Margm

Butch, my heart is with you, it is so hard when it is "our job now." Again, my heart is with you and your family.

Anne, sometimes I don't have this sinking feeling. Not a happy feeling, but a numb robot non-feeling. These past few days I have had this "I cannot do anymore" feeling. Butch's mom was 77, she was tired. I am 73, I am so beyond tired right now, but I cannot show that to my granddaughter. She told me yesterday "Mamol, please just sit down for a little while, your doing too much." The thing was, I was doing but nothing showed that I had done anything. I am going to try to tie that knot in the rope and hold on because I cannot give up. My granddaughter depends on me. How can I give up. Billy would never forgive me.

I just looked at the forum after seeing about Butch's mom. All of the replies on the right are mine. I do have an addiction gene and personality too.

Marty, I think Billy found you for me three days after his death. I welcome all your advice, it never lets me down. Thank you for being here.

Butch, I am so sorry about your mom. We tend to think of our parents as having lived a long life. I thought my dad was old at 64. I thought Billy was young at 75. I understand tired and my thoughts and heart are with you and your family..

Well, WW, I knew you were involved in something. I think I get too addicted to this forum, but somehow I can let the wound bleed here, then I have to go back to the real world and act like a walking robot, which I am. I'm sorry about the furniture. I so very much understand about plans that won't get lived. But, how can I fuss? I had 54 years of plans, but Billy and I were ageless and had 54 more years planned. Life sure slaps you in the face sometimes. I always call it God thinking I am such a comedian that it is him laughing at my "plans."

I think they all might "get it" Butch, but we represent something they fear and don't want to talk about with us. Those that do "get it" are the ones that hang around after the music has stopped playing. We don't even have to talk, they understand without us saying anything. And those on this forum, we are the ones we can put into words and they appear in black and white. That is our world right now. To me, this town, this state, that is where Billy left me. I want to go back to where we both were alive. I will be alone, I am alone here, but he left me here and I hate this place. Reality is hell sometimes. I have a granddaughter that I live for though, and you have three grandchildren you live for too. It might not be enough, but right now it is all we have.

Butch, I must be so old. I am so sorry your friends treat you like that. I think because most of my friends have all lost their husbands, they just plain understand what I am going through. I told one that I was having such a hard time because I did not want to get rid of anything that was Billy's. She has been widowed 7-8 years, but she told me "I totally understand. You will go through them when you feel you are ready." Maybe that is the difference in our friends. Mine have already lost, so they understand. I have two close friends that have not lost their husbands yet. After Billy left one of my friends completely disappeared. The other one calls me a "steel magnolia." Both of these friends, the one that disappeared mostly, are afraid of what I am going through. I completely understand. I see older couples together in town or in the stores. I just have to hang my head because one is gonna hurt so bad. A couple of acquaintances of one of my friends had a motorcycle accident, no helmets, both taken off life support at the same time. I am leaving this little mountain town. It is not home. But, the people are my friends. Anything happened at my house and I would call city hall. The mayor is wonderful. Yesterday I called and did not get her. Her husband had just died of a heart attack. My own heartfelt feelings are with this woman. Five widows on this short circular street. I want to be where the world goes on without me knowing about it. I want to be that mythic ostrich.

I think the ostrich hiding it's head in the sand is a myth, but I am that myth.. I don't understand politics, don't understand what just happened in England, what hate happened in Orlando, my Billy leaving, although I did accept that everyone must die, except it was not going to be Billy. So life to me on this planet is hard enough to understand. Mama saying you don't question the Bible might sound simple and dumb, but it serves me well when I start questioning things. I want to escape to my Peter Pan mentality and just go on from there. Of course, intellectually I know that is not possible. An old Nat King Cole song is how I want to live in this life, until I go to the next. It was called "Pretend" and the words are perfect for my simple mind.

I carry my necklace with Billy's other things that were given to me after he left.

Robin, my son talks to his dad. He feels like he can feel him around him. Maybe today, reaching the end of my rope (I know I should have tied a knot in it), but I put my hands on his urn and told him I could not do it alone. As I wrote, within probably an hour my answer knocked at my door. She does this for extra money and she will help me get out. Got lots of stuff to give her also and a washer and dryer. She will have teenagers take all my stuff and I will rent a truck. I don't know if Billy had anything to do with it, but I would like to think he did. I think that both of our faith has been tested. I tried to talk to an Episcopal priest and his head turned every time he got a text message. I am a Baptist, but want to try something else, but I have to feel trust in the minister. I think I will know. If not, I will walk away until I can find one I can trust that gives me reason to connect with my faith, and possibly Billy. This is just me. But, if you have had faith before, you know what we are missing out on and though it won't bring them back, maybe it can make us feel closer to them. We miss them so much and know they cannot physically help us, but I do believe in miracles, and that is something I thought I had lost. Good luck girl. We know what we need, we just have to find it...........and one size does not fit all. (I don't know which of our male friends on this forum said that, but it was profound and true. You and I have friends on here.

