Margm

Lisa, you are in a good place. We cannot reach you physically, but mentally there has always been help. You have your hands full, you have family, you have responsibilities, and then when mental issues enter you have to deal with that also. It is said God never gives us more than we can handle. Sometimes I wish he did not trust me so much though. Lots of people do not talk about the religious part of some of our lives, but in my case, it might be standing 100 miles away from me, but I know it is there somewhere and sometimes it helps to lean on it, sometimes it does not. Hospice worker for my mom gave me a hospice book that surprised me. First chapter was involved with our anger with God. I can say anger is part of our life now, but so is helplessness, fear, anxiety and so many more emotions. But, if you have a feeling you cannot handle, come on here, we all have feelings we cannot handle at times. I am fixing to write on another post, we have bad days and we have numb days, and we have mindless days. Those are the days I enjoy the most. But we get slapped around by lots of feelings when all we want is peace and a small slice of happiness. That slice is so hard to find. But we are still alive, and there are those we have to stay that way for. You were hit young. I am so sorry. Keep reading.

Sometimes I am not mindful of anything. Sitting at my desk, it is in the same direction as it was in the house, sometimes I am not mindful of where I am. I have a beautiful lake about two blocks away. Used to be called "Turner's Pond." People fish from the banks often. Remember, this is Louisiana. I cannot swim, so I stay away from it, but just walking in the apartment complex would help. My mindless eating is problematic. I think we should enjoy eating rather than using it to fill that empty space inside we all have. Again, the quotes do not make me practice what they say, but they do make me mindful of my lack of respect for my own body or life. I guess things happen that way. You have to want to change bad enough to do it. Words are just words. Action is needed.

Your right, just marginal walks would help. I count that going to the washateria. I also do not have to eat fried chicken. For a long time now, I have not cared. Getting my granddaughter in school and counselor, trying to put a foundation under her is all I have thought about. I did visit a nutritionist and she could not believe the surgeon would be so strict. I know enough about nutrition to know fried is not the way to go. Maybe the move first, buying the car second (Bri has to learn to drive), and just reading that today. I think a lot of us do not care if we live or die, in fact, the latter sounds the easiest. I think it is the easiest. Living is hard. I buy the healthy stuff for my granddaughter, but I have got to start thinking of myself. Sometimes it is hard to practice what you preach.

I am not going into a word salad today. This is something that concerns all of us. Right now, I am overeating, eating for no reason other than to fill an empty space, and not exercising at all. I am on my feet a lot, and carrying around the extra weight hurts my legs and feet at night. I had quit reading my daily meditations, but today's really hit home. I will quote some of it. "When one is pretending, the entire body revolts." Anais Nin. I am remembering a Nat King Cole song lyrics "Pretend your happy when your blue, it isn't very hard to do." We know that is something that is hard to do. These are daily meditations by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. I don't know how he does it, but he talks to me, and sometimes I understand him. "Our grief is wily. It will try every means possible to get our attention. If we are ignoring, denying, or postponing our grief, it will often turn to our bodies as a means of expression. It will literally make us sick. Aches and pains, viral illnesses, autoimmune diseases, even cardiovascular and other systemic troubles often arise when we are not giving our grief the attention and expression it needs and deserves. (My body's health is, in part, a reflection of the health of my mourning.)" (These are all by Dr. Wolfelt. I don't take care of myself. I really have so many things wrong with me, and I can choose to ignore my diet entirely and die, or I can take the things that are wrong with me and try to make them work for me, until they won't. I do not have a colostomy, but 5-6 doctors recommended it. My surgeon had asked their opinions. He is a stubborn, sometimes angry man. He is also a healer and it tried something different than the other doctors told him to do. So far it works. But, he let me know that me and my condition scared him. Because of the damage caused with the ruptured colon and the overall sepsis, (I was supposed to die, they did not expect me to live, but they did not tell me this until I finished the cut-down antibiotics). The damage was caused all to my insides. The GYN doc told me they could do a D&C, but if they found anything they could not fix it. My theory on this is, why subject myself to the exams every year. I have not had a salad with lettuce and tomatoes since before March of 2014. I cannot have anything raw. Everything I can have is not good for me, so I drink a lot of Boost and Ensure. But, I definitely am not losing weight. I can have fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans. I do drink a lot of the V8 fruit/vegetable juices with Stevia and have not heard anything bad from my lab work. Sometimes, I think (and remember, I typed these medical reports for 43 years), that the senior citizens are not worried about as much as you younger people. So, all we can do is hope for the best, work for the best, and choose what is best for our health. It is known that grief pulls our immune systems down terribly. I need to get out and walk. At my home in Mount Ida, I walked all the time. There was the road called Golden Road next to our street. Billy's back had already made him where he could not walk, but this had been going on since his late 30's. He had a herniated disk that sometimes long walks would make him unable to use one of his legs. So, we went for short walks, or I walked our three miles by myself. I kept him on close cell phone reach because my colon was very iffy. Now, I do not long for those walks, if I was up there I could not walk those walks. I cannot even comprehend going back to the town, and I know that is not realistic. Maybe one day. For now, for my family, I have to start taking care of myself. And you always hope it is not too late. "promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep." Concentration tough at times, but think it was Robert Frost's quote. (If you read his biography, you know that man had grief all his life). Some people learn to live with their grief. I think we have to learn to live with it...........or not.

