Margm

Ana, there is a picture I love.. It is a cow stuck right in the middle of a fence. I associate with that cow. I hate politics, something I don't understand.. I hear right and I hear wrong, and I learned when I first got married that religion and politics are two things that should not be discussed on public forums like this. I was so surprised to hear my dad and my new husband in heated discussions about such things. My sister would argue with my dad, go to her room and shut the door and he would go outside her window and keep fussing. I thought that was comical. Okay, no music, voices droning on and on in the background. Now I will look for that folder that I have conveniently hidden from myself, but this time of year is necessary. I have no clue which box I put it in. Hate to go through boxes. Back on track anyhow.

Ana, I do not understand politics, but know the people that I grew up with, they do not share my views. I do not argue with them, I just wonder how all of us from that small papermill town, how we all grew up and my views are so different than theirs. Not intelligent enough to argue. It does help take my mind off the grief for awhile though, but I don't understand it any more than the grief. Sometimes I appreciate that phenomenon called grief fog.

I worked at home for probably 10 of my 43 years working. Billy felt guilty my working, but I enjoyed my job and it was just a hobby we paid high taxes for me to do. He would sit on the couch those 10 years, me typing on this desk (only piece of furniture he ever picked out), and he would tie his fishing flies, wrap fishing rods, do his hobby so that he would not leave my side. It is a presence I feel when I am typing, no matter where I live, he is on my right side, sitting on the couch, not 4-5 feet from my chair. He might be watching a fishing show on TV while he sat there, so he is ghostly by my right arm. I can see him, feel his presence, but he is not there. If I look, there is a wall on my right, but I like to imagine he is sitting there. I cry at TV shows, commercials, but this morning that song by Richard Marx broke me up and I did cry. I turned music off.

So, I'm right here, Sunday morning, treading water sounds so silly for someone who cannot swim. I can see Billy, hearing him seems so long ago. Wind is blowing bad, no clouds, beautiful blue sky. Turned TV to music channels because so tired of seeing and hearing politics. Nope, music playing breaks me up. You think your doing good, you think your not healing, but then you are existing okay. No, he is gone and he is not coming back. I can see him but cannot hear him. You think its okay as it is gonna be, and I guess it is. Sure hurts to push on that scar tissue though. No cure. Gotta keep your fingers off the wound. Politics are terrible but if you can put yourself out of this misery, at least politics make you angry. Anger is an emotion. Definite explanation of this, word salad.

We walked it so many times. Parked under the cottonwoods (think they are called) in the parking lot. Liked to imagine the mining history. We had a new Boykin Spaniel one time and he would flatten himself out and we had to carry him. That height and foreign feel to the metal scared him. Best pet we ever had. Billy would ask him if he wanted to go walking and he would go fetch his leash. In Deming RV park he would get burs in that sand. I thought it was the most beautiful place along side that windy highway. Big purple flowers. (K-Mart sacks blown to the tumbleweeds). That is why I like to hear about your hiking. I think it was the Blue River and/or Black River we would walk a ways down. I was scared to take the RV up to Alpine because of the winding road. One time we saw a huge number of elk up against the mountain past Alpine. Reserve seemed like an old western town. Billy saw a man driving a covered wagon pulled by mules at Apache Creek and that was what he wanted to do. He wanted to be a mountain man. The Jeremiah Johnson kind, not modern kind. He wanted to camp at Escudilla mountain but for some reason that place spooked me. Beautiful, but I didn't get a good feeling, don't know why. Signal Peak up from Cherry Creek was where I heard the voices in the trail in front of us that Billy heard too, but since there was no real person ahead of us, he would not admit to hearing them. Know you know of the legends though. There is a guy that lives somewhere around Bear Lake (I think on the other side of Lake Roberts), that takes people back into the Gila with his goats carrying supplies. I think he has a book publishing company (Lonesome ???). We have some of his books packed away now. Maybe Dutch Salmon? Memory is bad. A lot of water has run under that catwalk since we visited. You live in beautiful country. Those were good memories.

I've quit fighting it Kevin. If I remember something to put on the list by the time I find the pen and paper I have forgotten it.

