Margm

Kay, I did not mean to miss your birthday. Honestly, my mind is just not right, but guess you know it. I went to the washateria and washed three loads of clothes. Hung everything up and at 9:00 tonight I got to thinking "where was all our underwear and sleeping stuff?" I went back over there, at dark, was not scared and there was a washer full of my clothes, so I had to wait and dry them too. The worse things anyone can say to me is "Do you remember......, and where is my ............. My mind just completely shuts down when those two things are asked. Anyhow, Happy Birthday, Peaceful Day to anyone I have forgotten. Almost a year now and my mind is not a bit better. But, there is always the possibility I did remember and just forgot I remembered.

Brad, I am putting this under your heading because that is exactly what it is. Reflections and Musings. So much of grief support is about fixing grief. Getting past it. Our models of grief support fail because of that kind of approach. Problem solving, shifts in perspective, knowing that this too shall pass are great for a lot of things. Grief needs different tools because it is a different animal all together: it needs support, not solutions. (This is from this weeks Refuge in Grief by Megan). And yes, I did it again. For "grief" I had put "guilt." And my appointment with a psychiatrist will be with a man, he is an expert in forensics and that kind of scares me. I might be looking for a female shrink if he tries to get me to sign my brain away when I die. I know mine is unique, not that smart, not that dumb, but a whole lot outside the realm of "normal." My mama used to have odd sayings. We would go into a cloth/material store and she would every time say it smelled like a red wasp in that store. I never got around to asking her how she knew that, my mama had a unique brain also. When she said the line between genius and insanity was a thin line, I knew she knew that. Myself, I see a cartoon of me hanging onto that line, well underneath it. One thing she used to say before bed is that she felt her body singing. Now Daddy worked the graveyard shift and sometimes I slept with Mama. I never heard her body singing. I listened hard. Mama was one of the hardest working women I have ever known. Daylight till dark and then in the house still more work after dark. She never stopped except to sleep. Mama was raised a farm girl with plenty of chores. That was back when they used a mule to pull the plow, they slopped the hogs, fed the chickens and the geese. Mama had pet geese and they would follow her boots where ever she went. If she went inside they did their incessant honking. She finally figured out if she got out of her boots and left them in the yard, the geese were happy. This past week has been a hard one. Not just for missing Billy, but family dynamics brought in family that lived in Hurricane Matthew's path. I was so happy to have my little apartment, no more room for humans or animals. It started out bad. Nerves were on top of my skin, not underneath it. And, when I got a chance to go to bed something else happened that took another 3-4 hours. Yesterday, and day before yesterday were filled with family fights. (And right now, family is what I want to stay away from.) But I knew what my mama's phenomenon of feeling her body singing was. I slept till 10:30 this morning. I might have slept longer, but my bladder was yelling, not singing. Even with my mama's body singing her to sleep she would not have been that lazy. I hope everyone of you have a peaceful day filled with rest. I have some things to do, but they are things that do not require anyone else to be with me.

I hope you find some semblance of peace today Patty. It is just another number, a number we all count down on here for different things. I want to wish you a happy birthday, but I would prefer it if you had a peaceful day.

Kay, I think a lot of people go with groups (solo), but I heard the climb was extremely hard. Read as much as you can on the Havasupai tribe. It is interesting. I think they make their money from tourists. Can you believe a place like this still exists. It is kinda like watching them discover the last tribe that had not ever been filmed on the Amazon. They wanted clothes, but this tribe had not had our human germs passed on to them. Like the Native Americans here. We probably killed more with our germs than we did with guns. It was always my dream to come from Native American genes. Red hair and freckles. They would probably have made me live away from them.

I discovered him the month after he passed away. I mourned him. I read "Desert Solitaire" in two paperbacks that I wore out and then they let me order a newly made hardback of "Desert Solitaire." In getting rid of my books to go to live in the RV, Edward Abbey books were the only ones I saved. I had them all. Still do. On yes, cannot remember the name of the bookstore for sure (Desert Winds?) down toward Benson, but "Win Bundy" let me and Billy stay by ourselves while she went hunting for her lost cat. I was in book heaven. Every room, floor to ceiling. I asked her how much land she had and she said only one (quarter???) or 600 acres, which to me was tremendous. Think she is still alive but someone else runs the bookstore. Anyhow, she used to invite authors for talks on a Saturday once a month, I think. Abbey came one time and threw beer cans all down the road to her ranch. I still loved him.

