Margm

"Sunday Morning Coming Down" always wakes me on Sunday mornings. No, not the music, the odors of food cooking. Does anyone cook any day but Sunday? I have not doubted my move from the big house. I am not unpacked. I still wonder where things are located, which box. I don't want to look. It is said to not make any major moves for one year and I immediately make the move that is necessary for me.. I could not stand to see Billy constantly sitting on that old couch. He tied his flies and he wrapped his graphite rods from that one sitting spot. I took things off the double table next to where he sat, I swept them into a box........somewhere in this house. I came down here to find the young Billy and myself. When I ride anywhere, and I am familiar with all these back roads, these country roads, all owned by private concerns. We went to Arkansas to roam the national forests. And roam we did, for 18 years. I road around places to get out of the house when staying at my daughters. Just looking for familiar landmarks. My son lives in the RV in his daddy's hometown. He visits all the old haunts. He finds comfort and the passion to paint the old pictures of that period of time. He does not have to look in distant places, that little town has not changed much at all. I moved to the apartment because Billy's presence in that house was blatantly absent. I cannot feel him here either, but the apartment and noise gives me comfort. In the end, I did have to consider myself. I also said it was to help my sister. My hurt was so bad, so fresh, I was no help in watching my mama die, death all over again. But, she passed away a long time ago. The little shell of a woman still had the sharp tongued mouth, but it was all bluster. When I was young it was mental abuse for me, and maybe her mental anguish was even greater than mine. This morning I looked to my right. No couch, but I could see Billy. I see him in the clouds and I always say "Billy, I don't know how, I just don't know what I am doing." He would know I did not know how to do anything without him. I told him I could not live without him, but here I am. This morning I pictured him and then I looked at the big fluffy clouds out my window. I cried sad, pitiful sobs. I don't do that very often. I am alone in the living room. Billy knows I have to take care of myself. And, one thing about being older, no one comes to me and tells me that I will find someone else. I did not cry for very long. It gave me a headache and it did not bring him back. I know it must have been mentioned on here before, the book, The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. I read excerpts from the book. I don't have to read it, I am living her book with all of you. I am ready for something funny, something that will make me laugh and not cry. Forgetting Billy is not an option, finding someone else is laughable to me. And, I guess I am waiting for that year to pass before I empty boxes. I moved. That was a big enough step.

Not having any control does make us crazier. Playing with semantics again. Sensitivity could take the place of "crazy," but I have never been offended by being called crazy. It is what it is. In my Grief One Day at a Time book, the author today explained this quote "I feel like a part of my soul has loved you since the beginning of everything. Maybe we're from the same star." --Emery Allen. It is explained by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. like this "When my soulmate dies, the only way to heal my grieving soul is with mourning that is as large as my love." I think most all of us have the mourning down right, now if the healing would only begin. I'm waiting. Sometimes platitudes don't mean a whit if we cannot locate the right attitude. I'm searching.

She is such a beautiful star addition to our forum. You have to look at her and smile. Thank you Butch for bringing life to a suffering few. Please compliment her mother too, I love her ribbons and bows.

Terri, I like the word "zombified" instead of numb-down; I like being zombified. My family, the older ones, were surprised that everyone was being cremated and ashes kept. My good friend, she has kept her mom's and dad's ashes and when she goes to family dinners, she takes her husbands urn along with her. At first I would take Billy's urn every-time I left the house. When moving I left him behind the seat of the extended cab for two nights and I told Scott I felt bad leaving Daddy in the heat. He thought that was sorta funny. I really try not to think about what happens to the body after death, I once read a book with the story line situated in one of the South American countries. The hero, after a few years, he was unceremoniously shoved out the back of his crypt so another body could occupy the space. I was so sad about that. His name was Dax, but cannot remember the book. I always liked them putting the body off on a boat and lighting the boat on fire. And the Native Americans building platforms high up for their deceased. Well, this is not a happy subject, is it? Hope you are feeling better WW. Hope things go to your liking in the place you live.

Marita, you said i t so perfect that I am just gonna copy. Hugs to all.

WK we should do what we want to do. We really cannot make it easier. My friend told me to keep busy. My mind goes very fast but my body does not follow. I get busy on 40 different things and complete none of them. The little verse under that is "I don't care." Busy or not we are sad. I like to get brain numb and sometimes I can. I wish that for everyone, but you still have to return to reality. My best to you. I loved your picture and wish you had had as many years as I had. But, no amount of years is enough.

George, do you know I really used to get angry when someone would say "when it's your time then it is your time." They were right. So, we do just keep moving forward don't we, until we can't. No magic keys. Lots of lack of joy. We are all in good company on here, we all understand each other.

Thanks Butch. I know we were all worried. So glad you got back to us fast. She is a beautiful little girl and I know she loves Grampy. Those little girls know how to twist their granddaddy's around their little fingers.

I think there is "Find a Grave" but really all he would have to do is google her name and I imagine he could find this information. That way her family will not suffer any more than what they already have, and we all know how bad that must be for them.

