Margm

Our smile.. Thank you Butch.

My grandmother wrote a column for the Bossier Parish newspaper and they use some of her writings in college courses. She wrote from the age of 14, a weekly column until she was 84. I know you are proud of your mother. My grandmother wrote a book of her life they use also, but it was written for her grandchildren. She does not write passionately, she writes very matter-of-fact, "just stating the facts, mam." My sister is a published poet. They were all above my head and I don't think they are even in publication now. Might be. She teaches writing in college. .

I can really understand why so many partners, mates, spouses pass away that first year. You really get to an "I don't care" attitude. I have to remember that there is someone I have to protect. It should not be that way, but honestly, life is not fair all the time. We just make hay while the sun shines.

i remember my grandmother repeating herself and somewhere, I am not sure, but I think I asked you to keep us posted if you can. Please stay safe Kay. Let us hear from you when you are able. I just did not imagine the west coast having such horrible winds. I think I have been sheltered too long. Living up this far in Louisiana we have floods and tornadoes and of course we had people all moving up from Katrina destroyed areas, but living around the Gulf I think of that as regular weather.

Maybe it posed there just for you. We had been discussing Ed Abbey. Well, he said he wanted to be reincarnated as a buzzard, and I think a condor is one of the vultures. Maybe he just decided to grace you with his presence. I would think he would want to be fancy.

I try to stay away from the news channels too much, but just turned it on and you all are having a rough go of it. Katrina I thought had destroyed New Orleans, but it is very slowly building back. I just have never noticed too much weather for the west coast and my grandchildren lived in California for years. Our floods in Louisiana were horrible but people are building right back up. My friend lives on the lake we used to live on. Our house would have been okay, up on a hill, long way down to the water, but they lived in the top floor of a two story house with the bottom used as garage and tool room, etc. It came into their top floor and they had to abandon their house with a very sick husband. We all know there are things we think we cannot recover from, but somehow we manage to drag even our destroyed parts of our life around with us. I hope your home can withstand this. I know you say it is old, but I hope you live inland enough that it won't be so bad. I just remembered the song "This Old House," and I have not thought of it in years. I'm going to look up the lyrics and see if I can apply them to myself (ha, like I am able to do that stuff.).

Now that I look back, I should have given all his fishing things to his nephew. He would have liked that. I sometimes wonder though, in the long run of our marriage, I had been sick to the point of dying twice. I think he got the 23 foot RV because I think he realized I was going to go first. I just wonder what he would have kept of mine. I never was one to care about "things." I have no special housekeeping skills or any wall hangings that are necessary to carry with him. When I look back now, the only regrets I have are not giving the fishing equipment to his nephew and the last week before he passed away, especially the morning he passed away. The urn, I put my hands on its polished wood often, but I don't feel him there. Before our daughter's surgery this week, I felt/saw him for an instant 2-3 nights. He had visited me the night of his death, or the night afterward sitting on the foot of the bed. I felt/saw him standing beside me once. Gone as fast as the instant I saw him. I think there are times that I need to see him and maybe I manufacture him. I think he was letting me know he was with her. Billy cannot fish anymore here on earth, the things I gave away he had no use for anymore, my family could not use them, I could not use them. He was a collector of animal "calls" and they are in a beautiful glass covered cabinet you hang on the wall. I kept them. Some of his clothes, the coats, I kept some and gave to the thrift store more than I kept. Our children bought them as presents. Some still had the tags on them. He never wore them.. I am reading Shirley Jones' autobiography. It was written before her husband passed away. She lost two husbands. They were both bipolar. Billy passed on the 17th of October, Shirley Jones' husband passed on the 21st. She is an older woman now also. You were together so many years, we were together so many years. We have lost ourselves, and like after a tornado, we have to sift through this wreckage that is our own bodies and find what is left. My heart is with you.

Gwen, Kay, and anyone else that lives in that part of the country I didn't know you all had hurricane strength winds on the west coast. Wow, you all stay inside, this is as bad as those that hit North and South Carolina. Stay safe.

My sister posted this for me tonight. Very insightful. I love her.

Beautiful. Thanks for the smile.

Do you have a supply of wood? I remember your having some hotter days than we had down here, but I always think of Oregon as being cold. Stay warm and dry and let us hear from you when you are able to. .

Brad, after 15 years of one-on-one psychoanalysis, group therapy, and all that goes with it, that is my lifelong diagnosis "chronic depression." I remember even having it in high school. It is a shame we all could not be raised by "Leave it to Beaver" parents, but however we were raised, there does come a time it is not the parents fault and you have to take control of yourself. Myself, I think this must be second childhood. So many mental issues and eventually everybody, unless you die young, will have to face life. And you face it on your own terms, no matter what color the sky. I've taken the trash out. One star for me today. Going to post office to get the mail and to $ store to get a new mop, so maybe I get two stars today. On edit, I think I will pick up some yellow clip on glasses to help color this gray.

I think sometimes I usually go "splat" with my emotions. I like to follow up things with a little humor sometimes too. I love reading about Brad's hikes, about life lived even after life is gone. We have not had rain for awhile.. Last night and today full of rain and gray skies. My dad was talking to my son once. He told him "sometimes I look at the sky and it is so pretty and blue but sometimes it is just gray." I don't think my dad was talking about color really, I think it was emotions. So hard to analyze things and people after they are gone. Today sky is gray. Today emotions are too raw to color or explain. I need to get busy and clean, that is something I have not done in awhile. I had copied something earlier this morning about faith and fear of God that my friend, who knows I have problems with faith, she had sent to me. It was strange because it answered a lot of my questions and it seemed ironic that it would come to my email today from her. It was what I needed, but to accept it I have to be ready. I can be the world's most stubborn person sometimes. For 54 years I had someone to think with and for me sometimes. Now I have to think for myself. It is not because I think I am stupid or dumb, it is just my selfish stubbornness lately. It is like I am angry, I think. Angry and afraid.

