Margm

You are such a hard worker. I loved your love story. My son is 54 and his girlfriend of 10 years is 30 or 31. Charlie sounds like quite a wonderful man. You seem very well suited for each other. We will miss them forever.

Well, I did not know that about chickens and turkeys. The only thing I ever won was 100 baby chicks and 100 pounds of feed at the opening of a new farm store in our small town. I must have been about 12. I was the most popular person there. People were coming to me wanting to buy my chickens. It so happened my mom and dad had a fenced in place behind the house. Very nice, and at one time she had chickens. We had a hen house already built. So, Mama got the chickens. I would imagine we ate them. My daughter had chickens for pets. She had one old red hen that was her pet and would never have eaten any of them. We had goats for awhile also, milk goats. Harriet, Josephine and Henrietta. I would not drink goat's milk but my mom tricked me one time. It was good, but I didn't like being tricked so I gave up milk. I hope you are on your way to your first million bucks.

You have found the right place. The people are understanding because they know your pain. Keep reading and posting and sorry you have to join us, but like I said, it is good we have this forum to come to. So sorry for your loss.

Agree

Be careful Butch. That baby is so adorable that you have to smile. So, thanks for the smile, keep them coming.

My daughter would love the chicken aprons. And I agree with Gorilla Glue. Billy put the mailbox up at the end of the road next to the other ones and 10 years later it has not even wiggled. Still staying strong.

I appreciate all of you. I wish to be brave, but bravery is so elusive to me right now. Jello is a more apt description.

OMGosh Enna, you have identified my position in life at this moment. And, I have less sense than the sheep. WW, sometimes I wish I were SW. Sometimes I think we all need super powers. And Marty, I just love pushing buttons, any kind will do.

Billy had bought the RV in March of last year so we could go help take care of my mama. He had made arrangements to stay at an RV park on a lake down here and had a number of conversations with the owner. So, we had planned on coming down to help and I keep looking for Billy but he is not there and Mama just reminds me that he is not there. I need to be realistic but that is a word that is missing from my vocabulary..

I am not sure about quoting from books as they are written, but I am going to do this. I have seen this comedian a number of times and he wrote the book in 2014, his wife had been gone four years, I think. He talks to her often. I loved it because he said people try to fix him up with women but there would only be one woman for him. He relates the conversations they have right on down to "Nan" answering him. "Finally he said "Nan?" and she said "Ya, Mart?" He said "Where'd you go?" No answer this time. And, none expected. I've asked the unanswerable. But not to worry. There's still life to be lived, laughs to be had, children to cherish, dear friends to be gossiped about, and costars to be upstaged. As for the grander questions, their answers will surely reveal themselves. Someday. In a fleeting moment." I find this man an inspiration. His writing about his wife reminds me of our guys and I appreciate them. My daughter went for her MRI follow up this morning. The dermoid cysts (tumors) in her brain had grown. She has Factor VIII in her blood, which is a bleeding disorder she inherited from me. They cannot do the radiation that would get rid of these cysts because she might bleed in her brain. They will just have to keep doing this radiation. They will grow back. I try not to think too much right now.. Sat with my mom this morning and she is lifeless in the bed. I am useless. All I see is Billy. I don't know why. It tears me up and my sister wants me to sit vigil with my mom.. Kelli came in and Kelli was a nurse. She sat on Mama's bed and by the time we left Mama was singing. She is 95 and she stubbornly hangs on to a life of nothing. She is under hospice care, but wish she could be on an Alzheimer's unit. Because of finances that cannot happen. I know my sister is going crazy and I am useless.

HeyThe only time I have had trouble with it was when someone did not like it that I had "liked" something "someone" had said. Good Gosh, I am in my 70's and I probably post way too much, I like to keep up with thingss and usually I would click like when I read something. Popularity.......I am probably the least popular person around these days because I cannot keep up with everything that is going on and multitask. Never was good at that. I want to post about the book I finished by Martin Short. I think I will just add it to my "hell" posts. I hope I did that right. I like the heart.

