Margm

I know I should be giving tributes to my dad, and don't get me wrong, he did the best he knew how with what he had to work with. But I cannot imagine him going to my junior high school and taking on the principal. In this case, the principal was in the wrong and had made our daughter stand with her nose in a circle on the blackboard as punishment for something some boys had done. All it was, was the turning off of a light in the cloak room. She denied it, the boys had done it, but she was punished. Billy went up and took on the principal. The principal said he would call the police. Billy told him to do what he had to do, but until the police arrived, he would mop up the floor with him. In this case, the principal was wrong. The boys admitted to doing this and the principal apologized. We never took up for our kids over the teachers, we were still the generation that the teacher was right and the kid was punished again when he came home.. Billy was Kelli's hero, Scott's best friend and the best father anyone ever had, including me. The picture is him clowning with his girls while actually shopping with us. Happy Father's day to all.

I know we all have to go through this rite of passage, and some days I can just talk to Billy, and he can, as usual not talk back, but I could not go without buying him a Father's Day card. Okay, we have passed the 8th month on the 17th, day I have to remember. We have gone past Easter, Christmas, Valentine's Day. Today I rode around by myself. I sat a minute in front of our first apartment. It was a two bedroom, upstairs garage apartment. I remember him yelling down from the bedroom window that first month to his ride that he could not come in to work today,, his sister had fell and broke her leg. I was so shocked at his lie. But we stayed in bed all day. They just kidded him at work. They knew his sister had not broke her leg. Just part of the honeymoon. Really, this day hurts the worse so far. I did not want it to. I don't want to make a big thing of his birthday, of our July 3rd, would have been 55 years. We never celebrated much. We were not partiers, not even making a big thing of the 50th. I even forgot to get him a card. He thought it was funny. I'm sorry, 2015 did not happen. October will forever be off my calendar. I can do that you know. I can tell my mind anything I want to tell it because it does not matter anymore. If he is not here to share it, it will not happen. Kay, Mitch, all the rest of you that have these days you have to remember, all of you, all of us, what can I say? I am sorry. What are the best words to use? Is this one of those times that we don't know what to say? Well, I do know what to say. I feel your pain, and it is hell. And, I hope sometimes soon to find some humor in something, but losing them, having days you cannot celebrate, but you have to remember, I am just gonna go to bed early. I will always sign his name on any card I buy for anyone, any occasion, any time.

Yep , we have it also. I love Tommy Chong.

Steve sometimes I feel like I can fight the world, but for the past few months I feel like I want to hide under things and maybe fight later on. In the meantime I watch Zootopia and Grace and Frankie. I watched "Hello, my Name is Doris" with Sally Field. Prefer "Smokie and the Bandit". But love Sally Field. Not sad. Doris is not sad either.

Brad, hope things are going great. That ER waiting time means life or death, so I won't go into it any further. But happy to hear you are better.

People always thought I was odd because I wanted to know if anyone died in the movie. They said "that's life, that is reality" I told them I lived reality. I want to see fairy tales and happy endings, or I won't watch it. And yes, I like stupid bawdy stuff.

Actually, we are responsible for our own security.. My windows are ground level, I will have the stretch curtain rods top and bottom holding the lace curtains, on each one will be bells that ring loud. I will have double locks for the door (my son has decided), I want my bear spray, I have heavy curtains over the lace curtains. We have a state trooper that lives in one of the apartments with his car out front. Believe it or not, I am not afraid. There is no crime reported in these apartments, but the town itself might have some. Certainly, Mount Ida where I am moving from has none. I guess I prefer the excitement over deathly silence in Mount Ida.

Brad, Maybe I have skipped around too much, but I felt your presence was not here. I'm sorry you have been ill. Hope things are better soon. I do not like the sound of having to have the NG tube. Let us know how your doing. Muggs, today it is eight months without Billy. I bought him a husband's Father's day card just like I always did. I will keep it by his urn. I put up curtains today. He would not have approved. My hands shake and I dropped the screws so many times I just finally nailed them in. You can imagine. They look okay. I will stay Monday night so I can be early enough for Suddenlink Tuesday morning. Won't let you have dishes on the apartments. My daughter has better service than I get with DISH anyhow.. We have had DISH as long as it was offered. Sad, but so busy with family and distractions, Billy is probably happy he does not have to make decisions a bout my mama, Scott cannot get the RV off the truck, then he tried to use his ATM card and there was no money, things are going about par here. I get to go try to finish up that other house on the 22nd. Maybe 23rd. Unless something else happens. I really don't plan ahead. If it happens, good.

Now, I did not say it happened at mine and Billy's table. We had lots of excitement.. Kelli cooked once, Billy complained, she jerked his plate up and threw it down the disposal. And, sometimes if someone got more of something than was their share, it might come to an argument. Always reminded me of feeding a bunch of hound dogs sometimes.. So, that was past families, not mine and Billy's family. In fact, you had to watch out for a fork sticking in your hand if you reached for the last piece of steak. And no one could out belch Kelli. Better explain, my dad's family were quiet. Mom's family fought. My family just ate quietly, nothing gregarious. Billy's family got rambunctious. Mine and his combined family, the four of us, it was no holds barred..

