Margm

I had an impossibly long time compared to some sweet girl, but one lifetime is never long enough. I would wish for the very impossible, another 54 years. Why does it sound so long, but it only seems like days, minutes, just moments behind me. Maybe he is still here and my magical, mystical imagination has not found me again yet. Maybe it will. Sometimes I envy those who have lost their minds and live back in the past. To them their loved ones are just a short time away from them, they will be right back. My mama sees Billy, told Kelli he was standing right beside her. They see things we cannot, but we really want to. I have no envy for old couples I see shopping together, only a sadness that one will have to face what we are facing now. I have mentioned before in high school, in assembly, a talent show. Mary Elizabeth Collier sang a song from the musical The King and I called "Hello Young Lovers." I was 15. I cannot remember what I did five minutes ago, but I remember this like it was yesterday. When she got through I was really crying, it was so beautiful and somehow I felt it was prophetic. It was. Don't cry young lovers, whatever you do Don't cry because I'm alone All of my memories are happy tonight I've had a love of my own I've had a love of my own, like yours I've had a love of my own If you get a chancel, watch this old musical with Deborah Kerr and Yul Brenner.

My dad put a lot of thought into every occasion with my mom. I think about our different families, customs, DNA, personalities. My mom would tell my dad things like "What did you pay for that blouse,, I could have made the same one for 75 cents; those flowers will just die, you wasted the money; I cannot eat all that candy, it will make me fat." Yet, he still kept remembering. I cannot imagine his dad even remembering. I do not think my dad's mother even missed her husband when he died at 56. He was abusive and ignored her, ran around on her, spent time in front of and inside "The Friendly Bar." He was not very lovable, yet all I had to have was sniffles and my bed would be covered with gifts for the "sick" child, from my very caring grandmother. My other grandparents were strictly country. He wanted her to have fine things so on his trips to the big city he would bring her back things like a pair of high heels that were in style. She took them out to the chopping block, chopped off the heels and used them to slop the hogs. The first many years Billy would forget dates that were important, or he would send someone to buy me something. I was like my dad and always remembered, always bought him things (and he would return them for something that he wanted.) Finally, it hit me that his remembering was not that important to me, making a mountain out of a molehill. So, when the dates came, we would go buy what we wanted and say that was our gift. It really got to where dates were not important. He was so good in other ways, what was this one little thing. We had our Christmas dinners, Thanksgiving, birthday cakes, but the two of us got to where remembering anniversaries, Valentine's Day, etc. would just be up to us. If we did, then good. If we didn't, no problem. I got used to this, but when our daughter married and her husband was a selfish pig, Billy saw that it meant so much to her and he started a turnaround and started remembering our special dates. Sorry Buster, my life had already been on another course and I forgot to buy him a card for our 50th. I went through Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day without a big problem these last nine months. I don't even remember where I was or what I did. No customs set in stone. But, our 55th Anniversary and Valentine's day I bought him a card and signed it. Keep it next to his beautiful wooden urn. Just signing my name alone to special occasion cards hurt me. I will forever sign both our names. His retirement money helped buy the cards and gifts. Just signing his name along with mine, like we always did, either he would sign our names or I would, this was done all those years. It is a small sliver of comfort. July 20th Billy would have been 76. He was never old, he never gave in to age. He read health books, vitamin messages, exercise regimens, and he kept himself up. But, he never could give up the poison that probably took him in the end. I don't know this, but I suspect the poison from the Copenhagen snuff that he dipped for at least 40 years was the final act for this health conscious man, this young man, this Billy the Kid fellow that I will miss forever. This fellow that makes the very ground I stand on seem like quicksand. This fellow that gives me comfort when the moon is out but gives me terrible bouts of anxiety at times when I realize I cannot get in touch with him, he cannot hook up all my computer equipment, he is not there to understand why the refrigerator defrosts, why the compressor keeps running on the AC. Nope, the stranger who takes care of the inside equipment will have to do this for me. "I miss Billy the Kid." (Sorry, another short story from my run-on fingers.)

The other night I went around the "back way" to Walmart. First off, I don't drive at night. Tonight Bri had an earache and I did not have olive oil or anything. So, at 10:30 I went to Walmart. The moon is out and there was no traffic.. The other night I was so filled with anxiety driving at night, tonight I talked to Billy. Something about the moon being out comforts me. Human nature is strange. George, you give us hope. Thank you..

