Margm

If I have dreamed, and I am sure I have, I seem to have amnesia when I awake. I think that keeps me from reaching for him. Strange thing, he has never been in this apartment but I can see his skinny bare legs sometimes when I enter the bathroom. Just an instant image, no real view. Sometimes I almost think he is here too. I can argue with myself, but I usually lose.

Butch, this is our best. But, I do have to say every time you put that baby's picture on here it makes me smile. Can you believe how many smiles you have provided all of us. She is beautiful.

Me too.

In George Burns' mind, the show did not go on without Gracie. He regularly visited her vault in Glendale to discuss things with her. "I don't know if she hears me, but I do know that everytime I talk to her I feel better." He waited nearly 25 years after her death to write "Gracie: A Love Story." He wrote "how could I have put off what turned out to be such a rewarding and somehow comforting experience for me?" Burns even told Gracie about the book. Evidently she approved because she did not say anything. The book's opening line is typical Burns.. "For forty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died." I read the biography of Martha Washington and for some reason I was not fond of her. But, after reading about her life without George, I grew to be of the same mind as her. I understood. Sensing her own health was deteriorating, Martha laid out the white satin dress she wished to be buried in. She studied her Bible every day and looked forward to the day she would reunite with him. and she joined him less than two years later. I grew to admire her more. Now Mary Todd Lincoln, that was another story, and honestly I understand her, but she let her grief be loud and dramatic. I guess like my screaming into the pillows. (But I made sure no one was around.) She would throw herself on the floor, or where ever she was. She lost all but one child and Lincoln also in a preview of Kennedy's wife holding him after he was shot. She wrote that she had never experienced such desolation, which we can all agree with. But she outlived him quite a few years, some time spent in an insane institution, put there by her son. Martha went quietly, Mary Todd with a dramatic end. Mark Twain, that was another story. His wife was 58, he was 68. He wore the white suits believing they would enliven his spirit. He wrote "She was my life, and she is gone, she was my riches, and I am a pauper." Many more famous people from Milton Hershey to Norman Rockwell, C.S. Lewis, even Grandma Moses. (Some people I was not familiar with,) but they all grieved, just as we do. Some found other mates. And one reason Grandma Moses took up her painting was to "keep busy." I think she "kept busy" until about age 101. All I took from reading this book was that we were never alone in our grief, just as we already know. I kinda like the way Martha did it though, she did not wail and whip herself like Mary Todd Lincoln did. But, I understand both women's mentality. One day soon I will travel to my mama's territory, the land that helped me grow up. All of this less than 30 miles away. I will remember Mama showing me how to use the resin from the sweet gum tree mixed with stretch berries to make a gum that tasted better than the old "Beech-Nut" gum. I will remember our many hickory nut hunts and berry picking and how Mama could beat anyone picking any kind of berry. I will remember the little country store and the house on the hill where all the family had grown up. Only vast pine tree markets are in those places now. I will go by myself and I will visit where my mama was born and could hear the panther's crying at nights in the thick woods. I will visit the old Salem Cemetery where all the relatives sleep now. I won't put silk flowers on my grandmother's grave. She requested never any silk flowers. I think I am doing this to confront my not feeling as much grief over my mama. Then I will have come full circle in coming home, alone. I began it without Billy. I end it the same.

I love this Kat.

Amy, my 17-year-old granddaughter has bad problems with anxiety. We just had her picture ID card made for school and she hates having her picture taken. She is beautiful, but she has body opposition problems. She does not see what we see. I guarantee you that your involvement with the 12-year-old will help you in ways you could not even imagine. I cannot stand to fuss at my granddaughter, but if we are supposed to be at somewhere at a certain time I cannot make her get ready in time. She cannot see the perfect person she is on the outside because of the mix-up on the inside. She goes to a counselor and we are working on it. I am glad you are helping this child. In the meantime, it helps us also.

We had a two term governor, born in USA but parents from India. Why he was elected to a second term, I don't know. Louisiana paid for him to stay away from the state and run for President. If he can completely obliterate our educational system and medical system in four years, why they would put him in for four more is something I am sure even they do not understand. Nothing is the same as when I left. I retired from the state hospital system, which is no more. I do not know what the poor people do for medical care. I do know, they die. I believe our state has the worse medical system in the whole 50. Big Pharma has bought everything to where there is a joke about these old people eating cat food and saying, "well, I guess we switch to the dry cat food now." Our state is in shambles. I did not trust the system in the other state, but this is even worse.

Agree 100% Marita.

That is brave Gin. It is pretty bad when I full-out cry at Roger Miller's "King of the Road". I usually just keep my radio off. Now music is my granddaughter's life, she is 17, and I hear some of the new groups when she plays them on You Tube, but I cannot understand the words, so I am good with them.