I don' Don't remember it happening.. I do remember my little sister in her high chair getting a hold of cayenne peppers and throwing up. I think that was excused, but supper was ruined.

That is okay Steve, we have those Obama jokes all around. I hate politics so any of them are funny. (And, I knew that one). They never could make up jokes about Jindal, the governor other than call him Genitalia, which was my name for him anyhow. Just to show you my politics, our Gov. Edwin Edwards went to prison. If he had not been so old when he came out I would have voted for him again. He was our Robin Hood. Crooked yes, but he didn't keep it all for himself, he spread it around (money too). Fastest zipper in the south. I know all politicians are crooked, but he is one I would just keep voting for, if it was legal. With all the choices we have now, he was the best.

My folks did not curse, My dad's folks pointed to the dish you pass, and no one talked. Belching and other bodily functions were not done. You went off by yourself if this was to happen. Billy did not grow up this way and he did do things my way. I wish that had not been so. Now Mama's family had fork and knife fights at the table. We just sat down to three meals a day, got up, the day was done. Billy's family were very violent. I had so much fun. And I'm sorry ya'll, there are some southern words I use that others don' like, and "ain't" is one of them. Words make up me. I am not an English major or a professional writer and lots of my words are not even in the urban dictionary. I do say bitch often, and a few more colorful words, but there are some I just cannot say. Just a redneck cultural throwback.

It is important to have the man's view. Where is Brad? Is he okay? Occasionally Kevin surfaces too. We appreciate all of you.

An apartment might not be a dream home. It was never my dream home. And, I have one little lock between me and whatever. I will remedy that when I totally move in. I have two fish fillet knives in little scabbards for protection. Pig stickers. Also a spray, but I want bear spray. Actually, I am not afraid, too many people around. No one around where I live now. But crime is 0 where I live now and probably 95%; where I am moving. I guess I look for excitement. As an addendum I was answering someone else somewhere else and it is 11:54 p.m. Not sure where I am but I'm going to bed.

Thanks Gwen. No, he would not be angry or disappointed with me. He knows I am doing my best. I have had several "downs" but they are not staying. Probably because my sister wants my opinion on what to do with mom. I gave my opinion and that is not what she wanted to hear. I cannot take care of my mom and she is at the point she needs full time 24-hour care. My sister wants to share it, I am sure, and I am sure that is the Christian thing to do. I am sorry, I do not feel guilty. I cannot pick up my mom and move her from place to place. Things were not handled the way they should have been. No one asked my opinion back then. (I did not mind not giving my opinion, I was raising my family.) If Mama had money like she used to have, she would be in a good place. And, I know I can not set myself apart from this, but this is one situation I cannot handle. Neither could have Billy.

I cannot be at Mt. Ida to pack. Scott is pulling the RV out in the morning. I am stuck here until the 22nd. They don't want Kelli to even be on her computer (guess what she is doing right now). She is a nurse (retired), and they are the worse patients. Son will make his first trip in the RV down to this part of the country. I turned the electricity on in the apartment. Yep, I was gonna do the whole thing in red and purple. I didn't. I don't have my furniture in it yet, tomorrow I will have the futon couch and the drop leaf table (small). And guess what. The most important thing. The commode fits me perfect. Saw a shower curtain that is called something when the pictures of landscapes and wildlife are painted onto them to look like a mural. There was a green tree and landscape that just reached out and grabbed me. I put up my red rugs, I put up my red trash cans. I have a beige trash can, beige thing you put in the bottom to keep me from falling, and big green rugs. It is beautiful. I stayed a long time. I heard water pipes and guess what, they weren't mine. They played basketball across the street, the swimming pool was full, lots of people, lots of noise. And, I did not mind at all. Billy doesn't talk to me but I still talk to him. I wonder if he is angry because it is an apartment. I had to do this. He is not here to take care of me anymore and I have to do what I feel is best to take care of myself. I don't want my kids taking care of me.

There is something called a duvet cover that you use like a pillow slip, only it is a coverlet slip. Maybe you could just use that and place the comforter inside the duvet cover and just keep using it. It would change things, but inside it would still be the same. Just an idea.

Kay, my dad was raised by a strict father that nearly beat him to death at 17. My father was no coward but he was brought up to respect his dad. Can you imagine a 17 year old letting his father nearly beat him to death nowdays when he is bigger than the father. Respect was a word my daddy did not understand. He used to whip me and tell me I might not love him, but I was going to respect him. Even as young as I was, I knew the difference in respect, fear, and real love. This was not respect, this was fear. I am sure I am not the only child raised in the south, and other places that had this kind of discipline. I am supposed to forgive my dad and instead I just feel sorry for him. He did as he was taught. But, he was a good man. He did raise a daughter that used to hide under the bed or table when he and Mama fought (Mama fought), and I begged him, "hit her Daddy, just hit her." Cain killed Abel, we were not the first dysfunctional family. I used to chase my sister around the house when I was about 10 and she might have been two. She was scared of "buzzy beetle" and I would pull him around just to scare her. A bit of meanness even back then. Gotta go face the world this morning. Lots of business. Billy, I'm scared. "Margaret, you always did it by yourself anyhow, I never went with you." I have my "family jewels" in my $70 purse.