Bri and I watch all the teenager shows, soap operas for young people that Billy would have never watched. I am hooked on Gossip Girl.

Yeah!!!! Found my pants. They were under heavy boxes that I maneuvered onto floor. I love purple, but I had worn these pants for three days and they were beginning to wear me. (My underwear were in the chest of drawers). TMI.

I had never been on my own. I was living in he 19 foot RV and working. After six weeks I was ready to have my independence but just could not do it. I'm glad. It was worth it. My neighbor, she and her husband had only had a few arguments, nothing major for over 50 years. I felt like a fallen woman. But, for the outcome, I would do it all over again.. I used to say I just wanted to die of boredom. Don't think my family will let that happen. Stress will probably do me in. I guess we were forged in the flames.

I will see if I can get them on Kindle, only thing is, don't care to be sad. Billy sent off for the DVD for me without me knowing. I can still see the native cemetery with one grave having a sewing machine for a tombstone as they buried with their most valued/loved things. I have carried out five big bags of trash that was moved accidentally. Cannot find my scissors and know I have at least 10 pair somewhere. Need to lay down shelving in my cabinets. Finally got out my stainless steel. We have been eating with plastic-ware. Now my biggest problem is what to do with all the empty boxes. (I don't have enough empty to worry about right now..

One of my friends mentioned on Facebook that the Black Panthers were in Shreveport and Baton Rouge. I thought it was just so much hysteria. She lives right next to Baton Rouge. I know sometimes they do use too much force and possibly kill people that fight back and maybe people that don't fight back. Get rid of them. Like the bad priests and preachers, get rid of them. I have no answers. Three were killed, six were shot, one not expected to live. Two shooters still at large. Supposedly all in black with black masks. So much hearsay..

In some of his last posts he mentions how ill he has been. I know we all worry about him and you had to read between the lines. I think he needs his energy to fight his Crohn's disease. Now, that is just what I "felt" Billy always teased me about my "feelings" which were 99% wrong. Scott calls me psychic and I am just psycho. Anyhow, I hope he is well. I know because of our downed immune systems, it is hard to fight when you don't want to. These are only my feelings, I have talked to no one. Possibly should keep my fingers silent too.

I counted today as 10 months. At first I counted days, then weeks, now months, and I have even got that wrong this month. Maybe last month. He was just here yesterday, I turned to the couch, his favorite place, and I would imagine seeing him. The couch was right next to my computer and he could be close. We could go hours without saying anything.. We never got on each other's nerves. But it took 20-30 years for us to reach that point. Knew I loved him, knew he loved me, but still we took each other for granted. Faced with separation twice, we just could not stay away. We fought through it and was rewarded with the deepest love and friendship anyone could ever have. But, we went through a lot of bumpy roads and detours. He used to get angry at me and not speak for days. Now, that I could not handle. It was okay to be quiet in later years. Still, the rare disagreement would make a divide we had to breech.

Marita, I wanted to go to British Columbia since many years ago I read a book by Margaret Cravens (hope I got her name right) "I Heard an Owl Call My Name." It was sad. I bought the DVD and cry every time I watch it, but it was so beautiful. I think it was in a Native Canadian (Indians?) tribe's small place. They played Amazing Grace at the end and I just lost it. It can be sad, but it can also be uplifting for the knowledge the priest learned after getting sick. A different people, but they were his people at the end of the story.

I try not to think too much of his cremains. When I was packing, I gently set the beautiful wooden urn on a blanket and piled pillows on top. Then, I had to leave it in the space behind the front seat of the truck for three days, and it was so hot. I told Scott I felt guilty about leaving him in the heat. Then, Scott said he was going to put that on Facebook, worrying about cremains getting too hot. I think we all have a form of PTSD and the trauma of losing them makes us do and say things that seem exactly right to us, but to someone else they seem ironic. But, I am not sure that worries me much.