George, we wish there was so much we could change. Maybe you can help your sister now too. I cannot believe he is gone. Almost a year now and I cannot believe it. I just cannot find him. I can see him but I cannot feel him. He was not supposed to leave first. Nothing we can do. But, maybe you can help your family. My diet won't let me eat anything healthy. It is called low residue diet. No raw vegetables, can have cooked carrots and green beans and potatoes. Never lettuce, tomatoes, anything with seeds, chocolate, or corn. The dietitian could not believe I had to stay on it but she called me and said I could have wheat bread. I can have all the white flour, sugar, all the stuff that is bad for you. You have done a lot of studying. I hope your sister benefits from this. Billy always wanted to eat healthy, but he could not give up the smokeless tobacco. No matter how many vitamins and supplements we bought, it was useless.

Missing, just start out and pour your heart out. Don't worry about sounding any other way than yourself. I get on here sometimes and have run on fingers and never get my point across. No one cares. We are here to grieve and we are here to help you in your grief. There are some wonderful people on here and nothing you say hasn't already been said. We all hurt and we probably bleed a lot in our words. That is what we are here for, you will feel our empathy in our words back to you. Just tell us what you want to tell and what you feel like saying. If you feel more comfortable, just read and you will find we are all kindred spirits.

Not weakness Butch. You are very strong to seek help when you know you need it. I am dragging my feet. I admire your strength. I hope I can gather my own.

Cookie, I read what some of you all go through and I feel like such a sissy. But that old saying about misery loves company does apply to us. And we cringe in guilt because we really do not want anyone to hurt as bad as we do. But we do, and each one of us has the added hurts that pile on top of us. I don't know why, but nearly every morning I start getting anxiety before noon. Billy liked to read until 2:00 am. He would fix coffee before he went to bed, I would turn it on in the morning and he would wake up somewhere before noon, probably around 10:00 or a little later. I would fix his coffee with honey and take it to him each morning when I heard him stirring in the bed. Maybe that is why I start having anxiety. Maybe I just need to have my one cup of coffee at that time. I don't know. I have no answers. I'm just glad I had him for so long. I would have liked more time though. Wouldn't we all? I know your worried about your fur baby. I worry so about my son and daughter who neither are well. Scott took so many drugs we almost lost him to hep-C. Kelli, well Kelli always has something wrong with her. And me.............I just keep taking my MiraLax and temperature ever so often.

After 15 years it was just odd to call my Dr. by the doctor name as I knew her at the hospital also. So, we were on first name basis. Now the one that was in training, he had a lot to learn and I had to get away from him fast. As it was, she was training him also, so what I told her about his tactics, how inappropriate they were for me at that time, he finally went to work at a state hospital and honestly, I would have opened him up his own room and locked it at night. I have typed so many different ones also, so many different hospitals, I know what to watch out for. But, that thread "Vulnerable" puts us all in a different predicament than just depressed. I understand, but I have also got to get them to understand I cannot take their antidepressants. My insides are ticking time bombs and they will just have to understand. I think I can get my point across. I don't expect them to alleviate the depression of grief, I think that is something we live with, good days, bad days, but I do have other issues too. Don't we all? I am not sure I would like to be my doctor. My daughter once told one of her psychiatrists something I had said. I was correct. She called me Dr. Mims. He was not familiar with me, of course. She was being sarcastic. Then she told him sometimes I thought I knew as much as the doctor after taking their transcription for over 40 years. He told her that I probably was as smart. Of course I know only words on paper, but I hope I am not too vulnerable that I forget what I want to say and get afraid. I will print out that from above.

I had a man picked out, but maybe him not taking any new patients was a good thing. I picked out a female and we will see how that goes. You don't just pick up your phone and make an appointment, guess you have to be interviewed, but in that case, I will get to interview the doctor also. We will see how that goes. I have seen my daughter on Medicare and Medicaid have better luck finding physicians than I do with Blue Cross and Medicare. I am still not trusting of anyone but the doctor that retired, but maybe I will like this woman. If not, I don't have to go but once.

Did not think about that. I think the relief that he was not going to be the one covered up logical thinking. I am really having a hard time with trust. I want to argue, even politics. I won't argue religion, that is a no-no subject to argue. But I hate politics and I'm arguing ferociously with people. I totally hate politics, but am becoming an ornery person.

Okay, I gutted up. I researched the many physicians in the "big city" and found a geriatric psychiatrist. I recognized the name, his dad had trained at our hospital in orthopedics. I called. They were accepting no new patients. Guess there are a bunch of us old crazies around. I was sort of relieved. I don't know why, but around 10:00 to noon, that is when I have my worse anxiety. Maybe that was because that was the times I would be taking Billy his coffee after he had read till 2:00 a.m. He and my neighbor widow's husband did not like to get up early. I will keep looking. I don't like October. It brings ill winds.