I gripe about my family all the time. But, though they ask much of me, they also give much. I cannot promise I will quit griping. I think I have done this always. That is probably why my daddy will nominate Billy to God to collect his wings. Just like my dad had to earn his wings by being married to my mom, so must Billy for being married to me. And Kay, I know why you live where you do. George's "closet" memory gave me a laugh too. Billy's idea of a heavenly place to live would not be where I am now. But, for some crazy, insane reason, it is where I must be, and I don't miss anything about the other place, except Billy, and he had left me in that place. I had a rough night the other night. I don't think anyone really understands me when I say I feel negative energy. I did not have time to read much the other night before my Xanax made me ready to sleep. I lay over on my back, looked at the almost bare wall (I have not put things up out of boxes yet), and all I could see was my mama's and Billy's death masks. They were on the wall, they were behind my eyelids if I closed my eyes and I was all at once in an anxiety ridden condition. I don't ever take two Xanax, (I have in extreme conditions) and this was extreme. I had tried to close my mama's eyes. I could not touch Billy. My mind could not process he was gone. Sometimes I cannot process it now. We still did not know he was leaving this date last year. It was just another day, getting ready for a new doctor's appointment. This negative energy, I felt it every night in the house I moved from. Maybe because Billy's energy was negative in that house. My sister is a confirmed ...........what do I call it? Is it spinster, old maid, or feminist? Anyhow, a term I use sometimes makes her angry. Hope I can put it on here because it is risque. I will say I don't have the balls to do something. She hates me to say that but I just mean I am not strong enough to do something. Sometimes I cannot screw the top off a bottle or anything. I am not strong enough to do some things Billy did for me. Of course, she thinks we women can do anything a man can do. Well we can't. But you know what, we can think of a dozen ways to get around it. I told her about my night of horror. Come to find out at the same time each night the fire alarm apparatus things will go off each night in her's and Mama's house. Did not do that before Mama passed away. She says she knows Mama will not hurt her, but this just weired her out. I know this is strange, but I have always felt negative energy about that house. And Mama and Daddy had it built, so no one has ever lived in it but them. If they were not there, I just felt cold chills being in that house. I had no problem signing over the whole property to my sister. I wanted no part of it. It is a surreal life without Billy. I am full of fears. I am not young, but I was full of fears when I was young too, even before I met Billy. I will tell you something funny. My dad, when I would wake him up at night telling him that I heard something outside (we lived in the country thankfully), he would get the shotgun, put on his house shoes and make a run around the outside of the house in his boxer shorts.. He kept me protected. When I first met Billy he told me his name was William Raymond and it meant "mighty protector." Well, his name was really Billy Ray. And the first time I heard noises outside our apartment, I woke him up and told him and my mighty protector told me to go see what it was.

Thanks for sharing Patty. I know there is no magic ceremony to cure our hurt, but I wish there was. This was beautiful and you are sharing with friends.

Kay, hope you are feeling better. Know the heat does not help. And on top of being ill yourself you have your fur babies that are ill also. Please let us know how you are doing. I am so sorry. I am so selfish and gripe about my family, but if I need help I don't even have to ask. They are always around so someone would know. Sometimes the things that bother us also are the things that will be there if needed. I am so sorry I gripe so much sometimes. I took my daughter to psych doc today, appointment at 10:00, but had heard wrong and it was 2:00 p.m. So just got in. The thing is, if it had been me that had to go to the doctor she would have helped me in and never once griped about helping me. So, the very thing I complain about must just be because I don't have Billy and I have turned into a shrew. I miss Billy so bad but I am lucky to have my family, even if I gripe. They take and they take, but they also give and they give. Please let us know how things are doing and if you have had any let up in the horrible heat.

I don't do this. I have been in my numb, busy, taking care of business mode. I deleted the words. Went to sleep. Up off and on. Have not been in bad mood. Won't discuss my Mama, she is gone. Has been gone as long as Billy but we had her shell. Billy was cognizant to the very last. Mental problems haunt my family. Not even sure if they are real. If they are not real then that makes it even mentally worse. Got to be careful with finances. Will fall into the rabbit hole. Have to become someone I have never been for my own sake. Ghosts haunted me last night. I will pull it together today.

Marita, I always look to the sky and then I remember he is not coming back. My heart falls to the pit of my stomach and tears come, but then my granddaughter tells me about the breakthrough at her counselor. I'm so sorry we have such a terrible life now. I miss my mom that was my mom. I miss Billy who always was my Billy. Sometimes I know I am not handling things right and I wonder how Billy would do it. Honestly, don't think he would do any different. Unfortunately, and maybe fortunately, I have so many family problems I am never alone. That might be good, that might be bad.. I will quit complaining now. If it wasn't for my granddaughter, I would be at that seedy little motel in the middle of Texas watching Bonanza.