Relate to? This is our life right now. The pain of missing them, I am not sure that pain will let up. But, I sure hope concentration improves. I have bought the past couple of months of People's Magazine. Have not looked at them. I have bought autobiographies and biographies for my Kindle.. I can skip around in them without having to concentrate too much. I have to find my clothes. I have Scott's and Kelli's things in my dining room, all stacked. My refrigerator is not freezing and no one to fix it till tomorrow, but it is only my problem because my groceries are defrosting. I will not have to replace the refrigerator. I thought of the song Sunday Morning Coming Down this morning: ."And caught the Sunday smell of someone's fryin' chicken; And it took me back to somethin' That I'd lost somewhere, somehow along the way." I didn't smell chicken, someone was frying bacon. The only smell that comes to my mind is walking out of the house and smelling skunk where I used to live. What does one soul good is the enemy of another's. We do what we have to do to survive and live wondering if we did the right thing. It is like moving from Alaska to Florida, whichever one suits you best.

Patty, we have to hold on. Honestly, with health issues, my mom and sister issues, daughter and son issues I miss Billy so much. I keep thinking if they had not called the ambulance for me the night I passed out then I could just be gone before Billy. Sometimes I just don't want to handle anymore. But, I didn't go, they did call the ambulance and they saved my life. Hooray. We are not having any fun are we?

A friend from high school visited us when Billy was his sickest. I had not talked to this fellow in 55 years and we were not close in high school. It was just a classmate visiting a hospital patient. He visited for the VA also and was in the hospital area. I was trying to make strained conversation and Billy swung his legs off the bed and was leaving AMA. Something we did not need at that time. I know he felt totally helpless and that was not something he needed to feel. The guy honestly was visiting an old friend, no flirting or anything. But I could feel the desperation from Billy and that was something I didn't want. Now, my cousin's friend visited and he was a classmate also and Billy liked him. I just wanted Billy out of that big institution back home. They had hurt him enough. I just would never let him talk about the possibility he might die. He knew it. He told me "don't you know I see the worry in your eyes." I wasn't going to let it happen though.. I was stronger than God, I was not gonna let it happen, but it did and there was nothing I could do. And, I said I was not going to think about this part anymore. I'm through.

My granddaughter stays with me. She will be 17 next week. I am always afraid my daughter will get angry. But, maybe it is the dermoid tumors on her brain that makes her go off on her anger trips. When she does she says too much, bad stuff, and that just pushes her daughter away. I do not know how to keep peace, but I will not talk against my daughter. My daughter-in-law turned our grandchildren against us for years and the chasm could not be healed. The granddaughter talks to her dad now and sees the harm that was caused and it has caused a big divide between mother and daughter. We were very close to our grandchildren and she would not even let us talk to them. I always thought they would remember us as much as we loved them, but their growing up was hard with an Air Force Sargent stepfather and we did not know, had no way of knowing, they were nearly 2000 miles away. When the boy got in trouble at 16 they sent him to us, but it was too late. I am not keeping my granddaughter away from her mom. I appreciate her being around and she lived with us all those years. It scares me though with my daughter sick, the anger outbursts may have been the lesions on her brain. She would be so sorry after them, they were violent against us but she has never touched my granddaughter. So many things to worry about.

Mama did the same. I was so upset that she would start throwing a washtub over them while they died. I think they were already dead. But, when that plate of fried chicken was on the table I guess I forgot about the flopping.

Well Karen, I don't know how it is in the "hereafter" but if it is anything like the medium's say (on another post), then they are not disappointed in us at all. I think they are proud that we carry on. I meant it when I would tell Billy at night that I could not live without him. Right now I feel (and I know a lot of us feel this way) that we are standing on very shaky ground. So much to worry about. When my mom does pass away, what is my sister going to do? She has the education, but has been taking care of my mom and lives on what she gets every month. I know she has to be going crazy knowing this. My mom is totally bedridden right now. I have never seen a life so stubborn. My daughter was talking to her last night, we thought she was comatose. Kelli said "watch her follow me with those eyes." Sure enough, Kelli played with her awhile, teasing her, and Mama was conscious and singing. We could not make out the words and she gets choked on her own secretions.. Kelli was telling her it was okay to let go, but what is left of my mama's brain was playing tricks with Kelli. Yet, we know she heard every word. She is not in any pain. She wants to be with her family that has gone on. She has two aneurysms. One by her heart. And when she does leave, a very quirky part of my life will pass away too. She kept me safe and in her own way loved us, but something was just not right. We did not notice it as much as kids. She told us one time that a pheasant was in her front yard. We don't have pheasants in this part of the country. Sure enough, when we went down to see her there was a pheasant, a pet of a neighbor, in her front yard. She told us of these huge birds with long necks chasing her car. Later on we found out someone raising emu's had some escape. We just never knew about her, but I have gone off the subject into remembering Mama. Sorry about that. I don't think Ron or Billy is disappointed in us. I like to think they are in a perfect place we will find out about one day, in a moment's notice.

