Margm

Gin, Billy had a distinctive handwriting. He printed rather than cursive. I found one of his notes that he must have gone fishing early and left me a note saying "Love You, be back by noon". I took it and taped it on his wooden urn in the bookcase at the end of the hall. When my son came over and headed to the bathroom he did a double take of the note. He said "Mom, that gave me a crazy feeling seeing that in Dad's handwriting."

Mitch, when I saw that I cried. I had to go back in to edit, and I was not going to change it because it spoke more of my anguish at this moment than the correct title.

OMGosh, Traz, sorry I have not written. I go back and forth into my own world, but I get so angry when I see that people think we are strange for still missing our life, our hearts, our brains, our mechanisms that make us get up in the morning and go to bed at night. One thing those people will see in their future, unless they die first, they will see grief as they never imagined and I am not sure if the grief fog will hide their terrible treatment of grieving people, but at some time they will remember saying bad things to grief stricken people. To me it is the same as knocking a legless person out of a wheelchair and telling them to get up and walk. Billy will be gone one year October 17. Lost my mama on August 9th. It made me grieve harder for Billy and I cannot understand that. But, at first, those first 2-3 months or so I would see older couples together and it would horrify me the fact that one of them was going to lose the other. We had 54 years together but I get jealous of people that had 55 and my uncle and aunt have 64. The Queen of England I think will have 75 years and I get jealous of all those people. I think I even was angry at my poor mama for living 95 years and I would have nursed Billy for any number of years if I could have kept him. But, if he had been in his right mind, what would that have done to him. Those five weeks from finding out he was terminal until he left passed by so fast I would not let him say goodbye. And, he lost so much of his dignity in those five weeks why would I ever want him to hurt longer. Traz, you have come to a good place. The people here have empathy and not just sympathy; They know your hurt.

Marty, I made copies of all this to study over. My sister has someone she wants me to go to and she insists on female. I honestly would first off seek a female if it wasn't for the men we have on our forum. They all understand as only a griever (man or woman) can and I think any one of them would make a good counselor, if the counselor I go to has as much empathy as these men. I won't name them by name because my jumbled up brain will leave one out and remember it later. I will say all of them though. Marty, yesterday on Labor Day, Wolfelt quoted you in his book Guilt One Day At a Time. Since it was Labor Day he quoted "It's called grief work because finding your way through grief is hard work. If you put it off like a messy chore, it just sits there waiting for you." Marty Tousley. I like this author very much and would recommend his books if they are not already on the list. ADDENDUM: I am going to leave it like I wrote it, but the book is named Grief One Day at a Time but you see what I wrote. Some Freudian slip. Probably says it all. This is not the first time I have misquoted this book title.

You are right Marty. I think though, unless they have experienced loss, their teachings are not self-felt feelings. You have had your feet in the coals, you understand, I don't want sympathy, I want empathetic understanding, like you have. I have a strong sister widow network, I will find someone. The thing is, I realize I need help. I am not at home right now, and I am going to get this fellows name wrong, but Wolfelt, PhD said I might need to go to more than one if it is not a good fit. At least I am in a bigger "market" than I was in the other state. I am not suicidal, but not caring if you live or die is not healthy. I realize I need help.