Sometimes I tell too much family history. Anyhow, daughter is doing okay. One kidney was pretty messed up but think things are okay. The rest, as far as I can tell is okay too. Because she has fallen out of bed twice (guard rails anyone?) and the infection in the kidney,, they are going to keep her longer. Actually, maybe things are better. I sure hope so. We were lucky that it was something that needed to be done by an expert and lucky some doctors needed training, and lucky the hospital owns its own jet, and lucky that the woman that had mastered this mode of operation did it herself. Billy has flashed before me waking from a dream. Once sitting on the bed like after he first left. As soon as I was awake, I knew he was not there. I knew it was a dream. But I also believe that he was letting me know he would be with our daughter like he has been with every injury and operation that she has had in 49 years. I have trouble with my faith still, but there are some things you just have to believe. How could it be otherwise?

Marty, Billy and I used to watch Gunsmoke, over and over and over. My modern times kind of made me wonder, well why didn't they have a cell phone so they would not have to ride back 10 miles to pick up Doc Adams. So, your dad was a Doc Adams. I was a child in the time where doctors would make house calls too. In fact, our GP knew my family well enough that when he put that ether cone on my nose at seven-years-old and I fought him and the nurses he spanked me to settle me down. Can you imagine that happening now days.. I'm gonna go to my "going through hell' post to give update on Kelli.

I deleted all my family's troubles. Sometimes I talk too much. We all live in some extreme circumstances. My daughter's dermoid tumors/cysts were to be removed today. Update below. My granddaughter, even through this rough time has made breakthroughs in her counseling and also is in school with no problems. In fact, she seems excited about some of it. Some of it is like her home schooling with use of the computer. Family tries to pin her down as to what she wants to be. Her counselor tells her to tell them she is focusing on one thing at a time. I remember walking down the aisle graduation night holding my boy cousin's hand. I was thinking, "well, this is it gal, whatcha gonna do?" I knew I was already entered into a business school, but I had no idea what I wanted to do. I am rambling but this week I have been going through hell and this is why it is on this post. The 17th will be one year. It is not any more a terrible day than yesterday was, or last month, or two years from now if I live that long. They are all just days without Billy. I'm not feeling the guilt that I felt, but I am sorry he had to be removed from the fussing. I'm sorry there was fussing, but it seems I went from my mama's to my daughter's. They must have been and still are miserable people to want to cause trouble and fuss all the time. I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for me too. I feel sorry for all of us.. One foot in front of the other.

Marty, I do not think I have a writing talent, I am just wordy. You would be surprised, in person, I am fairly quiet. But thank you so much for the compliment.

Okay, guess I should have read further.

Kay, you know I live in rain country, well for sure humidity country, and you would be surprised how prettily some of the nicest homes have different colored tarps on their roof. I know it would be a job for you to do this, but maybe you might find someone. Thinking about you.

I think all our life shifts. Some things that were necessary before we do not pay attention to anymore.. I have met people in the washateria. Used to I would be interested in these people. I don't even care to make eye contact. I talked to one woman and her father-in-law had had an affair with my MIL. I wanted to run home to tell Billy. Of course the woman did not know that I knew something like that and she probably didn't know. That was as about as exciting as it gets. Except the other night I could not find all our underwear, the sleeping things. I had washed that morning. I ran over there some time after 9:00 p.m. Darkness, lights around, I was not scared. I stayed there and waited for them to dry.. That and family fights, that is about as exciting as life gets now.. Got a good family row going on now. Now the two middle aged kids are against me because Brianna wants to stay with me and I am catching really bad yelling, life thrown before my ears. I do remember a time when old folks were taken care of by the younger folks.

Also, the cough syrup is really just OTC kind of cough syrup. If you have a codeine tablet/capsule, you can take a dose of OTC cough syrup with the codeine pill/capsule. I cannot take any of that stuff because of my "innards."

Karen, maybe I am wrong but I think you can get the good cough syrup in generic. I just wonder if doctors, insurance companies and pharmaceuticals are in this together. I get three prescriptions a month and they do not come to $6. My mother's doctor knew my sister did not have insurance and he gave her samples of the medicines she has to have to be able to breathe. Sometimes if you let doctors know you are on a fixed income and let them know you cannot afford the medicines they will give samples. We had a clinic at one hospital I worked for that was simply for free samples.

Joyce, did not know you were in its path. I am glad you got no more damage than that. Have not seen Terri post so maybe she does not have electricity. You take care.

Karen, I just don't know what to say. I know if I was close to you, I would be there. I know more of your heart is missing. Is your grandson there? I can only send you virtual hugs. My heart is with you. Maybe a few days in the hospital could get you on your feet. Clearly you need help. Please seek help.

Billy visited me last night. Don't remember why, don't remember anything being said, no reason for it, he was just there. I woke up and he was not there. I remember a pang of disappointment and went back to sleep. This might have been the third time he has visited me this past year. Never any reason except he is never far from my mind. In the CS Lewis book I have of "A Grief Observed," her son gives an introduction. Finally when the spouse leaves this realm, we think that they are finally together again. I hope and pray that is the way it works. It is a short book, I have to go back and read it again. My concentration and memory vanishes as fast as Billy's appearance and disappearance in my dreamworld. But then, maybe this is not a dreamworld, that sounds like magic, fairies, mystical things when you wake up and it is the same nightmare. I don't think things really get "better" but I do think you get to where you realize they are gone and not coming back. I like the little visitations though.