept trying to do that and told myself "no, your gone and never coming back." My friend who had lost her husband a few months before told me never to do that again. To reach over, as if he was still there, and tell him that he would always be beside me no matter if his body was not. It took a few months, even after I moved, to quit reaching for him, and woke myself up the other night calling Billy. He did not answer. I left that house as fast as I could. I gave things away, all they had to do was come pick them up, and I have not been back at that house in about a year. Some people wanted to lease it to buy and signed papers for three years saying they will do all repairs, etc. So far they have been good for it and the house note is paid on the first of every month. FHA rules or something, they will be able to buy it in three years. I did not want anything for it but to get out of it. Billy would never live in an apartment. The house was situated in a paradise, probably the safest place in Arkansas, circle drive, deputy lived at beginning of street. I changed dishes, I had already changed trucks with my son so he could live in the RV. Finally traded the long bed truck for a short tail little clown car, Ferris Beuller Yaris Toyota. I came back to our old home town where we grew up,graduated, married, kids born, they graduated, and we worked 80 years between us. He is not here either. I cannot even feel the essence of him or our life together, but I still like it better than where he left me. I have family and friends all around me and they want me to go out and I have gone some but I keep my teenage granddaughter right now and until she gets through with all her schooling, as long as I live, I am right here. I used to talk to him constantly. I still talk to him but not nearly as much. I talk to him at night, I say my prayers and talk to Jesus until he hands the phone to Billy and then I talk to him. Okay, another word salad. In three days it will be 18 months. I look at Heaven and fuss at him ever so often. I have to go about 15-20 miles up the road and visit a cousin of mine who lost her husband in the last two weeks. She is in a wheelchair and having a rough time. This is not an easy path we are on and it does not get any smoother, and I still cry, lots of times, but I'm not climbing as many hills as I first was climbing. As soon as I get my Mama's final affairs taken care of, maybe the path will be smoother. It's not easy, none of it, but like I repeat over and over, Rose Kennedy said time did not heal the wounds but we develop scar tissue. The wounds still hurt.

Gwen, you know I am not for or against medications (except I cannot take some because of my "innards."). I found when I was on some antidepressants I could not cry. Of course, I have not/cannot be on any right now or since Billy left. And I hope you get to feeling better soon.

I think any section is a place to pronounce our grief. None of us own sections. Etiquette might say to do something else, but etiquette and me don't read the same books. (or is that I?) Anyhow, I don't even know what this section is, but my friend Karen wrote on it, so I will answer. Not gonna get ourselves in knots over the minor things. Plenty of other things to think about. You handle yourself very well Karen, I admire you. Addendum: Okay, that book I wrote below was not enough, gotta write more. Went back and read some posts. This grandson staying with your son, is this the son that was hurt and in the hospital or am I getting this mixed up? If it was, maybe he is helping take care of him.

Karen, this is how big a coward I am. I quit going to GriefShare because it was mostly about lost adult children. I could not do it and you have my heart. I am so sorry. It is something no parent should have to go through and my kids both will be on the road a thousand miles from home soon and I will have my granddaughter. My sister is here out in the country also. The grown kids are the ones who made Billy and me stay in one place, no traveling, so now they do what we couldn't do.

Last Valentine's day I bought Billy a Valentine, a soul felt love Valentine and where it had present tense I marked through and put past tense. I sat it beside his urn. I reread it the other day. I won't do that this year, but I will still sign his name on the two for the kids, the one for my sister, and the one for my granddaughter.. My granddaughter and I will eat at Olive Garden's after her going to the counselor in the "big city." They fix me a salad there. They fix me bread cubes with the dressing on top. Last time we went the girl remembered us and brought me the bread cubes without me asking. Billy and I never "celebrated" dates, but we always bought cards. I am looking out my window at a gray sky, it is raining off and on but strangely, I am not depressed any more than my usual. I hope you all have a tolerable Valentine's day.

It is nice to see you and your family Kevin. Like with Butch's Gracie, we get to know you better. Beautiful girls. Know how proud you are of them. Keep them coming. Off subject, another we got to see pictures of, where is Patty? Straight A student. That happens with my granddaughter's family, my family was always happy if we passed. Other than my sister, we just stumbled through school, getting it over with and left the straight A's up to my sister. You all look wonderful.

Truer words were never spoken. We are all so sick of "it" and "it" is something most of us have never had to put up with before. Grief is a full time job and I am so glad I am retired from my transcription job. Would it give me something else to think about? I think it would be more of an aggravation and something more to pay taxes on. So dear Kay, you are so right, we are all sick of "it."

Got to give it up to all of you for trying to help yourselves during this time. We do what we can and we do what we have to do. And, if you think there is no one to care for you, just count the pictures on this forum. We love you all. And, what would I have done, what would any of us have done without all of you.