I'm honestly to the point I don't know what I like about weather. Louisiana has a lot of swampland, but it can get cold here. Not too much snow. I think I am still in that fog that does not too much matter, except making sure I help my granddaughter. Saw my son tonight, first time in about a month. He has been in training in NM. Goes back at end of January but taking the RV with him then. Sure a lot of snow buildup at that time of year on interstates. Fiddle dee-dee, I'll think about that tomorrow. Stay warm Kay.

We had a Toyota truck for 10 years before Billy gave it to Scott to pull the RV. The Ranger was easier for me to drive than the Toyota. Too big, but I sure hated seeing it go. I think Billy would have told me Toyota. I know Scott told me it was good to stick with the Toyota. What can I say, it followed me home. I'm glad you had good luck with it. My arms are so short I park to go to an ATM.

Believe me, we actually have cold weather down in the swamps. We had colder up in AR. I remember living up in the little mountains they had and it frosted on October 7th, one year. Stay safe and warm Kay.

No, I bought the Toyota Yaris yesterday. Don't want tickets. I think they will look at me as an insignificant blur.

I have read this over and over and I see the real Gwen in that sentence. You have love for these residents. You have fondness for them. You admire their connection to others and in that connection, you are involved. "They still are happy to see me" and somehow, I do feel your connection. If you were a mean person, no one would be happy to see you. They would ignore you. I see the real Gwen coming out, and believe me Gwen, I do not know who the real me is anymore. I am half a person. Even if he said I was him and he was me, sometimes I can feel him, sometimes it is an endless sky with me begging him to show me some sign, knowing he will not, he cannot, just like the children's story of the water bugs (not house water bugs), but he had promised the other bugs that if he should change he would come back and tell them about it. He got his wings and kept hitting the top of the water. He could not get to the ones he had promised to come back and tell. And his feels were "oh well, they will come soon enough and see this" and he flies off, very happy. Sometimes I can understand children's stories better than philosophical blabbering. No offence to the philosophical blabbering, this goes back to my child's mind. Like my hearing the voices above us walking the Signal Peak trail. I heard distinct voices of women. I asked Billy could he hear them. We stopped and listened. He said he heard them. It aroused my curiosity so much I asked around and read books about the area and it was a fact that people heard the voices. There was no one there. No place for them to go. We got to the top and they just were not there and there were no more trails, just wooded, rocky areas of forest. I felt an element of supernatural. I love supernatural. I mentioned it to someone back home and said even Billy heard them. Billy said "I didn't hear anything." I miss that boy.

This apartment really holds the heat and we have not needed the furnace. The maintenance man lives down the street a tiny bit, he told me to call on him anytime (he lives in an apartment also). Throughout my marriage, thermostats and me have warred. Billy would put a taped note beside the thermostat explaining to me if I wanted it warmer to touch such and such and vice versa. If it was just me, I would have worn a sweater. Bri does not complain about anything, but it got down to 32 last night, or was forecast to do that. I wanted to let the maintenance man have the week end off. I changed the batteries in the little box. There were no levers anywhere for heat or cold. Buttons to push, none said heat or cold, just up and down temperatures. Little bitty tiny things. Sometimes I feel like David with the slingshot and every problem is a Goliath. We are warm now. The front of the box opened if you pushed it just right in the middle. When I first got married I missed my mighty protector Daddy running around the house outside in all weather with his shotgun in his boxer shorts if I woke him hearing anything. Billy was more thorough, he told me to go check to see what it was. Still, after a lifetime of a man looking out for me, I will quote that song from Tammy Wynnette (I think) "Sometimes its hard to be a woman." I guess you men can say almost the same thing. Two things done last week. Car bought, thermostat challenge conquered. Billy would be proud of me about the thermostat, although if he had been here we would not have been in an apartment anyhow and I knew how to work the one on the RV.