Gwen, I hear you and it makes me less likely to go to a shrink. I cannot take their antidepressants. My heart is with you Gwen. We are vulnerable and that makes me more scared. I have got to where I don't trust. I trust Marty, but I have studied up on the people I have around me and I am just not sure of anything.-

Addiction is a disease. They have on my husband's death certificate CA of colon, yet there was only one nodule in his colon and the cancer was mostly in his liver. Billy had an addiction too. He was addicted to nicotine. I cannot definitely tell you his addiction killed him, but from reports that were given to me his liver was destroyed by the cancer.. He kept a dip in his mouth all the time I knew him, after he gave up the cigarettes. We had no signs. He had his twice yearly checkups. So, quite possibly his addiction to nicotine all his life took his life. He could not give it up. He tried, he would cut down to two cans a week, but I was told it was one of the hardest addictions to let go of. There are addicts that do not mean to to an overdose, they do not mean to end their life. My mother smoked the majority of her 95 years. My son's liver does not function 100% because of his addiction, that he does not have now. We lose many people to overdoses because they did not control the amount or took it with liquor. Not everyone wanted to leave us. I know myself, addiction to drugs is a disease. Not only that, but the tendency to be addicted is passed down in families. My great grandfather died in the Charity Hospital from alcohol, his great granddaughter died in her 16-year-old son's arms from alcohol. Whatever the diagnosis is, whether it is right or wrong, we have to learn to live without them. I have possibly said too much. My first article from a resident at the teaching hospital that was published in a urology journal was that smokeless tobacco played a role in kidney cancer. Billy's adrenal glands had cancer all in them. I know of no family that suffers the death of a family member that does not suffer the effects of the reason that person died, whether it is from cancer or a drug, speed or nicotine. I could get angry at Billy for keeping on with the smokeless tobacco. But, he could not give it up. Other people could, but he could not. It is like he told me when I had cancer "if you die, all your problems will be over with and the sadness and problems of the world will be left on us that survive." The wording was not the same but the meaning was. And, that is how it is. My heart is with you. Sometimes people get a hold of something they cannot handle and we cannot help them. Their worries are over with now. Ours are not. I don't believe any of them wanted to leave us though. I do not write this lightly. I do not want to offend. I write it with nearly three quarters a century of living and over half of that with a man that could never give up his nicotine. He had an addiction. I have had one also and if the drug had not been taken away from me and made illegal, I would not be here.

Oh Kaye, you know I love the dickens out of you. As far as knowing what I am doing. I never have any idea what I am doing. And, I am sure that 99.9% of the people on here know I have no idea what I am doing.. Sometimes I just don't take directions well. Sometimes I am just stubborn. I'm sorry.

Kaye, sorry if it looked like I took offence.. I only go back and read my posts if I want to remove something. Sometimes when I post, I feel totally naked, and that is not a pretty sight. I think my sister might have meant that I lack humility not because I do not think of others, but that I live inside myself too much. But, she has had so much psychology courses that she thinks possibly she can diagnose. Myself, I feel like a huge bug that has just hit the windshield. Sometimes I think of my head as that of Medusa with snakes sticking out everywhere. Poor analogy. Did you ever look at the word analogy Anal is the first four letters. I never noticed that till now. Another word salad.

I will sit down and listen and read. I sometimes wonder if it is too late for me to do anything since Billy and I both were enablers. That is one reason sometimes it almost seems easier to disappear. But, I cannot do that either, except like Billy did. Then, like he told me once, "all your worries will be over with and they will be put on someone else." I have one who understands, another that, well, is mental. No offence to anyone, but don't you think that after 15 years of psychotherapy I don't understand what goes on? This was not a touch and go deal, it was a solid weekly and then monthly 15 years. I spent some hospital time also. I also realize, there are no magic potions, that what I put into it is what I will take out of it. I also know how it works. I also know you have got to accept help, but when one of mine is hurting, if I can help, even a shrink cannot make me quit helping.. Like I say, I know I will get out of it what I put in and accept. Sometimes I think my only help is prayer, and that is also something I have to accept. I realize the person here that is being stubborn is me. I have lost faith in a lot of things, and medical science is one of them. I realize it is all up to me. I think I remember some apostle in the Bible doing battle with himself. Not that I could compare myself to an apostle, but they were human too. I will just shut up about it until I can figure out where to go, what to do, and when to do it. Then it might take more than one visit to different doctors. I am definitely a doubting Thomas.

Thank you Cookie and Steve. Cookie, I think this is a very good therapist. Again, he has been through the fire. My sister has had many classes in psychology and was a child protection worker for over 20 years. She gives me little quotes on how I am supposed to feel often. In one ear and out the other. Books cannot do anything but teach how to, they cannot "do." I really don't like to open myself up like this. I will leave this on for awhile. You can see why I need a therapist, and it is not just grief. I need Billy very much right now. I hope he is listening. Sometimes I think I cannot handle things. Then I remember, I do not just live for myself. I'm sorry, I took most of this down. I left it up for awhile. Some things just need to be discussed with a therapist, and it will be. Some things I need to keep quiet about except if I find the right therapist. It is not just me that needs help, but I need direction.

No, I don't want to go, but yes, I think I need to go.

I ordered big pocket pants, Tee shirts, and long tee shirts for cold weather. Not much money, everything covered, did not care how it looked.