Margm

Yep, warning, prayers and blessings too. George, I hope your family's health improves tremendously, For this family, for Kay's family, her fur baby, and for Butch's family, I wish the best. Please, Christmas is supposed to be the day of Jesus's birth, and we all know it is just the date observed. Other religions do not recognize this date, some people do not recognize this occasion. But for whatever religion you view, or if you view none at all, in your hearts please think of ways to lift up your own, and the rest of the people on this forum, and everywhere. We have each had a rough time. Sometimes it is easy to crawl into our own little hole and pull the dirt over our own problems, but we have to remember those that do have it worse than us. I always think, when I think about my own problems (and I have a bunch), about griping because I have no shoes until I saw a man with no feet. No matter how bad we have it, someone has it worse. I am thankful for the crazy family I have left, and I miss my crazy family that have gone on. We never had a washing machine with "normal" as a guide. Bless you all and my mustard seed of faith will lift up prayers and hope they go further than the ceiling. Your all in my heart.

Sometimes my shaking hands play tricks with what I have shaded. This is just an addendum to my other post. I could fix it I am sure, sometimes my mind gets more tired than my fingers.

I am stealing this. I want it framed. Thank you. My Rose Kennedy quote hits me where I live. This Greg Yoder quote has to be me. Maybe I can make it sink into my fossilized heart and brain.

Joyce, you said it just in the right words. "Holding on" is all any of us can do. We all "hold on" under different circumstances, but that is all any of us can do. You hold on the best way you can. Mitch has to hold on the best way he can. Kay holds on the best she can. Steve, Kevin, Brad, Bill (I know your still out there Bill), George, all you guys. And, I am targeting you because I love all your devotion to your mates. We all have different hearts, but our love was so great that our loss is pretty much all the same. I have put this on here before, but it spoke to me. I have not lost a child, but I do have some severe mental problems in my family (probably inherited from me), but Rose Kennedy said she married for love. I believe her.. Her husband was a rascal, but we have all known rascals, might have even been one ourselves. I believe this: It has been said that time heals all wounds. I don't agree. The wounds remain. Time - the mind, protecting its sanity - covers them with some scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone. Rose Kennedy So, we will all keep picking up the pieces of a life interrupted, and we will do the best that we can, each and every one of us. The best Merry Christmas to you all, the best we can muster up.

I'm sorry Kay. Of course Arlie is a valued member of your family and something that helps keep you going. I hope everything smooths out with him. I know you value his company so much. My heart is with you. My daughter's cat Peaches, that she rescued and then bottle fed, Peaches has used up at least eight of her life's and is about to lose her 9th. She is an inside cat who wants to live outside. The two years she stayed with us we had her bed in the garage with a heating pad. She loved being out in the wild and a neighbor would call that she could not coax her down out of a tree. Of course she came down on her own. She is so old now though that she could not do those maneuvers. Moving to Louisiana they lost her in New Mexico and stayed over 8 hours waiting for her, looking for her. It took them three days to get home because my daughter was ill. They heard a "meow" coming from the moving van. It was cold. That cat had survived over three days without food or water hid in the box springs of a bed. Now she is losing her and they recommended putting her to sleep. She has seizures and Kelli just gives her the medicine the doc prescribed. That 9th life is almost gone. They are part of the family for their special personalities and loving ways. I hope for the best.

This is so unique. What a compliment. Congratulations Patty, you must be the best. and hugs too.

Letting our kids grow up is necessary, but hard. Forgetting a sister, or father or mother, letting them suffer is not something you can teach them. And, you cannot sit by and watch them starve to death or suffer. You do what you can, and then when you cannot do any more, you suffer with them.

I would get so excited that Santa never came on Christmas Eve. One year he came December 9th. Somehow, after the grandchildren were moved to California when they were 9 and 6, Christmas became ho-hum. We still had it every year of course. Still went to relatives for part of Christmas but they were all close. I went to my friend's house the other day. She had her table sat with Christmas plates, glasses, cloth napkins, silverware on each side of the plate. Heck, my bunch always got Christmas paper napkins, plates, and plasticware with 16 oz red plastic cups. This year I will arrange boxes as tables to hold food, put a paper tablecloth on them and we will eat on TV trays. We ditched the silverware and glass plates back in my aunt and uncle and grandparents times. I see kids outside now playing with remote operated cars, three riding some kind of contraption like a board they put their feet on, balance and they have lights that surround it. Battery powered boards. (I sound like my grandma now), but looks like other parents did not wait till Christmas Eve. My mom and dad might let Santa come on Christmas Eve, but usually it was the ritual of Christmas day and I have got to say, I always got what I asked for. Mama would sit things up under the tree, books, paint sets, always a doll, dish set, fruit scattered under the tree and all kinds of nuts scattered with swirly Christmas candy. My daughter tried to start the times of wrapping every present from Santa for the grandkids. I am the Scrooge.