Bible speak here: Matthew 17:20: NIV: He replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Not supposed to talk religion, and lots don't believe and that is all their business. I have a necklace, a little metal rectangle with a mustard seed in it. You see, that is what I mean when I try to find my faith and it being so small. It is not for everybody. It is for me. Thanks for thinking about me Gin, this was such a compliment.

I have to go back to my "faith the size of a mustard seed" feeling. It would be arguing religion and I am not sure I could do that even if it was allowed. As a grown up/second childhood maybe, I don't want to question things any more than I already do.

We all miss Robin Williams, but from what was wrong with him, if the reporting was true, he had physical pain also. We know he had emotional pain so maybe with both kinds of pain it was just too much for him. My dad was going through the radiation to eradicate any hormones that might feed his prostate cancer. They made friends with a young woman who was undergoing radiation for cancer. Then they missed her and someone said she had committed suicide. My deacon daddy got very angry. He said here we are undergoing inhuman treatments to try to live and she just gave up and did not fight. But, we cannot fathom the depths of despair that some people go through. We know our depths, we know how deep in that hole we dig for ourselves, but we cannot judge someone else. I was going to follow Billy. In those first hours after his death I looked forward to being with him. But then reality hit and I did not know if by killing myself I would be with him. None of us knows these things. In my case though, I was needed to stay. Billy said the one left must stay. I am until I am not. (I sure am talkative this week-end) Sometimes I remind myself of that William Shakespeare Macbeth quote: "a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,signifying nothing."

And Darrel, from the looks of things, I have hogged your post. You are welcome to use any I start, I don't mind, the forum belongs to all of us, even if some of us (me) use bad etiquette. Just consider the source..........I won't say "old" but I am a terribly countrified redheaded redneck. Actually hair and neck are both white now.

Not really regular grass like St. Augustine (I probably spelled that wrong), but the natural grasses that the seeds are blown from the farms that grow hay, sometimes we have a lot of that around. Billy would never have been convinced it needed mowing, but obviously the owners/managers of this apartment complex felt it needed it. Looks like we have rain coming today so it must mean it is gonna get cooler. Snow is so rare that we have pictures on Facebook of this day back maybe seven years ago. This has been a warm winter. So far. Maybe we have not reached the cold weather yet. Billy and I took off on vacation one beautiful May day years ago into Colorado and ran into a snow storm up there. Daffodils and dogwoods were blooming back here.

Kevin, that was Billy's biggest thing to hate about a house, mowing grass. I was talking to Amazon yesterday morning and could not hear anything for the lawnmowers and those blowing machines. This time of year it is more brown than green, but this false spring has put up patches of clover. I think you could find a golf course all year round down here. It might occasionally happen on a cold winter. Up the road in Arkansas where I lived, just 175 miles away, it was winter sometimes at Thanksgiving. Living in the mountains it frosted once on October 7th. This weather is very strange. Mostly what we have to watch out for is excess water.

Honestly, Darrel, I think you might have had a bad day. Yes, every day is a bad day. Sometimes though the sun does come out. It does not always make us happy, but it makes us able to see better. I don't think any of us put blame on others. Good Gosh, we have enough worries that worrying about putting the blame on someone falls right there around our ankles. I think one of our members mentioned that his wife did not like the word "ain't" and really, we are taught never to say it, but it is not really a politically incorrect word.. Where I come from, I might say it a lot (did you know alot is not a word?), so our speech patterns come from all over the country. Billy used to laugh at mine. If I referred to the little ants, they were always "aints".. Leg was laig, egg was eaig. You get on here and you say what you want to, tell us how you are feeling. I guarantee you, someone else is feeling the same way or worse. (worser). I do not know about the etiquette of writing on a post someone else has started. I guess it is poor etiquette. In my house I have a set of silverware and plates but we like those big plastic spoons, paper plates (the good kind) and the big red Solo cups (although I shake, so I use a sipee cup for adults). One thing I have learned about this group, do not be embarrassed, do not choose your words delicately, do not worry about what you say unless you openly bully someone, because we are all just trying to get through hard times. "Polluting this group with your presence" is really wrong. Your presence is welcome, and as far as etiquette goes, you are welcome to write on anything I start a topic on, "Going through hell" is what we are all doing so that covers a whole lot of land. Don't worry about polluting or improper places to land, you are welcome and appreciated everywhere. We are from all directions. I miss our people from South Africa. I think we have a few from the UK and one from Spain. Grief is the same in any nationality or section of the country.

I remember Happy Days. I remember all the characters. I don't remember episodes. I have seen other shows though where saying they were wrong is something hard for people. I always hated for Billy to be wrong about anything because it made him so disgruntled to be wrong. It never made me feel good for him to be wrong. Like asking directions, that man would not ask. (He did let me ask). We traveled with maps, not GPS. He would tickle me, he would say "I am not lost, I just don't know where I am at this point in time." And as for weather, we have had record highs. I notice the next few days will be cold, although still not to freezing. I think a few days we were in the 80s. Global warming? I don't know, I think Florida's temperatures have shifted over to Louisiana.

