Margm

I really hate starting new topics, but I do it anyhow. This morning my mood is down, but somehow or other, that is nothing new. I doubt if any of us will ever have that happy mood we had when there were two of us, instead of just this one. I think they say in a song "One is the loneliest number." It is. I was given the "deed" to two burial plots. They had been offered twice before by my uncle. My uncle is an honorable man. He has raised a very honorable family. No duds in his family, all successful. He is our family's patriarch I guess as he is the "last man standing." Lots of times I want to just give up. I have been told, in anger, that I should have been the one who died. The truth of that is, I agree. But, that is not how it happened. "The one left must live." I did not want those burial plots. Dead people live in those things. I have managed to dole out all my money. I have some coming in each month which is more than I need to live on. Billy took care of me, as I would have taken care of him if he had been the first to go. I have actually three grown people that are very needy. Two of them don't ask, but if I see the need, I have to help. It is what we (Billy and myself) have always done. Now though, I have to put money back in that savings to take care of final care. I started yesterday by turning down a ridiculous request, and I managed to do it without a natural disaster happening. Some of us are not as young as the rest of you. But still, we have promises to keep and miles to go before we sleep. Do you know, I saw Robert Frost on TV at John Kennedy's inauguration, two years before he completed his promises. So see, we all have things we have to live for,

Bad karma with teeth. I wrote a whole lot, (deleted it), but we all have to do what we have to do. I am sorry it is costing so much. My doc quoted me $9,000 for the screw in things and then I read up on them. While reading up on them my doc, another dentist friend and the doc's two daughters were killed in a plane crash. I didn't look into it anymore. I just imagined that steel toothed man on the James Bond movies. I am sorry all that is happening and it is terrible that it is hotter in Oregon than it is back here in Louisiana. But I guess the wind blowing off all the flooding and Gulf of Mexico cooled us off. Geeze, that is sure hot. I am so sorry. I hope it cools off enough at night you can get some sleep. Let us know how things are going. This has been a bad week.

Found a note written by Billy, don't know when. Must have gone fishing. "Marg, Love you, be back by noon." I taped it to his urn.

This is my Grief One Day at a Time for today. It tells us exactly what this forum and the people on here try to tell us all the time. Sometimes we listen, sometimes we are deaf.. "Smile, breathe, and go slowly." -- Thich Nhat Hanh. i don't know about the smiling, but I seem to be breathing and definitely going slowly. Finally Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD, he finishes up with this: "I think I will amend this quote to say: Smile or frown, breathe and go slowly. In other words we must feel and express whatever we are feeling, work on living in the moment, and be patient with ourselves. That is perhaps the simplest recipe for healing in grief. And aren't the simplest rules always the hardest to live by?" Amen.

My son and his wife had two children. When they spent the night with us the boy would sleep with Billy, the girl with me. Mattresses to us were just to be comfortable. I cannot remember if Febreze was invented back then (probably not), but my DIL's parents made them sleep on quilts on the floor if they spent the night with them, didn't want to take the chance with messing up their mattresses. Now, this translates into cruelty to me. Probably why we kept them more than the in-laws. In later years, long after their divorce, my former DIL told my son that she had secretly wished Billy and I had been her parents. Now, to me, that was the best compliment. She was my daughter for nine years and I loved her very much. It was not all her fault the marriage broke up. My daughter (a former nurse) told us she had rather Brianna be with us when she was sick. Kelli took lots of medicine for her bipolar and I understood this. And, this granddaughter grew up as our own. And, she still lives with me. So, I have Billy's heart living with me, but one of these days she has to find her own heart. She can take her time, no hurry. Off subject, (but when have I ever been on subject), but this apartment living has come to life. We are watching a marathon of the series Friends. They were all apartment dwellers. Now I feel even more comforted by the noises from other apartments. I can even relate to the laundry scenes in the crowded laundry room. I have so much business to take care of. This is Friday. I want to procrastinate today. I am tired. I have laundry to do and I do have to go to the post office. I am wanting to hibernate, to not leave the "compound.." In other words, I don't want to do anything I really need to do. "Fiddly Dee, I will think about that tomorrow".

Billy's mom and dad were older going into our marriage. My daughter never got to know Billy's dad. My folks were the kind of grandparents that they were still very young and also never really cared to get to know their grandkids. They were cold to my sister and me. I could not bear to leave them (my children) with them and they never asked. Billy and myself, we were hands-on grandparents and loved having our grandkids around all the time. Thus, we were trusted to keep them often, even raising one. That was okay with us, our grandchildren were our delight. So, they all liked to stay with us. My mom and dad should never have married, should never have had kids. I learned how to bait a hook by the time I could walk and talk and fishing was something I loved. My sister was terrified. She had the idea they wanted to drown her, so every time they got in the boat with them she was afraid. (They actually were not that mean, just unable to get close to.) Actually Kelli got close to her Maw and seemed to understand her after high school. My mom loved her too. Possibly they saw the same personality traits in each other. Our kids loved Billy's mom very much but were young when they lost her. I think a lot of times that both of our families, and our own, were very dysfunctional. But, if Cain killed Abel, we were not the first dysfunctional family.

