Margm

My granddaughter is 17 Butch and is on the threshold of needing to be on her own. She is definitely not ready for that and there will be no pushing on my part. School takes up her mind now and she has weekly counselor meetings. Same young woman each time, someone who is closer to Bri's age and includes me when necessary. The main theme is "no pushing" and I am here for her as long as God allows me to be. The fussing with family has quit so that has taken a big load off both of us. Now she can put her time into what she wants to do. She is not a "wild child" and has not even started dating, which is something I will have to face later, I am sure. Right now we just want her to have a life. What I am getting at is the ages are a lot different and you have to provide more physical support, but somehow with another life to think about, I cannot sit around thinking what a horrible life I have. I have someone I have to think about besides myself. In the meantime we still have to "think about ourselves" and keep healthy enough to keep on going. People need us. Noah sounds like he is coming along. Things might not be like they want them to be, but there are enough rehabs to take care of all kinds of things that go wrong. And now a new baby. Butch, looks like you are going to be needed for a long time. I know what I am doing is exactly what Billy would be doing for his granddaughter if I were not here. And your Mary would be doing exactly what you are doing, if she was able, if you were the one gone. Take care. My heart is with your family. Let us hear from you as often as you can because you are on all our minds, along with Noah and all the rest of your family.

Gin, your intentions were good but no need to kill yourself with all those immunizations. Guess they wanted to protect you. I used to get aggravated that I had to come to the hospital once a year for a TB skin test or they would fire me. We worked in our homes. I kinda felt like the Native Americans with all us foreigners bringing them all their diseases. I stayed at home so much if I went to Walmart I got sick. The library sounds lots more interesting to volunteer (but they'd have to fire me cause I would be in some closet reading). Hey, points for getting out and trying. Good for you.

I'm fine on the PC. It was the tablet would not let me on line and honestly, I have all my passwords in a tiny notebook and cannot remember any of them, so that was why it would not let me on.

Billy's was more expensive than it had to be, but it was his insurance money and my grief soaked brain wanted him to get his money's worth. We still have to have the succession in Louisiana for my mom. I legally signed everything, land and house over to my sister, but the lawyer needs his at least $1500 for I guess declaring she is dead. I will be in Louisiana. My family won't let me save any money so I have got to find a "lay-away" plan for me so I won't cost them anything. I have to pay it ahead where I cannot touch it or it will be gone. Also a memorial. But like my prophet Billy said "you will be gone and your pain and worry gone and will be placed on those of us that love you." Can anyone get the idea I am in a sarcastic mood at the moment. Really PO's me that my doctor does not believe I am as bad off as I say I am. So she gives me pills and tries to finish the job. The chief side effect is constipation. Did she even read this? Okay, gonna find another one. Gonna write out what is wrong with me and if they don't believe it I will go somewhere else. I think I will go up and get copies made of that hospitalization and hand them out like invitations, put them on car windows in parking lots. I do know how to spell h-y-p-o-c-h-o-n-d-r-i-a-c.

I am just checking the system. Yesterday I had trouble getting on, in fact, I could not get on. I was on my tablet though and it would not take my name and password, so I just quit. I think Kay was having trouble getting in. Just checking.

Cannot afford. Sounds interesting, but I have to put money back so my penniless family won't donate my body. I used to work at a medical school. And, I am a ticking time bomb, but i guess we all are to a point. Billy ticked for probably many years without us hearing the tick.

I believe it too Kevin.

I will go to a shrink, they will listen to me and I don't have to listen to them plan procedures that cannot be done on me. Besides, I have lots of problems. Not a whole bunch of people in my family is as smart as I am.

She talks big, but she still has him. I don't wish it on her, and who knows, she might go first and maybe he will feel the same way, but wait till she wears our shoes and see how she feels then. That gal don't even have sympathy though, so don't expect empathy either.

Gwen, my friends have quit asking. They know I'm not ready, but one of these days and three of us will go out in the daytime on a Friday. They won't give up on me. I know they all have their own lives to live but I also know that any one of them, or two, or maybe three of us will go out later on. Who knows, we might make a habit of it. Who knows, it might never happen. I am not unhappy or happy either way. I think we have to kinda dig a hole up from this grief our own selves, each in our own time. I cannot believe Billy is gone. I hear Brianna in the bedroom and just the noise will spark a memory and then I think, "no, he is gone" and let it alone. It happens so often. It is a way of life we have to try to get used to and it is not easy. A little analogy: You know I married to get away from home. Billy knew it. He was no pushover. He could be terribly emotionally abusive. The first few weeks I would wake up at night feeling like I was in prison, OMG, I was married and not sure I even liked the jealous fellow. I definitely could not be friendly with people.. I withdrew from all my friends and all his friends became my friends. That was okay, I liked them too. But he knew them. He was jealous of any life I had had before I met him. It took me years to try to get used to this new "me and him" and most times I just wanted to escape. Going home was no answer. Remember, I married to get away from there. At nine years he loosened the leash he had me tied with and "let" me work. Then I had to get used to being free again, and that was not good. Many years ago we hashed all that out. He knew he was as wrong as I was for "getting back" at him. But, it took me a good 20 years or more to get used to being married. I won't live long enough to get used to being widowed.

