Margm

Thanks Mitch, loved this.

I know everyone of us has their triggers, like just taking a breath. Thank you so much. I sometimes feel that I am going in a hundred different directions and none of them are the right places. Sometimes I feel like people expect too much and sometimes I actually feel like I must have had that lobotomy. All of you that are hurting, special days triggering hurts, I wish we all had peace.

Mitch, I felt like the song by Johnny Paycheck called "Old Violin" when I saw my old school, broken down, old and falling apart. And, it was only yesterday that Billy was picking me up for lunch each day. Our first apartment still stands, but they will probably tear it down soon. It is vacant, like the old school, like my old life, like my old self. I swear, I was not old until Billy left. It makes you feel useless, even with family all around. I want to have time to read, not sure I want to have time to think too much, but think I should do more, but thinking hurts. I want to have time to read Marty's articles. Waiting for my son, hopefully we will finish up by the week end. I'm so tired of this going back and forth. I wish peace for all our grievers. Well, I can't recall, one time in my life, I've felt as lonely as I do tonight. I feel like I could lay down, and get up no more, It's the damndest feelin'; I never felt it before. Tonight I feel like an old violin, Soon to be put away and never played again. Don't ask me why I feel like this, hell, I can't say. I only wish this feelin' would just go away. (Don't listen to this song).

Saw my mom twice today, not conscious either time. Sleeping? Just drugged? Final hours? Some people fight so hard to live that do not really want to live.. She said she was ready to go. She is 95-years-old, she wants to be with her sisters. She mentions daddy ever so often, mentions Billy ever so often. But it is her sisters that she has always missed. They all had such a love/hate relationship but none of them seemed to have any friends, just sisters all my growing up years. So, I will have more guilt to get rid of. I could have helped more. They are having the fireworks over "Turner's Pond" tonight and traffic is so bad that I turned off to the right and came around by the old voc-tech school which is still standing, slightly. It seems like yesterday that Billy would pick me up for lunch each day at school. I was thinking tonight as I passed it, all grown up with weeds, windows busted out, vandalized long ago. There is a new one over off Interstate 20. Mama, Kelli and I attended the old one. Then I think of the years that have passed since then. I am thinking, how was he there everyday at my lunch time when he was supposed to be working? I think this was a dagger to my heart today. I knew the building was there but I guess I envisioned it used for something else and had no idea it just showed how life really was. It is like my friend said, I was blessed to have him for such a long time. Or I said "blessed" but the point was, it is well over half a century. And yes, I guess I am feeling sorry for myself. How can someone feel sorry for themselves when they are so blessed. What do they call that, a conundrum.

You all know all my problems. I love my kids, but I am glad neither were twins. I put my anniversary thing on FB yesterday and one of my friends that was with us (friends) from our first date told me "Be happy you had him so long." I told her I was truly blessed. I was. It was a long time, but just not long enough for me. Forever and a day would not have been long enough. This friend got married late, but I think they have kids, or one of them does. I definitely do not wish this on her, not angry at her, you do not understand until it happens to you. She is a sweetheart anyhow. Hope you all have a good 4th, as good as you can squeeze out. Hugs to you Gin, and the rest of you too. Will go to "de house" on Wednesday. Too much to do down here.. Now, how did I get into this mess? Too much to do in Louisiana to leave and too much to do in Arkansas to leave any faster. I'm running as fast as I can. I have house set up in two places. Crazy situation.. I can really be my own worse enemy.

I talked to my cousin today. She is one of the "sister's daughter." Her mom passed away a bunch of years ago. Her brother and I walked down the aisle at graduation. He passed away about six years ago. They all seem like they are bullet proof until they are gone. My neighbor Hettie said "Margaret, at our age it is natural to lose our friends". I know that is true. She said on her anniversary after her husband's death she went to the cemetery and then came in and did not get off the couch all day. My son is going back with me Tuesday and we are going to finish that house. Just lost another classmate. Born, live, die. Word salad.

"Outstanding in Our Field" one of the pictures of one reunion. Me, Mama, Kelli at about 11, and Grandma.. Cousin and her daughter on the right. Cornfield in the back. I meant this was country.

