Margm

I think we all gotcha Steve.

Mine were terrible, horrible, but I would live them all again if I could and not change a thing. It made the last half of the marriage a better place to be. No beatings but mental abuse was tough. He apologized in later life and said he knew he was wrong. I understood him, but I was mean enough to try to retaliate later, I did, it was not pretty, but he forgave me and never mentioned it. He took his share of the blame (which did not excuse me) but, we all know I can be a bitch when I want to be.

It called to me, no fear, just release, but also my selfish thinking of only me (I do that a lot). But, I guess I am here for a reason, one to help my sister, her and my son need to grow up, and my daughter, she had already told me she wished it had been me, (so did I), probably because her daughter lives with me, probably mental, maybe the cysts on her brain. Who knows. My reading for today actually made some sense: "Faith and doubt are both needed---not as antagonists but working side by side--to take us around the unknown curve" (Lillian Smith) Sometimes we mistakenly believe that we either have faith or we don't. It's actually almost never such a black-and-white, either-or duality. I have found that even the people with the strongest faith wrestle with doubts. Questioning God is OK. He can handle it. I needed that today.

They tell you not to make any changes that first year. I had to get away. I blamed the house, the town, the big city hospital, the state for Billy's death. There was not a reasonable cell in my brain.. It was very hard physically moving. Mentally I am no better than being up there. It will be this way no matter where I am. I cannot find him anywhere because he is gone. I need to be here because of my mom, but I don't even like it here either. I have to come to grips with the fact I am not going to like it anywhere, but I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other until I cannot. And, I don't even know why I have to do that. I guess just because he said "the one left must stay." But really folks, unless we make ourselves die, we all have to stay. I liked my idea of taking the rest of his morphine pills and going way off into the forest, and I could have gotten away where I would not be found for weeks or more. But, we do not know for sure about the afterlife and I wanted to be with him so bad, but what if that was a way I would never be with him. We really don't understand things and I'll be damn if I am going to take a chance on not being with him if it is like I was brought up to believe, and I want to believe one day I will be with him again. When he first left I was like a mad dog. I would not let my kids or anyone touch anything of his. In the end, I gave it all away. I could not use it. The kids had what they wanted. Billy could not use it anymore and looking at 20 fishing rods and reels did not make him alive and I did not see him in those rods and reels. He is not in his Tee-shirts, but they still smell like him, although I do not open the box. I look in the sky and I see his bearded face, his dear face. And, that is all I have plus 54 years of memories to sort through ever so often. If I want to numb down, I think of the bad times. But, there were so many better times. Just like always, I have no answers. Like my friend, whose husband has been gone nine years, she said "your still early into it." I will always be early into it.

Bigger than life for 54 years, then poof it is gone. I see him everywhere. I do not miss that big empty nothingness of a house. The quiet was louder than all my neighbors combined. I will probably move again. Not any time soon. Later, when my mom is gone, I have to have an apartment with a washer and dryer. Like my own clothes being washed before and after. Like the wrinkles smoothed out. I threw away/gave away ironing board and iron. Just the little nettles of life as it is now. I wanted to live like Billy and I used to live. Well, I do, and I was used to it then. I remember going to wash clothes at my mom's. We hung out clothes then. I brought them home, forgot about them in the hot car but hung them out later. I then learned the lesson of "sour" clothes. So much learned, so much lost, so much to learn again. I definitely am going to make mistakes. I already see a lot of them, but I would not go back to that empty big house with the quietness so loud it drove me battier than I already was. We do what we have to do, when we can do it, and sometimes we get something right.

When I found out how much money goes to the CEO's of these companies I had to quit giving. Makes no sense whatsoever. The CEO of the Catholic Hospital I worked for one year got his million dollar bonus but the workers got nothing. This same CEO at this "not for profit" hospital that told us in meeting that if a patient had even one acre of land somewhere, they would get their money. Actually two were high school sweethearts. Married, had three kids and then he went to one of our other classmates. Both women are my very good friends, one a cousin naturally, and he still lives. My cousin remarried a man who had lost his wife a few years before to cancer. They had at least a 30 year marriage and he passed away. Like I say, both women are my friends and either get along or at least seem to. Afterall, they share step children and now even great grandchildren. We all have lived a bunch of years and if they still have their husbands and wives, I am sure fear the inevitable, but maybe like me and Billy, figure it will never happen to them. Ignorance is bliss sometimes. I always enjoyed it.

Well WW, it might have been for a good time a bunch of years ago, but after the sobering dinner I had with all those women I graduated with, my "good times" are for sure a long time ago. And, I think all my friends "good times" are gone too. One wrote me on email today and told me that they were so unhappy. I would not have understood this time last year, I understand this year. Most all of them are widows. In fact, one of them is married to the husband (still alive) of one of the widows. Now, if you can follow that logic. They all get along just fine though.

