Margm

Kay, have you had your eye surgery? I have not searched to see if you have had it yet. I sure hate having anything happen to me, nothing at all, I do so want to watch my granddaughter get on her own without someone pushing her. I have to get her on my insurance as her mother is moving. Oh, no more fever. I tried to explain to the doc there were very few meds I could take. She has never had a patient like me before. One you want to help, but you need to leave alone. I have a regimen I have to follow but she is right, I could lose weight with this diet if I used it kinda like the Atkins diet. I can have meat, but I sure would miss my potatoes. Just double my string beans I guess.

Gwen, this won't make you feel any better, but the doc said flu-like symptoms were rampant right now. I have noticed my ear has started hurting and I do have MD prescribed ear drops. I am fixing to go to bed also, and that is something I don't do. We do have to take care of ourselves though. We are the only ones who can. Good luck with yours and let us know how you are doing. If you have Netflix watch Grace and Frankie. Laughing at them makes me feel better. One show, I think the last one from last season had them starting a company for "electrical" toys for old women with arthritis. It is so far fetched it is funny and really, sometimes laughter is the best medicine. Honestly, some of these things I like, Billy would not have liked at all, so I just laugh with myself. There is a new one called "Schitt's Creek" and sometimes it is very funny. The father and son that star are father and son in real lift. Kinda far fetched, but some funny moments.

I wrote on wrong post, had to delete. Went to doc yesterday, real family practice doc (my second visit). She is young, I don't think she has come on a patient like me. (Not many doctors have). My visit was only a checkup on meds. She was really surprised that her #2 for refills for Xanax had been interpreted as 5 by Walmart pharmacy. She does not believe in giving them. The short story is my insides have had the maximum amount of radiation it can have years and years ago. No, it has not regenerated normal tissue. Then in 2014, the colon ruptured and I had overall sepsis and it was not sure if I would make it. It was no walk in the park for about six months, a new derived tube instead of a colostomy (which all his colleagues advised), but it has worked for me for three years. (Tube removed). No lifting heavy objects, take temperature ever so often and take Miralax nightly. Nutritionist (hospital) could not believe the low residue diet was a lifetime thing for me, but he assured her it was, though I can have wheat bread. New doc does not believe it either. Wish I could be a fly on the wall listening to my surgeon talk to her. He had to have anger management, (did not get along with hospital employees) but he is the best surgeon (to me) in the world. He does not suffer fools. He also told me that I scared him, so he fixed me and follow-up was nil. This doc cannot understand me not being able to take other meds. Gave me new antidepressant. What the hell, new generation, smallest dose. Last night temperature went up to 101.8, I had chills and Miralax not helping. I don't like to look at complications of medications because I will develop them (hypochondriac). This morning at 4:00 a.m. temp was high and I read complications. First one was constipation. I sure would like to take the antidepressant, but won't take another one. Also, you remember how we brought illness to all the Native Americans and wiped out tribes because they had not been around so many people. Yesterday Bri and I went to "big city." Got her some new clothes, big department store, then visited the big Target, so we were around lots of people. Not the first time I have gotten sick being around lots of people. No fever right now, but no help from the Miralax. Yes, I had wanted to follow Billy, but my main goal now is to keep my granddaughter safe. This has shaken me up for sure. First time I have been sick since the colon rupture.

I wrote this under wrong post, will post later.

My dad came from a very private family. At dinner they would point to what they wanted passed. No words. You hid your feelings. He never wanted to see us hurt or for us to see him hurt. The long time it took him to die, the dignity he felt he lost, it was worse than the pain, and the pain was relentless. And he would not take pain medicine because he felt he would get addicted to it. I stuck a morphine pill in Billy's mouth if when he was even sitting on the couch, if he looked pained in any way. Sometimes men used to not want to be watched if they hurt. I come from an old family, old country ways. They were all farmers, paper mill workers, and railroad workers. If Daddy was sick, he went to work. The only time he would miss if he was in the hospital, which was never until he got cancer. Now me, I did wait until I had passed out before I would let them call the ambulance, but usually if I hurt, dammit, I want everybody to hurt with me.

My doc today suggested tests. I told her if I had anything I did not want to know about it. I am doing okay. No blood or excess pain. I want to see my granddaughter to where she can live her own life, no pushing, just want to be around and she suggested I take antidepressants. If they could find one giant antidepressant with a gray beard, blond and gray hair, about 6'2" stooped, and add life to the pill, I would be just fine. I'm tired of probing, prodding, and invading. I do very well. Heck, even after this crazy diet my blood sugar was only 81. I will have to get more exercise only because I want to keep mobile.

