Margm

George, I dread the moment my mother's death reaches me. So far nothing. I sat with her body and told her to tell Billy I missed him. She was such a remarkable person. Never lazy. Could do anything. Daddy let her do whatever fixing things around the house she wanted to do. She grew up fearless, not afraid of anything, especially my dad. She never had friends really and she had a tongue that could cut deeper than a knife. But, she kept "books" like a practicing accountant, dearly loved to work doing anything. Nothing was beneath her. Checked groceries for years, kept us fed, got her business degree from the trade school after I had left home, one promotion after another and then when she was fixing to get her best promotion, Daddy had the nerve to get cancer and require her to quit working. (And we heard about that as long as she could talk). She was a tireless caretaker for four years. He died and I never saw grief. Maybe when I wasn't there. Maybe seeing my sadness after Billy passed and one sane moment she looked at me and said "its hard isn't it?" Then she left again. She wanted to go with her family but she hung on to that life cord like she did everything else. I will never understand her. Back then people thought "spare the rod and spoil the child." I was not spoiled. I do not hold that against them at all, except Daddy would get a little carried away when he whipped with a belt. Physical cruelty was not excessive, I don't think, but her mental cruelty was terrible. Mama and Daddy should not have had kids, in fact, they should never have married. They only knew each other two weeks. But they did, and they stayed together. Pretty sure Daddy had bipolar and Mama had a personality disorder that ran rampant in her family. That is why I underwent psychoanalysis for so long. I hate to say it, but religion also was part of the cruelty.. The thing was, they did the best with what they had. We were not rich but we never went hungry and Mama made all my clothes till I sewed for myself. I got tired of hearing "you cannot make a silk purse out of a sow's ear." I made a pretty good silk purse, even if she couldn't. I cannot understand my reaction. I don't want to react at all. But that ball of fire lived 95 years. During lapses in her Alzheimer's, you could see the personality that might have been. I wish I had her good genes. She had many of them. And, I am rambling again.

My granddaughter knew this that I did not know. But, she is special. We took her for counseling when she was much younger and the doctor was from Pakistan. She told Bri that she would take her to see her biological father's people in Thailand one day. Brianna looked straight at her and said "Please, I had rather go to New York City." She loves Broadway musicals, the old ones. Featured in her 3rd or 4th grade yearbook for mentioning wanting to go see a Broadway show. She loves the old music. She is an old soul and very special (but of course I would think so).

I have not made a search for a church to a serious degree. I liked a pastor on Sunday morning TV. Baptist. My friend had recommended him. I told my daughter's partner about him and this certain Sunday he preached of the sin of lust, adultry and homosexualty. I called her back and told her not to watch. Of course he admitted to having lusted in his heart. I got to thinking it was not his heart he was thinking about, and I decided he might have to order take out for dinner, if I was his wife. I think I prefer Catholic. I do cling to lifelong beliefs.

I actually think that day won't come for me. Maybe it is my age. I do not have him physically with me other than his "I am you and you are me" but as long as I have that, I have him with me. Certainly as long as I talk to him, even if I cannot see him, I feel like maybe he hears me. Does not matter, it is how I feel. I keep thinking about my cousin talking about our aunt. She was mowing her yard talking to our dead uncle. My cousin thought she had lost her mind. I stand out on the porch of the apartment and talk to Billy out loud at night. I am not loud with it, but certainly someone who does not understand (like my cousin did not understand my aunt) would shy away from me. I don't care. It is what it is. If I did not believe that some day I might be with him again, I would have gone ahead and taken the 50 morphine in the deep woods. No one has to believe like I do, but I feel I will be with him one day. And even if my faith is the size of the mustard seed, I still have it, and if I can move mountains with that small a particle of faith, then I will see him again. Until then, I will keep reaching.

I did not know that. I remember watching Jimmy Durante sing it as only he could. Until Elvis came along (and I think the Louisiana Hayride was one of his first exposures) I did not know there was anything but country music and Baptist hymns. But Journey, with Arnel, is my favorite all time group. And, I have not listened to much country music since Elvis. (Billy hated Elvis). For some reason I cannot listen to him again yet. I did not know all that about Chaplin though.

Kay, Billy's family took it inside, outside, front yard, side yard. Mama's family was all out in the country, but when Mama and Daddy fought (Mama fought, Daddy kept his hands in his pockets and I finally realized why). I'm sure everyone on the street knew our business. Back then though, it didn't worry me, it was just everyday business. My daughter takes her fights where ever she finds them. She takes after her "Maw and Nanny." My mama and Billy's mama.