I had all Billy's rods and his reels wrapped in plastic, and it was a big package. Moving into this apartment, I tried to envision where I would put them. Nowhere. Not a clue. My son and daughter had taken the ones that they wanted. This man of mine had more fishing things than I could even try to list. I could not sell Billy. So, I gave the whole kit and caboodle to a fisherman that came by. I let Scott do it. I turned my back and walked away telling myself that Billy could not use them and I wasn't. But I still have all his Tee-shirts in one huge plastic bucket with top. Right now the bucket holds the TV in the bedroom and there it will stay. Moving, I gave away a lot of our life, but he could not use it anymore. I took his new glass frames and put my prescription in them, and I wear them. It is so hot out right now and running errands this morning I felt breathless. I remembered he was me and I was him so naturally I was just half alive, so why shouldn't I be breathless. Looking at our groups pictures from Saturday I had on my purple. I honestly look like a purple grape. Well, I could have been a raisin.

Okay WW, it sounded right to me. Gas days it is.

I wish I had some magic to make this all go away. I don't. Sometimes I can do what I call "numbing down." But, no matter what, the feelings return. August is my birthday too, but we never made big things of our birthdays or anniversaries. Billy the Kid liked getting presents but I was always "bah humbug" and never really cared to so we started buying something we wanted for ourselves and letting that be our present. I started doing this when I had to return what I bought him and let him pick out the kind of fishing equipment he wanted. Never hurt my feelings at all, but it just got easier to buy our own, but always a card and cake. So, just every day was special. And Christmas and anniversary have come and gone. I dread the whole month of October though as he passed away October 17, 2015, so we all are here for the same reason. One thing this forum does is show that we all hurt and occasionally we just talk about other things too. Sometimes I just let it all hang out and sometimes I cannot get out the words I want to say, but you have come to a good place. Everyone is at some stage of the same pain, some special day, and everyone understands. So say anything you want to. Sometimes I bleed gallons. Just join in. Misery does not love company, but girl you have lots of company so jump right in with us. Everyone understands anything you say because we have been there and are still trying to find our path. I had retired from the hospital where he passed away. Every time I went to the "big city" I had to pass by it. I never want to go to that city again. I moved away. We understand. I'm sorry you have to come here, but it is the best place for right now and also later.

We "bank" with a credit union. They told me I would have to take his name off by a year's time. I did not question them, just disappointed. This credit union did not have a branch close so I started a new account with one that was in my town. Hated starting one in my name only. Lots of business I don't understand. The leasing of my house was sort of railroaded. I had mentioned I was going to put the property on the market. I did have people asking about it just by world of mouth. I knew the lawyer, had used her the year before so I trusted her, as much as I can trust a lawyer or politician. It is a three year lease. I have read it. My neighbor read it (she is the accountant) and approved it. I had a man come and want to buy the house the day I was leaving. I had already signed the lease agreement papers. We have five city lots to our property and he was wanting to build more houses. I have elderly neighbors that feel safe on that street, as well they should, and I just could not do that to them. I do not understand anything with numbers. Sometimes I think I won't live long enough to worry about them, and that is solace enough.

No it would not bring them back. There are so many things we run through our heads. We were together so long and look at all the milestones we reached. I get angry at the words "shoulda, woulda, coulda" because they are true, we just need to accept things and accepting is hard. I got married so young and really would wake up those first few months thinking I was in prison. Of course, that disappeared soon enough. Lost freedom. Now I have "found freedom" and it is a nightmare. I used to watch the doves come to our patio eating the birdseed I would scatter.. Ever so often you would see the lone dove and it was sad. Two of the women at our meeting yesterday have new last names. Widows no more. A third one is a widow twice. I did not envy them.. It is what it is.

George, I think it is we have one semi-good day, then a trip to the dumpster day. Meeting all my friends today was sort of uplifting. I asked my friend I went with if she still talked to her husband. She said she does when she goes to the grave, but otherwise she doesn't. She told me I was still early into it. Oh, I think I will talk to him till my last day and then maybe get to talk to him more. I keep thinking about that song that says "some days are diamonds, some days are coal." I would settle for rhinestones. I wish you peace. Sometimes I hear a car door open or close and I have to remind myself that I live in an apartment now.

Do you ever ride by places and think "If we had not been such gypsies, we might have settled down here and had a better life and maybe he would have lived longer?" I guess I mean "what if".............

Okay Mitch, I can die happy now. I love it. Made my day. Plus I met with about 20+ girls from my graduating class and they all knew me and of course said they would know me anywhere. I guess red hair, freckles and plump/fluffy just does not change much. It was nice meeting them all again. Actually, it was not too bad. There was only one little skinny woman that they put me against taking pictures that I did not remember. I do not remember her being too chatty in school either. In fact, I don't remember school much period. And those black cows look like they are ready for supper (I don't mean your supper, theirs). Although, they might be tasty served from a restaurant where you don't have to get to know them personally. I love those "funnies" and thank you all for putting them. Actually made the sky a little bluer today. We have thunder clouds and light rain off and on.