Not for our last 20-30 years. They were as smooth as silk. I sure miss him. And, I do have to put an addendum to this one. Growing old together helped us. He could not say "you said........." and I could not say "you said....." simply because neither of us could remember for sure if the other one had said it or not. Instead of our youth anger, we had old folks laughs. I am so sorry so many did not get to reach that point in their life. Being together physically, we knew each other and we excused each other. Nothing to get angry about. We knew each other's faults and we had faced them down. I have lots to be thankful for, but I sure miss him.

I am gonna say something else. I had 54 years and I wanted 54 more. I did not want to live. But, these many months later, I do so want to see my granddaughter find a career that will help her grow. I would love to see her find someone to love. Oh, I know it won't always be smooth, but if she understands that fusses are just fusses as long as there is not emotional abuse, physical abuse. I outlived the emotional abuse and gave some of my own, which was not the answer, but we did wind up with the last 20-30 years being perfect. Maybe fighting to keep something that would wind up that perfect was worth the trouble we went through to get there. No matter what we did, we had to be together. Even during the bad times, we had to be together. We are still together in my mind. Even though things that should have been forgotten, I have admitted to. We were two imperfect people that made a very perfect marriage.......eventually. I am glad we never let go. Either one of us had reason to, but it was impossible. I'm glad.

Your living Gin. You are breathing. The one left must stay. No fun, but we are making it, okay. We are doing all we can.

I did not court suicide, I had my plan made out and it was liberating for me and I never for once considered the rest of my family. I had lost my family in Billy. Then, not knowing for sure how my religion viewed it, not understanding if I was following Billy or going the other way, I reconsidered. But, I flirted with the idea of stopping breathing when I would cry. It would have been so easy to let go. That would have been accidental. I did not want to live. Then my family got the gist of it, and the biggest uproar was caused right on down to putting me "away." Well, to hell with that. I guess I was gonna live. I had not considered anyone but Billy and following him. So, there are other people we have to consider, even though sometimes the finances of others drive us to distraction and having to take care of so many people, but even that can be evened out over time. And, what would I have been doing to my granddaughter? Honestly, sometimes we do have to think of other people dammit. My heart is with you with your problems and I hope they even out better.. You know we all have had them. Hard to fight alone, but sometimes we have to. (One foot in front of the other).

I think we all just tread water most days, and I cannot swim. I take Xanax for a lot of reasons. It helps stop my tremors for awhile. It will take care of a panic attack, and some times I am bothered with an old ruptured colon and stomach problems make a congenital tremor look like I have parkinsonism. It helps. But the grief cannot be cured with medication. I quote Rose Kennedy often. Time does not heal grief, it just provides scar tissue. Those that have been on here the longest, we follow their progress and sometimes lack of it for awhile. This path we all walk on, it always has some deep potholes, no matter how many months, no matter how many years.

There is a subject on here I wish I had not got involved in. Brought back bad memories. I had a long life with Billy. Lots of mistakes, lots of living, lots of regretting, but lots more love. He would not have stayed with me if he had not loved me. Our kids were grown, we were still enablers, but they did not hold us together, we held us together through the bad and the good, through sickness, health, and death. He is still part of me. GriefShare was not for me. Someone else maybe. I got no help meeting once a week. I would go and leave hurting more than when I arrived. It was not just for widows. I do receive by email a passage each night and I do sometimes get something from that. Last night was this wisdom. "Remember the good times; cherish the memories, but live each day moving forward. Focus your thoughts on what is before you and how you are going to get there." “I often tell people that there are three stages you need to think about: You can’t go back. You can’t stay here. You must go forward,” says Dr. Ray Pritchard. “There may be some good things in the past that you wish you could go back to, but in the end you have to let those go.” This is a hard thing to do, sometimes seems impossible, but as stubborn as I am, even I know it to be true. Doing it is a whole "nuther thing."

Going on 18th month. I can see him in my "mind's eye" and he is in my heart but each day he is still gone, some days he is gone more than others. I realize no matter what I do, no amount of crying is going to bring him back. I keep a roll of paper towels between my granddaughter and myself because we both cry at the end of a shows, happy, sad, or even commercials. I have said before he passed i was not old. Now I feel ancient. This week was bad because I was forced to go through some of the boxes I packed all those long months ago and most things I just put back in the box. What am I going to do with them? He is not here to use them, no one else will want them, and I don't want to give anymore away than I already have. So, I tiredly put them back. I may never do anything with all those boxes. Right now, I just need to find the folder I put away last year with his death certificates in them and all the important papers. I use this word on purpose, I do not have the "foggiest" idea where it is. My cousin just passed away this past week. It is surreal, it cannot be, I remember him last as the redheaded wildlife agent that married our cousin on the other side of the family. I saw their pictures at their wedding, they were so scared and innocent looking. He was 15 years older and he just died at 90. That is so unreal. I was gone 18 years to another state and all the people I knew got old. This life just gets crazier. I just was not paying attention.