Oh, I saw a small Jeep parked in front of the office yesterday. I had never seen one that small. It is a limited edition. I have no regrets. It is a nice silver little car for a sometimes not so nice silver old lady. I will get used to it. And, I love the payments and I also like the fact they will come anywhere to change my tire or anything else, no charge. I think they all have that now, but I sure didn't have it on my 2004 Ford Ranger, so I was afraid to travel much in it. I don't need a truck. I do need a hatchback. I got it. And those tires are so small I think I could take a big bag of rubber bands and just substitute them if I have a flat. I don't think I looked at a Honda, Kay. I'm glad I forgot about them, my mind was a splattered mess with just the ones I was looking at on the computer. To Billy's credit, I did look at a new color of purple they could order for me. Somehow, he told me to forget it. I forgot it. I wanted the cayenne red, but the silver one looks like all the others on the road right now, and it does what I wanted it to, so I am fine. One of my widow friends told me I did not need the cayenne red one. I probably didn't. And Kat, I have hijacked your very good news post. I am sorry because we all need good news.

Beautiful picture. We have so many traumatic things to go through. Billy let me pick out my cars, but I always had him with me. No, buying this car was more traumatic than excitement. There are so many reminders that we are alone. And, it does not matter if we are in the middle of 1000 people celebrating something, their celebrations do not lend themselves to anything but the fact that we are alone. But, don't get me wrong, I do not begrudge those people their excitement. There were so many memes going around of Obama and Biden. They were so funny. Biden found love again, but he just lost his son and he lost his daughter and first wife. We do not know what pain the people standing next to us have gone through. Patty, you have my hugs today too, and my heart. Does not help you, I know, but somehow we all share each other's shoes at one time or the other.

You know Kay, actually these days the only thing that excites me is a Sonic cheesecake shake. I guarantee you, I got a very good deal on this little car. Whenever before that I picked out my vehicle, I always picked out one that fit me. My sister-in-law would never pick out anything but a white Lincoln. Looks are not that important to me. It just has to fit me. That is like I buy a size 3X Tee shirt because I feel more comfortable when something does not sit on my behind. So, I buy a car for just the opposite. It has to sit on my behind and I have to be able to reach and see things all around me. In 1960, I drove my dad's new Chevrolet to Senior Day. That also was the year of the high fins in the back of vehicles. I could not judge distance and the vice principals new car fin took right down the center of my dad's new Chevy. Did not hurt the principal's car at all but did damage from the front to the back of my dad's. I don't wear a 3X size car very comfortably. I scare very easily. I lack courage. Doing things anyhow, to me, that is not courage, it is necessity. I just went out to the little car and it has a beautiful manual inside a big thick faux leather case that is about as big as the car. I will attempt to study that. Billy was always the one who read the manuals. I think my concentration might handle a paragraph or two at a time.

I know I am getting old Gwen, I cannot even think of a funny comeback to that one.

I didn't want to go. I went. I didn't want to stay. Brought me an offer. Man wants to buy my truck, good price. Took another 1000 off besides the sale of the truck. Like Scott said, why couldn't they do that at first. Starts pouring down rain. A man who just lost his wife of 49 years comes to talk to me (he works there). Nah, I'm leaving. Only had the two colors. The black one looks like a giant water bug. Brought percentage rate down to almost nothing. I am not having fun. I don't want to be here. Talked to Billy on the way over and at the same time Scott calls. He will go with me next week. I am at the door watching the rain pour down. I don't want to be here and darn sure don't want to go to Ford, Chevy, Nissan (called and broke appointment). Man who lost his wife still talks to her too. We both felt it a very natural thing to do. I don't want to go to more car places. I need a car. This one with the big mouth will do just fine. Metallic silver is a nice quiet color. By the time I am coming home it is night. I don't drive at night. I have numerous safety devices that alarm when something you do is wrong. By the time I got home I had three of them alarming. I did know where the heater was. Turned it on and front window frosted up. I don't know where defroster is. Cannot roll down windows, they don't roll. I pulled over to the side of interstate, me and this insignificant little car that might just be a piece of gravel to an 18 wheeler. I find the defroster. It is going home from work time. Damn that time change. I made it home. Parked in my little space that I could always see the tail of my truck sticking out. I could not even see my little car. I will learn how to drive it in daylight before I go anywhere again. I will find the windshield wipers. I will find out what the funny little boxy package light that comes on in alarm (yellow). I will find out what the two whisps of yellow that alarmed the whole way home to the right. Oh, did I tell you it tells me the temperature outside? My black truck did that. I'm just glad to be home safe. I will figure out things tomorrow. I did not find my big folder, but I did find my financial information folder. I was okay. It was sorta sad to get rid of the truck, but did not hurt like giving up Billy's truck. I am in another time and place and alone............but, I did it.........and I drove at night.

I always thought those virgins were terribly over rated.

