Margm

I knew it was not written for me. Mama used to say if they want to punish me, just whip the person beside me and it will hurt me the most. That is because I pick up guilt strewn around as if it was gold. Bad habit.

Every family has been touched by drugs and the wrecking of lives and families it has entailed....We need Harsher penalties for distribution, including bogus prescriptions. (Kevin) My son went to California, he had a place open in rehab (for my grandson) in Arkansas. His son hid out from him. Scott went into places that the police told him he was lucky to get out alive. They cautioned him against it. Yet, a newspaper picture of my grandson with a large knife and a policeman only kept him in jail maybe three days. He is harmful to himself and others. His mom and dad both want him committed, but the government will not do it. They will keep him 2-3 days, then he is let out. No one pays his bail, they just let him out. Where is the three strike rule that used to be in effect? Trump does not speak softly, and I don't know if his hands are big enough to carry a big stick, but once drugs get a hold on people, like alcohol, sometimes they are like a train without brakes heading down a steep mountain. My beautiful cousin, inside and out beautiful died of alcohol poisoning in her 16-year-old son's arms. What a legacy to leave. And Karen, and those that have lost children, this happened about 15 years ago and her little Mama is just withering away. The son married and thankfully no one else has the habit, but we definitely have the addiction gene.

Well, at least you meet three times a week with your support group rather than only once.

I will take this survey, except not right now. I have read it and understand she is searching for information, but somehow my mind is stonewalling right now. I'm not wanting to explore yet. I definitely am not interested in any gift cards for taking the survey. Somehow I'm gonna have to think on it. I don't know why (personal insanity) but it kind of opens wounds right now and I might have questions, but also am not sure I want answers. And, I understand it is totally anonymous, somehow it hit a nerve. I understand it is totally of our own free will. Grief is a strange animal that can consume a person with just a word.

Oh George, could it possibly be, mighten it really happen, would we hope that some sort of mystical magical word like "enthusiasm" might come into your life? You see, we know how low we all have been and when we see someone that looks forward with a little hope, it makes me think it is possible for any of us. Thanks George and I sure hope you can maneuver things into position to make this happen. Sounds wonderful. Addendum: And just think, you got to meet the mythical KATPILOT along with his son, and he got to meet the mythical IPraiseHim also. See, we really are real people.

Okay, there we go with those dates. Made me think, tomorrow is 16 months for me, but the dates are still 365 days a year, 24/7, Sunday through Saturday midnight. Maybe time does protect our brain with a layer of scar tissue on the wound, (to quote Rose Kennedy), but each day is another day without them. I think when I am driving, I talk to Billy when I am driving, and he has not talked back yet. That in itself shows me he is gone. He would be "talking back" to some of the things I am saying. I used to say "Billy, I cannot feel you near me" and I would cry so much I would have to get off the road. Now I just say "Well, its for sure your not going to answer me and for sure you are not coming back. I still am not angry at you, I know you would if you could." I don't cry every time, and I don't have to pull off to the side of the road. So, I guess that is a baby step forward. Billy was tall and lanky. I am short and..........well, fluffy.. But last night, I could ghostly feel my head on his shoulder. Even then, I knew he was not there. Kinda made me think maybe some of my mystical-magical thinking might be returning. I read one person's poem, or dedication to grief and don't know where I saw it. It described grief like walking in the ankle deep water of the ocean, lake, river and feeling the waves hitting at our ankles and sometimes it hits us like a full blown tsunami..

One of my friends (my daughter's friend actually), has made her truck into a "Cowboy" monument of sorts. Her site has pictures of this truck all over FB. It won the "ring of honor" or something of honor among the club's group. The group is obsessed with the Dallas Cowboys. Now, that is an obsession. Spending your last penny, other people's last penny, trying to put a cowboy logo on every part of that truck that does not have a clear space. He/she also has tattoo's over every part of her/his body. She thinks if she does not have male apparatus, she will have the trappings on her/his person that make her a man. That is an obsession. Making a shrine of sorts to your lost loved one is not an obsession.. Thinking of them constantly is not an obsession. We are in grief. Last night I sat on the end of the bed and if anyone had seen me they would have thought I had lost it. I felt my head on his shoulder with his arm around me. If I am obsessed with him, then I am obsessed with just wanting him to hold me again, just protective arms around me. The moment felt like he was there. My family all have OCD to a point, but the he/she with the truck, that is an obsession. Our loved ones are an obsession I want to have forever, with less pain, if possible. I met another woman that was 13 years out. She is not "over it" yet. I don't believe we ever "get over it." Do not want to. Would like scar tissue build up though. Rose Kennedy was correct when she said our minds protect themselves and put scar tissue on the wound, but time does not heal all wounds.