Well, and I have said this before "you hit the nail on the head." Most understand.

I do the same only I retired my Kindle and his Kindle we always read together and put them together. I have his phone retired with these next to the wooden urn. I talk to it ever so often but for some reason I feel closer talking to the dark clouds that have hung over our skies the past few weeks. I have felt him next to me and I wake up and he is gone instantly, and I get up. I don't cry then. And, the heavy crying that I do, I always say "Dammit Billy, this is not bringing you back" and I get angry at myself. Honestly, I try not to think about him as much and then I feel guilty, but somehow now, I don't know why, but I feel like he understands and forgives me. I told Mama when she was semiconscious to please tell him I was so sorry I got angry at him for dying. If those things are possible, she told him. But you know what. That man knew me better than anyone on earth and even in Heaven. I know our religious says God and Jesus knew me best, but I know Billy, he would argue them both down, only I think they are supposed to be one. Okay, getting a little crazy with my religion right now and not understanding, and being my usual run-on self. I'll quit.

My family have always been Methodists on mom's folks side and Baptists on my dad's. So, Baptist was okay with my mom. I'll bet you and your dad do have interesting conversations. I have always said me and my family were a little off the chart sometimes. Sometimes we are not even on the chart period. Anyhow, it was a pretty wreath, but I did not get it. I thought it enough of a shock my uncle meeting my daughter's transgender partner with tattoo's from her head to her toes. I was late getting there but my sister said there was a lot of silence.

I'm sorry about your kitty Kay. Kelli's partner DT had ???(cannot remember his name) 17 years and then she built a monument at my mom's house for him which really freaked my mom out, as she was already losing it pretty fast herself and had never really cared for animals. The monument is still there. He was so old and cranky. If you put your hand to pet him he would bite you. But people love their animals. When my friend's husband was in rehab from a stroke her two Rottweiler's slept on either side of her and she said she would have gone crazy without them. They don't seem to stay long in this life though and she has lost those two and two more since. I could not even buy live flowers I am so tired of death.

Oh Gwen, you have no idea how I understand that. I love my navy blue Tee shirt and navy blue pants. Wore them to the cemetery, saw myself in them, never will wear them again. Not the clothes fault. I lost so much weight that I enjoyed putting it back on. Okay, I need to stop. I have that ruptured colon so I am susceptible to so many things and doc's cannot fix me. So, we all have our health issues, and then we have our grief issues. I had health issues when Billy was with me. I had rather have my health issues and have Billy with me. But, I can't. Life's a bitch, etc. Love you girl, we all do. We just gotta keep fighting because we are stronger than we think we are. I'm not having fun and I know you are not having fun either. I have lots of things I plan on doing. I am not looking forward to any of them. I have to go tomorrow to have my SS switched to my credit union. I sent in the wrong check # for my AT&T phone bill that the family uses and I did not have enough money in mine and Billy's old credit union. I cannot make those mistakes. But I did. Now, if the pneumothorax needs fixed, get it fixed. You have to keep breathing good, Gin has to get her red blood cell count up, and I just have to keep on visiting the bathroom. (On edit, that sounds better than what I had written.)

Just don't think there are people who do not care. I care. I know we all care. Heck, I have even started taking fruit and vegetable vitamins (cause I cannot eat them), and have gained 8 pounds. In the pictures today I look like Bossy the cow. Anyhow, we care and we want your health to get better cause if your health gets better, maybe a tiny bit of your outlook will be better. No kidding, WE DO CARE. Hugs and

No, it is not cool Gwen. If I cannot go, neither can you. "The one left must stay." Now, make sure you get your treatment. If I could not take the 50 morphine, you cannot give up either and I am much older than you. I also was introduced to my burial plot today. Come on, get with it gal. We gotta get on down the road for no other reason than we have to. Besides, your only allowed to go on during your first year. After that..........you gotta live. And I'm serious.