Mitch: With my first check after Billy passed away I went to J.C. Penney's and bought a $70 purse. I have a lot of business I have to take around in a purse. I did not buy it because of a name (still don't know the name). It was not bought because of beauty, but for strength and durability. You see, purses were always gifts from my kids so I never worried about buying them. At the thrift store in Mount Ida for $1 or for 50 cents you could buy name brands, big ones, little ones, etc. I never bought a substantial purse. When I paid for it I cried in front of the girl who sold it to me. It came from Billy's death money. Our bed is coming apart in places on the mattress. We have always used a mattress pad, a big soft one, but the mattress itself is probably over 20 years old. I hope it moves without coming apart. I still have Billy's pillows separate. They will stay on his side of the bed, providing the mattress does not fall apart. The point is, moving or using anything of theirs is a disaster from the start. My purse is Billy's purse, though he would say "That sure is not my purse." It is taking me so long to move because little things like finding the many boxes with the Neosporin in them slows me down. Why not just throw them away? I cannot, Billy bought them, Billy lost them, Margaret found what Billy lost. I even found the pillow corsage and note bought 54 years ago June 25th at Scott's birth telling me how happy he was. I have to let nostalgia hide in the background if I am ever going to get moved. It is a hard thing to do. Nostalgia is an emotion too. It can bring happy memories, sad, disappointed, angry, bitter or gut wrenching. (It is also taking me a long time because I need to be in three places at once. Superwoman, I am. Plastic man, I am not. I bought some new things that Billy will never use. It was with some sadness, but the new futon will be used by many relatives for a bed. The small dinette replaces the big round claw footed oak table used for years that is meant to be handed down. Eventually my granddaughter will have it.. It will last through many generations. The big sign my daughter bought Billy that says in big letters "A turkey hunter lives here" will be placed in the living room where his fancy hunting hats will hang on, it is a hat rack too. Mitch, I know how you hate the two words "move on" so I am not moving on, I am just moving over. We are all gonna make it. Maybe a whole lot sadder, more morose than happy, but we will find a way to live, somehow.

Emotions are complex. According to some theories, they are a state of feeling that results in physical and psychological changes that influence our behavior. I do not know about "stages" per se, but I can tell you about emotions. I can tell you about emotions after taking legal amphetamines for seven years. I can tell you about the words of Kristofferson's song "the going up was worth the coming down." I took them to stay awake at night so I could stay up most the day and take care of my kids and also bring in a paycheck for working the "graveyard" shift for seven years. I would drink wine to bring me down from working all night in an emotion that got my work done fast and furious. My emotion was sharp, friendly, too friendly, but my personality was fabulous. I thought. Then the emotions of going cold turkey. Tough on everyone around me. It took years, but I lost my craving for the drug. Drugged emotions. I was a hospitalized emotional wreck. I knew happy emotions. I knew sad, anger, disappointment. I knew depression most of my life, just a chronic emotion. But I knew happiness most of all. So, these stages we call them, stages they are. They are also emotions. I won't belittle them and call them just emotions. It is the difference between having a cold and having the bubonic plague. Semantics again. This article did not cure my "stages" and it did not belittle my emotions. It did not tell me I would get over them. In my analogy, and this is mine alone, these stages are like having an open wound that is too big for a bandage. No matter what antibiotic we put on it, it will not cure it. And, I don't think time can pull the edges together either. If people notice your open wound and question you or give advice on how to heal it, perhaps they need to be told to heal their own open wound, the one between their nose and chin. I am blessed. I had Billy for so long. I did not want to give him up. I want him back. Sometimes reality hits me in the face and I look to the heavens and I cry to Billy and Jesus (because I know they are friends now) and I just say "I don't know how." I don't say "I can't" because, I can, I just don't want to. I don't talk to my dad and God because they both are supposed to be punishing entities. (My religion, not yours). My problem, my faith, mine alone, and if it is way out there, just consider the source.

I found it all was all so me and I could not deny it. Thank you for reading.

Thanks Marita, we are gonna make it, we have no choice.

I don't know where to put this where everyone will see it, and since I am not sure everyone will like it like I did, I just cannot forget it. It might not mean anything to some of you, and maybe it might mean a little to some of you. http://new.www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-devine/stages-of-grief_b_4414077.html

CK, I never thought about high grass being a fire hazard, but I am still in the throes of grief where I will take a shovel and dig a hole, if I must, to get away from people I don't want to get around. I don't use logic at this "stage" I use first thought logic, which might be disastrous but it will happen. Maybe one of these days we can be logical again, concentrate again, quit walking around with this fog around our head, and maybe we can get to a point in our life when we give a damn what other people think. Might take awhile. Kay is in a much more logical, intelligent stage of her grief where she has been there, she knows what to do and what not to do. It is nice having lots of people with more experience on our forum. We all have the voice of reason.