Have not had time to read all updates. Karen, I think losing a child must be the hardest thing to bear. My heart is with you. I am sorry for all the worry the people on this forum have. I remember 10 years ago after our last move, Billy and I said we would never move again. He moved on ahead of me this time. I just hope my son can get some rest because his dad would have been so proud of him. These last three days have been horrible. No one could understand why I would leave paradise for where I moved to, the location, the crime, the noise. No one can understand that the quiet, nature, no crime, no contact with people was not how I wanted to end up. My neighbor was complaining about the people upstairs fussing at midnight. I heard it the other night and I thought it was wonderful. Just different people. As long as no guns are brought into the yelling, I am fine. I cannot find the most basic things right now. Just ready for bed. I am sorry for all our misery. There were moments at the last loading that I thought "what am I doing." Now, I just try not to think. I wish for peace for all of us

I cannot believe myself sometimes. We spent the night in a motel last night, beds in the U-Haul. I spent much time outside yesterday and found myself really down because I was leaving. If I was much younger, maybe I would have stayed. Even my neighbor is wishing for a smaller place, but she and her husband (in construction) built the two houses their family grew in. Now, we are of the age when we have one thing left to do. We (our families) are all around the same age. She would need the money from the sale of her home, but she wishes for a smaller place. And, that is what I am doing. But, with both of us, this size of a move, the stress alone could kill us. All of us are left alone when our mate leaves. For whatever reason, we must continue. Where I am moving my sister need relief from my dying mother. And me, I relive Billy's dying when I am around her. My sister has painted herself into a corner. She has taken care of my mom for 11 years and has gotten both in a financial bind that I cannot help. I signed everything over to her, but not sure that will help. I am going from one situation into another that I cannot handle. And, my sister is the one with the massive education. There is nothing I want at my mom's. I left as a child to get away. I still want to stay away. At 95, she might be stronger than I am right now. I don't know why the forum put me back in April yesterday. I don't like to read my old notes. I have "run-on" fingers and sometimes my mind must be Catholic and think confession is good for the soul. Not good for the psyche when you go back and read it. Thanks Marita. On my laptop. Got to go vacuum and do some cleaning. We live more like destructive country rednecks rather than refined southerners. Not pretty..

I am going to type this, then I might be off for awhile. My desk is in the moving van. I am a contortionist trying to type, and at my age I might have a hard time getting all four limbs to work after sitting in this position. For some strange reason I was getting all of the forum from back in April. Maybe it is a "sign" that I need to read the book Marty was speaking about, about it's author. This is very strange. But, I do not have time to dwell on it right now. I lead a strange life, always have. And sometimes I do talk too much. Well, most times. I do have the book by this author and something tells me, when I can get in a comfortable position, I need to read it. I don't understand why all my forum was from back in April. I do know, discretion is the better part of valor, and I do not live those words. I just seem to "let it all hang out." I am very tired, I hurt all over more than anywhere else. I will be on later on. We have the moving van till Thursday. Still lots more to do. Papers to read and sign. I don't understand a lot of this stuff.

Nearly three months later, I now see why I do not go back and read my notes. Some things need left unsaid. I do not know why I do that. Maybe I am more Catholic than Baptist and "confession is good for the soul." Not really. I have had the book that is the subject Marty was talking about. One day I hope to have time to read it. I have tried, but concentration is not something I have right now. I do see why it is best for me not to read things I wrote last week, last month, nine months ago. In fact, it might be a good thing if I broke my run-on fingers.

Karen, not for sure where you live. In Albuquerque, where my sister-in-law lives, and some of my friends, their lawns are sand, rock and cactus. I wonder why that would not be enough to comply with where you live. I think you need to plead your case with someone. Either that or have them come spray the lawn green. Again, not sure where you live, but think it is one of the dry places where grass is hard to grow.

Ana, I had so many years with Billy, still I feel I failed him so many times. He was so much older than the majority on here. He had so many years to live, to experience life, and he did, and we did, but it does not matter, it did not seem like near enough time. When compared to others, it was more than one lifetime. My dad passed away at 64. I thought he had lived a long life, and to some he had, but to him, I think he would have liked longer. We all live in our own reality. He knew my mom two weeks before he married her. Their''s was not a happy union, although over time I am sure they grew to accept each other. I listened to my sister-in-law talk the other day about Billy's mom and dad. I think back in those days, people did not leave bad marriages as fast as they do now. They all toughed it out. Billy and I toughed out a few bad years, but the good ones outweighed the bad and I would do it all over again. I wish I could. In some cases, no matter how many years you actually had, most of us wished for more. Scott, our son, was 54 last month. He is still just a child to me. He is moving me to Louisiana. Only a kid in my mind. Again, I wish peace for us all.