My son was shot and coded twice on the operating table. He said the first time was just blackness. The second time there were people welcoming him and it was all light, everything bright, I think. He said he knew them, but he did not know how he knew them but wanted to stay, but they sent him back. Billy always took his tales of ghosts and things like he was tripping. Billy always said he would believe in them when he saw them. Myself, I always quaked in the background thinking "I don't want to see ghosts" but I had two times where I felt the sincere feeling of needing to leave some place and did not want to look back. Billy laughed at me. It was an old farmhouse on historic part of national forest. An old graveyard with mostly Civil War soldiers was across a small creek that ran into the Buffalo River. I love historic places, but this one I had to leave, bad feeling. And, I have had other things happen that Billy just went along with me about, but when I retold it he would deny believing it. Just humored me. I have a friend that her house is haunted. This is a very sincere person, Christian woman, has had occult people come out, priests, and no one can get rid of them. At first they said it was a young Native American girl. Her grandchildren did not want to stay with her so she built a new house. Whatever she moved from one house to the other housed the "spirits." Now, Billy did not believe it at all, and I did not tell her for sure. She would not lie about it. They come out at night and she reads her Bible. This is one of my best friends and I believe her. So, if Billy was here I would have my belief back, or my weird feelings. But he is not here and that is the weird feeling I want. I have told this story about my friend before. I have the book on my Kindle by the neurosurgeon, I think it was called something like "Proof of Heaven" but for some reason I cannot read it yet.

Oh, and Kay, I bought a mustard seed necklace before Billy got sick, but within this past year.

You know my walk in faith was not a walk, but a drag. But, as the twig is bent. Then, I let myself down and let Billy down, though he did not know it. We had a long marriage and we grew up together inside that marriage. No trust on his part, to total trust. But, we went to church together when the kids were small, he went to church functions, but he always wanted me to have my faith. It was necessary even more than for him, I believe that he believed. It is common to get angry with God, or so the hospice booklet said. I am bordering on religion here, but religious faith was how I was brought up. Not sure why I am blocking because today I prayed with faith, I talked to Billy and told him I could not do this alone. I had really reached the end of my rope. Within a few minutes to an hour this woman came to my house to check on the couch. She wants it and everything else and she and her grandsons and friends are going to move me and she is going to help me clean. (You all know how I hate cleaning.). I will pay, of course, but probably less than a moving company, and I have nothing so valuable that breaking it will destroy my life. If Billy were here he would call it coincidence. I pull on my magical, mystical, reality or imagined. It is almost like finding Billy's wedding ring nugget. I was at the end of my rope then too, and there it was where I had looked at least 10 times before. I looked for the black cord, it was not on the cord. Billy was not superstitious, made fun of Scott's belief in ghosts, and was very matter of fact. I want him here. If I cannot have him here, I want to feel my faith. No one can do it for me.

Butch, this brings a smile at a much needed time. Thank you very much.

Okay, I promise you I was not okay a couple of hours ago. If my granddaughter had not been here, I would be in some padded room. This is not so much an exaggeration that it still can be laughed at. I had weights (yes, my son and Billy were body builders, to some extent) and I had so many sets of weights all I could do was look at them. My daughter's "significant other" told me to call Theresa (a friend with grandsons) who could use the weights. I also told her I had the couch and desk. A few minutes earlier I put my hands on Billy's urn and told him I had done all I could, it was too much for me, I had to have help. The Theresa who came out does these things for a living. Anything I don't want she will bring me boxes to put the stuff in. I have all kinds of stuff I don't want, cannot carry with me. Not only that, we will rent a moving truck and she has grandsons and a football team that will move me. I know it won't be cheap, but I will be gone from here in two weeks and then having to decide what to do with all the junk in my apartment. I don't know if Billy heard me. I don't have that magic back yet, but I am not as much a doubting Thomas as I was when I threw the ladder on the wires.