We had one woman from a foreign country I did not understand. Clearly she was grieving, but it did not see the same kind of grieving. It seems to me grief is a common language in any country. Billy was my lifelong friend and sometimes early on antagonist. We sometimes thought I was going to leave. The first three months I would take my petulant problem and sit on the front steps. He would come beg me to stay. We played this game often. I threatened, he begged. Then one time he did not come get me. I did not threaten anymore either. Clearly we had worn that game out. So, I was married for close to 55 years to a different person quite often. It was never dull. Sometimes I wished to die of boredom, but I never did. I'm glad we grew to understand, respect and love each other the last half of our marriage and tackle all the problems. I grew up with my best friend and in the end, I WAS him, and he STILL IS me. Not in a hurry. Not going to be pressured. My need for the car is personal, not something that has to be done now. I am looking at all of them. I think Billy is telling me not to get nervous and don't take any BS. I'm cool.

George, my mom passed away in August. You know I always write "guilt" when I am meaning grief. I know one of these days I am going to grieve her. Right now, I can only do what I can do. I know Marty has written on here something about enough is enough. And I think of that often. I think Albert Camus was a philosopher I never quite understood. But he said something about on the same measure. I'm glad you still have your dad and he sounds delightful. I often wonder what would have happened if my mom went first, what my dad would have done. I think he would have mourned the marriage he did not have, and never would have being married to my mom. He would have played his country music at nursing homes and I think he would have probably married again. My mom did not like people. She preferred being a hermit, like my sister, but I think there must be/have been a loneliness somewhere in both of them. I think no matter how many times a person was married, there was always one special one. And, I was lucky, I married for the purpose of leaving the madhouse I lived in, only to begat a family that could and still is a mad house at times. Billy was used to the fighting. I guess I was too, but I remember hiding under the table and bed to get away from it. Granddaughter is going car hunting with me today. Still not excited. Excitement sometimes is over rated I guess. Still gotta find that folder, I obviously hid it from myself.

To Billy and me, Bri is perfect. Of course we would think so. She will not put up with racial slurs (I am not gonna do like Paula Deen and cry, but I have cleaned up an act that was pretty clean to begin with). She keeps me honest. Good kid to have gone through so much. I sure don't want to die now, hope I live long enough to see her get started in life. I think Billy would want that too. I knew Billy, and everything I do for Bri is done knowing he would do the same.

Okay, my opinion and belief is that he is waiting for me. I would not have been so ready to follow him so quickly. However anyone else believes is their own business. I believe it will be perfect no matter how it is. What about those religions that there will be so many virgins waiting on them. Okay, he was mine for most of his life............still gonna be mine, and he's gonna know it. So says this flatlander southern redneck country gal. Thats how I'm gonna believe. Might not be scripture, but it is gonna help right now!!!!!!

So happy for you. I thought I would feel Billy more down in Louisiana than Arkansas, and I do feel him as much as anywhere. I know I have to get our papers together (I have them in a folder) to go look at new cars. The first few months I kept that folder right with me. I still have 17 big plastic boxes I have not even opened, almost like I am waiting for him to come open them with me. Now that folder with all our business papers. I have to find it and my mind won't let me think about where it might be. I am procrastinating. The thing is, I told those people I would be in before noon tomorrow to look at vehicles. I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to look for my folder of business papers. I know I have to, but I am sure not wanting to. I had occasion yesterday that I needed more than two seats, a lot more running around than was necessary. It is almost/exactly like I cannot do it without Billy. I have come a long way without him in this past year. I have to push myself, and if it were not for my granddaughter, I probably would just sit in one chair 24/7. ADDENDUM: I emptied two more boxes. Only have 15 now. Did not find my folder. Cannot think of what I did with it. Cannot think.

Well, sometimes I think I feel dead, but I guess this is not purgatory. I ordered a necklace about a year before I lost Billy. It had the mustard seed in it. And, I figure my faith is about that size. Somehow, (this is for me), I think if I could find it again I might have some peace. The hospice book that was given to me by Mama's nurse said it was very normal to be angry with God. In fact, it said that a lot. My dad was very stern with me and bless his heart, sometimes when he whipped me with his belt, he would get a little carried away. I know I have said it before, it was how he was raised, and he respected his father. He would tell me I might not love him but I was going to respect him. Even as a child I knew the difference between fear and respect. But, after raising two kids to middle aged, I get my share of no respect. But, there is no fear either. Sometimes I think about our Baptists saying to fear God, so I think of him like Daddy. Jesus is good, so was Billy. When I try to pray, sometimes I am talking to Billy. I have a lot of figuring out to do. But, somehow, I think this twig is bent.

It's not my birthstone, but to me it is the prettiest. I am so glad something good happened for you Karen. We all need a key to a treasure box. I am glad you got out too.

Well Gwen, you did a good job. But, I bet I beat you in the notes I go back and delete what I've said. That is why I cannot keep a journal. If I go back and read something, I now know how to delete it. I do a lot of that.

I think I must have put that there out of frustration. I really don't need to go into it, I wrote enough above and I did delete some I had written. I guess I was feeling sorry for myself. Billy was always my buffer.