I will bow out of this conversation. Some of it hits home too much. I just see what might have happened if I had not told Billy. Only fairy tales end happily ever after.

Finch, you did what helped you. I actually see you feel good about it. If you feel good about it, you have no problem. You did what you had to do for you. That is all we, any of us can do, your relationship involved a whole family...........and then just you. II did not read all that you wrote. If you feel good about it, then you did what you had to do to help yourself.

Ditto Joyce

I know you miss him, but when husbands, wives, and kids are involved, it becomes very sticky. Even brothers, sisters and friends. It is best when they are gone and cannot defend themselves to not tarnish their memory. You have your own family to protect too. It bothered my grown kids to find out their mother was not on the up and up. I think I come from a different generation than you, but I wish I had not sullied my image with people I love. And Finch's friend and yours also have to be considered. They cannot defend themselves.

I am rewriting. Wish I had not gotten into this because of the mistakes I made, my admission of guilt, and finally the forgiveness. Because of the relationship between my husband and me, I wrote a lot more. Probably part of the reason when I write grief, I substitute guilt for that word. I did hurt my family, I hurt Billy, and I hurt myself most of all. Strange thing was, where there was no trust before (because of his mom's affairs), he saw the damage my guilt did to me. Ironically, after telling, after the forgiving, he knew it would never happen again and he trusted me for the first time and until he passed away he knew I was trustworthy. But, it could have been so different. I could have kept it all inside me and let it eat away and I could have gone first. Then, some unkind person could have told him about my secret life. All those years would have been a lie. Possibly his grief would have turned into anger. That would have hurt him even more. I'm glad the truth came out, I am glad he finally trusted me. We had many years to heal. I wish I had not gotten involved in this. Every relationship is different. You just do not want to hurt the innocent. In this case, the innocent are the ones that are left behind.

Darrel, I know everyone wishes you peace and a modicum of happiness that you can have. Do not understand your message, but wish you the best. I think most all of us will still be here for awhile if you need to return. Be safe.

Don't like dates. But will keep on buying Valentine's cards, birthday cards of course for family and will sign his name also on everything, forever more. I'm sorry we cannot have our mates anymore. I wish you moments of peace and hope you get to feeling better.

Billy's sister and I both cry if we try to talk. I email his niece. His sister's husband is not doing good. She wants to come back to Louisiana if he passes. (I don't like to say die). She left LA over 40 years ago. I was gone 18 years and sometimes you cannot go home again. No place is home when the most important one is gone. He was my home. She lives in NM and LA is not NM.

Welcome the numb. I called it my numbing down. Now after 17 months, I cannot do it. After 17 months I have some periods of almost happiness. I feel too guilty to be happy. I think that goes with all of us. We were happy with our mate but we have lost a whole half side of our body and we tend to flop along. You think you cannot enjoy things because your mate cannot enjoy them with you. If you have other people, family, in your life you will have to try to help take care of them, but you really do have to take care of yourself first. After living with Billy nearly 55 years my first impulse was to follow him, and I did not mind doing that at all. I did not want to live without him. I tried grief group, (This is the only place that I found that addresses our grief). We lived for and took care of family during all that time and I have a hard time listening to music. I turned politics off TV earlier to music. Turned to easy listening music. They just played "A Time for Us" from West Side Story and that is what we thought. Eventually there will be "a time for us" but there never was. I get bitter sometimes. We fitted into those years a bunch of things we wanted to do, so I will give up on that sadness. We have to take care of ourselves, but in my case, I also have to take care of family and sometimes (other than my teenage granddaughter), I have to just ignore family. I cannot say it gets "easier" cause there is nothing easy about it. I will say things get different, and the definition of that has to come from you. I cannot tell you what my different is. Sometimes I do not even notice seasons have changed. I will say, somehow we do manage to flop along. I don't know how that saying goes, two steps forward, fall back one. Just keep reading. You will recognize your feelings somewhere in this forum and you will see how we all feel at different times. We are all from different backgrounds, different parts of the country, but grief is a common denominator.

Yep

Well girls, thought I could do all this being around people stuff. I can to a certain point, then I cannot. When I go somewhere and feel worse coming home, I don't need to go back. I do have family, but sometimes that can be a hassle too. Honestly, guess I am not comfortable for long anywhere, except asleep at night. So, that widow that told me "now you get to find yourself" might have been right, guess I need to start looking for myself. One is a lonely number you know. I do have my granddaughter, but once you lose your mate, you are really alone everywhere you go.

Thank you for our smiles Butch. You all have our prayers.