Margm

Brad, I don't remember things. I am told things I did and said. I have no recollection. It does not matter what, they could tell me a lie and I could not deny it. I think it is shock and we still suffer from it. And will. I used to get numb (brain). I don't do that anymore. I miss that. Insanity is kinder.

Gin, my reasons fall into my lap. I did not have to look for them. I write things down and then I delete them. Sometimes I might post them and forget that I have already said something. I am so tired of this GriefShare, and I think you said you liked it, or someone did. So, that person is good with other people. It is a good group, a good cause. But, I really feel like an 8th grader stuck in the 3rd grade. Used to in church we would have so many "fellowship" meetings and at various other Missionary Baptist churches. I was fine with that, but never liked to be put on the podium to give a "talk." Still don't. I will share in meetings, in a circle, not getting out of my chair, and if I can help someone else, I am happy to try. Being a senior, there are many things offered to us, if we want to take them. This town is about 12 or 13,000 people, more or less. They have a senior center. The small town I moved from had made it past 1,000 people. Their senior center on top of a hill was beautiful. Lunch every day, bingo, cards, dominoes, people getting together talking, gossiping, just regular fellowship. They even sent small vans and buses around to pick up people from their homes. Lots of churches. Don't have a belief yet? Maybe don't want a belief, faith, well that is totally your business and should stay that way. But there are still places to go. Now, if I was a lot younger and my "innards" were in better shape I would go to a bar. (I know, I know, that is not a good thing to do, but I have not been known to always do good things. Not looking for anyone, although the liquor might make me take a taxi home). No taxi or bars in this town, and luckily/or unluckily my "innards" cannot handle liquor, so that kind of fellowship is out. Right now I am not looking for fellowship, but if I did want it, I think I might find a place to go. No, it would not be near as much fun without Billy, but Billy left me. He did not do it on purpose, but he is not coming back so whatever I do, I have to do without him. Does not keep me from talking to him and telling him what is going on. Does not keep me from crying for him. You see, last night I had to go pick up my daughter at the hospital. One of her "friends" that does not know her like I do, this friend up in the north, Michigan I think, she thought my daughter was suicidal. (We have been through this for years now). So she called local police and eight police cars showed up at her house and took her to the hospital in the big city (at least, one of the cars did this). She was ashamed to tell me the truth but finally had to. The psych doc called me before dark, tornado warnings all over the area, and asked me if I thought she was suicidal. (He, the doctor), did not think she was. No, I did not think so, we have been through this before, so I drove through the storm to the big city. I have plenty of things to keep me occupied. Right now I don't have time for "fellowship." If anyone wants fellowship, I think it can be found. Right now, in grief, we have to do what is best for us, if we get a chance to. Some of us do not really want to be around people, some of us really want to be.............and then some of us have to be. It is doable, even if we are not young anymore.

As said so often, I was not old until Billy left. Right after he passed when I would cry so much the breath seemed to just drift away and I would think "this is not bad, just don't draw in your breath, just don't breathe any more." It seemed so easy. But then my granddaughter moved in with me. And, you think, a 17-year-old, how will you handle that? But, my daughter has mental problems and had emotionally beat this child down. A purpose came into my life. I want to make my granddaughter trust people again. She is getting her GED, because my daughter kept taking her out of schools. She got to where she was afraid to be around people. She was adopted as an infant and was her "Dade," she was the light of his life. He was her first "Nanny." We got guardianship twice but each time we thought our daughter had changed. She could not have children and now that our granddaughter is 17, she does not have to go through a lawyer again, or courts. She goes to school, no problem (except she wants to know I am somewhere close). She goes to a counselor once a week and last night she was telling me about changing classes and taking some advanced English classes. I do not push her. Her mom did, but also put up walls where she had nowhere to go. I see hope. Only, her mom tells her "what are you going to do if Mamol dies." Well Lord help me, I have a reason to keep living and after I can get her standing on her own two feet, then I won't mind leaving. I am old. And, no one wanted to follow their husband anymore than I did, my plan was made. My health is ...........well, I can get around very good, I drive (even at night if I have to), and after I get my sister on her two feet after my mom passed, then if I have to, then I can go. But, like with Billy, we had no idea he was even sick. So, you go when you have to. I just want to help my granddaughter live. She is no problem. Her happiness and my sister's problems, they are my utmost concern. We find a reason to live.

I certainly spoke wrong. It should not be "he never knew I minded" it should be that I never minded, other than not wanting him to be sick, taking care of him was as loving as if he had been my infant child. I never minded.

