Margm

I put on here how I feel. Now I feel I need a therapist. Why do I need a therapist? I tell you all everything. Sorry, I do get carried away with my word salads at times.

This is my bad time of the year also Gin. I try not to think, but it invades my mind anyhow. Again, from one of the books I read, and I do know how crazy this sounds, but this woman author, when her husband died she got rid of all of her own clothes instead of his. Gave me some solace, that is the first thing I did, I got rid of my clothes and replaced them. I have no idea why. Christmas came and went, his birthday, my birthday, our anniversary, none hurt like reliving those last few moments.. One step at a time. Gotta try to numb down. I can do it.

I have put one like this on here before. It still stands as true. Like I have said (but it is evident without my saying), I am a strange person. I enjoy being strange. We are all different. I enjoy living out of my boxes. Family wants to help me make it look more like a "home." I don't want it to look like a home. It isn't a home. It is protection from the elements. I have had my home on earth. Faith tells me I will have a permanent home. My faith is not my strongest part of me right now. Until then, I love my "box house." I don't know what tomorrow will bring. Maybe nothing. But, the talk of suicide disturbs me, maybe because I have visited the idea. I don't think I have ever lived for myself, there is always someone else I have to help live also. Maybe that is why I am still here. I won't ponder the why's, I will just walk down that path and where ever it leads, I will go. I read a lot of quotes. I meet a lot of different authors that I never studied before. They are interesting. What's more, those men and some of the women lived in my lifetime. Maya Angelou had some of her worse real life nightmares a few miles from where I grew up, and still she rose above it. I did not know people were treated like she was when I was growing up in that small papermill town. If lynchings happened, I never heard of it. She lived through many horrors that I can only imagine, because they were not part of my life. And still she lived, and she lived alone most of the time because she was alone, except for the people she helped take care of.. But still, life and death are a choice, if you want to make it a choice. And being alone, well, you were born that way and you will die that way. I have found that quotes will not save my life, but sometimes they make me look at myself. "Keep on going, and the chances are that you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I never heard of anyone ever stumbling on something sitting down." Charles Kettering Now that one spoke to me, because I am sitting down.

I don't feel qualified to discuss this seriousness and could not stand it if anything I said might be taken as a reason to commit suicide to someone that already has that on their mind. I am deleting most of my conversation because I did not read the article.

Gin, our kids hear what they want to here. Mama has always been "just fine" and she comes through everything "just fine." They don't look at the bottom of our feet at the burn scars, or into our eyes at the constant sorrow. Yesterday in my "Grief One Day at a Time" was written this: "Keep on going, and the chances are that you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I never heard of anyone ever stumbling on something sitting down." Charles Kettering I have become "friends" with a lot of authors with their quotes. I read up on them and think "I didn't know that." Like C.S. Lewis, who we quote often. His death was overshadowed by the killing of our President Kennedy. It came to me, this man lived in my lifetime. I wish we all had someone. I wish we had just enough attention but not too much attention. Billy has not been gone a year and I find myself in the same position my mother was in. The thing was, my mother, I believe, planned out the way she wanted it to go. I moved into an apartment because I hate houses, and Mama very much intended to die in her house. I think she did everything intentional so that my sister owed it to take care of her. She always told me they did more for my sister because she did not have anyone to take care of her like I did. But, I never was jealous and did not see the land mines that woman was planting. She bought and paid for her final care and died in her house. Mama was right, there is a fine line between genius and insanity. I didn't plant land mines, but I allowed them to be planted. Now I have to gingerly dig them up and dispose of them. I hope I live long enough. See, there is always a purpose.

I did not read the article. All I can go on is my own life. I have been close to suicide twice but have lived a long life between those times. I don't feel qualified though to discuss this. This forum did save my life. Of that I am sure and thankful for. My life right now is tumultuous and I should not even talk till I talk to a counselor/shrink. "I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep."