Tideland, I don't understand doctors. I worked with them nearly half a century and they are just human.........some of them. Your story is mine only Billy lasted five weeks. I try to think back and I was trained in symptoms and I think back and he did have symptoms. Why didn't I see it on the most important person in my life. I would have seen it on a stranger. OMGosh, today is 10 months. It is 8:49 in the evening, I have been at Michael's picking out flower arrangements for my mom and I have almost let the 10th month slip by without counting. I'm not gonna cry, not right now anyhow. Billy's death certificate said CA of colon. He had one polyp on his colon but his liver was covered as were a bunch more places. Five weeks. I did not let him hurt and I miss him more than life. I miss life. I miss Billy and will forever.. TL, there are a bunch of feeling people on this forum. They have all gone through what you are going through. Just listen to them and join in. I get very wordy sometimes so you can just skim over mine. I like word salads. I don't know what I would have done without these people on this forum, but I have an idea. I'm so sorry for your loss. Sorry for all of our losses. We are here for you.

Kay, we actually had a bunch there. I was given my certificate for my burial plot and Billy's. I feel closer to the end already. But, a couple of our friends have their memorial already fixed, but neither has passed away yet. Yes, I think you and I understand family dynamics. And, sometimes it is like Ringling Brother's Circus, clowns and all. But some how, even with all the bad things that have happened, I would only wish my Billy back with me. I let everyone clear out and then I went over to Mama's grave and I told her "Mama, you are next to your only husband, none of the other four were real, and I miss you, the you that was you."

Oh this is funny in a madcap way that I happen to be sometimes. We already are not doing things according to my staunch Baptist 81-year-old uncle. He accepts it, but you can see the horror in his face. I was at Michael's this morning. I wanted two standing up flower arrangements. They already have their flower arrangements, wreaths out for Halloween. I passed by this lovely green, big round one with the banner across it "WITCH." Oh my goodness, I cannot do that to my uncle. He has not been in good health. But my mind wanted to. I called my sister and told her and she laughed but told me not to buy it. (She knows me). You see, "Syble" has the meaning of sorceress or witch, and that is my mom's name.

I can joke about it and there are obviously some people that don't need it. I look at it this way. If I don't take it I die a miserable death, which is akin to suicide, because I know what will happen. If I do take it, I am putting that one foot in front of the other, or rather I am straddling that line and just "moving on down that road.".

You know, I really pour out my feelings on here, sometimes too much. Because of my mom, because of my dad, because of both my kids, I underwent 15 years of psychiatric care. Some of this was caused from prescription drug use, but the rest was understanding my family and my two children who both had been diagnosed as bipolar. My mom and dad were "different" as we all are. I married to get out of there as fast as I could. (I was lucky) My diagnoses for those two were borderline personality disorder and bipolar. They never went to a shrink. Mama was afraid of them and my dad, well, he would have gone but in those days it was not an easy thing to do. My dad did Yoga to cope with his up and down moods that he did not understand, but now I see them as my own kids up and down moods and diagnoses. My daughter is also borderline personality disorder. This is characterized in a book named I Hate You, Don't Leave Me written awhile ago by Jerold Kreisman, MD. It hurt me to read this book because I was reading about my mom and my daughter and also reading that there was not much I could do to help them.. When I had cancer I was gone for long periods of time to the hospital in Houston. My church (and Billy's brother) helped look after my 14-year-old daughter. In fact, we found out when Kelli was 17, our married youth director had taken her under his own special care and she attempted suicide because he decided not to leave his wife. My son went down to beat him up at the mission he was taking care of and he hid under the desk. (The church broke up). She has had many years of psychiatric care because of this. We did what we could at that time and the man has not been able to hold a job and been in legal trouble otherwise also. Cutting ties with some relatives is not possible. Unfortunately we do not have a back room to lock people like this in as they did in long ago days. Myself, well I escaped with only chronic depression. I seem to remember words from an Isley Brothers song and the words were "It's your thing, do what you wanta do." In my case, I sing "It's your thing, do what you gotta do." And my poor Billy, he would beg me not to engage fussing with Kelli and he endured our sniping back and forth. Bless his heart, I look to Heaven now and I say "I'm listening to you Billy." And, I have quit fussing with her. Mental illness is never easy on a family and somehow, I really think, it is harder on the person that is "different." But, in reality, are we any different? We all accept or don't accept this grief thrown upon us. This is grief, not a mental illness, but in trying to understand mental illnesses, we also have to try to understand our own grief and whatever path we take, and it is not just like anyone else's. "It's your thing, do what you gotta do." (And, I should not gripe so much, but I do, and I probably will keep on.)