Ohhhhh, blank sheet of paper. Kay, honestly, why would we get our feelings hurt? There are plenty of people to go around to answer questions. I am kinda like that cow that straddles the fence on everything. I have read most of these posts and I know sometimes we get so far down in the dumps we cannot be pulled out, but the next day, maybe we can put that one foot in front of the other. We have so much stuff to think about, give us a foothold and we will pull ourselves out. All of us. ALL OF US.

But I am not apologizing for anything ya'll. I think the only thing I do to offend is write diatribes and family histories, but I think you all forgive me and mark it off to my being a good ole southern redneck. One thing about it, you can always skip over things. I have got to where I repeat myself. My grandmother did that as she got older and her two daughters would say "Mama, you just said that." Never bothered my grandmother, she'd say it again 15 seconds later. I think I have hit that stage too. Anyhow, I'm not apologizing for anything even though it looks like I am. Honestly, I have become a nice old lady, I just wish Billy was around to see that. I think he knew. (I think we had that talk from Marty awhile back that none of this is "our" personal page, that we are allowed to go off on a tangent anywhere and all you have to do is put a blank piece of paper in front of me, where ever I am, and I'm gone. We are not known for good manners all the time.

I am not studied on this, but I think there might be a state you can go in to be allowed to die if you have a terminal illness. I am spouting this off my head folks, so this is not a studied or intelligent answer. I know we had Dr. Kevorkian that tried to make it legal, I think. I'm sorry folks, my memory will not allow me to know unless I google it and I am not going to google it. I know I sat beside my dad that had prostate cancer and was hurting so bad the pain medicine would not touch the pain. I used to know what they called the breathing between the doses of morphine and seems like it is Cheyne-Stokes breathing. I sat and Daddy would take a deep breath (comatose), and then it would be forever before he would breath again. You knew he was terminal, he was already gone, but there was still breath. Each time you begged him not to breath anymore, but then he would again. The thing is you cannot give them any more morphine than you give them, it will kill them. Mama said she wished they would make heroin legal for dying patients so they would die happy. I was not there when he breathed his last. Billy could not walk but he was high up on the marijuana and bless his heart he stood up and ran to me with both kids on each side of him to catch him. He just fell all around me, but he was high, he was happy. We allow our pets more humanity than our humans. And those are just my thoughts, hope no one takes offence either. I am typing this and my 46-year-old cousin (my first cousin's daughter) died about four hours ago of brain cancer she had fought for 14 years. My cousin, her father (who was like my brother) passed away six years ago. She had taken time out from treatments to have a baby. She has a 9-year-old little girl. She suffered a bunch of years, she was one brave little girl (she was a little girl to me).

I wasn't going to exist without him. I had my plan. I am old. I even figured my folks left behind could miss me and Billy all at once and "get it over with." Did not think of any of the bills, insurance, what if's, it just was a done deal. I would go so far out in the woods no one would find me till deer season, but then something hit me, I don't understand enough about religion to know if I'd follow him or not. I should understand, as many years as I was in the church I should have a PhD in it. Doubt came to my mind. Three days after his death (there, I said the word), I found this forum. It literally saved my life. but I found a relief in losing my breath in crying, it would be so easy to just quit, not exactly a suicide, it could be accidental. I screamed into pillows twice. Damn, that hurt my head. I don't like to physically hurt, my heart split in thousands of pieces was pain enough. Since then I have read articles and books of widowers or widows. None brought Billy back, but knowing how others felt, their feelings being the same or near enough to mine helped in a very tiny small way. They were still living years after their spouse's death did not actually give me hope, but existing was necessary, until it wasn't. I hear movement in my apartment and Billy naturally comes to mind, but when that happens I think you stupid witch, he's gone. I don't dwell on it. It just happens ever so often. We were married 54 years yet we never came into the bathroom (my rule) when the other was in there. It was okay with Billy, but I only did it if we had one bathroom and I had to have something. What was weird was waking up every morning and walking into the bathroom and seeing his skinny long white legs sitting there. He was not there, but I envisioned I saw him, for just an instant. I don't do that any more. We have such strange phenomenons happen to us, but one thing we have to do, we have to keep going, till we cannot.

There is no way we could be here without your wisdom. You have made me spoiled to accept wisdom of others. What can I say, your the best. (And, I guess it shows I do not run around and read post titles or I would have seen this yesterday.) I'm sorry.