Billy tried to grow watermelons in this rocky soil. They grew to the size of the smallest watermelons. Could get no bigger. He tried twice and gave up. Then we moved to Mena for about four years. Threw a watermelon out behind the house. Later on it had the most beautiful large watermelons. So happened, it was over the septic tank. I think Erma Bombeck wrote a book called "The Grass is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank." True..

I might like to push buttons, but I still get it bassackwards. Thank you George. Thank you for the prayers. Much needed.

Trying to get used to the arrows. Sometimes I go and remove something. I will get the hang of it. I love pushing buttons. I do it every day of my life. This is how things are going right now. I am fully in the apartment. I have worn a pair of pants three days (don't worry girls, I found my panties.). I used those very big boxes with plastic tops. I have them packed everywhere. Some have labels, some do not. Scott's generator and personal stuff, his paintings, his small freezer, the bigger freezer I gave to Kelli, they are all in my dining room. I have boxes stacked up against the wall. Billy had a chest of drawers of Tee shirts that he never wore. I could not throw them away so one big heavy box has that, one has his fly tying materials and I found I could not take all of his boats, other outdoors apparatuses or the elliptical. The man who took them looks after the older people in the senior housing. We let him in the garage and he took everything he could find He even took the triple water hose in the back yard. Two big ladders. What did I care? I was not going to use them. He took all the lawn tools, shovels, spades, hoes, rakes, sledge hammers (?), we had two of them. I should have let him in the house earlier in the week. I could have left sooner. I have not cut off my utilities. I have to do that. I have been down twice to pay my electric bill only to find each time I don't have one yet. My PO mailbox had a tape over the back. She said it was for nonpayment. I had my receipt and she took it off the back. Mistakes will be made. Suddenlink is to come out and hook up my other two TV's. AT&T, who I have had cell phone service with over 10 years (You have to watch them), I call and threaten to go to another service if I find discrepancies. They have always removed quite a bit when I do this. I promised to pay the next house note only because I left a few things that go to the garbage dump and a wall full of stuff to the thrift store. The contract is for 3 years lease. I am not an accountant and I am not sure Billy would have understood this. There is a clause that they have option to buy after three years. I do not know how that works. Lawyer drew up papers. I signed them as a real estate man was offering to buy the house knowing it had five city lots all together. He had plans of new construction on four of those lots. Now, my neighbors love their solitude and I could not do this. This woman wanted this house very bad and any repairs are up to her. I am unsure how the insurance goes and we will have to talk. Needless to say, I nearly backed out with her breaking her back helping me clean the place. I paid the girl she had with her. I could not think of selling to the man who wanted to make a subdivision out of it. My neighbors are old. No crime. You can leave your doors unlocked for days at a time and your safe. The chief deputy lives in the first house on the street. I have met my neighbors. Selma is a Minden native who lived in East Texas with her husband. She is elderly but has to work at caretaker jobs to make ends meet. A young girl and her four year old child is across the way and across from her is Norma who keeps her Alzheimer's father three months at a time, she and her sisters take turns. The Savannah is an assisted living place, beautiful, one main street over from me. Glenda, my lifelong friend, is fixing to move into it. Wanda, who is deaf, she will follow in the near future. They came by to see me when I was my sweatiest, dirtiest self. They were all clean and beautiful. It is good when you have friends that accept you no matter what manner of dress or position you are in.. We visited for a long time and I will go to our 1960 graduation girls luncheon on the 30th with them both. We cannot talk to Wanda while she is driving, she is deaf you know and cannot read our lips. Just an update. I have spent a really downward spiral two days, no, more like 10 months tomorrow. Yes, I still remember the months, and his birthday is coming up. Billy the Kid liked getting presents. I will take a refrain from a country singer's song named "Billy the Kid." It is simply "I miss Billy the Kid." That was Billy's favorite song. He missed Billy the kid also, even before he was gone. And that is my short story, running fingers events. If you are a praying person, I sure need them right now. Don't we all though? As an addendum, the man who took Billy's fishing stuff said that he knew the man with just how he tied his lines, how he tied his baits. He said he felt his spirit. I wonder. I know none of us were going to use them and I thought Billy would enjoy a fly fisherman taking over his collection.. He did not know the hours Billy had spent figuring line length and weight, writing numbers down in notebooks. He carried it to a scientific level. He loved numbers. I hope Billy's spirit is happy that someone that will love his rods and baits will use them. I hope he is happy that I gave all his crow, coyote, turkey and varmint calls to the animal officer at the police department. She was so happy to get them. I hope I did him proud. I meant to.