Marty, all of the rest of you, moving is not a good idea at any time. I have 16 of the giant boxes with handles filled. I cannot tell I have removed anything from this house. I am going to have to hire someone to come in and help me. I am at the end of my rope and just do not know what to do. Well, one thing I need to do is to get off this forum that I am addicted to, the people who are suffering so bad, the hurting we are all going through and quit procrastinating. I will try. I just had a mini-major breakdown in front of people. Scott had put a big ladder against the house and I kept walking under it so I threw it to the side, only I threw it onto four lines of something. I was scared to move the big ladder. I called city hall (these are wonderful people) and called Entergy, my electric company. Both had to put up with a blubbering mound of possible humanity. Okay, nothing major. Now I have people coming over to get my husband's and son's weights, couch and desk. I am one wreck of a person right now. I tell you, institutions would lock the doors if they saw me coming. Doctors would hide in closets. I am not kidding.........well, maybe a little. I'm gonna be okay. I just blubbered a whole roll of towel paper away. I'm okay.

Kath, you are so brave, you are so courageous. You are so strong. Just read what you just wrote. I nicknamed Terri WW for Wonder Woman. I don't know what to call you because your accomplishments are so great I cannot find words. You can carry on a physical labor job that none of us can even think about tackling. Yet, like you, doing things by ourselves is like doing our life without our heart, arms, or legs. I cannot find words. You all, and I mean all of you, you take my breath away.

Steve said that we just have to have faith that he does hear you. That is my chief roadblock. Billy always wanted me to have my faith. I'm afraid right now he was my faith and I have lost it. How can he be gone? He was just here, but I cannot touch him and he gets further and further away each day. I lean on people like Kay and Steve and people that are my friends, my widow friends and at my age I have so many of them. My son understands. My daughter does not. My granddaughter understands. Robin, I just have to look forward to finding my faith again so I can find Billy too. Right now, like you, my bigger than life person has gone and he gets further away instead of closer and that is my own doing and I don't know how to quit. I am blocking.

Gin, Joyce, Marita, Brad, Butch: My "run--on" fingers had put down a lot of words. I delete them all. I am speechless, and I know you all cannot believe that. I want to cry, but it won't come. Instead, I will get on with this endless packing. My heart is with all of us. I will say this, reading between the lines of all of our journeys alone, this is a powerful hurt.

Yokes and zerks. You have beat anything I have ever tried to do. It might have been Charley's job, but I bow to your chutzpah. Billy used to say "that's my job" and when I came in and it was 79 degrees in the house, Billy was not here to do his job. GoodGosh, it was a job for me to figure out, but I was not bringing in bales of hay or figuring out a tractor. Our yard, the whole two acres needs mowed and you could probably pick up another 200 bales with the intelligence and strength that you have shown us. Just making that AC start working again was enough for me. Now,, I feel very small indeed with my accomplishment. The person I am giving the Cub Cadet to will mow it Saturday, plus I will pay. Soon after I hope to be gone from this house responsibility with the refrigerators, stoves, washing machines, AC, roof, yards to mow, equipment to keep up. Billy hated keeping up a house, that is why we loved living in an RV. He did not mind keeping it up, and that was no small task. At age 40 Billy was in the ICU with blood pressure that would not go down. Found kidney arteries that were occluded from atherosclerosis. He came too close to a stroke. He quit the cigarettes, but continued the liquid poison he would swallow the next 35 years. Stents were put in and the rest of his life we went to his nephrologist twice a year. He took two blood pressure medicines the rest of his life, but he was being checked twice a year. I had two types of cancer at 39 and was sent overnight to MD Anderson Cancer Hospital in Houston, miles from our home. Then thirty-two years later (because of the massive amount of radiation to kill the cancer) my colon burst with overall sepsis, like what killed Patty Duke. Billy watched me go into spasms of pain so many times. It was expected I would go first. I think they forgot to tell me that though. I wish now they had told me so I could have exited before Billy. But, if I had, he would have hurt like I do. I keep thinking that as fast as he went, he would not have hurt long. No life is not fair. But we have to keep living it until we don't anymore.

Agree 100% Butch.

Gin, I find no delight in being alone. But, think of this, you did it. You did not want to, you were afraid you could not walk the distance, well you figured out a way. We may be down girl, but we won't just lay there and let anyone walk on us. Our mate is not with us. You did this yourself. YOU FOUND A WAY. We can even carry in our own groceries ourselves. Might take a few trips, but unless I have company there is not much to bring in. Now, let us know how your tests turned out. I'm proud of you.

Simple for me. I have plenty of women friends, lots of family, one love for my lifetime, and I am just too old to share private time with a new person that Billy would get rid of anyhow.