You and Butch have the cutest grandchildren. Babies always make me smile. Good pictures, hang on to them. We had a lot made when ours were young. They thought they were our kids. Now the boy, who is in his early 30's is lost somewhere in California. He is not ready to give up the dope, so I hope he makes it. He is homeless and prefers that life over a family existence. He has a little girl but cannot see her. So sad. Keep posting those pictures. Baby pictures always bring smiles. We need that sunshine.

I loved medical transcription because it was a series of partial words, put together meaning other things. After you got your prefixes and suffixes in line, you could understand this whole different language. I knew a couple of the meanings to the words in the article, Marty. One word I do not remember ever hearing, so I learned a new word that I can forget three minutes from now. The word was dissonant. I am glad the men on our forum are not worried about "instrumental or intuitive". I honestly feel I go through the whole range. And I am so happy our guys, (maybe not being "seen" has something to do with it) are free and honest with their emotional pain. I hate it that any of us has to go through with it, but I do think that bottling it up, not feeling it and letting it show, eventually it will come out, and maybe not in a good way. I wonder if the pain of losing my mother will ever hit me. I was almost the same with my dad. I loved my parents and they did the best they could with what they had. They used the modalities they were taught and never read Dr. Spock. Probably never heard of him. But, I am a loving person, I know I am, but I wonder when my grief for my parents will come out. I would prefer it didn't. Strange, I see my sister having the same problem.

Kevin, I never got into that Mars/Venus stuff, but being with one man for nearly 55 years, I know the difference in attitude and in responses. When Billy and I got married, because I was not working (his wife was not going to work), he said marriage was 75/25. Guess who was the 25. Billy had had a rough childhood and did not trust women because of his mom. His sister and he used to follow her on her escapades. Even had a date with the funeral director by the time the funeral of Billy's dad was over. I was supposed to be barefoot and pregnant. Even if I crossed my legs in my "tomboy" way, which I was a tomboy. I took his abuse (not physical), for 9 years and then when I went to work I paid him back for the abuse. We were able to talk about it later on. He understood my side and forgave me. Knowing he was no angel, if I had not already "paid him back" I would have been looking for revenge. We talked about that too. We were two of the happiest married couples ever (the last 20-30 years) but before that it took a lot of fighting to keep it together.. Billy was a "MAN" but he learned to reach his feminine side by becoming my partner. And, that makes me so happy that I can see real men admit their feelings. I know Billy would have admitted his, and he might have gone to a grief meeting. He had mellowed out those 20-30 years. But, if I had it to do over again, all the bad and good, I would not change a single thing. He was a good guy, he just had to be trained. So did I. Anyhow, it does my heart good to see men come on here and talk about their pain. (I know that sounds cruel) and I don't mean it to be. I just know, even though there is a difference in men and women, when it comes to grief, we are all on common ground. And, I know there are men out there that think they have to suffer through this, and they do, we all do, but finding out there are other sufferers, sufferers of the same sex, Venus and Mars are not that different. (I don't think I would like that book). I believe in equal pay for equal work. But, and this is my old woman coming out, I think men are better equipped to do some things we women cannot do. (Like be on the front line in a war). I don't like women preachers (yeah I will catch hell about that), and I don't like women announcing my football games. (And I wish I had never watched Mike Strahan in Magic Miike. I just cannot watch him announce sports).