I think this plays into my feelings too WW. I know this sounds stupid and pretentious, but having had 15 years of psychotherapy, having worked with doctors for 43 years, sometimes I think I know about as much as they do. The things Marty has replied with have helped me, but I think time is going to be the best practitioner. Still, I am going to find a counselor. I found one, researched, and talked myself out of this one. Will look some more. I know what they will tell me when I go in,, it is normal grief. And, I cannot take antidepressants because of my compromised colon. Also, doctors tend to not be as invested in the older patient. I know some will not agree with that, but it is my feeling. I think my mom's passing made Billy's death even more real, if that is possible. I don't know what Billy would have done if I had gone first. I think he had time to confront those feelings when I was near death with sepsis after the colon rupture. I went through some tough months of pain and then we bought the RV a year later. I think he would have lived in the RV and stayed away from people, just the opposite of what I did. I feel he faced up to the possibility that I would go first. I always felt I would also. That is why he told me the one left must stay/live. I cannot even remember his words exactly, but the day he told me that I can see him sitting on the sofa. I was on the computer, as usual, and someone had passed away within minutes of their spouse. I read that off to him and he told me his feelings. When we bought the RV we did not know he was ill. Even then it would have been too late to do anything. You just never know what life is going to throw at you. You either catch the ball and live or you are destroyed. I just have not decided if I want to catch the ball yet. We have had a new member that I have not answered yet. I tried to but everything I wrote sounded so trite. I have to get outside myself and I think writing twice today may have helped. WW, sometimes when our mate passes, the one left gets less money.. Billy would have got less if I had gone first. That is why I worked about 14 more years to get the SS that would have brought our state retirements up to what either of us would have received. It seems sometimes the woman is the one not taken care of as well, and there are so many things wrong with that. Maybe the world sees us as stronger than we think we are. I wonder, does the "world" know something we don't? I know how strong you seem to be, and being much younger than I am, I know you also have longer to grieve. But, trying to put in perspective what our spouse would have done if we had gone first is a good step to take in assessing our losses. I remember one member saying her husband could not have made it, but I think Billy could have made it, just not as long as expected. Sometimes being older is not a bad thing.

Butch, I am so sorry. I have lost people from my life and I grieved for them. Then I lost my mama on the 9th of August. I did not grieve. I sat with her body and tried to close her eyes. It is strange not to grieve for my mom, but I lost her so long ago when her mind left her. She used to recite poems to me along with fairy tales. She was the one who made my mystical, magical imagination and when she passed, all I could think of was that Billy had left me. Instead of grieving my mom, I have grieved Billy more. She used to recite a poem from Joyce Kilmer called "The House With Nobody in it." I have felt like that poem all year. More so now than ever. Grief is very strange, my mom passing made me grieve Billy more, if that is possible. Yes, I truly believe your dad died of a broken heart. I am glad you have little Gracie as your heart. Our granddaughter was Billy's heart, and I have that part of him with me. I doubt if any of our death certificates would indicate that we died of a broken heart, but I think we all feel that way.

Joyce, you and Marty are both right. I found one. He was at my hospital when I worked there so will try it out. Not quite sure it is a psychiatrist I need (and yes, sometimes I think I know more than the doctors). Anne, I wrote all that and maybe I need to find a grief counselor like you said. I can use my run-on fingers, but sometimes it is as simple as two words. But I have so many books by them and I am being stubborn again. I put two more books on my Kindle last night and they did not help, one was by my Grief one day at a Time fellow Alan D Wolfelt, PhD., and as usual I could read a few lines and then my mind would stray. Concentration is not my strongest thing at this time. Neither is putting one foot in front of the other.

I will find a counselor,, I have to. I don't know what it is. I cannot describe it, I just know I don't want to hurt anyone else with my lifelessness. I have things I have to do. My mom has passed and maybe somewhere the conflict between losing Billy and then my mom has collided in my brain. I remember my first mama, (same body for 95 years), my second mama which appeared after my sister came and she suffered some lifetime postpartum illness, then the mean person after my dad passed. I cannot help but admire her courage, even her anger at his passing and making her miss a job promotion. Some of this was senseless and turned into the mom from hell that her little mind just dissolved into. Strange, I am not afraid my mind is turning into that, but these past 10 months have been spent worrying about other people and have turned me into a hermit. I speak to people, but I don't want to. I want to answer people on here but I delete it. Somewhere along the line my family drama mixed with death have made a strange person that wants to hide. I feel like I am failing people, I just hope I can find a counselor I can trust. I will search long and hard and soon. I am sorry everyone. I hate to desert anyone.