And, that is what Billy and I have been all our lives. Bless his heart, for the boy I married that was afraid of responsibilities, he sure had to learn fast and we put ourselves last the whole time. Well, he left me able to take care of a couple of us very easily, but not everyone. Takes awhile to get acclimated to walking with one leg you know.

You know that you have to do something but remembering what it was Sometimes has to be left to one second ago because it does not exist in this moment. Yesterday I stepped down from the day before. We are supposed to be going forward. I had/have things I have to do. I have business still that I have to take care of. I have three other "family units" that I need to help, but the enablers that Billy and I were together has halved. I am wrung dry. Yet, I know I cannot let any go hungry just because they are too intelligent to take care of what has to be done. We no longer have the big house that was a revolving hotel. They are all facing a crises I cannot handle. Sometimes you do have to just let go and they have to see the well is dry. It is a lot harder not being able to help than it is to help, but you really cannot get blood from a turnip. Yesterday morning my mind just wanted to protect itself by sleeping. I don't do that. I do not sleep in daylight. I have dream amnesia, but still I have woke up mornings knowing I had dreamed of life with Billy, friends we had known, just carrying on daily life, sometimes not making any sense. Dreams don't have to make sense, but Billy being in them was a taken for granted thing, not a miracle, just everyday life. I will take that. In the meantime I really do have "promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep" and we don't know when that might happen, but somehow, if given time, we have to prepare for it so we will not be a burden on those left behind. I never thought of life like that, sometimes if you have time, you have to prepare for being gone.

This guy sings it with such power that it touches me.

Thank you so much for letting us know. I know Noah has a long road ahead of him, but the news sounds so much better and than you for sending pictures of Gracie. A smile along with hopeful news. Prayers for Katie, Allen, and you along with the little ones and special for Noah.

My avoidance of music was rock hard in my head. I could not listen to anything. Oh, I could listen to my granddaughter's little group called 5-SOS. I tried listening to Journey. Could not do it. Now after 14 months, music has slowly crept back into my life. I grew up to nothing but country. Daddy sang me to sleep with it and I woke up each morning to KWKH in Shreveport to the old guys singing the old country, because that was the olden times. Never took part in anything but Elvis, The Pretenders, Buddy Holly, and Frankie Valli in my younger years, but mostly country. I listened to music at work at night, I was by myself. Country. Billy didn't really ever care about music. When my dad passed away, the music more or less went with him. Very slowly I have watched the award shows and music. Then I heard something that was ground breaking for me. An old song. "The Sound of Silence" sung by a man from a heavy metal band (which I would have avoided), the man's name is David Draiman, I think, but the group is called "Disturbed." This song spoke to me, this old song told me why I am living in this apartment house with a group of kids right now playing in the windy cold, playing basketball right in the park in front of my window, across the street. Making noise. Noise that I hear at night, in the morning, in the daytime. It is the most beautiful song sung by this man and I don't know how to put it on here. You have to go to You Tube and listen to him. Just one step forward for me. I hear music. Maybe I can look at pictures one day.

Gin, my son is bipolar and had just been diagnosed with hep-C. The treatment caused severe depression, so he elected to wait and almost waited too late. He had the year of treatments and it was not pretty. We had him living with us to be there for him and to take him to the VA where he gets his treatments and other medical needs. It was like going through chemo with a cancer patient, and cancer of the liver is one thing he has to watch out for now. Honestly, sometimes VA treatment is wonderful, sometimes it is bad. But, we had Medicare and our group retirement insurance with our former employers, the State of Louisiana. Like I said, he made it through the treatments, but it was a year of living hell for him, and knowing this, for us too. His VA treatment is as good or better than we get with insurance we have had since retirement and sometimes it does not matter what kind of insurance you have, sometimes they let patients with good insurance die in the ER just waiting for treatment. Unfortunately, I know this too well. I have not read up on the Keppro, but by law they have to tell every side effect that has ever been reported to a medicine. One of the side effects of penicillin is a black hairy tongue. In my over 40 years of typing symptoms, it was only in my last year before I retired that a patient had a black hairy tongue. It is good to look at side effects, especially if you might be allergic to some ingredient in the drug. But, all of those side effects do not happen. They give out antidepressants like candy now, but some of these can cause diabetes, among other things. All but Wellbutrin cause weight gain, except maybe the newer ones. A second opinion is not unheard of, or maybe even a third. And, a doctor that is looking at his watch is probably one that has been given 15 minutes to be with a patient. This happens. My daughter was a nurse and there used to be some very caring internal medicine and family practice doctors.. I worked part-time for three family practice docs. One saw probably 15-20 patients a day. One saw a few less and the one who had long hair and a beard and looked like Jesus, he took as much time with a patient as he needed. He might not see but five patients a day. The internal medicine doctor my daughter worked for, everyone wanted to go to him. He was thorough, caring, and took time to know the patient. Well, he was not making as much money as his partners who might see 15 patients a day so they started timing him and the other doctor I worked for to 15 minutes to each patient. You can still find a caring doctor, but you might have to shop. Good luck with this and let us hear how it goes.