For certain, making new friends is not that important. Gwen, you volunteer, that is a good thing to do. It is not my thing to do. Making new friends does not interest me. Having a dog or cat does not interest me. What does interest me? I don't know. Do not know if I ever will know. But, it is important to "do your own thing." Whatever your thing is, do it if you want to, if you don't then it is your business and no one else's. Sometimes people want to help. If you don't want help, I find the hint is taken very easily. Making new friends, renewing old friendships is not a mandatory step in grieving. One time one of our members said "one size does not fit all." That makes "making new friends" part of that "One Size" category. I have to go find a Michael's. I need a family spray for the new grave. Mama hated crowds of people. In fact, if she had too many people around her she went into her "Syble mode" of either fainting or having a panic attack. Family is embroiled in a "do I come to the funeral or not." Can my friends come or not. We were just going to keep it family only coming to the graveside. The marker/monument has been in place for over 30 years. Now some people have their feelings hurt because they were not invited. This is all beyond me. No one bothered me with Billy's and my plans, thank goodness. Your feelings are hurt because you were not invited to a funeral? Jeeze, where were you in her final days of life? My grandmother said "do not put silk flowers on my grave." Well folks, I am tired of death and dying. I am going to find a silk flower family spray for Mama's grave. Real flowers die. This Louisiana heat and humidity take care of real flowers fast. Life goes on. People have to be fed. Metaphorically, if you put one foot in front of the other, at my age, you are going to fall down. If you want to straddle that imaginary line then do it. Clothes have to be washed. Dishes have to be washed. Even if you live alone. My granddaughter lives with me in fear she might have to go live with her mother. Her mother resents her for wanting to stay with me. She resents me. She talks about me to her daughter, my granddaughter. I hear Billy telling me not to engage the tiger. I used to not listen to him. I listen now. My daughter resents me for having her daughter, but she does not resent me enough to not ask me to sign for the new car she has to have. She will pay for it. So will I, lots of resentment. My son is just the opposite. Life repeats itself.

Great news Butch. The more kids they have, the more chances you have of helping look after them, and I know Mary would have loved that. Babysitting duties are wonderful.

I remember my grandmother writing at 18 years that it was like the first day. Well guys and girls, that did not do me any good at all. I did quit counting weeks. I'm sorry ya'll, lots more grieving to do. Hugs to all of you.

I used to get on it and write stories about my distant family. They loved hearing about grandfathers, grandmothers, aunts, cousins, reunions, etc. I just put all my feelings into this forum now. I did write something today and my aunt wanted me to write a book. I should have told her to come look at the forum, I write a book every day. I thought maybe we could get through this since I signed everything over to my sister and no one would be saying "I want that." She wanted to write the obit. I sure didn't. She did great and let Kelli put pictures so Kelli had her part too. Scott is like me, we do good in the background.

Nope, don't want it, don't need it, and I have written my smart a$$ replies to both of them. My daughter is blowing up FB with it. But, I hear the voice of Billy telling me not to get involved. So, I delete everything and neither my sister or my daughter are calling me to fuss about the other. I will let them duke it out. No one bothered me with Billy's final things. If they tried I did not hear them. I did what I wanted to. My daughter had the balloon celebration for his birthday and jumped off the bridge into the bayou. When it all comes down to it, Billy's final things were mine to do and either no one bothered me because they were scared of me or maybe they honored our plans. In this case, nothing was planned, just like with Billy but lots of people want to come see a box put into a hole. Myself. I will watch it and then I will walk away and go look for my great grandparents grave. Personally, I think we should have hired a bunch of women in black dresses to come and professionally mourn. I am sorry, I hate funerals. We each have our way of doing things. Funerals are for the living. I don't want one and I hope they honor my wishes. And I know a lot of you wish to honor your loved one with a beautiful service, and for you that is special. I appreciate that. It is just not my way. My English teacher sister told me she wanted to rewrite Billy's obit, which I would not let her do. Billy would have liked mine. Maybe not every comma was in the right place, but he would have liked it.

Mitch, I am actually sugar coating them. My friends want me to write a book. Life is stranger than fiction. They sometimes make me want to go find a hole and crawl in it, (not a grave, a cave without snakes, spiders, mountain lions, possums, skunks, raccoons, but wait, if I had all them I would not miss my family, would I. So, I will stay in my apartment.

Just do what you can, when you can, if you can, how you can...........if you want to. I don't think there are any set rules. My taking those bottle of 50 Dilaudid out to the woods and hiding out as long as my body would hide out, well, that was not the way. Thank goodness I learned better. Billy's voice telling me "the one left must stay" yelled in my ears. My religion yelled in my ears. We actually do not owe anyone anything. My mama's death/cremains/placing of those cremains have become a three ring circus, and who knows, Ringling Brothers might just be out there with elephants and tigers, oh my. I think I will stay home. I have two strong negative personalities in my sister and my daughter who want to be "boss" of the world, or at least this. I am glad I handled Billy's and no one questioned me. If they did, I did not hear them. And, this is why I signed everything over to my sister, EVERYTHING. Nothing I want, but damn if they are not going to argue over the little woman's cremains being placed in a 24-25 inch hole and who all to invite. Yes, I have had a Xanax and I-just-don't-care.