I keep my fiberoptic Christmas tree under the shelf where Billy's wooden urn is located. There it will stay. If it breaks, I will get another one. It is white, sparkly, and pretty. Martha, for a long time I would make some psychological slip and for "grief" the word "guilt" would be substituted. It has been 17 months now. The first few months I could make myself numb and escape some of the hurt. We had 54 years together. I wanted 54 more. My last emotion to him was anger. When I first started typing discharge summaries and medical transcription there was a death summary the doc had dictated. The man and woman were in their 20's. He had incurable leukemia (which might have been cured in this time 47 years later. The most romantic, sorrowful, powerful thing during all my years of typing these was the doctor saying he came into the room and she was rocking her deceased husband, holding him like a baby, loving on him. Martha, one thing Billy loved more than anything was for me to just hold him. His illness took him in five weeks. Hell filled weeks, cane, walker, wheelchair. I had to clean him for a short time. I gave him bed baths and I loved ministering care to him and showing him how much I loved him. He never knew I minded, I made sure of that. I told him about emptying my bedpans and cleaning the tube inserted in my hip when my colon burst. He cleaned the bags too and they were awful. My taking care of him though, it took his dignity away. So, the morning he passed away my head was asleep on his bed in the hospital. I won't go into the crap we had to go through to get that bed anymore, but he woke me and held his hands out to me and I knew he was giving up. I got terribly angry. I took the bottle that he used to urinate in and said unkind words, I don't remember what they were, but I slapped it into those beautiful hands that were outstretched to me. I woke up two hours later and he was gone.. I missed my chance to sit up in bed and hold him and ease him over into his rest. So now, my mind substitutes the word guilt often for grief. I could have been holding him. If I could I would be one of those people that takes those things and flogs themselves to death physically. You and I both are doing it mentally. I am trying to go to a group and I am resenting it so bad. The people on here, we can say anything, anytime, and there is an empathetic voice attached to the words typed on the screen. I want to practice what I preach. We have to give up the guilt. Billy was 75. As I have said 10s of times, I was not old until he left. And, I could have been holding him. Will never have that chance again. It is past now. I have let go of some of the guilt and have allowed myself to forget his death mask...........some times. More often now than earlier. I wish you such peace. It still is there, but I am forgiving myself some, and then I want to say, "no, I'm not." I hope we both can forgive ourselves. We say that they would forgive us. I wonder though, Billy loved for me to hold him. I was angry, I was not going to let him give up.. He didn't listen to me this time. He left without me.

Gin, like I said before somewhere, Billy had a rough life. He got to where he did not want to go visit my folks, any reunions, no where that I had had a past life around. It went a long time like this so I learned to go to places by myself, (I had a pretty big family of grandparents, aunts, cousins, uncles.). So, I learned to go places without him. I liked to get groceries by myself. He would just stand there and he would not say anything, but I felt rushed. So, I would usually take him to the toy department (fishing) and leave him until I finished. It was always me that went in to get things, we were together in the house all the time, we camped, fished, and sometimes we would go grocery shopping, but I got too bored waiting on him to shop in the fishing, and he was bored in the grocery part. If he shopped, he would stop and feel of everything. If he needed something, he would never take what was on top. (Our daughter does the same). So, going places without him is very sad, but not strange. Him being gone, of course is devastating, our time together lost is devastating, but I am able to be among other people without anything but my regular anxiety. But, after Billy lost most of his family, my family, all of them became his, and they loved him. He was my sister's "big brother." Sure miss that boy.

No, I moved back to Louisiana as fast as I could. My mom was ill, and this was our old home, born, graduated, married, kids graduated here too. Sister is here. Nothing in AR without Billy except a house and I leased it. Don't want to go back period. I live in an apartment, a place Billy would never have gone to but I had to hear people all around me. We lived in a paradise but it wasn't so without Billy. The quiet was so loud I had to leave. Lots of noise here. I am as happy as I am going to be. But, here in Louisiana is home.

Darrel, Billy retired as supervisor of the lab for DOTD. We moved to AR for 18 years and I came back trying to find an essence of what used to be our life. I am home, but he is not down here either. We still reach for things though. AR was home as long as he was there. He left, I left. Lots of flat land and water here. Interstates being worked on all the time, must be this mudbug/crawdad mud in this part of the country that makes you truckers have to wait in long lines. Will see how tomorrow goes.

Well, I am starting my morning off on my little road trip. One of my "just go" trips. First one terrorized me. Second one I really enjoyed. I think I will take a Xanax before I go. Don't worry, I've driven often after taking one. People are safer if I have had one. Will see if that helps or harms.

Words for us to live with and live by. Thanks George. Today has been sorta tsunami instead of gentle waves hitting.

Thank you Anneu. Beautiful.