For sure. I had joy when I would meet people in any circumstance before. Now I have to manufacture joy, and I do feel a little better when they smile back. I wish I just was as interested in people as I used to be and then again, I wish I was as interesting as I used to act. All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances, I think I would have liked to know The Bard. He was one smart dude. He fits throughout the ages. George, enjoy your time with your relatives. Our family reunions used to get rowdy. But, I did not know what the word meant until I went to just family gatherings with Billy.

Such good news Butch. Our hearts are with you all.

One thing I did not want to hear is rap music. Going to the washateria the other day on one side of the apartments was a car that shook with rap sounds and next to the dumpster on the other side was rap. Even with Elvis, we did have music. The Four Tops, The Shirelles, (sp?), Frankie Valli, The Pretenders, and Bobby Vee, who we just lost. That was music. Even my granddaughter likes it. Verses meant something, not just noise. I like that part of "old."

I knew what it was even before I brought it up. "Smile though your heart is breaking" and how true is that? Thanks Marty. And just think, we lived when Nat King Cole lived. I loved his daughter too.

Gin, sometimes I feel like just giving up too, but giving up means I let some people down. I think of it a lot of times like birds teaching their young to fly. Most times I feel like we never taught ours to fly at all and our wings were clipped also. I keep reminding myself that you won't get stepped on if your not lying on the floor. It is hard for us to pick ourselves up sometimes. But the fact that you come on here is one step you and I both make. We come around people who understand us and it really gets me to feeling like why do I care if anyone else understands. (And really, that is one of my least problems, I don't care if anyone else understands. You all do.) That is all the verification I need. My sister understands finally. Last night I was writing to a friend and telling about my daughter's cysts/tumors on her brain. After nearly a half-century in typing medical words, this simple word "dermoid" just totally escaped my mind. At one time there was not a medical word that I could not spell and we were not allowed spell checks because it was before spell checks for us state medical transcriptionists, so we had books to learn to spell them. We never relied on a spell check. I used to look everything up but when my colon ruptured I did not touch Google. When Billy was sick, I did not touch Google, and now Kelli has the dermoid tumors, I did look them up once, but won't read any further. I know my body and I know my limitations. I know I do not take care of it. It is like if I take care of it I might live.longer. I will go to doctor Friday and see what all is wrong that can be fixed and will live with the things that can't. I have a granddaughter to take care of, but my daughter is taking steps for better care of herself to bring back the person before she started taking all those psychotropic drugs. So many of them cause diabetes and I wonder just how much Big Pharma has to do with all this. (I have been watching too many Criminal Minds). I want to go walking. I walked at the other place, all the time. Now my muscles and bones ache because I do not use them. I know I need a new regimen started and even with a diet that is unhealthy, I can do more healthy things and take supplements. I have no trouble gaining weight, so I don't have a weight reducing illness. I have lots of problems that cannot be fixed, but maybe if I take care of myself I can live. My little grandmother on one side lived to be 94 before a stroke took her and she had lost a kidney to tuberculosis and had four children in the early 1900's.. My other grandma had my kind of cancer, did not take care of herself, had blood poisoning (sepsis), nervous breakdown and had seven children in 10 years from the time she was 15-16 to 25-26. She lived to be 84. And that was not taking care of herself. My mom lived to be 95, and never had anything wrong but mental. I am a compilation of all of them, so I guess I can live if I want to. I don't really feel I have to live for my friends, or even my family really. Like Billy said, if I had died, I would not worry about anything. But Gin, you and I both have to start taking care of ourselves, Gwen too, Cookie, Karen, all of you on here. It is like when I would cry until I could not breathe and not breathing seemed so easy and painless and actually wonderful, no fear.. But, we are responsible for ourselves, whether anyone in our family cares or not, whether any of our friends care or not. We have to care enough for ourselves to make it through this. I think that is why I try to read all the books of widows and widowers and how they coped. The thing was, they did cope. I have got to try to take care of myself and be friendlier and smile again. Not for other people. I have to do it for me. If there is a purpose, we do not do it for our mates that are gone, we do it for ourselves. We put on a smile, or we don't put on a smile, we just plow right down that aisle of people at Walmart and sometimes if you look up and smile, that person will smile back. If they don't smile, you think they must be having a worse day than you. Smiles are contagious, even if we don't feel like it. Seeing them smile back brings up that "worth it meter" just a tiny bit. I think I might even add a little red paint to this old barn.