Martha Jane, I had my first KFC biscuit today. Biscuit's and gravy were Billy's favorite. I got a half one down but could not eat more. Now, that is one strange thing how we keep from eating what they enjoyed. I'll bet if they can see us they think we are pure stupid. In my dream world I would have Billy's mom and my mammaw fighting to make him biscuits. They were the best.

Kevin, I have a pecan Ensure or a strawberry Boost every morning for breakfast. My lab work all came back great. Nothing she could fuss at me about. I thought surely I was getting too many sweets, and I will never be off this low residue diet, but I can use it like the Atkins diet and it is not necessary to gain weight from it. I have to start exercising again also. I take my granddaughter to school three times a week and the new free recreation center is a block away. I cannot do any lifting or heavy stuff, but I used to walk three miles a day and two miles a day after I got sick, so I ought to be able to escape the "tin man syndrome." I thought I heard you were going to do some shoveling. You take care.

Hey, I just mentioned to my doc (after she named off a list of things that I needed to have done), that all I wanted to do was live long enough to see my granddaughter on her own two feet and happy. So she puts me on antidepressants obviously not understanding she herself could kill me. I am not ashamed that I wanted to follow Billy. I am not ashamed for having a plan. I did do a minor bit of critical thinking before I carried it out. Not sure enough about the religious side of it to know whether I would be following him or not. Now, blame that on my southern, redneck, trailer park mentality, countrified, Missionary Baptist mind. And, on top of all that, if my "innards" would take it I probably would drink. Am I weak? Yes I am. Did I think everything out? Well, at the time there was nothing to think about except I wanted to be with him. Never been on my own, but I was not even thinking about that. I think when you lose someone that is your better/or worse half you flop along with half a brain, half a body, and your heart is more than half gone. Okay, now that I have had time to think about it, what I remember most is when I was crying so hard and could not stop, when the breathing seemed like it was going to run out, all I could think was "what a peaceful way to go." I'm not that way anymore. I do want to help my granddaughter have a life. They think Xanax is habit forming. (first off, I don't care and second off I will keep taking it). I usually take one a day at night. If I wanted to, I could quit, but the fact is I do not want to and no family practice doctor is going to take them away from me. I know where to go to get them legally, and I will keep getting them. As long as they help my shaking, as long as they help me put up with some things i have to put up with, I will handle it myself. Do not be ashamed of what you do to live. I doubt very seriously I will have any "stars in my crown" when I go, but I do believe, and I won't get into religion.

They had to do this with my dad and Billy's dad also. Blessedly, Billy went fast. I don't feel blessed, but having watched my father and Billy's father go through this, my sorrow for you is greatly compounded. When it is all over with, they are gone no matter how it happened. My cousin's father died of a heart attack. For years I could not make her see that what my dad went through was horrible. Yes, we did get to tell him goodbye, but at what cost to him? I am so sorry you had to go through this. We have come so far in science and medicine, but still not far enough. Martha Jane, did you buy Ensure or Boost for your husband? I could not eat either, but Billy could not/would not drink them so for quite a few days, I subsisted on this.

Good luck with that Kay. I think we are expecting some days in the 70's again. We have not had winter yet. Those big tulip trees are in bloom everywhere, all of the pretty daffodils are blooming. I know we are in for some weather that will kill those pretty flowers. I hate that. I wish I was as optimistic as a tulip tree in the sun.

Brad, I just had the feeling "what am I doing here?" It was an appointment and I keep appointments, as a rule. I did not think about it, just kept the appointment and then wanted to escape. I was not bargaining with them. I was in terror. I had to leave. We had the biggest downpour I have seen in a long time and I could not run to my truck. Then a young lady came up to me and said a man wanted my truck. It was a long bed truck and I had already backed into a pole with it once. My new car looks like one of those short dogs that has had it's tail cut off. I can back out on a dime. It is not the cayenne red that I wanted. It is metallic silver, just like I am. I have passed police cars doing 80 (on interstate) and they did not stop me. Wouldn't they look foolish stopping such a tiny car with a tiny old woman in it? Billy always let me be part of the automobile buying. In fact, I had to push him to get the new Dodge Diesel when Dodge changed their look. (But, I had no head for bargaining). He thought it was beautiful. I thought it terribly ugly. It was the first of its kind in our neighborhood and even on interstate they did double looks. He was the man. I liked that.