Of course, you have read my account from my grandmother's "book" to her grandchildren. It was just words on a page to me, history of my family from her eyes and memory. The thing I read about after 18 years, the pain was as great as on the first day, this was just words to me. Words told from an honest little country Christian woman who happened to be my mother's mother. She had raised and helped raise at least 10 children. Six were their children. I felt sorry for her, but now, after so many years, I also feel her pain. I feel her truth. Misery does not really love company, but misery understands............now. Yet, she suffered this pain for nearly 30 years after his passing. I won't have that long to suffer.

WW, I never thought of it that way. That was the first and last book I have been able to read and understand since he left. This might have been one of my miracles I wished for. I never even thought of it. When I get settled, he and I, we are going to read the new book that has come out since he left. Hugs to you all.

WW, you have been watching Outlander. Wish we could have a time machine.

You write your feelings in such a lyrical way, I can feel your pain. No matter how long we were with our mate there is something about their death that we have regrets about. We have regrets that the final moments were not fulfilled as they would have wanted them. We feel we had so much to say but it was not supposed to happen, so the things we should have said were left unsaid. I have had to block those regrets out of my head. It is coming up on nine months. At first I counted every Saturday as another week, then somewhere along the way I started counting out the 17th as one more month. I noticed someone on here, who suffers like we all do, noticed that a certain day had arrived and it was double digit months since their mate had passed. I wonder if that is how it will be, if that is how our life will be? The important dates we will always remember, and the year will come along and we will remember it. Please know you have come to a place of compassionate people who feel their own pain so deeply that they can feel yours too. Please keep reading and posting. Even small moments of help, small steps help.

Well Marty, you all have to be pulling for me and I so appreciate it. I also know, once I get moved I have to find something else to gripe about. Oh Lordy, what am I going to do? Well, being the master griper, I think I can find something.

I used to order Billy's books from Amazon. Before the Kindle, then the first Kindle that you had to have a light, then his final Kindle. He let me pick out his books because I knew the kind he liked. I would print out a synopsis of each book. I have found all of these he kept in a folder and that is so sad. His favorite author, he was in the middle of his last book at that time. I had read some of these books, so I started this book and somehow finished it for him. If he was me and I was him, then he enjoyed it. I now do not know how I read this book. I cannot concentrate long enough to read a paragraph, but this big book I read it from start to finish with no problems. Maybe that was because the him, that is me, we were reading it together. I like to think little things like that. By the way WW. I sleep with two pair of Billy's pants under my pillows. I sleep with about four pillows, soft, hiding in a bunch of pillows. Just used two when Billy was there. Sometimes there might be six pillows. They fill up the bed.

It is his job (Martin Short's) to make us laugh. That is his occupation. I have visited many of your stories about the illness of your mates. But, this funnyman was not funny at all when it came to losing the mother of his three grown children, nor the fight they had battling the ovarian cancer. It reminded me of many of you, given hope and then all hope gone. They followed the CA-125 markers constantly and lived by their rise and fall. She had had breast cancer that was cured, but this was before the markers that would have had her have a hysterectomy and avoided the ovarian cancer, like Angelina Jolie did. The fear, the loss that was so terrifying. His one engine plane landed, but it is still limping. George Carlin lost his wife of nearly 40 years and then met his next wife "love at first sight" six months later. They were married 10 years until his death. We all handle life and death differently. Comedians are human also. I have not finished Martin Short's book. My friend married two years after her husband passed. We talk some. A long marriage for them, but he did not like women. He did not like men either, but that small town his and Billy's families came from had powerful mother "figures" that bothered both boys. We grow up with people and never really know them. She is married again, now about 12-14 years. His life has hung by a thread the whole time. We put ourselves through so much searching for happiness, some semblance of what we once had. The rest of us limp with our one engine plane. No more take-off's.