Kevin, you gotta know I was teasing. I love you guys on here and wish there were some around in these parts that would share with the women. You have got to know that the men probably do not even know we are meeting. I know one that approached me to talk at the car dealership that had been married for 49 years. He wanted to talk. So we talked. We all want to talk, we have to know that what we feel is felt by us all. We all need help, male and female. And, I still think there are men who have lost their wives in that big church who would get help. I have another friend that lost his wife after over 50 years and he lives about 500 miles away and he is hurting. I think in the larger cities there would be more involved. I have already mentioned it twice and I am afraid if I mention it again they are gonna think this old lady is looking for a grieving widower. But, I do think I will mention it to the other leader, who is one of the pastors of the church. You see, being in this forum before the group, I know how our talking it out helps, some.. But meeting once a week does not help people as much as having somewhere to go when help is needed, maybe at midnight some night and usually there is someone to talk to. Meetings once a week are okay. I will keep going. But then again, maybe the women would be uncomfortable. Maybe I'm just a wild crazy woman. (I would not deny it). Talked to my daughter about maybe quitting the meetings and I got my first negativity from the family. Surprised me. Maybe she was not listening.

Nah, for the time being I am also Baptist, just a backsliding one. Addendum: And, I think you will make a magnificent leader of widows. Actually, I think we only have about 4-5 widows and the rest are there for parents, children, and accompanying other people as visitors. I did ask my friend why no men came to the meetings. She very honestly told me that there were men that had lost their wives, but they usually remarried. (Sorry guys on this forum, I honestly was hoping we would have some true blue loving men like you have been, but maybe it is a southern country redneck thing that prevails in these parts...........again, it could be because they are Baptists) Sorry Kay, I had to throw that one in.

I think many of us can honestly say we have heard that song.

Karen, you are one of the reasons I know going to my meetings are going to be hard. I hope I am gone before I lose my child. Listening to the woman cry for a reason, and I don't know if she meant "why now" or "what killed my son." This was scar tissue tearing away from me. I sometimes think I am healthier than my two children, and have one grandson that we do not know is alive or dead. I lost my mom and dad both and neither times did grief consume me. My aunt passing away hurt me more. What kind of person am I that I cannot grieve my parents? I miss them, but nothing like missing Billy. I want to leave myself before I have to face worse. I am a coward.

Made me think. (I don't like to think.) It was Saturday morning at 7:30 a.m. I thought about it for weeks, but eventually it was another day on the calendar of grief.

I spend a lot of my quiet mornings, while Bri is still asleep, reading from my many grief books and articles. I cannot remember where I got this quote, seems like it might have been from one of Marty's articles she gives us, and we sometimes remember, even if we have a crystallized brain. Words might not be correct, but it is the image I got from it. You see, I quit really counting the date of the month of Billy's passing. I won't say that I forget every month, sometimes I still do, but what made so much sense to me was someone saying "Death is a date on a calendar, grief is the calendar." Might have got that wrong. My two books with my daily grief notes "Grief One Day at a Time" by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D (I have one of his books also and this man speaks to me), and the other book with daily readings is called "Healing After Loss, Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief" by Martha Whitmore Hickman. I admit, Wolfelt speaks to me more distinctly than anyone. But the strange thing was, I felt the need to read them this Saturday morning, nothing special happening except the disruption of my mind from the GriefShare meeting, and I saw I had not read them since November. Why? I have no idea. I wish you all as good a week end as is possible.

Don't know Gin. My friend went with me last time. Her husband has been gone 7 years and she is almost completely deaf. She would have gone with me this time, but I was not afraid to go alone. A beautiful woman and a wonderful Christian. I honestly have been on this forum for so long that I just feel like "I know more than they do." Well, that is putting it bluntly. I speak up and am not a bashful person, but last night we had a new member her grown son had been found dead in the deer hunting woods on New Years and she has no answers. She cried and cried and just wants answers. I feel so bad for those that have lost children and I knew this was going to be a problem with me. I have some ill feelings about a Baptist Church, in fact, probably Baptist in general. It is kind of like I have picked up where I left off the last time I was in church. I am going to finish out this grief group and maybe my feelings will turn around. I think hearing about the church the woman had gone to so long and no one came to help her in any way. I just don't think I want to be Baptist anymore. I really like the Catholic faith and while I was so ill looking at the cross on the wall and the nun coming to pray over me. (No one told me I was supposed to die, so I didn't.) I just like the symbolism of this church. I worked for a Catholic Hospital for 10 years. I think somehow going into the chapel at the state hospital and them stripping Christianity symbols from this room, I think my anger must have started there. I wanted to feel a closeness and it was like God was locked out. But, I do have to remember, there are other religions too. They have to be recognized. But walking into that room that day I felt defeat and somehow being in the Baptist Church again, I don't feel defeat so much as anger. I will finish it out, I will talk to the pastor, but I have to examine myself and my feelings and I think I just did that. Thanks Gin.