In reading your note George, it reminds me of a poem I once heard that sort of plays with your mind. The first time I heard it was as a child, but the way it was spoke was in a tone that the last stanza spoke to me, just as the man quoting it did. High Flight Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings; Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth Of sun-split clouds, — and done a hundred things You have not dreamed of — wheeled and soared and swung High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there, I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung My eager craft through footless halls of air… . Up, up the long, delirious burning blue I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace Where never lark, or ever eagle flew — And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod The high untrespassed sanctity of space, Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. — John Gillespie Magee, Jr ADDENDUM: I've got to put where I heard this poem. Most of you are too young to remember TV's signing off at midnight or about 10:00 or 11:00 p.m. In my backwoods country we only had one TV station, then we got two more and eventually Fox. But before one of them would sign off at night they would recite this poem with airplanes flying in the distance. Also, as a sad matter, the writer I think was only 19 when he passed away. It would haunt me at night though (and I didn't know who wrote it). Had other things on my mind and did not have Google then. (Mostly I am just happy I remembered something from that long ago, I was in high school). It is immediate memory I have problems with.

I didn't mention KATPILOT, I am just so used to Steve being around. I hope things are okay for him. Was he going to travel? I have read Mitch and Brad recently, I think. Possibly I worry about the young woman in Europe who had a teenager for a son. I think they were in Brussels. Debbi, I think her name was. I hope she and her son are safe. We had some from South Africa for awhile. Butch, taking care of that granddaughter does not leave much time to grieve and the rest of his family, they have all had such a hard time with that family losing grandparents so soon together and the injury and also the loss of babies. So much grief. George, I hope your plan for flying comes to fruition. I'm glad you have that to look forward to.

With politics as they are right now, my mind needs to rest in something I don't have to do anything but laugh about. I saw where you stood up for yourself in selling your car. When I bought my new car I knew the most I wanted to pay. I believe at first they saw a widow, and we don't like to see people that would be so heartless they would take advantage of a widow. They came to me with me paying over $200 a month what I had figured. So, I was leaving. I waved those people off, it was raining, I could not go out to my truck. They brought me another estimate, I told them I was late for appointment with Nissan place. I was not bargaining with them on purpose. They sent another team out with an estimate below what I had figured in the first place. I don't know if I did right. Billy would have wanted Toyota. This was Toyota. We are alone now. They told me not to make any big decisions so the first thing I did was move. I had to get away from where Billy left me. People wanted to lease the house, wrote out a paper that they would do all repairs, and in three years would have it in their name. The lawyer they used was the lawyer we had used before. I have not gone back, but they have made so many changes, so many repairs, I am satisfied. Hope it works out for them. I don't ever want to go back to that house he left me with. He did not leave on purpose, and it was beautiful. I now live in an apartment where I hear people all the time. The quiet at the other house was just too loud. We do what we can to help ourselves get through this nightmare. Dull is a good word. I like "mindlessness" right now.

You described it exactly. It is funny, dumb, and stupid, and that is perfect. We live in reality and in Grace and Frankie, her being given the "toy" and then they decide to start a business for arthritic women that use these "toys." It was dirty and stupid enough that it was funny. Every stupid scene was funny and even though my straight laced friends would not touch it, it helped me more than anything had. I could laugh. Schitts Creek is funny to me because of the son and father. And, it is so unbelievable that it has to be funny like a dirty "Green Acres." And you are too young to remember that. It had Eva Gabor in it and she still wore her Park Ave. clothes even inside the run down shack they decided to get away from the city, town of Hooterville. Cannot imagine back then some of the situations in our comedies now. Just something that you know is so stupid you don't have to think about anything else.

I think I went over the whole boring story above. But, I don't think doctors listen too much. If you find one who does, keep him and hope he is always there. My family practice in AR treated my fever, they were treating a UTI, but the sepsis had already started. Even when they know you they screw things up. They now have to see so many patients, I don't know how they keep up with them anyhow. Billy's checkup doctor (twice a year) never sent us a bill. He was almost like family and I know after Billy passed away, one of those times if he had read his LFT's, we might have caught the cancer in time. Maybe not, because it was all over him. We cannot look back. There were other things that we thought was his herniated disks in his back. Cannot second guess when they are gone.

Sounds warm and snug. Make soup and don't go outside. All we have is rain. I did turn off ceiling fan.

I can never like October again, I have all his pictures he took every year of the beautiful state in the month of October. That was the month we traveled all around taking pictures. It is the beautiful part of autumn. We had just bought his most expensive camera and a lot of things to go with it including the biggest lens that brings things up close. He used it once or twice. My daughter has it now. Now, all I want to do is get through the month. I'm sorry for your sorrow this month. You take care of yourself and I hope your dad does good.

Marita, you must live in a winter wonderland. Vancouver Island sounds like that to me. But, at my age, I don't need it. I came in from the store and turned on the ceiling fan. It is raining here and I am careful. Vancouver Island was on our bucket list till we threw the bucket away. Stay in, stay warm.

George, I may have focused on only a few posts the past few days (always have to give my two cents worth), but have not heard from you or Butch in awhile. I think maybe Bill is somewhere in the background, never hear from him either. Hope your dad is okay George. We need to hear from Butch also. Hope everyone of our people, I hope we are all okay.