This is a topic that can just be let go after I post, or Marty can move it. Requires no answer. Coming down to Louisiana yesterday brought back memories that my granddaughter will never see. We were all born and raised in less than 100 mile radius, as were our relatives. Back before AC and TV, people lived under shade trees and big families had family reunions, usually at 4th of July, hottest time to have a reunion. In my mom's family, the biggest reunion, the girls all tried to out talk each other, they would get louder and louder and the husbands all hid somewhere with Jack Daniels, or one of his kinfolks.. The reunion never broke up until the loudest sister could not out-scream her sibling and she would get her brood and head down the road fast, angry words spoken. Never failed. Us young'uns, we all just looked on with amusement. None of us would have taken up for our mothers, hey, we lived with them. The night before the 4th my grandfather and his son after him would kill a pig and they had a hole dug in the ground with coals burning for a long time. That pig was roasted, basted with barbeque sauce all night, or whenever it was required. The next day the sisters, cousins, neighbors would all lay out on the boarded up makeshift tables, from tree to tree, the salads, casseroles, cakes, and Grandma's greasy fried pies. She and I never were cooks. After that first sister left angry, eventually it all broke up. Oh we had lots of shade trees, flies, and sometimes pork that was a little too pink for my taste. I cannot remember any of us ever getting sick from it. All around laying on the ground were numerous old hound dogs that were pets and also used for hunting. They cleared up the scraps, them and the chickens that were all over the place. Yep, you had to watch where you stepped.. Looking through my pictures this week I found many pictures of these reunions. Most all of the people in them are gone now. But, I was feeling sorry for my granddaughter, this was a part of Americana she would never know. These happened every year until the great grandchildren were getting married, my uncle and grandmother had passed. Somehow, reunions are not the same without the matriarch and patriarch's that began them. A part of America we have lost.. This all happened so far out in the country, houses were way far apart, we had little communities called, Walker's Chapel, Redland, Mott, Carterville, just names on a sign, just names.............,

I know how lucky I was, but I would have settled for 55 more.

I passed by my little country church where Billy and I got married at 8:00 pm on July 3rd, 1961. The little church was full for the wedding. No invitations were sent. We were scared to death. And I did have nightmares I was in prison, and I woke up and I was. I am so glad he hung in together and did a lot of forgiving. I miss him.. We had company every night I have been down again because a classmate fell, hit his head and lingered for awhile, but he is gone now. I feel so sorry for his wife. I was talking to Hettie, my widow neighbor and she is three years older than me. She said "Margaret, at our age we are going to loose a lot of our friends". Of course we are. I remember my aunt was 90 and everyone was gone of her family except a sister and brother. She was a beautiful woman and to me did not look a day over 65. I wish you all well on the 4th. Still some drama down in these southern parts of the country. Some days I wonder if I can do this. Some days I know I cannot. Some days I want to admit myself to assisted living and just read my Kindle, but I have my granddaughter to think about. Anyhow, have as good a 4tth of July as you can. Read about the history of it. Good night, so very tired. I am in the apartment tonight. I love hearing the people outside, love hearing them fuss. That quietness at Arkansas made me imagine things.

Gin, I have a bunch of books and I am afraid to read them. One book I bought on Kindle and it kept bothering me so instead of reading it, I deleted it. I guess I am a coward.

One of my biggest faults, and Lord knows I have developed more than a few, and one of those is I don't "practice what I preach." I should listen to myself sometime instead of laying on the ground like a rug to be walked on. That was one "saying" I learned from my shrink so many years ago, my laying on the ground to be walked on. Seems I just look for a more comfortable piece of ground to lay upon. I sure am down on myself today. Sorry folks, this too shall pass.

Thanks Mitch. Traveling today, should have been gone yesterday. Peace to all of you.

Her manic anger has subsided now and all is nice and peaceful and she is so sorry. This is something she cannot seem to help.. My mom was the same way, except she never was sorry for anything she said. We are gonna make it, all of us. I got my Ensure again, had been out of it for a few days and I depend on it first thing in the morning. Think my system just got out of whack. Lost a classmate, one lost his wife. My neighbor told me this morning, and she was not being mean, but it was the truth. She is three years older than me and she said that wee should expect this to happen at our age. I know that. This friend fell and hit his head and lingered for awhile, knowing no one, tearing his family up and no one could do anything. Finally, he gave up. Our wedding anniversary is tomorrow, so I guess it is only natural that I am down more than usual. Gotta travel in a few minutes. Should have been gone yesterday.