Kay, she is taking it stoically. Sometimes people are not happy until they really have something bad. But then again, if Billy had complained more maybe we could have done more. My son's partner can feel it when her proteins, and any part of her lab work hurts. It is impossible to feel these things, but you cannot tell her that. For Gosh sakes don't mention any illness around her, "my aunt, my cousin, my mother, her mother, and I have all those symptoms." You think this is an exaggeration, it is a simplification of how she acts. My son turns a deaf ear. We all just change the subject, or try to. Do not mention medical or medicine around her. She can feel pain in her capillaries. I am not exaggerating this at all. A true mental illness and a sad one because the doctor's quit listening. Then this tremendous thing does happen. I do not understand people at all. I mean no-one.

Her dad always took her to her psychiatric appointments at the big hospital. Her dad was always with her coming out of surgery. It was always her dad. He was a wonderful father. He was so much better a mother than I was. I told her that he is going to be with her this time and she seems to know that. Sometimes maybe her little mind can accept her dad being with her more than mine can. My son and daughter both feel him with them. I try to. I talk to him constantly. Somehow, I feel he will be with her. They are going to take care of the two in her kidneys also. She is a former nurse so she and the doctors will get along great. Billy used to wince when they would look for her veins. She slept over here all day and just went home. Her partner will be with her this week end into the week next week and we will know something probably Monday. The doctors are going to learn the procedure. Our LSUMC Hospital used to be one of the best teaching schools around. Now it stays in lawsuits with the place that was supposed to be partnering with it. The Governor Jindal ruined the medical and educational system in Louisiana. I don't know if Louisiana will ever recover from his plans to be president. I'm just glad Kelli did not fall through the wide cracks in our medical system.

Gin, I used to type all the surgeries and used to be up on everything but when it involves my family, my mind shuts down. Supposedly the female doctor that does this either invented it or made it her own. I have not read up on it. Used to I knew those books in our medical library and how to find things without the card catalog. Remember in the old days before computers how we had to look up stuff. LSU had a wonderful library. I spent time during breaks lunch, always late coming back, researching my kind of cancer. When I got into the part of them dissecting a rabbit's female parts, well then I decided I was in way too deep and like my doctor asked me to do, I quit researching. I have not looked on Google about these tumors. I do know they are called cysts also and are made up of bony parts inside the tumor/cyst, very strange. I decided I needed to quit reading. She has been very ill. But, she has been such a hypochondriac all her life that we just never knew. Hypochondria is a mental illness also. It makes it where you don't know when to believe them or not. Well, this time she definitely is ill. I wonder sometimes if this is what she wanted. I know how bad that sounds but sick people get attention, and bless her heart she has tried to get attention for so long. One time supposedly she was in the ER from a suicide attempt. It never happened. I am definitely worried about her. I lived with a mother with mental illness and my dad I am sure was bipolar. Both kids have been diagnosed as bipolar and that is why I went into such extensive psychotherapy for myself. I felt guilty like I had given them this mental illness. Instead, I am a boring chronic depressive, not even anything interesting. So, since the tendency to have bipolar is inherited and Billy was OCD, the bipolar must have come from my dad. I kinda liked it like they had it in the old days and kept the different one in the back room. (My mom and dad would never have let me see the light of day). If I sound flippant, I am not. I am very worried and I want to be with her. They are going on a small airplane belonging to the big hospital.

I would buy shoes that I liked in different colors. They were dressy and comfortable. My hose were on, I had to jump in my shoes fast and head out. Got to work and had a beige shoe on and a black one. Tried to stay close to my desk. Oh, I got laughed at.

They had tried a trial of chemo they do for bone cancer to get rid of the dermoid tumors in Kelli's brain. Did not work. There are two doctors from here that are going to fly with her to the Cleveland Clinic to let her undergo the gamma knife removal of these. It is a radiation procedure. I hate for her to be alone, no family, but she has developed two in her kidneys. I don't know why they have started up again. She had her ovaries removed in her very early 20's because of these. She has had them in her breasts. I do not know what causes them. People usually have them on their kidneys and have to have kidney transplants. Possibly could be the cause of her bizarre behavior. She has always been somewhat of a hypochondriac so we never knew when to take it serious. Well, this is serious. I just wonder, are there some people who actually get jealous of other people for having life threatening illnesses? Her partner had double breast cancer and our daughter just got more and more bizarre in her anger and outbursts. She goes to a shrink. There will be two doctors from home with her, they are learning the technique. She will just have to know her daddy is with her. I don't think anyone else is allowed to go.