I'm glad he has Gracie to keep his mind off things as much as she can, as much as he can. Prayers for Noah.

Billy and I traveled New Mexico extensively. Our favorite place to put the RV was in a park located in an apple orchard in a place called Pinos Altos. Not sure I have that spelled correct, but it means tall pines. The people who live there refer to it as PA, because of the way it sounds. While camped there we would go to Glenwood and the catwalk. Then we discovered a precarious road up the mountain (did not bring the RV) that led into the Gila Wilderness. I explored the pretty little cemetery at Pinos Altos. (Out of Silver City). It was beautiful. But going up that precarious road we discovered the sorta ghost town of Mogollon. It had a cemetery with many graves, I think about 1918, when the deadly flu must have been brought in by travelers. This part of New Mexico became our destination for our trips to NM, and we went once a year when we were working and the short time we got to RV, we stayed around this area and Reserve all along the Arizona border. Was wondering if that might have been the place your daughter hiked. We saw a mountain lion one time that just ignored us. If Billy had been able to live, I would imagine we would be in that area right now in the RV. Our son is in Albuquerque right now visiting/training. Strange phenomenon, as much as I loved the area with Billy, I can never go back without him. It would for sure knock the scar tissue off of the wound.

Karen, trying to catch up on reading. So worried about Butch and his family. Reading Autumn2's notes and she lost a daughter 12 years ago. You who have lost children, you have my heart. Also my fear. But, what you said above, it is tattooed on our brains and hearts. I think you live in Arizona, so I think you are okay "weather-wise." A tornado hit in my grandmother's life-long community last week, the first one I can ever remember happening in that area. My daughter is moving to Kansas, but she won't find the wizard. I believe she will move "back home" not long after she gets there. Sometimes it is hard to run away from ourselves, I know, I have tried, but everywhere I go, there I am.

Kevin, if I followed a plan I would have to have a notebook and write it down. I go to wash the dishes and three minutes later I am cleaning out the sink in the bathroom, then looking for a book I remembered, then going to get the mail, and nothing ever gets finished. Planning is not in my vocabulary. Procrastination is filed on that "list" in #1 position. I admire people that can follow a plan. Anytime Billy and I made plans for anything we always had them interrupted. Sometimes things do not change even when there is only one left. Maybe living in the hippy generation made my generation of people (some of us) just willy-nilly all over the place. Waiting for the Ancestry DNA to come in. I know we come from England, Germany, and Irish. Would be so delighted if I found out my gypsy disposition had a real DNA reason. I wanted Native American so bad but my cousin's came back with none. So will mine, I am sure. I guess Native Americans would make me live outside their villages with my red hair and freckles. You cannot always make your bloodline different (even if your mind wants something else).

Okay, I admit to being a countrified southern redneck all my life. We lived 175 miles from here and we had snow and winter. Down here we have 70 degree weather one week, 50-60 next week. Sometimes we have cold weather. My cousin lives on Lake Michigan. (She was southern fried also). But, does it just get colder and colder the further up you go? What I mean, is it very cold where you live in Canada? (No, I do not look at temperatures unless my family is traveling). And yes, I am a flatlander, bass, catfish, crawdads, etc. My son lived in Alaska awhile in a house with no bathroom. (I think they had problems with ground freezing) and one time he was behind a bush when a grizzly was his company. He didn't stay long. His marijuana plants he was raising froze.

My dad always remembered "days." He would wake me up on my birthday singing to me. (Even after I was married, until he passed away). I expected Billy to be like my dad. Oh Lordy, that boy's family was something else. When they were kids his mom would make crashing noises on the porch. They were scared of Santa Claus and he never had the holidays like I did. So, sending his sister to pick me out a card, and one time our daughter when she was a teenager, this was his kind of remembering. My feelings got hurt so many times that I finally said to hell with it. He was so good in so many other ways, it did not matter really. Certainly not enough to get upset about. So, I quit buying anything but a card for him, and it got to where it was okay with me. Then he saw our daughter get so upset at her husband's forgetfulness and that boy of mine turned completely around. I was not ready for that. This was not like him. I'm ashamed to say I forgot to get him a 50th anniversary card. He got me flowers, a card, I had done it so many years and I guess I just reversed personalities with him. Not on purpose. And the bedroom sanctuary. If our door was locked it was always "what are you all doing in there." One time we told them we were watching porn. Kids can sure ruin a mood. I had female cancer and terrible treatments so moods did not need to be ruined. Sounds like this lady and her husband with two mixed families were certainly successful. I am sorry for her sadness. I am sorry for all of you, especially you George. I said I was not having an October in 2016, but I did. And the year 2015 did happen. And Billy does not have to worry about cards anymore but I will always put his name on any card I give to anyone in our family. They understand.