Well, I wasn't scared. Bacon is on my low residue diet. Now the X-Files, I don't need that fear. Neither do you. Aliens too, oh my.

I am sending hugs to all of you. I know you cannot tell it by the length of my posts, but some days I post and read over it and delete it. I usually have dream amnesia, probably caused by the Xanax or earbuds listening to meditations, but I thought you all would get a kick out of one of my memories of a recent dream. All I can bring up in my memory is a tremendously big piece of bacon. I mean as tall and thick as a person. Dreams are strange at best.

Butch, praying to see a picture that makes us smile. Our thoughts are with your family.

George, I sat with my mama a long time after death. I talked to her. But Billy just scared me so bad and any time I think of it it scares me too. It just wasn't him. Mama had not changed much, except she was gone. I just wish I had not got angry with him for giving up. I could have held him. Can't go back.

Santa Claus was a big woman we knew very well. Gruff voice too.

One of my favorites for Billy the Kid. Two Christmases before he left.

I'm so sorry Karen. We all should outlive our kids. My dad was 65 and his mother lived to be 94, but her little mind left when my daddy did. It scares me so much. I was blessed to live 73 years with only losing my father, some cousins and grandparents. I weathered my dad's passing okay but maybe being old leaves you with beaten down defenses. This is not something for old or young.

I find myself remembering Billy's death mask too much. It was my last sight of him, but it was not him. I don't know who it was but he had stole Billy. I wonder if putting pictures of him around would help. But I cry when I see him. I don't think it is time. My daughter gets solace with his picture everywhere. I think everything in its own time. I will talk to doc Friday. Wish I had more faith in doc's. Just wish I had more faith period. I wonder if I am alone in the fact I was not going to let him die? I had full belief I was going to get him through this. I was not going to let him die and I was not going to let him give up. And I knew it was terminal but that didn't matter, I was not going to let him give up. Oh how I wished I had asked his feelings, but I would not believe he would die. I wish my last emotion had not been anger at him because he knew he had no choice. If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

We all know I am the lucky one. I just wish her mama's mind would slow down and the rage would go away. All we ever want for our kids is for them to be happy. Sometimes you cannot fix what is broken, no matter how hard you try. My mama's unquiet mind lasted 95 years. Life is hard for some people.

It comes to mind that if we are cut with a knife, we all bleed red. I have discovered that after a year the 17th of October, I no longer think "he was right here with me last year" and now I think "I absolutely do not remember what I was doing this time last year, but Billy was not with me for sure." I do have the sad grief, will have it always, but I seem to collect the fear grief more often. It is now "what the hell am I doing?" And, I totally do not know. Still do not have the boxes unpacked. I do not want to do that. I won't do that. I am making sure my granddaughter goes to school. Actually, I take her and sit in a comfy chair in the lobby and read my Kindle the full time she is in class. It is okay with the people, they ignore me. I look at the pictures of the directors on the wall and I see many pictures. My director is next to the first one, back in the days when the pictures were not color pictures. Yes, it has been that long. She does not leave class, but she does not want me to leave. She cannot see me, but just knowing I am there, she feels better. We have made very big strides. Her counselor is so proud. Her mom is just angry, but that is the way things are with her all the time. She has a very unquiet mind. My wish for everyone is a quiet, peaceful mind. I know it is sad, but I long for peace.

You give hope to us all George. Enjoy that drive.

I mentioned somewhere that I bought for my Kindle the book Nothing Was the Same by Kay Redfield Jamison. Your tribute reminded me of her tribute to her late husband. Yes, for all our life we are them, they are us. Beautiful picture, so much happiness..

I loved visiting Billy's sister in Albuquerque. The swamp coolers were so nice to sleep in their moisture, that you really could not feel as moisture in the desert dryness, just felt wonderful. Living in the humid south, we have to have the AC that depletes moisture, but all we have to do is get outside if we want moisture. Still like the swamp coolers feel sleeping the best.

My daughter is fast to anger. My son is very slow to anger but really angry for awhile. Billy used to, at first of marriage, get angry at me and not speak to me for days. That was very frustrating. You cannot imagine how ornery I got with the silent treatment. If he ever told me to shut up, I would just think up junk to yell. Don't tell a woman to shut up, ever. Thank goodness he evolved. He learned never to say shut up to me. I wish he could tell me that again.