Brad, in one of Edward Abbey's books he tells of them taking him down to a part of this area that is off to itself. He had a little building he slept in and every day he would run and jump in the pool naked.. I would like to think that it was one like this (although I am sure there were too many people around this one). I loved reading of his travels and think you would be interesting too. Of course he had about five wives and only one of them passed away. He wrote a book about it later, something like "Dark Sun" or something This is beautiful.

That is my greatest fear. Having no savings and when I do have savings, someone requires it for life or death, I am going to a funeral home and ask if they have a "lay-a-way" plan, and also have a memorial made for myself and Billy to be put behind my mom and dad's. My uncle would not leave me alone until I took the two plots. What can you say when someone insists on giving you burial plots. "Okay, I will use them wisely." Well, Billy and I both will be cremated, mixed and buried I think 25 inches in front of the stone. Its as good a place as any. I don't think Billy will mind being buried with my kinfolks. He and I will take that up later, much later. My kids keep me in debt, so I definitely know I have a place to go. A place I did not want to do, but shes will collect my retirement, so I won't be any trouble to her. It was not what I wanted. Maybe I will go fast. Billy did.

Prayers mentioned: George, you pray for us that request it. You do a lot for us. You are one of us. You suffer, we suffer. Thank you for being just who you are.

Gin, I could write a book on some of our family dynamics but people would be bored to death. I am going to bed early. I hope you hear from your son. Last I heard Alabama was beating up our team Arkansas, so I think I will just go read.

Gin, sometimes people just wear us out. Last week and today friends and relatives have taken all the fight out of me. No more fight left, but plenty of "wanting to be alone" left. Your son has left you a riddle. My folks who took over my Mount Ida house have escaped from the storm along the coast. They are still their warring selves with two dogs and a child who pitches fits they think are cute. They all got angry at me last night. They were in my home. I have to go back to see them tonight. I will not stay long. It is nice to have relatives but sometimes relatives are not nice to have. Riddle me this. I visited relatives today that do not talk back to me. I went up into about a 150 mile round trip. I find rest and comfort at cemeteries. Some people are afraid of them. They are history to me, genealogy, people's relatives, and unless they came down from Canada and passed away both cemeteries were full of relatives. I went by myself. I walked in two cemeteries way back in the woods, one kept up beautifully, one just big, scattered, but all my kinfolks. For some reason, and this was my childhood routes I was taking, I did not feel Billy with me at all. But, I guarantee you, when I was standing at the gate to leave, I yelled at all of them to hug Billy for me and tell him how much I missed him. Strange thing, and I read up on it. All around my grandparents and mother and dad's graves was a ring of spider lilies. No where else. I think someone must have planted them. They were in a circle. I have got to go back and be with family tonight for awhile. It won't be long cause those folks will be fighting. I don't know why they do that. But, I cannot handle it. They get angry because Brianna does not want to come. I don't blame her.

Tomorrow I will travel to a town that is about 30 miles from here. I will make a full circle. None of my folks live there anymore. They live in two cemeteries. No, they live in three. I will go to all three. Had a blow up with family tonight. I don't need that and my feelings are not hurt at all. I am angry. I am not ready for fussing so they call all go to hell in a handbasket. Scared for me to go alone? I am not alone. Billy is with me. Flat tire. I am n old woman and can look older and more pitiful than I am. I can look pitiful and the first person will fix it. I need to get away. I need to be by myself and Billy for awhile. I can do it. Everyone worries about me driving, off on my own, but those are the happy times. Billy was never along on this journey. I will talk to him anyhow. This is my childhood journey. This is a pilgrimage, of sorts. I do not need grown people holding out their hands and then telling me what to do.

A smile from your picture and a prayer for your sister-in-law. So glad you have Gracie.

Anyone heard from Terri?

There are times that I feel lonely, but sometimes I don't feel so alone. Does not make sense? I have told myself so much his saying "I am you and you are me" and it kind of feels like it is true. Of course, he is not there when I need him the most, but somehow I have made it through some times where my body tingled all over from the nerves, the being tired, lack of sleep, thinking I was not going to make it, but somehow I always do.. I have been to the point that I thought "oh what the hell" whatever is gonna happen will happen. And it does or it does not. And Steve, I talk to him now even if people are around. What can they do? At least they won't bump in to me, they steer clear.

My sister teaches at a primarily black college. I know they are not supposed to be primarily any one race, but this is Grambling, and this is a famous college. My sister is a poet and has had some published in her earlier years. I know she would love to see some of her students published. That has to be so exciting and fulfilling for a teacher.