Another thing, Billy gave our son the RV. Scott said I had agreed. I am not saying I didn't, I just do not remember this at all. I think knowing Billy was leaving had already affected my mind to such a degree I would forget nearly anything. Scott reminded me that I had said "no, I am going to use it" and I can remember making plans to use the RV, which meant I knew he was dying. Now I have no memory of this, just the time after he passed, I remember for a few days being big and strong and brave. Maybe the mind does protect us sometimes. I was not going to let Billy go. That is all I remember. But he did anyhow. Addendum: Son just came by on his way to NM. He was already stressed (his lady and her cat), now has to go to AR to leave her with family because she is afraid she will get altitude sickness. People have different emotional entanglements. I already told her and him that Billy and I could never be away from each other that long. Even the six weeks we separated we saw each other every day. Oh well, cannot help that. Leader of the GriefShare called me and said I was missed. (It was pouring down rain that night). All I can think is "Oh Lord won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz" and I have not been listening to Janis Joplin.

“Relationships take up energy; letting go of them, psychiatrists theorize, entails mental work. When you lose someone you were close to, you have to reassess your picture of the world and your place in it. The more your identity was wrapped up with the deceased, the more difficult the loss.” ― Meghan O'Rourke My identity was Billy. It seems for more years than I have been living. After these, what? 17 months, I still have moments I cannot believe it. I just looked up into the sky as I am typing and there is a distinct cross where two jets have crossed paths. I live close to Barksdale. And in another place, another cross. Where is my magical mind? Billy took it with him and I wish he would give it back. My own health is precarious, even though I can still move around like I always could (except I do have the tin man syndrome) from not moving my joints. I don't go to doc's except for checkups cause they cannot fix me. If my fever goes up, I have to go. So, I take my MiraLax and my temp and my Xanax. Antibiotics are not good for my "innards." I've got to find enough money somewhere for Mama's succession, (even though I legally signed everything over to my sis.) It costs to die in Louisiana. But, we have to try to save the house for her, and that is on my mind. I should get enough income tax return for that. My daughter is running off to another state that she has no idea what living there is like, but Carrie Fisher's saying "Instant gratification is not fast enough" fits the bipolar disposition. My son is leaving for a month in New Mexico. Job training. Other than worrying about them driving, that does not bother me too much. My sister fell and did not tell me, but showed me a week later (so I would not worry) and she cracked her head too, but seems to be getting around okay. I'm putting this here because I am too lazy to start a new thread. I cannot go back to the GriefShare meetings. Last time was spent with us comforting a poor woman who had lost her son earlier (He was about my son's age and hit me hard.) Her husband before him. The meeting before was a woman who had been married about 40 years, lost her husband, married her neighbor widower and he had now passed. Actually, it is made up of more lost children, mothers and fathers than widows. One of our leaders said she knew she should "be over things" at three years, and I got to wondering "what am I doing here?" I shared some of my "'words of wisdom" with these other Baptist women and I got a few strange looks. (Wonder why?), anyhow I feel kind of like my son said he felt going to NA meetings, they just made him want to go home and do dope. These meetings make me very sad. I wasn't looking for elation, but I was not looking for more sadness either. My friend who introduced me to this group, she is a strong Christian worker in this church, I feel I have let her down. Don't need that guilt. I think sometimes you know what is best for yourself. You are not running, you are not hiding, you are taking time for "scar tissue" to form. I think God has put enough interruptions in my life that Billy is encouraging him "keep her busy." I am busy. I don't know which chapter this is of my book, but I will finish for today.

Marita, I didn't know the difference between empathy and sympathy before Billy left. I would not have known it with my mom and dad passing. It had to hit me solid in the chest, in my heart, before I could tell the difference. I am afraid I might have said some crass and unempathetic things to friends who lost loved ones. I even remember years ago telling one of my friends she was young and pretty and there would be someone else. I would not say that now. And, I am lucky to still have her for a friend. Many of my friends lost husbands but I still had mine. Until you lose the most important part of your life, you cannot offer empathy. They will learn, and that is sad because we know how much they will hurt. It does not give us pleasure to know that eventually they will learn. But, I guess there will still be cold hearted souls that somehow will still be mean. Pity them. That is their problem. Stay away from them if you can. I still think of my friend dying of painful cancer, her brother a doctor, my boss, who would not refill or write a new prescription for pain medicine and her telling him that she hoped she lived long enough to see him hurt as bad as she did. She didn't. He could have gotten the pills, she was terminal then and all knew it. There are mean people and we cannot change them. But, this forum shows we all understand and we all have heard the hateful things, hurtful things. Does not cure their foot in mouth disease though.