Martha Jane, I came back to our old hometown, to our old home parish, just to find some essence of the 54 years married and 55 years we were together. I saw our first apartment, it was still standing, in good condition, someone rents it above a garage. Billy wasn't there. I rode to his little town where he graduated, a few miles up the road where we got married. I live close to the hospital where our firstborn came along. I passed the house twice in the neighboring city and the many years we were there were a blur of him coaching little league in all the sports for our son and daughter. The parents loved him, the kids loved him, I loved him. He was a wonderful parent and even better, if possible, grandparent and loved kids. Lots of water under the bridge that we used to put the boat in and go fishing early mornings when I'd get off work, if he was off. So many memories. Our high schools have both been torn down and the schools in the parish consolidated. Billy would never live in an apartment again. But, he would understand why I need to hear people. He would not want to hear them though. I cannot find him anywhere anymore. Even the essence is gone from where we lived the longest and I will never go back to where he passed, we planned on leaving anyhow. Like I put somwhere else, quoting a book I am supposed to read each morning for motivation. Get up. Survive. Go back to bed. I think your at the time that I could numb-down sometimes. I cannot do that anymore. Quoting Rose Kennedy, time does not heal but it provides scar tissue over the wound. I wish you peace my friend. I understand. We all do.

I've quit reading my daily motivations by Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD. Last time I read was January 21st. Today's is what it is all about. Things to do today: 1. Get up 2. Survive 3. Go back to bed. I will survive today. Some days that is enough.

How many "good moments" do we get? How can we let go of something that is not here anymore? I was not going to let go of Billy. I was not going to let him die. I did not get to play God, but I tried. That boy who was afraid of responsibility that I married just as he was turning 20, that kid, always the kid, but he worked two jobs for about nine years. I have a lot of bitterness against the people we were responsible for, we were the enablers. Billy telling me if I died my worries would be over and all the worries would be on the one left. I do have to fight bitterness, right now it is my biggest road block. What it comes down to is we do what we have to do, and that is all we can do. There is no one to let go of, he is already gone. My grandmother saying at 18 years it was like it was yesterday my grandfather "left." It is going to be two years this year, yet it was only yesterday Billy "left" me.

I'm pretty sure I will go George. And I know how you feel about flying. It seems there might be something "out there" to do yet. I think some times my life is over, and we don't know what tomorrow holds. I just wish some of our family members could get some relief. We take small steps and we pray for those that need our prayers. Thanks for your encouragement. You feel good for a moment, but then you wonder should you. We are gonna try it anyhow, okay? It might change things for a moment anyhow.

Patty, I pray for better days for us all. There are a bunch of people we used to hear from we don't hear from anymore. I still worry about Debbi and her son. I wish we all had peace. I'm so sorry about the strife and worry our members of this forum have to go through..

I don't know what to say. This little family has had too much. And those of us who can, please pray. My heart is with them all. Just too much.