Other than starting a new post, I just want to make sure everyone is okay. My granddaughter is on her way inland from SC because of Hurricane Matthew. I have not done any deep studying of this storm, but we have not heard from Terri in awhile. Marty, I think she lives in Florida also doesn't she? Maybe one or two others. If you read this, please check in ever so often so we know everyone is okay. I try not to watch too much news, but think I will go to the weather channel. Maybe Hilary and Trump will not have bought their time on the weather channel. Otherwise it is the same old, same old. Please let us hear that you all are safe. I was in Arkansas when Katrina destroyed New Orleans. I know we had a lot of new people coming into the hospital that I worked at in Arkansas. I think they stayed permanently. I have been lucky that none of the storms, floods or tornadoes have bothered me but lots of people have to be relocated because of them.

I think Kay said it all. All of us on here have been through what you are going through now. This is a safe place to come and say how you feel. I am so sorry you lost your love. Sometimes all you can rely on is yourself. Others will go through this, if they have not already. That does not heal our wounds because others hurt. All this does is allows us to unburden our feelings. It took five weeks for my Billy to leave in what our son calls "a knock-out punch." However they leave us, the hurt remains. My heart is with you.

I think of my brother-in-law often. He was in rehab in the nursing home. He had been in the ICU for so long he had what they called ICU syndrome. He had such a personality that he "owned" the nursing home also. Valentine's day he was elected King of their Valentine party. My daughter bought him a sports coat for it. He was about 11 years older than Billy. We have pictures of him and the little white haired woman that was queen. She was dressed totally in red. When he went to where the seniors lived we moved his things down to the end room of what they called "The Aristocrat" in downtown Hot Springs. His window looked out to where all the lights at Christmas and all the festivals were held. The walls in the front were made of rock with the quartz crystals mixed in. I did not want him living here. I wanted to keep him with us. He had just reached 70 and he was looking for companionship though. He had outlived two companions and Billy used to take him to get groceries. The women who lived in their little apartments all vied for his attention. He never lacked for women paying attention to him. He had that kind of personality. After he married again, we would see him and her shopping at Walmart often. They would come out to see us. Just those two years together watching them were wonderful. After he passed away, she went to live with her daughter in Kansas. I had 54 years with Billy, but he made those two years he had with his new wife look like he had found paradise. Some people can do this.

Patty, don't ever feel guilty. I look at people from the opposite end of the spectrum. I see older couples and know that Billy and I had such a long time together, I look at them and know that one of them, unless they can both go together, one is going to suffer this unimaginable pain. I was positive I would go first, and sometimes I think Billy thought he was going to lose me first also. My son calls what hit Billy a "knock out punch." He watched football with both of our grown children and boxing with our son. I have an acquaintance that lost his wife last week and they had over 50 years together. She was always smiling and laughing, so full of life.. I am sorry for the younger than me people on here that did not have as many years as we did. I guarantee you though, I hurt just as bad as any of you, even with the milestones we passed. One time we were driving down the highway and a private company mower threw a rock up and hit the windshield on Billy's side of the car. I was driving. I never thought about his death as a real thing until that moment. I guess that is why they call it safety glass in cars. That window shattered, but it did not hit him, any of it. I was so shaken though that I had to pull over. We had to anyhow to get the insurance information of the mowing company. But I kept reliving that moment and the possibility of losing him. It was a few years later before he left me. But, somehow, the reality of losing our mate does not hit us until it happens. Like I have said on here a hundred times or more, I was going to have a miracle. I quit playing God October 17, 2015.

I know this helps no one. Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracey were together for years and years. He could not leave his wife, but he had left her. Because of religion they could not be together. She could not attend his funeral, it was his family only. She had him while he was alive, they had him in death. My uncle lived with another woman and her family because my aunt was such a terrible wife. He did not divorce her but lived for years with the other family. At the funeral, my aunt put that family along with her's and my uncle's family in the obituary and had them sit with the family members. I thought that was very nice of her to do that. Not many people would have. My brother-in-law lived with this woman for over 25 years. When he was in the ICU she wanted to pull the plug on him. My husband came in as his next of kin. The doctor had told her "we have to give him a chance to live." Billy took over his care. Well, he went to a nursing home for awhile. His live in partner passed away. We brought him to live with us but he wanted to live alone. We put him up in a nice senior place and I had told him he would find someone else. He had women fighting over him. One little woman though won him over. They got married. He had advanced Parkinson's disease, she had advancing dementia or Alzheimer's. They had two happy years together. He told us they were the happiest of his life. He passed away and his little wife had already advanced dementia. He always made lemonade from lemons. He was someone I admired. I am rambling. It is past my witching hour of midnight. Going to bed.