My sister is a loner. She will eat out if invited, but otherwise does not mind eating out alone. She has come close to marriage a couple of times, but something turned her against it violently. Then again, she had her college and she loved college. Poetry and literature are her passions that no man could take their place. I have tried to convince her to just strike up a companionship with someone, man or woman. And, after taking care of Mama for 11 years, she is very jealous and protective of her alone time. She is teaching again, but with education like it is in Louisiana, she is not guaranteed a job that she is qualified for. She has no safety net. I guess we all do what we have to do to live, whether due to grief or just due to wanting to live a life alone, and liking it that way.

I like that. I have a lot of pains of doing something but I don't think of the pain of not doing it, just the implications of things happening if I don't do it. (Same song, second verse). We went out to eat. I never cared for it too much. Billy hated it. I liked ordering out. I liked going by the drive-by window. No, I usually went in and picked the food up inside. My arms are too short for that window. I even get out of the car to use the ATM. So, eating alone is no problem. Besides my granddaughter had rather eat in front of the TV anyhow. Talk about teaching bad habits. I have a beautiful solid oak table and chairs (daughter's house), My son would get his feelings hurt if we used anything but paper plates and TV trays, coffee table, lap. Guess I truly am a southern country redneck.

Dr. L., there is no good time of the year. We just look for softer places to fall. I have seen members disappear, somewhere, but think they are hiding in their grief. I do know a couple of my friends that remarried but the little woman that had heart surgery the day she was remarried (I think the stress, probably guilt too, was too much for her.) She looked up at me from her automatic wheelchair and said "Its not the same." We all try to reach for a tiny sliver of sunshine in this whole rotten time. I will tell you at first I welcomed the numbness that came on ever so often. Unfortunately, that left. I take care of my granddaughter who has social anxiety problems, so I am occupied most of the time. She does not have school today and I am thinking of getting in my "Ferris Yaris" the little Toyota clown car that should give me pleasure, and I think there is a measure of pleasure with it. Nothing like it should be. I am sorry you have to join us. We have lots of young people on here. I am not one of them. But, my experience does not make me smarter. "I was not old till Billy left" has become my most familiar quote. Somehow, the lyrics of "Hotel California" by the Eagles comes into play. (Also, after 17 months now, I have begun to cautiously listen again to music). Don't give up. I say the word "enthusiasm" has been lost from all of our vocabulary, but I was so happy to hear that emotion from one of our members. He deserves it too. Last thing I remember, I was Running for the door I had to find the passage back to the place I was before 'Relax' said the night man 'We are programmed to receive You can check out any time you like But you can never leave! (Hotel California, Eagles) This is a bunch of people who are going through the same thing you are on different levels, if there is such a thing. Keep reading and keep writing. We put our frustrations on here. Even when people dismiss our grief as shallow, we post that too. Because we know, and not in a good way, we know it will eventually be visited on everyone, and I can only hope they find the help of Marty and the people here. So, in that sense, welcome. (And you will find I am the wordsmith, too wordy most times.) I just looked up the word "wordsmith" and that is not what I am. I will stick with what I called them before, I write "word salads" and that does describe it.

I talk to Billy as if he could hear me, I'm not sure he does not. Butch, I wrote a whole lot more but I have this habit of "run on fingers." It is kinda like running a race and just running in place. I say the same thing. You are needed by your family. Right now you are tired. I know that feeling. I am tired also. You are just like me "you have promises to keep and miles to go before you sleep. RF" So don't give up yet. Gracie needs you, those boys need you. Katie and Allen need you. Rest up while you can. The world is not through with us yet. And when you least expect it, possibly like for George and his yen for flying, Sometimes when we least expect it, that word "enthusiasm" might appear. It's possible.

The year 2015, we did not know Billy was sick until after August 31st. We found out then about the aneurysm. In working up stomach pain a few days later in the ER, they found the cancer. He had had back pain from herniated disks since his late 30's, early 40's. We were not worried, the surgery had been perfected. Within a week we knew the cancer was all over him. I won't mention all the glands it had invaded, but thinking back, some strange things I attributed to age, might have been the aneurysm or the cancer. It was a shock. He had been going to doctors, squamous cell cancerous mole on his back, an irregular heart beat I had found on checking his blood pressure. His nephrologist twice a year. I did not suspect this cancer, he did not suspect it (that I knew of). Thankfully, or unthankfully it took him fast. I had printed out this picture below ironically at the starting of 2015. (We did not know he was sick, this was just how I felt.) It is Winnie the Pooh day again this year. Honestly, last year this time I could not have brought this memory up in print.