DW, I have got to admit something to you. My childhood friend, her big ole football husband did not wake up one morning. He had not been sick. He was 60. Then my classmate, he did not wake up one morning either. I remember being sad for their wives. But, that was sympathy. I felt bad, but I did not feel the burning, white hot, stabbing, next thing to dying pain of losing Billy. I so want to touch his high cheekbones, look again into his beautiful blue eyes, just see his beautiful hands in some other pose than letting me know he had to give up. We had five weeks of knowing he was very ill, but I was God, I was going to make a miracle and make him live. I found out I was a mere mortal and a weak one at that. One that cries very easily and one that misses her mate of 54 years so terribly bad. I would not let him talk of death, but he knew. I did not want him to know. I wanted to protect him. He went from cane, to walker, to wheelchair in five weeks and then he was gone. At 5 feet tall, I could and would have carried his over 6 foot frame anywhere if I could have kept him. Unrealistically, I wanted 54 more years, even five would have been good. Coward that I am, in all my illnesses, I wanted to go first. He said the one left must stay. I am staying, but I don't want to. You are among friends, you can talk to all of us. Some good people on here.

One of my friends and her husband of many, many years were going through a revolving door at a department store. He did not make it all the way through and was gone by the time the EMT's got to him. In getting all his papers in order my friend discovered not one, but many email "affairs" that her husband had. I remember one year he gave her a cremation urn for her birthday. He gave some expensive necklace to one of his email affairs. I think she used the urn for her husband's cremains. She did get into his email account and had to inform all his friends that he had passed away.

Your kids learned to do for themselves. That is the way it is supposed to be. Billy and I were enablers. I have said that over and over. Nothing I can do now but fight for my own sanity (not much to fight for), but things will go okay. Won't be the last attack, but without Billy to back me up I might learn to walk away. Gotta get my granddaughter a life. I think we were dys-dys-dysfunctional family. I miss Billy so much but maybe one thing that has to happen is I have to learn to be my own person. After all, I went from Mama and Daddy to Billy. I at least had a job for 43 years, so I am not totally without a back bone. Gotta learn how to be on my own. You don't know how moving into my own apartment was such a huge step for me.

(Sometimes I share too much, I'm sorry) I do have semi-good sense. I just like to gripe a lot. Probably won't quit that. Billy is gone. Poor Billy. Yep, I used to gripe to him all the time. He was hard of hearing though so he only heard part of it and really, did not care to hear that. He escaped. You know I did tell you that everybody around these parts were kin. I once accused Billy of being my half brother or first cousin. That would answer some questions. But he lived in the south of the parish. I lived in the north. Hmmmmm

I read all of it Marty. Even before I knew Billy was sick, I knew to lose him, or even for him to lose me, I knew it would be akin to losing half of my body and learning to walk again, balance my own body to accommodate the loss. Like a stroke victim in rehab, learning to walk, learning to speak, learning to listen, and my hardest lesson right now, learning to concentrate. We live with this bare naked grief and we cannot clothe it. It is in our eyes, in our brain, in our heart, and that big lump you feel well up in your throat. And, I am left with the same problems we had before Billy left. But those problems, they may be what saves me or kills me, I am the master of my own ship.. And, I can still hear him and see him telling me when I thought I was dying, when I was so afraid 34 years ago, "If you die the pain and the worry will be gone for you, you will be free, and the pain and worry will fall upon us that have to live without you." Like I have said before, he was a prophet. "I'm not that important, life does go on, if I was not here, then I'd be gone." Can you believe I wrote that 34 years ago? I still have the little piece of paper I typed it on, cut it out, stuck it in my billfold. Some of you were not even born yet but I was going through the pain of leaving my family. I am the Court Jester of my own life. Aren't we all?

They all know my finances, mail was opened. I have a private mailbox with a key now. Before that everyone's mail came to my mailbox on the road at the house. The biggest problem I have had for years, and Billy too, was telling anyone of our family "no." I think self preservation has just set in though and I might have to learn that word. Thanks George. I do have to consider mental conditions and know when it is said the next day they will be so sorry. I put up with my mama for nearly 3/4ths of a century, not much longer. My mom's gone, but her DNA still lives. Maybe if I am Billy and he is me I will inherit the "family jewels." Nah, he was as big a wuz as I am.

We all have the chronic disease of grief. And as far as being crazy, that is the only fun I have left so I spread it all around. People forgive me.

If my son is still around, and hopefully he will be, he will mix us and put us at the monument. If I know him, he will slip out there at night and dig a hole and pour us into it. Now, aren't we upbeat happy people. I don't know about you Gin, but I did not know how old I was till Billy left. Your daughter will do that for you.

Patty, my promise is to Billy, to put up a monument that when I go, we can live in the same box. My kids can keep his urn, which was expensive. They have to put the cremains 24-25 inches down. Or at least in this cemetery or Louisiana or the USA or somewhere. Gotta try to live that long anyhow. I might have to find a monument company that will let me "lay away" because if folks think I have money in savings, you would not believe what emergencies come up.

When I have to do stuff that I am afraid of I look to the heavens and tell Billy "I just don't know." Does not matter what it is, "I just don't know." I don't know how to do it, I don't know what to do, I don't want to know how to do it. "I just don't know." But, I get it done. Not Hooray for me, not anything. Not happy with myself. Next time I have to do something I will just look toward the heavens and say "I don't know" again. Because I don't know. We aren't having a whole lot of fun are we.

Yes Kay, it is the same person, so even though it does hurt, I do have to consider the source.