I have too many people that I would hurt, my granddaughter mainly, and my son, my sister and my friends. I think sometimes we all feel just like sugarless vanilla ice cream. Poor analogy I know. There are those on here who have suffered the pain of a suicide, and like I said, as painful as it was for Butch, he fought to live. I know each of us would do the same thing. Look at his beautiful granddaughter he gets to love. I want to see my granddaughter find her niche in life and find her special person to share life with. The school she will be attending was where I first met Billy. I can wish many years of happiness for her too.

I know this is going to sound ugly JJ, but have you checked to see if they have a pulse. They have a granddaughter and they are not coming around? Impossible (for me). My mom and dad were terrible grandparents. I actually did not let my kids stay with them because I didn't want to subject my kids to their coldness. Thankfully, Billy loved kids so much and kids loved him. He was a fabulous father and grandfather. I never could understand anyone that do not want to lavish love on those babies. My 17-year-old granddaughter lives with me and lived with us most of her life. I'm sorry if I spoke out of line, but I cannot understand them not coming around that baby. But of course, you need love and attention also.. I hope you have family. I have not read any of your notes up until the one above, but I have been known to speak out of turn.

Gwen, I am not going to do anything to hurt myself. The doc's have already told me if something else happened to my "innards" they could not fix it. Now, they can perform a colostomy, I know that, but for anything GYN they cannot fix it. Thankfully, I don't use my "GYN" anymore so there is nothing to fix. But, my sister wants me to have regular checkups. I do admit, for a long time I did not eat but I would drink the Boost and Ensure, enough to keep calories up. Lately though (and my inner psychiatrist is telling me this Marty), I am eating way past being full. Sometimes to the point of throwing up. I know it is trying to fill some empty space and I have gained weight. After the cancer I watched my weight often because losing weight without trying meant trouble. Now I am eating myself to death, so maybe that is a form of self destruction. Will talk to my shrink, when I get one. What I am saying, I guess, is the will to live is not a strong survival instinct right now, and I think that is what you are feeling. Reminds me of that old song "Old Man River" again. "Tired of living but skeered of dying." I don't even know if that was the words and not going to look it up. I think it is (oh, there is that stupid word "normal") for us to lose our will to fight to live when we have lost the best half of us. But you know what? Butch was faced with dying and he fought to live. So maybe even if we don't care if we live or not, if we are faced with it, our natural instinct will be to live. I know your not happy. And this is not for everyone, maybe it is just for bawdy old women like me, but that Netflix show "Grace and Frankie" made me laugh so much. It was so nice to laugh. It might not be for you, but it sure was for me. Guess I am a nasty ole gal.

Gwen, I doubt I have anything any family member would want. I have never been into fine furniture or any thing else. Actually, boxes suit me fine. As for inheritance. They get it every day.

George, sometimes I feel so tired and old that I think I will just leave the nearly 17 boxes packed and not bother with them. Scott got me out of the house today. He was worried because for the past year I really have not done any exercising (mine is just walking) and I am stiff. There is a a park close that actually used to be a ball park and Billy played baseball and softball for years there. We were there at least twice a week and they kidded that Scott would be born in the stadium. So today, we went there. The stadium is gone and it is made into just a park. Over at the end of the park is a historic cemetery. It has the historic marker in it. I went inside it and some of the stones have been replaced with newer ones. The names sounded familiar. So, I came back to t he apartment, went into our place on Ancestry.com and found out one of them is my great-great-great grandfather. Founders of this old home town I moved to. Sleeping a few blocks from me are my ancient relatives. He was born in 1805. I have come home. Billy is not here physically, but I am him and he is me. As an addendum, you would be surprised how helpful those boxes are to hold TV's, bedside tables, coffee table in living room. Maybe not designer chic, but they are my kind of decorating.