I'm happy to have my children, but Billy and I married when we were children. He told me the doctor said the mumps had "gone down on him" and he could not have children. I didn't care when I was 18 years old whether he could have them or not. Fortunately, he might not could have children but Billy Jr. was born a week before our first anniversary and looked just like him, so he definitely could provide the means.. I had such a hard time I was not going to have any more. That was "back in the day" and my neighbor (who had six children) told me about the rhythm method. Nine months later, born right on the day she was supposed to came Kelli. Then, Billy had a vasectomy. My relatives may have "dropped" a half dozen and went back to work in the fields, but this ole gal had two over eight pound kids and I did not have a field to go to work in. But, those two crazy kids that did not know what marriage was, did not know what responsibility was, they managed somehow.. And, I miss his tall skinny legs, and the rest of him too.

A man crying does not make him less a man, it makes him more a human man than a robot man. Billy got to where he could cry at commercials. One animated comedy, a touching place in it he cried and we loved it. Not "making fun of" loved it, we loved him because he had a heart that we all loved so much.. I had him with me last night going to that prison. And I had his daughter and son with me. When I saw my son leaving in his truck, I saw Billy. And now I am crying. I will stop, but remembering Billy lives in those two middle aged kids of mine always touches my heart. I am him and he is me, forever.

Gin, remember the stars that are given out for even getting out of bed? Maybe you try to do too much to try to help yourself and you should just let getting out of bed be enough. I need to practice what I preach also. After my day yesterday, I just feel like many of those "keeping busy" days, and I will go to be with my Billy sooner than later. Sometimes actually, I have learned, we do too much.. We need to just let it be. Whatever it is. My friend (who lost her husband) told me to keep busy. Well, I guarantee you, one day of wear and tear on my nerves and psyche were about too much. I have another day today, but it won't be as bad. So sometimes we try to keep busy and "busy" just wears us out. I get to where I look forward to "just being." Whatever being is, too much busy winds me up too tight and it is harder on me than doing nothing at all. Just be Gin. If you want to cry, then cry. If you want to sleep in, then sleep in. If you want to watch a marathon of "Law and Order" on Netflix, just do it. If you want to (and can) read a book then do it. Sometimes my family's worries just beat the hell out of me. Like last night, my daughter can be a bitter pill sometimes, but if her family needs her she drops everything. Even at the worse times, and 99% of our day is the worse times, but sometimes you get a 1% day, and it seems like a gift. My heart is with you my friend. I hate October and I know October 17th will come soon. But what will I do? Oh, this is the 2nd Thanksgiving without him. This is the 2nd Christmas. Life has a way with numbers. Especially when you miss someone so much. Again, Gin, my heart and mind are with you. That does not help, I know. But you have my virtual hug.

There are some days that are so bleak that I just have to cry. Then there are other days I see Billy everywhere, like he had never left. I have even caught glimpses of his skinny legs in the bathroom more than once. I know it is the mind playing tricks. Like yesterday, waiting for Bri to take her tests at school, I was sitting in a chair, no one around, and I nodded off for just a second. That was all it took for the hospital scene to play itself out. I thought I had put that out of my mind entirely. We had slept little the night before, with her social anxiety she could not sleep knowing she was going to be around a lot of people. And, because of that, I could not sleep. Testing took five hours. When I got home a friend called. (It was the only number Scott could remember by heart to call). His phone was in the truck. He had gone to see a friend at the parish prison. On his way out they arrested him for a disturbing the peace warrant from 23 years ago. This had been taken care of 23 years ago. I can remember it so well. In the meantime he had received his ABO card more than once and driver's license in two states and had been given official clearance from his job. A thorough background check. Nothing against him. He had got drunk and urinated on the sidewalk those many years ago. All of our phone numbers were on his phone locked in his truck and he was allowed the one call. I was so tired, but was not going to let him spend one night in jail. Called my daughter and she was in front of the apartment in five minutes. Paid his fine, now it is off the books again. But four more hours were spent doing this. And, I was too wound up to sleep. Finally it came. I was afraid I would see Billy again if I closed my eyes. I didn't. Counselor today for Bri. So proud of her. Her math/algebra teacher has left us and she will have to take a few math classes at the tech school. The rest of the test she aced. No problems. And when Scott came out of the prison doors everybody was shaking his hand and hating to see him go. He has that kind of personality. He is his dad's son. And am not hijacking a post. These are reflections and musings. And Brad, so glad to have you back. I love the new picture also.

As he always said "I am him and he is me" and I guess as long as that is true he will still be with me, and I know it would scare me to death if he did actually talk to me when I talk to him. This is anniversary month for about 3-4 of us on here and I hate October. Thanks for the kind words.