Yeah, I don't think he grieved Diana. The world did though, and her family. The queen is sure hanging onto that crown. I figured she would skip Charles and give it to William. I've gotten scared to get out of the house so will break that tomorrow. Will see some girls I have not seen in 56 years. Going with two more from here. Thank you George, this stuff will drive a person crazy, and I guess we all have it to some extent. I'm with you all. Hugs to you all too.

No Steve, it does not compare.

Okay, this is a good topic to put this under, although I doubt Prince Charles even thinks about it. I am not sure he would think about it if he was still married to Diana. July 29th marks what would have been their 35th anniversary. We suffer through ours, just thought I would mention it.

Oh, I remember my name was written on a wall once (may have mentioned it), an Oriental food store. I was waiting for bamboo mats and they put my name up by the payphone on the wall and my phone number. Phone rang about 5:30 a.m. by the police. Oriental store was broke into and my name was on the wall. I guaranteed them I had not stolen anything and was waiting for the bamboo mats. So, I was famous for 5 minutes once. I have no idea what my phone number is, I think I have it on my FLIP PHONE somewhere though. Changed it to 318 prefix when I moved.

I was always disappointed my name and number were not written on the bathroom walls.

Have you watched Murphy's Romance with him and Sally Field. I don't know how many times I have seen it but will watch it again and again. Loved James Garner.

Some people on here lost their loved ones after such a short time, and in so doing, they also lost father's and mother's and even children in that time period. I feel so little some times complaining because I know I was blessed to have Billy for so long. I am so selfish though, I don't really feel blessed, I wanted him for a longer time, or at least I wanted to go before him. My dad passed away young at 64, but I was in the midst of fighting for my life and did not have time to mourn him properly. Years later I just started crying and could not quit because my dad had passed (at least 20 years before). My mom was a proper person, a very good Christian, and also a terribly mentally disturbed person. She was very intelligent keeping her bills paid, putting at least $500 a month back into savings. She always said there was the thin line between genius and insanity. She was so intelligent. She sewed, she put three meals a day on the table, and we ate at the table. She ruled my father, only because he was too much a gentleman to fight back. She read her Bible all the time and knew it backward and forward. But, as bold and brash as she was in her family and our immediate family, she hid on the sidelines around groups of people. She would faint if there were too many people around her. Daddy was a deacon and people filed around him after church and Mama hid on the sidelines, no friends, no enemies, just did not want attention. She finally crossed that fine line and never came back. Lots to admire, lots of nightmares. More nightmares right now because all that money she put back has vanished. I have enough for the cremation, but if her little mind could be like it used to be she would not understand the financial bind her home and name is in. So, sometimes it is best to not know anything. I do something different tomorrow. I go for a luncheon with my girls I graduated with. There will be a lot of us, most of us keep up with each other on FB. I will be going with two of my friends from here. My only regret is Billy won't be able to see the pictures......but I will, "the one left must stay."

Some are not old enough to remember "CHIPS" with Eric Estrada. I do know about the AA chips though.

I know Ana. Age does not make it easier or worse. Thank you George. I just let it all hang out and everyone understands. I appreciate it. I think my sister finally understood too. When the wound is opened, I still bleed pretty much. I wish I could get comfort from pictures, hearing his voice, music, but it just makes me bleed more. I don't want to live to be 95, and I don't think I have to worry about it. So many have lost loved ones grouped together. I wonder if Billy had known how bad it hurts would he have said "the one left must stay." But you know, you really do have to stay until you don't. My mama did not take much to make her happy. She was a farm girl and her life was the soil and growing things. She kept everyone in the neighborhood supplied and managed to can things before she got a freezer and after that, she just blanched and froze all her garden. Never a lazy bone in that woman's body. If she had not broken her hip and was slowed down the last years before the Alzheimer's, she would have been one they would have the Silver alerts for. Now her mind won't be still. Her mind never would slow down, and I guess she made the best of everything, even mental illness. She could not help being the way she was, but she would never have been in this position if she had had any control the last few years.

They put a video of Billy on FB riding in a boat and talking. He needed a haircut and I always cut his hair. He also needed one at the end. Tore me up. What gives comfort to some people does not always fit the other person. My sister talking about what to watch for on my mom's last minutes from hospice care worker and making it all alive again and I cannot numb down. I'm sorry, I don't want to be there. It is not an honor to do this. Just cannot do it. What kind of thinking do you have to just want to get it over with. I am one screwed up person right now. I wonder if things are easier on young people than on older people. I cannot think this is easy on anyone and I go into my word salads.