I think I do better when I worry about the rest of you all. My son and daughter are driving about six hours to go to a ballgame. I will put that out of my mind. I have written on here, I have answered other posts and I don't know if I left them up. Sometimes the words I put down seem to flow through my fingers. Then, I read them and they seem totally pointless, so I delete them. I usually can at least write word salads. It seems like I am reliving this month from last year. Facebook put a "memory" picture and it was the last one Billy took with his new camera. Or did he have his new camera then? Shopping, comparing, writing down all the pro's and con's was Billy's way of shopping, and shopping online gave him time to look. I know the camera and equipment were all his birthday present and he shopped for days and days. Good price, too high, made of shabby material? He kept busy on the computer just shopping. I think I am reliving that time and know it was the beginning of the end. I am selfish. Sometimes I do climb inside myself. I fussed at my granddaughter yesterday. I never do that. And yes, I feel terribly guilty. I did take my sister out to eat. Even then though it is like I have to be somewhere else and want to leave. Everywhere I go I have to leave. This is a new side of me I don't like. So change it!!!!!! I don't know if I can. It is almost like I am running from something, but I am really not moving at all. I have shown fear often, but now I seem frozen in some kind of fear. I am looking out the window at life and I don't want to live it, anywhere. I cannot decide on a counselor. I need to. I don't think I am asking for help, that might mean I am open to suggestions and I seem steadfast in my stubbornness. I have to break this mood. It does not seem like my depression which I have fought forever, this is different, it is sort of a mindless fear.

I have not looked at news or weather. I hate politics but I am going to turn on the TV in back bedroom. Bri does not watch current events. She hates all the war and killing. Sometimes I would like to save her from it all, but it is part of living too. We have some in Florida also. George, you all be careful. We have had so much destruction in North Louisiana, Central and South Louisiana now too. Be safe.

Me, me, me (Billy).

You and me We sweat and strain Body all aching And wracked with pain Tote that barge Lift that bale Get a little drunk And you land in jail I gets weary Sick of trying I'm tired of living Feared of dying And now I am gonna be going over "Ole Man River" in my mind over and over. I get angry at everything some time or the other. Bless his heart, Billy tried to keep me from fighting back for years. He is the one who taught me to fight back. I used to be a meek little woman that scared easily. I looked for a therapist today. We have lots of them. I probably just need to get back in church. Personally, I don't know what I need, but whatever it is I want it to be what I want to do when I want to do it.

None of my friends drive at night so they have started having lunches instead of nightly dinners/suppers. Kay, you are very smart and I know you won't let this hang on too long. I think the death of our mate somehow even years later attacks our immune systems. "Wanting to live, enjoying living" would be a boost to our immune system. Sounds like none of us are having too good of a time lately. Wish sometimes we had Harry Potter's invisibility cloak. Moved this from other topic. Didn't seem to belong there. Someone in the family has rented a large house. (None of my business, I was not consulted). She said it was more than they could afford. Okay, I am silent. (Where is Billy when I need him). Today I was told/asked that when my lease is up in November I will be moving in? Question/fact? I said "hell, no". Surprise and asked again. Jokingly, "hell, no." Call a little while ago. No, I am not leaving this apartment. I'm sorry. Enough of that, but I was expecting it. You with fur babies, I love your love for your fur babies. Myself, I have never been responsible for just myself. I do not plan on getting an animal. (I am not an animal hater). I don't plan on getting another husband either. I would love to have the one I had back. I know already I am in for a battle, but I am not leaving where I am except to join Billy. Whatever happened to our golden years? This is not the end of it. It was once said that this person had nothing wrong with them except they had never been told "no" to. I am going to catch some bad stuff for this, but I have to stick to it. I am sure the granddaughter living with me is part of it. I lived so many years with my mama's mental problems. And, that is why the granddaughter is here. I do not hold her captive. I married to get away from my mama, I was lucky. I am thinking I might have to go to a therapist. I've been there before.