Marie, I cannot tell you how many times tonight I've said "you can't be gone" and I know he is and I'm at 14 months. He was just here. He can't be gone. But, finally at 14 months I do not see that final scene in the hospital. I don't know how, but I can block that out. But still, he can't be gone, how can he be gone. He was just here. I cannot cry until I get by myself, and then maybe I won't have to, but he will still be gone, no he can't be gone, and it goes on over and over. I used to could numb down by some power that just happened. My psychiatrist once told me that our brains can just take so much and then they do crazy things to protect us. I have not been able to do the disassociation that I could do when I had cancer, but I can put ear buds in my ears and listen to some strange little man try to hypnotize me. Stupid little fellow. I go to sleep.

Don't decorate, just buy a little fiber optic tree for each room. Then, if you want to take it down, take it down. i don't think I'll take mine down ever, until the little fiber optics quit.. Brianna decorated a big tree in her room but we both like the fiber optics best. They are interesting night lights.

That is what I typed for my last hospital, all their cardiology. When I worked in urology they had a camera from the OR in the doc's room and I can type the stuff, but I don't like watching it done. What was funny to me was when they would give out what each resident's job for the week would be the ones with the clinic jobs were so disappointed. They wanted to cut. Like I said, I could type it but could not watch it.

I know it was scary George. My friend (from high school) had it done a couple of years ago. No problems. So happy for you.

This is wonderful Kay, even more so because she has finally succeeded. Your family's own little Christmas miracle. Tell her to have faith in what Planned Parenthood says and that way maybe stress won't make her sick. My prayers will be with her.

Yep, I knew my Billy, and if it meant another man, he would want me to stay unhappy. That's okay. I'm good with that. You younger people, you have a lot more years ahead of you and you will have decisions to make yourself.

Congratulations Kay. I hear the happiness in your words. Rare commodity, but it does happen..

Sometimes I talk too much. I know words, I do not know the deep meanings. Gin, I hope things are turning out for the best. Please let us know. We need to hear from you and Butch. I went to my class party. You would be surprised how many husbands and wives still have their mates. I was surprised. We got through the hugging part, I talked to the women, I talked to the men. I am terribly surprised at myself for detecting a bit of paranoia in my reflections on the visit. The majority had been my playmates for 12 years. Of course we were no longer that playmate age. My cousin (boy) and I were very close and I ran around sometimes with boys. I was not loose. I was one of the guys. I was a "tomboy" but could be a very feminine tomboy if I needed to be. One said "You know, none of those other girls would come frog gigging at this time of night." I even fished at night with guys. Hey, I liked things like that. My reputation was not bad. I mentioned before, I never had written on the bathroom walls "for a good time call ?????" First time of seeing these guys in years and years. Husband's and wives......no, the husband did not interest me. I carried on conversations. Nothing was ever asked about Billy. At our age, I am not sure I would have recognized flirting. It never entered my mind that someone might have thought I might be "companion" looking. Honestly, if I want a companion, I will get a dog that does not shed too much. I definitely do not need their money, and they are not having mine. There were no widowers there. Some of my best friends were guys. It hit me at that party that someone might have thought I was shopping. I had never thought about that. That was far from true. But, it was the first one I had been to in 55 years of them having it every year. Shopping I was not doing. Interacting with "kids" I had known when I was 17 was what I was doing. Not sure I will go again. I found out a lot of things I really did not want to know. For one, none of us are 17 anymore. I also don't go frog gigging at night anymore.

Kay, anyone else, have we had any updates on Butch's family.

Gwen, it took Billy over 50 years to let me know he did not like green beans or cinnamon. Now I knew a lot he would not eat. but why wait so long? I have been fighting with myself not to take my morning Xanax. Some mornings I forget about it. If I am preparing even to get groceries I go full fledge into panic. I always liked to get groceries by myself. Sometimes by myself I have fear to even move. I know the shakes sometimes come from the medical condition of my ruptured colon repair and my belly. This cannot be helped. It is not like Billy shadowed my every step, but I knew he was there, somewhere. I think with him gone I am ALONE even around people. I wonder do we ever get used to it. I don't understand the fear and panic. But in all the books I read, it happens often in others, It mentions being "untethered" and makes me think of an animal on a leash, the leash is removed and the animal does not know what to do. Neither do I.

George, I wrote something but think I deleted it. I am so bad about that. Hope things come out excellent for your sister. I do know they have improved so much. I hope you get some rest. I'm afraid my 43 years of hospital working has jaded me against insurance, doctors, everything but nurses. We had some of the best nurses in our times in the hospital, cannot complain about them. The whole health system (to me) has turned into a terrible thing. I don't know what they will do about it. Little woman in the Dollar Store was happy because they finally got insurance, but it was $5000 deductible so she could not afford to get sick. We had a wonderful hospital system in Louisiana until the two term governor killed it. I think he did more damage than Hurricaine Katrina. I wish the best for your sister.