Mitch, this is my anniversary holiday, and really, lately have had a hard time. What was that song they sang that some days are diamonds, some days are coal. I think most days are good if they can just be rhinestones. I am dragging. Gotta get with the program. I notice Kevin needs a hip, Karen and Gin are ill a lot and darn it if I did not get ill myself. Thought I was immune to some of this stuff, thought I was doing good, but I think I am just tired. And I think of Butch, and his mom passing, and she was tired. Could not sleep last night with all the worry. Gotta get myself in gear. Too much to do to slow down like this. My thoughts are with you all. Hope we get some energy back in our life. We sure need it.

Too much on it Laura. I am standing still and I need to move.

I am rarely sick but I needed to leave today and could not. I guess I got dehydrated and drank too much Propel. I was afraid to get on the road. First flare-up of colon problems since 2014. Just have to be more careful. I have no organization in my mind without Billy, like he was my engine that moved me. Guess he was. Gotta find it in myself to get this done. Had one woman come out to help but had been warned about her and they were right. Will find the help. I have taken things off, gathered things for the thrift store and I keep having to run back to Louisiana that stops me in my tracks. Cannot do like I did today. Papers at the lawyers. I imagine by Wednesday the people who want to buy it will be ready to move me out. They have seen it at its worse and still want it. Our anniversary is Sunday, and I guess after 55 years I just don't have any heart left, but still have to keep on moving. Maybe this will be last trip and then final one. I guess even an old automobile without an engine, if you push it down the hill it will roll.

Maybe all this hurting will make the reunion only sweeter. I have to believe that.

Down to Louisiana again today. I don't think I will ever finish up here. At least I have the people wanting the house, so will be back Wednesday and will be on lap computer till then or Kindle. Have to sign my part of the "estate" over to my sister. What estate? None left. I'm not bitter. I never thought people should work to leave a legacy to their kids. That is up to the "kids" to make their own living. When that is not done correctly, all hell breaks loose. I would not have known that without Billy. I left home to get married a dumb kid and now am a dumb widow, but smarter because of him.

Kay, even in these last days, when Mama can talk, when she is not doped up with Haldol, she comes out with her regular mean things to say. It is like she has them imprinted on her brain. She could sometimes say sweet things, but it seemed to make "more sense" to her to say mean things. I think about her sister (one of them) and she used to call her son and daughter terrible things, regarding their appearances. She was in assisted living (my aunt) and had not been diagnosed with dementia or Alzheimer's, but one old woman sat in her chair at the dinner table and in her 80's she told the other old woman that if she did not get out of her chair she would beat her ass. A whole "nuther" book could be written about these sisters. I have trouble with my one, I sure would hate twins, but this family had six sisters and one brother that were terribly mean. I think it is inbred. I do know people back in those days did not get far from home, but my grandfather did ride his horse 37 miles to find his bride. No kinship, (I don't think).

I just reread my post and honestly, did not want to bring back up bad thoughts of Billy's short illness so I deleted it. Gin, I am proud of you again. Gin, they have been working on the roads in Shreveport as long as I have been taking Brianna to her counselor. They will never be finished and I-20 is always backed up. You did very good, but I am glad you are home. You really did not have much trouble at all.

I don't know why but I used to dislike April.. That is when my dad passed away, and Billy's dad too, I think. But October was one of my favorite months, the leaves are usually so beautiful. I will be in my apartment and will not even go up to Bodcau or any of the forests to look for them at all. I'm sorry we both lost them in October, and all people born on July 20th must be wonderful people.

Gin, I am glad we never celebrated very much on the special days. We usually had cake, cards, but nothing big. Billy and I both had got into the habit that if there was something we wanted, we just would get it and call it birthday present. July 3rd would have been our 55th and it seems like only yesterday. We did not have pictures but had a full church. He sold his handgun to pay the preacher. Times sure were lean but his mom fixed the best pinto beans, fresh onions, cornbread and tea so we never went hungry and we would fish nearly every evening in the summer and that old Dorcheat Bayou provided a lot of bass for us. Him and his dad would put out set-hooks for catfish. Just plain old southern eating. Wish I could do it all over again. Don't even want to acknowledge a month of October this year at all.

Kay, I think I am a Christian, but I think I must be a mean one. When they tell me Karma will take care of something, that just does not seem enough for me. I think if I was reincarnated, I must have been one of those traveling hangmen that wore the big top hat like in a James Stewart western.

Mitch, she is so pretty and happy looking. My grandparents and my dad passed away, and I loved my Mammaw as much as a mother but nothing hurts like losing our mate. It always made me sad to see the animals that have one mate for life, when they were alone. Now I understand.