Moved to another category (by me)

I think some people are basically trying to help. There used to be an old saying when you would break up with a guy, or girl, that the only way to get over an old love was a new love. I think sometimes people who have not faced the death of a mate still live on that old idea. They don't understand, they mean well. We hope they don't have to understand because the first thing that will come to their minds is "I cannot believe I said that to Mitch, it was so lame." I have already had things I remember saying slap me in the face. Thank goodness for the forgiving people who see what crass remarks they once made. So just thank them and look at them with sad eyes that say "where I am is where you will be one day." They talk because they just do not understand. If they go first, they do not have to understand.

Anna, sounds like my life too. I knew a wonderful mama for nine years and somehow after my little sister was born, maybe it was postpartum madness that she never escaped from. Did you ever just look at a stranger and think "that person has thoughts just the same as I am thinking now, maybe not the same thoughts, but that person is alive like I am and living in his/her mind just like I am." I am not sure anyone will understand what I just said. I think sometimes my mama was right when she said there was a thin line between genius and insanity. I think she really knew what that meant. Myself, I am hanging on that line with my legs and arms, only I swing just below that line. And, I hope your eyes just get better and better. Kay, and all who are fighting illness, I want you so much to get well fast. Please. Hugs to all of you.

A month or so ago, when I was living by my neighbor Hettie, a former classmate had passed away and our class has been blessed, as old as we are, not to have lost more. This man/boy had fell and hit his head. He never came out of the coma. We had lost one, similar to one of our forum members, that just did not wake up in the morning and we had lost one to depression, a depression that he could not climb out of the hole from, so he pulled the hole down on himself. Each one of these just magnified Billy being gone, and to each of their mates, they were going through what we are going through. I put "boy" on here because that is who I remember, "the boy." Hettie saw my distress and said "we are at the age we are going to lose our friends. Her husband has been gone now over five years. She had lost a classmate in the week before our talk. I had unrealistically thought that Billy and I would RV away from all these friends, acquaintances, family and we would escape the grim reaper. I know how foolish I was. We were immortal. I hate reality. Everybody has to die, but I always believed an exception would be made in my case. Now what? Statement to the Associated Press, five days before his death. (13 May 1981) William Saroyan I'm sorry about your friend Kay. Every death only magnifies our sorrow. Losing my mother, oddly enough, has not brought me down as far as I thought it would.. Am I just inhuman or cold enough that I don't miss her? I cannot answer the question. My mother taught me to be independent while she made my sister dependent. She taught me a lot, but her being gone seems like I am freed up to mourn Billy fully now. Does that make any sense at all?

You all know I read and I write, because I am. I think in the Bible or somewhere God is called the "I am." So, I won't call myself those words. I will fall back on my "it is what it is." WW, that RV Sue has been doing this for many years. She has everything down to how she wants to live. I so admire her and once wanted to be like her, but with Billy with me. It is not a pretty situation without him. Cannot do it, don't want to do it. And, it really seems like, and looked like, The Garden of Eden, where I lived. But I am lazy and hate picking up fallen tree limbs after storms. We had a possum set up residence in the garage when we left the doors open. Billy cornered it, it was a big possum and was not going to leave. It was in the past 3-4 years and it hurt him having to kill the possum, but we could not make it leave.. We had wildlife in abundance in our two acres that backed up to a forest, and we lived in a forest. The woman leasing it writes me all the time how much they are loving it and her husband took off a day from work just to sit and look. She has five hummingbird feeders up. Billy put up the hooks because he liked watching them too. It makes me feel good that she enjoys it, but they are not much younger than Billy and myself and I cannot tell her that it should be called Widow Street. I could not stay there. It says not to do anything for a year. I still have 17 big boxes to unpack. I will wait until after that year. I wrote on some boxes, but at the end I just crammed things into boxes. I have the essentials out and in the meantime I use some of the 17 for bedside tables, coffee table, and the ones in the dining room are not all mine, they have to be moved out. My daughter is getting a bigger house with garage, so the rest of the family's things can be moved there. But, I'm not going anywhere, so I will wait out my year. Gotta go to the "big city" today. Counselor for my granddaughter. The days just tick on by. Somehow it is not like waiting for your birthday when we were kids, it is waiting till those footsteps behind us reach out and grab us.