My son called me and said the group Journey will be in Shreveport July 9th. I got so excited and then it came crashing down. How can I get excited? I never cared for concerts. I used to use their music because each song lasted about five minutes. Between 4 and 5 minutes. Then they hired a vocalist from the Philippines named Arnel Pineda. I followed this little fellow's life story and it is Cinderella, and what he has done with his earnings from being their lead singer now for close to 10 years. He was a street kid in the Philippines and his earnings started a corporation to help educate and provide medical care for the "street kids" in the Philippines. My dad used to take me to "concerts" by country singers Slim Whitman, Red Souvine, Red Foley, Stamps Quartet, and I did not consider them concerts, just continuation of watching Louisiana Hayride (nobody remembers that), but it was our "Grand Ole Opry" for us country folks. Never cared about concerts. Oh my kids went, and my granddaughter has been as far as Albuquerque to watch concerts. We did not do such a thing. To lose weight I would put ear buds in my ears, get on the elliptical, and play Journey. I would try for one more song, or five more minutes. The gest of all this was that I had moments of elation, actually enthusiasm, happiness that I was going to get to go see and hear my little hero Arnel and Journey. The music is beautiful.. Then it all came crashing down. How can I be happy, how can I have enthusiasm, how can I feel this way. Now, I will tell you this, even for me, Billy would not go to the concert. As long as he knew Scott was there with me, he would have been okay with it. For this reason, I am going to look forward to it. Billy would not want to go anyhow. We even walked out of an Eddie Rabbit concert at the State Fair one time. Too many people for Billy. So, this young fellow who took Steve's place with Journey, and who carries the group, I will get to see him. I have his concert in Manila on DVD, but I won't watch it. Billy did not care for it. But Billy left me, even if he could not help it. Even if I could not help it either. I still feel guilt, but will try to get rid of it.

Darrel, I'm so sorry something like that happened. I cannot get started on doctors, I worked for them for 43 years and while we had some very nice/reputable/caring doctors the almighty dollar made clinics turn some of them into machines, timing them 15 minutes to a patient. One totally saved my life. He was an arrogant SOB that had to take anger management training and I loved him so much. But, he said "I'm not a huggy person." He was a damn good doctor though. I thought it was only after I got on Medicare (I have Blue Cross also, but would usually only see PA's and those nurses that can write prescriptions. (Which I liked her better than the doc's) I'm so sorry we have to see our loved ones go through all this pain. I'm sorry we have to go through it too. I wish there was a "happily ever after."

Not a thing wrong with Baptist churches. I am Baptist, until I turn into something else. I hate labels, but backslide Baptist might fit me. The thing is, I am not getting anything from the meetings and in the mood I am in, my emotion might be anger, and those good women are going through a hard time. They do not need me, unless I could help them. Right now I am my old selfish self, I want to help me. And, I will.

Kay, one of my friends had called me this and I accepted it without looking it up. No college skills with words, like my sister's knowledge of words, I had knowledge of medical words. Words to the "wise" though, not so much, and I knew the psychological term "word salads" which mine are, more or less.

Well Marty, just so happens I am on here this morning. I think the word "guilt" comes into being because it is in the Baptist Church and my dad always made me go to the meetings, no matter what they were. (We served meals at their brotherhood meetings.) I am going to go off on a limb and set up an appointment (is that what you do in a Catholic church?) with someone. I don't feel at home in a Baptist church anymore. I honestly feel like one of the Stepford wives. Not sure anyone will get that one. I think it might go back to "if it feels good do it and if it does not feel good, don't do it." I'm sorry to the group of women (and that is one thing that bothers me, where are the men?). Not looking for a man, but feel they are excluded with a purpose.

Well, I am going to GriefShare tomorrow night again. Really, it was raining so hard (which was all the excuse I needed) to not go. I felt that I was letting two of my friends down, although only one comes. I felt she was being a little sanctimonious, but I felt that way cause I don't want to go. I can be around other people, no problem, I really feel like our talking on this forum makes me feel like an 8th grader that has been put back in the 3rd grade. Maybe my blessing will come with this meeting. I do not enjoy them. I am sorry. It is not my thing. I am going to try to keep anger and resentment away, and I am sorry I feel that way. My emotions are in one heck of a ball of string and I will sit and listen and will offer any advice I can. I might wind up and say, "hey, lets go over to the Episcopal Church" and try this for awhile. You know I am not sure what is wrong with me but being a Baptist makes me angry. Lots of things make me angry. Rant, rant, rant. Going to bed. That is my rant for tonight. Small town, guess people can look at me as a hardA$$ and sometimes I am. (But for some reason I don't care)

We just loved them so much we did not want to let them go no matter what. I always said I was selfish.