I think sometimes we all have selfish emotions. I know mine are totally selfish. I lost another classmate a couple of weeks ago and it seems my disposition and feelings are usually on a downward spiral. My neighbor said that at our age we are going to lose friends. She had just lost a classmate the week before. With Billy's passing, I joined this group three days later.. It is as if we have a wound that is raw, nerves sticking out of, and my personality has taken a downhill runaway train. Sometimes it is like being in a pressure cooker knowing my daughter's health problems, my mom dying, my sister's feelings toward me for not keeping vigil by the bedside. It is like I have not faced Billy being gone. Being with my mother puts that raw wound nerves in hyper sense. I know what is expected of me and I just cannot cope like a "normal" person should. Sometimes being on this forum seems to keep the wound open and bleeding, but sometimes we get solace also. We just miss anyone who leaves, but they have to do what is best for them. I wish I had a sense of "what is best" for me. I think right now it is pure anxiety. We just wish some semblance of peace for each of us and a little happiness would be appreciated too.. We will miss you Brad. I have been to your part of the country with the RV. Loved reading about your hikes. Billy loved anything about the White Mountains. There is a Blue River and a Black River we had plans of camping on with the RV. I wish you peace. As an addendum, I don't wish anyone to think I was referring to Brad for selfish emotions. I was referring to mine for missing one of our forum members. Maybe congratulations on this step forward might be said instead. Sometimes it is like we are in quicksand and if there is a limb offered to pull us out, then I sure would accept it.

I am trying to catch up on my forum reading. If I don't do it nearly every day I will miss someone or something. I missed this beautiful poem, handsome picture, and my heartfelt feelings and hugs to you Joyce. You hit on every feeling we all have and said it eloquently. Billy's birthday is in four days. We are planning to take balloons to his favorite landing on Dorcheat Bayou that leads into Lake Bistineau. We lived on that lake many years ago. Owning property meant too much time and upkeep for a couple of nomads.. As I have said before, we were not homesteaders, but Billy put in the whole plumbing system in the house to the septic tank. I wonder sometimes how things would have turned out if we had only stayed in one place. Does no good to wonder what might have been. Sometimes we do what we have to do for family. Anyhow, my heart is with you, and wish peace for us all.

Mama always said "marry in haste, repent in leisure." She knew Daddy two weeks, so I think a lot of times she would repeat some long ago quote because it fit her life. "You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear." That was her trying to sew for a tomboy. (I don't hear that word "tomboy" very often now). "A fine line between genius and insanity." I think she lived her quotes. She had a scholarship, fully paid, to a college and her mother was too worried about my mom's sanity to allow her to use it. So, she married Daddy instead. Human nature is a strange creature. You can say "never" and really mean it. If you do, don't talk to his friends, don't go to socials, try to just stay at home away from people. If Billy did not cause retribution, my kids would. There was only two Billy the Kids, and I was married to one of them. This is off topic, but Brad comes up as "guest" listing. I am missing the male participation some. Maybe it is just my computer as I am having to use my laptop.

Well, I think they are pretty good analogies. I remember someone saying something like nailing jello to a tree. I guess you could not nail a cracker, so we both will stay away from trees. We have to have peace sometimes. All of us.