George, I think we will always play the "what if's" over and over. It is just like when I start crying though, no amount of crying is going to bring him back and I know it. It just seems so futile, but I still do it. I did quit that screaming into a pillow though.. I think if I wanted to commit suicide, that would be one way to rupture something. And the crying until I could not breathe, that seemed so easy to just quit breathing period. I am going to put this on here and explain. Seeing that Gene Wilder passed away today brought back memories. When Gilda had cancer I had been fighting it too and read everything she wrote about it, and what Gene wrote about it too. Actually, the piece he wrote for People echoes what we all have said at some time or the other. When I read it, I read it as an afraid person fighting cancer. Gilda went through a period of macrobiotics (so did I), I tried it for a long time. Never could get used to eating that seaweed but the Umeboshi plums, Daikon radishes and miso soup I loved, and the brown rice. She and I both got tired of the diet and running around barefooted. Today when I saw he had passed away my first thought was that he was with Gilda again. I actually think he may have married since she passed away in 1989, but reading his piece he wrote for People magazine brought it all back and all my feelings when Billy was sick and after he passed away. http://www.people.com/article/gene-wilder-tearful-goodbye-gilda-radner George, I thought of your "what if's" when I read this piece again. I also remember writing you all that my grandmother said at 18 years the pain was like on the first day. Did not help my feelings, except I won't have that many years to suffer. Just goes to show that the mourning is actually as intense as the love. It also shows we still have to go on.

I think I read where if your house was being broke in to use the remote on your car that the honking would drive away burglar's. Sounds good to me, gotta get me a newer vehicle though. My truck had that but Scott's old truck does not. RV Sue, a woman that travels by herself all over the southwest in an RV, with two small dogs uses an air horn to scare away things. Can you imagine, she travels to way off vacant BLM land to park her RV. She is a retired teacher and likes to be alone, but has a blog that is very famous. I used to read it but gave up on it a few months ago. She is between 65 and 70. I don't think she is a widow, maybe divorced a long time ago, but she manages to do everything by herself. She was always an inspiration, but not right now. She is alone because she wants to be, we are alone because we have to be, but she still inspires.

Hugs to you Karen. I think that is what I would have to do also.

I thought I was going to RV but suddenly so many things in that house that was Billy's would not fit into an RV and RVing was his and my life, not mine alone. I became a terribly fearful creature. I was all of a sudden alone, ancient, and even considered assisted care living, except I did not really need assistance with anything except knowing how to live without Billy. So I did the last thing Billy would have done, I moved into an apartment. I miss nothing about that quiet mausoleum that was a house. It was so quiet the quiet was deafening. I was 100% safer than I am now, but I hear people, not wildlife. And I know Billy would tell me I was safer in that house, but I would have died if I had stayed there, I have no doubt. I don't know what the path is. I probably cannot see it because it is so short, but I don't care. I can understand people wanting to stay in their home. My mom was a homesteader, I am not. Of course I have no apologies to even Billy for doing this. I thought I could feel him more at "home." He is still gone and all I can do is look at the sky and say "I don't know Billy, I just really don't know." I don't know how to live, I don't know how not to live. If I go to a shrink he will say it is "natural grief." I am not happy, but I doubt if I ever will be. I will say I did have a lot of happy years, I should not complain, but I will complain. I will fuss, I will find roadblocks and have to go around them, but I will go around them. I understand what "live for today means." And, another "I don't care." But I have bills to pay (nope, not in debt at all) and life to live and I will do it, until I cannot, and then like Billy said "I will be gone and won't have any worries." And, we all have to keep on living and putting that one foot in front of the other and it really is what it is. Patty, I had the God complex too, certainly he was not going to die and I got angry at him for giving up. And, I will stop on that one.

I know the old saying "everywhere I go, there I am."

Gwen, I do try to hide sometimes..........truth.