Most of these women come from this church. Karen, I admire you so much, and it scares me so much to lose a child, or grandchild. Billy and I both would have given our life for any of them. This woman just wants to know why and how. I think there were three men who died. I don't know how they died, but it was when we had a cold snap so it could have been hypothermia, maybe if they had been drinking. I am just guessing. I know when Scott got shot, they would not even give me his glasses from the police station. He was in a place he should not have been and dope was involved. He got off, but never got his glasses back. He was shot in the leg, major artery, and had enough sense to tie off his leg with his coat. It was touch and go for a long time. They tried to operate and he would lose so much blood they would have to sew him up with him coding. That was one of the reasons we gave up RVing. The forest rangers had to come find us up in the Gila Wilderness in NM. I called my work and they kept me up on his condition but even then they did not tell me about the coding, only that he was shot in the leg. The leg, so that's not such a big thing. I didn't know the details. I even talked to his doctors who I had worked personally with and found out the details. He had so much blood pumped into him we did not recognize him he was so blown up/swollen from the transfusions. And, he did get off drugs, but his son hasn't, where ever he is. I could not go to the cancer survivors meetings. It was too soon, it was too painful. I could see many results that were not going to be positive and I went into denial. Might still be in denial. Like I said, Karen, I admire you. Proud of you.

Well Karen, I was sorta comatose but I did have relatives in the room who ran to cover me up, and who also have never let me forget it. Gin, I am sorry you are feeling ill. Billy emptied enough bedpans for me (never acted like it bothered him at all, he would have been a good nurse), but I always wanted to be "sick" by myself so I would not wake him at night. And I am no nurse, but I don't agree with them letting you have a fever and chills and not letting you have blankets. I hate that. I grew up on Vicks Salve, Milk of Magnesia, Benadryl, and lots of blankets for chills. Oh and chewing aspirin gum, the orange kind, I loved that stuff. Guess that was why I needed the Milk of Magnesia.

These weekly meetings are kind of bothering me. I will go tomorrow. They are not teaching me anything really. I have met the thing I dreaded, the mother who just lost her son. Okay, that sounds selfish. I am supposed to be wanting to help people. OMGosh, I want to go first, but I wanted to go first anyhow. There are not many widows. They had me go to the cancer survivors meetings years ago. I could not stay. I am not a timid person. Two grown children leaving out of state very soon, one going to meeting, another going somewhere I am sure she is going to have to have help getting back. (moving) My sister is getting to teach literature, which she loves, and hopefully the colleges will keep enough money to keep her working. She is happy. We still have to take care of expensive stuff for Mama. Didn't have succession in AR. I signed everything over to her but about the cheapest we can go with it is $1500. Kinda like them putting me on the psych ward and then expecting me to eat family dinner with crazy people. Did I say life is stranger than fiction? Well, some people are anyhow.

Gin, the night I passed out and they thought I was going to die, I would not let anyone take me to the hospital. I told them they used doctors from other hospitals week-ends in the ER and I didn't want to go. Well, I passed out with Billy, Kelli, Scott, and Bri all there and they took me by ambulance (I had quit arguing or even knowing I was in existence. When they were taking me off the ambulance I saw two little girls sitting on each of the steps of the ambulance. Obviously, sometimes, we don't know what is going on. (No one else saw them, wonder if they were angels.) The fever was high and the thing they do now is expose you to the cold. So, I took my gown and pulled it up to my neck to get warm, flashing everyone. (They gave me a sheet). So sometimes it does not matter how many people you have with you. When Bri moves out, I will get me one of those "life alert" necklaces.

My uncle is in his 80's. When Billy passed he wanted me to bury him in the family plot. I said I was keeping the ashes in a wooden urn. I don't think that was too foreign to him as his wife wants cremated. When we put Mama's ashes away he brought me the deeds to the plots, so I guess my mind was made up. That is fine with me. Billy lost all his family early so my family was his too. We will be behind my mom and dad, next to my uncle and aunt and catercorner to my granddaddy and mammaw. As good a place as any.

Well, I definitely feel I am obsessed with it. No one tells me that though. I did have one widow friend tell me "your still young in your grief" when I asked her if she ever talked to her husband. Oh, I doubt I will make it 10 more years, my family, all the women lived long, but they did not have some of my problems. But, if I do live 10 more years, I will still be talking to him and still be obsessed with him. I hardly ever look at his urn anymore. I don't think about it. I like the note I have taped to it "Love you, be back by noon." I do have to get preparations made behind my mom and dad's stone for a stone for me and Billy. They will put our ashes together and I think they bury the box about 24-26 inches. Don't remember for sure. So, I have "promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep." RF.