Well you know I had a plan ready and if my religion was not so screwed up right now I might have carried it out in the first week, but I found this group after three days and Billy said the one left must stay, he also said I am him and he is me, so maybe the he in me wanted to live. Waiting for psych appointment. Not suicidal but still not happy about living, yet will not do anything about it, but sad to say, I'm not having a real good time about right now. Don't think anyone is. This too shall pass. Breathe. I think even if your faith is mixed up right now, or if you have no faith at all, I don't think any of us would want to do anything that in this great beyond that we know nothing about, that we might mess up possibly being with our mates again on whatever realm that will be. Yep, shopping for that shrink.

Laura, I cannot look at other couples with envy. I had Billy 54 years. Some had lots less. There are friends and relatives whose husbands and wives are still living and I am so happy for them. In the back of my head though is the knowledge that one will face this pain. In your sisters lives, they will face pain of loss. All a person can do for someone that has lost their best part of their life is to be there when they need to cry. And you can cry with them. But we cannot help them, it is a path a person has to walk alone. But, we can listen. My heartfelt feelings are with people that have or will lose their reason for living. But, we go on. The only choice we have is really not a choice.

I deleted my short answer, it belongs under another heading.

Do not know how to delete the whole thing, but what I meant to say belonged under another heading.

I saw Billy's family do this after his dad's death. I never could see the point in it. They rented in a house that had an outside toilet. The man never kept his paycheck, all he wanted was his "chew" out of each check. They had no good furniture, no savings. He drove the tractors on the roads and would pick up rusty tools people changing tires would just forget or throw away. Yet, here was his family squabbling over his belongings. I was so proud of Billy. He watched it going on, there was actually fussing, loud fussing, and finally he said "I got all I needed from Daddy." They jumped on him wanting to know what he had taken. He said "I had his love." And he did. Naturally I think so, but Billy was my exceptional man. I hate it when families fuss. I have one child that says "you did this for the other" and expects the same in return. And, this is why I have to go to a shrink again, so I can learn how to better handle mental illness.. (Not my own, although my mental illness is not being able to say "no."), but being able to protect and stand up for myself now that Billy is not here to do it for me.

Peter, it will be a year for me in October. I found this group at three days. I kinda like to think Billy pointed me the way to go. They have saved my life and circumstances that have happened since his death make it necessary to find one on one counseling. If the first does not work out, I will not blame myself (I am stubborn though), but will keep looking. You are wise to seek your own counseling too. Billy leaving was the worse trauma of my life, but since he left other things have happened that I need guidance with, so seeking help is the thing to do. And, this group, they are the best, most understanding, helpful people in the world.. And, that is one thing that makes them special, they are from all over this world and grief pain is universal. And, you can say anything. We have all been "there" in some form or other.

Karen, I understand. I deleted the majority of this note because it was not really pertaining to our losses. You got my private message. All we can do is everything possible to help our grandchildren and both of us happy they are giving us reason to be alive at this moment in time.

Karen, I love your grandson.

George we are so alike and yet we are all so different. The pain is unbearable sometimes and different things trigger it for all of us. Keeping a journal is so important for many of you. I did write once the other night, but it was a good night, no real crying or anything. But, the times I wrote before, right afterwards, I read them and they tore my heart out. It was like pouring alcohol on a deep wound. I ripped them out of the notebooks and threw them away never wanting to see them again. Yet, that very thing, it helps some people. Some people can look at the pictures and it helps. I have not reached that stage yet. Music soothes some people. Just listening to a nonsensical song like Roger Miller's "King of the Road" made me cry because Roger Miller was gone now. My daughter thought I had lost my mind. I came back down here to find the young Billy and myself, the happiness we had here. That happiness was there once, but it would only be here now if Billy was here too. But, I do not regret leaving the state Billy left me in for our home state. I have such surreal feelings of not knowing where I am for an instant and forget I can go different places that I could not go in the other state. Then Mama passing. I have not grieved my mother. Why can't I grieve my poor mother? Oh well, I guess these are things I will have to discuss with a shrink. Just saying, we each are different yet we are all the same. And my heart is with each one of you.