Your partner sounds like a cracker jack. She tried to fight back and I do not know her, but maybe she will have a suit against the owner where the owner might have to leave things alone. No, I cannot even go back to where my house was, I know that was terror for you.

Oh Butch, she is adorable. She just made me smile. Smiles on our forum are very few and when you post Gracie's picture I do smile from the heart. Thank you for sharing her with us and you are all in our thoughts and prayers. I hope you and Gracie get a good nights sleep soon. Maybe you will have to try to sleep during her daytime nap too.

In our meeting last night, one of our directors said she knew it had been three years for her, and she was alluding to the meaning that she should be "getting over it." I told her no, your not getting over it, you will never get over it. She is a sweet woman and sort of a beautiful attitude and I don't mean she is hyper at all. But, she did break down. I will have to talk to her. I had a different reaction last night, actually more anger than usual and I did not hang around and "make friendly" with anyone. I just plain left, still angry. This is my chance to regain my faith, why anger? I will do more exploring. One woman had been a member of a church for 26-28 years. During her husband's illness no one visited or called. She is very easy to get to know. No one came after he passed away and she quit going. This church the meetings are held is the biggest church in town. I don't know. I don't know, I just don't know anything. I know this church has committees that handle all of this, I cannot understand why that other woman's church acted like that. But, after my dad passed away no one came to see Mama, when she was sick after breaking her hip, no one came. Okay, I will admit, Mama was sort of like trying to pet a diamondback rattlesnake, but Christian's are supposed to offer help.. Maybe I am old fashioned. I must be. I think there is an afterlife. I believe that or I would already be gone by my own hands. I just was not sure if I would follow Billy. We are taught to believe and it is not something that I really want to question too much. I think the (legal) amphetamines may have crystallized part of my brain back in the 70's, so I try not to think too hard on such things. I had rather accept. It suits me. And, that's all I have to say about that.

My heart is with you Amy, in fact, my heart is with us all. 365 days, Sunday through Saturday night, 24/7. Beautiful blog.

Kevin, I know those boys grew into handsome men. My granddaughter has beautiful black hair. Adorable picture. Would love to see a picture of all of you and the grandchildren also.

I don't know how they do these things nowdays, if ever, but I have had them give information to me. Sometimes I use my special wobbly voice (sometimes I cannot help that voice), but tell them who you are, maybe even cry a little, tell them how far away you are and there is no one there but him for you to talk to. Unless he has specifically put on his hospital orders not to talk to anyone, they might/should/maybe will talk to you. When I fill out anything about who I should let know about any illness I have I always put "everyone, anyone that asks" I need all the help I can get. Or you could leave your phone number and have them ask him if they can talk to you. Does he have a wife "next of kin?"

Used to buying a new car was fun. I just let this little puppy follow me home and he gets a bunch of miles a gallon and I think Billy would have liked it for me. He knew how I liked the tiny clown cars and he liked Toyota, but there was no real excitement. There has to be excitement. I get scared, I get tired, I get depressed (have done this all my life), and I get terribly sad when a friend loses a husband or wife (and as my friend Hettie told me "Margaret, we are getting the age we lose our friends." I lost a good friend when he was only 17. I am losing them faster now. I just want enough time to get this granddaughter started in her life. That is not "enthused" though, that is a rough, ghostly determination.

Girls, I used to manufacture it, but someone took it with him.