(Just got off the phone with my sister, who called me and asked how I was doing. When I said I was having a bit of a hard time because all of a sudden I'm wondering what happened to my husband, she proceeded to reprimand me, saying "why are you doing this to yourself" and you're just torturing yourself.") Cookie, I am transferring this to the "if your going through hell" post. Actually, I guess it covers what we are all going through. My sister has said some things that sounded harsh to me. I am nearly nine years older than her. I was her babysitter. She was my baby for so long. She could be a holy terror sometimes too. But through it all, she did not like for her big sister to fuss at her. One time after she got grown, I fussed at her, don't even remember what about, but she cried. I said I would never do that again. As sisters we love each other very much. She had the total care of our mother through Alzheimer's.. I know this is terrible, but I am so happy my sister is free now. One of her majors was a lot of philosophy and she also worked for about 22 years in child protection. She speaks sometimes like a textbook and not a human being. She does not mean to do that. She is a loving person who teaches college students writing, literature, and a lot about living. She is not well. Cigarettes have taken their toll on her health. Your sister loves you and maybe the words she said were voiced wrong, but it is because she loves you, she does not want you to hurt and she knows you hurt and it is a kind of hurt she cannot help you with. My sister feels the same way. But, her trying to understand, my trying to help her, we have become a lot closer than ever before. Your sister just wants you to quit hurting and there is nothing she can do about it. We just have to love them back for caring. Sometimes we see it as us being a problem to them, but if they did not love us, we would not be a problem, we would be a distant friend that grows more distant.

Oh Darrel, your just having a bad day so far. Go read my posts (if you want to die of boredom), and I whine and cry all the time. You don't owe any apology to anyone, nor do any of us. We are who we are. The poem by John Donne comes to mind if you were to leave us. No man is an island, Entire of itself. Each is a piece of the continent, A part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less. As well as if a promontory were. As well as if a manor of thine own Or of thine friend's were. Each man's death diminishes me, For I am involved in mankind. Therefore, send not to know For whom the bell tolls, It tolls for thee. We are none of us islands. Neither should you be. What you say has meaning. You have meaning.

Darrel, I have become aggravated, really aggravated, one time. It was when one person messaged me with anger for "liking" what someone had said that the person thought I was "not on her side." I did not realize we had "sides." The reason my "going through hell" post has so many pages to it is because when I want to say one of my "word salads" I go to that post. It is not "my" post, and lots of times we answer and go off in a completely different direction. Our minds, I don't have to explain our "minds." I really believe we are all in the same place with our "minds." My granddaughter and I watch a lot of TV. I will see a character I want to "Google." The distance between the couch and my computer is about two steps. By the time I get to my screen I have forgot what I am looking for. That tickles my granddaughter and she plays games with me. She will give me the initials of the person I want to google. She makes me think and sometimes I hate thinking. But, you are finding our minds go "splat" all over the place. We don't own posts, but sometimes I will just use that "if your going through hell" post as a catch all. I'm sorry if we get off track. I do know one thing though............I know you understand "getting off track" as part of this grief process. I was going to quit one time also. We are all human, we all hurt, and not everybody has my fault of "word salads" or "run on fingers" but I learn a lot from them and having you on this forum helps us also, just as keeping on reading, not leaving, helps all of us. Sit down and stay awhile. We miss anyone that leaves. We all hurt.

In the 17 months since Billy left so fast, I have had time to think about all the "what if's" and what they come down to is, it does not matter. He is still gone. "If" when he had the nerve damage feeling to his right arm a couple of years ago, what if we had not explained to ourselves that it was the herniated disks in his back. Finally, we decided to have it checked and they would not do anything because they had found a large brain aneurysm. Still, they gave us hope of possibly being fixed when we went to the neurosurgeon. On the way home we were worried, but we had been down that road before with my illnesses. We ate at Outback, our first time. Billy loved steak. That night he had such stomach pains I rushed him to the ER the next morning. They kept him and his whole body was riddled with cancer. What happened. He had been to dermatologists, cardiologist, and twice a year to his nephrologist with complete lab work. The doctor was from our hometown, he was like family to us. (We never received a bill.) I know enough to know that if he had looked at his LFT's and not just his creatinine and kidney functions he would have seen the irregularity in his liver. His liver was taken over with cancer. Couldn't someone have seen these liver function irregularities? We knew the cancer could not be cured, but his fast death from the ER to the hospital bed, we know was not caused from any one thing. Heart, lungs, liver, colon, aneurysm? He is still gone. He was hyperventilating. I could calm his breathing. My strong supporter had become a confused child, my child, my husband, my support, my lover, my very own love, and my last emotion to him was anger for giving up. We are not ever willing to let them go. I'm still not willing. I miss him, but whatever it was that took him, he is still gone. Until typing this right now, I have had to let it go. I'm not happy, I don't have a satisfied mind, I want to be with him.....but I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep (RF). And if I had gone first, I believe Billy would be doing exactly what I am doing now. I am him and he is me.